Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 335. 5 Questions to ask yourself before a big life decision

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335. 5 Questions to ask yourself before a big life decision · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:02
Speaker 1: A listener production.
0:06
Speaker 2: After the Town? Why am I jealous of my ex?
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Speaker 1: Iron stoves for all of those? How do I get
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Speaker 1: into a routine? Is Kiptok's making me anxious? I think
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Speaker 1: I'm being manipulated. Someone told me you could live with
0:18
Speaker 1: half a brain. This is do your fucking mind mindset
0:21
Speaker 1: Hacks for a Badass Life, hosted by me Alexis Fernandez. Kay,
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Speaker 1: Beautiful Beans, Welcome to today's episode. So I'm pretty excited
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Speaker 1: about this episode because I think it covers so many
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Speaker 1: questions that people ask me, that people send in. It
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Speaker 1: is an all encompassing episode when it comes to basically
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Speaker 1: big life changes and major decisions that you need to make.
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Speaker 1: And the episode today is five questions to ask yourself
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Speaker 1: before you make a big change or even a big decision.
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Speaker 1: So this will cover everything, So let's go into things
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Speaker 1: of what it could cover. Questions to ask yourself before
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Speaker 1: you decide. Do I want to have a child at
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Speaker 1: this point in my life or do I want to wait?
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Speaker 1: Do I want to even have a child? Do I
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Speaker 1: want to stay in this relationship? Do I want to
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Speaker 1: get a divorce? Do I want to move countries? Do
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Speaker 1: I want to quit my job? Do I want to stay,
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Speaker 1: you know, doing what I'm doing, or completely change it
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Speaker 1: up get a new degree, like go and study again
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Speaker 1: for a new degree. Do I want to move cities?
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Speaker 1: Like any major decision that is going to impact the
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Speaker 1: trajectory of your life, this episode is going to help you, Okay.
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Speaker 1: So what I aim to give you in this episode
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Speaker 1: is I want you to make the change for the
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Speaker 1: right reason. Okay. I want you to feel empowered by
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Speaker 1: this decision to change, and to feel like I'm not
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Speaker 1: running away from something. I'm not changing because I'm being
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Speaker 1: forced to change or because it's like I'm picking the
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Speaker 1: lesser evil. I want you to feel like this is
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Speaker 1: an empowering decision for me. I feel that this decision
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Speaker 1: is right, and I've like answered these questions in a
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Speaker 1: way that now I've got a lot more certainty around
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Speaker 1: myself and where I'm headed. So that's the first one.
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Speaker 1: I want you to feel that you're making the change
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Speaker 1: for the right reason. I also want you to think
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Speaker 1: about when we make decisions and when we make changes,
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Speaker 1: it's really important to make sure that it's good enough
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Speaker 1: but not perfect because perfection. I believe that perfection can
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Speaker 1: only be achieved through trial and error and feedback through
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Speaker 1: your own behaviors. Okay, So to try and achieve the
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Speaker 1: perfect decision before you've even set foot in this new
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Speaker 1: version of your life is really difficult to do. And
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Speaker 1: that's what actually stops people from achieving anything in their
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Speaker 1: life because they're like, I can't make this change until
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Speaker 1: everything lines up, until everything's perfect. The reason everything can't
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Speaker 1: line up, and the reason it can't be perfect is
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Speaker 1: because when you make a change, there's only certain amount
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Speaker 1: of that change that is within your control. A lot
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Speaker 1: of the time, a lot of other facets of it
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Speaker 1: are not like other people and how they feel about it.
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Speaker 1: Some people, they'll be pushed back, there might be some
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Speaker 1: mistakes that are made along the way, there might be
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Speaker 1: some fallout of relationships or of other opportunity. Is that
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Speaker 1: you wanted. Not everything will be within your control. So
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Speaker 1: to wait for something to be perfect before you take
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Speaker 1: that step is I think a massive disservice to yourself.
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Speaker 1: You want it to be good enough, and I'm not
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Speaker 1: saying good enough like Mundane. I'm saying it's got to
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Speaker 1: be good and enough good that you're happy with that decision.
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Speaker 1: But it we're not here for perfection never will be
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Speaker 1: because if it's perfect, then you're also not going to
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Speaker 1: be open to probably feedback for change. Like bring it
3:27
Speaker 1: back to when I launched the podcast. I didn't want
3:29
Speaker 1: to have ten or twenty episodes planned because then I
3:31
Speaker 1: wouldn't all those episodes would have been done before I launched,
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Speaker 1: and then I wouldn't be open to the feedback and
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Speaker 1: to improve and learn as I go, to listen to
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Speaker 1: what my audience wants or to see which episodes perform well.
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Speaker 1: So the same goes for any decision that you make
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Speaker 1: in your life. You've got to be open for feedback
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Speaker 1: to adjust and to like guide you along your journey.
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Speaker 1: And I also want you to realize, and this is
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Speaker 1: going to be a major theme in this entire episode,
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Speaker 1: is I want you to realize that your perception, how
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Speaker 1: you frame things is ultimately going to determine how well
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Speaker 1: this goes for you or not. Okay, And I'll be
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Speaker 1: reiterating that in many different ways throughout this episode, but
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Speaker 1: that's pretty much what I want you to think about.
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Speaker 1: So let's start with these five questions. Let's get fucking
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Speaker 1: into it. The first question that you need to ask
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Speaker 1: yourself before you make this change, before you embark on
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Speaker 1: this big change, before you quit that thing, before you
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Speaker 1: buy the ticket. Before is am I looking at this
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Speaker 1: new thing, whatever that thing is, having a child, whatever
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Speaker 1: it is, as being responsible for my happiness? In other words,
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Speaker 1: do I think that that thing that I'm moving over
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Speaker 1: to will cure my dissatisfaction or my sadness? Do I
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Speaker 1: think a baby is finally going to make me happy?
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Speaker 1: Do I think I'm miserable in this job? Everything about
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Speaker 1: this job I hate? It makes me miserable in every
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Speaker 1: other area of my life. If I change this job
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Speaker 1: and then get another job in the same industry or
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Speaker 1: similar industry, do I think that I'm going to be
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Speaker 1: happy all of a sudden if I'm miserable right now?
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Speaker 1: Do I think that moving to the other side of
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Speaker 1: the world is going to make me happy? Now? I'm
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Speaker 1: not saying that the answer is going to be no
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Speaker 1: every time, but I'm saying it's really important to ask yourself.
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Speaker 1: Am I in a position where I'm really, really unhappy
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Speaker 1: and the reason for this change is because I'm trying
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Speaker 1: to rid myself of this unhappiness? Is that the reason?
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Speaker 1: Because there's going to be many other reasons there's going
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Speaker 1: to be I want I love my life right now,
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Speaker 1: but I really want new experiences and unless I make
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Speaker 1: that move, I'm not going to achieve these new experiences.
