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What Your Spouse is Actually Saying with Scottie and Vicky Albious - 305 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

• 0:07
  Daniel Moore: Let me ask you a question.
• 0:09
  Daniel Moore: Have you ever answered your spouse's exact question perfectly, logically, respectfully, and still somehow ended up in a full-blown knockdown drag out five minutes later?
• 0:19
  Daniel Moore: Like you solved the math problem, showed your work, carried the one, and your spouse still looked at you like you failed the class?
• 0:26
  Daniel Moore: But we've all been there.
• 0:28
  Daniel Moore: Sometimes we respond to the words, but completely miss the heart.
• 0:32
  Daniel Moore: You hear, I'm fine, and think, great, mission accomplished.
• 0:36
  Daniel Moore: While your spouse is thinking, wow, they didn't notice anything.
• 0:40
  Daniel Moore: Today we're talking about one of the biggest communication disconnects in marriage.
• 0:45
  Daniel Moore: Most conflict isn't really about what's said, it's about what's felt.
• 0:49
  Daniel Moore: So in this week's episode, we're learning how to become heart listeners, not just word hearers, understanding why we miss emotional subtext, what common phrases often really mean, and how to respond in a way that builds connection instead of tension.
• 1:03
  Daniel Moore: If you've ever thought that is not what I meant, or that is not what I heard, well this episode is for you.
• 1:10
  Daniel Moore: Welcome to Marriage Life and More.
• 1:23
  Daniel Moore: This is a podcast about marriage, Bible, and book studies.
• 1:26
  Daniel Moore: We interview people that have inspiring stories.
• 1:28
  Daniel Moore: I'm Danny Moore, your host, and over here once again next to me is my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.
• 1:34
  Michelle Moore: Hey, hey.
• 1:35
  Daniel Moore: Gotta wake her up over there.
• 1:37
  Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for joining us this week.
• 1:39
  Michelle Moore: It's like watching my name.
• 1:40
  Michelle Moore: Like, wait a second.
• 1:44
  Daniel Moore: Good start here with this week's episode.
• 1:47
  Daniel Moore: If not for me with our show, check out our website at marriagelifeandwar.com for our platforms.
• 1:52
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• 2:03
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• 2:07
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• 2:14
  Daniel Moore: Well, last week we talked a little bit about communication.
• 2:18
  Daniel Moore: We had Scottie and Vicky Albus here with us and had an awesome conversation.
• 2:23
  Daniel Moore: This week they come back and we're going to be talking about a different topic this week.
• 2:28
  Daniel Moore: We're going to be talking about what your spouse is really saying.
• 2:32
  Daniel Moore: Scottie and Vicky, welcome back once again.
• 2:53
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, we're looking forward to it.
• 2:55
  Daniel Moore: Had had a fun time last week.
• 2:57
  Daniel Moore: Really enjoyed that episode.
• 2:59
  Daniel Moore: And I know this one's going to be another one.
• 3:02
  Daniel Moore: And we're going to be talking a little bit more about some different types of communication again with uh marriages and with spouses.
• 3:09
  Daniel Moore: And I think this week's going to be pretty awesome.
• 3:13
  Daniel Moore: So we're going to go ahead and get into that.
• 3:15
  Daniel Moore: First questions here have you ever responded to the words but completely missed the heart?
• 3:22
  Daniel Moore: And have you ever answered the question and still ended up in an argument?
• 3:26
  Daniel Moore: Have you guys ever had that happen before?
• 3:28
  Daniel Moore: Oh yeah.
• 3:30
  Daniel Moore: A time or two?
• 3:31
  Daniel Moore: Oh yeah.
• 3:32
  Daniel Moore: Been there and wrote the book, right?
• 3:35
  Daniel Moore: Mastered it.
• 3:37
  Daniel Moore: That's right.
• 3:38
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, I think we've all been there and I think it goes both ways.
• 3:42
  Daniel Moore: I think sometimes, you know, we we just we say things and we misinterpret and there's no context there.
• 3:48
  Daniel Moore: There's just lots of different reasons uh that that happens.
• 3:51
  Daniel Moore: But you know, a lot of times um in con in conflict and marriage, uh a lot of times it's not really about one's what's said, it's really just about how it's taken.
• 4:00
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 4:00
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 4:00
  Daniel Moore: You know, there's there's some context missing, or uh, you know, we just think we understand what's going on, but there's actually something else going on.
• 4:08
  Daniel Moore: And a lot of times that's because of unspoken expectations, and there's just a lot of stuff that goes into that.
• 4:14
  Daniel Moore: And, you know, when that happens, it can really cause disconnects between spouses and it can actually create problems, believe it or not.
• 4:22
  Daniel Moore: You know, it's just one of those things.
• 4:24
  Daniel Moore: We're all human and uh sometimes uh on a bad day we just take things the wrong way and it can go south pretty quickly.
• 4:32
  Daniel Moore: So we're gonna have a little bit of fun with this episode this week as we get into it, and we'll talk a little bit about that this week.
• 4:39
  Daniel Moore: So as we first get started here, we want to start out by talking about words versus meaning.
• 4:45
  Daniel Moore: And, you know, a lot of times as we're talking to our spouses and we're having conversations, uh, we hear statements, we hear words, and we hear the chatter going on, you know, in the background.
• 4:57
  Daniel Moore: Might be trying to plug our ears while we're doing it, but we're hearing what's going on.
• 5:01
  Daniel Moore: Uh but you know, in the middle of a lot of that, there's a lot of times we just miss signals.
• 5:05
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 5:05
  Daniel Moore: You know, we just we miss the context of that conversation.
• 5:09
  Daniel Moore: And whenever that happens, when you miss those those uh signals there belief beneath the surface, you know, those can include the tone or the timing, body language, emotional intensity, repeated patterns, uh, those often when those take place and we miss it, you know, those often reveal deeper needs like feeling unheard, unsafe, or disconnected.
• 5:31
  Daniel Moore: Uh so when you guys are communicating and you have these moments where it just doesn't seem like you're on the the same page, uh what's your reaction?
• 5:41
  Daniel Moore: What's the first thing really that comes to to mind when you think about those times that that's happened?
• 5:47
  Daniel Moore: Uh what has that made you feel like?
• 5:52
  Vicky Albious: I've I've learned to um make sure he's looking at me, number one.
• 5:56
  Vicky Albious: To actually listen, because if he's not looking at me, I know he's not listening.
• 6:01
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 6:02
  Vicky Albious: Um but I've yeah, I've learned to, hey, you know, pay attention.
• 6:07
  Vicky Albious: But man, when there's moments I've said things or whatever, and he he I'll see I'll be like, Well, I said that, and no, you didn't.
• 6:14
  Vicky Albious: You know, I'm like, because you're not listening.
• 6:18
  Vicky Albious: I need you to listen.
• 6:19
  Vicky Albious: It makes me it I get pretty frustrated about that sometimes.
• 6:22
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 6:23
  Daniel Moore: That eye contact thing really is a good that's a good point.
• 6:26
  Daniel Moore: Because in good communication, if you go through a communication study and you look into all of that, that is one of the things that's actually brought out is you you maintain eye contact.
• 6:36
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 6:37
  Daniel Moore: Because that for first of all, that shows that that person that's listening is truly interested in what you're saying because it's it's hard to look into somebody's eyes and not get the context of that conversation unless you're just totally out of it, you know.
• 6:51
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 6:52
  Daniel Moore: Um, so and then that also gives the person speaking, I think, that extra confidence that I think I'm getting through.
• 6:58
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 6:58
  Daniel Moore: I think that they are listening.
• 7:01
  Daniel Moore: And, you know, I so there's a lot to that, uh, because like you said, if I'm the same way, you know, if I'm talking to Michelle and she's looking off the other direction, fiddling with something while I'm speaking or whatever, and then all of a sudden I'm done talking and there's silence.
• 7:16
  Daniel Moore: I'm like, did you just hear what I said?
• 7:17
  Daniel Moore: And you know, if she comes back and tells me, Oh, oh yeah, I caught you know some of that, or you know, I don't know.
• 7:22
  Daniel Moore: What would you say?
• 7:23
  Daniel Moore: You know, it's like, well, that makes you feel like you're not important.
• 7:26
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, you know?
• 7:27
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 7:27
  Daniel Moore: And you know, and I we've all been there.
• 7:30
  Daniel Moore: Oh yeah.
• 7:30
  Daniel Moore: You know, we've we've all had those moments.
• 7:32
  Vicky Albious: Well, I think the worst thing these days is our phones.
• 7:35
  Daniel Moore: Oh yeah.
