Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #902 Our Top 5 Episodes of 2023
Transcript
- 0:03Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
- 0:05Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
- 0:09Speaker 2: once answers.
- 0:10Speaker 3: Now, it's been a really big year on the Happy
- 0:12Speaker 3: Families podcast. As we move towards a conclusion for the year,
- 0:15Speaker 3: we thought that it might be interesting to have a
- 0:18Speaker 3: look at our biggest podcast of the year, Kylie. Number
- 0:22Speaker 3: of downloads this year approximately, did I tell you four million?
- 0:25Speaker 2: Yeah?
- 0:25Speaker 3: Actually it's higher. Wow, We're not for four point five
- 0:28Speaker 3: million downloads for the year. That's why we're celebrating, I
- 0:31Speaker 3: think so. I mean, if you do the maths on that,
- 0:33Speaker 3: let's say it's close en up to five million, five
- 0:35Speaker 3: million across fifty weeks. It's one hundred thousand downloads a week.
- 0:38Speaker 3: It's a lot of downloads. We're talking about lots and
- 0:40Speaker 3: lots of people listening to the podcast, which means we're
- 0:42Speaker 3: adding value to people's lives. Today, we wanted to talk
- 0:45Speaker 3: to you about the most value adding podcasts we've done
- 0:49Speaker 3: all year. That is the podcast that you listen to
- 0:51Speaker 3: the most because obviously they made the biggest impact, the
- 0:53Speaker 3: biggest difference, the biggest change in your family. So we're
- 0:57Speaker 3: going to count down five four three two one our
- 0:59Speaker 3: fifth most listened to podcast this year.
- 1:02Speaker 2: Was number seven hundred and six was a review of
- 1:06Speaker 2: gentle Parenting. You had a conversation with doctor Mona Dellahook.
- 1:09Speaker 3: Yeah, we talked about what gentle parenting is. She actually
- 1:12Speaker 3: doesn't like the term gentle parenting. It's not very well defined,
- 1:15Speaker 3: so she calls it responsive parenting. And I really liked
- 1:19Speaker 3: what she said here.
- 1:21Speaker 1: When certain people heard the word gentle parenting. And it's
- 1:25Speaker 1: not just my book. There's been quite a few books
- 1:27Speaker 1: in the last you know, five or so years on
- 1:32Speaker 1: this kind of new way of parenting as opposed to
- 1:35Speaker 1: maybe what we would think about as traditional parenting. Right,
- 1:38Speaker 1: so we might think of traditional parenting as more authoritarian,
- 1:45Speaker 1: and that would include maybe the parents as the ultimate experts,
- 1:50Speaker 1: and it might include punishments or rewards, but it would
- 1:56Speaker 1: kind of focus on behaviors, on surface behaviors, and parents
- 2:01Speaker 1: kind of judging behaviors is good or bad and then
- 2:03Speaker 1: having a certain response to those behaviors. And so the
- 2:08Speaker 1: word gentle parenting really doesn't describe a certain parenting style.
- 2:13Speaker 1: I think it's more of a catch all phrase for
- 2:15Speaker 1: this new type of parenting. And as you know, coming
- 2:19Speaker 1: out of the positive psychology movement in the nineteen nineties,
- 2:23Speaker 1: positive parenting has come on board, and that is, I
- 2:27Speaker 1: think a reaction that parents have to maybe the way
- 2:31Speaker 1: they were raised or their grandparents were raised right, which
- 2:35Speaker 1: wasn't very steeped in a knowledge of child development and
- 2:40Speaker 1: emotional literacy and all that good stuff. One article that
- 2:44Speaker 1: was written about gentle parenting said something like, so are
- 2:49Speaker 1: these gentle parents never saying no? And are these gentle
- 2:53Speaker 1: parents letting their kids throw rocks at cars as they
- 2:56Speaker 1: drive by? You know? And there is I think this
- 3:00Speaker 1: this conception that gentle parenting is parenting that is coddling
- 3:07Speaker 1: or never or doesn't have any sort of boundaries, and
- 3:10Speaker 1: that's really not the case. But people I think who
- 3:16Speaker 1: are concerned that parenting approaches don't have a level of
- 3:20Speaker 1: boundaries and parents as the guide and as the authority,
- 3:24Speaker 1: mistake that word. So it's not coddling in my opinion.