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Speaker 1: Or you could be thinking I love my job right now,
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Speaker 1: but I've experienced everything that is to experience in this role,
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Speaker 1: and if I don't take a leap and take that risk,
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Speaker 1: then I'm never going to be able to progress in
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Speaker 1: my career, you know. So you've got to look at
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Speaker 1: it as what is the reason behind why I'm doing it,
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Speaker 1: and is it because I think it's going to make
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Speaker 1: me happy. If the answer is the only reason I'm
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Speaker 1: doing this change is because because I think it's going
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Speaker 1: to make me happy, then you could risk thinking that
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Speaker 1: happiness is always on the other side of something else,
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Speaker 1: and then you make the change. You feel temporary happiness
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Speaker 1: in the moment because there's a lot of new there's
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Speaker 1: a lot of excitement, there's a lot of good things
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Speaker 1: going on in that moment. You're meeting you people, it's fun, fun, fun, fun,
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Speaker 1: it's all good. You get to the new job, it's
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Speaker 1: all fun, and then before you know it, you're back
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Speaker 1: to a position where you were feeling still quite miserable
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Speaker 1: and the reason for that is and I've got a
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Speaker 1: whole episode on it, so check it out. It's called
6:27
Speaker 1: Hordonic adaptation, and it's basically this idea that external events
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Speaker 1: are not ultimately responsible for your happiness. So it looks
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Speaker 1: at people that even won huge sums of money in
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Speaker 1: the lottery and in eighteen months time, these studies showed
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Speaker 1: that people had went back to their same level of
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Speaker 1: happiness prior to the event. So, in other words, happiness
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Speaker 1: cannot be achieved by external things. They can be an
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Speaker 1: aid in helping you get somewhere. I'm not going to
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Speaker 1: stand here and say that external things don't give you
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Speaker 1: happiness at all, but I'm saying that you have to
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Speaker 1: really pay attention to am I running away from something
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Speaker 1: thinking this will be the answer to my happiness without
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Speaker 1: looking at yourself internally and thinking what could also be
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Speaker 1: changed right now? Which brings me to point number two,
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Speaker 1: which is am I taking the old version of me
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Speaker 1: with me to this new part of my life? Okay,
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Speaker 1: So if you are miserable, if you have this jaded
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Speaker 1: out look, if you are negative all the time, then
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Speaker 1: you changing that one external thing is not going to
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Speaker 1: change who you are innately as a person. It can
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Speaker 1: have positive influence on you to an extent, but you've
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Speaker 1: got to really pay attention to when you make change
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Speaker 1: for yourself, You've also got to look at changing yourself, okay,
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Speaker 1: and that also comes to perspective and how you look
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Speaker 1: at things. I'm going to give an example of the
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Speaker 1: dating scene. Say you're single and you've had a whole
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Speaker 1: string of really unfortunate relationships where things have just not
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Speaker 1: gone well. If you are in this position and you're
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Speaker 1: thinking everything's fucked, everything, everyone's out to get me, a
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Speaker 1: typical one of like all men are fucked, or all
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Speaker 1: women are fucked, all xyz is fucked. You're in this
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Speaker 1: position of being really really jaded. But then you might
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Speaker 1: be thinking, but I really want to I hate being single,
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Speaker 1: I hate being single. I really want to be in
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Speaker 1: a relationship. I hate being single. So what's going on here?
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Speaker 1: You're kind of contradicting yourself. You're saying all relationships are fucked,
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Speaker 1: But I also don't want to be single. So this
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Speaker 1: equals miserable, right. I don't want to commit to being
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Speaker 1: happy single without a partner. I also don't want to
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Speaker 1: commit to being happy in a relationship, but you're telling yourself,
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Speaker 1: but if I had a good relationship, then I would
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Speaker 1: actually be happy. Okay. So then let's say you find
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Speaker 1: someone to enter a relationship with. You're still bring in
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Speaker 1: unless you're making the personal changes on yourself. You're still
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Speaker 1: bringing the old version of you, jaded, unhappy, expecting things
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Speaker 1: to go wrong, expecting to be hurt, being like, my
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Speaker 1: bias has been proven correct yet again. And you're bringing
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Speaker 1: that old version of you into this relationship, but you
8:55
Speaker 1: don't realize you're doing it. So at the start, the
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Speaker 1: relationship is really good, okay, because relationships, if not all,
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Speaker 1: at the very beginning, are going to be fun, exciting
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Speaker 1: huntiman period fun tu fun. There's no drama, there's no negativity.
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Speaker 1: So you're thinking, oh, this person has now made me happy.
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Speaker 1: This person has made me happy, not myself they have. Then,
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Speaker 1: as relationships evolve and you get back to doing the
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Speaker 1: everyday thing, the mundane, you start getting disappointed, you're unhappy.
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Speaker 1: All these jaded feelings are like that were underlying the
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Speaker 1: whole time, resurface and then you think you know, relationships
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Speaker 1: are fuck or you know, you start thinking all these
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Speaker 1: things and you've probably got one foot in the door,
9:28
Speaker 1: one foot out of the door, and then the relationship ends,
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Speaker 1: and you think, see, I knew this was going to end.
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Speaker 1: I knew it, I knew what I knew it. This
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Speaker 1: person was going to take my happiness away. They gave
9:37
Speaker 1: it to me and they've taken it away. Okay. So
9:39
Speaker 1: here you are bringing your version of your old self
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Speaker 1: from every other relationship into the next. Okay. And it's
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Speaker 1: not to say that you're to blame for what goes
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Speaker 1: on from what other people do, but it is to
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Speaker 1: say that there is a lot that you can change
9:52
Speaker 1: about how you perceive a situation, which changes your experience
9:56
Speaker 1: of that situation. Because the moment you change how you
9:58
Speaker 1: perceive a situation, it changes how you be have in
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Speaker 1: that situation. Another great example of this is say you're
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Speaker 1: in a relationship, and this is a huge one. I
10:04
Speaker 1: get questions like this all the time. You're in a
10:06
Speaker 1: relationship where you are not sure if you want to continue.
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Speaker 1: You're like, they're a good person, they're great, we've had
10:13
Speaker 1: a great history together. But I don't even know if
10:15
Speaker 1: they're my person anymore. I'm not excited anymore. It's just
10:17
Speaker 1: not fun anymore. So you start going through all these
10:20
Speaker 1: things in your mind thinking, you know, I want a
10:24
Speaker 1: fun life again, I want it to be spontaneous, and
10:26
Speaker 1: you know, it was like this start, but it's dead.
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Speaker 1: It's going nowhere. This relationship's going nowhere, which might be
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Speaker 1: the case. But then if you're in this mindset thinking
10:34
Speaker 1: this is going nowhere, nothing's happening, it's not whatever, bah
10:36
Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah blah, then you're kind of stuck
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Speaker 1: in this phase of being like, I need to exit
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Speaker 1: this relationship. It's not giving me anything. But how much
10:44
Speaker 1: are you giving in this relationship right now? You're perceiving
10:49
Speaker 1: it as it's a dead end, So of course you're
10:52
Speaker 1: going to behave as if it were a dead end.
10:54
Speaker 1: You know, what would happen if you were to think
10:57
Speaker 1: and I'm not talking about unhealthy relationships where abuse is
10:59
Speaker 1: going on, That is not what I'm talking about. I'm
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Speaker 1: talking about a relationship. But you're like, oh, I could
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Speaker 1: stay because they're great, but I also that you know,
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Speaker 1: the zest for life is gone in this relationship. What
11:08
Speaker 1: would happen if you were to start thinking, for the
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Speaker 1: next three months or two months or whatever timeframe, I
11:15
Speaker 1: am going to act like, as if this is the
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Speaker 1: best relationship I've ever been in, give it the best
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Speaker 1: fucking chance. I could give it and see what were
11:23
Speaker 1: to happen. So I could come into the relationship and
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Speaker 1: be like, all right, when my partner gets home, I'm
11:29
Speaker 1: going to say, hey, you know what, let's do something
11:31
Speaker 1: fun tonight. Let's let's change it up, let's do whatever.
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Speaker 1: Greet your partner differently, start flirting with them, start you know,
11:37
Speaker 1: the banter, and see how your partner responds. Because the
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Speaker 1: beauty of that is if you think I'm going to
11:44
Speaker 1: try and change myself now, I'm not going to wait
11:47
Speaker 1: for I'm not gonna wait to move to Paris. I'm
11:49
Speaker 1: not going to wait to get this new job and
11:51
Speaker 1: then expect things to change me. I'm going to change now.
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Speaker 1: And if I try and change myself now and look
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Speaker 1: at things differently, it doesn't say that I can't make
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Speaker 1: this big decision, doesn't say I can't decide to then
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Speaker 1: have that child, But it's going to make making that
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Speaker 1: decision a whole lot easier because in the example of
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Speaker 1: the relationship, two outcomes could happen. Your partner could turn
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Speaker 1: around and be like, oh my god, this is the
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Speaker 1: best version I've ever seen of you. I really value
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Speaker 1: this and I want this, and you've shown me that
12:19
Speaker 1: there's future in our relationship, and they reciprocate your feelings,
12:22
Speaker 1: and before you know it, you've resurrected this relationship from
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Speaker 1: the dead. Or what could happen is with you giving
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Speaker 1: it you're all with this energy, is that you start
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Speaker 1: to elevate, elevate, elevate. Your energy is in a different level.
