Latest / Girl, Date the Good Guy ™ | Healing After Heartbreak & A Toxic Relationship / Stop Dating by the Checklist | Why Spiritual Maturity Changes Everything

Transcript

Stop Dating by the Checklist | Why Spiritual Maturity Changes Everything · Girl, Date the Good Guy ™ | Healing After Heartbreak & A Toxic Relationship

0:00
Hey sis, it's Emily. Welcome to Girl Date the Good Guy, your holy space to heal,
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rise, and love again, this time with God.
0:14
Hey sis, welcome back to another episode of Girl Date the Good Guy.
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It's your girl Emily, and this is your holy rescue.
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I hope you are having a fantastic week. If not, remember grace,
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Give yourself grace, all right?
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Today's episode, we're going to talk about dating advice.
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I have recently been talking a lot about what God's been doing in my life,
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and I feel like the direction of,
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this podcast is absolutely getting ready to just come into some wonderful,
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downloads from the Holy Spirit, Things that I've been learning right now in
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my season and just realizing how much we've believed so many lies of the dating, you know,
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to do's, checklists that are out there with all the relationship gurus.
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You know, I wouldn't be able to speak into this space unless I'd actually been through it.
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So thank God I've been through two felt marriages. I mean, I say thank God because
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I look at them all now as blessings because they made me who I am today.
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But two felt marriages and serious
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series of dating and situationships and just, you know, what we do.
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We're out there searching for
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love. And you know what? We're searching for love in all the wrong places.
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True love only comes from our Father in Heaven. We've got to be real.
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This is what I've learned in my own walk with God.
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If you listened to my testimony last week, I couldn't do it without Him. None of it.
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In fact, it wasn't until I put everything back into His hands that I was able
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to see all of this come together.
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I want to welcome you in. If this is your first time on the podcast.
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Welcome. I am so glad that you are here.
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I am here because God has led me here to start this podcast.
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And now I have officially finished the sample of my manuscript.
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I have not given you guys the name of the book, and boy, do I want to,
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because it is incredible what God has done through me for this book.
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It is like no other book out there.
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Literally, I've done all the research, and I am so excited to get it into your
2:37
hands coming soon in the next, I hope, six months. But God could say quicker
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or a little longer, so hang in there.
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It is to help women heal.
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We are doing the work to heal because it first begins with us all right and
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also if you have not signed up for the newsletter to get the information on the launch date,
3:02
or any information on the book coming up please go down in the show notes and
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click that link down there and just put your name and your address email address in,
3:13
the box there and just sign up that way when things start moving forward with
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the book, I'm able to send you out updates on it.
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Now let's get into today's episode. I don't know about you, but sometimes I
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get online and I feel like dating has turned into a full-time investigative job.
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Did he text you back in an hour? Did he text you back at all?
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Did he use an explanation point? Did he say good morning? Did he open the car door?
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Did he plan the date? Did he pay? Did he watch your story but not like your picture?
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And apparently if he does one thing wrong, you need to block him,
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delete him, throw the whole man away, and start over.
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Do y'all feel like that ever? Like that's like the thing that's all anyone ever
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talks about is these checklists.
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Sis, seriously, what are we doing? Now listen, some of those things can tell you something.
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Effort matters. Communication matters. Thoughtfulness matters. Consistency matters.
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But we have gotten to a place where we're so busy studying the little things,
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that we can miss the big things.
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We're studying his texting habits while never asking about his character.
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We're analyzing how quickly he responds while ignoring how he responds when he's frustrated.
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Come on, does he get angry? I mean, that is a serious red flag.
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We're looking for signs that he likes us while forgetting to ask whether this
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is actually a man whose life reflects the things we say we want.
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And underneath all those checklists, sometimes there's a woman who is scared.
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She's scared of getting hurt again. She's scared of missing a red flag.
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She's scared of choosing the wrong man.
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She's scared that if she doesn't get every decision right, she'll end up right back where she started.
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And baby, I understand that 100%.
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Especially if you've been through a toxic relationship when you've been hurt
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you want a way to make sure it never happens again you want rules you want guarantees,
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you want somebody to tell you exactly what to look for so you can finally get it right,
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But here's the problem. A dating checklist cannot give you the discernment that
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comes from spiritual maturity.
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I want to say that again. A dating checklist cannot give you the discernment
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that comes from spiritual maturity.
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So today we're going to talk about what that maturity actually looks like.
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Because whether you're dating, waiting, engaged, or married,
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your spiritual maturity affects the way you love.
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It affects what you tolerate. It affects what you recognize.
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It affects how you respond when things don't go your way.
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And it affects whether you can carry the responsibility of a relationship without
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making another person responsible for everything happening inside of you.
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So let's get into it.
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Let's start with dating. I want you to imagine you're getting to know a man.
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You've been on a few dates. Things seem promising. He's attractive. He's kind.
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He makes you laugh and you enjoy spending time with him.
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But now you're online looking up all the rules.
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How long should a man wait before he asks me to be his girlfriend?
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If he doesn't text me good morning, is he losing interest?
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How do I know if he's serious about me?
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And before you know it, you're not even enjoying getting to know the man anymore.
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You're evaluating every interaction. You're keeping score.
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You're trying to figure out what every little thing means.
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And girl, you're exhausted. Believe me, I was this girl.
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And here's what I want you to understand. You don't have to turn dating into a scavenger hunt.
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Where you're searching for clues that a man is the one.
