Latest / The Diva Details / The 20-Second Secret: How Hugs Rewire Your Stress and Strengthen Your Bonds

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The 20-Second Secret: How Hugs Rewire Your Stress and Strengthen Your Bonds · The Diva Details

0:01
Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details,
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where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention,
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we keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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No filters, no limits, just fearless conversations
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to help you thrive. Let's dive in with Diva
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Mia and Diva Kat.
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Well, hello, this is Diva Mia, and today I want you to think
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about when the last time you had a really good hug,
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one that lasted a really long time. Not the quick pat, pat on
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the back at the end of a meeting or a quick hello hug, not the
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side squeeze in a crowded kitchen, or I mean the kind of hug
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where someone held on and you felt your shoulders drop and
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for a second the whole world got a little quieter. How long ago was that?
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If you had to stop and think about it, this episode is for you.
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Today we are talking about something so simple
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that most of us never think about it and so powerful that scientists
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have spent decades studying it. We're talking about hugs. Now I know
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what some of you may be thinking, girl, a whole episode on hugs? Well,
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it's kind of an important topic, so I wanted to, to focus on it
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today. But because here's the thing, a hug is one of the only
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things in life that is free. Takes less than a minute,
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needs no equipment, and does something good for 2 people at the exact same
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time. You can't say that about a lot of self-care. So here's what we're
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going to cover. First, why human beings are literally built to need touch.
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Then we'll get into the chemistry that what's happening in your body
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during a hug, including the famous hormone called the
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cuddle hormone and what happens to people who go without touch for a long time.
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Well, look at the research on hugs, but first I want to, I want to
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talk about why it matters for both the person giving the hug and the person
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receiving it. Then we're gonna get practical as well. We're also gonna talk about should
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a hug last and what's the right technique and how do you make sure that
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the person you're hugging actually wants it. I have a friend that does
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not like to be hugged. You need to make sure that who you're hugging,
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they want it. We're also gonna talk about hugs with your partner,
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hugs with your kids, when to hug and how many hugs a day you should
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be aiming for. And we'll close by talking about affection and why I think
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every single one of us should be giving more hugs and holding them longer.
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And I'm gonna give you a little challenge at the end of the day,
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so stay with me as well. But before we go any further,
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here's my invitation to you. If there's someone near you right now,
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someone you love and who's comfortable with it, go get a hug. And don't
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go too fast. Take your time. Count to 20 seconds in your head and wait
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and just hug them for a full 20 seconds. Let's get into the details.
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Okay? So why humans are wired for touch. In the
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beginning, touch is the first sense we develop. People, a baby can see clearly before
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it can understand words. It's already feeling. In the womb, it's being
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held by warmth and pressure every second of every day. So that
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moment we arrive, we come from a world of being held, and that
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doesn't turn off when we're born. It's why hospitals encourage skin-to-skin contact
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right after delivery, what a lot of people call kangaroo care. I know
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that was important for me with my son, especially if you have a newborn or
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a preemie or a child, they just need touch. Research on
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premature babies has found that skin-to-skin time with a parent helps steady their heart rate,
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it helps their temperature regulate, and it supports healthier growth
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and they get out of the NICU faster if they're in a NICU.
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Think about it. Before that baby can do anything for itself,
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being held is helping its body regulate. There's also a famous and honestly
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heartbreaking set of experiments from the 1950s by a
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psychologist named Harry Harlow. He studied baby monkeys who were separated
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from their mother and given 2 fake mothers. One was made of bare wire and
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held a bottle of milk. The other was covered in soft cloth but had no
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food at all. And over and over, the babies clung to the soft cloth
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mother. They'd go to the wire one just long enough to eat,
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then run right back to the soft one, especially when they were scared.
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The lesson was huge for its time. Comfort and contact weren't
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just a nice extra that came along with food. They were a need all
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on their own. We've seen the human version of this too. Researchers who
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followed children raised in severely understaffed orphanages where babies
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were fed and changed but rarely held or played with found serious effects
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on development, attachment, and emotional health. And here's the hopeful part.