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Speaker 1: Your partner's not meeting you there, your partner's not getting it.
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Speaker 1: You then get a much clearer answer, being like, I
12:38
Speaker 1: was right, this is not the right relationship for me.
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Speaker 1: Because I've grown and grown and grown. I've shown that
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Speaker 1: I'm positive, I've shown that I've tried to make it work.
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Speaker 1: I've really given it my all. I'm feeling happier than
12:48
Speaker 1: ever because my attitude has changed. And now because I'm
12:51
Speaker 1: happier than ever, I also feel more emotionally equipped to
12:54
Speaker 1: leave the relationship, and I feel more sure that we're
12:58
Speaker 1: not right for each other. So see how much better
13:01
Speaker 1: it feels walking away from a relationship being like, I
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Speaker 1: really gave it a good chance, I really loved you
13:06
Speaker 1: in the right way, and I can now tell that
13:09
Speaker 1: both of us are just not the right people for
13:10
Speaker 1: each other, and then you walk away not having doubts.
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Speaker 1: You walk away not being like, oh that was you know,
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Speaker 1: like the spark was gone and I wasn't sure. Maybe
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Speaker 1: it was right, maybe it was wrong. But you leave,
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Speaker 1: and then you're always thinking, did I leave my soul mate?
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Speaker 1: Did I leave? So I get asked so many times.
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Speaker 1: I fear that I've left my soulmate and I'm never
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Speaker 1: going to find love again. So that's what I mean.
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Speaker 1: Don't take your old self with you. Try and make
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Speaker 1: the personal changes now in the moment, so then when
13:34
Speaker 1: you go to make that big decision, either the decision
13:37
Speaker 1: has been made for you or you're like, wait a minute,
13:40
Speaker 1: I've allowed my life to flourish because the grass is
13:43
Speaker 1: greener on this side, or I've gotten a very clear
13:47
Speaker 1: answer that I now know for sure there's no doubts
13:49
Speaker 1: that I'm the best version of myself. I've worked on myself,
13:51
Speaker 1: and I'm taking my new self with me to that
13:53
Speaker 1: next thing, which is exactly in the position that I
13:55
Speaker 1: want you in. If you're deciding that you want to
13:58
Speaker 1: take that leap and do that decision number three, am
14:02
Speaker 1: I focusing on the negative, and is this the driving
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Speaker 1: force for wanting change? So in other words, am I
14:10
Speaker 1: running away from something, but I'm running towards I don't
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Speaker 1: know what the fuck? Or instead, is there something truly
14:16
Speaker 1: compelling about this job, this lifestyle, this city, or this
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Speaker 1: decision that's pulling me towards it. So whatever situation you're in,
14:24
Speaker 1: it like, am I running away but without a clear
14:26
Speaker 1: direction of where I want to go? Or am I
14:28
Speaker 1: being pulled towards something that's compelling and exciting. So, for example,
14:33
Speaker 1: if you're in a really miserable relationship and you think
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Speaker 1: the love is dead, but I don't want to leave
14:36
Speaker 1: this relationship, you might be thinking a child will fix
14:39
Speaker 1: everything that's actually running away. If you're fulfilled and happy
14:43
Speaker 1: and you love being with your family and you think
14:44
Speaker 1: family is everything, and I love what more of this?
14:46
Speaker 1: I want more of this than a child, you're compelled
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Speaker 1: to have the child. Okay, So there are two completely
14:52
Speaker 1: different reasons for wanting the child. One is an expansion
14:55
Speaker 1: of what I already have and I'm loving it. One
14:57
Speaker 1: is trying to run away from this thing and this
14:59
Speaker 1: is going to be what fixes it. This is what's
15:01
Speaker 1: going to help me escape the bad marriage because I'm
15:03
Speaker 1: bringing a child into it, and then we'll all of
15:04
Speaker 1: a sudden love each other. Notice the difference. The same
15:07
Speaker 1: goes for a job. If you're like, Wow, here's an
15:09
Speaker 1: opportunity that I'm like, I have to have this. It
15:12
Speaker 1: sparked something inside me. I can't stop thinking about it.
15:14
Speaker 1: It's passion, it's expanding ideas that you're compelled. If you're thinking,
15:20
Speaker 1: every time I come to work, I end up crying
15:21
Speaker 1: in the bathrooms. They fucking give me way too much work.
15:24
Speaker 1: This is bullshit. But then when you go and look
15:26
Speaker 1: for another job, you're always looking in the same industry
15:28
Speaker 1: because you kind of like the industry. So and you're thinking,
15:30
Speaker 1: but I don't really know what I want. I don't
15:31
Speaker 1: know what the change is. So what are you running
15:34
Speaker 1: away or are you compelled towards something? And I'm not
15:37
Speaker 1: saying that if the answer is running away, you've got
15:39
Speaker 1: to stay where you are. Don't run away, not at all.
15:41
Speaker 1: But it helps you frame what your next movie is
15:44
Speaker 1: because if the answer is yes, I'm focusing on the
15:47
Speaker 1: negative of what's happening in my situation and I'm just
15:49
Speaker 1: trying to get away from that. Negative. That's a good
15:52
Speaker 1: thing to identify because it's like, Okay, I still want
15:55
Speaker 1: to get away, and I'm completely entitled to do so,
15:58
Speaker 1: but what do I want? Because I could be running
16:01
Speaker 1: away from this job and slotting myself into the exact
16:03
Speaker 1: fucking job yet again, just at a different company, the
16:06
Speaker 1: exact same position. So you've got to think what do
16:09
Speaker 1: I actually want? Because I've identified the negative that I'm
16:12
Speaker 1: running away from, but I could be running away forever.
16:14
Speaker 1: And I'll give you a good example of this. When
16:17
Speaker 1: I had gone through that big breakup in my mid twenties,
16:20
Speaker 1: I said to my mom, that's it. I think I
16:23
Speaker 1: need to buy a ticket and move to the other
16:24
Speaker 1: side of the world. I just need to I need
16:25
Speaker 1: to get away. I need to get away, which I
16:27
Speaker 1: ended up doing like a year later or ten months later,
16:30
Speaker 1: but I was like, I need to do this now.
16:32
Speaker 1: And my mom said to me, She's like, Alexis, I'm
16:35
Speaker 1: all for you going overseas and traveling and whatever, but
16:37
Speaker 1: look at you. You are a mess. You can't even
16:40
Speaker 1: get off the couch. I literally cried on the couch
16:41
Speaker 1: for weeks. And I'm not exaggerating when I say weeks
16:44
Speaker 1: At least a week where I was on the couch
16:45
Speaker 1: with a bath towel drying my tears because like tissues
16:49
Speaker 1: were just I was wasting too many tissues. And she
16:51
Speaker 1: was like, you're a mess. She goes, the last thing
16:53
Speaker 1: you need right now is in the state that you're
16:55
Speaker 1: in to just run away and be crying on a
16:58
Speaker 1: couch on the other side of the world with no
17:00
Speaker 1: one there to support you. And I'm like, that is
17:04
Speaker 1: so fucking true. And the thought of that was so depressing.
17:06
Speaker 1: I'm like, I can just imagine myself in some random
17:09
Speaker 1: place in another country feeling even more isolated than ever.
17:12
Speaker 1: So instead I was like, well, I'll just move to Sydney.
