Latest / NO FILTER / LAYLA TAYLOR EXCLUSIVE_ The Truth She Kept Hidden Her Entire Life(MP3_160K)

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LAYLA TAYLOR EXCLUSIVE_ The Truth She Kept Hidden Her Entire Life(MP3_160K) · NO FILTER

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Layla, you came here today because there's something you haven't shared.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: It's something that I have known since I was little.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: It's just something that I honestly didn't really know how
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: to formally address for a long period of my life.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: We're only on this earth for however long we are here,
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: and I'll be damned if I'm not able to be
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: fully who I am.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. My guest today
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: is Lailah Taylor. Many of you know Leila from her
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: show The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, where she shared
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: her journey through motherhood, divorce, dating, and navigating faith in Utah. Today,
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: she's opening up about experiences she hasn't fully shared before
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: and the journey that brought her into a new chapter today.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Please welcome Layla to On Purpose. Laila Taylor, Welcome to
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: On Purpose.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: I am so grateful that here today. People know your work,
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: they know parts of your story, they see you on TV.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: But you came here today because there's something you haven't
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: shared before, and I wanted to give you this space
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: and ask you what's on your heart.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just something that I honestly didn't really know
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: how to formally address for a long period in my life,
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: and that it's I'm gay and I'm by and date
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: women and men, and it's just I think growing up
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: I didn't fit in for a lot of reasons in
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: my childhood. I grew up in a very predominantly white area,
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: and being a little black girl, I already stood out
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: so much to my peers and kind of took that
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: on a lot more than I feel like I realized.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: And I always kind of had these thoughts and I
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: kind of laugh about it now because I would be
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: watching shows like pre Little Liars and I would watch
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: like Shaye Mitchell kissing a girl's like wait, like why
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: is that like hot? But I didn't know like what
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: those feelings were because I didn't have queer representation around
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: me of like I could look at it and be like, okay,
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: like this is normal. And it wasn't necessarily that I
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: had parents or I was warm at one point, but
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: I didn't necessarily have that pressure to not do that.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: I just didn't have people around me that modeled that.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: And it's just it's just something that I for a
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: long time didn't know if it was just a phase
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: or something that you know, maybe I'm just curious and
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: I would just kind of underplay it for a long
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: period of my life, And I don't know. I just
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: feel like I'm finally in the era that I'm over
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: not being truly myself and I'm over not showing every
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: part of Leila to the world. And yeah, I'm very
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: proud to be by and I'm very proud now to
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: be out. And I hope that if anyone's in a
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: situation that I am as well that for a long
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: time there, I didn't know if I could come out
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: and truly be myself. I hope that they can feel
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: safe to do so and proud.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: To do so. First of all, I'm so happy for you.
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: I can't imagine how good it feels to share it
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: out into the world. This is the first time you've
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: talked about it publicly.
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, I'm addressed with it. Yeah.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Why was now the right time for Leila to share this?
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: Honestly, I went through a breakup at the beginning of
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: this year, and I feel like for just a long
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: period of my life, I was constantly living my life
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: for other people. Rather if that was you know, being
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: a mom or I was in a marriage. At one point,
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: I was married, and I just feel like I was
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: always fulfilling other people around me, and it honestly just
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: caused me to never really focus on myself and never
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: be able to like really just sit alone with who
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: I am as a person and my feelings and kind
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: of just really get to the room of why I
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: felt certain ways, and I just kind of always just
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: pushed it aside, and again, just I was just like, oh,
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: this is just like a phase, Like you're not actually
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: attracted to girls, Like you're just you're drunk at a
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: party and you kissed a girl, Like it's no big deal,
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: Like you're not gayic like just ignore that. And I
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: just feel like I just never was in a place
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: that I feel like I could truly authentically focus on it.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: And I think honestly that breakup was like a blessing
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: in disguise, because I feel like now I've been fully
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: able to just focus on Leila and yeah, just focus
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: on who I truly am.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: How does it feel to actually say it out loud
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: and get it off your chest.
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: Good?
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: Honestly, I just feel like it's like, girl, this should
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: have happened forever ago. I don't know why for so
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: long I was so afraid, but it. I mean, there
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: are people that are pubaly gonna judge me, and there's
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: people that aren't going to be supportive of it. And
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: luckily for me, like, I'm in a position that I'm
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: surrounded by so much love and so much support, and
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: I know that I haven't told a lot of people
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: around me that I am, so this is honestly, They're
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: going to be finding out for themselves on this podcast,
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: and I know that they're going to be nothing but
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: supportive though, and I know that's not the case for everybody,
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: And I'm so grateful that I am in the position
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: that I am that I can truly be myself and
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: feel the love and support, and I just wish that
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: was the same.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: For like everyone, Yeah, you're so right. Who's a f person?
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: You told?
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: My best friend Kate Okay, Yeah, we were actually on
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: a trip together for Miami Swim Week and I was
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: getting a text from somebody and she's like, Who's who's
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: this person like texting you and calling all the time,
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: And I was like, oh, like it's no one. At first,
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: she thought it was my ex and I was like, no, like, no,
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: I'm I don't circle back with exes. It's not an
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: ex But I was like and I finally was like, kay,
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: like Kate, I have to I tell you, like it's
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: a girl like I'm by She's like, oh my gosh,
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: like I'm so excited for you, Like that's amazing. So
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: I she was obviously the best person for me to
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: tell first, because she's just she just knows me so well.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: And yeah, she was very supportive.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: It must be so relieving when the first person you
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: tell actually sees you.
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah. I feel like she's like, Okay, awesome, like cool,
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: I know. I just feel like she didn't really like care,
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: not in a.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: Bad way, but she's like okay, awesome, Like I'm glad
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: that you know you're happy.
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: That's all I care about.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Have you shared this with any of the other
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: cost members of Secret Lives.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: No, we've been kind of not in a bad place
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: any of us girls. I know that there's some friendships
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: that are like in different places than they have been
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: in the past, but I think right now we've just
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: been kind of a little separate since just you know,
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: going on that pause from filming and everything like that.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: So I just haven't seen any of them in person,
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: and I feel like me coming out, it's not really
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: like a text of like hey and vie. I feel
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: like I kind of want to see them in person
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: to like let them know so they might see this before,
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: and then I'll talk to them in person the next
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: time I see them.
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: But yeah, right now, no one I went from the group.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: Now, Wow, how do you hope they'll react or do
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: you have no expectations?
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: I think supportive. I don't think that anyone would not be.
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: I think that I lucked out with like a cast.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: That we all have our things and we're all supportive
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: of each other regardless.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: That's actually amazing.
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: It's awesome. I'm really I'm lucky for the group of
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: girls that we have.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's incredible. Tell me about the first time you've
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: realized you were into both men and women.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: I feel like I can't like necessarily pinpoints because those
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: kind of like those memories. I said that I was
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: like watching pil Lows and I was like, okay, like
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: huh or just like you know again, like I would
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: have like drunk moments I would like because girl, but
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: I would again always just downplay it. But it wasn't
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: until recently actually that the girl that I'm talking to
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: right now DMed me and then we met up and
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: we hung out and it was just kind of like
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: that first kiss of like it wasn't this wasn't like
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: a drunk moment, Like this was me intentionally going into
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: a moment knowing how I felt about women and the
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: first time, you know, actively dating a woman that I
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: was like, hey, like this is what I want to
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: do also, so I think it was like that moment
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: that it wasn't just like a ooh, gotcha moment and like, uh,
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: this is where I want to be.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: Wait, did she just send you a DM hoping that
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: you were?
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah? So I actually I liked one of her tiktoks
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: that it was like, I don't even know what it was.
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: I think it was just something it was a third
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: strap or something, and I liked it, and she ended
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: up just sending me like imojis and I was like, hey,
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: so I don't know, she just went on a whim.
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: She told me She's like, I didn't know if he works.
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: I feel like on my page, you can't obviously, I
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: feel like no one would know that I am into
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: girls obviously, not until now.
