Latest / Very Fine Friends / Sally and Jenna's High School Reunion

Transcript

Sally and Jenna's High School Reunion · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  Francis, I'd like to get your opinion on something.
• 0:17
  Well, my opinion is known to be fact, so let's hear it.
• 0:19
  Okay.
• 0:21
  Recently, when you were aware of this, I made a purchase from Poshmark.
• 0:26
  The person sent me something that was not the thing that I ordered.
• 0:30
  I sent a message to that effect
• 0:34
  They were like, great, here's a label
• 0:35
  Print it out, put it on the package, send it back
• 0:39
  We'll refund your money
• 0:41
  Okay, so I did that
• 0:44
  With their pre-printed label
• 0:47
  So I didn't have to do any input on this label at all
• 0:50
  I just had to print it out
• 0:51
  About a month goes by
• 0:55
  And I get an email from Poshmark saying
• 0:57
  we can't refund your item because you never returned it. I was like, well, that's some
• 1:03
  bullshit. And I don't know what to do about that. And then I'm like, whatever, it's a wash. I'm not
• 1:08
  thinking about it anymore. Then two days ago, the item gets returned to me with a sticker on it that
• 1:16
  says item was never picked up by receiver. Here's my question for you. Is this a scam?
• 1:28
  Did someone send me something that I didn't order on purpose? I try to get my money back,
• 1:36
  but I can't get my money back because they never quote unquote, never received the item.
• 1:41
  So they're just sending me something that they don't want anymore and they get to keep my money.
• 1:46
  that's my question that my thinking right now is that this was a scam.
• 1:53
  I just feel the need to apologize.
• 1:56
  No,
• 1:57
  no,
• 1:57
  no,
• 1:57
  no,
• 1:57
  no,
• 1:57
  no,
• 1:57
  no,
• 1:58
  this is not about you.
• 1:59
  This is about the scammer.
• 2:01
  It's fine.
• 2:02
  I'm not worried about this.
• 2:03
  My head,
• 2:03
  this was a wash.
• 2:04
  It wasn't like crazy expensive.
• 2:05
  It's not a big deal.
• 2:08
  Okay.
• 2:08
  My opinion,
• 2:09
  which is known to be fact,
• 2:11
  correct.
• 2:13
  Is that,
• 2:14
  so the item came back to you,
• 2:16
  right?
• 2:16
  Yeah.
• 2:16
  So now I have the shitty thing that I actually actively hate that I have to get rid of.
• 2:20
  And it says it never got picked up as in like it never got picked up by the like, let's
• 2:25
  just say UPS.
• 2:26
  No, no, no.
• 2:26
  Like it's like return to sender, like recipient never claimed item.
• 2:32
  Oh, like, I don't know if they had a box somewhere that they were.
• 2:35
  It could be them.
• 2:36
  They could be a sheet, a shapey, as I call it, a shitty player.
• 2:40
  but the good news is
• 2:44
  you could just take a picture of that and be like
• 2:46
  Poshmark, look
• 2:46
  yeah, I'm just trying to decide
• 2:50
  is it worth your time?
• 2:52
  is it worth my time?
• 2:54
  but I, right now
• 2:56
  because I sent it back like immediately
• 2:58
  like what happened in like five days
• 3:00
  that this person suddenly is dead or moved
• 3:02
  they could be dead, they could have moved
• 3:04
  I hope they're dead
• 3:05
  I hope they moved and died
• 3:06
  not in that order, dead first then moved
• 3:10
  Yeah, it forcibly moved.
• 3:12
  Yeah.
• 3:13
  Anyway, this was not supposed to be anything
• 3:15
  that make you feel guilty.
• 3:17
  Okay.
• 3:18
  Also, if you want a discount
• 3:21
  on your first Poshmark order,
• 3:25
  was it poshmark.com slash AZFrancis?
• 3:28
  That's my code, AZFrancis, yeah.
• 3:30
  Yeah, so.
• 3:31
  You get 10 bucks.
• 3:32
  Yeah, you get 10 bucks off.
• 3:34
  So, there you go.
• 3:36
  I just want to reiterate, I've never had a problem.
• 3:38
  Yeah.
• 3:40
  No, Francis gets stuff from there all the time.
• 3:44
  And it looks great.
• 3:45
  Thank you.
• 3:45
  I appreciate that.
• 3:46
  Yeah.
• 3:46
  I did get one like baby shirt.
• 3:50
  What?
• 3:54
  I've gotten so many things that were a success.