17:14
Speaker 1: I've got a network that I've got my sister they
17:15
Speaker 1: I've got family there, and my idea to move to
17:17
Speaker 1: Sydney was there for a long time. But did Sydney
17:20
Speaker 1: help my breakup? Absolutely not. Did it help me in
17:23
Speaker 1: areas of trying to remove myself from the X, yes,
17:26
Speaker 1: I think that was very beneficial in that way. But
17:28
Speaker 1: I still brought my broken hearted self to Sydney, you know,
17:32
Speaker 1: which is fine. But I'm saying that it didn't cure me.
17:36
Speaker 1: It still took me doing the work on myself to
17:39
Speaker 1: get over it, and then later down the track, I'm like,
17:42
Speaker 1: now I need adventure. Now I'm craving change. I want
17:44
Speaker 1: to feel like I'm doing something significant. And then I
17:47
Speaker 1: went to Europe after about a year of working on
17:50
Speaker 1: myself and trying to heal. Was I taking too long
17:53
Speaker 1: to heal? In hindsight, yeah, I could have healed in
17:55
Speaker 1: a much more productive way. But then by the time
17:58
Speaker 1: I got to Europe, after working on myself and bringing
18:00
Speaker 1: my new self with me, I was able to look
18:03
Speaker 1: at it through a very different lens than I would
18:05
Speaker 1: have had I moved days after the breakup in a state,
18:08
Speaker 1: in a fucking state. I was like, honestly, so you
18:12
Speaker 1: look at it in that different way. I arrived in
18:14
Speaker 1: this country and I'm like, I now can really appreciate it.
18:18
Speaker 1: I now feel like this is the right move for me.
18:20
Speaker 1: I've done the work and now I'm here to reap
18:22
Speaker 1: the benefits. Finally. Okay, So if I was just running away,
18:26
Speaker 1: I would have gotten there and not seen the beauty,
18:28
Speaker 1: not seeing the excitement, not seeing all the opportunities that
18:31
Speaker 1: were there for me, Because you always have to ask
18:34
Speaker 1: yourself after the excitement of this move or this job
18:37
Speaker 1: change or having the baby or whatever has worn off,
18:41
Speaker 1: is the initial issue still occurring. You know, you're having
18:45
Speaker 1: like massive fights with your partner. You have a baby
18:47
Speaker 1: to fix the relationship. You know, the baby's born. You
18:50
Speaker 1: might be in this beautiful bubble. But then the if
18:52
Speaker 1: your issues haven't been addressed in the relationship, what's going
18:55
Speaker 1: to happen? And then now this is going into self awareness.
18:59
Speaker 1: Let's say you don't work well as a team. So
19:00
Speaker 1: you're in a job and for whatever reason, either because
19:04
Speaker 1: everyone's an asshole or because you turn people off you,
19:06
Speaker 1: whatever the reason is, you think everyone fucking hates me
19:10
Speaker 1: in this job. I'm changing jobs. I'm getting away from here.
19:12
Speaker 1: I never get along with my bosses. I get again
19:14
Speaker 1: my boss hates me yet again? My boss is this that?
19:16
Speaker 1: So I'm going to move. So then you move jobs
19:19
Speaker 1: and it's fine, it's exciting. During the whole interview process,
19:21
Speaker 1: everyone loves you. You interview really well. Then you get into
19:24
Speaker 1: the new job and within six months you're like, same
19:26
Speaker 1: fucking narratives. It's the same shit. So ask yourself, what
19:30
Speaker 1: do I actually want to run towards. I want to
19:32
Speaker 1: run towards a healthy team environment. I want to run
19:35
Speaker 1: towards a boss that I can actually really you know,
19:38
Speaker 1: vibe off and get along with. I want to go
19:40
Speaker 1: to a place where this more independence. So you start
19:42
Speaker 1: to identify what do I actually want to walk towards
19:45
Speaker 1: or to run towards. Because it's all well and good
19:47
Speaker 1: to know what you want to run away from, and
19:48
Speaker 1: you should get away from something that's not healthy. But
19:51
Speaker 1: if you keep just running away from things that don't
19:52
Speaker 1: work for you, you could easilyly slotting yourself back into the
19:55
Speaker 1: same fucking situations every time. So if your answer is
19:59
Speaker 1: I'm just running away, then I would encourage you, unless
20:01
Speaker 1: you're in an abusive situation, in which case run, But
20:04
Speaker 1: I would encourage you to pause and think. While I
20:07
Speaker 1: still want to leave and I acknowledge that, why don't
20:09
Speaker 1: I work on what getting a clearer idea of what
20:12
Speaker 1: I want before I take the jump? Because if you
20:15
Speaker 1: don't really know what you want and you're kind of
20:18
Speaker 1: still stuck in that same thing, then you're just going
20:20
Speaker 1: to repeat history again and again and again and again.
20:23
Speaker 1: If you're only ever running away, you're bringing the old
20:25
Speaker 1: self with you, and you're running away, there's no clear
20:28
Speaker 1: idea of what you want. Then I don't think that
20:30
Speaker 1: just change it's going to be the ultimate solution for you.
20:33
Speaker 1: I'm the biggest advocate for change. I encourage change more
20:37
Speaker 1: than staying in the same position. I want you to
20:39
Speaker 1: take that leap. But I want you to be in
20:41
Speaker 1: a position where you are comfortable within yourself with the
20:44
Speaker 1: decision that you've made. And once you go through all
20:47
Speaker 1: these questions, you're going to be like, Wow, there's work
20:49
Speaker 1: to be done now. And if I did that work,
20:52
Speaker 1: then in a month, in a week, in three months,
20:55
Speaker 1: I will have the clearest answer. And not only would
20:57
Speaker 1: I have the clear answer, but I'll be equipped to
20:58
Speaker 1: leave and to take that leap into buy that tick,
21:00
Speaker 1: to do all these things. I want ultimately for you
21:03
Speaker 1: to have that change, but I want you to feel
21:05
Speaker 1: really convicted that this is the right decision for you. Okay,
21:11
Speaker 1: Number four? What outcome do I What outcome do I
21:15
Speaker 1: think this thing will give me? Okay? So, and can
21:18
Speaker 1: I have any of that outcome now? Is it? Because
21:23
Speaker 1: the answer because the answer might be yes or no.
21:25
Speaker 1: And if the answer is yes, then there's a lot
21:27
Speaker 1: you can do now before you make that change. So
21:30
Speaker 1: am I seeking happiness? Am I seeking an outcome of peace?
21:33
Speaker 1: I just want peace? Am I seeking more independence? Am
21:37
Speaker 1: I seeking adventure? Am I seeking knowledge and expansion of
21:42
Speaker 1: my career and growth? What outcome am I seeking? Okay?
21:48
Speaker 1: And then this is where you want to think, can
21:51
Speaker 1: any of that be given to myself now? Because if
21:55
Speaker 1: you can give some of that to yourself, now, do
21:57
Speaker 1: it now before you make the change. There is so
22:00
Speaker 1: many things that you can do now before you make
22:02
Speaker 1: the change. Here's another example. You might be in a
22:05
Speaker 1: miserable life where you're thinking everything, shit, I hate my
22:08
Speaker 1: friendship group, I hate you know. I need a major change.
22:10
Speaker 1: I need a major change. Okay. Cool. So you take
22:13
Speaker 1: this dissatisfaction, dissatisfied version of yourself and then you take
22:17
Speaker 1: it to another location. You move cities, but here you
22:19
Speaker 1: are still shitty. You wake up miserable, you're still you know,
22:22
Speaker 1: like you just haven't nothing's changed. Or you go and
22:25
Speaker 1: decide I'm going to do three months in New York.
22:26
Speaker 1: You go to New York. You're still waking up really late.
22:29
Speaker 1: You're fucking rolling around in your bed, scrolling through your phone.
22:31
Speaker 1: You get outside, you're shitty, You're thinking about your friends,
22:33
Speaker 1: back at home, who you hate all this shit, right?
