Latest / Sober Talk SA / Sober Talk SA - John L

Transcript

Sober Talk SA - John L · Sober Talk SA

• 0:00
  Welcome to Sober Talk. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
• 0:04
  Soap to dear thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
• 0:08
  If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
• 0:11
  call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
• 0:17
  I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
• 0:24
  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
• 0:27
  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
• 0:29
  fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
• 0:33
  with each other that they may solve their common problems, and
• 0:37
  help with us to recover from alcoholism.
• 0:40
  The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop
• 0:43
  drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
• 0:46
  We are self supporting through our own contributions.
• 0:50
  He is not allied with any sect in immersion politics,
• 0:54
  organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
• 0:58
  controversy, neither endorses or oppose any causes.
• 1:03
  Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help.
• 1:06
  Other Alcoholics are chiefs of Brady.
• 1:09
  She started to was talking about her family and her past and her
• 1:13
  childhood and that's something I've never shared about.
• 1:17
  But like they say, you don't regret the past and always just
• 1:20
  shut the door. And I don't remember my
• 1:24
  childhood very much at all. I blocked it all out.
• 1:28
  I remember things like at 7 years old I was sent away to
• 1:31
  boarding school and I wouldn't see my parents for weeks on end.
• 1:38
  And there was a lot of physical abuse there with beatings and
• 1:42
  stuff like that. All boys schools, all my schools
• 1:44
  were boys schools. And then I went to another
• 1:48
  school because my grades weren't that good and there was physical
• 1:51
  abuse and sexual abuse. And then I went to another
• 1:56
  school and there was the same, exactly the same.
• 1:59
  And, and then the 4th school I went to, it was just two of us
• 2:03
  in the school. It was like cramming to get our
• 2:06
  exams passed. And we used to cycle to, to, to
• 2:10
  school. And I went down the hill and
• 2:12
  onto the road, not stopping, which is what we did every
• 2:14
  morning. And there was a van coming up
• 2:17
  and I suddenly brake, turned around and he came round and he
• 2:19
  went banging and died instantly. And those are things I remember
• 2:24
  about my childhood. So the day I finished school was
• 2:28
  the day I started life. And my life was living in.
• 2:32
  I moved to Spain with my sister to open a restaurant with her.
• 2:37
  And life was freedom, you know, it was this new free life I was
• 2:44
  living where I could do what I wanted to.
• 2:46
  And, and of course there was lots of drinking and, and I just
• 2:53
  just did everything. I mean, my drinking started way
• 2:55
  before that, but I just, I had the freedom to be able to do it,
• 2:58
  not secretly. And I guess that all my, all
• 3:02
  those years, it was just moving on to the next thing, the next
• 3:06
  situation, the next scenario, the next relationship.
• 3:10
  And nothing was ever a problem. I got into heavy drugs when I
• 3:16
  was about 1819. Lots late late 60s, early 70s.
• 3:20
  It was all the, all that type of thing.
• 3:22
  London hallucinate gems and, and, and lots of drinking, lots
• 3:28
  of drinking went on. I think I, I stopped drinking
• 3:31
  for two, two years when I was really getting into other
• 3:34
  things. But that was my life.
• 3:36
  And, and I did a lot of travelling and a lot of moving
• 3:41
  around and I, I, I just loved it.
• 3:44
  And one thing I always vowed I'd never do is do heroin because I
• 3:47
  could see the damage. It didn't.
• 3:48
  Within a year after making that commitment, I was sticking
• 3:52
  needles in my arm and but I would always drink and you know,
• 3:59
  it, it went that madness and that insanity and that harm that
• 4:04
  I was doing went on continually for 26 years.
• 4:08
  And I used geographicals and relationships to try and keep my
• 4:12
  head above water, just to try and, you know, not fall into the
• 4:15
  trappings. But it didn't always help.
• 4:19
  And what happened was about I got married.
• 4:26
  I got married in New York to an American.
• 4:29
  And I moved over there for a while.
• 4:32
  And once again, I'd moved to different towns, different
• 4:36
  states, and it would all start off with just drinking.