• 3:56
  And then I was really excited about this one brand.
• 3:59
  And so I bought a couple of shirts from different sellers.
• 4:02
  And one of them really pisses me off, actually, because it's like I fit perfectly in the size.
• 4:07
  So I ordered that size in that brand.
• 4:09
  but brands have different fits sometimes
• 4:11
  or who knows it could be counterfeit
• 4:12
  the one item that's like not real
• 4:15
  but I get it and it doesn't
• 4:17
  even come close to buttoning
• 4:19
  and I'm like
• 4:20
  is today the day
• 4:22
  and then I'm like here I like rip it off
• 4:25
  and I throw it at my dad and I see if this fits you
• 4:27
  and he put it on and he's
• 4:29
  in the
• 4:30
  sleeves fit him
• 4:32
  he's short he's got short sleeves so I'm like
• 4:35
  huh
• 4:36
  baby shirt
• 4:37
  this was meant for a child yeah i don't feel that anymore yeah it probably was a child's shirt yeah
• 4:43
  it probably was that makes sense so i left a review let me still give him five stars because
• 4:47
  i don't care but i was like well i'm afraid you're being a dumb bitch put pictures this is what people
• 4:53
  do they have a yardstick and they take multiple pictures of the garment showing the yardstick so
• 4:58
  you can see shoulder to shoulder pit to pit length of shirt we need that or we get a comically short
• 5:04
  shirt. Yeah.
• 5:08
  Pay attention, Poshmark sellers.
• 5:11
  Are you serious about this or what?
• 5:13
  Have you ever sold anything
• 5:14
  at Poshmark? No, and they keep trying.
• 5:16
  They're like, not a fit? Want to repodge?
• 5:18
  Did the sunglasses not work out? Want to repodge?
• 5:20
  I'm like, I will throw something the
• 5:22
  fuck away before I deal
• 5:24
  with that. That shipping and...
• 5:26
  I mean, God bless everyone who does it for me.
• 5:28
  Yes. Thank God the world
• 5:30
  is not filled with people like us.
• 5:31
  There would be nothing for sale on the resale market.
• 5:34
  Yeah.
• 5:34
  Not interested.
• 5:36
  Why?
• 5:36
  So you can haggle me down 10 bucks like I do.
• 5:39
  Yeah.
• 5:41
  Welcome to very fine friends where selfish friends throw away clothes instead of helping
• 5:47
  other people find them.
• 5:48
  I'm definitely getting it.
• 5:49
  I mean, I could maybe see if there's someone I know that wants that skirt, but it's an ugly
• 5:54
  skirt.
• 5:55
  I don't want it.
• 5:56
  Maybe Amy can make a clutch out of it.
• 5:58
  Yeah.
• 5:59
  Yeah.
• 5:59
  Maybe an ugly clutch because it's an ugly print.
• 6:04
  and i still remember you opening it and the look on your face of just like
• 6:13
  yeah and then you having a moment where you were like wait a minute
• 6:19
  it's like what was i thinking this is so ugly and then i was like no no wait no this isn't right
• 6:24
  this isn't what i ordered and that's where my guilt started quick interruption every week on
• 6:32
  the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
• 6:41
  Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our
• 6:46
  conversation without the other person noticing. If the other person can correctly guess the secret
• 6:51
  word, they get a point. And right before we die, we add up all the points. And then we get a prize,
• 7:01
  whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words. Here's Joe with today's secret words.
• 7:08
  Jenna's secret word is booby. Jenna's decoy word is toenail. Francis's secret word is tushy.
• 7:18
  Francis's decoy word is colonnade. Back to the pod. I think that you have invented really good
• 7:25
  rolls for Poshmark sellers. I think you should keep that good inventing going. It's time for
• 7:33
  the invention of the week. Inventions.
• 7:41
  Hey you. Oh, hi. How's it going? Oh boy. I have an invention. Great. You know how people
• 7:52
  stub their toes. I do know that. You know how that shit will give you rage? I do know that.
• 8:02
  And also it makes you sad because why, why does the human have to know such pain? Why? Oh, why
• 8:09
  has the human has to know such pain? I don't know why that sounded like it needed an Italian accent,
• 8:15
  but it did. Oh no, that's okay. This is an Italian invention. Oh, perfect. That's technically all of
• 8:20
  my inventions are um guess what people aren't gonna be stepping their toes and no mo nice and
• 8:29
  now mo tap that we might i gonna write it down already no mo what though no and now mo toe um yeah i solved this problem forever awesome Here how I did it So I like to be barefoot at home and nowhere else
• 8:50
  But that's where it happens, right?