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Children who were moved into loving, attentive family care,
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especially early, showed real improvement. So when I say humans
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need touch, I don't mean it in the way I need a new pair
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of shoes. I mean, it's built into us. Your skin
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is your largest organ and it packs with it nerve endings. Scientists have even
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identified special nerve fibers in the hair, like your
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back and arms, that seem to respond best to slow, gentle, warm touch,
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the kind of touch you get in a hug or a slow stroke
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on the back. Those signals travel to the part of the brain linked to emotion
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and reward. It's like you get a dopamine hit every time you have a hug,
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not just to the part that says something, someone is touching you. In other words,
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your body was wired that seems, that makes affection seem normal.
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It's required. There's even a term for what happens
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when you don't get enough of it. It's called skin hunger
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or touch starvation. It's not an official medical diagnosis, but it
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describes something a lot of people feel, that ache, that sense of
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being a little disconnected, a little lonely, even when you're around people.
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People. Lots of us felt it during the pandemic when hugs
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basically disappeared overnight, and some people live with it all the time,
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like folks who live alone or people that are choosing to be single, older adults,
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people who've lost a spouse, or people whose families just weren't touchy
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growing up. If that's you, I want you to hear me. There's nothing
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weird about craving a hug. You're not needy.
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You're human. You're doing exactly what your body was designed to do.
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Crave attention and affection. Okay, let's get a
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little nerdy because this is where it gets good. When you get a warm,
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relaxed hug from someone you trust, your brain
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releases a hormone called oxytocin. You've probably heard
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it called the love hormone, the cuddle hormone, or the hugging hormone. It's made in
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part of the brain called the hypothalamus and released by the pituitary
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gland. So oxytocin, people feel it when they start,
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when they're in love. It's the same hormone involved in childbirth
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and breastfeeding. It helps create the bond between a mother and her baby,
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but it's not just for moms. All of us make it, men and women,
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and it shows up in bonding between partners, between friends, between parents
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and kids, even between people and their dogs. I personally think that when you
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go through a breakup, you're missing that hormone as well
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between you and your partner. So what does oxytocin actually do
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for you? First, it helps you feel connected and safe with another person.
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It's part of how trust begins. Second, it seems to help
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calm the stress response. When you're stressed, your body releases cortisol,
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the main stress hormone. That's why people gain weight after menopause.
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A little cortisol is useful. It helps you get up in the morning and react
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to danger. But when it stays high for super
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long stretches, it's linked to poor sleep, bad immune systems,
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weaker immune function, high blood pressure, and it feels—
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a feeling constantly on edge, like you're, you never know what's going to happen.
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Oxytocin appears to help turn the volume down on that system. And it's associated
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with lower heart rate and blood pressure in the moment. You feel relaxed.
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That's why hugging is so important. It just relaxes you.
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Any oxytocin doesn't work alone. Positive touch is also linked with the brain reward
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chemicals like dopamine and serotonin, which are tied to pleasure,
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motivation, and mood. So a good hug is a little bit of a feel-good cocktail.
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That's why people like their hugs so much. Now let's talk about the flip side.
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What happens when people go without touch? And I want to be careful
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here and accurate because it is an area where you see a lot of exaggeration
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online. Your body doesn't completely run out of oxytocin. If you aren't
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getting hugged, you'll still be okay. But when you're missing regular warm contact,
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you're missing one of the most reliable everyday triggers for releasing it.
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So you get fewer of those natural calming bonding moments.
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You're not getting the stress relief that you used to get. And researchers
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have found that people who report feeling touch deprived also
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tend to report more stress, more loneliness, anxiety, depression symptoms,
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and poor sleep. We are going through an epidemic of lonely
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people that have committed suicide too. So you have to remember,
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sometimes just giving somebody a hug can change their whole outlook. We can't always
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say that lack of touch caused all of this because lonely people have a lot
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going on, but the pattern is consistent enough
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that scientists are now taking it seriously. Think of it like this: without regular
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affection, you lose one of your body's built-in ways of saying you're safe,
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you're not alone, you can relax, I love you.