- 3:28Speaker 1: And the research that I'm particularly interested in and wrote
- 3:34Speaker 1: my book about is actually i sub a topic of
- 3:38Speaker 1: gentle parenting, which is responsive parenting that's linked in the
- 3:42Speaker 1: literature to a lot of great things, a lot of
- 3:45Speaker 1: great pieces of development, especially resilience.
- 3:49Speaker 2: You also touched on the math of gentle parenting taking
- 3:51Speaker 2: more time than normal parenting.
- 3:54Speaker 1: This doesn't necessarily take longer once you get into the
- 3:58Speaker 1: hang of it. It actually helps children develop more cooperation.
- 4:04Speaker 1: So while it sounds like labor intensive in the beginning,
- 4:08Speaker 1: the main thing is our mind shift. Because when a
- 4:12Speaker 1: child sees a soft look on your face when they're
- 4:15Speaker 1: refusing to put their shoes and socks on, and they
- 4:18Speaker 1: see you go from saying hurry up, we gotta go
- 4:21Speaker 1: out the door where you're gonna be late to school,
- 4:24Speaker 1: to oh, sweetheart, these getting these shoes and socks on,
- 4:28Speaker 1: and then now we got to we're rushing so fast,
- 4:32Speaker 1: mommy or daddy. I'm being really really rough right now.
- 4:37Speaker 1: I'm really kind of yelling and I'm upset. You know what,
- 4:41Speaker 1: Let's slow things down for a second and then look
- 4:43Speaker 1: at them with care and concern. It's amazing how that
- 4:48Speaker 1: emotional contagion of calmness helps children calm. So it's not
- 4:53Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily take more time, but I think it also
- 4:57Speaker 1: takes a mind shift.
- 4:59Speaker 3: That was episodes seven hundred and six, a review of
- 5:01Speaker 3: gentle Parenting with doctor Mona Dellahook and the fifth most
- 5:05Speaker 3: listened to podcast episode of our entire year, Our number four.
- 5:10Speaker 2: Was all about family a goal setting.
- 5:13Speaker 3: Who would have thought goal setting was that cool that
- 5:15Speaker 3: everybody wanted to listen to podcast episodes About that, we shared.
- 5:19Speaker 2: Some personal insights into our girls and their idea of
- 5:23Speaker 2: setting goals to start running and increase their fitness at
- 5:28Speaker 2: the start of the year.
- 5:29Speaker 3: It started, well, I've got to say we didn't follow
- 5:32Speaker 3: up as well as we probably should have, and well,
- 5:35Speaker 3: the best way to set goals is to start from
- 5:36Speaker 3: the bottom up, and I want to share a clip
- 5:39Speaker 3: from that in just a sec. There's also going to
- 5:41Speaker 3: be follow up, and we didn't talk much about follow
- 5:43Speaker 3: up because well, we didn't do a.
- 5:45Speaker 4: Lot of follow up.
- 5:45Speaker 3: But we are seeing progress and I'm excited to use
- 5:49Speaker 3: what we talked about in episode six seventy three about
- 5:51Speaker 3: film goal setting to recalibrate for twenty twenty four.
- 5:55Speaker 4: His what we had to say about.
- 5:56Speaker 3: This family goals start best bottom up, and I think
- 6:03Speaker 3: the best way to get a bottom up conversation going
- 6:05Speaker 3: about goals is to sit down with the kids and
- 6:07Speaker 3: have one of those family meetings. We've talked about it
- 6:09Speaker 3: so many times on the podcast. We ask three questions
- 6:12Speaker 3: what's going great, what's not going so well? What should
- 6:14Speaker 3: we focus on? And just by asking those three questions,
- 6:17Speaker 3: you're basically saying to the kids, all right, we're doing
- 6:18Speaker 3: a whole lot of stuff really well, handful of things
- 6:21Speaker 3: that we can improve on. If we were to improve
- 6:23Speaker 3: on one or two of those things, what would they be.
