Latest / The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast / Should you agree to your ex-partner's demands to avoid going to court?

Transcript

Should you agree to your ex-partner's demands to avoid going to court? · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, thanks for joining me for another episode of the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: In one of last week's episodes, I spoke about the reality of family law and the court system when you're navigating a high conflict separation, divorce and particularly, co-parenting situation.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Today, what I wanted to discuss is whether or not you should ever just agree to your controlling or abusive ex-partner's demands in order to avoid the unpleasantness of the court system.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: The answer to that question for everyone is going to be somewhat different.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: The answer for you will be very specific to your situation.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: There will be a lot of different nuances when I'm speaking here from lived experience.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: For a long time, for many, many years I acquiesced to a particular situation that I had some degree of concern about.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: However, I was really fearful about the legal system and the court system, in large part because I didn't fully understand how those systems worked.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: But also my situation began 15 years ago when terms like family violence really were not being used.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: People weren't talking about coercive control and non-physical forms of violence against women.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: We weren't talking about post-separation abuse or anything like that.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: For a really long time, I didn't fully understand what it was that I had experienced or was continuing to experience.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: It took me a long time to put together those puzzle pieces.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: I've done a lot of reflecting over the years.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: I think that what contributed to my lack of action in terms of seeking parenting arrangements that were more in line with the best interests of my child, my lack of action around those things, I think was largely related to fear about the process and also fear of what the repercussions could be for me challenging the status quo.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: Also a lack of information about what it was that I was experiencing and what I could reasonably expect from the court system, and a bit of a naivety, bit of a misguided hope.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: I think that over time, if I just continually acquiesced, then the conflict that was coming my way would eventually stop, things would calm down and that we would be able to co-parent collaboratively.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: That was my hope.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: I was really concerned that commencing anything in the legal sphere would challenge our ability to ever be able to co-parent collaboratively.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: Now what I realise in hindsight is that there was never a chance of co-parenting collaboratively and I wasted a lot of time not taking action when I should have not taking action when I felt really uneasy about the arrangements that were in place and the impact that that was having With the work that I do.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: I've heard so many stories over the years of women who have acquiesced to all kinds of parenting arrangements with a controlling or abusive ex-partner out of fear Fear of how their ex-partner is going to react if they don't agree to what's being demanded.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: And often what's being demanded is equal shared care.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: When we're talking about a controlling and abusive person, seeking equal shared care is not related to any genuine love or connection they have with the children involved.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: Rather, it's often about minimizing child support obligations, maximizing their ability to control you, and that's got multi facets when we're talking about equal shared parenting arrangement.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: So with a parenting arrangement like that, there needs to be a fairly high level of co-parenting communication to manage all the things and also just the control that they then have of you, because they're spending so much time with the children and they have an opportunity to put forward a particular narrative to the kids, and oftentimes what that narrative is is that they are the victim and that you are the one that has broken up the family, you are the one that has taken all of their money, you are the one that is crazy or whatever the false accusation is.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: On some levels, they know that the best way to hurt you is to damage your relationship with the kids.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: So, linking what we're talking about now with the conversation that we had last week about the reality of the adversarial legal system court system in Australia, linking those two things together, it's understandable why so many women agree to care arrangements or even a financial settlement proposal that they don't believe is right.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: However, they're concerned about ongoing legal proceedings.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: They're concerned about entering in the court system.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: There can be a lot of fear around the potential court outcome being possibly worse than what they might be able to otherwise negotiate.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: There can also be concerns around finances and their ability to pay for legal representation, and this is where things like this can really morph into not just disagreements about a financial settlement or about parenting arrangements, but really start to take the form of ongoing legal abuse and financial abuse.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: It's not uncommon for an ex-partner who's demanding equal shared care and who is prepared to seek legal representation.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: It's not uncommon for that person to have access to funds to either have a high paying job or, potentially, friends or family members who are prepared to fund their legal representation and their application to the court.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: And it's not uncommon for the women who are dealing with that, to not have access to the same resources.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: However, even if you are struggling financially, there are things that you can do to ensure that you're making an informed decision, a decision that you feel comfortable with, rather than one that's based on emotions, rather than one that's based on fear.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: For example, you might be eligible for legal aid, and so it's worth investigating legal aid in your state.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: There are also organisations who are able to help clients fund their legal representation, and also there are lawyers who have different methods when it comes to their costs.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: There are some lawyers who have, for example, subscription packages when it comes to just general back and forth legal communication.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: Those things can help to make what can be a very costly process less costly and more manageable.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: The pathway that would be right for any particular person will be specific to their needs, and this is the sort of stuff that I help clients with helping to get them in touch with the right services for them.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Revisiting what I was sharing just a moment ago about the fact that part of my reasoning for acquiescing to demands being because I was hoping to, over time, establish a much more respectful, cooperative, collaborative, co-parenting relationship, it's important to recognise that acquiescing to demands when the person that you're dealing with has a history of coercive, manipulative and controlling behaviour, has a history of abusive behaviour.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: It's really important to understand that you acquiescing to them is actually not going to change that behaviour over the longer term.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: They may momentarily be pleased when you've given in to a demand understandably, because in that moment they're getting what they want.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: However, the conflict is still going to continue.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: The attempts to coerce, manipulate and control are still going to continue.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: The attempts to undermine your parenting are still going to continue.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: So it's really important that, if you are going to agree to what your controlling ex-partner is demanding, it's important that you understand that this is not going to ultimately lead to a better outcome for you.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: It's really not.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: If this is your game plan currently, if this is where you're finding yourself perhaps because, like me, you're fearful, perhaps fearful of their reaction, fearful of the court process Maybe you're just not sure how to actually go about telling them that you disagree.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Perhaps you're not sure how to actually word a message that starts to put in place some boundaries.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: These are all of the things that I'm able to support clients with, and I really encourage you to reach out and get support.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: If this is something that you're struggling with, because, as I mentioned earlier in this episode, I struggled with this for so much longer than what I should have and even though, in my situation, ultimately things did proceed to court, one of my regrets is that I didn't actually pursue that earlier.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: I think it potentially would have been far better if I had stopped acquiescing and started taking back my power and control and started advocating for myself and for my child much earlier than what I did, and that's one of the reasons why I do the work that I do now.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: I don't want other women to struggle with the same things that I struggled with for the length of time that I struggled with them.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: There absolutely is light at the end of this tunnel.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: You can create an amazing life for you and your children that doesn't involve you having to repeatedly give in to the demands of a controlling abuser.
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for joining me.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: I'll talk to you soon.