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And when you don't get that message, your stress system can
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stay switched on longer than it should. So why is hugging so
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important? Because it's one of the ways that your body tells your
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brain that you belong to somebody. And for social creatures like
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us, belonging isn't a luxury. We need to belong. For most
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of human history, being connected to your group was how you survived. Your body still
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remembers that. It still treats connected— connection like it
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matters for your health because it does. And I will say, I see
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women hugging a lot more often than men, and there are signs
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that men are going through a lot more depression than women. That's just an
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anecdotal thought. So the research on hugs though,
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it's, it's chemistry. Now let's look at what actually
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happens and what they found. So one of my favorite comes from the University of
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North Carolina in the early 2000s. Researchers brought couples
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into a lab. Half of them sat together, held hands for about 10
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minutes while watching a romantic video and then shared a 20-second hug. The other
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half sat quietly on their own. Then everybody had
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to do something most of us hate— give a stressful speech about something that made
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them angry. The couple who had held hands and hugged had smaller
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jumps in blood pressure and heart rate during that stressful task
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than the people who didn't. 10 minutes of hand-holding and a 20-second
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hug and their bodies just handled stress better.
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The same research group followed up with a study of women
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and their partners. Women who reported getting more frequent hugs from their partners
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tended to have higher oxytocin levels and lower resting blood
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pressure and heart rate. Now that study showed a connection,
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not proof of cause and effect, but it's a pretty lovely connection.
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Here's one that really surprised me. At Carnegie Mellon, a team
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led by psychologist Sheldon Cohen interviewed 400
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healthy adults every evening for 2 weeks asking about their conflicts,
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their support, and whether they'd been hugged that day. Then I love how
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committed these volunteers were. They were deliberately exposed to a common cold
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and watched an quarantine. People who felt more supported were less
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likely to get sick, and hugs accounted for a meaningful chunk of that protective
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effect. And among the people who got sick, those who received
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more hugs had milder symptoms. The research suggests that hugs might
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be one way to support— that support actually gets delivered from one body to another.
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Isn't that funny? Because we were all told not to touch each other during COVID
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Who knows, maybe the hugs could have saved some people. That same group
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also found that on days when people had a conflict with somebody,
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getting a hug was linked with less of a drop in the mood and
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even carried into the next day. So a hug after a hard day
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isn't just sweet, it's, it may generally soften the blow and it may
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keep you healthier. And in 2024, a big review published in the journal
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Nature Human Behavior pulled together more than 100 studies with thousands
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of participants. The overall findings is that touch interventions,
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including hugs, massage, and other forms of caring contact were linked
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with real benefit for both mental and emotional needs.
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Things like lower pain, less anxiety, interesting, touch from a person
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seemed to help mental health more than touch from an object like a weighted
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blanket or a soft robot. The human part matters.
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So go get a massage if you don't have anyone to give you a hug,
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or just talk to your friend and say, I just need a hug today.
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Now here is the part I want you to really hold on to: a hug
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is not a one-way gift. When you give a hug, you are
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also getting one. You can't hug someone without being hugged back
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physically. Even if they're just standing there. Your skin
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is touching theirs, your chest is pressed up to theirs, your arms
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are wrapped around a warm body. So the person giving the hug gets the same
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calming bonding experience that you do. It's a win-win. There's even
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research on this in a different setting. In one study, older adults volunteer
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who gave gentle massages to babies reported less
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anxiety and better mood afterwards and actually seemed to benefit
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more from giving them than from getting a massage themselves.
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Giving care, it turns out, is good for the giver. Some people
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get addicted to giving and it's because it's also good for the giver.
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So the next time you think, I should hug my friend, she's having a rough
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week, know that you're taking care of yourself at the same time.
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That's a beautiful math of a hug. One act, 2 people,
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and it helps. When you're giving a hug, you're also receiving. So now
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let's talk about how long it should last. Okay. All right. Here's the question.