• 7:57
  Speaker 3: She just kind of went on a whim maybe like
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: the gut feeling. Yeah, I'm really glad you did so
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: that's awesome.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, wow, look at you. That's like, you know, you
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: haven't even got out there yet, that's already. Did you
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: talk about sexuality growing up? Like, was that a conversation
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: in your family and your home?
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: No, not at all.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: I think honestly, that's one of the reasons why I
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: probably got pregnant at such a young age. I got
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: pregnant when I was nineteen, and I feel like it
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: wasn't necessarily something that they avoided because I feel like
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: there was like some moments that they would make small
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: little comments, but they never really sat me down like
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: ever had like a talk about anything.
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: So I kind of just figured out everything on my own.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Wow, when you look back now at that time, what
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: do you wish little Leila had that was different?
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: I think just a little bit more support.
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: I think I spent a lot of my childhood hiding
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: things from my parents because I was just really afraid
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: of like their reactions, just even small small things like
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: I lost my virginity when I was fifteen, and that
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: was something my parents probably still to the state don't
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: even know. And I was very like terrified to tell
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: them like little small details. So even like these, when
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: I started to like have these feelings and have you know,
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: these thoughts, I would have never gone to them and
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: a million years, and I think that's honestly probably why
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: for such a long time I felt like I had
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: to stay closeted because I just didn't have the support
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: system around me that I wish, you know, as a
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: child that I did have.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: And was that around the same time as Mormonism came
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: into your life as well?
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so I converted to the church when I was sixteen.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Wow, what was it about losing a virginity at fifteen
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: and converting at sixteen?
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: I feel like I kind of went through like a
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: I don't even know, just like a phase that I
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: was kind of rebelling a little bit from like probably
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: like fourteen to like right before I converted, And I
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: don't know, it just kind of set me back on
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: track for like a second, but I was still kind
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: of doing I was still like sleeping my boyfriends in
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: high school stuff like that. But it almost just kind
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: of gave me a little bit of like a moral
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: compass I feel like I didn't necessarily have before.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: I can relate to some degree because I got deep
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: into spirituality when I was eighteen years old, and I
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: obviously went and lived as a monk after, but it
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: became part of my life so young. Yeah, I have
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: such a love for the wisdom I learned, and I
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: have such a love for my teachers, but I'm not
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: as much of a fan of the institution. Yeah, And
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: it's just a really interesting experience as I've got older
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: and older and older. I'm older than you, but as
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: I've got older and older and older from that stage,
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: it's just I have such an interesting relationship with that
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: time in my life, and I'm like, what was it
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: that you were seeking? Apart from rebellion? What were you
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: seeking at that time that mormonisn't met or made you feel?
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: I think for me, one of my biggest things just
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: having a very messy childhood where I didn't have that
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: family consistency that like a lot of families did have
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: in the Mormon Church. I feel like I spent a
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: lot of times at my friend's house is kind of
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: avoiding what was going on at home, and I feel
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: like A common theme I would notice between all of
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: them was how strong their families seemed together. So I
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: think just being sixteen and being young and kind of
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: optimistic about the world was like, hey, like I'm missing
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: that one thing that would make me have a happy
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: family one day, and that's being Mormon. So I just
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: it was everyone around me is Mormon. I think ninety
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: eight percent of my school was enrolled in seminary, which
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: is like an hour block in your schedule that you
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: can go and like learn more about the church. So
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: everyone around me is Mormon, just like all that I knew,
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: and I just thought that that was that was the
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: way that you're supposed to live life.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, when you look back on that, what are the
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: lessons that you feel of really improve your life better
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: at your life, things that have stayed, and then the
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: things that you're like I need to unlearn that need
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: to leave that behind.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: I honestly, I feel like I didn't really take a
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: lot away from my experience being Mormon. I think I
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: would go to sacrament meetings and I would try my
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: best to like attend, but I just feel like my
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: heart was never fully in it. I was really only
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: just there to fit in and to just have one
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: less thing that people would notice was different than my peers,
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: you know, like already being black and like, you know,
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: having these thoughts in the back of my head of
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: like liking girls but not wanting to ment it. It was
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: just like one more thing, and I was like, Hey,
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: if I check this box off, I'll fit in a
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: little bit more with everyone around me. So I honestly,
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: I don't feel like I really took a lot out
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: of going to church. I truly would just show up
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: to say that I was there, and yeah, like, but
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: it pulled me out of a really dark place. I
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: was dealing with a lot of mental health issues in
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: high school and obviously dealing with things at home. So
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: it gave me a lot of purpose to kind of
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: keep going and to have motivation that it was going
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: to work out. So I am grateful for the church
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: in a lot of ways, just because it did pull
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: me out of that dark place that I honestly don't
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: think I could have pulled myself out of on my own. Obviously,
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: there's a lot of things within the church that I
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: mean now being openly gay, like obviously that's not something
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: that they're supportive of. So there's a lot of things
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: that like I don't love, and I wasn't obviously aware
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: of them at the time when I was little and converting.
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: But I'll always be grateful for the positive impact of
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: how to.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Me, it's such a natural experience when we're in our
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: teenagers to just want to fit in. Yes, exactly, I
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: just want to belong. To find a place where you
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: don't feel different. Yeah, you don't feel othered, you don't
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: feel like there's something hard to understand about you. And
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: you mentioned then, I know you've talked about it on
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: the show as well, being a black woman in predominantly
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: white areas why experiences. Talk to me about what that
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: experience was like for you, Like, what were the questions
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: in your head or what were the things that you
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: were struggling with grappling with internally.
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: I think I just.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: Didn't have a lot of black peers around me, So
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: it's just all I saw was just pretty blonde girls
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: with blonde hair and blue eyes or green eyes, and
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: I just think being young and very impressionable, that's what
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: I honestly, for a long time, thought that that was
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: the definition of beauty. I truly thought that that was
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: what I needed to look like to fit in and
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: for guys to like me, and all those things, and
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: it was just so sad. I remember one of my
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: worst experiences in high schools. One night, I actually attempted
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: to bleach my skin, which is so sad that I
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: even did that, But I just thought I had to
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: do all these extreme shows to fit in. And I
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: just wish that someone would have just told me that
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: I was pretty and that I was worthy regardless of
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: what color of my skin was. And just because I
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: don't look like people around me doesn't mean that I'm
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: any less than them, honestly. No, But being a mom,
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: I feel like having little boys on my own that
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: look up to me, I'll make sure that they have
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: those affirmations about themselves that like, I wasn't taught and
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: it's just honestly taught me how to be a better mom.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: Talk to me about the process of even trying to
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: bleach your skin, Like, how did that even come about?
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: I just on again, me just being little. I was
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: like ten.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: I thought that if I drew a bath and I
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: put a bunch of bleach in it, and then I
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: sat in the bath and scrubbed, it would like cause
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: my skin to lighten.
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: I just think I was just very young.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: I didn't know how that would work, but just anything
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: I could possibly do to fit in I wanted to
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: try to do.
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: I mean even just like my hair.
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: I went onto this on my show of Me kind
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: of just finally like owning me being black and experimenting
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: with my hair, but my whole entire life growing up,
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: my mom taught me that my curly hair was just
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: hard to manage for her. So the second that she could,
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: she started straightening my hair. And that's all I knew
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: for a long time was just kay to strain your hair, like,
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: don't if it starts to get curly, like straight in
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: it really quick again, Like you don't want people to
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: know that your hair is like actually naturally curly and
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: has texture. And it's something that I hid for a
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: long time. So I just think any part of myself
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: that would show that I was black, I was so
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: afraid to And that breaks my heart to say, but
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: I think it's caused me to do a complete one
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: eighty now being even though it did take me twenty
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: five years to get to this point that I'm so
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: incredibly proud to be black. And to represent a huge
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: community of the world on the show. I feel like
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: I'm in such a unique position being the only black
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: cast member, and I'm just really, really proud to be
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: able to represent a lot of people.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: Talk to me about that journey from was it a
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: sense of shame? Was it or was it just a
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: sense of feeling othered and different? And then how do
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: you even get from going there to actually developing a
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: sense of, as you just so beautifully said, a sense
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: of pride, a sense of representation, a sense of I
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: actually am standing for something and that's more important than
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: fitting in. Talk to me about that journey that you've
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: been on.
