Latest / Many Things with Steph Libby / Boundaries, Focus, & Goal Setting

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Boundaries, Focus, & Goal Setting · Many Things with Steph Libby

I've been thinking about a lot of things this week, and typically I sit down and I record the full episode in one sitting.
But I have just had a lot on my mind this week.
It's been a really heavy week.
So I wanted to take some time and record a couple of thoughts that I had.
It's Saturday morning.
I usually record on Sundays.
Last episode, I was talking about my word of the week, which was value.
So I've been thinking a lot this week about how I value myself, deal breakers, non-negotiables and relationships.
And I really, I realized that I didn't really talk at all about boundaries, which I think.
Has a tie in for sure to deal breakers and non-negotiables because I think boundaries help you reinforce those non-negotiables and things like that.
I've, I struggle with boundaries.
I always have my entire life.
I am a people pleaser.
I am a fixer.
I have a really aggressive Virgo energy and perfectionism, and I am always trying to manage and control things.
I have a lot of control issues that I didn't realize were control issues or.
Maybe I knew that they were controlling, but I thought it was helpful controlling instead of just being aggressively controlling.
And there was something that happened this week that I don't wanna go into too much.
Depth in, because I don't want to overexpose someone who is still on the periphery of my life.
But I think it's important for context in my journey to at least talk about it a little bit.
My most recent ex is struggling with some addiction issues.
And he is.
Currently in rehab and he is, he called me from rehab this week asking for money, money for cigarettes in particular.
That's been a real horrible point of contention, our entire relationship.
I have always wanted to say no to him.
I've never really been able to say no and mean it and stick with it.
I cave usually pretty immediately.
Or I do this thing where I say yes, but then I get really pissy about it.
Or I give this like really long Gettysburg address kind of speech about why I shouldn't be doing it.
Almost be grateful that I'm doing this because I know I shouldn't.
And, that's a, it's pretty common, but it's also, when you get some distance from it, it's also pretty horrifying.
It's, you know, I was basically just like constantly shaming someone for things and acting superior about it.
Not that I'm not right about certain things in some instances and certain ways, but I think really superior about it.
And also being a victim so anyway, going back to the boundary, I, he asked for money and I told him I had to think about it, and then the facility sent me the transfer form, like the money transfer form, and it goes into basically like a commissary fund for him.
So we can't like, touch it outside of that.
And then if the money isn't used, it like gets returned.
Or something like that.
So, anyway, I was rage spiraling I don't know how else to describe it.
I tailspin really hard.
Yesterday he had called while I was at work, I had just gotten off a zoom call and after, and I was supposed to be going into another call, but I saw him call and I thought, well, you know, I don't, he only gets two phone calls a week and they're like, five minutes each.
So I thought well, let me pick this up real quick.
I did not expect him to be asking for money.
I didn't expect it to be that kind of phone call at all.
I thought he was gonna tell me that he got my letter or he wanted me to come visit tomorrow or whatever.
Anyway, he was asking for money and I.
Kind of lost it on him on the phone.
And then I told him like, look, I gotta go, like I'll have to, I have to think about this.
And he did the thing that he always does, which is oh, well you don't have to, don't feel like you need to.
And I know you've done a lot and you know, I know this is like an imposition and all that stuff.
And I spent probably a good, I, I ended up crying in front of a coworker which was horrifying.
I thought I like, was able to hold it together.
And then they were just like, how are you? And I was just like, and I just started bawling my eyes out in front of my coworker.
I was horrified.
I was horrified.
I was so embarrassed.
And, and then I kind of spiraled for the next hour.
I couldn't focus on work which I'm like, it's really busy this week at work, so I was already feeling behind and I was already feeling tired and I had been to the doctor and gotten a pap smear, and so I was just like feeling so.
It was just feeling like a pretty bad day for me and it's been a really heavy week and I had just written him a letter the night before to send to him in rehab about some of the reflection I've been doing and the things I've been learning and you know, kind of just like to be encouraging, like everyone has to learn new ways of.
Working with themselves and everyone has to learn new skills all the time.
Like you're not alone.
And just, I guess it was just make my way of being like, you know, everyone at some point, everyone has to deal with some of their tough stuff.
And how amazing is it that we both get to, that we both get to explore those feelings and learn about ourselves parallel to each other, but like separately, like even, isn't that like a gift, you know? I think that was also playing into like why I was so emotional about the money ask.
But then I realized I had started writing out this really ranty angry letter to him, and I realized.
You can't do that.
You just, this is this is not what he needs to hear.
And you know, he feels guilty about it.
Even though we like to think that if someone feels guilty about something, they just like simply shouldn't ask, you know? But.