• 4:38
  And then it wouldn't take long where I found anything else and
• 4:41
  everything else that I needed. And alcohol was always the one
• 4:45
  that got instigated. Everything that I did, once I
• 4:49
  had that in my system, I had no control what was going to go in
• 4:52
  my system next. But I needed the alcohol to make
• 4:55
  the those rash decisions. And I got in California, I got
• 5:01
  done for drunk driving in 1983 and I had to go to AA once a
• 5:07
  week on a Wednesday night. And I was allowed to drive and I
• 5:12
  had a shot of heroin and I go and sit at the back and I would
• 5:17
  not hear a word that was being said.
• 5:19
  But all I did was get my piece of paper signed and the courts
• 5:22
  were happy with that. But I one thing I did realise
• 5:25
  there was something called Alcoholics Anonymous which I had
• 5:27
  no idea. And and then for the next 9
• 5:32
  years I realised that there was something that was could help me
• 5:37
  live a new life but I just couldn't manage it.
• 5:42
  I could not, I could not just you know, I'd do it for one day
• 5:46
  or two days and day three was always my downfall.
• 5:51
  Day three was the one where, you know, it was, it was the mine
• 5:55
  that got me. You know, I'd be get through
• 5:57
  that physical aspects for the first couple of days and then I
• 5:59
  could never get past day three. And that happened for for nine
• 6:03
  years. And I and I took my wife, my
• 6:06
  then wife to Sydney from from California.
• 6:10
  My idea was I was going to commit suicide over in Sydney.
• 6:13
  I don't know why I couldn't have done it in in California, but I
• 6:17
  had this idea I was going to do it in Sydney.
• 6:20
  And that never happened. But the madness and the insanity
• 6:26
  started taking over and I get got hold of what I needed and I
• 6:30
  drank the whole time and it was just madness.
• 6:34
  And by that time my wife had had enough and she changed all the
• 6:42
  locks on the door. This was like 1989 by this
• 6:46
  point. And she'd packed 2 glad 2
• 6:49
  garbage bags full of my clothes with three left shoes in it and
• 6:53
  sent me packing. And I moved into a bedsit and I
• 6:57
  would buy whatever poisons I could to put in my system on a
• 7:01
  daily basis. And that's how I lived.
• 7:02
  I lived off chocolate eclairs and whatever alcohol and drugs I
• 7:06
  could afford and 30th of April 1989, I remember it really well
• 7:13
  because it was my brother's birthday.
• 7:15
  He was in England but it was my brother's birthday and 10:00 in
• 7:19
  the morning I dropped to my knees and I prayed to God I did
• 7:22
  not believe in but nothing else was left.
• 7:27
  I had tried every human power possible to try and change the
• 7:34
  way I was living my life and nothing was working.
• 7:37
  And that night after praying out of total surrender, I ended up
• 7:42
  in rehab and managed to get stay there for eight months and I,
• 7:46
  and after eight months, I was physically healthy.
• 7:51
  I will be praying. So I was spiritually trying to
• 7:54
  get fit spiritually would go to meetings, but I, I was, I
• 7:59
  couldn't understand what they were all about.
• 8:01
  I'd have people tell me that I didn't belong in a a that I
• 8:04
  should be in another fellowship. This is in country NSW.
• 8:08
  But I had no, no option to to change that.
• 8:11
  And hurl did halfway and after eight months got back to the big
• 8:17
  smoke and within two weeks I was picking up a drink.
• 8:23
  That's the insanity for me that after 26 years of trying to
• 8:27
  change my life and, and get on the straight and narrow that I
• 8:32
  would get 8 months up and I'd get right back into it again.
• 8:36
  I couldn't believe it. You know, I thought I'd failed
• 8:38
  completely and, and of course I, I was in Sydney, I, I had to get
• 8:44
  out of there. I went up to, up to Queensland,
• 8:48
  I got beaten up in Airlie Beach. I got done for drunk driving in
• 8:51
  Cairns and to live in my paddle wagon and I I stayed up there
• 8:59
  and then I flew to England. Hated it there, flew back to
• 9:03
  Sydney, hated it there, flew back to England again.
• 9:06
  I could not live in my own skin. Basically moved in with a
• 9:09
  pregnant woman who eventually threw me out.