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You need to pay attention to the fruit of his life. And we've spoken a lot about that.
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And it takes more than a few dates and a list of things he should do.
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It takes observation. It takes discernment. It takes time. It takes prayer.
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It takes going to God, asking him, even getting confirmation.
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I had to get confirmation when my guy first came back, you know,
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back into my life because he was my middle school crush. But I still had to
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get confirmation on that. And I think you guys know my story.
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If you don't two days after this man reached out to me on facebook messenger,
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i immediately went to the father and asked for a sign and i went to go clean
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a client's house because i was cleaning houses at that moment and she had these
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beautiful divine light cards
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with biblical verses on them and she was like you want to pull one and i was
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like absolutely so i pulled it and it said God's best is worth the weight right
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there that part the weight.
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And then on the back of the card it said life is not measured by the breath
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you take but by the moments that take your breath away,
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and I knew that he was sent from God I just knew it I knew that was the confirmation
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that I needed but I didn't stop there I kept praying through the whole relationship
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I kept discerning through the whole relationship.
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I kept going to the father through the whole relationship.
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And it was in those moments that he was talking to me about the relationship,
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about the things that, you know, just weren't ready just yet.
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I could sense we weren't ready. I could sense there was some more things that
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needed to develop in the both of us.
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But I would have never known that had I not gone to God and discerned the situation and waited.
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This is a slow burn, all right? Not a popcorn snack.
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Okay, too many of us are rushing into relationships that we don't even know
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if God even wants us in them.
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And that's why we end up in some of these bad relationships.
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Believe me, I know, I did it twice and married him.
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I wasn't thinking before I did. We have to think before we do.
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We have to go to God before we do.
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We can't let emotions and attraction get all us caught up in ourselves and our
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fleshly desires and end up dating someone that God never sent to us.
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Because the truth is, the devil can send someone too.
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With that said, it takes being willing to see what's actually in front of you,
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even when it isn't what you hope to see.
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Jesus said in Matthew 7, 16, you will recognize them by their fruits.
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Now, he was teaching about recognizing false prophets, but the principle of
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looking at fruit instead of appearances is worth considering in relationships too.
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A person can say all the right things. A man can know scripture.
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He can talk about God. He can tell you that he wants a godly wife and a biblical marriage.
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But what does his life actually produce?
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How does he treat people when there's nothing to gain? How does he respond when
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he's frustrated? Come on right there.
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Can he admit when he's wrong? Does he take responsibility for his choices?
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Is he willing to learn? Does he treat your boundaries with respect?
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Does his private life line up with the person he presents in public?
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And here's a big one. What happens when somebody challenges him?
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Does he become defensive, blame everybody else, and refuse to consider that
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he might have done something wrong and he needs to learn something for himself?
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Or can he humble himself and listen, reflect, and take responsibility?
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Because there's a difference between a man who is a work in progress and a man
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who insists there's nothing wrong with him.
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None of us has arrived, not even him, not you, not me, but spiritual maturity
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shows up in what we do when God exposes something that needs to change.
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Do we get humble or do we get hostile? Do we take responsibility or do we make excuses?
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Do we allow God to correct us or do we keep defending the very thing he's asking us to surrender?
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Sis, you don't need a perfect man. You need a man who is gently willing to grow,
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whose actions show you what he values and whose faith is more than something
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he talks about when he's trying to impress you.
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And you need to be that kind of woman too. Let's be real.
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Because this isn't about putting a man under a microscope while giving yourself a free pass.
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It's about learning to recognize character and allowing God to develop it in you.
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Now here's another thing I want us to talk about. Attention.
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Because sometimes we get so focused on whether a man is pursuing us that we
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forget to ask whether the way he's pursuing us is actually good.
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A man can text you all day and be emotionally unavailable.
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He can tell you that you're beautiful and still treat you carelessly.
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He can pursue you intensely in the beginning and have no intention of building something lasting.
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And on the other hand, a man might not communicate in exactly the way some online
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dating experts say he should, but he may be thoughtful, consistent,
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honest person who genuinely wants to get to know you.
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That doesn't mean you ignore poor communication or settle for a relationship
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that doesn't meet your needs.
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It means you stop treating one behavior as the entire verdict on someone's character.
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You learn to take a step back and look at the whole picture.
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You pay attention to the patterns, you communicate your needs,
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and you give yourself enough time to see who somebody really is.
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You know what spiritual maturity gives you? The ability to stop making every
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interaction mean something about your worth. He hasn't text back yet.
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You don't have to immediately decide you're unwanted. He doesn't feel the same way you do.
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That doesn't mean you're not worthy of love. A relationship doesn't work out.
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That doesn't mean you failed. You can acknowledge what happened without allowing it to define you.
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And when you are grounded in who you are in Christ, you don't have to manipulate
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a situation to get somebody to choose you.
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To be real, if a man wants you, he's going to come and get you.
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He's going to be fully present, fully transparent, and fully yours.
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There will be no games. There will be no guessing.
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But that's when God aligns it to become that.
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In the beginning, there's all these beautiful gray areas that you're going to be navigating.
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Until you get to that point when God says, okay, you're both ready. Isn't that beautiful?
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And so I bring all of this up because God really has developed spiritual maturity in me.
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And you have to have spiritual maturity in order to hold the promise.
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Because the truth is, it's not your job to lead. It is his job.
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He needs to lead. He needs to pursue. He needs to be the one that comes and gets you.