• 8:53
  Yep.
• 8:54
  Just like murders.
• 8:55
  Most of them happen in the home.
• 8:57
  Yeah.
• 8:58
  Yeah.
• 8:58
  Yeah.
• 9:00
  And toe stubbings.
• 9:01
  Stubbings and stabbings.
• 9:04
  The big two.
• 9:05
  Yeah, the crimes of the home.
• 9:11
  Well, here it comes.
• 9:15
  The invention.
• 9:16
  Great.
• 9:17
  I have invented a proprietary anti-stubbing device where you can, you don't wear it with shoes, obviously.
• 9:27
  Why would you need to?
• 9:28
  you put a
• 9:32
  it fastens around the ankle
• 9:35
  and it goes down almost like a shoe skeleton
• 9:41
  that goes around the front of the foot
• 9:45
  and it extends
• 9:47
  an inch in front of the foot
• 9:50
  and on the sides
• 9:51
  and what it is
• 9:53
  is a high tensile strength
• 9:55
  metal that bends
• 9:58
  but not too much but it bends enough for you to know shit i i gotta stop moving forward
• 10:03
  oh i almost stubbed my toe it's almost like
• 10:07
  go on it's almost like uh it's it's like it's an advanced warning system you know
• 10:18
  so you it's it's like a foot tambourine almost
• 10:24
  in that when you hit the wall,
• 10:28
  the metal bends a little bit.
• 10:29
  You feel the bend because it's all connected.
• 10:32
  And you don't stub.
• 10:39
  So you're basically just wearing like
• 10:41
  kind of like a shoe still?
• 10:50
  He sounded like, let's cut the shit.
• 10:53
  You're basically wearing a shoe still.
• 10:56
  No, no, no, no, no.
• 10:58
  The bottom of the foot is unencumbered.
• 11:00
  I mentioned it's mounted at the ankle.
• 11:05
  There's just looked at me like, like it was like, like very politely trying to tell me
• 11:11
  that like, I, I didn't hear him.
• 11:13
  No, no, no.
• 11:13
  I mentioned it's mounted at the ankle.
• 11:16
  You know, we ordered the breadsticks.
• 11:17
  I specifically remember.
• 11:19
  Yeah.
• 11:20
  Yeah.
• 11:20
  So you still have the nice feeling of a bare foot.
• 11:23
  there's nothing underneath
• 11:24
  you can walk around unencumbered
• 11:26
  but part of the unencumbered is not having
• 11:29
  anything attached to you
• 11:31
  it's so light
• 11:35
  you won't even know it's there
• 11:36
  it's like a little bracelet on your ankle
• 11:39
  it's like an anklet
• 11:40
  why does it need to go around your whole foot
• 11:46
  why not
• 11:46
  just
• 11:49
  something right in front of your toes
• 11:51
  went on a little something you put on one of your toes that's just right in front of your toes
• 11:58
  you mean like a toe ring that has the same thing a parasol in front of it like yeah kind of
• 12:10
  oh you mean like because going around your whole foot like because like let's say for example what
• 12:17
  i'm doing right now i have my feet crossed at the ankles if i had these things on they'd be all
• 12:24
  like tangled up i couldn't do that you encumbered i would say you would adapt
• 12:30
  but so human beings can't adapt and not stub their toes when are they gonna when it's not
• 12:38
  happened yet but they can adapt to not cross their ankles or not i mean if they cling they clang
• 12:45
  i clang you clang i know but i'm picked it's going all the way around the foot right it goes
• 12:51
  all the way around the foot yeah on the front yeah um okay here is i'm holding up my hand
• 12:58
  my wrist is my ankle yeah so picture the band going around the ankle how it's mounted yeah
• 13:03
  and then it goes um out flares out and goes in front of the foot so it's like a nice yeah but
• 13:12
  it's going around the sides too.
• 13:14
  Yeah, it's stylish.
• 13:16
  Come in different colors,
• 13:19
  patterns, looking at you,
• 13:20
  Rocco's modern life.
• 13:23
  And you know
• 13:24
  this also is great for people in low light
• 13:26
  environments, visually impaired,
• 13:28
  adjusting.
• 13:33
  What is
• 13:34
  the point of the
• 13:35
  flexible
• 13:38
  metal?