• 7:35
  Vicky Albious: Like we have our phones in our hands all the time.
• 7:38
  Vicky Albious: And I mean, I think that's caused a huge communication gap with couples.
• 7:43
  Michelle Moore: And disconnect.
• 7:44
  Michelle Moore: And even with our kids.
• 7:45
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 7:46
  Vicky Albious: Because I find myself, you know, when my boys will come in or Kira, you know, and I'll be doing something on my phone.
• 7:51
  Vicky Albious: And I've had to learn to like set it to the side and focus in.
• 7:56
  Vicky Albious: Otherwise, they'll, you know, mom, mom, I've asked you this, or you know, or even with Scottie, he'll say something to me.
• 8:01
  Vicky Albious: And then I'm like, wait a minute, like, what did you just say?
• 8:03
  Vicky Albious: And then, oh my gosh, it's so bad.
• 8:06
  Vicky Albious: Our phones are just wrecking us.
• 8:09
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, it makes me think of, you know, the whole time we we're sitting there just totally involved in our phone, and we're building that superficial relationship with other people's, you know, highlight reels with everything that we're looking through, while the relationship that means the most to us is dying sitting next to us on the couch.
• 8:29
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 8:30
  Daniel Moore: You know, and you look at it and you think about it that way, that's totally backwards to how our marriage is supposed to function and how it's supposed to look.
• 8:39
  Daniel Moore: And and the problem with that is is a lot of it's unintentional.
• 8:43
  Daniel Moore: A lot of times we don't even realize what's going on sometimes.
• 8:47
  Daniel Moore: And that's a very scary place to be because, you know, if if you allow that to happen all the time and it becomes a habit, then it almost comes to where you're just two people, you know, like two ships passing in the night, you know, just kind of existing in the same room.
• 9:03
  Vicky Albious: That's we have a f some friends at church, and that was one of the things the wife had talked to me about is she said we've learned that at a certain time at night, all phones go put.
• 9:12
  Vicky Albious: I think she said like around eight, like all phones go put away.
• 9:16
  Vicky Albious: And she's like, it's helped our marriage so much because we're actually engaging with each other and and with our kids.
• 9:23
  Vicky Albious: And you know.
• 9:25
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 9:26
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 9:26
  Daniel Moore: And and I'm not gonna I think we can all agree, we're not gonna, you know, knock the whole phone thing completely.
• 9:33
  Daniel Moore: I think there's times that we've can we do have good communication and there's times we just need some downtime and both of us might be sitting there looking at some stuff and we're okay with that.
• 9:42
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, sure.
• 9:43
  Daniel Moore: We're just we're still there together, we're spending time.
• 9:46
  Daniel Moore: Uh you know, if if both people are okay with that moment and whatever, I think there is opportunity for that stuff to happen occasionally.
• 9:54
  Daniel Moore: Sure.
• 9:54
  Daniel Moore: But we have to anything that can become a habit in in your life that can create a disconnect in your relationships, I think those are the signs that you need to watch for.
• 10:05
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 10:05
  Daniel Moore: Because when that starts to happen, that's where the danger zone is at, because then uh you're really in jeopardy of of hurting that relationship.
• 10:14
  Scottie Albious: You know, I like I like how you you you describe that as like a habit, you know, how you're listening, how you're being intentional if you're not, or even if you're being intentional, unten unintentional, whatever.
• 10:25
  Scottie Albious: And um I I I read this thing recently that says like habits will determine the traject traject trajectory, oh my gosh, of your future.
• 10:35
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, that's good.
• 10:36
  Scottie Albious: So if you take that into your marriage, the way you're responding, the way you're communicating like that, that will determine your marriage as well.
• 10:43
  Scottie Albious: And if you think about it, like you know, if you don't fix it right now, and and I'm speaking for myself, I tell myself, I tell people all the time, I'm gonna be first telling myself.
• 10:51
  Scottie Albious: Um depends, like when we're communicating and we're talking and we're trying to figure something out, then I'll be intentional, okay, lock eyes.
• 10:59
  Scottie Albious: But when it comes to, I've noticed for me, when it comes to I'm learning, when it comes to conflict, I don't want to feel pain.
• 11:06
  Scottie Albious: Right.
• 11:06
  Scottie Albious: I don't want to feel hurt, I don't want to feel anger.
• 11:09
  Scottie Albious: So my mind is somewhere else.
• 11:11
  Scottie Albious: I'm on the computer.
• 11:11
  Scottie Albious: I put my phone away, but I'm on the computer looking, building a website or lit watching a um a podcast, or and she's like, Are you listening?
• 11:19
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, I'm listening I'm listening, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
• 11:21
  Scottie Albious: Because I don't want to feel that pain.
• 11:22
  Scottie Albious: Right.
• 11:23
  Scottie Albious: You have to be intentional.
• 11:24
  Scottie Albious: If you're gonna be married, you have to be intimate, whether it's conflict, whether it's trying to figure out a problem, but you have to be intentional and build those healthy habits because that's gonna determine your marriage going into the future.
• 11:35
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 11:35
  Scottie Albious: That's good.
• 11:36
  Daniel Moore: And there's a dis there's a a distinct difference in a good habit and a bad habit.
• 11:40
  Daniel Moore: Yes.
• 11:40
  Daniel Moore: And honestly, if you look at it, I like the context of what you're saying there because really our life is really kind of built around our habits.
• 11:49
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, the things that we do on a daily basis.
• 11:53
  Daniel Moore: Uh, there's a lot of things that are repetitive in our lives and in our relationships, and those repetitive things are habits, so we need to create good habits to make sure that we can function in the way that we're supposed to as a godly couple.
• 12:07
  Scottie Albious: Yes.
• 12:07
  Daniel Moore: And I like the context of that.
• 12:10
  Daniel Moore: Uh, another thing a lot of times in our relationships that causes problems is the difference in our emotional wiring, the way that we're created.
• 12:18
  Daniel Moore: And I think I think when God created Adam and Eve, you know, he he had to be laughing a lot that day when when he created both, though, was like, I'm gonna put these two people together and I'm gonna sit back and watch the show.
• 12:29
  Daniel Moore: You know, it's like I always like to think of it that way because most generally when you have a good marriage, you're usually opposites a lot of times.
• 12:38
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 12:38
  Daniel Moore: And uh sometimes opposites can be bad because you'll you'll conflict constantly.
• 12:44
  Daniel Moore: Um, but there's also good things in opposites because you can complement each other.
• 12:48
  Daniel Moore: Exactly.
• 12:49
  Daniel Moore: Where one person has strengths, the other one may have a weakness in that area, and then where they have their strengths, the other one has weaknesses.
• 12:55
  Daniel Moore: And when you guys, you know, functionally do that in a correct way, you come you come together and you mesh, right?
• 13:02
  Daniel Moore: Then you have a good relationship and a good marriage at that point because you balance each other out.
• 13:06
  Daniel Moore: And that reflects back a lot into your uh communication at that point.
• 13:11
  Daniel Moore: And so when we have this emotional wiring difference, it creates a couple of things.
• 13:16
  Daniel Moore: Uh, number one, a spouse may feel emotions deeply and immediately needing to talk right now, as soon as this conflict happens, okay, we're gonna fix this, let's do it.
• 13:26
  Daniel Moore: You know, the other person standing there thinking, I need some time.
• 13:30
  Daniel Moore: I need to I need to think about this before we jump into this conversation, you know.
• 13:35
  Daniel Moore: That was so uh a long time ago.
• 13:37
  Daniel Moore: So let's talk about that for a minute.
• 13:39
  Daniel Moore: How about we not?
• 13:40
  Michelle Moore: No, can we next question?
• 13:42
  Daniel Moore: That was so us as well.
• 13:43
  Daniel Moore: We're gonna dig into the emotional side of this whole thing here.
• 13:47
  Daniel Moore: Get into the feelings.
• 13:49
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 13:49
  Daniel Moore: So with you two, how do you guys look at that between are are you guys kind of on the opposite spectrum with that, or how do you guys handle that?
• 13:59
  Vicky Albious: We used to, because I used to be the one to let's talk about this right now, you know, and then he would just not be ready for it at all.
• 14:06
  Vicky Albious: He was the one that was like, I'm gonna need a day or so, you know.
• 14:10
  Vicky Albious: And I think I've gotten to a place because of just those first years of how when I did go about it that way, like, oh my gosh, it would ended up being like a two-hour ordeal sometimes.
• 14:23
  Vicky Albious: Like, cause I'm like, why are you not understanding what I, you know, I'd be so upset or whatever.