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Why? Because you're a precious ruby.
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And if he's not doing that, then guess what? He's not worth your time.
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But again, I don't want to confuse you because even during the dating phase
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and getting to know someone before God says, okay, it's time for the promise,
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you are having to navigate a lot of this from a spiritual mature place.
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And it's not all these rules and all these games that all the relationship gurus
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want to put in your mind to make you believe this is the way it's supposed to be.
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Oh, he's not doing this or he's not doing that. Like, stop it.
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I wish somebody would have slapped me in my face and told me, no, ma'am.
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Like there is a level of spiritual maturity that exists in relationships that we're not walking in.
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And so I'm trying to bring this to the light because I want you to see it for the way that it is.
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So you're not confused, okay? Because the devil confuses us, not God.
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Not meaning that a relationship can't go through phases of where you're like,
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okay, what's going on here?
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Again right there that beautiful gray that spiritual maturity we've got to be
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able to discern and the only way to be able to discern is to go to god right,
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and i say that because when you are grounded in who you are in christ again
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you do not have to manipulate a situation to get somebody to choose you,
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you can be honest you can ask questions you can observe you can make decisions
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and you can absolutely walk away when something isn't right for you.
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And not because some influencer told you to block a man after three hours without a text.
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I'm sick of it. But because you've developed the wisdom and the spiritual maturity
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to recognize when a relationship isn't aligned with your values,
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your faith, or what you know you need in a relationship.
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God's very best right there.
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You want God's very best, and you're not going to settle until you have that.
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I don't care how lonely you are.
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I don't care how much you're tired of being alone. Sis, it is way more...
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It is better, sorry, I lost my thought there, but it is better to be alone than
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it is to be in bad company.
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I wanna say that again, it is better to be alone than it is to be in bad company.
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You don't need a relationship to define you, okay? You simply don't.
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You are beautiful all by yourself. And in fact, what God has for you is better
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than what you can give yourself.
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I didn't wait 10 years. 10 years for god to bring me the man he has for me,
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For you to go and date whatever and whoever no ma'am,
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I did that because I wanted to show people that god does have a plan for our
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lives And this man that he brought me is one of the most amazing I mean,
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wow sis like My mind is blown By this man Like that's why i'm like it is worth the wait.
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Don't you dare settle for less than god's best,
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Because if not, you could end up in a bad situation. And we don't want that.
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We want you to have God's best for you.
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His plan for you, sis. It is amazing and beautiful.
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And I'm saying that because, you know, going through a toxic relationship can
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really mess you up. It really can mess you up. And I know a lot of women are
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sitting there right now thinking to themselves, how am I ever going to trust again?
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How am I ever going to get on the other side of this? Believe me,
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I was that girl for a long time.
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I thought that myself. I was like, how am I ever going to go to another relationship after this one?
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But I'm here to tell you, you are and you will.
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I am walking, living proof that God takes ashes and brings beauty out of it.
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And I believe that this is part of my testimony. so I can sit here and tell
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you, hey, look, you can come out of a toxic relationship and absolutely find
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the love of your life. Is it going to be easy? No.
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Are you going to have to do things to heal?
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Yes. And that's why I have the book, because it is going to help you to do that
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work so that you can enter into a healthy relationship.
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Now, I want to get a little uncomfortable real quick, because sometimes we don't
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have a problem recognizing red flags.
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Sometimes we see them, we see the inconsistency, we see the excuses,
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we see the lack of accountability, we see the way he treats us when he's upset,
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but we keep focusing on who we believe he could become.
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We start dating his potential.
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And I know that we've actually talked about in one of the episodes,
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what if He's not the bad guy, because my guy was absolutely all these beautiful
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things, but he just wasn't perfect.
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And I had trauma eyes and we do go through trauma eyes in the book.
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Because you are going to have to learn to see this man with fresh new eyes.
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Okay. And so we can start dating potential, especially with the man that lacks
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inconsistency, has excuses, lacks accountability.
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Treats us like you know what when he's mad or upset.
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And the truth is is that's what the point is between dating potential and he's
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not the bad guy is because,
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the guy that's not the bad guy is not perfect but he has all these other beautiful
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you know characteristics,
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versus the potential man that is inconsistent and does make excuses and does
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not have accountability and all those things he does become the man of potential
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that's what I believe potential is,
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when we talk about the potential guy.
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And I wanted to debunk this for you because I think so many of us,
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like again, relationship gurus, don't date potential. Oh my goodness, bro.
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It's not don't date potential. It's don't put up with disrespect and a man that
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is inconsistent, has excuses, has no accountability, gets mad at you when he's
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upset. Come on, that's the man that is potential. All right.
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The good guy, he is going to have wonderful characteristics,
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his fruit, right? We know him by his fruit.
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He is going to have the fruit that we need him to have, but he is worth waiting for. Okay.
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There is a big difference right there.
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And so the potential guy, we start building a future around the man we hope he'll eventually be.
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And we tell ourselves that if we love him enough, pray hard enough.
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And again, this is the toxic guys, I believe, you know, or we stand by him long
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enough. Eventually, everything will change.
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All right, ma'am, the toxic guy is not going to change. I'm sorry.
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20 years later, I'm sitting here telling you this. He's never changed.
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Changed i prayed for him i waited for him i wanted that for my family he never
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changed you know why because his heart was turned away from god,
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He he was inconsistent. He had no accountability.
