Latest / Heartbeat of The Home / 08 - Navigating Grief After A Miscarriage

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08 - Navigating Grief After A Miscarriage · Heartbeat of The Home

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for doing another episode with me.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing another episode with my sister.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Today Heidi is going to be talking about her miscarriage.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I think I can't have a motherhood like birth story podcast without talking about miscarriage, just because unfortunately that is the reality for a lot of women.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so my whole heart behind my podcast is just really helping women feel seen and encouraged and just not alone in whatever season that they're going through.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think something that you shared with me that was helpful when you were going through it was hearing other people's experiences and just knowing that you weren't alone and just like things that supported them in that season.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm really thankful that you're willing to talk about this.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're listening to this and you are experiencing this or you're processing through it, or you think that there is something in you that's saying, because obviously we will be talking about a miscarriage.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: So if there's something in you that's saying, Maybe I should listen to this later, or maybe I shouldn't listen to this right now, listen to that because even if you think it'll be fine to listen to it, but you're a little hesitant, maybe save it for later.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, we're not just gonna be talking about my miscarriage, we're also gonna be talking about like what was helpful, like as that we were grieving and working through it.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel like that would be encouraging for you to hear today, then yeah, feel free to go ahead and listen.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, if there is a part of you that's like, I'm just not really ready to listen to a podcast on this topic right now, like it's too tender, then that's totally fine.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can table this, come back to it whenever you feel like you're ready or whenever you feel like that would be helpful for you.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Again, thank you for being willing to share this.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate you doing this.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, how did you find out about the miscarriage?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so I went in for a dating ultrasound for each of my pregnancies.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I've always liked to get an ultrasound in my first trimester just to confirm due dates because I just they base your due date off of the first day of your last period or first day of your last period, and I'm like, there's a lot of issues with that now.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just like to get an ultrasound.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so I went in, I think I was around eight, nine weeks at that point.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so I went in, and the ultrasound tech just made the comment of, like, I don't think you're as far along as you think you are.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I don't think so either.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I am here.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so then she ended the um ultrasound with basically saying, like, this baby is very small, like either your dates are way off or like something is not right.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't really register it at the time, but I was just like, okay, whatever.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I was like, I'm sure it's fine.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so then they, I think a day or two later, the um birth center called me and said where I'd gotten the ultrasound and said, Yeah, we're gonna refer you to get another ultrasound.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: And they said I got scheduled for another ultrasound about nine, 10 days later.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: They said, Yeah, this'll confirm like either baby has grown, and there's because they didn't see any heart activity at that first ultrasound.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so they're like, We're gonna do a follow-up ultrasound, and they were gonna check for growth and then heart activity.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so I went to that ultrasound like nine days later, and unfortunately, there was no heart activity still, and the baby hadn't grown at all.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so at that point, um, I talked to my like midwife, like my providers, and they were like, Yeah, essentially, this pregnancy is gonna be a miscarriage.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so that was obviously very devastating to hear and not something that my husband and I were really like prepared for, or like, you know, you don't go into a pregnancy thinking like, yeah, this is not gonna end well.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like the first trimester that can be like an anxiety in the back of your mind, but until you're confronted with it, it's like you don't really think about it.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so um we decided there's different, you know, there's at that point, like because my body had been showing no signs of miscarriage, like I wasn't bleeding, cramping, spotting anything.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so we decided to give my body time to miscarry naturally.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so I had basically like two, three weeks, I think that they would give me.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then if I still hadn't miscarried at that point, then we'd have to talk about other options just because the longer your body goes without miscarrying, the higher the risk of infection.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so we waited a couple of weeks and there was still nothing, like no signs that my body was gonna miscarry on its own.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so then we got a third ultrasound just because at that point we, my husband and I talked and prayed, and we decided we were gonna move forward with doing medication, miss a prostal, um, to help my body like start that process of the miscarriage.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so I went in for a third ultrasound, and the ultrasound tech could like the ultrasound confirmed that babe nothing had changed, like it was a miscarriage, and so that was helpful because the first two ultrasounds were really close together.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and so if we could go back, we would have waited us like another week to get the follow-up ultrasound, but it also would have been agonizing to wait another week.