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Everybody asks how long a hug should last. And in 2008,
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Olympics hugging coaches, teammates, and competitors from dozens
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of countries and found that average hug lasted about 3 seconds. 3 seconds. That's barely
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a hug. That's a hello with arms. So you're not getting much
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from a 3-second hug. Now, a quick hug is still nice. Don't get me wrong.
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But the research suggests that a little longer feels better. A study out
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of London had people receive hugs of different lengths, 1 second, 5 seconds, and 10
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seconds, and how pleasant they felt. The 1-second hugs were rated the
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least pleasant. The 5 and 10 seconds came out on top. And then there's the
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famous number you probably heard, 20-second hug.
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If you've been anywhere online lately, everybody talks about you need to give people a
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20-second hug a day. And some people say you need more than one. Some people
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say 6. There's just different numbers out there, but that comes from a study in
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North Carolina. Again, the one I told you about where couples shared a 20-second hug
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before a stressful task. You'll see it all over the internet described as the magic
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number for releasing oxytocin. I had to be honest with
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you. There's no stopwatch in your brain that flips a switch that says, oh,
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it's 20 seconds. Oxytocin release,
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oxytocin release. No, it doesn't work that way. But 20 seconds is a length
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that's been used in research with real calming effects. And it's
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long enough for you to actually settle into the hug
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instead of rushing out of it. So here's my guidelines for
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you. Write this down. Casual hugs, like a coworker you're friends with or an acquaintance,
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3 to 5 seconds. So at least they get something out of it.
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3 to 5 seconds. Don't do the 1-second hug. That's— there's no reason for it.
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It's just kind of like, Ridiculous. Friends and family, aim for 5
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to 10 seconds, and I really mean closer to 10 seconds. Long enough to really
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mean it. So if they're friends and families, 10 seconds. And your partner,
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your kids, and your closest people, go for the full 20 seconds or more when
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you can. This is a connection. This is your connection,
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and it's stress melting. Okay, it really feels good to give a long hug.
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And here's a secret about long hugs: the first few seconds, most people are
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still a little bit in their heads. Is this too long? Where do I put
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my hands? Am I doing this appropriately? Are they going to think I'm weird?
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But if you stay somewhere around the 10-second mark, something shifts. Breathing slows
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down, body's relaxed. They relax into each other.
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That's when the magic happens. And here's a, here's a lovely rule of
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thumb. Some people use, don't, don't be the first to let go.
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Don't just let, let the other person let go when they're ready.
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Or if you're both comfortable, hold on until you feel the other person completely
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relaxed and then you can let go. That little release when their shoulders soften,
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that's your signal that you gave a good hug. Now, the one exception
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to all this is a hug should last as long as both parties want it
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to. If someone pulls away, let them go. A long hug is only good
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when it's a welcome hug. And that brings us to something really
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important, and that's permission and consent. Now, I told you I have
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a friend that just doesn't like to be hugged. She just doesn't. Everything we've talked
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about, all those beautiful benefits, only happen when a hug is wanted. An unwanted
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hug does the opposite. Instead of calming somebody down, it can make their body tense
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up and it spikes their stress level and their cortisol. And it
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may make them even feel unsafe. The same arms can comfort one person and
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overwhelm another, because there are people that just don't want to be hugged. And lately
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it seems there's more people than I've ever recognized that just don't want to be
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hugged. So let's talk about how to make sure the person you're hugging actually
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wants that hug. First and simple task, ask. I know, I know some of you
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think asking is awkward, but It doesn't have
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to be. It's respectful. Say, can I give you a hug?
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Are you a hugger? Or do you want a hug? Or would a high
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five be better? Because some people just don't like hugs. The last one is
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great because it gives people an easy out. Nobody has
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to explain themselves. They just pick. And then second, read their body language. If someone
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steps forward to you with their arms open, and that's a pretty clear
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yes. But if they lean back, close their arms, turn their body to
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the other side, or they stick their hand out and say, not a hugger.
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It's— don't go in for the hug. It's just respectful.
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You gotta honor it and you gotta smile and keep moving on. It's no big
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deal if they don't— if they're just not a hugger. That's okay.