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He got mad at me all the time. Everything was my fault. Like,
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let's be real. These are the men of potential. And we're not dating them.
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We're dating the good guys. The ones that are absolutely beautiful in their
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character have beautiful fruit, but may not be perfect. They may have some little
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they have some work to do.
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But that's the truth. We're humans.
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We all have work to do, but we're not going to tolerate disrespect toxic men.
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Not a minute longer. No, ma'am.
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And here's the truth. There's coverts out there. I try not to use the terms
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covert narcissists or overt narcissists.
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But let's be real that's really what they are and there are covert narcissists
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that they're even sneakier okay,
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like they be acting all good in front of people,
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to your family and then suddenly when you're alone with them bam they are not who they say they are,
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so we're looking for somebody that's got all the character, 360,
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all the way around, ma'am, everything he does in public, he does to his family, he
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does to your family, does in front of your friends, and the way he is behind closed doors,
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that's the man, consistent man that we need, okay?
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And I'm not saying these men aren't going to get frustrated,
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these good guys, they are, but they're not going to take it out on you.
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Their frustration is not directed to you or at you, it's directed at them and
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themselves because they want to change and grow and be better.
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And I'm actually going to be doing an episode next week about a lot of these
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characters and the way that they are and they act and how to be aware of them.
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Because let me tell you something, sis, discernment is so important.
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You really need to be able to see men for who they are.
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And that's the part about potential, right? It's who are they right now,
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not who are they going to become. And when I say who they are as potential is the toxic guy.
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Does he have the fruits? Is he bearing fruit? Because if so,
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he's a good guy and he just has work to do.
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If he's the toxic guy, he has all of these things that he needs to work on.
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That's the potential guy. We're not.
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No, I cannot.
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I cannot express this enough. So we meet the potential guy and we start building
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a future around that man and we hope he'll eventually be.
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Seriously, you hope that one day he won't have any more excuses.
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You hope one day he has accountability. You hope one day he doesn't have an anger issue. No, ma'am.
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No, ma'am. I want you to listen to me. You can believe God is capable of changing
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somebody without making yourself responsible for producing that change.
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You can pray for a man without becoming his Holy Spirit. You can encourage him
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without carrying his entire spiritual life.
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You can love somebody and still acknowledge that the relationship isn't good
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for you. And I say this because I did it twice.
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And you can recognize that somebody has potential without pretending that potential
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is the same thing as demonstrated character.
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Spiritual maturity doesn't require you to predict the future.
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It requires you to pay attention to the present.
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What he is showing you now. How does he handle responsibility now?
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How does he respond to correction now?
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Is he taking real steps toward growth now?
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And I can't express more about the teachable spirit.
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This is something you really want to see in who you're dating. Is he teachable?
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And just as importantly, what is this relationship producing in your life?
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Are you becoming more honest, peaceful, grounded, and secure in your walk with God?
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Or are you constantly anxious, compromising your values, hiding things from
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people who care about you, and making excuses for behavior that hurts you.
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No single feeling can tell you everything about a relationship.
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Even good relationships have
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difficult seasons, but they're not difficult because they're toxic, okay?
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Because let's be real. We're going to have things that come up in our relationships
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that we're going to have to work through. There's going to be hard seasons that
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we're going to have to work through.
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But the one thing we're not doing is tolerating disrespect. But that's what we're not doing.
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That's where the line is drawn in the sand.
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Because here's the truth, patterns matter. And if you're repeatedly seeing behavior
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that is controlling, degrading, manipulative, or abusive, don't explain it away
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by calling it a spiritual assignment.
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You do not have to remain in harm's way to prove that you have faith.
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Godly discernment includes knowing when to seek support and when to leave.
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Your peace is not a reason to ignore reality, and your faith is not a requirement
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to tolerate mistreatment.
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Now, I want to go into something because not too long ago, I saw a lady on Facebook
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and I didn't catch her name. And I normally won't use names here on the podcast
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because I am not a gossiper.
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I just hear something and I want to bring discernment to it.
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I want to bring truth to it when I hear it.
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And so this lady was talking about, you know, staying in a toxic relationship with an angry man.
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And how this is God's assignment on her life. And I'm like, no,
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ma'am. And it took everything in me to not leave a comment on there.
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Like, I rebuke this in the mighty name of Jesus. Shut this down right now.
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I am sorry. God does not want his daughters, not for one minute, to be disrespected.
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And in fact, we're going into this more next week. So come back for the next
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episode, because we're going to talk about biblical truth, about relationships.
29:27
Biblical truth, not this stay in a toxic relationship because God's going to change this man.
29:34
And then she went back to, you know, sorry, but it got me really hot when I
29:40
read this and what she was talking about.
29:43
I believe God can restore relationships. I can, but not when they're toxic.
29:51
Because if two people are in a relationship and,
29:55
one of them is being patient and waiting and being kind and loving and tolerating
30:00
someone that refuses to change, refuses to stop disrespecting his wife,
30:07
which he is called not to do,
30:09
he is called not to disrespect his wife.
30:12
And in fact, women can divorce because of that very reason.
30:17
In fact, God created divorce because of toxicity, because of abuse,
30:22
because men were abusing their wives and God wanted to give the women a way out.
30:28
So for me to sit back and hear this woman talk about, oh, this is what God wants
30:33
me to do, yada, yada, yada.
30:35
No, ma'am, it is not what God wants you to do.