• 13:38
  so it doesn't hurt your ankle when you hit something it bends so you know that you hit
• 13:43
  something okay you don't have to keep going that makes sense oh i got one
• 13:48
  okay it was like what does it matter if it's flexible or not if it stopped it'll stop yeah
• 13:55
  yeah then wouldn't it have to go out pretty far so like wouldn't you just
• 14:00
  you'd have to adapt because suddenly you'd have a longer foot than you're used to barely
• 14:05
  barely how much barely not even a half of a shoe size not even
• 14:14
  half of a shoe sizes
• 14:17
  i said not even less than that okay how much is it half of a shoe
• 14:28
  Roger.
• 14:31
  It's an inch.
• 14:33
  It goes out an inch.
• 14:34
  An inch?
• 14:35
  Yeah.
• 14:35
  An inch?
• 14:37
  I've been told that's huge.
• 14:38
  Well, yeah.
• 14:40
  It's famously humongous.
• 14:43
  Matter of fact, to have more than that is scary.
• 14:49
  Okay.
• 14:49
  I'm feeling.
• 14:50
  I could.
• 14:51
  It's gross.
• 14:55
  For.
• 14:58
  Who's in low light environments?
• 15:01
  Who are these people that are walking around barefoot in low light environments?
• 15:05
  Monks.
• 15:07
  I think monks have shoes.
• 15:10
  No.
• 15:10
  Monks have shoes.
• 15:11
  Well, not the Tibetan ones.
• 15:13
  Do you know how many monks get kicked out because they stub their toe and they swear?
• 15:19
  How many?
• 15:19
  This would stop that.
• 15:21
  Seven every year.
• 15:22
  Yeah, it was in monks weekly.
• 15:28
  Well, they have a weekly.
• 15:29
  Good for them.
• 15:30
  I'm glad their news moves that fast.
• 15:35
  Shit happens in the monk world, man.
• 15:37
  Yeah.
• 15:39
  Okay, who else besides monks?
• 15:43
  Besides the people that have taken a vow of poverty.
• 15:47
  People will buy these for the monks.
• 15:49
  People will gift these to the monks.
• 15:53
  So this is a monk gift?
• 15:58
  Okay, you want more?
• 16:00
  I'll give you more.
• 16:01
  You're looking something for the monk in your life.
• 16:05
  Here's additional.
• 16:07
  In Alaska, for half the year, it's dark.
• 16:11
  Yeah, but...
• 16:12
  Everyone walks around outside barefoot in Alaska.
• 16:16
  Yeah.
• 16:18
  They're not walking around barefoot outside.
• 16:25
  On a submarine?
• 16:28
  But again, the barefoot thing.
• 16:31
  They don't do it because they can't do it because of the stubbing.
• 16:34
  You think that everyone on a submarine would be,
• 16:38
  you don't think those like metal grates that make up the whole flooring of a submarine would be painful on a barefoot?
• 16:44
  That's just submarine propaganda.
• 16:45
  We don't know if that's true.
• 16:46
  It could be carpeted down there for all we know.
• 16:48
  I would love that actually if they just had like shag carpeting.
• 16:52
  They should.
• 16:53
  I mean, if water gets in there, they're done anyway.
• 16:55
  But they still have graded holes.
• 16:58
  It's like Shaq Carpenter, but with the...
• 17:00
  Yeah.
• 17:03
  People who have to do a very specific fear factor type obstacle course.
• 17:08
  Okay, so monks and people on fear factor.
• 17:12
  Okay, we're skipping right over the Alaskans.
• 17:16
  We determined that that was Okay hear me out People with a foot injury where they can wear a shoe because it was uncomfortable Right Maybe a recent victim of a stubbing
• 17:29
  You know, who needs space?
• 17:31
  Are you a recent stubbing victim?
• 17:36
  Get no moe toe.
• 17:38
  No moe toe.
• 17:41
  Oh, I was thinking no stub hub.
• 17:42
  uh i still think that it could be a little bit smaller because the the sides again if you if you
• 17:50
  have to wear these like you're wearing these around the house and they're clanging together
• 17:54
  they're not gonna clang why would they clang
• 17:57
  although we could do a really a cute feature where if you rub them together it makes cricket noises
• 18:05
  uh or any i guess could be any noise we want really
• 18:12
  yeah oh the first pair is already out nice you can call them um grass hop
• 18:20
  first grass stoppers
• 18:24
  grass i don't know
• 18:30
  now joe's just playing with all the sound effects um so i mean we agree there's humongous commercial
• 18:37
  application potential for limitless success well we've identified major groups of the population
• 18:44
  that are going to monks and fear factor contestants yoga instructors when they're closing up their
• 18:51
  studio at the end of the night people at home everyone people at home you could be in any group
• 18:56
  people at home.