22:36
Speaker 1: But instead, what if you were like, Okay, before I
22:39
Speaker 1: moved to New York for those three months, what if
22:41
Speaker 1: I was to start setting a hectic morning routine. What
22:44
Speaker 1: if I was to start doing all these things? What
22:46
Speaker 1: if I was to start trying to find pockets where
22:49
Speaker 1: I love my life? And then by the end of that,
22:52
Speaker 1: You'll be so empowered. You'll start to be like, Now,
22:54
Speaker 1: I've got a routine. I'm getting up early, I'm getting
22:56
Speaker 1: into the sunlight every morning, I'm not hooked on my phone.
22:58
Speaker 1: I've started to reduce these addictive behaviors. I've started to
23:01
Speaker 1: make my life one that I actually like. I started
23:04
Speaker 1: to like reach out to other people. I've started to
23:06
Speaker 1: reach out to other people in New York to try
23:08
Speaker 1: and hang out with all these things that by the
23:10
Speaker 1: time I go to New York, not only am I
23:12
Speaker 1: already the creator of my own happiness. I've done that already.
23:15
Speaker 1: I'm not expecting New York to make me happy, but
23:18
Speaker 1: I'm bringing the best fuck and version of myself to
23:21
Speaker 1: New York, so I'm going to get even better experiences.
23:25
Speaker 1: So see how both things tie in. You create your
23:28
Speaker 1: own happiness and then that external thing that you thought
23:30
Speaker 1: would bring you happiness isn't the creator of your happiness,
23:32
Speaker 1: but it expands your experience. It expands your happiness. It
23:36
Speaker 1: gives you those things that you were seeking, but you're
23:39
Speaker 1: bringing your happiness with you to be able to absorb
23:41
Speaker 1: those things you are seeking. Okay, Basically what I'm saying
23:45
Speaker 1: is that happiness can never be found in these external
23:48
Speaker 1: things because you are always going to bring yourself with you.
23:51
Speaker 1: And if yourself is dissatisfied, someone who never sticks to
23:55
Speaker 1: a routine, someone who's never finding happiness in the moment,
23:58
Speaker 1: someone who's always pacifying themselves by using addictive behaviors to
24:01
Speaker 1: get by. You're always counting down the week to get
24:03
Speaker 1: to the weekend. That version of you is not going
24:05
Speaker 1: to change. If you go to the other side of
24:06
Speaker 1: the world, that same version of you will exist, but
24:10
Speaker 1: just under the Eiffel Tower. Okay, it will exist, But
24:13
Speaker 1: in Manhattan it's going to exist just in another location.
24:16
Speaker 1: So you got to think, I'm still going to go,
24:19
Speaker 1: but how can I be happy within myself and I
24:22
Speaker 1: take that upgraded version of that to this next location,
24:27
Speaker 1: Then you'll be happy when you're there. Then you'll be
24:30
Speaker 1: happy because you created your own happiness. Never make a
24:33
Speaker 1: change thinking I'm doing this because it's going to make
24:35
Speaker 1: me happy, or I'm doing this because I'm running away
24:38
Speaker 1: from this thing, and then I'll just find the solution
24:39
Speaker 1: when i'm there. The happiness has to begin within and
24:44
Speaker 1: then the beauty of it is. I'm huge on attraction.
24:47
Speaker 1: Like attracts, like similar thoughts, attract similar thoughts, you know,
24:50
Speaker 1: sells that fire together, wire together. You can look at
24:52
Speaker 1: it from a spiritual level, or you could look at
24:54
Speaker 1: it from a scientific level, but attraction is the most
24:57
Speaker 1: important thing you've got to focus on in your life.
24:59
Speaker 1: And when you in that feeling state of feeling really good,
25:04
Speaker 1: you're feeling like proactive instead of reactive to situations that
25:07
Speaker 1: are happening. You're the creator of your own happiness by
25:09
Speaker 1: focusing on your own routines, by focusing on, you know,
25:13
Speaker 1: being more present in the moment, being more appreciative of
25:15
Speaker 1: what is in front of you. That expands people are
25:19
Speaker 1: attracted to you. Opportunities come your way, not because of
25:22
Speaker 1: some mystical thing, but because you are in a completely
25:25
Speaker 1: different state ready to receive. And when something comes knocking
25:29
Speaker 1: on your door, you're like I can handle that. I
25:30
Speaker 1: can do that versus all I could never. I could
25:32
Speaker 1: never imposter syndrome. I'm not going to do that. Okay,
25:35
Speaker 1: So this all has to start before you make the change,
25:39
Speaker 1: And no matter what the decision is, babies, jobs, moving, breakups,
25:43
Speaker 1: no matter what the decision is, you will feel infinitely
25:47
Speaker 1: more empowered to make that decision, follow through with it
25:51
Speaker 1: when you are happier within yourself, and then that decision
25:54
Speaker 1: is going to go much better for you once you
25:57
Speaker 1: do it.
25:57
Speaker 2: Okay, why okay?
26:10
Speaker 1: And number five? Well, look, five is I've kind of
26:14
Speaker 1: already covered it, but I'm going to reiterate it as
26:15
Speaker 1: its own individual point because I rambled in the last one.
26:18
Speaker 1: But five is, now that you've identified everything I've asked
26:22
Speaker 1: you so far, am I running away? Am I you know?
26:24
Speaker 1: Do I have? Do I know exactly what it is
26:26
Speaker 1: that I want? Am I clear on the experiences that
26:29
Speaker 1: I want? Then you want to ask yourself how much
26:32
Speaker 1: of what I am seeking can I start to create? Here?
26:36
Speaker 1: Remember like attracts like If I can start creating what
26:42
Speaker 1: I am seeking now, even just a sceric of it,
26:46
Speaker 1: then it's going to be a lot easier for me
26:49
Speaker 1: to start bringing in more of the same, more of
26:51
Speaker 1: the same, more of the same. If I think a
26:52
Speaker 1: good thought, it's easy to bring in a good thought.
26:54
Speaker 1: If I'm really positive in the way I behave with
26:56
Speaker 1: my friends, it's really easy to bring more of the
26:58
Speaker 1: same interaction. If I'm kind to my partner, even if
27:01
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about leaving the relationship, it will change my
27:03
Speaker 1: perspective on this relationship. And then if I do still
27:07
Speaker 1: end up leaving this relationship, I leave with my own closure.
27:11
Speaker 1: I can create my own closure. I leave knowing that
27:14
Speaker 1: it's the right thing. I leave sure of my decision.
27:16
Speaker 1: I leave with an open heart. I'm not jaded, I'm
27:20
Speaker 1: not pissed off, I don't feel hard done by. I
27:22
Speaker 1: leave with certainty. So, so much of what you are
27:26
Speaker 1: seeking can be worked on now. I'm not bringing my
27:29
Speaker 1: old self with me to this new experience. I'm bringing
27:32
Speaker 1: the new version of me, the wiser, happier version of me,
27:37
Speaker 1: to this new experience. So I can actually reap more
27:40
Speaker 1: of the benefits when I embark on that thing. So
27:42
Speaker 1: people will become attracted to me, and I don't repeat
27:45
Speaker 1: history time and time again. Same with opportunities, same with everything. Okay,
27:49
Speaker 1: now separate to those five questions. Well, let's let's quickly
27:52
Speaker 1: go over those five questions. So are you looking at
27:55
Speaker 1: this external thing as what will make me happy? Number two?
27:59
Speaker 1: Is am I take the old me with me? Number three?
28:02
Speaker 1: Is am I focusing on the negative? And is this
28:04
Speaker 1: the driving force for wanting change? As in, is this
28:08
Speaker 1: change I seek just to run away from where I
28:10
Speaker 1: am now? Number four? What outcome do I think this thing,
28:14
Speaker 1: this change that I want, will give me? Like? Really,
28:17
Speaker 1: what is the outcome? And if I really break it down,
28:19
Speaker 1: am I happy with that outcome? And number five? How
28:22
Speaker 1: much of what I am seeking can I start to
28:24
Speaker 1: create here? You know, instead of looking at it as
28:27
Speaker 1: the grass is greener on the other side. How much
28:28
Speaker 1: is in my control to be created now? And then
28:32
Speaker 1: the change is just that cherry on top. It's what
28:35
Speaker 1: really gets my life cranking and what really takes it
28:39
Speaker 1: to the next level. But the initial changes I've created
28:42
Speaker 1: right now, before you embark on this and think, well fuck,
28:48
Speaker 1: do I make the change? Do I stay where I am?