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: I mean it was hard.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: I think again, I would just shy away from anything
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: that made me feel different. And I honestly think the
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: biggest shift for me was happy in my own kids
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: because they're a quarter black, but either way, they're still black,
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: and I don't want them to feel the things that
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: I felt and just seeing them and you know, seeing
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: how beautiful they are, and you know, I want them
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: to be proud of themselves and proud of every single
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: part of themselves. And I can't do that if I'm
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: not proud of me and I think that was where
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: the big shift for me happened.
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: And yeah, I mean it was a hard thing.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: I remember the first time I wore a wig, I
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: was like, oh my take it off, Like I hate this,
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: Like just it felt so foreign to me. But I
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: think the more I've been doing it, and the more
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: I've just been fully just loving myself, I like love
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: it and I love, you know, just owning me fully.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: I love hearing about how your kids have inspired you
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: to to want to stand on your own yea two
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: feet and really represent who you want to be and
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: what you believe in, and for them to experience that.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: And it's fascinating how when you're caring for a little
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: person there's almost like all of these lessons and reflections
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: that almost make sense almost immediately.
• 16:55
  Speaker 3: I feel like it just honestly alters the way you
• 16:58
  Speaker 3: just handle life and you go for and just yeah,
• 17:01
  Speaker 3: it changes the way you think about a lot of things.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: You got pregnant at nineteen, what was your emotion like
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: when you first find out?
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: Oh, terrified. I actually have kind of like it's funny now.
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: In the moment, it was not funny. I was obviously
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: not being safe with my boyfriend, now or ex husband now,
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: and I knew what you know, would potentially happen if
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: we weren't being you know, safe, but I didn't.
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: Think it was a possibility that I would actually be pregnant.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: And I went to an urgent care because I thought
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: I had some type of weird stomach bug, and they're like,
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: is there a possibility that you're pregnant? I was like, no,
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: there's there's like literally no way I'm pregnant, Like no.
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: No, that wouldn't happen. And I ended up testing me.
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: That's how I found out.
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: It was in an urgent care on my own, by
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: myself in Provo, Utah, and it was the most terrifying
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: day of my life. At that point. I didn't have
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: a lot of family support. I was kind of not
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: isolated in Utah. But my boyfriend at the time was
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: like all I really like had, so when I found
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: out was like, okay, Like I don't know what I'm
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: going to do at that point, Like I didn't know
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: if like I should move forward with pregnancy. I don't
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: know if I should put the baby up for adoption.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: I didn't know if I should marry this guy I
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: date this I didn't know what to do. I think
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: I had so many questions in my head and didn't
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: know how to proceed. But they changed my life both
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: my kids for the better, and I'm so so grateful
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: to be their mom. But it's definitely a terrifying experience
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: to get pregnant when you don't really have the support
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: around you at such like a young age.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: How did you decide that marriage was the option and
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: not to actually open yourself up to other experiences or explore.
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: In my head, I felt like I almost messed up
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: some steps by getting pregnant before we are married. That
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: I was like, hey, at least, like let me give
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: my family like a chance of us being together. I
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: think coming from a broken household and experiencing divorce and
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: kind of the very toxic dynamic my parents had growing
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: up with each other, I wanted the opposite of that
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: for my kids, and I think just being so terrified
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: of being a single mom, I was like, hey, like
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: I have to marry him and I'm a single mom.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: So obviously at dinnert, you know, pan out exactly how
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: I was envisioned me in it too. But I'm still
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: happy that we gave it a shot.
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: I think that.
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: Obviously, you know, divorce isn't easy and it's not fun.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: But if we wouldn't have gotten married, I wouldn't have
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: had my second baby. So I think everything happens for reason.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: Big news, Juny just launched a Kroger and we're celebrating
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: with a free can for you. Because most of us
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: hit that point in the afternoon when our energy dips
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: and our focus starts to fade. Well, that's exactly why
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: we created Juny, a sparkling drink crafted with natural ingredients
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: to lift your mood, sharpen your focus, and give you
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: smooth energy or without the crash. Now available at Kroger
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: stores including Ralph's, fred Meyer, King, Sooper's, Smith's, and Fries,
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: where you can grab a free Juni on us. So
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: head to Drinkjuni dot com, forward slash Kroger to claim
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: your free can in store so you can feel better
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: and live better. It feels like you've lived so much life, Yeah,
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: in like such a short amount of time, whether it's conversion,
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: whether it's becoming a mom, whether it's moving from dating
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: to marriage, like there's so many I mean when you
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: look back on it now, do you kind of go, God,
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: how did I even do all of that? Oh?
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Sometimes I'm like, I don't know how I'm still standing,
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: but I think it made me who I am. I
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: wouldn't take back anything that I've experienced in my life.
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: I feel like, truly, I've been put through those challenges
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: to be able to help other people. I say this
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: all the time, but I feel like having a platform,
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: you're put in a position that you couldn't use your
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: platform for good or bad. And truly, if I'm able
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: to just help one person by sharing my story, I
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: feel like that's why I do what I do. And yeah,
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: I'm just everything has led me to where I am today,
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: and I want to change the thing.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you've said that at one point your marriage became manipulative.
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: Was that something that was always there and you kind
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: of ignored it and didn't notice it. Was it something
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: that kind of came later on.
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: No, Unfortunately, we had a very toxic relationship from the start.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: I just think that we never really knew each other
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: on a deeper level. I think it was very surface
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: level for a long time, and then when we got pregnant,
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: it was just kind of we felt like we had
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: to get married. Like I said, and I just think
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: we never had the proper foundation of a relationship to
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: be able to, you know, withstand being married and you know,
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: taking on challenges that you obviously that occur when you're married.
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: So I think it was always there, But I'm so
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: scared of being a single mom that I was like, Hey,
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: this is this is what I have to do, like
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: make your husband happy, you know, take care of the home,
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: have the babies, take care of the babies. And that's
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: kind of all that I was doing for that time
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: that I was married.
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: So I just think I ignored everything.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: You were saying a few moments ago that you didn't
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: want to be a single mom, that's why. And you
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: were like, I deserve to give this a shot, which
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: is why you got married.
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: I can't then fathom how hard it was when you're like, well,
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: this isn't working, it's toxic, it's manipulative, but the only
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: other option is being single. What was the final straw
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: that made you go, no, it's okay to accept this
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: fib The reason I'm asked thing is there's a beautiful
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: piece of zend wisdom that says that we've rather accept
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: the pain we know than the pain we don't, and
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: so the pain you have right now, when it's toxic
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: and manipulative, it's like, well, that's better than leaving and
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: being alone. And a lot of people stay in jobs,
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: relationships with parents, family for so much longer. Do you
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: think you stayed too long? And what made you shift? Finally?
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: What was it that really made you go? I'm willing
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: to accept the uncertainty.
• 22:29
  Speaker 3: I honestly, I don't think I stayed for too long.
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: I feel like I truly wanted to step away from
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: the marriage knowing that I gave it my all and
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: attempted as much as I could to you know, put
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: in place more healthy copy mechanisms when we're going through
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: fights and like all these things. I feel like I
• 22:44
  Speaker 3: just wanted to make sure that, like, I really gave
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: it my all. And I think my final shot was
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: just the word divorce would be held over my head
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: a lot, and I think he just knew that that
• 22:53
  Speaker 3: was my biggest fear, coming from a broken household and
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: seeing that happen in front of me as a little girl.