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Some people don't like to be touched. Some people don't like to be hugged,
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and that is theirs to deal with. That's not on you.
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Third, you have to know that a yes today isn't a yes forever.
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Your best friend might love hugs most days, and then they might have
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a migraine or they're overstimulated or they're having a rough
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day. Maybe they had a rough day and they just don't want to talk
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about it. That's okay. Check in. I also want you to keep in mind that
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people have reasons you might not know about. Some people have been through
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trauma and touch can be complicated for them. Some people have
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chronic pain, sensory sensitivities, or a medical condition
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that makes hugging uncomfortable. Some people are neurodivergent
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and experience touch differently. Some cultures and families
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just express affection in other ways. None of that means they don't care
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about you. It means they, they need you to respect their boundaries. And if you're
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someone who doesn't love hugs, that's completely valid. You're allowed
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to say, I'm not a hugger, but I'm not— I'm so happy to see you.
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You still deserve connection and there's ways to get it other than hugging people.
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Finally, when there's a power difference, be extra careful. Bosses and employees,
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teachers and students, doctors and patients, adults and kids,
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you know, that aren't yours, you shouldn't be hugging. In those situations,
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the other person might not feel free to say no. So if you're their boss,
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don't go ask if one of your employees wants a hug, because usually
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you shouldn't be doing that. Either skip the hug or make it really, really easy
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to decline. You know, ask them. Don't just go in for a hug if you're
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someone's boss or you're a teacher hugging a student or some weird old person hugging
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some other kid's— other person's kids. It's, it's not appropriate.
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There's appropriate as well. The bottom line though is a good hug starts before
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anybody touches. It starts with the care and a little bit of check-in.
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Permission isn't the thing that ruins the moment. Permission is the thing that makes the
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moment safe enough for each party to melt into each other.
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And now we're gonna talk real quick about proper hugging. Okay, so we've got the
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permission part out of the way. Now let's talk about technique because yes, there is
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a better and a worse way to hug. And some of y'all are
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out here giving this stiff A-frame lean-in-from-3-feet-away
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hug. We need to fix that, okay? So here's the step-by-step approach
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for hugging. You didn't know hugging was so important, but it really is. You're gonna
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approach it with warmth. You gotta make eye contact first and smile and
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open your arms a little so the other person sees it coming. No surprise hugs
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from behind unless you know the person and that you love them and you're
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in a relationship, but no surprise hugs from behind. Step all the way in,
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the A-frame hug where only your shoulders touch and your
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hips stay apart. It feels polite, but it's very distant.
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You know, for someone you're close to, step in so your chest meets, the full
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body contact and pressure is a big part of what makes a hug feel really
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good. It needs to be strong without hurting the other person.
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Choose your arm position and there's our 2 classic styles,
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the crisscross. Where each of you has one arm up and one arm down.
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And, and that's kind of nice. It's, it's kind of a nice go-around.
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It's— I think that's more common for people that aren't very close. But research
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studies have found the crisscross is the most common overall, and the neck waist
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shows up more between romantic partners. So typically,
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either if you're a romantic partner, one of you will have your both
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your arms up above, and then the other partner will have both of their arms
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down below. So those are more for romantic partners,
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sometimes children as well. But use gentle, steady pressure,
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not a bone Don't try to squeeze the person to death to turn
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them into a limp noodle. It's not fun. Think of it as like a warm
20:51
weighted blanket, firm enough to feel secure, but soft enough to feel safe. And then
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you have to breathe. Take a deep breath. This is one thing people forget.
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A slow, deep breath in and out will help you relax as well. When you
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breathe slowly, the other person often starts to match you and you're both— your bodies
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begin to relax. You gotta also keep your hands calm. A still hand
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or a slow circle on the back is soothing, but rapid pat, pat, pat,
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pat, pat on someone's back is— that's not relaxing. Just so you know.
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Those fibers on your back, they need to be caressed.
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Slow, slow, slow touch. It's more loving. Slow it down.