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: So, but um, so yeah, we were just like, if we're gonna take matters into our own hands, like for the sake of my health, like we just want to be a hundred percent sure.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and so getting that ultrasound confirmation was obviously hard, but it was also very helpful.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: It just gave us a lot of peace of mind.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: So then I got the prescription and then on we did it, I decided to take it on a Saturday morning because my husband would be off from work for the weekend.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so I took the misopostal.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: I started having some cramps and started bleeding within like an hour and a half, and so we thought that so then I had bleeding and stuff, and so we thought that I had miscarried, and then so I talked to a midwife at the birth center a few days later, and um she said, like, yeah, based on everything you said, I think that the miscarriage is complete.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'd recommend you take a pregnancy test in about a in a week or so just to confirm that your HCG is back to zero, you know?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so I waited a week and a pregnancy test, and it was very positive.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I took three.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was like, is there something wrong?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's going on here?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so then at that point, I called the birth center back and they were like, Okay, you need to get another ultrasound.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: We need to see what's going on.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so then I went back, fourth ultrasound at this point, and that I had not fully miscarried, like I had had some bleeding, but there was most of everything was still there.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and so at that point, that was on a Thursday, so then on a Friday, the Friday of the day after I talked to a midwife from the birth center, and the birth center was like a standalone birth center, and they it just had midwives and nurses, and the midwife basically told me at this point, like this has exceeded the level of care that we can provide, like this is the situation's becoming too complex.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: So they referred me to an OBGYN, so that was on a Friday, so then the next Tuesday I met with an OBGYN.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: So at this point, so I we initially got the first ultrasound at the end of September 2025, and so this is like early November now.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: So like we've known Yeah, it's been like two months we've known that this pregnancy, like that this baby is not going to survive.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so at this point, my chances of infection are like insanely high.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so I had an appointment with the OBGYN that following Tuesday, so like three days later, and she was like, at this point, basically your only option is a DNC because my body just was not going to be my body was not doing it on its own, even with the medication, it was not doing it on its own.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I and so then she had an opening for like the next day, so I and it was kind of urgent at that point.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I had so the next day I had a DNC.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: So that was my long drawn-out miscarriage story.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then another added layer to this miscarriage was in the last ultrasound that I got, they detected they saw some like growths in my uterus that they were like that this could potentially be what's called a partial molar pregnancy.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so then they when I had the DNC, they sent the tissue off to be tested, and it turned out that it was a partial molar pregnancy.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: So what is that?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'll try and explain it as concisely as possible.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: So this isn't like a long drawn-out science.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: We're not medical professionals, but but I feel like I had no idea what this was until it happened to me.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's even when you told me I was I was trying to do research on it, and even it yeah, it's so rare.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's rare, but it I feel like it's still there's it's still common.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or like a lot of women do experience it.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: So a partial molar pregnancy in scientific terms is when an egg gets fertilized by two sperms.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: So there's three sets of chromosomes, so there's just like way too much DNA, and it just kind of starts growing like a lot.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so it can cause little growths in your uterus, almost like little tiny grapes in a way.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so in very a partial molar pregnancy in itself is rare, and then in very rare instances it can cause cancer.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so after the and so after the miscarriage, like after the DNC, they often the main way to monitor it and to make sure that the growths don't come back is to test your HCG levels like every week until your HCG gets down to less than one and stays there for however much time your provider wants to verify.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's essentially what it is.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: So then what was that process then?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: So then did you have to go in for blood tests weekly?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: How long did you have to do that?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I did have to go in for blood tests weekly because I had the DNC like mid-November.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then I yeah, I think so.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Then after that, I was going in every week just to a clinic nearby that would test, just do a blood draw.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so I had to test.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Thankfully, my HCG went down pretty quickly.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I mean, it still took like three months, but that's fairly quick.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so yeah, so then by February it was down to less than one, and then I had to do a follow-up blood test a month later to make sure it had stayed the same.