• 22:57
  Speaker 3: I think that that was just hair for me, that concept,
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: and it was kind of a way to get me
• 23:03
  Speaker 3: to fall into line of like where I think he
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: wanted me to behave and I think he just said
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: it for the final time that I was like, I
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: can't keep begging you to stay with me. I know
• 23:12
  Speaker 3: my worth and I know that like I am a
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: good partner, and if you can't see that, then like
• 23:16
  Speaker 3: it's okay, And I'll always have a place for him
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: in my heart. I think that he is a phenomenal dad.
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: It's really one of the best dads I've ever seen,
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: and witnessing him love my boys is amazing. But I
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: think in terms of just us working out as a partner,
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: it just wasn't for us.
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: But yeah, what was his reaction when you told him that?
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: Like the he was actually the one that brought it up,
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: And normally I would kind of fight back and I
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: was like, no, don't do this, Like let's talk this out,
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: like let's go to therapy, let's do this, let's do that.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: But he just said it for the final time that
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: I was like, okay, yeah, like you're right, probably go
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: pack your stuff and we'll start to figure out like
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: the next step. So I think his reaction wasn't what
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: he expected me to do. I think he normally he
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: was just used to me just begging and groveling and
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: wanting this to work and all the things. So I
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: think when I finally was like, you're right, like let's
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: make this happen, I think it probably caught him off guard.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: But I mean, I think she had to have known
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: deep down, like enough would have been enough at some point.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: Gosh, when you finally left and were a single mom,
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: how did it feel compared to how you thought you
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: would feel to be free?
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: I think there was so much good around it, Like
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: I wasn't in a toxic relationship, and you know, like
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: me and my babies got like this fun little night
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: routine that we would do every night. But there was
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: also so much hard things that came at the beginning
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: of my single motherhood journey.
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: Tell me about this.
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I didn't for a little bit there. I didn't
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: have an income.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: This was before the show came to be and before
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: I started making money on brandials. And there was time
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: periods that I was borrowing money from family and I
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: would be grocery shopping and I would buy thirty dollars
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: worth the groceries for the whole week, and my kids
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: would get food, but I would eat like their scraps
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: after they ate, because I couldn't afford to buy that,
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: and I was getting eviction notices plopped on my door.
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: And this is right around the time we started filming
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: for the show. So while all this was happening behind
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: the scenes, and I was terrified to let anyone know
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: because I was so embarrassed that I was like mad
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: at myself. I was like, you should have just stayed married.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: At least at least married, you had food on the table,
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: at least married, your lights weren't getting shut off. At
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: least married, you could pay your rent. So it was
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: almost like a shame thing that I was, why did
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: you do this? You should have just stayed with him,
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: because now look at you now. And I was trying
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: to almost keep up a sod because I was just
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: embarrassed to tell the girls. I don't honestly even think
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: that some of them know this to this day of
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: like how badly I was struggling at the beginning, and
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: then I was showing up to filming every day trying
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: to stop this mile on my face, not letting anyone
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: know what was happening behind the scenes. So I think, yeah,
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: my start of single motherhood was not good, and I'm very,
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: very grateful to be in the position that I am now.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: I can't even put into words how greatful I am
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: for the show and for the people around me, like
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: my team that you know, they believed in me from
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: the start and had been by my side throughout all
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: of this.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: It.
• 25:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it was definitely a rocky start, but grateful for
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: it though. It taught me a lot.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: God, I had no idea. Yeah, I mean, you're saying
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: it with a smile on your face right now, but.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it just taught me a lot, and
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: it taught me to be very very grateful for what
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: I have. I will never ever take for granted the
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: position that I'm in. I think it will never feel real,
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: even just doing small things that coming today to do
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: this podcast and being able to buy a flight for myself,
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: that's something that you know, when I was at the start,
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: a single motherhead, I what it had never been able
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: to do. And yeah, I just I am just so
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: so grateful, And I feel like that's why I'm able
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: to look at it, you know positively now, is that
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: I've seen how hard it can be and I'm just
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: really grateful that I got to the other side.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: Talk to me about a night during that time, which
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: was the worst night, like the memory that when you
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: think about it, you are at rock bottom.
• 26:52
  Speaker 3: I don't even know.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: There's just so many nights that I've just sit there
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: just thinking and questioning how I was going to keep
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: going for the boys. And there are times that like
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: I was debating, just texting my ex and me like hey,
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: like I needed to like take the kids, and I
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: might need to go move in with my sister. Like
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: I just at that point, I didn't know how to
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: continue on the road that I was on, and it
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: was scary because all I wanted to do was just
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: be a mom for them and to show up for them,
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: because that's what they deserve. They're in a set little babies.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: They deserve to like not have to worry about where
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: their next meal was coming from. And it was hard
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: and was scary because I just also just didn't want
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: to tell anyone around me because it was just a
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: lot of embarrassment and I shouldn't have been embarrassed. I
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: wish I would have asked for help from more people,
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: but I think I'm such a not prideful person. But
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: it's just so hard for me to ask for help.
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: I think growing up I never asked for help from
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: like my parents for small things. When I was dealing
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: with my mental health issues, I really had no idea.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: When I was dealing with my eating sword issues, I
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: had no idea. So I think I've just been like
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: Ingrain since a little girl to just kind of like
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: shut your mouth and suck it up and it'll maybe
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: work out. And yeah, I think, just yeah, there's just
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: a lot of nights of just I didn't know how
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: I was gonna move forward.
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you for sharing that. I mean, I feel
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: like we don't realize how easy it is to end
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: up in a position like that and how difficult it is,
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: And that's why so many of us will stay longer
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: in relationships or wherever we are, because the alternative is
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: a path that you're like, why did I do this
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: to myself? Like? Why am I putting myself through this pain?
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: When did you start to be open to the idea
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: of dating again and meeting someone new and how were
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: you starting to navigate that.
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: Honestly, I dated pretty quickly after me and my ex separated.
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: I think for a long period of my life I
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: used to seek validation and other people really bad. And
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: I think it was almost like because I had those
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: you know, those abandonment wounds that I know suffered from
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: from when I was a little girl, I just always
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: put myself worth into how other people viewed me and
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: how other people perceived me, and I think I would
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: put that a lot to my partners. So I just
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: feel like I never really knew how to be alone,
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: and that, honestly, it would like scare me, like I
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: don't have someone that I can like rely on all
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: the time. Not even just like you know, physically or
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: like you know, financially, it's more just like emotional, Like
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. I
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: didn't want to be alone in general. And I think
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: I would just always jump into relationships and I feel
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: like I would see comments on life people like, oh,
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: just she's in their relationship every other season, Like I actually, like,
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: you guys are right for that. Honestly, there's a long
• 29:20
  Speaker 2: period of my life that I just felt like I
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: couldn't be alone with myself, and that's you know, that
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: led me to not be able to be authentic to
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: me because I didn't know who I was for such
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: a long time.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: Do you think you feel more comfortable being alone now?
• 29:35
  Speaker 3: Oh?
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like I honestly value my alone time.
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: I feel like that's how I've been able to come,
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: you know, to the conclusion and you know, finally accept
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: that I am by and I wouldn't have been able
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: to do that if I was with somebody.
• 29:48
  Speaker 3: So I really do value my alone time.
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: I feel like it's given me a lot of perspective
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: and just yeah, being able to find out who I am.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: What was it about being alone that gave you that
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: confidence to look within and actually be comfortable with saying
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: that out loud?
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think again, just not living for other people
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: and just being able to fully focus on me. And
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: I don't know, I just feel like, yeah, just not
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: having to do things for other people's approval, I feel
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: like really helped me.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah. It's only when you switch off all the noise
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: from outside that you can actually hear your inner voice.
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: And then when it gets louder, you realize, oh, that's
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: what I should have been listening to all along, not
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: listening to all of these other opinions and ideas and
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: expectations and everything else everyone wants me to do. But
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: You're so right. You have to find that alone time.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: And I often ask people how many months in their
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: life they've actually spent alone. And when I say alone,
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: I don't mean dating, pursuing with some I mean but
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: you weren't thinking about that. Yeah, And it's quite shocking
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: to me that if you speak to another adult, they'll
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: be they'll be like weeks, like people are constantly looking
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: for relationships or in one and you don't actually get
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: this space to do what you just said.