• 14:28
  Vicky Albious: And I've learned now like to back, like back down.
• 14:32
  Vicky Albious: And I need to process what, why am I feeling this way?
• 14:37
  Vicky Albious: Why am I so angry?
• 14:38
  Vicky Albious: Like, what, you know, with what this situation, what, why do I feel, you know, and I've learned to kind of like process it.
• 14:45
  Vicky Albious: And then, you know, still sometimes even then when we do sit down and talk, I'm still like, I'm like frustrated, but I am able to explain out why.
• 14:54
  Michelle Moore: Right.
• 14:54
  Vicky Albious: This is why I'm so upset about it, because it made me feel this way.
• 14:59
  Vicky Albious: Yeah.
• 14:59
  Vicky Albious: And then he's like, oh, okay.
• 15:01
  Vicky Albious: Like, yeah.
• 15:03
  Scottie Albious: I think in those moments too, in in the middle of a conflict, I've had to, for me, I've had to realize, okay, she's coming at me with love, not with anger, and not because she wants to fight me.
• 15:13
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 15:13
  Scottie Albious: Because if she, and it depends on her words too.
• 15:15
  Scottie Albious: If she comes to, we need to fix this now.
• 15:17
  Scottie Albious: Now I'm thinking, okay, because I'm not doing my part.
• 15:19
  Scottie Albious: Let's do it.
• 15:20
  Scottie Albious: What are we gonna what are we gonna do?
• 15:21
  Scottie Albious: We're fixing it right now.
• 15:22
  Scottie Albious: Or if she says, babe, we kind of need to figure this out.
• 15:25
  Scottie Albious: What are we gonna do?
• 15:25
  Scottie Albious: That tells me, all right, let me process, let me figure out what's going on, and then we can communicate instead of being like, we're gonna fix this right now, we're gonna get this over with, we're gonna do what we need to do to get you know this solved, instead we're doing it, you know, in love and trying to figure out.
• 15:40
  Scottie Albious: You know, you you were talking about when when opposites, you know, if they work together, I I I think about even in conflict, if we're going the the right direction, the same direction, that's beneficial.
• 15:51
  Scottie Albious: If we're going different opposite ends, that's when we're gonna start drifting.
• 15:55
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 15:55
  Scottie Albious: And that's when we start getting angry because she's not listening, he's not listening to me, she doesn't understand me, he doesn't understand me, you know.
• 16:01
  Scottie Albious: Instead, if we just take time, like be quick to listen, take time.
• 16:05
  Scottie Albious: I've realized like you don't have to fix things right then and there.
• 16:09
  Scottie Albious: Right, right.
• 16:10
  Scottie Albious: Let God fix it.
• 16:11
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, get let him give you the wisdom, let the Holy Spirit help you heal your heart, give you direction before you use your words, use God's words, you know.
• 16:20
  Scottie Albious: Even the Bible, like Michelle always drops these, like I said, truth bomb, you know, proverbs on us, and it's good, and she's getting ready to right now, but still.
• 16:27
  Michelle Moore: Yes, I am.
• 16:28
  Scottie Albious: See, look at that.
• 16:28
  Scottie Albious: Look at that time.
• 16:29
  Scottie Albious: That's beautiful.
• 16:30
  Scottie Albious: Go ahead.
• 16:30
  Scottie Albious: Please enlighten.
• 16:31
  Michelle Moore: We're going into Proverbs again, and we're gonna go to two six.
• 16:35
  Michelle Moore: For the Lord grants wisdom from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
• 16:42
  Michelle Moore: And in my notes, it says the wisdom of God.
• 16:45
  Michelle Moore: Many people constantly run around trying to fix all the difficulties in their lives, bringing their problems to God only when things seem hopeless.
• 16:56
  Michelle Moore: But all that time God is willing to grant us wisdom.
• 17:00
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 17:00
  Michelle Moore: How much better off would we be if we brought our problems to God as soon as we recognized them?
• 17:06
  Michelle Moore: We would avoid the many of the consequences uh we avoid, we would avoid many of the consequences we suffer for the wrong actions.
• 17:14
  Michelle Moore: The world's wisdom cannot measure up to God, so turn to Him quickly in every crisis.
• 17:21
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, that's good.
• 17:22
  Scottie Albious: Do you have like a microphone I can throw down real quick?
• 17:24
  Scottie Albious: Because that was really good.
• 17:25
  Scottie Albious: Thank you.
• 17:25
  Scottie Albious: Proverbs, send that to me too.
• 17:28
  Scottie Albious: That's really good.
• 17:29
  Scottie Albious: I like that.
• 17:29
  Scottie Albious: I'll do that.
• 17:30
  Scottie Albious: That's awesome.
• 17:31
  Scottie Albious: I love it.
• 17:32
  Michelle Moore: I mean, I was thinking about, you know, back in when we were first married, you know, and how I was like, let's fix it, let's fix it.
• 17:39
  Michelle Moore: And you're like, we're not even gonna talk about it because I don't even I I don't even want to talk about it.
• 17:44
  Michelle Moore: I mean, you wanted to avoid everything possible that we could because you didn't want to tell me how you really felt about it.
• 17:51
  Michelle Moore: But now, I mean, it's like we don't ever have disagreements.
• 17:56
  Michelle Moore: And if we do, I mean, in if I'm emotional, the first thing I go to is like, God, I'm emotional.
• 18:03
  Michelle Moore: This is not a time to, you know, to bring up what we need to talk about because my emotions are way out of whack and it's just gonna create more problems.
• 18:14
  Michelle Moore: And I mean, you've called me on the carpet.
• 18:16
  Michelle Moore: There's been a couple times I'm just like, okay, whatever.
• 18:19
  Michelle Moore: And he's like, Hey, you know, I didn't mean it this way.
• 18:22
  Michelle Moore: Let's talk about this.
• 18:23
  Michelle Moore: And I'm like, well, there's nothing to talk about, you know.
• 18:25
  Michelle Moore: And you know, but really and honestly, if you're upset about something, you know, you want to talk about it now.
• 18:32
  Michelle Moore: Back then you didn't.
• 18:33
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, now you want to talk about it because you don't want anything between us.
• 18:37
  Michelle Moore: Right.
• 18:37
  Michelle Moore: And me, I'm like, uh, it's up, it's whatever, you know.
• 18:40
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 18:40
  Scottie Albious: And I think as we mature as as couples, as married couples, we we we figure out how to conflict, like uh healthy.
• 18:48
  Scottie Albious: And I mean that by like, okay, like when we were first married, because you said something about being first married, it was about me.
• 18:54
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 18:55
  Scottie Albious: Scottie wants this fixed this way.
• 18:56
  Scottie Albious: Scottie, and I wish you like even thinking back in the day, because we were talking about how it refreshes our man, my prayers back then was God, you go get her.
• 19:04
  Scottie Albious: Holy Spirit, fix her, God fix her.
• 19:06
  Scottie Albious: You know what it is now?
• 19:07
  Scottie Albious: Holy Spirit, help me.
• 19:08
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:09
  Michelle Moore: That's so good.
• 19:10
  Scottie Albious: That's so changed so much.
• 19:11
  Scottie Albious: Holy Spirit, help me.
• 19:12
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, Holy Spirit, give me the words.
• 19:14
  Scottie Albious: But used to be it's God fix her, you know what I mean?
• 19:16
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, but even in in in conflict, prayers change.
• 19:19
  Scottie Albious: And once prayers change, hearts change.
• 19:21
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, and now the way we react changes.
• 19:24
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:26
  Daniel Moore: We are individually responsible for ourselves.
• 19:29
  Daniel Moore: Yes, yes.
• 19:30
  Daniel Moore: It doesn't matter how I feel like about how Michelle responds to things, right?
• 19:34
  Daniel Moore: I can't change her.
• 19:35
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 19:36
  Daniel Moore: She's gonna have to change herself.
• 19:37
  Daniel Moore: That's right.
• 19:38
  Daniel Moore: God's gonna have to change her heart.
• 19:39
  Daniel Moore: And then when it comes to me, it's the same way.
• 19:41
  Daniel Moore: Yes.
• 19:42
  Daniel Moore: You know, I'm responsible for me.
• 19:43
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 19:44
  Daniel Moore: And so when we get back to that point where we understand that most conflicts aren't one-sided, usually there's two sides to every story, and neither one of them's probably perfect.
• 19:55
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 19:56
  Daniel Moore: So when we can both come to that understanding and realize that we both need fixed before we go into this to communicate about it, to fix it between the two of us, it comes out so much better.