- 6:26Speaker 3: And that's essentially where we've come to with our kids'
- 6:28Speaker 3: fitness goals. They've decided that health and fitness needs to
- 6:31Speaker 3: be a higher priority. I asked them what they wanted
- 6:34Speaker 3: in terms of their goals. They want to be able
- 6:36Speaker 3: to run five k's in less than thirty minutes, and
- 6:39Speaker 3: so now we're creating a system around that to get
- 6:42Speaker 3: to that goal.
- 6:43Speaker 4: And that's pretty much it.
- 6:45Speaker 3: Kylie, what else would you add to a conversation about
- 6:48Speaker 3: how to set family goals other than saying, hey, kids,
- 6:50Speaker 3: what do you think? And then how do we set
- 6:51Speaker 3: up a system around that?
- 6:52Speaker 2: I think one of the most important things when it
- 6:54Speaker 2: comes to goal setting is there needs to be accountability.
- 6:57Speaker 2: There needs to be check in points or else where.
- 7:02Speaker 2: Just having a conversation about something that we'd like to
- 7:04Speaker 2: see happen, but that there isn't any intention set on
- 7:08Speaker 2: how we can record progress, how we can actually acknowledge progress.
- 7:13Speaker 2: And without the recognition of progress, it's really hard for
- 7:17Speaker 2: motivation to stay high and for our desires to continue
- 7:22Speaker 2: to improve. The podcast that comes in at number three
- 7:26Speaker 2: was six hundred and seventy four and it was all
- 7:29Speaker 2: about the power of habits.
- 7:30Speaker 3: Yeah, so we were talking about the twenty mile March,
- 7:32Speaker 3: the habit that you can create every day that will
- 7:35Speaker 3: help to make you a better parent.
- 7:40Speaker 2: Honestly, when you say it, it seems like it's too easy.
- 7:45Speaker 2: It actually seems like it's too easy, and therefore it's
- 7:48Speaker 2: not going to work.
- 7:49Speaker 3: It's kind of like writing a book. Though. If I
- 7:50Speaker 3: get up every day and I write a certain number
- 7:52Speaker 3: of words, within a couple of months, the book is written.
- 7:56Speaker 3: I've got to do all the research, I've got to
- 7:57Speaker 3: do all the planning, but just writing those words every
- 8:01Speaker 3: day and suddenly you've written a book, an entire book
- 8:04Speaker 3: that you've written.
- 8:05Speaker 4: It's phenomenal.
- 8:06Speaker 3: How that works. Parenting's the same. It's just that the
- 8:08Speaker 3: metrics aren't quite as obvious. Like you can't get up
- 8:11Speaker 3: and run five k's every day and say, all right,
- 8:13Speaker 3: I'm going to be a good parent because I ran
- 8:14Speaker 3: my five k's, but that five K run metaphorically is
- 8:18Speaker 3: when the kids are angry, I don't shout, or when
- 8:22Speaker 3: I need to.
- 8:22Speaker 4: Talk to my children, I walk into.
- 8:24Speaker 3: The room and I meet their eyes, or I mean,
- 8:28Speaker 3: pick your thing, whatever it is that you want to change,
- 8:31Speaker 3: It's about getting it right today, but also tomorrow and
- 8:34Speaker 3: also the day after, and getting it right every single
- 8:37Speaker 3: flipping day for twenty years until they finally are adults
- 8:40Speaker 3: and you've gotten to write consistently. Is that ongoing investment,
- 8:43Speaker 3: creating the habit. That's how we make our families function.
- 8:47Speaker 3: That's how we become better parents. I really really like
- 8:51Speaker 3: that episode. I think there's so much there as families
- 8:54Speaker 3: try to get things together and make things work.
- 9:00Speaker 2: Number two, We're getting close. Number two was all about
- 9:04Speaker 2: managing fatigue.
- 9:05Speaker 4: It's the podcast every parent needs, because every parent it's
- 9:08Speaker 4: just so I mean, I'm tired. It's the end of
- 9:11Speaker 4: the year.
- 9:11Speaker 2: I'm always going to say, how do you feel like
- 9:13Speaker 2: we've done managing the fatigue this year?
- 9:16Speaker 4: Reasonably?
- 9:16Speaker 5: Well?