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: So then through this, what did grieving look like for you and your husband?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think a big thing was just talking about it and processing it together, you know, throughout the process.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I we kind of felt like we had to grieve twice because we did the medication, I took the misopostal and we thought that I had miscarried.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: We're like, this totally sucks, but at least now we can like move forward.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: We're not just waiting for the miscarriage to happen.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then finding out that the miscarriage actually hadn't happened, it was it just brought all that up all over again.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so with the DNC, it sucked to have to have that surgery, but it was also in a way, it kind of gave my husband and I like a bit of relief because we're like, okay, well, at least we know it's like actually done.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so, yeah, we were just processed a lot together.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, after there were nights where we would after we put our son to bed, we would just snuggle on the couch and cry, like pray together and just process.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so there wasn't anything like fancy that we did, but it was just yeah, just trying to talk together and just you know, giving each other space to process like how we were feeling as we went throughout this process.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or were there ways that you grieved that were different than your husband did?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and I think a big thing was I think I just experienced the grief more.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like my husband was obviously we were both obviously devastated and just very sad.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: But I think, and I, you know, in hearing from others, I think that this is not uncommon that the the husbands often will just kind of process and move on faster.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I think part of that for two things that I can think of is one, it's like the the like the mother is the one like physically carrying the baby, so it's like from very early on, like you do you have more of a bond in a way.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's also like you're the one that's physically going through the miscarriage, you know, it's like I'm the one that had the surgery.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then also with that, like with a miscarriage, it's basically a mini, not basically it's a mini birth, and so there's still a lot of hormone changes that are going on with that.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I just felt a lot of emotions very strongly, especially like in the days after the DNC, because your hormones just shift so fast.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that was yeah, so I definitely I think felt it more.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: I just had a lot more crying and journaling and just processing, you know, and my husband was so wonderful and like, you know, listening and talking, but I he just didn't see have as much to process as I did for as long.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I I didn't like take that personally or anything.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, we both have different ways or just different, you know, you're two different people, you're gonna have different timelines for what you need to process for any situation.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you have different processing ways, not ways, but you have different ways to process in general.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: What are ways that you found to honor this baby and to rem remember them?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, I think the first thing we did was we name we gave the baby a name.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: We named the baby Sam, which means heard by God.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: My husband thought of that name or had like done a little bit of research, and when we heard, especially when we heard what it meant, we were like, yes.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then my due date would have been April 22nd, 2026.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's kind of the day that we have to kind of, you know, like it's what would have been not necessarily it would have been the exact exactly the baby's birthday, but that's just the day that we use.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so on the what would have been the due date, like, you know, we just kind of took some time to kind of like think about the baby and just kind of remember and stuff.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that's something I want to continue each year to kind of have that be like the baby's day, baby Sam's day of remembrance, if you will.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing I did was I had the miscarriage in November, and so it was kind of like you know, right before the holidays, and so I did order an ornament with like an ultrasound photo of the baby, and then I mean, the baby was very small.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: There wasn't a lot to see but it was it doesn't matter.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: It was it's a picture of Sam.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, exactly.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so I got an ornament with that picture, and it said like baby Sam, and then Sam's due date, and so that was really meaningful just because it it was a way to symbolize that baby Sam was still with us, like you know, and so we put up our tree at the end of November, and so like you know, having that ornament on there was just really meaningful, and it's something that we'll have every year.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: So, in a way, like it's just a way to have baby Sam with us every Christmas.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I love that.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: I have more.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: No, go for it.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: No, keep going.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just if anything, I'll like give people ideas.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: I also have a memory box for the baby.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: There's not a ton in there, but I have like the pregnancy tests, I got an like ultrasound photo.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I also have I have a childhood friend who has a ministry for um families who are going through miscarriage called Binding Hearts Ministries.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: They send like a little bear, you know, because you it's like something necessary.