• 20:06
  Daniel Moore: Because then we've already taken responsibility and gotten ourselves to a healthy spot where we have a safe space now that we can talk about that.
• 20:13
  Daniel Moore: And I I do know at one point in time uh I was one that didn't want to get right into it.
• 20:20
  Daniel Moore: You know, I wanted to hold back for and it and I do want to say before we go to Vicky here, uh don't think that you can't ask for space.
• 20:30
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 20:31
  Daniel Moore: Because don't let anybody force you into wanting to fix it right now.
• 20:37
  Daniel Moore: I know that that is some people's uh they're the way that they're wired and that's their personality.
• 20:43
  Daniel Moore: But if one of the spouses needs that time to step away for a minute, you have to allow them that space to do that.
• 20:49
  Daniel Moore: Absolutely.
• 20:50
  Daniel Moore: I love it.
• 20:50
  Daniel Moore: Because you don't want to come into a thing where one uh whether that's so escalated and there's so many dynamics going on at that moment, you're just gonna trash each other and you're gonna be in a bad, bad spot.
• 21:01
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 21:02
  Vicky Albious: So I was thinking of the scripture, Psalms 19, 14, and it's let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer.
• 21:12
  Vicky Albious: And that so applies into the wisdom part of it as, you know, like take that time to be like, God, is what I'm about to say or what I'm thinking, is it acceptable to, you know, you and like what, you know, how and it goes back to what Scottie said of our habits, even of like how are we thinking about our spouse in those heated moments, like they're doing this because of this or that, you know.
• 21:36
  Vicky Albious: Instead we need to be like, okay, why are they doing this?
• 21:40
  Vicky Albious: You know, like just let our our thoughts be acceptable for the Lord and change our thoughts if they need change.
• 21:48
  Scottie Albious: And I know this sounds so different too.
• 21:49
  Scottie Albious: Sorry to mean to cut you off.
• 21:50
  Scottie Albious: I know this sounds different too, but you know, I've always heard people say, you know, honor your spouse for their differences.
• 21:56
  Scottie Albious: And I remember during my prayer, I'm like, God fix her, God fix her.
• 21:59
  Scottie Albious: Well, those were the things I loved about her in the first release.
• 22:01
  Scottie Albious: That's why I married her.
• 22:02
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 22:03
  Scottie Albious: That's when it started changing, God fix me.
• 22:06
  Scottie Albious: Because of my selfishness.
• 22:07
  Scottie Albious: There's something wrong and why I'm angry, I'm hurt, you know, prideful, whatever it is.
• 22:11
  Scottie Albious: Fix me.
• 22:12
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 22:12
  Scottie Albious: That's good.
• 22:12
  Scottie Albious: You know.
• 22:13
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, that's really good.
• 22:14
  Daniel Moore: We just have to remember with this difference in the way that we're wired and our personality differences, um, they can actually lead to one spouse to feel too sensitive and the other can feel emotionally distant.
• 22:27
  Daniel Moore: Depending on how you come into that conversation, even though both are responding according to the way that they were created.
• 22:33
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 22:33
  Daniel Moore: And we can almost despise our beginnings, we can despise who God's created us to be because now that's creating a wall there that we're both bumping into because we can't seem to get on the same page.
• 22:44
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 22:45
  Daniel Moore: And so, but God created us like that for a purpose.
• 22:48
  Daniel Moore: Yes.
• 22:48
  Daniel Moore: And it's it's up to us with the leading of the Holy Spirit to come to an understanding of how we cross those gaps and make that work.
• 22:57
  Daniel Moore: Yes.
• 22:57
  Daniel Moore: And be able to be in a spot where we can work together on that.
• 23:02
  Daniel Moore: Uh, you know, when when as couples, when we understand that there's different emotional reactions to the different things that take place, uh, we can eventually get to a point where we can actually get into each other's story and understand where each other's coming from rather than it feel like we're being judged.
• 23:18
  Daniel Moore: Right, right.
• 23:19
  Daniel Moore: Um, by what's going on in our conversation, another thing that can uh can really be heavy on this type of a situation is stress, fatigue, and unmet expectations.
• 23:52
  Michelle Moore: Ooh, you said unmet expectations.
• 23:54
  Michelle Moore: That's a big one.
• 23:56
  Daniel Moore: It is.
• 23:57
  Daniel Moore: Why don't you elaborate on that?
• 23:58
  Daniel Moore: Please.
• 24:00
  Michelle Moore: Uh why do you do that to me?
• 24:04
  Daniel Moore: No.
• 24:04
  Michelle Moore: I think, you know, as unmet expectations, it's so easy for all of us to expect our partner to be a specific way.
• 24:12
  Michelle Moore: And, you know, I mean, just going into our marriage, and we've talked about this in our podcast of, you know, I expected Daniel to to be this specific way and had no idea.
• 24:23
  Michelle Moore: I mean, he was on a pedestal.
• 24:25
  Michelle Moore: And, you know, I had all these expectations of my second marriage to be like, oh my gosh, loving, you know, best friends.
• 24:34
  Michelle Moore: I would never knock him expect him not to talk to me and you know, to be like this with my children, you know, that I have other children, there's so much more.
• 24:44
  Michelle Moore: But they were my expectations that I was putting on him that I should have never put on him.
• 24:51
  Michelle Moore: And, you know, I mean, even to this day, I mean, I have expectations, but now it's like, are those expectations are they should they even be set?
• 25:01
  Michelle Moore: I mean, if you go into it looking as, you know, I think a marriage should always have expectations individually and as you know, marriage, you know, wise for your spouse where you guys are, you know, serving and stuff like that.
• 25:14
  Michelle Moore: But that's not fair to me to say, Dan, I expect you to go make a hundred and fifty grand.
• 25:19
  Vicky Albious: Right?
• 25:20
  Michelle Moore: Why don't you do that?
• 25:21
  Michelle Moore: That would be great.
• 25:22
  Scottie Albious: I'll work on that.
• 25:22
  Scottie Albious: I thought you already do.
• 25:25
  Michelle Moore: Oh yeah.
• 25:25
  Michelle Moore: Oh, yeah, okay, okay, gotcha.
• 25:27
  Michelle Moore: Oh yeah.
• 25:28
  Michelle Moore: But you know, the expectations of him coming home and cooking supper or cleaning house or the expectations for him to treat me like rub my feet every night, you know, or those those aren't gonna be unmet because those are my expectations.
• 25:42
  Scottie Albious: That's good.
• 25:42
  Michelle Moore: And they're not Daniel's, and you know, we have expectations together as a couple, serve together, you know, serve the Lord with all of our heart, you know, to grow in the Lord.
• 25:53
  Michelle Moore: That's good.
• 25:53
  Michelle Moore: And, you know, to spend, like I said, one Saturday every Saturday.
• 25:58
  Michelle Moore: That's our expectations is we spend it together.
• 26:01
  Michelle Moore: We don't let anything ever come in between that unless it's an absolutely need.
• 26:06
  Scottie Albious: That's good.
• 26:06
  Michelle Moore: Because that's our day.
• 26:09
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 26:09
  Michelle Moore: But you know, that is an expectation that he has to meet.
• 26:12
  Michelle Moore: He doesn't get a choice in that one.
• 26:14
  Michelle Moore: But you know, unmet expect expectations.
• 26:18
  Michelle Moore: A lot of the couples put those on there and they don't even recognize that they've done it.
• 26:21
  Michelle Moore: And once those have happened, they're crushed.
• 26:24
  Michelle Moore: They're hurt by like, you know, and I think, you know, my first marriage, it's like I had these expectations and none of them were met, and I came out.
• 26:32
  Michelle Moore: I I don't even know.
• 26:34
  Michelle Moore: What I I don't even know the word for me when I came out of that marriage.
• 26:38
  Michelle Moore: I was a very plain Jane with no self-controls, no self-confidence, no self-anything.
• 26:44
  Michelle Moore: You were very damaged very because I was hurt in so many ways, you know.
• 26:49
  Michelle Moore: But I was also talked down to.
• 26:51
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, I see.
• 26:52
  Michelle Moore: You know, and I didn't expect any of that.
• 26:54
  Michelle Moore: So I just expect coming in the second marriage that it was going to be this wonderful thing because I married my best friend.
• 26:59
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 27:00
  Michelle Moore: So then I got let down twice.
• 27:02
  Michelle Moore: But the Lord the Lord has always been there and he his expectations.
• 27:08
  Michelle Moore: You know, I should strive for his expectations instead of putting expectations on Daniel.
• 27:15
  Scottie Albious: I I love what you said right there.