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Don't go pet, pet, pet or ruff, ruff, ruff. That's not loving. And then you
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need to stay present. Put your phone down. Don't be talking on your phone while
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you're giving someone a hug. It's just as disrespectful as talking on your phone at
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dinner. And go gently. Don't drop them like a hot pan. Easy out,
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easy in. It's easier to hug when you go in slow, you give
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a nice 10 to 20 second hug, and then you pull back. And then a
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couple extra tips: if there's, if there's a big height difference, the taller person can
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bend their knees a little, or the shorter person can go for their waist.
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It's something— if someone's sitting, like an older relative in a chair or
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someone in a wheelchair, get down to their level, crouch or
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kneel instead of looming over them. The best hug is the one where the other
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person feels like for that moment they are the only thing that matters.
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That's the perfect technique. And hug your partner as much as you can.
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The people we share our lives with, I think we need to give more hugs
22:15
to. I've noticed, and maybe you have too, at the beginning of a relationship,
22:18
we can't keep our hands off each other. We hug at the door, we hug
22:22
in the kitchen, we hug everywhere. And then sometimes life happens. As people go
22:25
on in a relationship, they end up being more like roommates, and the hugging,
22:28
it slows down. And, you know, if that's you, don't be ashamed. It happens to
22:32
many couples. But I want to encourage you to bring back the hug and bring
22:35
it back with purpose. Remember the research. Couples who hug and held
22:40
hands handled stress together better. Women who got more hugs from their partners had
22:43
lower blood pressure and higher oxytocin. And, you know,
22:46
happy wife, happy life. Maybe you just need to give them more hugs.
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Relationships, you know, have also found that everyday
22:53
affection like hugging, cuddling, and holding hands is tied to more satisfaction
22:57
in the relationship overall. Affection isn't the reward for
23:01
a good relationship. It's part of what builds one. It's core to your relationship.
23:05
And here are some other ideas. The morning hug is great.
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Every day before anybody picks up the phone, give each other a hug. When you
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see each other at the end of the day, give each other a hug and
23:14
hug until you've completely relaxed. Because at the end of the day,
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I think it's even more better to have a long hug because
23:21
you've had a stressful day. And then there's the repair hug where you give it
23:25
after an argument or after you've fought or had a problem. It kind of says,
23:28
we're okay, I'm still here. And then there's just the no reason hug.
23:32
You walk past someone and you walk up to them and they're doing dishes and
23:35
you give them a hug from the front or the back. And the bedtime hug
23:37
is always good too. Here's an important one, especially for couples
23:41
who've gotten into a rut. Let's let some hugs just be hugs. If every
23:44
time one partner reaches out, the other thinks it's a hint for something more,
23:47
sometimes people stop reaching out at all. Make room for affection that
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purely— that's purely affection and closeness and not just about
23:55
sex. This is where I want you to think as well, you need 20-second hugs
23:58
with your partner. That means your nervous system can literally help each other.
24:02
So give it the time that you need. Partners talk about it,
24:05
ask each other what's going on with your day and just give them a hug
24:08
while you're talking. You might be surprised. Some people need a lot of physical touch
24:12
to feel loved. They need a lot of it. And then there's hugs with your
24:15
children. Now let's talk about children. Babies need lots of affection and
24:19
attention and newborns do too, but so do grown kids.
24:22
Kids warm up. I mean, I have a thing with my kids that I need
24:26
6 hugs a day from each one of them. And so every day we get
24:29
6 hugs. Even if we do them all at the end of the day,
24:31
we all get 6 hugs in. When a child is scared or hurt or overwhelmed,
24:35
they're nervous. Doesn't have the tools yet to calm itself down. They borrow
24:39
from yours. So if they're having a tough day, sometimes just giving a child a
24:42
hug helps. And I went through this with
24:46
my son. He went through a breakup and he's a teenager and giving him
24:50
a hug just made him feel so much better. Affection is part of how
24:54
children learn that they're loved as well, not because of what they do, but because
24:57
of who they are. Here's what I want you to know about hugging your kids.