He's dealing with the disease of addiction and he's dealing with a lot of fallout and he has a lot of emotions running through him and a lot of anxiety, and I could be empathetic to that, but it also doesn't mean I have to give in to him.
So I thought more about it and I was just like, I can't send this letter to someone in recovery.
If there's anything that's gonna push him over the edge, it's, it could very well be this letter telling him that he's a garbage person.
For asking me for that.
Knowing that is something that has chronically played a relationship and how that's such a trigger for me, and he knows that and how selfish it is and all this stuff.
So what I decided to do instead was say, no.
To simply, well, not maybe simply, but to say no.
I realized at some point you have to put your foot down about something.
And if you can't put your foot down about something big, you have to at least put your foot down about something small.
And this comes back into the boundaries.
Because I've never been able to say no to him.
Every time he is asked for money, I've given it to him.
Even when he's out of work, I fund everything for him.
It doesn't motivate him to get back into work.
I made everything really easy for him and.
I give him anything he wants, but I'm not like a I'm not like a sugar mama.
Well, I'm acting like a sugar mama, but I want the funds of a sugar mama.
I don't have tons of disposable income.
I'm like, barely, you know, I'm like scraping by and so I just decided like I have to say, no, I realize that I'm a, yes, I am upset about him asking, but what I was really spiraling about was me.
Caving.
That's what I was upset about.
I wasn't raging at him.
I was really raging at myself.
I was about to do something that I knew was fundamentally not good for me, was fundamentally against my values, which, you know, it brings us back to the topic of the week that I've been thinking a lot about.
I also knew it was fundamentally not good for him.
I've constantly bailed him out our entire relationship.
I've been bailing him out financially, emotionally and I realized I just, I can't do that.
I just can't keep doing that.
Like something has to give eventually.
instead of sending him this letter, I ended up writing a letter to his recovery team and just telling them that I thought about his request for money and that I wasn't comfortable with it, and it was a long letter, but I definitely explained why this is an important point for me and why I need to stay firm, and that it's not just about the money.
It's also about the fact that if I give into this one thing, he's just gonna call in two weeks asking for more money.
But more than that, he is going to probably call me when he gets out of rehab.
He's going to ask to move back in.
He's going to ask me for rides.
He's gonna ask to use my car to go to work.
It just, those are all hypotheticals, but they are all things that have happened in the past and, but he is saying no to one thing.
You're saying? Yes to potentially everything, you know.
I was thinking about this thing that my friend told me, and she's very wise.
And she said of course he's gonna keep asking because you have always said yes.
So until you do something different, how is he gonna learn to do something different? If you're gonna keep giving in to him.
He's gonna keep asking if you can give in to him.
And I was thinking about that a lot yesterday as I was writing this letter to his team and on top of saying, you know, I'm not giving him money, I also doubled down.
And said that I didn't want him calling to ask for money at ever again.
And that I wasn't sure if that was something they could enforce or not, but if it was something that they could relay to him, that would be great.
'cause we have such limited contact.
And then I also said, you know, and if you can, I just want you to know that, if he does call and he ask for money, I will hang up and I will stop communicating with him.
And I won't read his letters.
I won't come to visit You know, when I say that out loud and I feel yes, go girl.
That is the right, that's the right step.
There's also a part of me that's worried I won't be able to hold firm to that, but that is for a different day like that, just at least getting the words out is the first step.
You have to set the boundary.
What I've learned over time about boundaries is I used to always think that.
A boundary was I would always frame them in a controlling way.
Like it wasn't a boundary because it didn't have anything to do with me.
It was always trying to still control the other person's actions.
It would always be like, this is, it would be rules.
They weren't boundaries, you know, it would be like, you're not allowed to drink in this house but those weren't boundaries because you can't control another person.
You can only control yourself.
So what I've been learning to do is think about boundaries I can set that are.
For myself, which are hard because a lot of times it feels if you set a boundary, like a classic one with someone with alcoholism is if you drink, then I will remove my, then I'll leave the H.
Like I'll leave the room, I'll leave the house, I'll go somewhere else.
I'll not stay here that night or whatever.
That can feel rough and that feels oh, okay, then I'm just like, it feels like I'm punishing myself because of someone else's behavior.
But it's really just an act of protection and you can't, unless you're willing to kick that person outta your house, you have to remove yourself from their space in that example.
So, so I set this boundary.
I was really proud of myself for saying no, and I couldn't get outta my head the rest of the night, I know it was the right thing.
I feel really guilty.
I'm worried about when he finds out about it.
I'm worried about how he'll react.
I worry if he will continue to talk to me.
