Latest / The Uncommons / From Me to Us: Our Identity Shifts Through Marriage & Family | Ep2
Transcript
- speaker-0: always had this idea of being a totally independent speaker-1: You know, I wake up in middle of the night, I'm like, who is this lady here? They usually leave by midnight. speaker-0: It's very different to be a mom to one versus two versus three kids. speaker-1: I was an ER doctor. I had to cut my feelings when patients die in front of me. speaker-0: hearing it from people close to me that they are looking at me and being like, ⁓ well, who is this? speaker-1: I even find beauty in the fact that I want to kill you and I still love you so much I'm like how the fuck does that work? speaker-0: It was hard for me to all of a sudden be married to somebody who is providing for me. speaker-1: You know, my companies were worth 100 million plus dollars. And then when they all went, you they tanked, I could not do have that huge loss. speaker-0: through the pain of that resistance got to a point that I'm like, okay, either I'm going to fall apart or I switch to the new identity. Hi everyone. Welcome to the Uncommon's podcast where we challenge the ordinary and explore what it really takes to build a fulfilling life. I'm Parisa. speaker-1: Hola, I'm Pezman. speaker-0: And today we're talking about identity shifts. I wanted to really talk about this because I feel like as life has progressed and we have changed our perspective of our life, we've gone through different events that has changed the way we perceive life, the way we live our lives. For me, the identity has become mold, more and more bold in how I make my decisions. And there has been a lot of times that I struggled with the shift in identity. So I tried to hold on to the old identity that I had, not realizing that I have already became somebody completely different. There's always been a resistance in that change, not just from me, also from other people that perceive me, from friends, from especially people close to me. that would call me up and be like, ⁓ you're different. You've changed. I always try to receive that as a compliment because to me, change is a part of life. It's inevitable. It has to be there. Not changing and staying the same for years and years is kind of an insult to me. But other people struggled a lot more with the changes that I went through sometimes, even though I struggled with them too. But hearing it from people close to me that they are looking at me and being like, well, who is this person? Why are you so different? It's been significant for me. So what is an identity? speaker-1: whole new definition for it in the past few years. I've done more and more work and training and I think identity is who you really believe you are, which might be true or not true, but it is your belief at the time and your decisions that you make, now that I understand it better, are very connected to the identity that you have. So it is a self-imposed definition of who am I, at least in my language. speaker-0: Do you think it's an image of how I would see myself as? Do you think it's a set of beliefs about what I am? For me, it's kind of a combination of all of it, plus an image of who I want to become or what I want to be in life. Does that fit your definition? speaker-1: ⁓ But I would add also to those two, who I am now and who I want to become, but also how do other people perceive me? That was a lot more vivid for me a long time ago, and that's diminished more as I've aged and I've had more experience and so forth. But it was at one point really important what people thought of me. I think subconsciously we all- It's always been. Yeah. Understanding it managing it is a real true shift as opposed to like not knowing what's happening and you go through life making those kind of decisions. Do you recall any events that allowed you to pass from the old identity to the new identity? And do you know how long after the actual shift you realized that you shifted because you just said that you didn't know you. speaker-0: Yeah, think nowadays I'm more conscious of it. It's much easier for me to kind of, I've been through it so many times that I'm like, ⁓ well, I sound different or I feel different or I'm acting differently. Like two years ago, I would have completely had a different reaction or different decision making process in my head. But I think initially when we got married, when we got together, that was the biggest shift for me. without realizing it was something that I would hold on to the old identity for so long, because first of all, I always had this idea of being a totally independent woman, being a woman that I would maybe never get married, maybe never have kids and then growing into my thirties and being so successful and blah, blah, blah. So that was the image that I had of myself that I want to become who I want to be or who I am. becoming in the process of my life. And it was hard for me to all of a sudden be married to somebody who is providing for me. And at the time I didn't have the level of understanding to know how much grace it takes to be receiving without having to do and be overachiever and be so successful that everything that was in my head. But it was a huge shift that years later I realized that I'm still holding on to the old threads of that. When we had our first kid, I tried to work so much. Two weeks after giving birth, I started working. And it was hard for me to understand that it's okay to have a pause and it's okay to put things on hold now that I have a baby. And I think one of the reasons was that I was still holding on. to that identity that I have to be independent, I have to make