Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 187. When Your Adult Child Doubts God: Why Listening Matters More Than Fixing
Transcript
- 0:07[SPEAKER_00]: Christian parenting.
- 0:10[SPEAKER_00]: Hey mama, I'm Pamela Hinklman and you're listening to the Midlife Mama Podcast.
- 0:15[SPEAKER_00]: The show for Christian moms who want to let go with grace and actually enjoy their empty nest.
- 0:21[SPEAKER_00]: I'm a certified empty nest coach, speaker, and mom of five grown kids.
- 0:27[SPEAKER_00]: I know the challenges this season brings from letting go to setting healthy boundaries, to rediscovering your purpose, and reconnecting with your husband.
- 0:36[SPEAKER_00]: Each week I'll be your guide.
- 0:37[SPEAKER_00]: offering heartfelt conversations, faith-filled encouragement, and practical strategies to help you thrive in this next chapter.
- 0:45[SPEAKER_00]: My husband and I are loving the emptiness years and I have strong growing relationships with my adult kids and I want the same for you.
- 0:54[SPEAKER_00]: Don't miss the end of each episode.
- 0:55[SPEAKER_00]: I'll share a quick coaching tip you can apply right away to improve your relationship with your kids or your spouse.
- 1:02[SPEAKER_00]: One favor before we dive in.
- 1:04[SPEAKER_00]: If you find this episode helpful, would you leave a rating and review?
- 1:08[SPEAKER_00]: It helps other moms discover the show.
- 1:11[SPEAKER_00]: There's a link in the show notes with instructions.
- 1:13[SPEAKER_00]: Make sure you're following the podcast so you don't miss a single episode.
- 1:17[SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get started.
- 1:21[SPEAKER_00]: Mama, welcome back to the Midlife Mama podcast, the place for faith, friendship, and real talk for emptiness moms.
- 1:27[SPEAKER_00]: Today we're diving into one of the most tender places in a mother's heart.
- 1:31[SPEAKER_00]: What to do when your grown child wrestles with their faith?
- 1:35[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe your son or daughter has come to you with doubts about God, or maybe they've walked away from church, and a relationship with a Lord all together, and your left feeling fearful, heartbroken, and like you failed as a mom.
- 1:49[SPEAKER_00]: Mama, you're not alone.
- 1:50[SPEAKER_00]: And in this episode, we're going to talk about why listening matters more than fixing and how you can create a safe place for your child to process their questions while trusting God with the outcome.
- 2:03[SPEAKER_00]: See if this sounds familiar.
- 2:06[SPEAKER_00]: Amanda joined her daughter Caitlyn that acquaint coffee shop near campus and she was excited to see her daughter after two months apart.
- 2:14[SPEAKER_00]: Caitlyn seemed a little sheepish and reserved.
- 2:17[SPEAKER_00]: You okay honey?
- 2:18[SPEAKER_00]: You seem so quiet, sent Amanda.
- 2:20[SPEAKER_00]: Caitlyn ramble on about classes and new friends.
- 2:24[SPEAKER_00]: But she had something else she wanted to say.
- 2:26[SPEAKER_00]: She mustered up courage and then blurt it out.
- 2:28[SPEAKER_00]: Mom!
- 2:30[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not sure I believe in God anymore.
- 2:33[SPEAKER_00]: Amanda's heart sank and her stomach churned and knots.
- 2:37[SPEAKER_00]: Her deepest fear had come to pass in an instant.
- 2:41[SPEAKER_00]: As she battled her feelings of failure as a mom, she knew this was a pivotal moment and what she said mattered.
- 2:50[SPEAKER_00]: She flung a silent plea to heaven and asked for God's grace right now.
- 2:55[SPEAKER_00]: And in a flash of tenderness, Amanda took a deep breath and said,
- 3:02[SPEAKER_00]: What do we do when our adult children wrestle with God?
- 3:08[SPEAKER_00]: Well, here's the first thing you can do.
- 3:10[SPEAKER_00]: Tip number one, is you have to understand that wrestling with God is normal.
- 3:17[SPEAKER_00]: It is normal for our emerging adults to wrestle with their faith.
- 3:21[SPEAKER_00]: As they are exposed to new ideas and concepts about the world, they will have questions and doubts, but this isn't cause for alarm.
- 3:29[SPEAKER_00]: The key is for a mom to stay calm and not panic.
- 3:33[SPEAKER_00]: Give your child the gift of listening.