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'll get that information from that so people have that resource.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because if you know someone who's going through miscarriage, you can like request because I think my mom like reached I didn't reach out to her, like her my mom reached out and like they sent one to me and it has like a little card, and so that was just really meaningful.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I have that in there, and then um I do also have like the hospital ban from when I had the DNC because it's not like obviously not a fun thing, but it is part of that baby story and like the story of that pregnancy, and so and then another thing I did was on the baby's due date.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: I like Googled different ideas like ways to commemorate baby's due date, like after a miscarriage, and one of the things they had suggested was to write a letter to you to the baby each year, and so I did that on the baby's due date, and then um, which obviously was very emotional, but it was also kind of healing in a way, and so that's something I'm hoping to do each year.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's really special, and then I think we also really tried to talk our tongue, our son was like a year and a half at this point, so didn't really understand, but we had started talking to our son, like, you know, we're having a baby, you're gonna have a little brother, sister, and then when we had the miscarriage, just talking about like, yeah, well, because obviously he could tell that like we were sad and like that I was crying and stuff, and so trying to just like you know, narrate to him because I mean he's in that emotional climate, so trying to also bring him into it in a way that's obviously developmentally appropriate, but just telling him, like, yeah, the baby that was growing in mama like went to heaven with Jesus like earlier sooner than we were hoping.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so just kind of talking to him about it too.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I was talking to a friend who had gone through um who they had lost a baby as well, and like had some had pregnancy loss, and one thing that she told me that was really helpful was they the language she used was like find a way to incorporate the baby into your family story.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, so for them they have pick family picture wall and they have a picture of like baby like ultrasound on the family's picture wall because it's like this baby's part of our family, so that's beautiful.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then the last thing is I did post on Facebook like on the baby's due date, because you know, in an in an ideal world it would have been like around that time would have been like a birth announcement, you know.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that was really meaningful because there's other people who reacted or like commented on the post who I knew had also like gone through a miscarriage, and so I think yeah, just kind of opening up that space for like other people who had been through something similar was like in a way healing for me.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't know if that makes sense, and just like publicly sharing and just kind of it's like this did happen and like they are still part of our family, and yeah, not and not saying that you need to share it with the world.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: You don't, yeah, there's a lot of people that don't want to do that, and I'm like, that's totally fine, you'll find your own ways to honor and remember.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then I know that you did do uh like maternity shoot for the baby.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel like that was helpful at all?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: It was, yeah.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that was helpful because it's like, you know, pictures, yeah, it was very meaningful to have pictures of me, like when I was still carrying that baby.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: How did the miscarriage impact your marriage?
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, my husband and I were talking about this a little bit, and overall we feel like we definitely were, you know, supporting each other throughout this time.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a bit of a stretch to say that the miscarriage brought us closer, but I do feel like we But if that's your reality, I think that's okay.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean I do it was in a like a sadly like a fairly bonding experience because we were going through this very heartbreaking time together.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that speaks volumes of your marriage, you know, that Derek was wanting to walk through this with you and he was grieving with you.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so it makes sense that because of how strong you guys are, that this did bring you closer together because you he was intentional with you, you know, that you were doing it together, even just what you're saying about how you guys laid on the couch together and cried, you know, like that's as sad as that is, that's so beautiful that you did that together, and it wasn't, yeah, like Derek went to bed and I laid on the couch and cried.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I think I'm sure there was some of that, you know.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like there were times where I just wanted to cry by myself.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and I think honestly, I think that's really healthy, but I think also the fact that you did do some of that together is so beautiful.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: So it makes sense that it did bring you closer together because you were just able to process more or go through that harder thing that like did make you stronger.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: But I do think a challenge for us during that time was just the uncertainty of when we would be able to try again.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think as I mentioned before, like they test to make sure your HCG goes down.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because if it starts going up, then that means that you might there, like there might be some more growths, and in rare instances it can be cancerous, and so they really want to make sure that you're good to go before you try again, and of course, like your HCG goes up when you're pregnant, so that's why you really have to wait to try again until you're cleared by your doctor.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: So that was hard because we had no idea, like we really wanted to grow our family, and so we had no idea like how long it was gonna be.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, thankfully for us, it was only a few months, but it still felt long.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, how did the Lord show up for you during this time of loss and grief?