• 31:03
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's it's hard to be alone.
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: And it's hard to be like alone with your thoughts
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: and to be able to just feel emotions, especially like
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: post breakup. There's people that you know rebound and do
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: those things to kind of like, you know, mute those
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: thoughts that you have and all those things. And yeah,
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: I just think that's fairly. It's really good to be
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: alone to.
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: One of the storylines on the show is this idea
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: that you're not satisfied by your male sexual partners. YEA,
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: was that difficult to say out loud? Like were you
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: scared to?
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: I Honestly, when I said it in the moment, I
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: was just I forget that the cameras are there half
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: of the time and I'll just be like, I'm just
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: like with my girls and I just shared something. I
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: didn't think it would have the impact that it did
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: until the season came out, and I had so many
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: dms of women being like I haven't and thank you
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: for sharing this and making me feel less, you know,
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: alone in that situation. And yeah, I just didn't think
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: it was going to be such a big thing for
• 31:55
  Speaker 2: me to share, and probably a good thing that.
• 31:58
  Speaker 3: I didn't realize on the moment. I probably been like,
• 32:00
  Speaker 3: oh my god, no, wait, cut that.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: But I'm I'm glad that I did because I feel
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: like it opened up a really big conversation for people
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: that adult that to me.
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: About that wide a conversation because I think it's almost
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: like all those men are gonna feel terrible about themselves.
• 32:13
  Speaker 3: Obviously, Yeah, I mean it wasn't. I did get some.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: Comments like that, ut people being like, oh, like I
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: feel so bad for her exies and like that wasn't
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: my intentions to like, of course throw them under the bus,
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: yeah and be like, yeah, you like never made me.
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: It was more of just like kind of breaking that
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: taboo that I think, especially I don't know if everyone
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: feels this way. But I think for me dating men
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: for so long, I would view sex as I needed
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: to make sure the man always was pleasured every single time,
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: and like I don't really matter as long as like
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: they're good and taken care of them, like it's good
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: and like that's all in my head. I thought sex
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: was for such a long time, and it opened up
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: that conversation. I feel like a lot of people felt
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: the same way, and.
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's such a fascinating conversation because of how patriarchal
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: society is wide to us, how porn is wired ass
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: a lot of that is so wired that way and
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: geared that way that sadly it naturally ends up resulting
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: in how we feel sex is in real life. And
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: I think men are kind of trained in that way
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: and conditioned to think that, and then, like you said,
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: women end up getting trained that way, yeah, and then
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: you end up in this position where until someone calls
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: it out.
• 33:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah. And I didn't realize that it was like a thing.
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: I just I was like, I didn't even know what
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: it felt like because I have never experienced that. And
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: knowing that, like people are like, oh no, like my boyfriend,
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: make sure that every single time I do, I'm like,
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: what are you talking about? Like I just never experienced
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: that because I just didn't think that that's how it worked.
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: And I think it also relates back to what I
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: said earlier, like I didn't have like the birds in
• 33:44
  Speaker 2: the bee conversation with my parents, Like I didn't know
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: how any of that worked.
• 33:48
  Speaker 3: And I think that.
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: Probably led to that as well, of me just having
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: like this preconceived idea of what sex was in my
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: head for such a long time.
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: It's almost like when you were pregnant from having sex
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: with the first time you actually.
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: Honestly yeah, because like I knew what it was, like,
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: I know like how sex should like end, but like
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: I just didn't know like the details.
• 34:09
  Speaker 3: I guess yeaeah.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Sex education in America obviously, yeah, at school, Like
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: it's I think about that all the time. I'm just like,
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: how is it that it's taught so poorly in schools
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: and no one really has a clue.
• 34:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I didn't get any sex side classes right up?
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: Oh you didn't, not at all, not one.
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: So I think it's just because of where No.
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: I think maybe where I grew up, it was again
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: like very predominantly Mormon, and I just think that again,
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: people a lot of people think that if you don't
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: address it, then like people won't be curious about it.
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: But I think if anything, at at least from me
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: and my perspective being you know, very young and having
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: sex for the first time, I think it made me
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: more curious, if anything. So I think me going now
• 34:53
  Speaker 2: being a parent, like I want to address these things
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: with my kids and address and be like we're all
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: going to have those urges, and like, this is what
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: you do if you're in this situation, like teach them
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: how to have safe sex.
• 35:02
  Speaker 3: And all the things.
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: So again, I think all my experiences in life have
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: just really led me to rewire my brain on how
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: I want to be a parent, and hopefully you know,
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: other people same thing, because I think, yeah, my faults,
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: not that they're faults, but I think those experiences have
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: led me to want to kind of do things dieparently.
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: What's the Mormon approach to sex?
• 35:23
  Speaker 3: Don't have it until you're married, Okay, yeah, yeah, but
• 35:26
  Speaker 3: then still kind of the point of sex a little
• 35:28
  Speaker 3: bit when your Mormon is just to procreate, right, not
• 35:31
  Speaker 3: really for the enjoyment. I don't know, maybe some people
• 35:34
  Speaker 3: would like argue differently with that, but I know, like
• 35:36
  Speaker 3: a lot of members of the church that don't even
• 35:38
  Speaker 3: have like toys or like they things like that, Like
• 35:40
  Speaker 3: they it's just literally just to make babies for some people,
• 35:43
  Speaker 3: which is unfortunate because I think it's you know, a
• 35:45
  Speaker 3: great thing. And so do.
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: People actually follow through with that with like, are there
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: are people in the church actually stay strict to that?
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: I think so yeah, Like there are a lot of people,
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: I know, you know, the first time they have sex
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: is when they get married, and they get pregnant really
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: fast and all the things, which I also think is,
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: you know, that's what we're taught is to just make babies.
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: So I saw in a lot of religious institutions the
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: opposite where it was there was the rule of no
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: sex before marriage, and then there was the same as
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: what you're saying, only for procreation, but the majority of
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: people were still having sex. They just won't tell anyone.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: So then there was like this shame and guilt attached
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: to it, and everyone's pretending but saying that they're not
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: because that's what the standard is. And it's fascinating to
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: me how you kind of get stuck in these anti
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: authenticity loops where you think you're being authentic because you're
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: trying to live up to this ideal, but then no
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: one's actually living up to them or all pretending we are.
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: So I've always found it so interesting how humans because
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: this isn't about it actually isn't about religion or God.
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: It's how humans can gather to kind of set a standard,
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: and people either pretend to live up to the standard
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: or they don't know what to do with it.
• 37:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and they fake it, kind of keeping up of
• 37:02
  Speaker 3: the Joneses.
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: I feel like it's like a phrase that we have
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: in Utah that everyone, you know, we all have our
• 37:07
  Speaker 2: secrets and like our things that we don't share, and
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: it's just kind of to keep that facade that you,
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: you know, are this perfect member.
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, when did you let go of that wanting to
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: be the perfect member?
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: I haven't been active probably for four or five years now,
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: But when I was married, me and my ex would
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: go sometimes like here and there, but we weren't really
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: active members either. It was again kind of the same
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: thing to kind of keep the facade up then, you know,
• 37:33
  Speaker 2: keep with what we thought we had to do.
• 37:35
  Speaker 3: But when we separate it. I was like, okay, like
• 37:38
  Speaker 3: I finally am like I am able to not have
• 37:40
  Speaker 3: to keep up the facade that I know that I
• 37:43
  Speaker 3: truly don't believe in, which was Yeah, that was nice.
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: How did you decide that you were finally ready to
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: start dying women?
• 37:51
  Speaker 2: I don't know, like there's like an exact moment that
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: I remember, Like it just like dawned on me. I
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: think just it felt right.
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: But did you feel like there was you said earlier,
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: like there was this sense of like you should have
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: done this the whole time? Yeah, Like is there a
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: sense of like lost time or that I held myself back.