my own money, I have to do this, I have to be successful, all that stuff. It took me years to realize that either I let go of that or life is not going to flow. I'm going this way and I'm trying to swim upstream. Is that what they call it? Upstream. Upstream. And it was exhausting. speaker-1: Now it would make sense when I thought I married somebody who was down to earth and wanted to climb mountains and rock climbing and who gives a shit about this Chanel blah, blah, blah. And now I have a Chanel lady on my hands. It's an identity ship, I get it, I get it. speaker-0: still doing Gavisadra Vaisana. speaker-1: I know, I know, I I don't. But there's been a shift, right? There's been even a shift in that, right? That it's okay to really want nice things and, you know, who said, who said I can't be giving and kind and generous and down to earth, but yet still like to drive a Ferrari or whatever it might be, you know? speaker-0: That sounds like something you have worked through a little. speaker-1: One major shift was, I think we talked about it last time, is getting married when you've been single for 50 years, never really committed and has a revolving door and come home and I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm like, who is this lady here? They usually leave by midnight, it's already 3 a.m. Oh, it's my wife, shit, I'm married. The concept of marriage, which maybe part of it is because I didn't believe I mean, I believe in love and connection and all that. just didn't believe in a piece of paper and making me more love you more and whatever it is. Maybe that will help. speaker-0: love me more now that we're married. You love me more after each kid you loved me more. speaker-1: I love you more every day. Even though sometimes I still want to kill you, but it's a deeper, more connect... speaker-0: Feelings are mutual, my love. ⁓ Feelings are mutual. speaker-1: I know, but I even find beauty in the fact that I want to kill you and I still love you so much. I'm like, how the fuck does that work? Right? Usually it's just like, you're like, at, you know, or eject button from the car. you know, eventually I want to get that eject button. I'm going to put a parachute on it so when you land, you don't get hurt, but I can eject you at any given time. speaker-0: Even the parachute is an act of love. speaker-1: Exactly. One of my identities in the past was significance and uncertainty. Like I'm an ER trauma guy. I'm going to save people's lives. I'm God and it's all about me and know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, from that significance driven decision making. If anybody asked me to do anything that was crazy or jump out of airplanes, stuff like that, I would do it because I just wanted to be crazy and I wanted to be the best and I wanted to be different. And that was my identity. And the decisions that I made nearly killed me a bunch of times. was heartless. I have a lot of love in me, but my identity would make me heartless. would destroy women that are in my way. Because of my identity, it was okay to hurt women. And another huge identity shift for me was, you know, my companies were worth a hundred million plus dollars. And then when they all went to, you they tanked. I could not deal with having that huge loss because my identity was I'm a hundred, two hundred million dollar or five, whatever the number is, that it was a number in my head that made me who I am. And now it's completely different. speaker-0: of it do you think was an internally this is who I see myself as versus how other people see me? speaker-1: That's a really good question because a lot of time it really migrated from what people see me obviously this identity of I drive the best cars and I have the most attractive girls with me and I have lunch in Paris and shit like that was from the people looking at it but deep inside of me as well I'm like I want to do this because I got to prove to myself my self-worth kind of thing you know speaker-0: Yeah, I mean, knowing you and what you're talking about, feel like some of it is, I want to prove to myself, but a lot of it is that that was your life. You know, it was a habitual situation too, because at the beginning, like we start, I struggled with that a lot because we would go out and all of a sudden I would feel like you shift back into single mode so quickly, not out of any. inappropriate behavior or anything, or we wouldn't have been together for this long. But it was just like energy-wise, you would go from us into, I'm a single person. I mean, a lot of it is kind of, I felt like it was habitual too, because after like so many years, you got married and all of a sudden from being a single guy into, ⁓ it's two people. Place now. speaker-1: It's definitely habit, but it also, especially after I have kids, I've realized now, after all these years, that I was an ER doctor. I had to cut my feelings when patients die in front of me. And that cutting of feelings is just not for the patient. It's just literally impossible to do that. Today, this morning, I try to get my kids and my dog to lay on my chest and breathe with them and remind me of myself, oh, this is what love is. This is what happiness is. Because, right, so I could connect the dots as opposed to because I've been so used to cutting that myself off. So your question going back is it's easier because it's more cut off and I've done it for so long as habitual. So there's always, I think all humans, all of us have different factors. I've seen the growth in you and the identity shift that, you know, like now you're a mom and you're... speaker-0: Eternal dialect. Even from being a mom of one