- 9:16Speaker 4: Reasonably? Well, Look, there was something that you said.
- 9:20Speaker 3: You were talking about you and your friends talking about
- 9:22Speaker 3: how your exhaustion was at an all time high.
- 9:29Speaker 2: You know, I've been having conversations with lots of people
- 9:31Speaker 2: about this lately because I am feeling exhausted. I feel
- 9:35Speaker 2: like I've hit rock bottom in a way that I've
- 9:38Speaker 2: never hit before. I can hear it in your voice,
- 9:41Speaker 2: and there's just this acknowledgment that you know, we have
- 9:45Speaker 2: been through some of the hardest couple of years, not
- 9:48Speaker 2: collectively as a human race, dealing with just so much
- 9:54Speaker 2: uncertainty and stress and anxiety around you know, COVID and
- 10:00Speaker 2: jobs and you know whether or not there's enough food
- 10:02Speaker 2: on the shelves at the shops. There's just been so
- 10:06Speaker 2: much to deal.
- 10:06Speaker 3: With, and now we're dealing with the economic insecurity of
- 10:09Speaker 3: interest rate hikes and so.
- 10:10Speaker 2: On, and all of that insecurity and instability has taken
- 10:16Speaker 2: a physical and mental toll on everybody.
- 10:19Speaker 3: So I reckon, though, Kylie, that we were tired before COVID,
- 10:23Speaker 3: Like I think part of the condition.
- 10:25Speaker 2: As a parent specifically, I mean, I think tiredness is
- 10:29Speaker 2: across the board everybody. Everybody experiences it to some level.
- 10:32Speaker 2: But as a parent, I think that you know, you
- 10:37Speaker 2: sign up for a lifetime.
- 10:41Speaker 3: So do you remember when we had little kids? Do
- 10:42Speaker 3: you remember how how tiring. It was when we had
- 10:45Speaker 3: kids that were like one and two and three.
- 10:49Speaker 2: I was so exhausted that I would often wake up
- 10:52Speaker 2: at about one o'clock in the morning, still on the ground,
- 10:56Speaker 2: after having tried to pad off a child and wondering
- 10:59Speaker 2: why you hadn't come and woken me up to take
- 11:02Speaker 2: me to bed because you had fallen asleep in bed
- 11:05Speaker 2: waiting for.
- 11:06Speaker 3: Me, or patting another child off in another room or
- 11:08Speaker 3: something like that. I mean, you were so tired when
- 11:11Speaker 3: you were pregnant with our second child. We had like
- 11:13Speaker 3: a two and a half year old pregnant with our
- 11:15Speaker 3: second one, and we were at a Billy Joel concert
- 11:17Speaker 3: Brisbane and attainment center, like in two thousand and I
- 11:19Speaker 3: guess two thousand and one, two thousand and two, and.
- 11:21Speaker 4: You fell asleep, fell asleep in a rock concert. That's
- 11:25Speaker 4: so exhaustion is.
- 11:26Speaker 3: But so how do we manage fatigue as a parent?
- 11:29Speaker 3: How do we get the balance right? Before we share
- 11:32Speaker 3: some solutions, I want to share one quick metaphor that
- 11:34Speaker 3: I found really useful, and that is the metaphor of
- 11:37Speaker 3: a tightrope walker. So I don't think that a tightrope
- 11:40Speaker 3: walker is ever what you might call perfectly balanced. Instead,
- 11:44Speaker 3: they were in a process of constantly balancing, always adjusting,
- 11:48Speaker 3: moving a bit to the left, a little bit to
- 11:50Speaker 3: the right as they move make their way across the tightrope,
- 11:53Speaker 3: and the eye energy on the end of.
- 11:55Speaker 4: The word tells us it's active.
- 11:57Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a process. It's something that we have to
- 12:00Speaker 3: be continually doing. I think that's why it's exhausting trying
- 12:03Speaker 3: to get this balance right. It's never quite right, but
- 12:05Speaker 3: we're always in the process of balancing.