28:49
Speaker 1: I'm still not one hundred percent sure. I want you
28:52
Speaker 1: to realize that you are actually more likely to be
28:56
Speaker 1: satisfied with change than not once you commit to the change.
29:02
Speaker 1: So it ultimately comes down to knowing what emotional outcome
29:06
Speaker 1: you want. It's not about running away, It's not about, oh,
29:09
Speaker 1: this has become uncomfortable. I've got to shift to shift
29:11
Speaker 1: to shift shift, You got to think what do I want?
29:13
Speaker 1: Like I said before, is it adventure? Is it happiness?
29:16
Speaker 1: How much of it can you provide for yourself all
29:18
Speaker 1: of these questions? Is it identifying it? Is it a
29:24
Speaker 1: me problem that I'm just going to keep taking with
29:26
Speaker 1: me wherever I go because I really realize that I'm
29:28
Speaker 1: such a pessimist and every situation ends up being negative
29:31
Speaker 1: once I involve myself in it. Or is it an
29:32
Speaker 1: external problem? No, I've brought my best self forward. I've
29:35
Speaker 1: really done the work on myself, and it's just not
29:37
Speaker 1: fucking working out. You know, you're trying to ask yourself
29:39
Speaker 1: all these questions before you make that change. But if
29:42
Speaker 1: you've looked at everything, if you've like, no, I'm not
29:45
Speaker 1: doing the grasses green, and I've made the change for myself.
29:47
Speaker 1: I've done all these things. And if you still wanting
29:49
Speaker 1: change after answering all those questions, then you'll be happy
29:52
Speaker 1: to know that statistics are on your side because this
29:56
Speaker 1: article was published in twenty twenty by economist Steve and
30:00
Speaker 1: leave it. And they asked, or he asked thousands and
30:04
Speaker 1: thousands of people to make a decision on a dilemma
30:09
Speaker 1: that they have based on a coin toss. And this
30:12
Speaker 1: could be you know, quitting their job or taking that
30:16
Speaker 1: new job. You know, it could be shaving their bed off,
30:20
Speaker 1: it could be whatever the decision was. But something that
30:22
Speaker 1: were like arming and ring about between the two do
30:24
Speaker 1: I not, well, what's the best decision for me? And
30:27
Speaker 1: we're talking thousands I think it was over twenty thousand
30:29
Speaker 1: people that they studied that they you know, got involved
30:33
Speaker 1: in the study study six months later, after the decision
30:37
Speaker 1: based on the coin toss, so it's like, should I
30:39
Speaker 1: shave my bed, yes or no? Bang toss the coin
30:41
Speaker 1: of shaving my bid okay? Or I'm moving countries, I'm
30:45
Speaker 1: quitting my job, whatever it is. After the coin toss
30:48
Speaker 1: six months later, in the follow up, those that had
30:50
Speaker 1: made the change because of the coin toss, So those
30:53
Speaker 1: were the coin toss said yes you have to change,
30:55
Speaker 1: versus no, you don't have to change. The ones that
30:57
Speaker 1: made the change six months later were a lot happier
31:00
Speaker 1: with their decision. The group of people who tossed the
31:03
Speaker 1: coin and it said no, don't change, keep doing what
31:05
Speaker 1: you're doing. Initially, we're happy in the first month or two,
31:08
Speaker 1: but at the six month follow up were not as
31:11
Speaker 1: happy with their decisions. So on a statistical level, it
31:14
Speaker 1: was a lot more significant. Of the people that had
31:16
Speaker 1: created change based on a coin toss were a lot
31:18
Speaker 1: happier with their decision, which shows that in general, when
31:22
Speaker 1: you make a big change down the line, you are
31:25
Speaker 1: more likely to be happy with that change that you've made.
31:28
Speaker 1: We like to change, we like to adapt, and I think,
31:31
Speaker 1: and the study doesn't say this, but I think that
31:33
Speaker 1: the reason for that is that we are constantly evolving
31:36
Speaker 1: and changing. It is in our nature, it is in
31:37
Speaker 1: the nature of everything on earth to always be evolving
31:41
Speaker 1: and changing. So when I always talk about chase change
31:45
Speaker 1: and it's your responsibility to chase change, it's because it's
31:48
Speaker 1: either going to happen to you or you're the driving
31:50
Speaker 1: force behind it. But change is inevitable. So I think
31:53
Speaker 1: that the reason why people were happy with it is
31:54
Speaker 1: because they felt empowered that they were the force behind
31:57
Speaker 1: that change. Six months later, they look and they're like, yeah,
31:59
Speaker 1: I'm happy that I did that thing. I'm really happy
32:01
Speaker 1: that I quit my job or I moved or I
32:02
Speaker 1: did all these things based on a coin toss. Okay,
32:06
Speaker 1: so my main takeaway in all of this is go
32:10
Speaker 1: for the change, but make sure that when you are
32:13
Speaker 1: going for change, you are focusing primarily on the internal
32:17
Speaker 1: change first. What can I change about my own attitude?
32:20
Speaker 1: What can I change about how I perceive this? What
32:22
Speaker 1: can I change? What is a current theme that I
32:24
Speaker 1: take with me every single time? And can I break
32:26
Speaker 1: that down further and see if I can change that?
32:28
Speaker 1: Am I always negative? Do I end up thinking that
32:31
Speaker 1: people owe me? And then because of this I end
32:34
Speaker 1: up being like a less exciting version of myself to
32:38
Speaker 1: be around? Do I think that I'm a great company?
32:40
Speaker 1: But if I really break it down, I'm actually not
32:42
Speaker 1: that great to be around. Am I really critical of people?
32:44
Speaker 1: And then I get annoyed when they get turned off
32:47
Speaker 1: my energy? You know, what is it that I'm bringing
32:49
Speaker 1: with me to every single scenario? And the answer might
32:52
Speaker 1: be no, I'm perfect. Nothing I've done all that I'm perfect?
32:54
Speaker 1: Will then make the change? Okay, but I'm all for change.
32:58
Speaker 1: Change is one of the best things you can do.
33:00
Speaker 1: But make sure that the change isn't always external, and
33:02
Speaker 1: that you're not always running away to the next thing,
33:04
Speaker 1: the running away, running away. The change has to happen within,
33:07
Speaker 1: and then when you make the external physical change, you're
33:09
Speaker 1: really going to reap the rewards of it. You're not
33:11
Speaker 1: going to be repeating history again. It's actually going to
33:13
Speaker 1: feel fucking good. Now. I do have I put on
33:17
Speaker 1: my Instagram question box for people to send in questions
33:22
Speaker 1: regarding this whole thing, and I'm going to answer just
33:26
Speaker 1: a couple of questions. A lot of them were harvered
33:31
Speaker 1: in the episode, but I thought i'd just go through
33:33
Speaker 1: and like pluck out some more questions. Someone wrote, I'm
33:38
Speaker 1: currently working three jobs because I'm too afraid to leave.
33:42
Speaker 1: I hate letting people down, so I'm stuck in those
33:45
Speaker 1: three jobs because i want to please my bosses. Okay,
33:50
Speaker 1: so you're currently in a situation where the reason why
33:52
Speaker 1: you're struggling to change is because of guilts. Okay again,
33:57
Speaker 1: and I didn't address this in this episode, but I
33:59
Speaker 1: have a dressed to this a lot. This is one
34:01
Speaker 1: of those situations where you are trying, you're focusing too
34:05
Speaker 1: heavily on a factor, a variable that you have no
34:08
Speaker 1: control over, and that is someone else's feelings. You can't
34:11
Speaker 1: base your decision around how someone's going to respond and
34:15
Speaker 1: their feelings if that decision is impacting you the most.