30:38
You are literally living in Dulululand. That's what I thought.
30:44
I was the woman that prayed. I was the woman that waited. I believed God wanted
30:49
to change this man. And let me tell you, it only got worse. And I only endured
30:54
more and more abuse and pain.
30:57
So I'm sitting here thinking, stop it right now.
31:02
Stop telling these women that it is okay to stay in a toxic relationship and
31:07
to tolerate men like this.
31:09
God says in the Bible, have nothing to do with them. Nothing to do with them.
31:14
And again, next week, we're going to go more into that. I probably shouldn't
31:18
have brought that into this episode, but.
31:21
That gets me hot because I am standing here screaming at the top of my lungs going, don't you dare.
31:29
Tell her to tolerate that disrespect.
31:32
That is not from God. In fact, God hates abuse. He hates it.
31:37
That's why he gave a way out for women to divorce.
31:41
And the reason I'm so passionate about it is because I had a woman prophesy
31:44
my life just like this woman,
31:46
to tell me to go into this relationship that this was the assignment that God had for me,
31:51
and ended up being the worst relationship I'd ever been in in my entire life
31:56
and thank God thank God that he pulled me out of that fire and he set me on solid ground and,
32:05
And I'm not saying that God can't restore relationships, but I'm saying what
32:09
I am saying is God is not in a relationship that is toxic. It is not.
32:16
God does not want his daughters to be disrespected.
32:21
And anyway, so we're going to go more into that next week.
32:25
But let's talk about the part that I think we don't discuss enough.
32:29
What happens when you meet somebody good?
32:32
Not somebody who is consistently playing games, not someone you have to chase,
32:38
not somebody who keeps you guessing about where you stand, but somebody who
32:42
is kind to you, somebody who respects you,
32:46
somebody who genuinely wants to know you, somebody who challenges you to grow
32:51
in the best ways, and suddenly, instead of feeling completely comfortable, you feel exposed.
32:58
You start noticing things about yourself that you didn't realize were still there.
33:03
Maybe you have a hard time receiving love. Maybe you're waiting for the other shoe to drop.
33:09
Maybe you interpret silence as rejection, because that's what silence used to mean.
33:15
Maybe you want reassurance, but you struggle to communicate what you need.
33:20
Maybe you pull away when things get serious, because vulnerability feels dangerous.
33:26
And this is the very reason why I say God is not in the toxic relationships,
33:33
because you should be able to be beautifully vulnerable.
33:37
You should be able to open your heart and love someone without being afraid.
33:42
You know what I mean, sis?
33:44
But that toxic relationship did you in. It did you in and you can't even be
33:50
free to love the way that Christ wants you to love.
33:54
Man, I tell you, my heart is for you ladies in such a way that I cannot explain.
34:02
Because I've walked through all of this.
34:05
And I even believe in counterfeits.
34:09
You know my two husbands were the same names as the guy that my the love of my life now,
34:16
so the devil sent two counterfeits before he sent the love of my life and i
34:22
do believe in counterfeits and that's why i want you to get it right this time
34:27
i don't want you to mess up i want you to,
34:30
be able to find healing and to open your heart the way that god always intended
34:35
for us to open our hearts in love.
34:38
We were not called to be abused. We were called to be loved like Christ loves the church.
34:47
And you, my love, you deserve that.
34:51
100%. And it just breaks my heart because we are getting in these toxic relationships
34:57
and these men are abusing us and we're tolerating it.
35:03
And it kills us it changes the very,
35:07
dna in our bodies and we have to go then and do the real work of healing so
35:13
we can step into holy healthy love that god always intended for his daughters.
35:21
So maybe you do have a hard time receiving love now. Maybe you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.
35:28
Maybe you do interpret silence as rejection because that's what silence used to mean.
35:33
Maybe you want reassurance, but you struggle to communicate what you need.
35:38
Maybe you pull away when things get serious because, again, vulnerability feels dangerous.
35:44
Maybe you're so used to protecting yourself that you don't know how to let somebody
35:48
get close without keeping one foot out the door.
35:54
And that was me, okay?
35:56
Sis, sometimes a good relationship reveals the places where we still need healing.
36:02
Not because the other person is your savior. Not because you need to become
36:07
perfect to deserve love. You're already loved.
36:10
Come on, you are already loved.
36:14
But because intimacy can bring things to the surface that were easier to avoid when you were alone.
36:22
And that is where spiritual maturity matters. Can you look at what is being
36:27
revealed without immediately blaming the other person?
36:30
Can you ask God to show you your part?
36:33
Can you distinguish between a genuine concern about his behavior and a fear
36:38
that comes from what you've experienced before?
36:42
Can you admit when an old wound is influencing your present response?
36:47
And can you take responsibility for doing your own work?
36:51
Because the sad part is trauma messes us up,
36:55
it just does and we have to rewire ourselves to think differently to feel differently,
37:01
to sit in the silence to sit in the uncomfortable moments because we've been
37:07
robbed from these abusive men,
37:10
that had no right to ever possess your heart ever.
37:15
Literally, he was Judas. He betrayed you.
37:19
And I'm not saying that it doesn't mean that every concern that you have is
37:23
trauma, okay? Because we have to be able, again, to discern things.
37:28
Sometimes your discomfort is telling you that something really isn't right,
37:32
okay? There are going to be times that you've got to trust your instincts.
37:36
You've got to trust the Holy Spirit, that small, still voice inside.