to two to three or being a stepmom, as they call it, which we don't use that term. in general, it's like a each step, it was a different, like it's very different to be a mom to one versus two versus three kids. Very different for me. I think at the beginning, I had this switch in my identity, kind of like I was going to the left and life changed. and switched to the right. And I was kind of going, but it was taking me with it. And I was like struggling and I was resisting it until I, through the pain of that resistance got to a point that I'm like, okay, either I'm going to fall apart or I switch to the new identity, right? As it happened a few times, now I'm, I can catch it a lot earlier. Now I feel like that pain going through that pain of resisting it is so much harder. than just accepting that my life has changed. I have new kids, I'm homeschooling kids, or we are like, we were traveling so much now we want to not travel as much. I don't know how well that's going to work, just even going little things like that, big shift in the dynamic, in the way we live our life, whether it's having another kid on top of everything or stopping to work after working for so long and having an identity that's twisted with. I'm productive, I work, blah, blah. Every step of the way, I think like it's been a slap in the face. Now I don't like that slap anymore. Like I don't want the pain of it. So I have loosened up and I have dropped the level of control I feel like that I had on who I want to be and that holding on to the old identity. feel like some of it is based on control as well that I feel like I'm shedding layers of that every time a big shift happens in our life. speaker-1: I agree. Identity also has, I think to make it even more complex, that has a lot of limiting beliefs we've been brought up with that is in your DNA, like scarcity mindset. It's a limiting belief. I grew up in a scarcity mindset and it's been inside of me. speaker-0: What do you mean by that? By scarcity, speaker-1: Serious City Mindset is to be frugal. For me, I grew up in a family, even though my dad was doing fine and well, he's always about, we don't have enough, and we don't have enough, and we don't have enough, and since you're a psyche, part of your DNA. Even though I have enough, there's a lot of times that I had plenty, but I didn't think I have enough. And maybe part of that Serious City Mindset is when I had such a huge shift in my net worth, it was devastating to me. I just couldn't deal with it, limiting belief. connected with identity. So I think your beliefs and your upbringing and a lot of really internal stuff connects with who you are and who you identify as and with. speaker-0: That's a good point, because I feel like every time I had to let go of an old identity, the reason I couldn't was a big fear. Fear of that if I lose that identity, what's going to be left? And maybe that fear is deeply rooted in delimiting beliefs. Do you think that would be? So how do you think letting go of that fear when it's so deeply rooted in old? speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, for sure, of course. speaker-0: beliefs that we've been brought up with can be a little easier or a little expedited or what can we, what have you done to deal with that fear? speaker-1: I've done a lot of work on myself with therapists, coaches, and, but being able to be open to say that is a possibility. There's a possibility that I throw things around and flaunt, just do crazy stuff. Not because I don't have a lack of financial issues. It's because I do have a lack of financial issues and that is how it shows itself. Right. But to me, when things that you do that are incongruent by the natural nature of our world. And if you have the ability to say, why am I exaggerated in sex or with money or lack of money, or I can't keep a job or something that is incongruent. And I think everybody's not, we're all different, but there's a level of normality. And if things feel more than one or two percent of whatever your percentage is, off. Having the ability to look down deep in yourself and say, why? And be able to open it up, to research it, and connect to the right people that could probably say, you probably don't see it, but blah, blah, blah, here's what it is. That's what I think. speaker-0: Yeah. And I think one of the part of our relationship that has helped at least me grow. And I think both of us is that we kind of bring it out to the surface. It's hard. It's scary. But like when I see something in you, I point it out and you're open enough to accept it or at least contemplate and think about it. consider it, right? Or if you see something in me, you, you bring it up and it's not a door that I shut right away. Even if I react to it initially, it stays in the back of my mind and I think about it. And a lot of times I would say 99 % of times it it's accurate because you see it and I don't. And it's so much easier to look at somebody from the outside and picks that up. So I think our. relationship has helped a lot, but also what you said about like being able to pinpoint the fear or the root of it and then make that decision consciously that, okay, I feel like I'm uncomfortable. I feel like I'm out of control. My life is going in a crazy mode. Does that mean I need to shift an identity or does that mean that I want to consciously choose to stick to that identity and bring my life back aligned? with where I'm going. A lot of times it happens unconsciously. I agree. Well, thank you. Thank you everybody for watching this episode. We have a lot more to discuss about this, but we're going to cut it short and we'll see you next time.