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S4E8 - Why Is My Child Aggressive and Sad? · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  where I answer real parenting questions about behavior,
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  emotions,
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  and the parent-child relationship.
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  In today's episode,
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  I'm answering a question from Christina,
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  and
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  this question is about
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  her son who's struggling and not really understanding the why,
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  not really understanding what to do.
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  So,
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  Christina,
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  I'm grateful for the question,
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  and I think this is going to be really helpful because
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  often
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  children's issues
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  and what they're struggling with.
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  It's hard to pinpoint exactly where it's coming from,
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  and then therefore behaviors emerge and everything just seems confusing.
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  So we'll read parts of this together and then we'll dive in.
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  My son has been struggling since he was 3.
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  I've seen a lot of lows and not so many highs.
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  I want to ask what to do when your child is not traditionally doing what his peers are.
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  And he has learned that to cope,
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  he needs to be aggressive and sad.
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  We're in therapy and we're still not finding the reasons for these behaviors.
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  He has been suspended from school
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  and I've had to call helpline for support.
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  I'm very concerned for him today and for his future.
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  OK.
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  So I think the first place that we start in a scenario like this
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  is understanding that behavior is always
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  an indication of pain.
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  So when we have children who are aggressive,
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  who are angry,
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  who are sad,
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  who are withdrawn,
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  who are
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  any kind of extreme,
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  Extremely fearful,
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  extremely avoidant,
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  whatever that is,
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  it's an indication of their pain point.
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  And it's easy to see it as frustrating behavior or confusing behavior,
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  but through the lens of its communication.
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  It changes the perception that we have.
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  We're able to change the way we respond
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  based on
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  seeing it for what it is,
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  which is,
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  this is my child's communication of their struggle.
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  So when you mention,
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  Christina,
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  that your child is aggressive and sad,
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  it's maladaptive coping.
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  But it's also an indication that he's struggling.
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  Now,
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  we go back to the understanding that kids know
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  that they're having a hard time.
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  Kids know that they have a struggle.
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  They don't know how to fix it,
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  but they know that this is not what other kids are dealing with
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  or this is extreme compared to what other kids deal with.
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  They,
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  they recognize their issues
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  at a subconscious level.
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  So when we think about the fact that your child is aggressive and sad in behavior.
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  He knows that that separates him from his peers.
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  So that brings me to your next question.
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  What to do when your child is not traditionally doing what his peers are doing?
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  Well,
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  when kids are disregulated,
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  it's hard for them to connect and relate to other kids.
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  Kids kind of.
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  Polish each other's rough edges off,
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  if you will.
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  So there's kind of a checks and balances that we see in peer interaction.
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  So the child who's super aggressive,
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  no one plays with.
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  The child who's super shy,
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  no one plays with.
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  The child who's super power and control driven,
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  no one plays with.
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  So over time,
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  kids naturally kind of
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  polish each other and slough off each other's rough
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  edges so that they can coexist more appropriately.
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  And if your son is kind of on an extreme end of some of those behaviors and feelings,
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  it's going to create some distance.
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  It's also hard for a child to connect with other kids
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  if
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  they have no sense of who they are.
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  And I
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  I actually think that's very relevant in your son's case,
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  Christina.
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  When a child does not have a sense of concept
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  of self-worth,
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  of self-value,
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  if they don't have an identity,
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  They are constantly trying to
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  make one up on the fly.
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  In other words,
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  oh,
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  today I'll be funny.
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  Oh,
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  today I'll be angry.
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  Today I'll order everybody around.
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  Today I'll be quiet in the corner.
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  And kids don't know
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  how to
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  interact with someone who is not constant.
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  So,
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  self-esteem and identity is also a huge component in social interactions.
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  If your children are struggling socially,
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  it almost always ties back to a self-esteem root
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  because
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  I don't know who I'm getting
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  as a peer
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  if every time I'm around you,
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  you act differently.
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  And we as humans are wired to categorize things and people.
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  So,
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  it's easy to make sense of the world when you
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  can put everything and everyone in a constructed box,
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  if you will.
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  So,
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  you're the athlete,
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  you're the academic,
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  you're the social butterfly,
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  you're the music person,
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  you're the jokester,
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  you're the so and so.
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  And so the way that our brain works,
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  we want to try to make sense of the world.
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  And a kid who doesn't have an identity,
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  you can't make sense of.
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  So,
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  I suspect that is a hindrance as well.
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  And I know you mentioned we're not finding
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  the reasons for these behaviors in therapy.
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  That's not
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  the point or the agenda.
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  So,
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  I just want to make it very clear,
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  we're not trying to find the reasons
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  for anything in therapy.
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  We're trying to provide
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  the environment and the relationship
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  where the child can
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  become a better version of himself.
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  Your son does not want to be sad.
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  Your son does not want to be aggressive.
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  Your son does not want to be disregulated.
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  Your son does not want to not get along with peers.
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  Your son does not want to get suspended.
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  All of those things are going to be very clearly
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  in his awareness.
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  That these are struggles
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  So the time,
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  the tools,
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  and the opportunity have to converge.
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  And then when that happens,
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  your child will naturally start working through a lot of that stuff,
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  and we don't need to get to the root of why they were there in the first place.
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  It's just about making sure that we can get to a point where we have steadiness,
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  we have regulation,
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  we have self-esteem.
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  And then,
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  you know,
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  the child naturally just continues to become a better version of himself
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  over time through therapy.
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  And so,
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  obviously,
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  you know,
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  this is a slow process.
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  You said it's been going on since he was 3,
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  so it's not going to fix itself overnight.
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  But
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  We know
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  that when someone unconditionally accepts a child,
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  which is the role of a child-centered play therapist,
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  when someone unconditionally accepts a child,
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  they want to behave in more self-enhancing ways.
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  It's a byproduct of that kind of relationship.
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  And then the environment,
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  the playroom,
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  creates this really unique scenario for a child where they have freedom and
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  autonomy
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  and the ability to do what they need to do.
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  So you combine those two things together,
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  your son's naturally going to work on all of those things.
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  We'll become less sad,
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  we become less aggressive,
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  we'll work on peer relationships.
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  So,
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  the goal is not figure it out.
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  The goal is provide the relationship and the environment
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  for the child to figure it out.
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  And so,
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  I think that you're on target with having him in therapy
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  and then obviously you implementing a lot of the components at home.
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  If you reflect his feelings when he's emotional,
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  if you encourage him
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  instead of praising him,
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  that will build self-esteem.
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  If
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  you provide him with choices,
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  that will give him a measure of power and control.
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  So you do your part at home,
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  Christina,
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  while therapist works with your child as well.
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  And
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  as your child starts to realize,
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  I can see myself in a different light.
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  I'm not stuck
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  in these patterns of behaviors.
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  I'm not stuck
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  with not knowing who I am or liking who I am.
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  Everything will naturally start to sort itself out.
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  That's the beauty of the therapeutic process.
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  So,
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  thanks,
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  Christina for the email.
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  I hope that was helpful and for everyone else.
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  If you have questions about your parenting or your
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  kids or what's going on in your family,
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  I'd love to hear from you,
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  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  I love y'all.
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  Hope you have a great week.
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  Keep loving on your kids.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.