25:01
So hug them often and not just when something's wrong. Hug them when they wake
25:05
up. Hug them before they go to school. Hug them after,
25:08
you know, after a certain age they don't give you kisses anymore. So hugging is
25:11
important. Hold on a little longer. With little ones, a long cuddle can be
25:15
the fastest way to end a meltdown. Sometimes when a kid is throwing a temper
25:19
tantrum, giving them a hug just calms them right down. You often— and
25:23
I've seen parents do this— they let the kid throw a temper tantrum and they
25:26
just walk away. But little did they know, if they just gave a hug,
25:29
the child might relax and calm down. The temper tantrum would end. I've seen it
25:34
in stores. Don't stop when, you know, they get older. This is a big one.
25:37
A lot of parents, especially with boys, start pulling back the affection
25:40
as kids hit the teen years. But teenagers still need it.
25:44
Even boys still need it. They might not want a hug in front of their
25:47
friends. That's fair. But a hug at home, a side hug in
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the car, a hand on their shoulder when they're stressed. I think young boys
25:54
need as much physical hugs as girls
25:57
do. And for those of you with grown children, hug them too. When you see
26:01
them. You're never too old to get a hug. Now here's one where consent comes
26:05
back in, and I feel strongly about this one. Let your children choose.
26:08
Don't force a child to hug Grandma if they don't want to, or Uncle Ray
26:12
because he's weird. I had an uncle that would always like hug you and
26:16
almost feel you up because he didn't know where to put his hands. So be
26:20
careful with that. Don't force people to hug people they don't want to. And sometimes
26:23
they don't want to hug a person. They don't want to hug Grandma. They don't
26:26
have— they'll survive. But that goes for you too. It's totally fine
26:29
to ask your own children, can I give you a hug? And to accept it
26:32
gracefully if they say, no, not right now, I'm not in the mood. When you
26:36
need a hug several times a day as well. So how many hugs a day
26:39
do we actually need? There's a famous quote from a family therapist. She said,
26:42
we need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 hugs a day for maintenance,
26:46
and 12 hugs a day for growth. And I can honestly say with you that
26:50
that wasn't a scientific finding. That was just somebody's opinion. Nobody ran a
26:54
study that you have to have 12 hugs a day. You need more hugs than
26:57
you think though, but I love it as a goal. I get 12 hugs a
27:00
day from my kids. So what the science does suggest is the frequency matters.
27:04
If the cold virus study— the benefit came from hugs spread
27:08
across the day after day, not one big hug once a month. Think of hugs
27:12
like a vitamin that you're taking. You need a little bit each day. You can't
27:16
take it all at once for the month. Your body does best with a steady
27:20
supply. So aim for 4 meaningful hugs, 4 20-second
27:24
hugs a day at least. And if you can get 6 to 12 or
27:27
even 8, 8 to 12, you can get a, you'll be feeling
27:31
in a house full of huggers and it's great. And when should you be hugged?
27:35
I mean, here's the thing. When you wake up, when someone leaves the house,
27:38
when someone's stressed and sad or grieving, you can give them a hug. When someone
27:41
has good news, you can celebrate with their whole body. After a conflict,
27:45
one thing helps them cool down is a hug and it helps them reconnect.
27:49
Before bed is a great time to give hugs. And just for no reason
27:53
at all. Honestly, you can give a hug for whatever reason you want.
27:56
The right moment is also a moment when the other person is open to it.
27:59
So remember, always ask permission. I want to speak to those of
28:03
you who are listening and thinking, 4 hugs a day? I live alone. I don't
28:06
get 4 hugs a month. I see you. You're not doing anything
28:10
wrong. There are still ways to get touch in your life. Ask your friends
28:13
for a hug. Visit family if you can. Get a massage. Get your
28:17
hair washed at the salon. Those things help as well. Spend time with your
28:20
pet and get cuddles from your pet. Animals give sometimes some
28:23
of the same calming benefits that hugging does. And yes, they just had a study
28:27
out that people with dogs tend to live longer. So get a dog.
28:31
The Humane Society needs to go empty. And yes, even hugging yourself,
28:35
arms wrapped around you sometimes can help slow your breathing.