• 9:13
  Ended up living at my mother's house stealing whatever money I
• 9:16
  could to just put whatever poisons I could into my system
• 9:19
  on a daily basis. And suddenly what happened was
• 9:25
  there was no more money left in the purse.
• 9:29
  I couldn't take any more. I had nothing.
• 9:31
  And I said to my mother, I'm going to be really sick.
• 9:34
  And she said, yeah, I know. And see, the strange thing is I
• 9:38
  thought no one knew, but they did.
• 9:43
  And she caught me. She caught me in the shed
• 9:46
  injecting myself when I was trying to convince her it was
• 9:48
  vitamin C, But I think she was a bit too clever for that one.
• 9:55
  And I said, this is I'm going to be really sick.
• 9:57
  And, you know, there was a miracle that day because my
• 10:00
  nephew, who I'd treated really badly, suddenly turned up and my
• 10:04
  mother maybe phoned him up and he stayed for two weeks and he
• 10:07
  started driving me to meetings every day.
• 10:10
  And he'd, he wasn't part of a A, but he'd just go off and, and
• 10:13
  keep busy for the, for the meeting duration of the meeting.
• 10:16
  And I started that journey falling to my knees every
• 10:21
  morning and I would pray that God would help me get through
• 10:25
  that day. And then I'd get into bed and
• 10:28
  I'd read what we have just read out this evening and, and I'd
• 10:34
  get through my day. I'd go to a meeting.
• 10:36
  That first two weeks was absolute hell.
• 10:39
  That man that's just picking up the phone, putting it down,
• 10:42
  looking in the drug cabinet, drink cabinet and just, you
• 10:45
  know, forever physically doing things which I didn't want to
• 10:49
  do, but I just couldn't stop. And, but I managed to get
• 10:52
  through that time and I, I stayed sober basically did some
• 11:00
  meetings, did all of that. And then within three months I
• 11:02
  moved to Sydney. And I was, I was scared moving
• 11:07
  there, I, I must admit. But I got organised.
• 11:09
  I had about $200 in my pocket. I bought a bicycle for 50 bucks.
• 11:14
  I moved into a backpackers within a couple of days.
• 11:18
  I found a house I could move into, which I moved in with four
• 11:21
  other people. I got a job straight away
• 11:24
  packing videos in a in a factory down down South Park near the
• 11:28
  airport. And I'd cycle there every
• 11:30
  morning. And I would come back again and
• 11:36
  I'd go go and get some food. I'd go to the gym.
• 11:39
  I'd go and go and run around Centennial Park.
• 11:42
  I would, I would. And then I'd go and meet some
• 11:45
  people from the meetings and have dinner.
• 11:48
  Then we'd go to a meeting and then I'd go and shoot pool till
• 11:52
  10:00 at night. And then I'd just fall asleep
• 11:57
  and wake up and do the same thing the next day.
• 11:59
  And I was just that tired that I would just go out like a light.
• 12:02
  And Monday to Friday, that was my routine.
• 12:05
  I'd I'd work, gym, eat, meeting. And then Saturday I'd go to
• 12:10
  three meetings a week a day because in Sydney there were
• 12:14
  masses of meetings. And then on Sunday I do three
• 12:16
  meetings a day because I couldn't sit in my own head.
• 12:19
  I couldn't sit at home or in my room and, and just read a book,
• 12:26
  couldn't do it. I couldn't stay in my own head.
• 12:28
  I had to keep busy. I had to keep that adrenaline
• 12:30
  flowing, which stopped me from thinking.
• 12:33
  And, and I was able to do that for for quite a long time.
• 12:36
  And, and then I found this guy who I asked to be my sponsor.
• 12:42
  And you know, one thing I heard is if you want to sponsor, pray
• 12:46
  for, pray for a sponsor because only God knows your, your
• 12:50
  future. Only God knows where your
• 12:51
  direction, where you're going. And I, that was very, very
• 12:55
  important for me. And I started, you know, just
• 13:02
  focusing. And I'd say we're just going to
• 13:03
  focus for the first year. We're just going to focus on
• 13:06
  steps 1-2 and three help you to understand your disease,
• 13:11
  admitting you're an alcoholic, but just seeing how it works in
• 13:13
  your life, realising you can't do this on your own.