37:40
And that's what I'm going to be helping you to learn. Because when you start
37:44
walking with God, there's something beautiful that starts happening because
37:48
your reality was altered and because you learned to no longer trust yourself.
37:53
Actually, what happens when you start walking with God and you start doing all
37:57
of this healing work, he actually helps you to be able to discern his voice
38:03
and your old trauma voice because it's a real thing, sis. All right.
38:08
And so discernment means you don't automatically dismiss your concerns right
38:13
there, but you also don't automatically treat every uncomfortable feeling as
38:19
proof that something is wrong.
38:21
Again, getting your heart and head right is so important because when your heart
38:26
is right, your head follows and you can hear the Holy Spirit clearly that helps
38:31
you to be able to discern what is God and what isn't.
38:36
And I think some of these clear signs that I've given you right there,
38:40
I think this episode didn't expect it to go in this direction.
38:43
There was a lot of different things that came up as I was going along and the
38:47
Holy Spirit was having me speak about.
38:50
But I think whatever or whoever needed this episode today, I hope that it's
38:54
giving you what you need, whatever you needed to hear right now. But here's the truth.
39:01
We have to slow down. We have to pray. We have to observe.
39:06
Observe and we have to communicate and we have to seek wise counsel.
39:11
And you let truth, not fear, fantasy, or an internet checklist help you make a decision.
39:20
Because spiritual maturity isn't pretending you have no wounds.
39:24
It's learning how to bring those wounds to God instead of letting them make every decision for you.
39:31
And I want you to remember this. God doesn't expose something in you to shame you.
39:36
He can reveal it so you can bring it into the light and allow him to work on it.
39:42
You don't have to be ashamed that there's still work to do, even in you.
39:47
The truth is, because we all have work to do. The question is whether you're willing to let God do it.
39:53
I hope this episode is making sense. I feel like I've been going in so many
39:58
different directions, so much passion, so much passion, so much passion, so much passion,
40:01
Anyways, I hope it's blessing you, but this brings me to the waiting season,
40:07
because I think it's easy to talk about spiritual maturity when everything is
40:11
going according to plan.
40:13
It's easy to feel mature when you're happy, when the relationship is going well,
40:19
when everything seems to be falling into place.
40:23
But what about when you don't know what's happening?
40:26
What about when you care about somebody, but the timing isn't what you expected?
40:31
What about when you have to make room for God to work in your own life instead
40:36
of constantly trying to figure out what's happening in somebody else's life?
40:40
But that takes maturity. And
40:42
I'm not going, I'm not talking about sitting around doing nothing, okay?
40:47
Waiting for God to drop your future into your lap. We can't do that.
40:51
I'm talking about learning how to live faithfully without demanding that every
40:54
question be answered immediately, all right?
40:58
Because I think too because of the trauma that we've been through And the way
41:02
that we're having to heal to get our heart and our head right um.
41:07
We want answers immediately because we've been through so much pain,
41:11
right? We've been through so much hurt. We've been through situations that we
41:16
should have never been through, right?
41:19
And so waiting can be hard.
41:21
Waiting can be really, really hard. But in that time, you grow.
41:26
You heal. You work on your own character. You pursue what God has put in front of you.
41:32
You have honest conversations, you make wise decisions, and you can still acknowledge
41:38
that there are things you cannot control. Sometimes a relationship brings things
41:42
to the surface in both people.
41:44
Sometimes two people care about each other and still have growing to do.
41:48
Sometimes the wisest thing is to slow down, seek God, and allow each person
41:53
to take responsibility for their own walk.
41:56
This is when you know it's from God.
41:59
That's not a guarantee that maybe
42:01
a particular relationship will end in marriage because you never know.
42:05
Maybe you're going through the dating scene right now and you're out there dating
42:10
and God's teaching you through those dating experiences about what you want,
42:15
about what you don't want, about what you want, about what is Him and what is not Him.
42:20
Allow Him to do that work, okay?
42:23
Because it's an opportunity to become more mature in how you love whether that
42:28
relationship continues or not.
42:30
And girl, that matters, that God is constantly preparing us,
42:34
that God is constantly wanting us to step in the right direction, right?
42:40
So we can have the love, His best, for our lives.
42:46
Because the goal isn't simply to get the promise. That's not always the goal, right?
42:52
The goal is to become a woman who can walk faithfully with God in every season
42:57
of her life, and again, putting God first.
43:00
It's so important that you put God first.
43:04
Including the seasons where you don't have any of the answers yet, right?
43:09
It's in the waiting that can be really hard, but in the waiting is where God
43:15
is doing his best work in you, all right?
43:18
So real quick, let's move into marriage because this doesn't stop mattering
43:23
when you get engaged or say, I do.
43:25
In fact, this is where spiritual maturity becomes even more important.
43:30
Dating can reveal character. All right. Come on.
43:35
Engagement gives you an opportunity to have honest conversations about your
43:39
expectations, values, faith, finances, family, conflict, and future.
43:45
But marriage brings two real people into everyday life together.
43:51
Two people with different experiences, different habits, different ways of communicating,
43:56
different expectations, and yes, different flaws.
44:00
Marriage isn't a permanent date night.
44:03
It's not a fairy tale where two people finally find each other and never have
44:07
another difficult conversation.
44:09
It's a covenant that requires love, faithfulness, humility, honesty, and work.
44:15
And one of the quickest ways to create a distance in a marriage is to focus
44:19
so much on what your spouse is doing wrong that you never examine your own behavior.