• 27:16
  Scottie Albious: And I I caught it first thing, it was really cool.
• 27:18
  Scottie Albious: It didn't work with Michelle's expectation unmet.
• 27:21
  Scottie Albious: God's expectations a lot better.
• 27:24
  Scottie Albious: Oh yeah.
• 27:25
  Scottie Albious: Now they're being met.
• 27:26
  Scottie Albious: You've you're it's it's a diff it's a different perspective.
• 27:28
  Scottie Albious: You're not got you don't have Michelle glasses on, you've got godly glasses on, and now you're a godly wife that will serve a godly man, and you see what he's doing, and you're both serving together to help godly marriages.
• 27:40
  Scottie Albious: You know, it makes a difference.
• 27:41
  Scottie Albious: That's really cool.
• 27:42
  Michelle Moore: And you know, we hear all the time in our marriage 911 the unmet expectations.
• 27:47
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 27:47
  Michelle Moore: And it can really destroy.
• 27:49
  Vicky Albious: Well, and there's too, there's like healthy expectations, yeah.
• 27:51
  Vicky Albious: You know, right.
• 27:52
  Vicky Albious: I expect, you know, that time you're talking about spent together.
• 27:56
  Vicky Albious: I I expect him to treat me well, you know, and things like that.
• 28:00
  Vicky Albious: He's like yes.
• 28:02
  Vicky Albious: But you know, then they is my island queen.
• 28:06
  Vicky Albious: The whitest island queen ever.
• 28:10
  Scottie Albious: I love it.
• 28:11
  Scottie Albious: Red or white, either way, she's my island queen.
• 28:13
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 28:16
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 28:17
  Daniel Moore: So yeah, these unmet expectations, uh, they actually they cause us to interpret words through disappointment and resentment rather than clarity.
• 28:25
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, is what ends up happening.
• 28:27
  Scottie Albious: I think these unmet expectations also put such a false marriage in your mind.
• 28:32
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 28:32
  Scottie Albious: I mean, obviously, you were talking about so you're like, I'm gonna be my best friend.
• 28:35
  Scottie Albious: I'm the same way.
• 28:36
  Scottie Albious: I got married again.
• 28:36
  Scottie Albious: She's my best friend.
• 28:38
  Scottie Albious: We're not gonna have conflict, we're not gonna fight.
• 28:40
  Scottie Albious: It's gonna be perfect.
• 28:41
  Scottie Albious: Well, life happens, you know.
• 28:43
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, we gotta figure out how to meet those conflicts.
• 28:46
  Michelle Moore: Unless you're in a Hallmark story.
• 28:47
  Michelle Moore: Right.
• 28:49
  Scottie Albious: I try not to watch.
• 28:50
  Daniel Moore: Dan's favorite movies.
• 28:51
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, they they bring me down.
• 28:54
  Daniel Moore: I just can't do it.
• 28:56
  Daniel Moore: I'm just like, Michelle, why can't you be like that?
• 29:02
  Scottie Albious: Well, yeah.
• 29:04
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, we've I think that you know, whenever it comes to relationships, we've we've got to be open and we've got to be transparent.
• 29:11
  Daniel Moore: Um there's just a lot of things that and it might be uncomfortable for some people to do that, but when you take on a marriage and you bring that person into your life, you become one, uh that's a requirement.
• 29:26
  Daniel Moore: You know, you you're one in everything.
• 29:29
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 29:30
  Daniel Moore: And that you can't hold have any withholds anywhere.
• 29:33
  Daniel Moore: And whenever you do have those and you don't allow someone to come into your life like they're supposed to be able to, then you're gonna have these issues.
• 29:40
  Daniel Moore: They're gonna come up.
• 29:41
  Michelle Moore: I like what that's gonna be.
• 29:41
  Michelle Moore: That's really good.
• 29:44
  Daniel Moore: So yeah, we've got to be super careful with that.
• 29:46
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 29:46
  Daniel Moore: That's awesome.
• 29:47
  Daniel Moore: So let's look at some common phrases and and what they really mean.
• 29:51
  Daniel Moore: Uh-oh.
• 29:51
  Daniel Moore: So so one phrase we've heard is it's fine.
• 29:55
  Daniel Moore: It's fine.
• 29:55
  Daniel Moore: That means everything's okay.
• 29:56
  Scottie Albious: Move on.
• 29:57
  Scottie Albious: What does that mean?
• 29:58
  Michelle Moore: It's fine.
• 29:58
  Michelle Moore: It's really fine.
• 30:00
  Scottie Albious: That means everything's okay, you can just go watch the game.
• 30:01
  Scottie Albious: It's okay.
• 30:03
  Scottie Albious: I'm really good at these.
• 30:04
  Scottie Albious: Next.
• 30:07
  Daniel Moore: So what do you girls think?
• 30:08
  Daniel Moore: Do you agree with Scottie?
• 30:11
  Michelle Moore: Next question.
• 30:13
  Daniel Moore: Pass.
• 30:14
  Vicky Albious: Does Scottie have to be a part of this book?
• 30:18
  Daniel Moore: I I did agree with you, Scottie.
• 30:20
  Daniel Moore: Okay, thank you.
• 30:21
  Scottie Albious: We gotta go, we gotta hear.
• 30:25
  Daniel Moore: No.
• 30:26
  Daniel Moore: So typically that often means I don't feel safe sharing this right now.
• 30:30
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 30:31
  Daniel Moore: Or I'm hurt but don't know how to say it.
• 30:33
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 30:34
  Daniel Moore: You guys agree with that?
• 30:35
  Michelle Moore: I would say that for sure.
• 30:36
  Michelle Moore: Okay.
• 30:37
  Scottie Albious: I'm glad you said that because honestly, that's eye-opening.
• 30:39
  Scottie Albious: You know what I mean?
• 30:39
  Scottie Albious: Like I I get, but when you put it into words like that in articulate, I'm like, okay, wow, I totally understand.
• 30:45
  Scottie Albious: That's almost like a light bulb, just bing.
• 30:46
  Scottie Albious: Yep.
• 30:47
  Scottie Albious: I'm gonna be honest.
• 30:48
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 30:49
  Vicky Albious: Listen up, man.
• 30:50
  Scottie Albious: I'm taking notes right now, baby.
• 30:53
  Daniel Moore: Well, here's note number two.
• 30:55
  Daniel Moore: You never help.
• 30:59
  Scottie Albious: Oh.
• 31:00
  Daniel Moore: Does that sound familiar?
• 31:01
  Daniel Moore: That one.
• 31:02
  Scottie Albious: Never heard that one before.
• 31:04
  Daniel Moore: As I'm laughing.
• 31:05
  Scottie Albious: What does it mean, Dan?
• 31:06
  Scottie Albious: Please crush me.
• 31:07
  Daniel Moore: Well, from what I've heard, yeah, it means I feel overwhelmed and alone or I need support, not correction.
• 31:13
  Daniel Moore: Oh that's a couple of ways that you can look at that statement.
• 31:17
  Daniel Moore: Scottie likes to correct, so I see what you're saying.
• 31:20
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 31:20
  Daniel Moore: Third one, just do whatever you want.
• 31:24
  Michelle Moore: You do you boo.
• 31:26
  Daniel Moore: Or that version.
• 31:28
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 31:30
  Daniel Moore: I've heard that one before.
• 31:31
  Daniel Moore: You do you boo.
• 31:32
  Daniel Moore: I like that.
• 31:33
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 31:35
  Daniel Moore: So that one.
• 31:36
  Daniel Moore: What does that mean?
• 31:36
  Daniel Moore: I feel dismissed, or I don't feel like my opinion matters.
• 31:42
  Michelle Moore: But when I say you do you boo, I don't know.
• 31:45
  Michelle Moore: That that's not really You're joking when you say that.
• 31:48
  Scottie Albious: I don't think Vicky's ever called me boo.
• 31:50
  Scottie Albious: I'd like for her to, but she refuses to.
• 31:52
  Scottie Albious: I don't know why.
• 31:53
  Vicky Albious: She tries to call me boo, and I'm like, uh-uh.
• 31:55
  Scottie Albious: We booed up for a reason, baby.
• 31:59
  Daniel Moore: Still.
• 32:01
  Vicky Albious: No.
• 32:02
  Daniel Moore: I'll think about that every time Michelle says.
• 32:04
  Daniel Moore: Yes, sir.
• 32:05
  Daniel Moore: You booed up, it's all good.
• 32:08
  Michelle Moore: Oh my gosh, people listening to this are gonna be like, who are they?
• 32:11
  Michelle Moore: They're crazy.