- 3:36[SPEAKER_00]: In wrestling, our young adults are able to navigate the pain and disappointment of their childhood with God.
- 3:44[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes they end up believing things that aren't true and it's in the questioning that God reveals truth and they are able to lay aside a view of God that isn't true or no longer serves them.
- 3:59[SPEAKER_00]: You've heard the term deconstruct.
- 4:01[SPEAKER_00]: It's very popular now with our young adults, and it's all about them taking a part of their faith, examining it, and then coming to terms with God on their own.
- 4:12[SPEAKER_00]: We don't have to be scared of it.
- 4:14[SPEAKER_00]: In fact, it has been official for kids to wrestle with their faith and make their faith their own.
- 4:21[SPEAKER_00]: rather than just accepting what they've been taught.
- 4:24[SPEAKER_00]: This is normal.
- 4:25[SPEAKER_00]: This is a normal part of maturing.
- 4:27[SPEAKER_00]: So I want you to take courage, Mama.
- 4:31[SPEAKER_00]: And what if this is God's plan to reveal himself?
- 4:35[SPEAKER_00]: What if in the wrestling your child finds the Lord?
- 4:39[SPEAKER_00]: It's not the way that we had hoped that it would go, but who are we to question God?
- 4:45[SPEAKER_00]: Isn't our job to trust God?
- 4:48[SPEAKER_00]: Tip number two, when your child doubts God, is to offer a listening ear.
- 4:55[SPEAKER_00]: When we refuse to acknowledge grappling with face is normal for many young adults, we can cause harm.
- 5:01[SPEAKER_00]: And as we watch our grown child content with God, we can give them the gift of a listening ear.
- 5:07[SPEAKER_00]: In the past, we wanted to correct, instruct, and train.
- 5:11[SPEAKER_00]: But those days are behind us.
- 5:13[SPEAKER_00]: This is a new season, which requires new skills.
- 5:17[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't always get this right, but my adult kids have taught me how to do this better.
- 5:22[SPEAKER_00]: And in the past, I judged them for their opinions or felt like I had failed them because their ideas and beliefs were different from how I raised them.
- 5:30[SPEAKER_00]: I made it about me instead of truly focusing on them and what they were experiencing.
- 5:38[SPEAKER_00]: What's needed now is a heart of compassion, the gift of restraint and a non-judgmental listening ear.
- 5:47[SPEAKER_00]: What's most important is to listen for understanding.
- 5:51[SPEAKER_00]: Mary Jo Sharp in her book, why do you believe that says, listening to others is a part of loving them?
- 5:59[SPEAKER_00]: Often, when we listen to our adult children, we insert ourselves into the conversations.
- 6:04[SPEAKER_00]: We become offended or defensive, which means we aren't listening to understand.
- 6:09[SPEAKER_00]: Instead, we're thinking about ourselves.
- 6:12[SPEAKER_00]: But a trained listener knows how to separate oneself and truly focus on the other person.
- 6:18[SPEAKER_00]: Here are some fruit of listening well.
- 6:22[SPEAKER_00]: Number one, it validates another person's opinion.
- 6:26[SPEAKER_00]: it doesn't judge, it doesn't correct, it seeks common ground, it's an act of love, and it doesn't speak.
- 6:34[SPEAKER_00]: I know this seems obvious, but most of us are inept, keeping our house closed.
- 6:39[SPEAKER_00]: I'm just about ready to get that t-shirt that says, mom, just zip it.
- 6:46[SPEAKER_00]: And it isn't thinking about a rebuttal while listening.
- 6:51[SPEAKER_00]: The wisdom from Proverbs shows us the value of listening for understanding.
- 6:56[SPEAKER_00]: Proverbs 182 says, a fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.
- 7:04[SPEAKER_00]: If you've come up short with your adult kids like I have, I challenge you to make some adjustments.
- 7:09[SPEAKER_00]: You will be amazed at the outcomes.
- 7:12[SPEAKER_00]: You will feel more connected in tune, and your adult child will feel validated and honored.
- 7:18[SPEAKER_00]: And isn't that the kind of relationship we long for with our grown kids?
- 7:23[SPEAKER_00]: Ultimately, listening is an act of love.
- 7:27[SPEAKER_00]: I've learned to engage in conversations where I simply listen.
- 7:30[SPEAKER_00]: There's no judgment, sarcasm, or criticism.
- 7:34[SPEAKER_00]: I'm on here in their heart on the matter.
- 7:37[SPEAKER_00]: If you're alarmed by what you hear, don't fret.