28:38
So let's zoom out for a little bit. A hug is really something bigger.
28:42
It's, it's about affection. And affection is how we show people they matter
28:46
to us. It can be worth— it can be words like, I love you,
28:49
but, or I'm proud of you. But the action of hugging, it's like making
28:52
someone coffee or showing up when they need help, dropping off food for
28:56
them for lunch, or just coming by to say, I care. And it can
28:59
be physical, a hand on the back, holding hands, a kiss on the
29:03
forehead. And of course, a hug. Of all the ways we show affection, a hug
29:07
might be the most complete. It uses your whole body. It says,
29:10
I'm here. You're safe without a single word. You can hug a newborn
29:14
and you can hug someone who's 95. You can hug someone who's celebrating and
29:18
someone who's grieving. A hug meets people wherever they are. I think you need to
29:22
give more of them and, and for much longer. We live in a world that's
29:26
more connected than ever with technology, and somehow people are feeling lonelier
29:30
and lonelier. Health officials have even called loneliness
29:33
a public health concern or an epidemic, with research linking it to the worst health,
29:37
heart attacks, depression, and shorter lives. We spend hours on
29:41
our phone. We text instead of calling. We like things instead of visiting,
29:45
and screens can be a lot and they do a lot, but they can't,
29:48
they can't hold you. A hug is one of the most powerful,
29:51
simplest antidotes we have. It pulls us out of our heads
29:54
and back into our body. It reminds people in the most physical way possible
29:58
that they're not alone. And we rush it. We give 3-second hugs because
30:02
we're busy, because we feel awkward, because somewhere along the way
30:05
we decided lingering was too much, but everything we've talked
30:09
about today, Says exactly the opposite. The longer, more relaxed hugs feel better.
30:13
They give your body time to calm down. They give the other person time to
30:16
feel it. So here's what I'm asking. Don't save your hugs
30:20
for special occasion. Don't wait until things are falling apart.
30:23
Make affection part of everyday fabric of your life. Be the person
30:27
who hugs hello like you mean it. Be the parent who still holds on
30:31
when their teenager rolls their eyes. Be the parent who stops at the door
30:35
and lets the whole day melt away in one long embrace. And always,
30:39
always with care and permission because affection gives— given with respect
30:43
is one of the greatest gifts you can give another human being. And every time
30:47
you give it, you give a little, you get a little bit back. So just
30:51
to wrap up, here are some quick and easy things to remember that a
30:54
warm hug releases oxytocin and you're going to be bonding
30:57
with people that you hug. Research links hugs to lower blood pressure,
31:01
better stress handling, 3 to 5 seconds for friends, 5 to 10
31:05
with family. And 20 seconds with your partner or your kids.
31:09
Always ask or read signals because a good hug is a wanted hug and step
31:13
in. Don't pull back if you really want to hug and breathe
31:17
deep breaths and try to get 4 to 6 meaningful hugs minimum every single
31:21
day. And here's your challenge for the next 7 days. Every day, give at least
31:24
one 20-second hug to someone you love with their permission, of course,
31:28
your partner, your kids, your best friend, your mom. Count it out in
31:32
your head, 20 full seconds and breathe. Don't let go. Pay attention.
31:35
How do you feel afterwards? How do you respond? How There's one.
31:39
Does your home feel a little different by the end of the week? And I
31:42
want to hear about it. Tell me how it went. Tell me how
31:46
bonded you felt. Tell me if you relaxed. Let me know,
31:49
because I think hugging is so important. You should be loved and
31:53
love is important and you get it from so many people, not just from your
31:56
partner. You also get it from your friends and your family and your pets.
32:00
And I hope this podcast served you well. And I hope that you
32:04
will take it to heart and start hugging people more because hugs are so important.
32:08
It's important to be loved, and it's important to give love. This is Diva Mia.
32:12
I am love. Take care. Stay strong.
32:15
Ciao. Thanks for tuning in.
32:18
Like, subscribe, and drop a comment. We love hearing from
32:22
you. Visit thedivadetails.com to connect. See you
32:27
next week for more.
32:32
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