• 13:16
  And then you need power greater than yourself and starting to
• 13:21
  make a decision to, to understand having God in your
• 13:23
  life. And for a whole year, that's it.
• 13:26
  I just did heaps of meetings and, and just focused on on
• 13:30
  steps 1-2 and three. And when I was about a year
• 13:34
  sober, I had this great desire to write and I started writing
• 13:38
  my life story and I had, I don't know what it was, but it was
• 13:45
  just, I needed to get things down.
• 13:46
  And the more writing that I did, the more things I remembered and
• 13:50
  all this stuff would start coming up and, and I just put it
• 13:53
  down, pages and pages, you know, whole folders of stuff.
• 13:57
  And, and one thing that I found out out of doing all of that was
• 14:03
  that God had been looking after me all this time that my, my
• 14:08
  life, I mean, I, I was very close to dying very many times.
• 14:14
  You know, that story brought up. I, I, I, I, someone asked me to
• 14:18
  do a drug run from Bangkok to, to Geneva, 25 kilos in a
• 14:23
  suitcase. And I said OK, because I thought
• 14:26
  all I could think of was the 2000 lbs I was going to be
• 14:29
  given, which would be cocaine for the summer.
• 14:31
  That's all I could think about. I didn't think that it would be
• 14:34
  the death penalty. I just thought of the other
• 14:36
  stuff I did another one from India, France, I used to get
• 14:39
  beaten up a lot car endless car crashes.
• 14:44
  I was in the wrong areas in New York and I had police put guns
• 14:47
  to my, my head 2, two different situations, just crazy stuff,
• 14:52
  overdoses, you know, when you're doing heroin and, and stuff like
• 14:56
  that. Not many people survive past 30.
• 15:00
  It's a, it's a killer, killer thing that one.
• 15:03
  And there were many things like that.
• 15:06
  And I realised that there were, I had many situations where I
• 15:08
  should not be sitting where I was And, and I realised that I'd
• 15:14
  been looked after. So that helped me to start to
• 15:19
  understand God and to start to understand my higher power and
• 15:24
  the direction of and what my higher power wants for me too.
• 15:27
  And so that was a really good, that was really good.
• 15:32
  I really reflect on that a lot and think that was really
• 15:35
  necessary for me. You know, we all have our own
• 15:38
  journey. I think we are all very
• 15:41
  different. We're all Alcoholics, but I
• 15:44
  think our journeys are very different and, and we just deal
• 15:48
  with them the way that they need is we deal with whatever,
• 15:51
  whatever path you follow. And I think as long as you're
• 15:56
  not picking up that drink, then you're on the right path.
• 16:00
  And, and I've had situations where I've doubted my recovery.
• 16:04
  When I was about five years sober, I was living here in
• 16:07
  Adelaide and I doubted my recovery because people were
• 16:10
  telling me that, you know, not not necessarily directly that
• 16:14
  I'm not an alcoholic, but basically, you know, having to
• 16:19
  listen to people say I'm a real alcoholic and I'm doing it the
• 16:22
  way it's written in the big book and all this stuff.
• 16:26
  And it really made me think that I wasn't doing it right.
• 16:30
  And I remember having a, a situation where I, I had an
• 16:33
  argument with my then wife and I stormed out of the house and
• 16:37
  went up to Banathan Park. And I just screed, God help me
• 16:41
  because I couldn't deal with, you know, everything that was
• 16:43
  going on. I couldn't do.
• 16:45
  I was mad at five years. So, but I was absolutely mad.
• 16:48
  And, and I went down and I went into a phone box and I phoned up
• 16:52
  my sponsor and he said, what makes you think you're not doing
• 16:54
  the program? You know, you've, you know,
• 16:59
  you've, you've, you've caused whatever problems you did in
• 17:03
  your home. You've realised that you need to
• 17:06
  hand this over to a higher power.
• 17:07
  You've gone up and handed your wood in your life over in the
• 17:10
  park to God. You're coming down here on the
• 17:13
  phone and doing your 4th and 5th with me right now.