I worry about if he'll just not want them to contact me at all in a defiant, immature kind of way, which he's known for.
But I was really proud of myself because it was the first time I said no.
And I think I was also just feeling a lot of emotions from that.
I said no, and I meant no.
And for the first time I felt really empowered.
I felt so defeated for so long and it felt setting a boundary and saying no, like really just helped me feel in my power a bit more.
It made me feel.
Like I ripped off a bandaid, I guess.
Like it was like this thing that I had been afraid to like really do and really mean, and I did it.
And of course there's a boundary's, not a one-time thing.
It's like something you have to continually enforce it.
It can't be, you know, so he could call me tomorrow once to ask for money.
He could call me next week and ask for money.
He could call me four months from now and ask for money.
But it felt good, at least for right now, to say it and to feel like I actually meant it.
'cause a lot of times when I've said, tried to say no, or whatever I knew as I was saying it, that this is not happening.
I'm not following through on this.
I'm immediately going to grab my wallet.
I'm like grabbing my wallet as I'm saying, no.
You know what I mean? So that felt really good.
But this morning when I was thinking about it, what felt even better than saying no.
Or maybe not better.
But what felt equally good was recognizing that I didn't send him that long ranty letter that I had written him originally.
You know, that was growth for me.
I'm learning that you don't have to respond to everything that's put in front of you.
You can.
Stay silent, you know, and you don't have to constantly get in.
Pulled into this back and forth, which happens a lot with addicts and it's really exhausting.
And I am famous for Stephanie's.
I'm the girl that like sends like the novel length text and one point I wrote my ex a 25 page letter when I was like kicking him out.
And I realized like me not sending him this long ranting letter where I basically rip him to shreds because I'm angry and I'm saying a lot of things in anger.
And probably though I feel a lot of those things I don't know that they always need, everything on your mind needs to be said every second that you're feeling it.
So that was growth for me to send instead of sending that letter to him, tearing the shreds.
Who knows what I mean? If I had received a letter like that, that would probably throw off my recovery, that would make me feel really horrible.
I don't know that it would be helpful to him, and I don't know that he would hear anything that I was saying in that letter anyways, I think that anger would override the message.
So sending the letter to his recovery team instead.
Just felt like a really powerful growth moment as well.
It isn't necessarily a boundary, but it does, I think, relate back to my values and one of the things I wanna value is my time and my energy.
And my energy was much better spent sending a thoughtful.
Coherent letter, productive letter to a professional to help mediate, then to send a long raging gobbledygook of an email of a letter to someone who is struggling.
And to me, I felt like sending that letter to him, though he probably deserves to hear some of it, the way in which I'm delivering it.
The things that I'm specifically saying in the letter, the harshness of them is probably better slept on and revisited a different day and would not serve him.
Would not serve me, and it would probably just pull us into some sort of animosity and that's just not worth my time and energy, you know? So.
So I was proud that I took that route instead of the route that like I have taken a million times before.
So that felt really good.
So those two things combined Just kind of reframed my whole week.
I was having a really tough week.
But those two things were on my mind.
As I was thinking a bit more about values and everything this past week, and I just thought boundaries really played into the value and deal breaker conversation.
So now that I have sort of debriefed you on all of that I wanna talk about my new word of the week.
So last week was value.
This week I am thinking about focus focus in a lot of different ways.
Focus on myself, focus on my goals.
I've been.
Studying for my project management professional certification, my PMP certification for almost a year now.
And it's been on my career bucket list, I guess, if you will for a few years.
And my daily life, I am a project manager.
I don't really love it.
But it makes end to me, it pays the bills and it, uses a lot of the skills that I've acquired over my years in various jobs.
right now I work in marketing as a project manager at an agency, and I wanna be a better project manager, but I also want to make sure I'm not limiting myself.
I feel like I have and force myself to stay in the marketing field.
And I don't really like marketing.
I never liked marketing.
In fact, it was something in high school where.
I feel like all the kids who didn't know what they wanted to do, all the kids who didn't have a vision for themselves, all the kids who were just like, well, I have to go to college.
I have to pick a major and I have to get a job.
I'm just gonna choose.
It was either like business or marketing.
It was sort of like the kids who wanted to make something on themselves but didn't really know, didn't really have a particular interest or anything like that.
To me, marketing just always seemed really boring and I was kind of right.
And but I've been studying for my project management certification and I have felt.
I really distracted from it for several months.
I've felt overwhelmed by it at times.
It makes me feel really bad that I haven't been able to take this test yet, that I haven't felt prepared yet.
So the word of the week is gonna be focused.
I wanna really think about how I can make this happen.