44:26
I think that's why God wants to get your heart right first.
44:30
And his heart right first, because love is not selfish. All right.
44:36
Because the truth is, is we get into these marriages or relationships and we
44:40
start asking, why isn't he doing this? Why can't she understand that? Right.
44:46
Why do I always have to be the one to change?
44:48
And sometimes those are legitimate concerns that need to be addressed.
44:53
But spiritual maturity also asks, Lord, what is my responsibility here?
44:59
And am I communicating honestly? Am I listening? Or am I just waiting for my turn to defend myself?
45:06
Am I responding to my spouse with kindness?
45:09
Can I acknowledge the ways I've contributed to this conflict?
45:13
Am I willing to apologize when I'm wrong? Those questions don't excuse your spouse's behavior.
45:21
But they tell you to take responsibility for your own because you cannot control
45:26
another person's character.
45:28
You cannot force another person to grow. You cannot make another person take
45:32
accountability, but you can decide what kind of person you're going to be in
45:37
the middle of a difficult situation.
45:39
And that matters. And when I say difficult, again, I'm gonna keep shouting from.
45:45
The tops of the roof is not toxic, difficult situations.
45:50
We're not talking about blunt disrespect or toxicity.
45:56
We're talking about two spiritually mature people having difficult situations.
46:00
That's different, okay?
46:02
And it matters because here's where I want to get real.
46:07
It's easy to pray for God to change your spouse. It's easy to pray that he'll
46:11
make your husband more patient, more thoughtful, more understanding,
46:14
or better at communicating.
46:16
And there's nothing wrong with praying for the people you love.
46:19
In fact, God calls us to pray for the people we love.
46:23
But are you willing to let the Holy Spirit work on you too?
46:30
I'm going to keep pointing it back to you, sis.
46:33
Are you willing to examine the way you speak when you're angry?
46:36
The way you withdraw when you're hurt?
46:38
The way you use sarcasm to avoid saying what you really feel? Okay.
46:44
The way you bring up old mistakes during a new disagreement,
46:47
the way you expect your spouse to know what you need without ever telling them,
46:52
the way you use affection, attention, money, or silence to punish somebody.
46:57
Those things matter, okay? Spiritual maturity doesn't mean you never get angry.
47:03
It doesn't mean you never feel hurt. It doesn't mean you never need space.
47:07
It means learning to handle those feelings without deliberately using them to
47:10
hurt, control, or punish another person. Because again, I'm always going to
47:14
say, look at yourself first.
47:17
All right. And you can say, I'm upset.
47:22
I need some time to settle down. Let's come back to this conversation.
47:26
That's different from refusing to speak to somebody for days to make them suffer.
47:30
And I know because I used to be that way.
47:33
You can disagree without degrading somebody. You can express a need without making a threat.
47:39
You can apologize without adding, but you made me do it.
47:43
You can take responsibility without believing that admitting your wrong makes you weak.
47:49
And you can ask for accountability from your spouse while remaining accountable for yourself.
47:55
Because that's maturity, not perfection, just maturity.
48:00
And let me be clear about something. Accountability has to go both ways.
48:05
One spouse should not be expected to carry all the responsibility for repairing
48:09
a relationship while the other refuses to change.
48:13
And abuse is not simply a communication problem that a more spiritually mature spouse can fix.
48:20
Because if there is intimidation, violence, or ongoing control,
48:25
safety and appropriate support matter.
48:29
A marriage covenant is sacred, but that doesn't make harmful behavior acceptable.
48:34
Godly love does not require you to surrender your safety or your dignity, sis. It just doesn't.
48:42
And I think sometimes we focus so much on getting married that we don't spend
48:46
enough time considering what it means to build a marriage.
48:50
We dream about the ring, the wedding, the pictures, the moment we finally get
48:54
to say, that's my husband.
48:56
And there's nothing wrong with
48:57
looking forward to those things because God gives those desires, right?
49:02
But a wedding day is a beginning. A covenant requires daily faithfulness.
49:08
It requires honesty when the truth is uncomfortable.
49:11
It requires humility when your pride wants to win.
49:14
It requires patience when life gets stressful. It requires protecting the relationship
49:20
from choices that undermine trust.
49:24
It requires keeping God at the center without using God as a weapon against your spouse.
49:30
And it requires understanding that your spouse is not your source of salvation.
49:35
Your husband can love you deeply. He can support you. He can encourage you.
49:40
He can be a beautiful gift in your life, but He cannot be God.
49:44
He cannot carry the entire weight of your identity, your peace,
49:48
your worth, and your emotional well-being.
49:52
This is too much to place on another human being. Your relationship with Jesus
49:56
matters before marriage, during marriage, and in every season of your life.
50:01
Not because you have to earn a relationship. Not because a perfect spiritual
50:05
life guarantees a perfect marriage. but because your walk with God shapes the
50:10
person you bring into that covenant.
50:13
And the same is true for the man you marry. You want a relationship where both
50:18
people are willing to grow,
50:19
where both people can be honest, where both people can admit when they need
50:24
to change, where both people are committed to treating each other with love and respect. That part.
50:31
Where faith isn't just a label attached to the relationship,
50:34
but something that influences the way you actually live, the way you both live.
50:40
Because a man saying he wants a godly marriage is not the same as being prepared to participate in one.