- 12:08Speaker 2: I just love that metaphor because when I think about,
- 12:13Speaker 2: you know, family life in general, whether it's dealing with
- 12:15Speaker 2: fatigue or you know, kind of dealing with children's behavior
- 12:19Speaker 2: challenges or eating, whatever it is, it's constantly changing. Just
- 12:25Speaker 2: when you think you've got the mix right, just when
- 12:27Speaker 2: you feel like you're spot on, everything's going right, which
- 12:31Speaker 2: is that whole balance right, You're on the tightrope and
- 12:34Speaker 2: you feel like, oh, I've got.
- 12:35Speaker 4: This, I've got Oh no, I don't. Well, I sway
- 12:38Speaker 4: to the other side every now.
- 12:39Speaker 3: And again, I'm feeling balanced, and then one of the
- 12:41Speaker 3: kids will come and say, Dad.
- 12:43Speaker 2: That's exactly right. And there's just there's so many moving.
- 12:46Speaker 4: Parts and we talked about three pillars of managing fatigue.
- 12:50Speaker 2: Solution number one it was getting more sleep.
- 12:53Speaker 4: We're doing okay with that, but it's.
- 12:55Speaker 2: Just well, I did fall asleep before you putting the
- 12:57Speaker 2: kids to bed last night.
- 12:59Speaker 3: Actually had and rescue you because I fell asleep and
- 13:01Speaker 3: discovered when I woke up thinking my bed doesn't feel right.
- 13:04Speaker 4: You were in bed with one of the kids.
- 13:06Speaker 2: I don't know if that counts as getting more sleep
- 13:08Speaker 2: when you actually fall asleep in the middle of doing something.
- 13:10Speaker 3: Solution number two was improving diet. Hey, we're making this
- 13:13Speaker 3: progress there. Hopefully twenty twenty four will be good for that. Well,
- 13:17Speaker 3: you're looking at me, funny. I haven't eaten any rubbish
- 13:19Speaker 3: food like I'm fully off processed sugary snack treat sort
- 13:23Speaker 3: of stuff except on day starting with their sweet on
- 13:25Speaker 3: day starting with this.
- 13:26Speaker 4: Only, and I think I'm doing really well with that.
- 13:28Speaker 2: I think you are too.
- 13:29Speaker 4: Thank you.
- 13:29Speaker 2: And number three was a tension management.
- 13:32Speaker 4: It was a great podcast episode.
- 13:33Speaker 3: We're not going to talk about any more of that
- 13:34Speaker 3: right now because we need to get to number one,
- 13:36Speaker 3: but if you want to check it out, our second
- 13:37Speaker 3: most listened to podcasts of the year, Managing Fatigue, episode
- 13:40Speaker 3: number six hundred and seventy nine.
- 13:43Speaker 4: Kylie, let's do it number one, number one.
- 13:52Speaker 2: What do you think it is?
- 13:53Speaker 4: Well, I know what it is because I put this together.
- 13:56Speaker 4: You're so funny. You're so funny.
- 13:58Speaker 3: I love that you asked me that that's so cool.
- 14:02Speaker 2: Well, it was all about diffusing explosive children.
- 14:07Speaker 3: Yeah, great conversation. In fact, it was a two parter,
- 14:10Speaker 3: but the second part, I guess didn't quite make it
- 14:13Speaker 3: in the top five.
- 14:13Speaker 4: It was still in the top ten. But I had
- 14:16Speaker 4: a chat with the.
- 14:16Speaker 3: Author of a book called The Explosive Child, Dr Ross Green.
- 14:20Speaker 2: He is just a that's a title that's going to
- 14:22Speaker 2: get people wanting to read.
- 14:24Speaker 3: Yeah, it's great title of a book, but it's also
- 14:26Speaker 3: a really, really great book. And he and we have
- 14:29Speaker 3: different ways of expressing the same thing. And some people
- 14:32Speaker 3: they really love what I do. Some people they really
- 14:33Speaker 3: love what Ross does. But he's just such a lovely guy.
- 14:37Speaker 3: We talked about how his parents we need to keep
- 14:39Speaker 3: our emotions in chair so that we can help our
- 14:41Speaker 3: children in a useful way.