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: I think everything played out how like it was supposed to.
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: I think obviously I wish I would have, you know,
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: came out a lot sooner. But I also think I
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: was going through so much that it would have been
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: still swept under drug like it did for so long.
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: I just think a lot of things just were not
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: more important in that moment, but just took precedence a
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: little bit, like becoming a single mom and like things
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: that I dealt with in childhood and all those things.
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: I just think it just never felt like the right
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: time to like just dive into it. And I think, honestly,
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: just like the concept of coming out in general is
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: just kind of something that I've never really understood. And obviously,
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: like I can hold space for people that like are
• 38:54
  Speaker 2: taught either in their homes or like in their religions
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: that you know, love is between a man and a woman.
• 39:00
  Speaker 3: But I think the concept that.
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: We're all just born straight is something that like I've
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: never been able to fully like conceptualize and coming out
• 39:06
  Speaker 2: and just having to say, like I like girls and boys.
• 39:08
  Speaker 2: It's just I never could see myself like sitting down
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: at a podcast and saying this. But I also understand
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: like the position that I'm in that there's so many
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: people that look up to me and maybe you know,
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: resonate with my story and if I can help someone
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: feel just more comfortable to be able to be true
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: to themselves, and I want to do that. But yeah,
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: I feel like I just never could picture myself like
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: coming out in this way. I just thought that maybe
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: I would just show up with the girl into and
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: people would be like oh, and I'd.
• 39:31
  Speaker 3: Be like, yeah, what about it?
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: But yeah, so I just think I just never had
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: like an idea in my head of like when it
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: was going to happen.
• 39:37
  Speaker 3: I just think I just always thought it was going
• 39:39
  Speaker 3: to happen at some point.
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: What was your biggest fear in your mind with what
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: it would feel like to come out? Like, what was
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: the thing that you were Like, I keep getting close.
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah I'm about to say it, I'm about to act
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: on it, but I this keeps plugging me.
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: I think it was just so foreign for me because I,
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: you know, dated for ment for so long, my whole
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: entire life, and that's.
• 39:59
  Speaker 3: All I knew.
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: Like I obviously had like you know, experiences with women,
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: but like I never in depth, you know, got to
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: know a woman on like a intimate level and all
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: those things. So I think for me for so long,
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: it was just very foreign and scary. But I think,
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: you know, you can't get over that without getting through it.
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: And I think I just was like, hey, like you
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: know that you are stop being like scared of like
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: the what ifs and like the unknown and just you
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: could just got to dive in.
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: So what surprised you about getting women connect to men?
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: Oh gosh, everything not like surprised me with like already
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: just like more like emotionally aware about certain things and
• 40:41
  Speaker 2: very patient. I feel like, at least who I'm talking
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: to right now, she's just been very understanding and kind
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: of letting me take this at my own pace because
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: it is just still foreign to me and it is
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: still so new. And yeah, I just think the level
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: of like understanding and just like being there for me.
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, how do you feel about certain people who may disagree,
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: may not be happy about it, may have different views,
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: like I'm sure you've thought about that and had to
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: think about it, oh for sure, so public and.
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I have tried to like play by
• 41:14
  Speaker 2: the books, you know, in certain ways. I feel like
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: looking back on like my experience even on the show,
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: I feel like season one and season two, I tried
• 41:20
  Speaker 2: so hard to do everything right and I still had
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: people that hated me, and now, you know, being more
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: vocal and being more outspoken, I still have people that
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: hate me. And I just think we're only on this
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: earth for, you know, however long we are here. And
• 41:34
  Speaker 2: I'll be damned if like I'm not able to be
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: fully who I am And if you don't like that,
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: then that's okay. And I can understand if like you
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: were raised a certain way and you have certain values
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: and standards maybe, But I think for me, I just yeah,
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: I just it shouldn't bug you if people choose to
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: love whoever.
• 41:52
  Speaker 3: They want to love. I think it's just it's nobody's
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: nobody's business at the end of the day.
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, Is is there any of it that does affect
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: you get through to you? I know, I know for me,
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: there's always there's always something that kind of just like
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: creeps through and you're like, oh, man, like I just
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: I wish, like I always say, I wish I could
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: sit everyone down and tell them what my intention was
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: and how I feel and who I am, and if
• 42:16
  Speaker 1: they got to spend like an hour with me, then
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: maybe they'd feel different. But is there anything that ever
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: just like gets to you sometimes and you're like, oh,
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: this keeps me up at night.
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: I think the only insult that people can ever say
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: to me that like actually like it's like, oh that
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: hurt a little bit is anything to do with parenting.
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: I think that's like the one thing that I'm like,
• 42:32
  Speaker 2: I'm so protective over my baby. So that's something that
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: like I didn't get growing up, and I think that's
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: the one thing that will always just kind of hit
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: home as if someone says something about like my parenting,
• 42:42
  Speaker 2: I think everything else like looks. Say what you want
• 42:45
  Speaker 2: to say. Now if I'm being gay and that offends you,
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: say what you want to say. But I'm like, my babies,
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: don't say anything about them ever.
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel and I feel like the internet is
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: good at talking about everyone's babies and mothering mothers, like
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: my motherhood. I feel like it's so I can't imagine
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: how hard that is as a mom or a dad
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: or a parent. Like, I can't imagine how difficult that
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: is because everyone's kind of telling you that this is
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: the right way and that's wrong. And yeah, I mean
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: that seems exhausting.
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think parenting is just it's such a one
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: off experience for every single person, Like every child is different,
• 43:20
  Speaker 2: every parent's different, and there's no textbook for how to
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: parent properly. There's no textbooks of how to handle situations
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: of you know, how to just be a parent. It's hard,
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: it's it's challenging every single day. It teaches me new
• 43:33
  Speaker 2: things about myself that I didn't even know before. And yeah,
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: I think that's the one thing that I'm like, just
• 43:38
  Speaker 2: parents were doing our best and Ultimately, just as long
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: as your kid's health and you know, mental health is
• 43:45
  Speaker 2: being protected in the day and they're happy and healthy,
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: that's all that matters.
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: So you've mentioned that for your kids right now, You've
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: talked about health and mental health a couple of times
• 43:52
  Speaker 1: that what do you do for yours and your kids
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: health and mental health? Like what are the priorities?
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: Definitely a lot of affirmation. I didn't really hear a
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: lot of that growing up. I feel like I honestly
• 44:04
  Speaker 2: had very negative self worth. I don't think I know
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: I had very negative self worth for a long time
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: because I felt like I heard the opposite lot growing up,
• 44:11
  Speaker 2: even just small things like my mom would be looking
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: in the mirror and she's like, oh, I'm so fat
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: or this, or my dad would say you know me
• 44:17
  Speaker 2: and calms to my mom. So I just feel like
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: I never heard positive self talk about themselves or others
• 44:22
  Speaker 2: around them. And I think my biggest thing for my
• 44:24
  Speaker 2: boys that we do like affirmations that like I have
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: them sit in front of the mirror and say like
• 44:27
  Speaker 2: I'm handsome, and I'm smart, and I'm loved and I've
• 44:29
  Speaker 2: cared for and like all these things that kind of
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: just like set their mind already of just being grateful
• 44:35
  Speaker 2: and loving themselves. I think that that's just so important,
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: and that honestly can set you up for success in
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: your life and so many ways, whether that's you know,
• 44:44
  Speaker 2: your career path, school, confidence in sports, you know, confidence
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: in relationships, just so many things. I just think that
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: uplifting yourself is so so important and so undervalued.
• 44:55
  Speaker 3: And I just.
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: Think that that's like my biggest thing of my boys,
• 44:58
  Speaker 2: that I just want them to love them sel and
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: love everyone around them and.
• 45:02
  Speaker 3: Just be good people.
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: That makes sense. And when you said self worth, I
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: was wondering, talk to me about the moments in your
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: life where you experience a low self worth.