34:19
Speaker 1: It is your life, it is your job, it is
34:21
Speaker 1: where you're going with your life and the trajectory of it. Okay,
34:24
Speaker 1: And because you don't want to hurt your boss's feelings,
34:27
Speaker 1: you're now literally changing the direction of your life or
34:31
Speaker 1: forcing the same of like more of the same. Because
34:35
Speaker 1: you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings, you have no
34:38
Speaker 1: control over that person's feelings. You don't know how they're
34:40
Speaker 1: going to react. You could obviously try and do it
34:43
Speaker 1: in a way that's as amicable as possible, but at
34:45
Speaker 1: the end of the day, if someone's going to be disappointed,
34:47
Speaker 1: if someone's going to be annoyed, angry, or upset, there's
34:50
Speaker 1: nothing you could really do to change it other than
34:53
Speaker 1: to please them by staying. But if you then please
34:55
Speaker 1: them by staying, they know that you want to leave,
34:58
Speaker 1: but you're only staying for them, and then you're to
35:00
Speaker 1: be miserable being like, great, I've stayed, and yeah, they're
35:02
Speaker 1: happy but now I'm miserable. Okay, So you've got to
35:05
Speaker 1: always look at I've got to look at the things
35:09
Speaker 1: that I can control, and also look at it is
35:12
Speaker 1: this going to be something that impacts me six months
35:15
Speaker 1: down the line or one year down the line. Really
35:17
Speaker 1: important to think of those things, because then you're going
35:20
Speaker 1: to be able to be like, all right, well they're
35:22
Speaker 1: going to replace me, right, they're going to get another employee,
35:25
Speaker 1: and they're going to get over it. You know, will
35:28
Speaker 1: we still get along or whatever. Well, that's up to
35:30
Speaker 1: how the dynamic of our relationship is. But I can't
35:33
Speaker 1: base my life decisions on someone else's feelings. Another thing,
35:37
Speaker 1: especially when it comes to work, is that and I
35:40
Speaker 1: also have suffered or struggled with this in the past
35:44
Speaker 1: for sure as well, especially if I've gotten really along
35:46
Speaker 1: with my employers. But you always have to remind yourself,
35:49
Speaker 1: especially when it comes to work, that this is a
35:53
Speaker 1: it is an exchange of value, right you go to them. Yes,
35:57
Speaker 1: you might have a friendship, but that friendship is separate
35:59
Speaker 1: to the job itself. Okay, And if it's a real
36:01
Speaker 1: friendship with your boss, the friendship should survive this. And
36:04
Speaker 1: if it's not, and you just get along because you're
36:06
Speaker 1: a good worker. Then it's met its end. Okay. Because
36:11
Speaker 1: I'm providing you my time and my services or my
36:14
Speaker 1: expertise or whatever it is that I provide for you
36:16
Speaker 1: in this job, and you give me money for it,
36:18
Speaker 1: I am now asking or telling you that I'm now
36:21
Speaker 1: leaving and I don't expect anything from you in return.
36:23
Speaker 1: I'm not still getting your money. You're going to now
36:25
Speaker 1: funnel that money into somebody else and I'm going to
36:27
Speaker 1: move on. You know, it's a value exchange. It's business,
36:31
Speaker 1: and yes, you can be emotional when it comes to
36:32
Speaker 1: it because it is your life and you care about
36:34
Speaker 1: people's feelings, but it shouldn't stop you from making a
36:36
Speaker 1: decision that's going to benefit you in the long term. Okay,
36:39
Speaker 1: don't ever get stuck in a position because you feel bad.
36:42
Speaker 1: I have felt bad so many times, and I still care,
36:45
Speaker 1: but I still have to allow the bigger picture to
36:48
Speaker 1: override these feelings of feeling bad. Okay, because for them,
36:53
Speaker 1: you're an employee of many. For you, it's your life trajectory.
36:57
Speaker 1: So what are you going to value more? Okay? Next question,
37:02
Speaker 1: would you regret it in the future if you didn't
37:04
Speaker 1: do it. You know what, You're more likely to regret
37:07
Speaker 1: something that you didn't do versus regretting something that you
37:10
Speaker 1: do when you make a decision, and there was a
37:12
Speaker 1: lot of these questions come around, will I regret leaving
37:15
Speaker 1: my partner? You've got to remind yourself why did I
37:17
Speaker 1: leave my partner in the first place. There's no fucking
37:19
Speaker 1: way you've left your partner when everything was amazing and
37:21
Speaker 1: you were in love and you're like, this is it,
37:23
Speaker 1: this is the one, and then you're like, oh, Saya,
37:26
Speaker 1: you left for a reason. The reason you're doubting yourself
37:29
Speaker 1: now is because you likely crave love. You don't like
37:33
Speaker 1: being alone. Maybe you're not one hundred percent comfortable in
37:35
Speaker 1: your own company yet. Maybe you think you're a ticking
37:37
Speaker 1: time bomb. Maybe you think that there's a timeline that
37:39
Speaker 1: you have to adhere to. But a lot of these
37:42
Speaker 1: fears cumulate and stack and stack and stack and stack,
37:44
Speaker 1: and then you think, well, they were a good option.
37:46
Speaker 1: No other option has come by. Fuck, have I made
37:48
Speaker 1: a mistake? You haven't made a mistake. You left for
37:51
Speaker 1: a reason. To leave a relationship is a big fucking call,
37:54
Speaker 1: and if you made that call, you need to remind
37:56
Speaker 1: yourself of where you were at and what you were
37:58
Speaker 1: feeling at the time of making that call, and it
38:00
Speaker 1: was probably right the only time, well not the only time.
38:04
Speaker 1: But I think most people might regret a relationship situation
38:07
Speaker 1: is if they treated their partner like shit and then
38:09
Speaker 1: their partner had enough of their bullshit and left them,
38:11
Speaker 1: And then you can look back being like, Wow, had
38:13
Speaker 1: I treated them better, we could have been together and
38:16
Speaker 1: I would have had this beautiful partner with me. But
38:18
Speaker 1: this is not the situation. If you've left someone, you
38:21
Speaker 1: thought long and hard about it, and then things aren't
38:24
Speaker 1: looking great for you in the immediate future, it's going
38:27
Speaker 1: to be really easy to think I've made a mistake,
38:29
Speaker 1: but that's not the case. You've got to give it time.
38:32
Speaker 1: You've got to allow yourself to settle. You've also got
38:34
Speaker 1: to allow yourself to heal and be the normal version
38:36
Speaker 1: of you, because you can't compare heartbroken version of myself
38:39
Speaker 1: where I'm really confused and feeling alone with secure version
38:42
Speaker 1: of me who was loved by somebody else and I
38:45
Speaker 1: was a lot more confident because you know, I felt
38:47
Speaker 1: really safe emotionally. You can't compare those two. You've got
38:50
Speaker 1: to allow yourself to heal first, and then the healed
38:53
Speaker 1: version of you will look at it with much kinder eyes,
38:56
Speaker 1: being like that was the right decision for me. Okay,
38:58
Speaker 1: don't think I'm paying heartbroken on whatever, because you're comparing
39:01
Speaker 1: two completely different versions of yourself and it's not fair.
39:05
Speaker 1: Now let's do another two. Someone said, I feel like
39:08
Speaker 1: I have to get so unhappy with where I am
39:11
Speaker 1: at that I then can't deny the need to change.
39:14
Speaker 1: And this is really common. A lot of people wait
39:17
Speaker 1: till there's no other option but to change, till it's
39:19
Speaker 1: like it's reached saturation point, till you've hit rock bottom.