- 14:47Speaker 5: Emotion regulation is huge. Life is full of anxieties and
- 14:54Speaker 5: frustrations and sadness. These are all good emotions because they
- 14:59Speaker 5: can prepare tell us into action, says the research. But
- 15:03Speaker 5: the other thing the research says is that if we
- 15:05Speaker 5: feel those emotions too strongly, they can shut us down
- 15:10Speaker 5: and make it harder for us to think. So those
- 15:13Speaker 5: are the global skills. The research has identified literally hundreds
- 15:18Speaker 5: of skills frequently found lacking in kids with social, emotional,
- 15:22Speaker 5: and behavioral challenges. Why do I say kids do all
- 15:25Speaker 5: if they can, Because if you have those skills, you're
- 15:29Speaker 5: probably doing pretty well, and if you don't, you'd very
- 15:33Speaker 5: much like to be doing well, but something's getting in
- 15:36Speaker 5: your way.
- 15:37Speaker 2: This interview was really helpful, and I have found as
- 15:41Speaker 2: I've tried to I'm going to say, I'm going to
- 15:43Speaker 2: use the word master, I'm not even close to being there,
- 15:46Speaker 2: but recognizing just how powerful it is to keep my
- 15:50Speaker 2: emotion in checks as I'm trying to deal with children's
- 15:53Speaker 2: big emotions has played a huge part in some of
- 15:56Speaker 2: our most successful moments as parents. This year, we.
- 15:58Speaker 3: Also talked about ways that we can work with a
- 16:00Speaker 3: child that struggles with psychological flexibility.
- 16:03Speaker 5: I don't know if that is a skill that can
- 16:05Speaker 5: be taught through direct instruction, though I know many people try.
- 16:09Speaker 5: I think it is a skill that is taught more
- 16:11Speaker 5: through a process, and the process that we use to
- 16:15Speaker 5: enhance that skill is problem solving, solving problems collaboratively. So
- 16:22Speaker 5: let me just rewind the tape a second. The kids
- 16:27Speaker 5: who we're thinking about right now don't look bad all
- 16:30Speaker 5: the time. They only look bad some of the time.
- 16:33Speaker 5: When do they look bad when expectations are being placed
- 16:38Speaker 5: upon them that they're having difficulty meeting. That could be
- 16:41Speaker 5: anything from difficulty turning off the xbox to come in
- 16:45Speaker 5: for dinner, to difficulty getting out of bed by seven
- 16:49Speaker 5: am to go to school, to difficulty eating what mom
- 16:53Speaker 5: or dad has made for dinner. Those are all expectations.
- 16:56Speaker 5: If a kid is having difficulty meeting and expectation, we
- 16:59Speaker 5: have a problem that needs to be solved. We call
- 17:04Speaker 5: those unsolved problems. And as you know, but maybe some
- 17:09Speaker 5: of your listeners don't, the collaborative and proactive solutions model
- 17:14Speaker 5: articulates a very systematic way of solving problems collaboratively and
- 17:21Speaker 5: proactively with kids. So the good news is that once
- 17:25Speaker 5: a problem is solved, it doesn't cause concerning behavior anymore.
- 17:29Speaker 5: That's good both the problem is solved and the concerning
- 17:33Speaker 5: behavior has subsided. Both very good things, but the process
- 17:39Speaker 5: of solving problems with kids collaboratively and outside the heat
- 17:44Speaker 5: of the moment proactively also gives kids practice at models
- 17:51Speaker 5: for them and enhances the very skills that they're lacking.
- 17:56Speaker 5: So now to your question. In the case of flexibility adaptive,
- 18:01Speaker 5: Let's say we've got a kid who's a very concrete, literal,
- 18:03Speaker 5: black and white, rigid thinker. They've already got the solution
- 18:08Speaker 5: of that problem, right, but we don't want to hear
- 18:12Speaker 5: about their solution yet. We want to hear what's making
- 18:15Speaker 5: it hard for them to meet the expectation. First, it
- 18:19Speaker 5: would sound like this, I've noticed you've been having difficulty
- 18:22Speaker 5: brushing your teeth before going to bed at night. What's up.