• 17:15
  As you cross the road, you're going to start realising your
• 17:18
  6th and 7th and understanding your, your faults and you're
• 17:22
  going to go and make your amends.
• 17:23
  And then you're going to, you know, follow that up with trying
• 17:26
  not to try not to repeat the same mistake.
• 17:30
  And it was a real affirmation as to, to realising that I'm not
• 17:36
  the hopeless shit that I thought I was, that I'm not doing it all
• 17:39
  wrong, that I'm just trying to, you know, I'm just trying to
• 17:42
  cover up. This is an amazing program.
• 17:46
  It really is. And it got to a point where at
• 17:48
  15 years sober, about 10 years sober, we had a child together.
• 17:53
  And I never understood the word. I still don't understand it.
• 17:59
  I forgot what it is with perfect love, or what does it call it,
• 18:03
  unconditional, unconditional love.
• 18:05
  I couldn't understand what people were talking about
• 18:07
  because I, I, I had never, I was emotionless, emotionless.
• 18:11
  I hadn't cried 10 years in recovery.
• 18:14
  I could cry. I was crying out there out of
• 18:17
  total despair, you know, but I couldn't cry in here and my
• 18:23
  whole, everything just fell apart.
• 18:25
  My, my, my marriage fell apart. I lost contact with my
• 18:28
  three-year old son. I had, I just lost everything.
• 18:32
  I was just void of just everything.
• 18:35
  And I upped my meetings, I, I joined groups.
• 18:38
  So, you know, I spent only my sponsor every day.
• 18:41
  And he said, just keep saying the Sorente prayer as some sort
• 18:44
  of, you know, just meditation. Just keep saying it, keeps
• 18:47
  saying it. And it's very powerful because
• 18:49
  The thing is, I've got some stinking thinking.
• 18:53
  And all of a sudden I stopped that stinking thinking to take
• 18:55
  the time out to read, to say the Serenity prayer.
• 19:00
  I've changed my thinking. And that thinking once I've said
• 19:04
  it could last for a good 4 minutes before I get back to the
• 19:08
  madness again. And if I keep saying it and keep
• 19:10
  saying it, all of a sudden that crazy head just dissipates and
• 19:14
  and I'm sort of on a right path. And so that's so that was really
• 19:21
  so that was so I was going just crazy and 15 years sober, mad
• 19:27
  crazy, doing lots of meetings, wondering why, why, why, you
• 19:31
  know, I thought I was doing everything right.
• 19:32
  And my son, I was picked him up one day and we went past his
• 19:38
  church and there were a whole lot of people dressed up in
• 19:41
  sacks and clothes in leather smocks and wooden shoes and
• 19:44
  wooden swords and having a mock, mock battle.
• 19:46
  And he sat on my lap and we watched the whole thing.
• 19:49
  And then we drove off and we went back a few weeks later and
• 19:52
  I said, you know, Matthew, we should go in there one day.
• 19:54
  And he said let's go in now, Dad.
• 19:58
  I think he was hoping to find a little village of Saxons.
• 20:03
  But we parked the car and he went in and the and the doors
• 20:05
  were huge and masses of kids on the floor doing colouring.
• 20:10
  And he just went in and sat with them and I sat at the back and.
• 20:13
  Every time I heard the word Jesus, the, the hair on the back
• 20:16
  of my head, neck would stand up and I'd feel so uncomfortable.
• 20:19
  But it's like AAI knew I needed to be there and I knew I needed
• 20:24
  to be here. But it was just getting
• 20:26
  comfortable. And I did what I did in AAI
• 20:29
  moved to the front. I got involved.
• 20:31
  I did lots of workshops and we did something called the purpose
• 20:36
  driven life, which is like 40 chapters and each chapter is
• 20:39
  finding out what your purpose is in life.
• 20:42
  And, you know, in AAI think we're, we're very lucky in that
• 20:46
  because we know our purpose. You know, it's to help the, the
• 20:48
  alcoholic that still suffers. So for me, it was, it was, it
• 20:54
  was a really good lesson of trying to centre myself into,
• 20:57
  into understanding and believing in something that I didn't
• 21:01
  understand and believe. But I got through it.