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: I just really felt the Lord's comfort during this time, and I think just the way my husband was so supportive and just encouraging and comforting, just like I felt like really the Lord showing up in like a tangible way, you know.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think, yeah, even just it this season of going through a miscarriage really like the Lord just really taught me in a deeper way that like there are no guarantees in life, you know, we're not guaranteed that things are gonna go the way that we want them to, but what Whatever happens, like he is going to be with us and he's gonna help us through because obviously we wish that this baby was alive and breathing and in the world with us, but you know, it didn't happen that way, and but the Lord has carried us through that season, and so I feel like yeah, just helping me, I feel like the Lord helped me develop more of a grounded approach because it's so easy to just like I just want we want everything to go well, yeah.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, like I believe that the Lord like wants every pregnancy to like be healthy and stuff, but we live in a fallen world that's tainted by sin, so that's just not gonna be our reality on this side of heaven.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so just that that experience of that season sucked.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Grief is a horrible thing to experience and go through, but the Lord was with me in that.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: I think something that kind of came to mind, I don't really know how I'm gonna ask this question, but kind of you're you kind of touched on it of because I think a lot of people struggle with which is valid.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have the answers to this, but like, why is this happening?
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, did God make this happen?
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: And like, did God cause this?
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so have you processed that at all or kind of thought through that, or is that something that you struggled with?
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, that's something I've thought through and processed through.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: It is not something like theologically, it's not something that I struggled with because both my husband and I have like spent time, like I have an undergraduate degree in biblical and theological studies.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: So even I took undergrad classes literally on like the theology of suffering.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: So like it spent a lot of time like reading that and studying that.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like both my husband and I had a fairly like solid at least understanding or like view of like God with us in that suffering, or like why why did this happen, that sort of thing.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so this is my own view.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: So not not everyone's gonna agree, and that's okay.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: But my view is that like God did not want the miscarriage to happen.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that he allowed sin to enter the world because he gave us free will, and so because of that sin, there's things that happen that are heartbreaking.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that God, in a way, he's like grieving with you in that.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: And he is kind of like, you know, the song is like what the enemy meant for evil, he turned it for good.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what that looks like for you or what that'll look like for anyone else.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that might be hard to hear.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what do you mean he's gonna turn it for good?
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it was hard for me to believe that, like at the time, but you know, looking back, like I can see the ways that he has brought good out of that horrible situation.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I wish that I had that baby, but because I did not have that baby, that opened up I had more capacity to pursue other like endeavors in that season that I wouldn't have been able to, like even the fresh mill flower stuff, you know.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and so and even just having a lot more empathy for other women who were going through it too.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but sadly it's a lot more common than we want it to be.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of support was helpful for you as you were going through this?
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think talking about it and I think having people ask me about it.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um there were times where you know, like my mom or something might be like, Yeah, I just want to check in and see how you're doing with the miscarriage.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: And uh initially sometimes I might be like, I just don't really want to talk about it.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: Or I'm thinking that, but then like once I started talking about it, I was like, Oh, this is actually like really cool.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I think, yeah, processing it and and even just journaling too.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I would say processing, yeah.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: Helping me to process whether it's verbally with a friend, whether it's like praying, processing with the Lord, journaling, doing like audio notes or something to just kind of verbally process kind of to yourself.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, that's that was really helpful.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: But but having people directly ask me about it, that did help because it's a hard thing to kind of bring up like, hey, can we talk about the miscarriage that I went through recently?
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I need to talk about it.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, people would just ask how I was doing that.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: I opened up that conversation, and that was really helpful.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then I think, you know, practical support because with the miscarriage, you're like physically recovering too.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then also with the grief, like I was just so sad that it was hard to, it made it hard to kind of like go through some of the normal functions of the day at times.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, like you brought over a meal, like I think the day of or the day after I had the DNC, and so that was so helpful and meant a lot, and then um even just like having company, like getting together with like you or other friends, because it just was like it was just nice to not be alone, just me and my toddler and my sadness.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm laughing, but like y'all, I'm serious.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's yeah, just having that company and that community was really helpful.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything else you like someone going through a miscarriage right now to know?