• 18:58
  Well, not the homeless, but
• 19:00
  why not have it?
• 19:05
  Or we convince the homeless to become monks.
• 19:07
  Like you've already basically taken a vow of poverty,
• 19:11
  albeit involuntarily.
• 19:13
  So become a monk and then buy this stuff.
• 19:17
  If it's cool with you,
• 19:18
  I'd like to focus on my huge market of people
• 19:21
  who are at home.
• 19:24
  I'd wear them around the house.
• 19:26
  i they just seems it seems like a big cumbersome thing for a problem that is not that big you know
• 19:34
  when you're pregnant your feet could grow too yeah i okay i how often do you stub your toe
• 19:43
  the times that it's happened have made me into someone i i don't like
• 19:51
  you like Hulk out well here's the thing yes here's the thing I can recall distinctly at least one time
• 20:02
  and god bless people who just want to help god bless them but I just stubbed my toe I'm in a
• 20:10
  mortal amount of pain I'm trying not to say anything horrible and they're like what happened
• 20:16
  I'm like don't make me open my mouth right now right and and shot me with a bazooka you were
• 20:22
  just standing there what do you think happened I just stubbed my toe I'm trying to come to terms
• 20:26
  with it what happened you okay shut up what happened you okay or even worse oh
• 20:42
  like i know yeah would you rather they not acknowledge your pain at all because if someone
• 20:50
  just like they said watch that happen and they just like looked at you and then didn't say and
• 20:53
  didn't make any kind of acknowledgement that something bad just be like yeah like like have
• 20:58
  it be like like a fart in church like we all heard it and we all cringed a little at it but we didn't
• 21:03
  say anything or acknowledge express your sympathy visually don't ask me any dumb questions and also
• 21:08
  don't be mad at me if I say something mean.
• 21:09
  I'm in pain. I didn't have a
• 21:11
  no-mo toe.
• 21:15
  I think
• 21:16
  adapting, because
• 21:17
  I do, I feel like this would be, I would be
• 21:20
  so annoyed by, well, aside from the fact that I
• 21:21
  don't ever really go barefoot ever.
• 21:24
  Except for like
• 21:25
  going from my bed to my bathroom
• 21:27
  and then back again. But you wear flip-flops.
• 21:30
  It's still a stubble-ble
• 21:31
  situation.
• 21:32
  Not
• 21:32
  not even
• 21:36
  really anymore.
• 21:38
  Pretty much just wear my sneakers all the time.
• 21:39
  Ever since I got these flip-flops with a really long front
• 21:43
  that extends out three inches.
• 21:45
  Three.
• 21:47
  Gross.
• 21:48
  That's huge.
• 21:50
  Do we even have a device capable of measuring such length?
• 22:00
  But flip-flops provide a modicum of a bit of that.
• 22:08
  support but i don't know i don't know i just think i think it would be so annoying to have
• 22:15
  that thing around your ankle you forget it's there it's so lightweight so lightweight and
• 22:19
  and also that they would they would hit each other that was me hitting my feet together
• 22:24
  they're not gonna hit it it's not that big you're picturing clown shoes that isn't what it is it's
• 22:31
  not what this is. I'm picturing
• 22:33
  I'm going to draw it out.
• 22:38
  It should go really well because I'm a
• 22:39
  really good artist.
• 22:43
  Okay, here's a foot.
• 22:47
  I'm giving them
• 22:48
  a bunch of toes like hair because
• 22:49
  I'm not doing it.
• 22:53
  Jenna has just drawn a foot with
• 22:55
  16 toes.
• 22:57
  Jenna just drew a sun that isn't
• 22:59
  done yet. Whatever, I just wanted
• 23:01
  to indicate where toes would be.
• 23:04
  Goes to toes.
• 23:05
  Okay.
• 23:07
  Then you have your ankle strap.
• 23:12
  And then you have a buffer
• 23:14
  that goes around it like this.
• 23:17
  Is that what I'm...
• 23:19
  Basically?
• 23:22
  Yeah.
• 23:22
  You didn't include a key for scale.