Think about how I can.
I continue to focus on myself and my other interests and hobbies that I'm developing and focus on this podcast and I guess like making time for things and maybe that's not the right.
Maybe that's not the right way to think about focus.
But that's how I always think about focus.
Probably 'cause I'm very type A, but like how can I make sure I'm making room for the things that I need and then when I'm sitting down to do those things that I am staying on task and.
And it's not just about okay, I'm gonna sit down and I'm gonna focus.
It's also just like when I sit down and I am focusing and I'm trying to study, I'm also like berating myself at the same time.
So it's well, don't focus on the bereavement, don't focus on how I'm I shouldn't still be studying.
I should like already have taken this task.
Like those things like refocusing my mind on the task at hand.
Along with focus, I think comes goal setting.
I said that this podcast wouldn't be specific to relationships and I feel like the last two episodes very much have been.
But I wanna talk about all sort of realms of self-improvement and healing and attaining the life that I want.
And I think this is a good example of that.
Obviously there's a bit of crossover with relationships in.
My codependency and my lack of autonomy when I'm in a relationship really derails me from my own personal projects and goals.
So there's definitely a tinge of that going on as well.
When I'm single, I have incredible focus and drive.
I am on top of my shit.
The house is generally spotless.
My savings is usually growing.
I'm making mature, responsible decisions every day.
But when I'm in a relationship, I can't seem to do anything else but worry about my partner, what they're doing, what they're up to.
It's just that codependent, hyper-focused on them.
I go to the wayside kind of thinking, and it's not like I think someone is cheating on me or anything like that.
It's just this disgusting clinginess.
It's like as soon as I get off of, so like a comparison, right? So if I get off of work at 5, 5 30, 6 o'clock or whatever.
When I'm in a relationship, my focus is immediately on, okay, when am I gonna be able to hang out with my partner? When are we gonna watch on tv? What are we gonna make for dinner? When's he coming in from outside? Is he back from work yet? Like, when's he getting back from work? Like, all this stuff, it's just like really it's kind of just, it's upsetting but when I'm single, I get off of work same time, and I'll watch a little tv.
I'll make a really nice dinner for myself.
I'll record this episode of a podcast.
I will.
Sit down and reconfigure my budget.
I will study a little bit.
I will go do something in the garden.
I will, it's like my nights suddenly feel like they're an endless amount of time, but when I'm in a relationship, it feels like I have to cram.
Essentially nothing into a really short window of time.
And I'm sure that probably didn't make any sense.
But the point is that I'm so much more focused when I'm single, which is great.
It's great to have focus, but I wish that I could be that same way when I'm in a relationship.
But of course I am single right now, so I wanna have more focus and I think I'm getting to that point where it's you know, like I've mentioned like the last couple weeks, it feels really boring.
There's so much time to fill up and I think I'm past the point of spending all that time wallowing or spending all that time VEing.
And I actually want to make the most of my time some goals that I'm setting for myself is obviously the PMP studying and being consistent with that.
I think that's been one of my biggest struggles is I study really hard for a couple weeks and I like take a break and I come back and study real hard for a couple weeks and take a break, but I'm losing so much knowledge in between that.
That it feels like every time I go back to study, I'm like starting over.
And I think that's part of what's like dragging me down.
The other goal I want to think about how I can do better is movement.
I have a very sedentary job.
I sit for 6, 7, 8, sometimes up to 12 hours a day.
Then I'm mentally exhausted and then I just am so tired.
I don't wanna do anything after work.
I don't wanna go for a walk, I don't wanna exercise.
I don't wanna, I just wanna move from my chair to my couch and that's so awful.
So movement.
I wanna think about other ways I can add more movement into my day and find things that I'd like to do to get that movement.
I also want to think about how I can be better focused during my work time.
So because I don't love my job, it's really hard to stay focused, but my job is very.
Fast paced and often demanding, but there were also like a lot of lulls throughout the day where I'm trying to, I know I have a lot of stuff to get done and I could fit it into those lulls, like the non-client work.
But I find myself so easily distracted.
I find myself constantly picking up my phone to check Instagram.
I wanna find more time to just be able to.
Just like not constantly having the TV on.
I think that also has a lot to do with focus.
A lot of, I love social media, I love tv, but I think, it zaps our attention span So those are the things I'm wanting to work on this week I wanted to end this episode with a couple of recommendations of books that I've been reading that I've, I found particularly helpful I don't know if they will be as helpful for you on your journey, whatever whatever that looks like.
But the first one is called girlfriend a Bill.
12 Things you Need to Know About Dating Someone in Recovery.
It's written by Karen Nagy Nay.