• 21:06
  I got through all of that and, and I started doing all the
• 21:08
  workshops and getting really involved.
• 21:11
  But what was happening is when meetings were sliding because I
• 21:13
  was getting into another area and, and this area was good, but
• 21:20
  once again, I felt that I needed a A and like was written out
• 21:24
  here. Faith without works is dead.
• 21:26
  And that really came to the forefront of my thinking and,
• 21:30
  and I realised I needed to get back to a A.
• 21:32
  And I started this meeting here 17 years ago in another hall
• 21:35
  with a friend of mine who's who, who died a couple of years later
• 21:39
  and his liver gave out in Bali in hospital.
• 21:43
  And it's been going ever since. And I'm very grateful for that.
• 21:47
  You know, we've got a great, great group members here that
• 21:50
  just keep it going and keep the laughter going and keep the, the
• 21:54
  enjoyment of what this program's about.
• 21:59
  I yeah, it was a sad day today. I spoke to my wife, my wife's
• 22:05
  Bolognese and she lives in, in, in Bali and we lost our son five
• 22:09
  years ago today. She was four months pregnant,
• 22:13
  five months pregnant. And she was in tears and hugging
• 22:16
  a teddy bear. And you know, there's, there's a
• 22:22
  life can be sad, then life can be joyful.
• 22:27
  There are just many, many great things about living life without
• 22:31
  the need to put something in my system to deal with whatever's
• 22:34
  going on. And I think Lartha always says
• 22:36
  something, which I always repeat.
• 22:38
  It's like if you hand your your life earth to a loving God, be
• 22:42
  prepared for future conflict. And, and that has always stood
• 22:47
  out for me because I've had an awful lot of conflict in a, a,
• 22:51
  in this, in this journey. And, and I never thought it was
• 22:54
  good for me because I always thought I was doing something
• 22:57
  wrong. But what I've realised is what
• 22:59
  it's doing for me is helping me to get closer to God.
• 23:03
  And that is, you know, from, you know, it's very like they say
• 23:07
  this program is, it's an amazing program.
• 23:09
  It works for those that believe in God.
• 23:12
  It works for those that don't believe in God.
• 23:14
  And it works for the poor and fortunates who believe they are
• 23:16
  God. And I've been all three in
• 23:20
  recoveries, you know, but today I I feel more grace than I have
• 23:27
  than and it keeps growing and and I love and I love it and I
• 23:31
  have friends that I can talk to about about this, you know, and
• 23:35
  that's an amazing thing too. Not about what did you do last
• 23:39
  night? You know, all the crap who I
• 23:42
  used to talk. It's nice being able to set
• 23:45
  centre oneself in life. So thank you.
• 23:48
  I'm not going to carry on. I this is a really good journey.
• 23:54
  It's difficult and there are a lot of hardships, but there's a
• 23:59
  lot of joy and and I think it evens out in the end.
• 24:04
  I think that and I've learnt something very good from this
• 24:07
  man here because I am always one that wants to stick my hands in
• 24:13
  the pie. I want to stir the pot.
• 24:17
  And his whole attitude is patience.
• 24:20
  Just when it what's the word you use?
• 24:23
  Oh, he uses, he uses a word. I come in what it is.
• 24:26
  But it's just like just don't just don't do anything.
• 24:30
  Just let it be. And and I'm learning that one
• 24:34
  today that I just allow the processes to happen and not get
• 24:37
  involved. And it's a yeah, it's great.
• 24:40
  So thanks very much for listening.
• 24:41
  Thank you, Johnny. Joe.
• 24:44
  A A has more than two million recovering Alcoholics throughout
• 24:48
  the world. In Australia there are about
• 24:51
  18,000 members. They're made in over 2000 local
• 24:56
  meetings spread around the country.
• 24:59
  Meetings range in size from a handful in some areas to
• 25:03
  hundreds or more in larger communities.
• 25:06
  And once again, if anyone you know is struggling with alcohol
• 25:11
  issues, please call Alcoholics Announcing 1300 Double 22222 or
• 25:17
  visit their website on aa.org dot AU.