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Transcript

The Subtle Saboteur · The No Cry Zone

• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everybody, I'm Jim Best, and you are with me in the No Cry Zone.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Positive change that is doable and durable.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: That intro song is titled I Quit Everything.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the many great tracks on the album No Precedent by Brazen Candor.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Please check it out when you get a chance.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's relevant today because we are going to talk about, in fact, we are going to expose, we are calling it out, another aspect of reluctance.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, we deep dive, in fact, we hurdle headlong into this topic because it is incredibly common, incredibly powerful, and incredibly subtle.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: So subtle that most people never even realize it's shaping their lives.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: It is reluctance that most often derails the vast majority of people.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Not fear, not failure, not laziness, simple, subtle reluctance.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, now is a great time to check out the book I wrote, Reluctance, the Subtle Saboteur.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you can coax yourself into being less reluctant, you'll be amazed at how your life will change for the better and flat out improve.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And as we approach June 30th, our second annual Unreluctant Day, I think it's worth asking ourselves a very important question.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: What have you quit?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, before you answer that, let me clarify something.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't mean what have you failed at, I don't mean what have you lost, I don't mean the job that you might have resigned from.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, what have you stopped doing?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's why the song I quit everything is relevant today.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's about a man whose relationship ends, and his response is to slowly withdraw from life.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: He quits drinking, that's good.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: But then he quits working, he quits smiling, he quits eating, he stops caring.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually he says, I quit living when you left me, not in body, but in soul.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now, obviously, that's an extreme example.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's a good thing to write a song about, but let's look at it more clearly.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because most people have quit something.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Some people quit exercising, some people quit trying to advance their careers, some quit reaching out to old friends, some quit dating, some quit speaking up in meetings, some quit applying for jobs, some quit learning new things, some quit introducing themselves to strangers, some quit making friends, some quit writing, some quit creating, some quit dreaming.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And what's fascinating is that they rarely announce it.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Remember back during the COVID epidemic, there was what we called quiet quitting, where people abandon their jobs without letting anyone know.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: But quitting other things in our lives is similar and unfortunately very common.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: There's no ceremony, no declaration, no dramatic moment.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: They simply stop.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: One day becomes two days, two days leads to two months, two months becomes two years, and two years is almost permanent.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually the thing disappears from their life.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Not because they couldn't do it, not because they didn't want to, not because it was impossible, not because they were incapable, but because reluctance took over slowly but surely.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Reluctance is one of the most understood forces in human behavior.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't usually shout, it whispers, it says, maybe tomorrow.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'll probably get to it.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: It probably won't work.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: You'll look foolish.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why bother?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: What's the point?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Someone else can do it.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not now.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because reluctance sounds reasonable, we often mistake it for wisdom.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: But wisdom and reluctance are not the same thing.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes reluctance is protecting you, sometimes it's warning you, but often it's just shrinking you.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's limiting you.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: One of the great tragedies in life is that people begin organizing their lives around avoidance.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of pursuing what they want, they avoid what makes them uncomfortable.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of pursuing growth, they avoid awkwardness.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of pursuing opportunity, they avoid uncertainty.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of pursuing connection, they avoid rejection.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And we talk about it so much because people just plain quit things.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: And little by little their world becomes smaller.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want you to think about something.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: What is one thing you've quit that would improve your life if you started again?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Just one.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Not three, not ten, not twenty.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just one.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's exercise.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: When's the last time you went to the gym?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's reading.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: When's the last time you picked up a book?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's reaching out to people.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: When's the last time you called somebody on the phone or asked them to meet you for lunch?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's writing.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: What about highlight journaling?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's taking better care of yourself.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's believing in yourself again.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Saying, hey, I'm gonna make this happen.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Don't say you haven't quit everything because we all quit something.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: What have you quit?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps more importantly, why?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because every reluctance has a reason, fear has a reason, embarrassment has a reason, disappointment has a reason, discouragement has a reason.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the question we need to ask.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Does that reason deserve authority?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Do I need to listen to it?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Have I given up enough to reluctance already?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just because the feeling exists doesn't mean it should run your life.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Just because reluctance appears doesn't mean you should obey it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's where I want to leave you for a moment.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: What have you quit?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And is it time to take another look?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, let's give another listen to Brazen Candor.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: I quit everything and stay with me for the second half, where we find out how to recover these valuable connections, activities, pleasantries, and qualities that you never really decided to surrender.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: I quit caring when you left.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Didn't matter, didn't matter the best.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: I quit first.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: I hope it's too I hear the name.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: See who is the door.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Friendly reminder, June 30th, unreluctant day.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Please sign up so we know how much reluctance repellent we should order.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm kidding about that, but now I'm going back to serious.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Reluctance is not an emotion and it is certainly not a command.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna say anytime you feel reluctant about something, you should be suspicious.