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: A lot of it stemmed from, like I mentioned, just
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: growing up just being the only black kid in a
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: room full of thirty students and I'm the only only
• 45:19
  Speaker 2: kid there that's black. I think that's triggered a lot
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: in me just not valuing myself and my individuality. But
• 45:26
  Speaker 2: I think also I struggled with an eating disorder throughout
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: high school, and then it resurfaced here about probably a
• 45:34
  Speaker 2: year ago, and I feel like I'm kind of in
• 45:35
  Speaker 2: remission from it right now, and I'm really really proud
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: of myself for getting that to that point again. But
• 45:40
  Speaker 2: I think I've always had a very jaded perspective of
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: you know, my worth and my image and all those things.
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: And I think I'm finally in the position that I
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: am realizing that, like again, those those negative self talks
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: can affect my children and they view their mommy as
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: beautiful and kind then, you know, all these good things.
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: And I want to be able to say those things
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: about myself back. And I try to look at myself
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: as like a little girl that I would never like
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: see a little girl saying there and be like you're ugly,
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: or you're fat, or no one likes you at school,
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: Like I would never do that. So I try to
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: talk to myself as if I was like that little girl.
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: I have such a concern for young women right now,
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: especially in terms of what they're exposed to online, the
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: name calling, the criticism of women's bodies. It just feels
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: like we're going backwards, like we haven't gone in the
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: right direction. And I can't imagine what it feels like
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: to be a mom and have kids, and whether they're
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: young boys or young girls or young children that are
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: having to grow up right now and be exposed to
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: all of that. I'm like, I'm sure you feel so protective,
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: but also what do you do?
• 46:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it's inevitable. But hopefully setting up with
• 46:54
  Speaker 3: the right tools to handle those things properly, I think
• 46:58
  Speaker 3: is what I'm trying to do for my kids. I
• 47:00
  Speaker 3: think I don't think I would have maybe not experienced
• 47:03
  Speaker 3: the things that I would have or I did.
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: I mean either it tway. I couldn't change the circumstances
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: of where I grew up. But if I had those,
• 47:08
  Speaker 2: you know, coping mechanisms that were healthy, I think I
• 47:11
  Speaker 2: would have been able to overcome those a lot better
• 47:13
  Speaker 2: than I did. So I think just being able to
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: instill those my boys and you know, and everyone, I
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: think that that's how you get through those things, is
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: just being able to have the proper tools to handle them.
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it sounds like you're investing in all the right
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: stuff and then you can help.
• 47:28
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: What I find phenomenon is just it just shows us
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: that as soon as you feel responsible for someone else,
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: you've realized how valuabil it is what you put in
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: your mind, your body and everything else. Right, Like, that's
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: what it comes from. As soon as you realize that
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: your actions affect someone else, you start to take so
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: much more accountability and responsibility for everything you eat, consume, read,
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: listen to.
• 47:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, honestly, even though even on that too, like having
• 47:58
  Speaker 2: a platform as well, I think that they're so many
• 48:00
  Speaker 2: you know, young womenmen that watch our pages and watch
• 48:03
  Speaker 2: the show, and I wouldn't want to affect them and
• 48:08
  Speaker 2: have my poor choices affect them as well, and they,
• 48:11
  Speaker 2: you know, mirror those. So I think being in the
• 48:13
  Speaker 2: position that we are, all of us women on the show,
• 48:16
  Speaker 2: I think that again, using our platforms for good is
• 48:19
  Speaker 2: it's beneficial for like a lot of people.
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what's your If you could say this is what
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: I want to use my platform for right now, what
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: would you say it is?
• 48:27
  Speaker 2: I think owning single motherhood and being proud to be
• 48:31
  Speaker 2: a single mom, owning being a black woman, owning being
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: a woman, and now owning.
• 48:39
  Speaker 3: Being a by woman.
• 48:41
  Speaker 2: So yeah, I think just being truly authentic to like
• 48:44
  Speaker 2: who yourself. I hope that that's what people take away
• 48:46
  Speaker 2: from my page.
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, have you spoken to your partner and potentially even
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: your children about your new relationship?
• 48:54
  Speaker 2: They aren't really involved with it, right, now, I think
• 48:58
  Speaker 2: obviously I'm still kind of exploring and kind of trying
• 49:02
  Speaker 2: to navigate this so until I feel more steady, because
• 49:06
  Speaker 2: it's not like I'm going to change my mind, like
• 49:07
  Speaker 2: I know that I am. I think I'm just going
• 49:10
  Speaker 2: to kind of just handle it on my own until, yeah,
• 49:14
  Speaker 2: until the time feels more right.
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that what's co parenting? Like in the situation
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: you were talking about how your ex is a great
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: dad and so good to the boys, Like, what does
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: that setup look like for you? Right now?
• 49:25
  Speaker 2: We're just finally in a place that the motions have
• 49:28
  Speaker 2: died down, you know, the initial adjustment period of like
• 49:32
  Speaker 2: getting into a good swing of things with co parenting
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: has finally like set in. And I think that at
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: least I can say from my behalf, I just I
• 49:38
  Speaker 2: want the best for him, And I think we're in
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: a really good place with co parenting that we just
• 49:44
  Speaker 2: we want the boys to be happy, and we're doing that,
• 49:48
  Speaker 2: you know, coincide next to each other, and I think that, Yeah,
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: we're in like a good rhythm, which is nice.
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah. If there's someone who's listening right now and they're
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: struggling to come out, they're struggling to leave a toxic relationship,
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: what would you say to them?
• 50:04
  Speaker 2: I think for me personally, I think I've just been
• 50:07
  Speaker 2: in survival mode, like my whole entire life. Rather if
• 50:09
  Speaker 2: it was surviving my childhood, surviving becoming a single mom,
• 50:14
  Speaker 2: surviving now single motherhood, surviving my eating disorder, surviving just
• 50:18
  Speaker 2: all these things, I just feel like I've just constantly
• 50:20
  Speaker 2: been in fight or flight. And life is not meant
• 50:22
  Speaker 2: to just be survived. You're supposed to enjoy life and
• 50:25
  Speaker 2: you're supposed to limit to its fullest. And I think
• 50:27
  Speaker 2: to do that you have to be authentic and full
• 50:30
  Speaker 2: of yourself. And it's scary and it's hard to do that,
• 50:34
  Speaker 2: But who are you living your life or if it's
• 50:38
  Speaker 2: not for yourself? And I know it took me twenty
• 50:41
  Speaker 2: five years to fully be completely proud of every single
• 50:44
  Speaker 2: part of myself, and I wish it happened sooner, but
• 50:47
  Speaker 2: I think everything happens for a reason. So I just think,
• 50:49
  Speaker 2: if you're out there and you're afraid or you're scared,
• 50:53
  Speaker 2: be more scared of not being who you are. I
• 50:56
  Speaker 2: think it's like my face advice, Yeah, how are you know?
• 50:58
  Speaker 2: Twenty five?
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: You're very wise and strive. You're so coher and I'm
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: like what, how Like how did you just say that?
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: Like you, it's unbelievable how much life you've squeezed into
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: twenty five years.
• 51:10
  Speaker 2: I know, I'm like, I need a little bit of
• 51:11
  Speaker 2: a break. I don't know, I am a little bit
• 51:13
  Speaker 2: less less challenges place. I'm just kidding. No, I'm I'm
• 51:16
  Speaker 2: grateful for everything that I've gone through. I think it
• 51:19
  Speaker 2: made me who I am.
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but also it's like you're saying, I wish I
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: learned it sooner, But I'm like, twenty five is pretty
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: early to have.
• 51:27
  Speaker 2: No, there's so many people out there that are sixty
• 51:30
  Speaker 2: five and they still haven't come out. So I think
• 51:32
  Speaker 2: I'm very grateful that I felt safe enough at this
• 51:37
  Speaker 2: point to do that, and I hope that for everyone.
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: Did you talk to other people who had come out
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: and asked them about the experience, like have you?