- 18:27Speaker 5: That's the beginning of the first of the three steps
- 18:29Speaker 5: that are involved in solving a problem collaboratively. Let's say
- 18:33Speaker 5: this very rigid kid then says, oh, no, no, no, I'm
- 18:36Speaker 5: in trouble brushing my teeth before I go to bed
- 18:37Speaker 5: at night. I've got my way of doing it, and
- 18:40Speaker 5: that's my way of doing it. That's not any typical response, right.
- 18:45Speaker 5: The parent would then say, yes, but I'm interested in
- 18:48Speaker 5: knowing what's hard for you about meeting that expectation. Now
- 18:53Speaker 5: we're on a different subject. Now we're not on the
- 18:56Speaker 5: kid's solution. Now we've rewound the tape a little bit.
- 19:00Speaker 5: It back to what's making it hard for them. In
- 19:04Speaker 5: the second step, the adult is entering their concern into
- 19:08Speaker 5: consideration why we think it's important that the expectation be met.
- 19:13Speaker 5: In the third step, we're putting our heads together and
- 19:16Speaker 5: collaborating on a solution, but one that addresses the concerns
- 19:20Speaker 5: of both parties. So what happened in that process for
- 19:24Speaker 5: that kid number one? They felt heard this is not
- 19:29Speaker 5: my solution versus your solution. It's let's hear your concerns.
- 19:33Speaker 5: Let's hear what's getting in your way. Then I'm going
- 19:36Speaker 5: to tell you my concerns. So we're listening to each other,
- 19:39Speaker 5: we're modeling, we're practicing, listening, empathizing, taking another person's perspective.
- 19:48Speaker 5: And then when we get to that third step and
- 19:51Speaker 5: we discover that the kid's original solution and the adult's
- 19:56Speaker 5: original solution could not conceivably address the concern of both parties,
- 20:01Speaker 5: and that we need a different solution, Well, the kid
- 20:05Speaker 5: has just gotten one rep in the skill of flexibility, adaptability,
- 20:12Speaker 5: also one rep on problem solving, one rep on frustration tolerance.
- 20:18Speaker 5: And if we did this proactively instead of the heat
- 20:20Speaker 5: of the moment, probably some skills that are going to
- 20:23Speaker 5: help them regulate their emotions down the road if we
- 20:25Speaker 5: get them good enough at this. So in answer to
- 20:28Speaker 5: your question, I told you it was going to take
- 20:30Speaker 5: a while. How do you teach skills when you're implementing
- 20:34Speaker 5: collaborative and practice solutions by solving problems collaboratively and proactively,
- 20:39Speaker 5: just by engaging kids in that process, we model practice
- 20:44Speaker 5: and enhance those skills. I should mention one other thing.
- 20:48Speaker 5: It's not just the kid who's getting practice at those skills.
- 20:57Speaker 2: This was such a fantastic episode and I can see
- 21:00Speaker 2: alright it was.
- 21:00Speaker 4: Number one, Yeah, number seven, twenty one.
- 21:02Speaker 3: If you want to go back and have a listen,
- 21:03Speaker 3: We will put all the details for these episodes in
- 21:05Speaker 3: the show notes because they will make your family happier. Hey,
- 21:09Speaker 3: we so appreciate that you've listened to today's podcast.
- 21:11Speaker 4: Thank you for joining us.
- 21:12Speaker 3: Tomorrow, I want to share with you one of the
- 21:14Speaker 3: most important articles that I've read this year to.
- 21:17Speaker 4: Help make your family happier. Join us for the podcast tomorrow,
- 21:21Speaker 4: It's been a big year.
- 21:23Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a lot of good work that's been done
- 21:25Speaker 3: and a lot of families that have been helped. We
- 21:26Speaker 3: so appreciate your feedback as well podcasts at Happy families
- 21:29Speaker 3: dot com dot au. The Happy Family's podcast is produced
- 21:32Speaker 3: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our
- 21:34Speaker 3: executive producer. Like I said, tomorrow a really important episode
- 21:38Speaker 3: about making your family happy across summer based on one
- 21:40Speaker 3: of the most important articles that I've read this year.
- 21:42Speaker 3: And for more information about making your family happier, don't
- 21:45Speaker 3: just listen to the podcast, visit our website, Happy families
- 21:47Speaker 3: dot com dot you and become a Happy Family's member
- 21:50Speaker 3: today