• 32:12
  Michelle Moore: This is hilarious.
• 32:15
  Daniel Moore: So sometimes we communicate by not saying nothing.
• 32:19
  Daniel Moore: Pure silence.
• 32:21
  Daniel Moore: So whenever that happens, there's a couple of things that can mean.
• 32:26
  Daniel Moore: It can mean I'm processing or I'm afraid this is gonna turn into a fight.
• 32:31
  Michelle Moore: That's really good.
• 32:32
  Michelle Moore: I I like that.
• 32:33
  Daniel Moore: And I've been there because I did not want to fight.
• 32:35
  Daniel Moore: I did not want a conflict.
• 32:37
  Daniel Moore: And as Michelle said earlier, when we was early in our relationship, um, if I didn't want to go down that road, then I would try my best to change the subject and move on away from it and try to, oh, we'll talk about this later, but never come back to it.
• 32:51
  Daniel Moore: You know, uh, there's a a lot of different ways that you can uh communicate with silence towards an issue.
• 32:58
  Michelle Moore: And the reason why I said I like that is because I like the meanings that that you just said.
• 33:04
  Michelle Moore: I mean, because a lot of times when it's silence, a lot of people don't, you know, they don't recognize that people are processing.
• 33:11
  Michelle Moore: You know, they're just like they're ignoring me.
• 33:14
  Scottie Albious: And you know what?
• 33:15
  Scottie Albious: I agree.
• 33:16
  Michelle Moore: They're gonna think whatever they want to think, you know.
• 33:18
  Michelle Moore: But I mean, honestly, a lot of people do have to process it.
• 33:22
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 33:22
  Daniel Moore: So and another one here, Scottie, this one's gonna really trigger you, I think.
• 33:28
  Daniel Moore: There you go.
• 33:28
  Daniel Moore: Okay, yeah.
• 33:29
  Daniel Moore: As as guys, it's really triggering we need to talk.
• 33:33
  Daniel Moore: Oh.
• 33:33
  Daniel Moore: That's a rough one.
• 33:35
  Daniel Moore: Anytime I hear that, I'm like, uh oh, what did I do?
• 33:38
  Daniel Moore: I screwed up.
• 33:40
  Daniel Moore: I did something wrong.
• 33:42
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, I hear I did something incredible, and she wants to celebrate that.
• 33:46
  Scottie Albious: I guess I I'm just she's glaring at me.
• 33:50
  Daniel Moore: I'm the guy half glass half-empty guy, aren't I?
• 33:52
  Daniel Moore: Is that what it is?
• 33:54
  Michelle Moore: That's domestic.
• 33:55
  Michelle Moore: Yes.
• 33:56
  Scottie Albious: Uh I gotta change my outlook.
• 33:58
  Scottie Albious: So when she says, I'm like, what did what good did I do today?
• 34:03
  Scottie Albious: Please tell me.
• 34:04
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 34:04
  Scottie Albious: Enlighten me.
• 34:05
  Daniel Moore: Let's celebrate me.
• 34:06
  Daniel Moore: Well, you know what you're supposed to say when that when she says that.
• 34:09
  Daniel Moore: You're supposed to say, okay, I'm listening.
• 34:11
  Daniel Moore: Yes, ma'am.
• 34:11
  Daniel Moore: Yep.
• 34:12
  Daniel Moore: What is it?
• 34:13
  Daniel Moore: Uh but that usually means something has been weighing on me and I need connection, not conflict.
• 34:20
  Daniel Moore: Wow.
• 34:20
  Daniel Moore: Is what that one means.
• 34:22
  Daniel Moore: But it can also mean other things if it's in a bad situation.
• 34:26
  Daniel Moore: That's for sure.
• 34:27
  Daniel Moore: Those are really good, man.
• 34:29
  Daniel Moore: I'm being serious.
• 34:30
  Daniel Moore: I I I like those a lot.
• 34:31
  Michelle Moore: Those are good.
• 34:32
  Daniel Moore: Here's another good one.
• 34:33
  Daniel Moore: It's not a big deal.
• 34:35
  Daniel Moore: Oh.
• 34:36
  Daniel Moore: I've heard that one a few times.
• 34:38
  Daniel Moore: Not a big deal.
• 34:39
  Michelle Moore: In my past.
• 34:40
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 34:40
  Daniel Moore: That usually means it's actually a big deal, but I don't want another argument.
• 34:45
  Daniel Moore: That's usually what that one means.
• 34:48
  Daniel Moore: But our healthy response to that is if if it matters to you, it matters to me.
• 34:52
  Scottie Albious: That's right.
• 34:53
  Daniel Moore: I like that.
• 34:53
  Daniel Moore: And that's a way good response to that one.
• 34:56
  Scottie Albious: And you know, some of these responses I think um is a way for like, okay, I I think of when I've responded with those, it's a way of me saying, I don't want to hurt you by getting in a fight.
• 35:07
  Scottie Albious: Mm-hmm.
• 35:07
  Scottie Albious: Doesn't make sense.
• 35:08
  Scottie Albious: But that's not that's not the answer.
• 35:10
  Scottie Albious: I'm just saying, because whenever you're reading those to me, I'm like, wow, that gives me a different perspective on how to respond instead of silence or instead of joking.
• 35:19
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 35:20
  Scottie Albious: Because I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt my wife at the same time.
• 35:24
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 35:24
  Scottie Albious: Those are good ways to respond, you know.
• 35:26
  Scottie Albious: But that's why I said those are really good to understand what they really mean.
• 35:30
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 35:31
  Daniel Moore: I mean, you can Google some of the you get tons of these phrases if you Google it because I think we utilize a lot of this type of talk in our communication a lot more than we think we do.
• 35:40
  Scottie Albious: We do.
• 35:41
  Scottie Albious: I'm saying, even though we're life, you know, we're we're we're lightheartedly joking, it's yeah, it's serious, it's good stuff.
• 35:46
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, it really is.
• 35:47
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and I I do, I th I agree with you.
• 35:49
  Daniel Moore: I think a lot of times when we use these in a conflictive situation, it's because we're trying to escape the the consequences of that conversation without you know hurting the other too brutal.
• 36:00
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 36:01
  Daniel Moore: Uh but a lot of times that you know those conflicts and stuff, we actually need to run into those.
• 36:06
  Scottie Albious: And can I say something real quick about conflict?
• 36:08
  Scottie Albious: I think I'm speaking for men because I I struggled with it because I think it's conflict as there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable.
• 36:16
  Scottie Albious: Right.
• 36:17
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 36:18
  Scottie Albious: Weakness is is there's nothing vulnerability is not weakness, it's it's like I said earlier, it's wisdom.
• 36:24
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 36:24
  Scottie Albious: And and who else knows how to read our vulnerability than our wives?
• 36:29
  Scottie Albious: They know our hearts.
• 36:29
  Scottie Albious: You know what I mean?
• 36:30
  Scottie Albious: They want to know our hearts.
• 36:31
  Scottie Albious: So if we're trying to seal that up and not share that, well, that's not being intimate.
• 36:36
  Scottie Albious: That's not that's not the intimacy that you're supposed to be having in marriage, which is very vital.
• 36:41
  Scottie Albious: And I say that because I've had to learn to share my heart, which my wife wants to know in those places.
• 37:10
  Daniel Moore: Is, you know, a lot of times, especially as guys, you know, we was talking a little bit earlier.
• 37:14
  Daniel Moore: I think we might have been off the mic when we was talking about it, but uh we was talking about how guys sometimes feel like we're losing our man card.
• 37:21
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 37:22
  Daniel Moore: If we give in, you know, and give in to the spouse and that kind of thing.
• 37:26
  Daniel Moore: Because that's that's kind of a society type of thing.
• 37:28
  Daniel Moore: Uh, but in all reality, validation is not agreement.
• 37:33
  Daniel Moore: Uh it does not mean that.
• 37:35
  Daniel Moore: It means acknowledging and honoring our spouse's emotional experience without endorsing their perspective or conclusions.
• 37:41
  Daniel Moore: Um that validation says, I see this as real and painful for you.
• 37:45
  Daniel Moore: It doesn't say that you're right and I'm wrong.
• 37:48
  Daniel Moore: It communicates understanding and respect, which helps the spouse feel safe enough to stay engaged rather than becoming defensive or shut down.
• 37:55
  Daniel Moore: And I like that because a lot of times it even in forgiveness, you'll hear this conversation take place sometimes.
• 38:03
  Daniel Moore: Somebody else says, I can't believe you forgave that person.