She has dated people in recovery several times, and she's kind of put together things that she's learned from her own experiences and from the people in her circle.
And it's.
A list of all these different things that you need to keep in mind when you're doing someone in recovery, whether they're new to recovery in particular, or whether they are farther along on the journey of recovery.
And it just sort of puts some frame, reframe some things that I found interesting to think about.
I've dated a couple people who have been in recovery and or have struggled and maybe not found recovery.
So it was really interesting to kind of put some things even someone who like, I kind of felt like I already knew some of this.
It really put it in a new perspective and it was super easy to read.
I think I read it in a couple nights.
But it was really insightful and it was a good starter kind of starter book.
So if you are someone who is dating someone in recovery and you're kind of confused about.
What am I doing? Why are they doing this? How could I be better supportive? It's a really good book, so I would recommend you checking that out.
I had actually bought it.
A relationship or two ago and didn't get very far into it.
I think I found it like really overwhelming at the time or something.
I read part of it and then just kind of put it down and didn't go back to it.
This time around, I really plowed through it and I just found myself highlighting so many things.
So I highly recommend that book.
And then the other book I have been reading, which has been immensely helpful is called Toxic Relationship Recovery, your Guide to Identifying Toxic Partners, leaving Unhealthy Dynamics and Healing Emotional Wounds After a Breakup.
And it's written by Jamie Mahler.
There's also another book that I bought and just read a chapter or so in.
Would put it down, pick it up, read a chapter, and then never go back to it.
I bought this when me and one of my exes, we had taken a break and I thought this is the end.
So I picked up this book at a tiny little, at the Bridgeton Bookstore in Maine and I was, so, it has one of those like classic.
Relationship looking covers.
And, you know, it's just, it's real tough to bring a book to account or to be purchased in person by someone called Toxic Relationship Recovery.
Not that there's anything to be embarrassed about, but it did just feel so oh, you must be going for a breakup.
So, but anyway, the book has been so immensely helpful.
The exercises are so.
So insightful and I am towards the end of the book, so I have I think I have a chapter or two left.
But the questions that she ask are.
So insightful.
But they're easy exercises.
I sometimes you get these like relationship books and you're like, okay, this feels like I'm taking a math test.
Like I just, she makes it feel very easy.
She makes healing, feel very doable.
And she also, the thing that I love is she gives so many, use cases like little mini case studies throughout the book, that kind of helps.
Sometimes it's hard to wrap your head around some of these topics 'cause they're so cerebral and it's hard to figure out like, am I the toxic person? Is the other person the toxic person? Is that a toxic trait of mine and whatever.
And so it's hard to like kind of, set the.
Set the concepts into reality sometimes.
But she gives so many like little use cases and scenarios and and vignettes of like how certain dynamics play out in relationships.
And they're such common scenarios that like, I really thought well, I'm not gonna relate to any of these.
They're gonna be so specific.
But it was shocking how many of them I was like, yeah, I've kinda been there.
So I recommend that book very much and.
Do the exercises.
I think so many people get self-help books and just read through it.
You really have to do the exercises, the value is in the exercises.
You can find information about toxic relationships and codependency and unhealthy dynamics like.
Anywhere, just Google it.
But it's the exercises that are the therapy part of it.
Not like it's a replacement for therapy, but those are the things that like really make you question your own intentions, your own behaviors.
And it really forces you to.
Confront yourself and confront your own traits.
If you're not doing the exercises, it's like, why buy the book? You know, it's basically just, you can just Google all the other information for free.
Do the exercises.
They're so, they you, they feel stupid sometimes when you're doing them.
I feel you do feel embarrassed when I'm doing that.
'cause I think, why do I need a workbook about knowing whether or not someone's being an asshole to me? But you.
You do you like? You just, if we're repeating these patterns, there's something in us that we need to understand in order to break.
That dynamic and to break that cycle and to start to make ourselves aware of what we're doing and why, and more importantly, why we're doing it so that we can try to steer ourselves and course correct in a different direction.
So those are two books that I highly recommend.
Would love to know what you guys are reading and what books have worked well for you.
I have a couple of other workbooks that I have picked up along the way that I'm excited to try as well.
They're more traditional workbooks than these other two books, which are just self-help with some questions.
But one is about forgiveness and one is about self-confidence.
So I'm excited to crack into those.
But yeah, let me know what you guys are thinking of the podcast.
Let me know if there's anything you wanna hear me talk about.
Like what are you guys dealing with that you.
Want to hear me blab about and and let me know what you're reading.
You can find me at Solitary Creature Pod on Instagram.
All right, well, thanks everyone.
Talk to you next week.
Bye.