39:23
Speaker 1: And the reason for that is because you're currently run
39:28
Speaker 1: by fear. You operate on fear. If you have to
39:31
Speaker 1: wait for rock bottom to happen, you have nothing to lose,
39:35
Speaker 1: and then it's really easy to make the change before
39:37
Speaker 1: you've lost everything, before you've hit rock bottom. And not
39:40
Speaker 1: talking about like material possessions, I'm talking about even emotionally,
39:43
Speaker 1: like you sometimes have to wait until you couldn't be sadder,
39:47
Speaker 1: Like it's I'm just at the saddest I've ever been
39:48
Speaker 1: a torrible Now I actually have to make change because
39:50
Speaker 1: there's nothing to lose. You you're the saddest you've ever been.
39:53
Speaker 1: You can't get sadder from here now and make the change.
39:56
Speaker 1: When you feel that there's things to risk, you're in
39:59
Speaker 1: this fearful mentality, like there's I could lose this, I
40:02
Speaker 1: could lose that, I could lose that. You're now focusing
40:05
Speaker 1: on loss, loss, loss, lack, lack, lack, lack lack, and
40:09
Speaker 1: that's going to bring more of the same feeling. So
40:11
Speaker 1: then you're gonna feel I've got to hold onto my
40:12
Speaker 1: shit tired, I've got a hold tight. And then when
40:14
Speaker 1: everything's gone, then you're like, all right, now can make
40:17
Speaker 1: the change. It's not brave to change when everything's been
40:20
Speaker 1: lost because you have nothing to lose, You've only got
40:23
Speaker 1: something to gain. That's why hitting rock bottom is very
40:26
Speaker 1: beneficial for a lot of people, because you find yourself
40:28
Speaker 1: in a position where you've hit rock bottom, you're still
40:30
Speaker 1: alive and there is somewhere to go from here. Okay,
40:33
Speaker 1: but don't wait to hit rock bottom because you your
40:36
Speaker 1: life is going to be a series of really dramatic events,
40:38
Speaker 1: highs and lows, highs and lows. When you want to
40:40
Speaker 1: be on this nice, steady trajectory upwards where there might
40:43
Speaker 1: be some slips, but overall you're always working to improve.
40:47
Speaker 1: Part of that includes deciding between two things. A decision,
40:53
Speaker 1: a difficult decision is because both options are relatively good.
40:57
Speaker 1: Otherwise it's not going to be a hard decision, you know,
40:59
Speaker 1: if you if you hit rock bottom, there's really no
41:01
Speaker 1: decision to make. It's like I can stay in this
41:03
Speaker 1: pile of shit or I can do something good. Like
41:05
Speaker 1: it's not really it's a no brainer. So you've got
41:08
Speaker 1: to start to get more comfortable with making the decisions
41:11
Speaker 1: that are a bit harder for yourself and acknowledge that
41:13
Speaker 1: the reason it's a difficult decision is because there's good
41:16
Speaker 1: on both sides. You know, either I feel secure here
41:19
Speaker 1: and I'm giving up that sense of security for potentially
41:23
Speaker 1: happiness somewhere else, or to feel better about myself somewhere else,
41:26
Speaker 1: or to escape this you know, relationship where I feel
41:30
Speaker 1: like undervalued, but then I've got, you know, the opportunity
41:34
Speaker 1: of another partner somewhere else that where I feel like
41:36
Speaker 1: it's a proper exchange. Okay, So I think it's really
41:39
Speaker 1: important to remind yourself of those things. Last one someone
41:50
Speaker 1: said should I be weighing up the pros and cons
41:52
Speaker 1: when I make this decision, I would be look. Pros
41:56
Speaker 1: and cons lists are sometimes detrimental because if you're in it,
42:01
Speaker 1: and I'm talking about big life decisions here, I'm not
42:03
Speaker 1: talking about shaving your beerd off. I'm talking about big
42:05
Speaker 1: life decisions here that are likely irreversible, or if you
42:09
Speaker 1: were to reverse it, you wouldn't go exactly back where
42:11
Speaker 1: you were, like maybe leaving a partner, giving up your
42:14
Speaker 1: LEAs and moving places. You could still get another lease,
42:16
Speaker 1: but it wouldn't be exactly the same. So we're talking
42:17
Speaker 1: about bigger decisions like that, leaving your job, all of that.
42:21
Speaker 1: The problem with the pros and cons list is that
42:23
Speaker 1: you already have the desire for change. Also, after you've
42:27
Speaker 1: answered these five questions that I gave you, not only
42:29
Speaker 1: are you seeking to run away, but you've got a
42:31
Speaker 1: much clearer idea of what it is that you're seeking.
42:33
Speaker 1: Now you're going to start doing the work on yourself
42:35
Speaker 1: to make sure that you're not bringing the old you
42:37
Speaker 1: into the new experience that you want to experience. So
42:40
Speaker 1: you're making your working on your happiness. Now you're thinking,
42:42
Speaker 1: what can I not take into this next experience, and
42:44
Speaker 1: then when that's done, then you get into a position
42:47
Speaker 1: where you're like, Okay, I now feel like I'm pretty
42:52
Speaker 1: sure of what I want. If I was to sit
42:53
Speaker 1: here and do a list of pros and cons, you're
42:55
Speaker 1: giving yourself way too much time to talk yourself out
42:59
Speaker 1: of any idea. That's the problem when people take too
43:02
Speaker 1: long to make a decision as well. You give yourself
43:04
Speaker 1: too much fucking time to talk yourself out of it.
43:07
Speaker 1: You can talk yourself out of the best idea you've
43:09
Speaker 1: ever had, because fear will take over like that, and
43:13
Speaker 1: because like attracts like. You think one bad thought, then
43:15
Speaker 1: you think another bad thought, that you think another bad thought.
43:18
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you right now you've already subconsciously got
43:21
Speaker 1: a very rough idea of the pros and cons. If
43:24
Speaker 1: it was so heavily skewed to stay, you probably wouldn't
43:26
Speaker 1: be having this intense desire to move on to the
43:29
Speaker 1: next thing in your life. So do I think you
43:31
Speaker 1: you should be doing lists of pros and cons? Not really,
43:38
Speaker 1: because I think you already know the answer. I think
43:41
Speaker 1: more importantly of these five questions that I've asked you,
43:43
Speaker 1: more than pros and cons because you can always find
43:45
Speaker 1: good in something and you can always find bad in something.
43:47
Speaker 1: And when you do a list of pros and cons,
43:49
Speaker 1: especially the cons or something that you've never yet you're
43:52
Speaker 1: yet to experience, then it's really unfair to this option
43:57
Speaker 1: that you haven't yet experienced. How can you write a
44:00
Speaker 1: list of cons or even pros of something you haven't
44:03
Speaker 1: experienced yet, So you're almost favoring staying or the safe
44:08
Speaker 1: bet every time, unless the safe bet is so uncomfortable,
44:12
Speaker 1: like the last question that I answered, that you have
44:14
Speaker 1: to actually leave. Okay, hopefully this is giving you more
44:18
Speaker 1: umph to make the change, but make sure that you
44:20
Speaker 1: make the change internally. First, bring the new self to
44:24
Speaker 1: the new experience, not the old self and repeat history again.
44:28
Speaker 1: I want you to be empowered to make the change,
44:29
Speaker 1: but in the right way. You're not running away, running away,
44:32
Speaker 1: running away, running away, running away could be beneficial, but
44:35
Speaker 1: not if you're repeating history every single time. Okay, guys,
44:38
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to today's episode. Love
44:41
Speaker 1: you guys so much. As always, remember bekind to yourself,
44:44
Speaker 1: be kind to your brain, don't take shit from anyone,
44:46
Speaker 1: and especially don't take shit from yourself. Don't ca. Also,
44:50
Speaker 1: my live show is well, this comes out on Monday,
44:52
Speaker 1: is on Thursday, and I'm so excited to meet you
44:54
Speaker 1: guys and see you all. I can't wait. And then
44:57
Speaker 1: later on I'll be doing more live shows, so this
44:59
Speaker 1: is not the only one. Don't worry, Love you guys,
45:02
Speaker 1: boy
45:13
Speaker 2: Listener