• 38:06
  Daniel Moore: That just more or less says that it's okay that they did that to you.
• 38:10
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 38:10
  Daniel Moore: And it's like, no, that's not really what that means.
• 38:13
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 38:13
  Daniel Moore: It's not the same thing.
• 38:14
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 38:15
  Daniel Moore: You know, and whenever we forgive someone, you know, more often than not, of course, that forgiveness is more for us than it is for anybody.
• 38:22
  Daniel Moore: Uh, but basically, that's us being who God's called us to be.
• 38:28
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 38:29
  Daniel Moore: Okay.
• 38:29
  Daniel Moore: And if we go into this with the prideful look and the prideful manner, I'm going to get what I want.
• 38:35
  Daniel Moore: Yep.
• 38:35
  Daniel Moore: I'm going to get the satisfaction of me winning this fight.
• 38:39
  Daniel Moore: Um, that's the person that's unforgiving.
• 38:42
  Daniel Moore: If they're not going to forgive someone, then that means they're still stuck on the fact that I'm going to win this battle someday.
• 38:47
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 38:47
  Daniel Moore: I was done wrong and they're going to know it, they're going to pay for it.
• 38:51
  Daniel Moore: And that's not Jesus.
• 38:53
  Daniel Moore: That's that's not who Jesus taught us to be.
• 38:55
  Daniel Moore: And so we have to get that out of our minds that if we do get into conflict or an argument with our spouse, just because we give in to them, uh, you know, there's you got to look at that.
• 39:06
  Daniel Moore: There's a difference between validation and agreeing and all those different things, understanding and surrender.
• 39:11
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 39:11
  Daniel Moore: Uh, there's a lot of things that goes into all of that.
• 39:15
  Daniel Moore: Uh we got to take ourselves out of that equation.
• 39:18
  Daniel Moore: Right, right.
• 39:18
  Daniel Moore: You know, we we got to look at it that we are more concerned about how our relationship functions and where our relationship goes from here forward.
• 39:26
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 39:26
  Daniel Moore: Uh, we've got to look at all of that.
• 39:28
  Daniel Moore: That's what needs to be our heart's desire.
• 39:30
  Scottie Albious: I'm so glad you said that because I think about and we've we've we've studied it and we've talked about it before.
• 39:35
  Scottie Albious: Um, you know, when it comes to conflict, when it comes to talking back and forth, communicating.
• 39:39
  Scottie Albious: And if you've got the mindset like most of us, especially us, we don't want to give in to our vulnerability, or we don't want to say, I'm not gonna give up unless you give up.
• 39:47
  Scottie Albious: I'm not putting in my part until you put in your part.
• 39:50
  Scottie Albious: You know what that is?
• 39:50
  Scottie Albious: That's a contract marriage.
• 39:52
  Scottie Albious: Right.
• 39:52
  Scottie Albious: Covenant marriage says, I'm gonna do what it is regardless to keep you protected.
• 39:57
  Scottie Albious: Through thick and thin.
• 39:58
  Scottie Albious: Through thick and thin.
• 39:59
  Scottie Albious: That's what a covenant marriage is.
• 40:00
  Scottie Albious: And then, you know, we talked about it before, and those are the differences.
• 40:03
  Daniel Moore: So Yeah, that's awesome.
• 40:05
  Daniel Moore: Uh it it reminds me of uh the story of the woman at the well when Jesus, you know, met with her.
• 40:13
  Daniel Moore: He knew all of her sins, he knew everything that she was participating in.
• 40:17
  Daniel Moore: But what's interesting about that story, you know, us, if we were were in that situation, I know for myself especially because I grew up in a very legalistic background that's very judgmental.
• 40:29
  Daniel Moore: So back in the day, my first thing would have been if I came up to someone like that, I would have wanted to attack the sins right off the bat.
• 40:36
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 40:37
  Daniel Moore: It's like, well, you need to fix this and this and this because you're going to hell.
• 40:39
  Daniel Moore: And you know, it's just all this stuff would have came out of my mouth.
• 40:42
  Daniel Moore: And Jesus didn't, that wasn't his example.
• 40:45
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 40:45
  Daniel Moore: He came up to her and he got into her heart first.
• 40:49
  Daniel Moore: And he won he he wanted to show her where her heart condition was at and what could fix that.
• 40:55
  Daniel Moore: That's good.
• 40:55
  Daniel Moore: That was Jesus.
• 40:56
  Daniel Moore: He was the answer for all of that, and in the midst of all of that stuff, the conviction came up on her of the sins that she was partaking in.
• 41:04
  Daniel Moore: And Jesus just told her, just you're saved, you're, you know, your sins are forgiven, go and sin no more.
• 41:09
  Daniel Moore: That's good.
• 41:09
  Daniel Moore: You know, don't do that anymore.
• 41:11
  Daniel Moore: And we have to go into our relationships the same way.
• 41:15
  Scottie Albious: Well, think about another covenant love.
• 41:17
  Scottie Albious: Jesus said, Despite your errors, despite all this, I'm gonna lay my pride down, even my life, you know, despite all that, and then we're gonna, you know, and you will be saved.
• 41:25
  Scottie Albious: And I think about our marriages too.
• 41:28
  Scottie Albious: Men, despite our pride, despite what we might think is weak, it's actually strong if we're vulnerable with our wives.
• 41:34
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 41:35
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 41:35
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, there's there's such a there's a deeper thing there that we have to strive for.
• 41:40
  Daniel Moore: Yes.
• 41:40
  Daniel Moore: It's marriage isn't easy.
• 41:42
  Daniel Moore: No, it's a lot of work, it's work from day one, but it's up to us on how that how we look at that.
• 41:50
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 41:50
  Daniel Moore: You know, we can hate our job or we can love our job, basically.
• 41:54
  Daniel Moore: Marriage is the same way.
• 41:56
  Daniel Moore: Marriage is work also, but we can love the work we put into it or we can hate the work that we put into it.
• 42:00
  Daniel Moore: You're right.
• 42:01
  Daniel Moore: It comes back to us.
• 42:02
  Daniel Moore: That's our that's the reflection of our heart and how we are bought into this relationship that God's given us.
• 42:08
  Daniel Moore: Yes.
• 42:08
  Daniel Moore: And nobody can blame their bad relationship or their bad marriage on anybody else but themselves.
• 42:14
  Daniel Moore: Because when it comes down to it at the end of the day, uh it's up to the two people in that relationship to make sure that everything's working and that everything's fine.
• 42:22
  Scottie Albious: I love it.
• 42:23
  Daniel Moore: And between them and God.
• 42:24
  Daniel Moore: Yes.
• 42:25
  Daniel Moore: And I I strongly feel that, you know, there are a lot of uh married couples out there that don't have God in their relationship that seem to have pretty good marriages and probably do have pretty good marriages.
• 42:37
  Daniel Moore: But I see more often than not, though, when God's in the middle of all that, there's so much more blessing, uh, there's so much more love and and forgiveness and grace.
• 42:46
  Daniel Moore: You just you see that stuff radiate out of those relationships.
• 42:50
  Daniel Moore: Right, right.
• 42:50
  Daniel Moore: And they're so much stronger, and they fulfill that function that God's given us as married couples to be a testimony.
• 42:57
  Daniel Moore: That's good.
• 42:58
  Daniel Moore: And so, you know, another thing that that Jesus did a lot of times is uh he would listen, he would ask a lot of questions, uh, you know, he he it to Jesus it was all about the heart posture.
• 43:13
  Daniel Moore: It was all about you know getting into the very being in the core of who that person was.
• 43:18
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 43:19
  Daniel Moore: Not to judge the superficial outside of what we what he's seen.
• 43:22
  Daniel Moore: Um, you know, he was more after the heart.
• 43:25
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 43:26
  Daniel Moore: And I I always like to think about that too, because you know, with Michelle and I in our relationship, uh one of the big things now, anytime we get into a conversation, whether if it's just a small argument or a disagreement, whatever it may be, I always want to look at her through God's eyes and look at her through God's heart through Jesus' heart.
• 43:43
  Daniel Moore: And, you know, I'd say, Jesus, show me who she is through you.
• 43:47
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 43:47
  Daniel Moore: That's a whole different lens at that point.
• 43:50
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 43:51
  Daniel Moore: I see her.
• 43:52
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, that's good.
• 43:53
  Daniel Moore: So as we wrap up this week, there's a few things that you can can put into play, and we'll Run through these here.
• 44:01
  Daniel Moore: You can ask curious questions like, can you tell me more or what made that feel so frustrating?
• 44:07
  Daniel Moore: Watch body language and tone.