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think there's a few things.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: One is that the grief, it's gonna ebb and flow.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: Your journey through the grief is gonna look different from anyone else's.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: So there's no one way that it should look.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: I think one thing is, yeah, that grief is gonna look different for everyone.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if you within like a few weeks are kind of starting to move forward and you're like, I'm sad, but life is moving on, I'm moving on, I'm finding ways to process and like remember this baby, but I'm feeling okay.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's great.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: If it's been months and you're just really struggling and still feeling so sad and like so overwhelmed with grief, like that is also okay.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: If that is your case, I would recommend that you reach out for support, whether it's a counselor or just like pro being more intentional about processing with some friends.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um and she is also a licensed therapist.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm not licensed, but I do have a master's degree in counseling.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: Well, she's so she is also a therapist.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: So she is saying this from experience and out of love from both sides.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, if you're really struggling for an extended amount of time, and even if it's not an even if you're like two weeks after the miscarriage and you're like, I'm just really having a hard time.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like you don't have to wait till it's been months of struggling to reach out for extra support.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, even if you just need someone to be able to process it with, I think it'd be very valuable to find someone to do that with.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for sure.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing I would say for people who are going women who are going through it is to connect with others who have gone through something similar, whether it's a friend that you have that you know has gone through a miscarriage, or like there's different online groups, there's um devotion, there's a devotional that my mom got me that was helpful that they had some different stories sprinkled throughout of like other women different women's experiences of going through a miscarriage.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, that was so helpful for me, even just reading the stories because every woman's experience, every mis, just like every birth is unique, like every miscarriage is unique.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's a shared experience, but it's still your experience with a miscarriage isn't going to be exactly the same as someone else's.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so just hearing the different stories was very helpful for me to know just that solidarity of I'm not the only one who's experienced this kind of grief and this pain.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything else you'd want someone to know who their family member or a friend is experiencing miscarriage for how they can support their friend or family, um, things to do or not to do, just any recommendations?
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think the first thing that I would say is to not be afraid to ask them about how they're doing.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: I know, you know, it might you might feel like, okay, do they want to talk about it?
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do they not?
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: But you can always prep you can always ask them and follow it up with saying if you don't feel like you want to talk about it right now, that's okay.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I just wanted to check in.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: That that can go a long ways.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I would so that's one thing.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then I think also the practical support, like offering to bring them a meal, or not even just offering, like, hey, do you want me to bring a meal saying bringing a meal?
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me what I I'm gonna bring you a meal.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: What day this week do you want it?
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if they have other kids like offered a hey, do you want me to watch your kids for a little bit?
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: So you can even just, you know, afterwards, like while they're physically recovering, I think that that can also go a long ways.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: I think one other thing is I think even a while after, you know, months after, to check in every now and then because you know, initially afterwards there might be you know, there can be a lot of maybe a lot more check-ins.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost like giving birth.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's a lot of check-ins like initially afterwards, but then it kind of trickles off.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, that memory of that baby is still there.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: And even ask them like, is there a day?
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like what would have been the baby's due date?
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like, yeah, isn't there say like put it on your calendar to Yeah, to kind of check in with them like around that time to just kind of help them know that you haven't forgotten because you know, life moves on and people move on, but like that mother is still carrying that memory of that baby with them.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you so much for sharing your story and just resources.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: Were there any other resources you said?
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna link that what was it kind of that they sent you a box?
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's called Binding Hearts Ministries.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: So it's my childhood friend who's based in North Carolina.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, but I'm pretty sure they send it like all over the country.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then um, I'll probably link that devotional as well.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but thank you so much for sharing and just being vulnerable.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: And hopefully this can help a mom who is unfortunately going through it or um knows someone who's going through it and can send it to them or something like that.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for having me.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I appreciate you.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: I love you, and I'm really sorry.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: They went through this.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: I wish we could have met Sam, but we will in heaven.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm excited for that.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: I love you too.