50:46
And neither is a woman saying she wants a godly husband the same as being prepared
50:51
to build a godly marriage.
50:53
Both people have a part to play.
50:56
So let's bring this full circle. Even though I had no idea this episode was
51:01
going to end up being an hour, if you stayed this long, thank you for being in this space with me.
51:07
I just allowed the Holy Spirit to flow, and I guess there was a lot to say, all right?
51:12
So let's bring this full circle real quick. I'm not telling you to throw every
51:17
dating checklist in the trash.
51:20
Some practical standards are helpful. It's good to know what you value. you.
51:25
It's good to pay attention to consistency. It's good to notice whether somebody
51:29
respects your boundaries. It's good to have standards for how you expect to be treated.
51:34
And those things are not a substitute for spiritual maturity.
51:39
A checklist might remind you to look for consistency.
51:43
Spiritual maturity helps you recognize why consistency matters.
51:48
A checklist might tell you to look for a man who communicates.
51:52
Spiritual maturity helps you understand the importance of honesty,
51:56
humility, and being willing to work through difficult conversations.
52:01
A checklist might tell you to look for a man who loves God.
52:04
Spiritual maturity helps you look beyond the label and consider whether his
52:08
life reflects the faith he possesses.
52:12
And spiritual maturity asks you to examine your own heart too.
52:16
Are you becoming more honest, more humble, more teachable, more willing to take
52:21
responsibility, more able to communicate what you need, more willing to recognize
52:27
what your own expectations, fears, or habits need attention.
52:31
Because the goal isn't to become a woman who can identify every possible red flag.
52:36
The goal is to become a woman who can use wisdom, discernment,
52:40
and faith when she encounters the real complexities of relationships.
52:45
You don't need to become suspicious of every man.
52:48
You don't need to interpret every text. You don't need to play games to see
52:52
whether somebody cares.
52:54
And you don't need to abandon your standards or yourself to prove you're a godly woman.
53:01
You can be warm and discerning. You can be hopeful and wise.
53:05
You can be open to love and still take your time getting to know somebody.
53:09
You can love a man without making him an idol and you can walk away from a relationship
53:15
that isn't right for you without believing that your future is ruined.
53:19
That's the freedom I want you to experience, not freedom to do whatever you
53:23
want without consequences freedom from the exhausting need to control every outcome,
53:29
freedom to make decisions from wisdom instead of panic freedom to stop treating
53:34
dating like a game you have to win and freedom to let God keep shaping you into
53:39
the woman he's called you to be.
53:42
So if you're dating right now, I want you to ask yourself a different question this week.
53:47
Instead of only asking, is this man right for me?
53:51
Ask, am I learning to recognize character?
53:55
Am I paying attention to the fruit of his life? Can I be honest about what I'm
54:00
seeing even when it isn't what I hoped for?
54:03
And then ask God, what are you developing in me?
54:07
Not because you need to become perfect before you can be loved,
54:11
but because the way you grow matters.
54:14
If you're waiting, don't spend
54:15
the entire season trying to decode a relationship or predict the future.
54:19
Just keep living, keep growing, keep building your relationship with God.
54:24
And if you're married, don't let this episode become another list of your things
54:27
your spouse needs to fix.
54:29
Let it become an invitation to examine your own heart while also pursuing mutual
54:34
accountability, honesty, and respect.
54:37
Because spiritual maturity isn't about winning an argument.
54:41
It isn't about appearing more godly than the person next to you.
54:45
And it isn't about using scripture to get your way.
54:48
It's about allowing your faith to shape how you live, how you love,
54:53
and how you respond when life doesn't go according to plan.
54:57
Sis, you can know every dating rule on the internet and still struggle to build a relationship.
55:02
You can memorize every green flag and still have growing to do.
55:06
You can want a godly marriage and still need God to work on the way you handle
55:11
conflict, communicate your needs, and take responsibility for your choices. And that's okay.
55:18
We're all growing. The question is whether we're willing to keep growing.
55:23
So stop trying to become the woman who knows every rule. Become the woman who seeks God for wisdom.
55:30
Become the woman who pays attention to character. become the woman who can recognize
55:35
the difference between potential and reality,
55:38
become the woman who can receive correction without shame and set boundaries
55:43
without guilt because the woman who knows that loving somebody doesn't mean losing herself,
55:49
all right we're going to talk about self-abandonment it's actually something we talk about in the book,
55:54
but i want you to remember your spiritual maturity isn't measured by how well
55:59
you can perform the role of a perfect christian woman,
56:03
It's reflected in the fruit of a life that is continually being shaped by God.
56:09
That's the kind of maturity that matters in dating. That's the kind of maturity
56:12
that matters in marriage.
56:14
And that's the kind of maturity that helps you build relationships rooted in truth instead of fear.
56:20
All right, I hope this episode blessed you today. Thank you so much for staying
56:24
around as long as you did.
56:26
I know this episode was quite long, but I was just letting the Holy Spirit flow.
56:30
And here we are one hour later.
56:34
I hope you have a beautiful rest of your week and don't forget to sign up for
56:39
the newsletter. The link is down in the show notes so you know when this book drops.
56:45
Sis, this is your holy rescue and we are going face first into your healing era.
56:52
That is what this book is going to do and I cannot wait to share with you what
56:57
the Holy Spirit and I have been working on.
57:01
I'll see you next Thursday at 5 a.m. Bye for now. Thank you for listening to
57:06
Girl Date the Big App Podcast.