- 7:40[SPEAKER_00]: This simply means there's something you need to take to God and talk to him about.
- 7:45[SPEAKER_00]: Lashing out or being critical will break down communication instantly.
- 7:49[SPEAKER_00]: This is the moment to pause, gather your courage, and continue to listen.
- 7:55[SPEAKER_00]: Oops, did I just say that?
- 7:57[SPEAKER_00]: We've all been there one tiny comment, and suddenly you're a adult child pose away or shuts down.
- 8:03[SPEAKER_00]: As moms, we mean well, but some phrases do more harm than good.
- 8:08[SPEAKER_00]: That's why I created a free guide just for you.
- 8:11[SPEAKER_00]: 10 things not to say to your adult child and five ways to stop yourself from saying them.
- 8:17[SPEAKER_00]: It's packed with practical wisdom to help you speak with love, not regret.
- 8:21[SPEAKER_00]: Grab your copy today at the link in the show notes.
- 8:24[SPEAKER_00]: and start buildingconnection.conflict.
- 8:27[SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get back to our conversation.
- 8:29[SPEAKER_00]: Tip number three, when your child doubts God, is to trust God through the process.
- 8:35[SPEAKER_00]: Instead of jumping to conclusions, could we trust God with the process and be thankful that our grown kids shared their hearts with us?
- 8:43[SPEAKER_00]: What could it look like if we gave them a mat and let them wrestle standing by in support?
- 8:50[SPEAKER_00]: Could our love and compassion be the bridge they need to return to God?
- 8:55[SPEAKER_00]: Could we lean on God through this challenging season as He ministers to our heartache?
- 9:00[SPEAKER_00]: Instead of allowing your kids to see your disappointment take that to God, pour out your distress in English, then see this as an opportunity for your fades to grow.
- 9:11[SPEAKER_00]: But while you're with your child, keep your peace.
- 9:16[SPEAKER_00]: trust God in the moment.
- 9:18[SPEAKER_00]: And then when you're alone, you can pour out your pain.
- 9:22[SPEAKER_00]: Mama, I know it's hard when our adult children question or even walk away from the faith we held so dearly.
- 9:29[SPEAKER_00]: But remember this, listening is not weakness, it's a love.
- 9:34[SPEAKER_00]: Your quiet presence, your compassion, and your willingness to hear their heart can be the bridge God uses to draw them
- 9:43[SPEAKER_00]: Here's your coaching tip of the week.
- 9:45[SPEAKER_00]: In each episode, I will give you one actionable step to improve your life.
- 9:49[SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
- 9:54[SPEAKER_00]: This week, I want you to invite your grown child into a conversation about their faith.
- 10:00[SPEAKER_00]: When the time seems natural, say something like, tell me where you're at with God these days, then simply listen.
- 10:08[SPEAKER_00]: And when they're finished, say, thanks so much for sharing that with me,
- 10:13[SPEAKER_00]: Mama, I want you to keep trusting that God is at work even in the wrestling.
- 10:18[SPEAKER_00]: And as you listen, may you find peace, knowing that you're Heavenly Father is listening to you too.
- 10:24[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for joining me today, and if this episode encouraged you, share it with another mom who needs help.
- 10:30[SPEAKER_00]: Grace and peace, Mama, you've got this, and God's got you.
- 10:34[SPEAKER_00]: We'll see you next time.
- 10:36[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama Podcast.
- 10:39[SPEAKER_00]: I hope you leave each episode feeling a little more encouraged, equipped, and seen, because that's what this space is all about.
- 10:46[SPEAKER_00]: Through the stories, insights, and conversations we share here, I'm coaching you through the ups and downs of the empty nest, helping you rediscover purpose, deepen faith, and enjoy this new season of life.
- 10:58[SPEAKER_00]: If you're ready for an even more personalized support, I'd love to invite you to book a free connection column.
- 11:03[SPEAKER_00]: The link is in the show notes, and we'll talk about how I can walk alongside you as your coach.
- 11:08[SPEAKER_00]: And let's stay connected.
- 11:10[SPEAKER_00]: Follow me on Instagram at P-Hagelman.
- 11:13[SPEAKER_00]: That's P-H-E-N-K-E-L-M-A-N, or come find me on Facebook at Pamela Hingelman, M-D-Nest Coach.
- 11:21[SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to figure this all out on your own mama.
- 11:24[SPEAKER_00]: I'm here for you when you're ready.