• 44:09
  Daniel Moore: You know, we can all vouch that nonverbal cues often speak louder than words.
• 44:14
  Daniel Moore: I mean, Michelle can shoot daggers sometimes just by looking at me, you know, and I can do the same thing to her.
• 44:19
  Daniel Moore: And we don't have to say a word to each other, but we can tear each other down.
• 44:24
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 44:25
  Daniel Moore: We talked about this in one of our con our uh episodes here a while back.
• 44:29
  Daniel Moore: Uh there's a a little thing that you can do if you sit at a table, try to carry on a conversation with just body language.
• 44:36
  Daniel Moore: You you can literally carry a conversation by just doing that.
• 44:40
  Daniel Moore: Wow.
• 44:41
  Daniel Moore: Uh believe it or not, you can have a pretty good conversation doing that.
• 44:44
  Daniel Moore: And I think a lot of people don't realize that you don't have to speak.
• 44:47
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 44:48
  Daniel Moore: There's so much more to com communication than just opening your mouth, uh, crossed arms, silence, raised voice, withdrawal, rolling your eyes, all of that stuff says something.
• 44:58
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 44:58
  Daniel Moore: And it's not good.
• 44:59
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 45:00
  Daniel Moore: So we have to refrain from that.
• 45:01
  Daniel Moore: Name the emotion.
• 45:03
  Daniel Moore: Uh name it, you know, call that hurt, that fear, that disappointment, that insecurity.
• 45:08
  Daniel Moore: Uh naming those emotions reduces intensity.
• 45:11
  Daniel Moore: Like, explain that.
• 45:13
  Daniel Moore: Uh so basically, we've talked about it a little bit here uh through our last through both of these episodes, basically, but when we come up and we say, well, when that happened, I felt uh hurt in that situation, or that created a fear inside of me when that took place.
• 45:31
  Daniel Moore: So I'm trying to understand where we're going, where you're going with that.
• 45:35
  Daniel Moore: You know, uh, I was disappointed if you communicate with it that way instead of pointing fingers.
• 45:43
  Scottie Albious: And I'm gonna be honest, doing that takes practice.
• 45:45
  Scottie Albious: It does.
• 45:45
  Scottie Albious: It does.
• 45:46
  Scottie Albious: It it's tough to say, but it really does.
• 45:48
  Scottie Albious: I know it sounds weird, but you know, from my perspective as a man, I don't want to give up that pride, so it takes practice like I feel this is how I felt.
• 45:56
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 45:56
  Scottie Albious: Us men we don't want to talk about our feelings, you know.
• 45:59
  Scottie Albious: Not at all.
• 46:00
  Scottie Albious: That takes practice.
• 46:01
  Scottie Albious: That's good.
• 46:02
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, but when you name that, don't you see how that uh conversation flows so much easier?
• 46:09
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 46:10
  Daniel Moore: Because that then invites your spouse into your conversation at that point to try to come to a resolution of why that happened, why I felt that way.
• 46:21
  Daniel Moore: Now here's how we need to fix this between the two of us.
• 46:23
  Daniel Moore: And it does that without pointing fingers and being judgmental to make that heart shut down.
• 46:28
  Daniel Moore: That's good.
• 46:28
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 46:29
  Daniel Moore: Because we all we always have to keep our hearts open.
• 46:31
  Daniel Moore: If we get to the point where our hearts shut down, we're in trouble.
• 46:33
  Daniel Moore: Because there's no way getting in at that point.
• 46:36
  Daniel Moore: And so naming those emotions and doing it the right way is a good source of healing in our communication.
• 46:45
  Daniel Moore: Now, when emotional sub subtext is ignored, what happens over time is resentment builds, emotional distance grows, conversations feel unsafe.
• 46:54
  Daniel Moore: I think we've probably all been there at some point.
• 46:57
  Daniel Moore: I know Michelle and I went through a lot of that uh for some time there where we really couldn't communicate very well at all.
• 47:05
  Daniel Moore: And especially if we did, it seems like we hurt each other more than we built each other up a lot of times.
• 47:11
  Daniel Moore: And that's a dangerous place to be because you're married just going down the tubes at that point when all that stuff's taking place.
• 47:17
  Daniel Moore: Trust is lost, yeah.
• 47:18
  Daniel Moore: And it's hard hard to regain that back.
• 47:21
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 47:21
  Daniel Moore: So but there's redemption through grace.
• 47:24
  Daniel Moore: Yes, God restores connection through humility, again, getting rid of that pride, shedding that pride off of us.
• 47:31
  Daniel Moore: And small changes lead to big healing.
• 47:34
  Daniel Moore: It's the the same concept as those little foxes spoiling the vine, is the opposite of that.
• 47:40
  Daniel Moore: Uh, those little foxes will destroy anything over time, and on the opposite side, it takes small changes to get to the big healing.
• 47:48
  Daniel Moore: I think we talked about that I think in the last episode a little bit.
• 47:52
  Daniel Moore: You can't just attack the big problem all at once and expect to fix it overnight.
• 47:56
  Vicky Albious: Right, right.
• 47:57
  Daniel Moore: Um, we have to attack that the same way that it was damaged.
• 48:01
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 48:01
  Daniel Moore: So you guys have anything that you'd like to add into any of that?
• 48:06
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, I think, you know, one definitely you you mentioned it w it takes work, and I don't say that lightly.
• 48:11
  Scottie Albious: It literally takes work whether you're explaining your feelings to your wife, you're you're you're sharing things, you're you're explaining you know, expectations or this is what I think, you know, even if they're they're they're unmet expectations, you're still communicating those things to where she can respond and then just sit back and and process it.
• 48:32
  Scottie Albious: And and even if you're saying that, well, we don't really have much issues with that in our marriage, you know, fix those things now before it gets worse down the road, and then you're gonna have to start repairing.
• 48:43
  Scottie Albious: Yeah.
• 48:44
  Scottie Albious: Start the healing process now, you know.
• 48:46
  Scottie Albious: And that's why we want to do with you guys marriage conferences, because like there were little things that were, you know, in our marriages, blending families, things like we talked about, but you know, there were things in our marriage that was great, but we still needed to learn.
• 49:02
  Scottie Albious: We still needed to so that way we knew how to come together and fix it.
• 49:06
  Scottie Albious: And that's probably why we're leading marriage ministries, honestly, and the Lord's using that.
• 49:11
  Scottie Albious: And you know, I I think think of it as an honor because it's not that we're pointing fingers, we're pointing fingers to us.
• 49:17
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, this is what happened to us.
• 49:18
  Scottie Albious: Yeah, yeah, this is how God healed this.
• 49:21
  Scottie Albious: Whether you're doing the work, you guys know whether you're doing the work at home and allowing the Holy Spirit to heal you in those areas, that's up to you.
• 49:28
  Scottie Albious: But this is what we did wrong, yeah.
• 49:30
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, when we're pointing at people, there's three pointing back at us.
• 49:33
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 49:33
  Daniel Moore: Always remember that.
• 49:34
  Daniel Moore: That's right.
• 49:35
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, it's that's a very true statement for sure.
• 49:39
  Daniel Moore: Well, we'll go ahead and and wrap this one up for this week.
• 49:43
  Daniel Moore: And as we wrap up this week, we hope that this episode reminds you that communication in marriage is about more than just words, it's about understanding the heart behind them.
• 49:53
  Daniel Moore: You know, so often what our spouse is really saying is, I need to be heard, I need to feel safe, or I need to know that you're with me.
• 50:00
  Daniel Moore: When we slow down, listen without defending ourselves, and seek understanding before responding, we create space for that deeper connection.
• 50:07
  Daniel Moore: You know, Proverbs 1813 tells us that answering before listening is foolish.
• 50:11
  Daniel Moore: Michelle shared that scripture earlier.
• 50:14
  Daniel Moore: But when we choose to listen well, we honor both our spouse and the God who designed marriage.
• 50:20
  Daniel Moore: So this week, as we leave, we encourage you to listen a little longer, ask one more clarifying question, and assume the best about your spouse's heart.
• 50:28
  Daniel Moore: You might be surprised at how much understanding changes that conversation.
• 50:32
  Daniel Moore: So thank you guys again for being here for another episode.
• 50:36
  Daniel Moore: We appreciate that.
• 50:37
  Daniel Moore: I've really enjoyed this one.
• 50:39
  Daniel Moore: Uh, this is a good one.
• 50:40
  Daniel Moore: Gonna go ahead and call it good for this week.
• 50:43
  Daniel Moore: And as we go, we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode.
• 50:49
  Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.