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: You should be skeptical of your reluctance.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: You should say, wait a minute here, reluctance.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: What are you trying to do?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Who invited you?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: What makes you think your input here is important?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now recall how in part one I asked the basic question.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: What have you quit?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Not what you have failed at, not what you have lost.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: What have you stopped doing?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'd like to go one step further, as we always do in a no-cry zone, to get to the heart of the matter.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you stop?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: For many people, the answer isn't inability, it isn't lack of talent, it isn't lack of opportunity.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sadly, it isn't even lack of desire.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why we focus so intensely on reluctance.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: It stops you more than anything from doing the things you truly want to have, be, and do in your life.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: That is reluctance.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that is why I call it the subtle saboteur.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Again, reluctance can be useful.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you're standing on the edge of a cliff and you're reluctant to jump, that's definitely a good thing.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you're about to make a reckless decision and something in size says, slow down, that's probably wisdom.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: But most of the reluctance we experience in everyday life isn't protecting you from danger, it's protecting you from discomfort or worse, imagined discomfort.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: There is a huge difference.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Think about how many opportunities have been lost because someone felt reluctant.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: They gave into their reluctance.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Someone wanted to introduce themselves to a new person, but they felt reluctant and they fell into reluctance.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Someone wanted to ask for a raise, but they got reluctant.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Someone wanted to start a business, but something made them feel reluctant.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Someone wanted to apologize, but they were reluctant to put themselves out there.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you wanted to write a book, launch a podcast, take a class, join a group, submit the application, make the call, send the email.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: But mysteriously you became reluctant and you treated it like a command.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: And your reluctance put you back in your safe little place.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's one of the most important ideas I want to share with you today.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Reluctance is feedback, valuable feedback often.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: It can even sound like friendly feedback, but it is not instruction.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Let me say that again.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: Your reluctance is information, but it is not instruction.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: It tells you how you might feel, it tells you what you might fear, it tells you how you might be embarrassed, it tells you how you might be frustrated, but it does not tell you what you must do.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel reluctant and still take action.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel nervous and still take action.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel awkward and still take action.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel certain or uncertain and still take action.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Those feelings are real.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: But the authority you give them is optional, and it's up to you to decide.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, many people hand over their authority right away.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Reluctance says don't and they don't.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Reluctance says wait and they wait.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Reluctance says maybe later.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, later never come.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Days go into months, and then years pass, dreams fade, opportunities disappear.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Reluctance took them away.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's not because the people couldn't, it's not because they wouldn't move through a feeling.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I believe reluctance deserves much more attention than it gets.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: We spend a lot of time talking about fear, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: We talk a lot of time talking about confidence, but very little time talking about the quiet, everyday reluctance that slowly shrinks you.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that reluctance to speak, the reluctance to try, the reluctance to begin, the reluctance to draw too much attention.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: The reluctance to start over.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that's especially important because reluctance often disguises itself as practicality.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds sensible, it sounds mature, it sounds reasonable.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes what sounds reasonable is actually surrender, and that's a hard truth, isn't it?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's go back to the song.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: The title is I quit everything.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, the narrator quits drinking, that's positive, but then he quits working, quits smiling, quits eating, quits caring.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually he says he quit living.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then comes the final line.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: I quit everything when you left me, baby.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Everything, everything, everything but you.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the twist.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because the one thing he couldn't let go was the one thing keeping him stuck.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: He quit all kinds of things that might have helped him move more forward.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: But he didn't quit the attachment, he didn't quit the longing, he didn't quit looking backward.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that raises a powerful question for all of us.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Have you been quitting the wrong things?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you quit exercising instead of quitting excuses.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you quit speaking up instead of quitting self-doubt.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you quit reaching out instead of quitting another rejection.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you quit trying instead of quitting perfectionism.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you quit pursuing the dream instead of quitting the belief that everything has to go perfectly.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've been quitting everything except the right thing.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're quitting everything except reluctance.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: And as we approach June 30th on Reluctant Day, I'd like to offer a challenge to you.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Just one day, 24 hours, one conscious decision.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Identify one thing you quit that deserves another chance.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: One thing, not three, not ten, not twenty, one.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Then take action.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Make the calls, send an email, write a page, take a walk, fill out an application, reach out to a friend.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Take one step.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you're confident, not because you're certain, not because reluctance disappeared, but you decided reluctance wasn't gonna stop you anymore.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because reluctance doesn't get the final vote.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: You do.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps the real lesson is just that.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Reluctance will always have something to say.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: The question is whether you're going to let it make the decision.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, join me again in a no-cry zone, June 30th, the second annual Unreluctant Day.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Have a phenomenal week.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Remember they are free.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: And also recall, aspire, be less reluctant, and come upwards with us.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: Coffee tastes like that.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: I get the cool cover.