• 51:44
  Speaker 3: No? Not really, honestly, no one really like knows.
• 51:47
  Speaker 2: I just think again, like I mentioned earlier, I think
• 51:50
  Speaker 2: my thing was for a long time, I just I
• 51:52
  Speaker 2: didn't know how to do it, and I just thought
• 51:56
  Speaker 2: that one day I would just date a girl and
• 51:58
  Speaker 2: just be like, Hey, this is this is my girl
• 52:00
  Speaker 2: find of just you know, see how people would react there,
• 52:02
  Speaker 2: But I the platform that I have just I want
• 52:06
  Speaker 2: to be able to help people that are in similar situations.
• 52:08
  Speaker 2: And I think that's why I wanted this to happen
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: the way that it is right now, to just be
• 52:13
  Speaker 2: able to help people.
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: Are there any other friends that you know that have
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: come out or people that you.
• 52:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I have so many friends that are in the
• 52:19
  Speaker 2: community as well. And the people that like do know
• 52:22
  Speaker 2: have been like nothing but supportive and just like so
• 52:24
  Speaker 2: excited and they're just like, you're connecting with another soul.
• 52:27
  Speaker 2: It doesn't matter if they're a guy, if they're a girl,
• 52:30
  Speaker 2: it doesn't matter. We just want you to be happy.
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: What are you most excited to do now that you're
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: out and able to say, I.
• 52:38
  Speaker 3: Make out with her in public and not have someone
• 52:41
  Speaker 3: be like, well, what is going on?
• 52:42
  Speaker 2: Is that Leila from a secret life to the girl?
• 52:43
  Speaker 2: Just yeah, just be able to be like fully me
• 52:47
  Speaker 2: and own it.
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: I'm sure after this, hopefully you feel safe. And you know,
• 52:51
  Speaker 1: I think that's what I always wish for people when
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: they're making big changes in their life and making these moves,
• 52:57
  Speaker 1: is that people feel safe. I think that's something everyone
• 52:59
  Speaker 1: deserves for their choices when people are not breaking the
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: Lord doing something wrong or it's almost like, can people
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: just feel safe for their choices that are true to
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: their soul and their heart? And I really hope, Leila,
• 53:11
  Speaker 1: that you feel safe and that you know you get
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: to explore the life and experience the life that you
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: really really want. Thank you. I appreciate that so much, Leila.
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: We end every episode of On Purpose with a final five.
• 53:21
  Speaker 1: These questions have to be answered in one sentence, and
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: so Leila, this is a final five. Questionable one, what
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: is the best advice you've ever heard or received?
• 53:31
  Speaker 2: Your love for yourself has to be stronger than your
• 53:33
  Speaker 2: desire to be loved.
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: That's great advice. Who told you that?
• 53:36
  Speaker 3: I think I just saw it on like Pinterest.
• 53:39
  Speaker 2: Actually what I feel like? It's like it's a really
• 53:41
  Speaker 2: good one. I think it applies to a lot of things.
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: So say it again.
• 53:44
  Speaker 3: Your love for yourself has to be higher than your
• 53:46
  Speaker 3: desire to be loved.
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: That's great. I love that great piece of advice. That's
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: an awesome one. Never had it. Second question, what is
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: the worst advice you've ever heard or received?
• 53:55
  Speaker 2: I think it relates powerably back to what we were
• 53:58
  Speaker 2: talking about earlier, that you to be in a toxic
• 54:00
  Speaker 2: cycle of constantly you know, putting my work then to
• 54:04
  Speaker 2: other people, and being in a lot of relationships. I
• 54:06
  Speaker 2: think the one cheesy saying that when you're going through breakup.
• 54:08
  Speaker 2: I feel like people throw this around like casually. There
• 54:10
  Speaker 2: always like the best way to get over someone is
• 54:12
  Speaker 2: to get under somebody else. So that one, I'm like,
• 54:14
  Speaker 2: oh my gosh, no, take time to yourself, girlfriend, take
• 54:18
  Speaker 2: up a book or something, a hobby.
• 54:19
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 54:20
  Speaker 1: That's great, that's awesome. What a great answer. Okay, question
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: you're killing these you're killing these. People usually struggle with
• 54:28
  Speaker 1: the one that's a great answer. Question number three, how
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: do you define a good friend?
• 54:33
  Speaker 3: Who? I think someone that loves you through all stages,
• 54:38
  Speaker 3: every phase of life and every phase of life. Yeah,
• 54:40
  Speaker 3: every chapter, every challenge, just everything. Yeah.
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: Question number four, I'm going to add two parts to this.
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: Repeat after me and finish this about overthinking, So repeat
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: off to me and finish the sentence. I think I
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: think too much about.
• 54:55
  Speaker 3: I think I think too much about perception and how
• 54:58
  Speaker 3: people view me.
• 54:59
  Speaker 1: Is that something you're still working on right now?
• 55:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's something that like, in the space
• 55:03
  Speaker 2: that we are in, I think that's something we see
• 55:07
  Speaker 2: every day, you know, people's opinions of us, and it's
• 55:09
  Speaker 2: hard to not take things to heart. But I'm just, yeah,
• 55:12
  Speaker 2: stepping into an era that I just want to be
• 55:15
  Speaker 2: authentically me.
• 55:16
  Speaker 3: And you either like it or you don't.
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: So yeah, good for you. I love that. Okay. Fifth
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: and final question. We asked this every guest who's been
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: on the show. If you could create one law that
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be.
• 55:30
  Speaker 2: You're not allowed to convert to Mormonism until you have
• 55:33
  Speaker 2: a greater understanding.
• 55:35
  Speaker 3: Wow, just kidding.
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: I know that's no. I know you can't. No, I
• 55:39
  Speaker 1: like the idea that you can't. I get the point
• 55:42
  Speaker 1: you're making is you can't make a commitment to something
• 55:45
  Speaker 1: without actually knowing enough about it. Because it was it
• 55:50
  Speaker 1: are you? I'm assuming it was easy.
• 55:53
  Speaker 2: It was five lessons you have to do and then
• 55:56
  Speaker 2: you disagree at the end if you want to. And
• 55:58
  Speaker 2: I had no understanding a lot of things. I feel
• 56:01
  Speaker 2: like I get the question a lot of like, oh
• 56:03
  Speaker 2: did you not know about the history of like this,
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: about that? And it's like no, they did not teach
• 56:08
  Speaker 2: me that, and my lessons they were teaching me like
• 56:09
  Speaker 2: very minimal.
• 56:10
  Speaker 1: So yeah, yeah, I mean that's all history everywhere. I
• 56:13
  Speaker 1: feel like everything they teach. Yeah, that's that's a good answer.
• 56:17
  Speaker 1: Lela Taylor. Thank you so much for your time, your energy.
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: I'm so gratefully came all the way here. I'm thankful
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: to have this conversation with you. I feel so lucky
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: and I appreciate so much that you chose us to
• 56:28
  Speaker 1: share this big news. And as I said, I really
• 56:31
  Speaker 1: hope you feel safe. I hope you feel the love
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: of our community and everyone else that sees this podcast,
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: and hope you feel the support. I know that the
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: Glad Awards in LA are my favorite event of the year. Like,
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: the community is just unbelievable. I know every year when
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: I go to that event, or every time I have
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: been sorry, not every year, every time I go to
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: that event. Honestly, the community is just the most fun.
• 56:54
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you've ever been. I hope you
• 56:57
  Speaker 1: get to go. Yeah, it's awesome. Thank you so much.
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: Thank you. If you're feeling inspired by this episode, you
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: won't want to miss my conversation with Wicked's Cynthia Arriva.
• 57:07
  Speaker 4: We are afraid to let a person go, and we
• 57:09
  Speaker 4: need to be okay with things people go. We don't
• 57:11
  Speaker 4: know what path people are walking on when they walk
• 57:15
  Speaker 4: into our lives. We might just be a stepping stone
• 57:18
  Speaker 4: in their path, just like stepping stones in their life.