• 23:28
  like we don't know what we don't know what one inches on that piece of paper i can't fault you
• 23:34
  for the general design because it's very close to what's going on in my head okay and listeners
• 23:39
  we'll post this yeah this is our drawing for the week thanks for that jenna you're gonna see it
• 23:44
  with the bastardized lots of toes okay uh my god okay so so what so what's wrong what am i missing
• 23:54
  about this so that i'm picturing like you know how like uh like bumper cars have that like metal
• 24:00
  thing that go around them that's what i'm picturing yeah for a foot for a foot yep nailed it yeah so
• 24:08
  it's going around your foot that you've got something on your around your foot lightweight
• 24:12
  it's pliable it's gonna save you a lot of pain and it's like a hat for your foot it's not like
• 24:17
  it's not like like shoes are like clothes for your feet but this is gonna be like a hat for
• 24:21
  your feet yeah okay here's another thing does it have to be ankle mounted by the time it gets down
• 24:29
  to the end of your foot it's going to be flopping unless it's mounted to something closer to your
• 24:33
  toes no i just don't think that's true it's tensile it's lightweight
• 24:37
  okay what does that mean it's pliable it's okay
• 24:43
  i'm like your goddamn opinion about this invention no i mean she i think she's trying
• 24:50
  to like it. She's trying to find a way. I'm, I am trying to find a way, but I just feel like
• 24:55
  it would be, you're adding something extra to your feet that will be way more annoying than the
• 25:00
  random one time a year. You stub your toe too many, too many. It's too many. What if you broke
• 25:06
  a toe off? When has that happened? What if, and you could have had this for 1499.
• 25:14
  Wow. We've already got a price point.
• 25:16
  yeah okay um well good i guess go to very fine friends.com pick yours up for 14.99
• 25:25
  plus tax which don't blame us for that we can't do anything about that that's not our fault we
• 25:30
  don't even know where it's going yeah yeah exactly no you know who else doesn't know where it's going
• 25:36
  our government yeah yeah i don't know either oh they're catching strays out here commentary
• 25:42
  Oh God, we're so political. Uh, okay. All right. All right. I'm going to take your word
• 25:49
  for it that there's a huge market. We have a built in market. Everyone who likes to be
• 25:53
  barefoot who who doesn want to be stubbed I don understand being barefoot I don I or at least on on like hard ground I just think Oh my God your feet are getting dirty And you clean them You clean them before you go to bed
• 26:08
  Yeah.
• 26:08
  I don't think everyone does that.
• 26:10
  I think people go to bed with dirty feet.
• 26:12
  Well,
• 26:12
  our product comes with a...
• 26:13
  With a cleaner?
• 26:15
  It comes with a little card
• 26:18
  that reminds people
• 26:20
  that they need to do that.
• 26:22
  And then we don't want to be associated with them
• 26:24
  if they get into bed with a dirty foot.
• 26:26
  Okay.
• 26:27
  good now will this also will people wear these in bed they're so lightweight you don't even
• 26:35
  notice them then maybe it protects protects your partner in bed from like if you have really gross
• 26:43
  toenails and you have a jagged toenail it's like i hate that phrase what what you just said
• 26:50
  jagged toenail god sorry um i think that could protect it could protect your partner from that
• 27:06
  right if you're gonna if you're if you're saying it's so lightweight you're not gonna notice it
• 27:09
  it could you could all right absolutely there's another application people with gross toenails
• 27:14
  which you should be wearing shoes
• 27:18
  people with gross toenails
• 27:19
  or save up another cost of our device
• 27:21
  and just go get it taken care of
• 27:24
  yeah
• 27:24
  the podiastrist is running a special
• 27:27
  $14.99 right now actually
• 27:29
  okay well
• 27:31
  do we need another name?
• 27:33
  No Motto?
• 27:34
  No I like Joe's contribution
• 27:35
  what was Joe's contribution?
• 27:37
  sorry I didn't write it down
• 27:38
  I'm sorry Joe
• 27:41
  now you don't get to know
• 27:43
  was it No Stub Hub?
• 27:44
  Yeah.
• 27:45
  No StubHub?
• 27:49
  It sounds like a protest against StubHub.
• 27:54
  How about the Woezy Toezy?
• 28:00
  Woezy Toezy.
• 28:02
  What about Safe Piggy?
• 28:07
  Sure.
• 28:07
  Whole Pig.
• 28:08
  here's looking at you monks club oink
• 28:20
  all right well that was good
• 28:33
  apparently there's a huge market for this of people that aren't me um so go on out go to
• 28:43
  veryfinefriends.com and pick one up 14.99 plus tax and uh then once you get them post pictures
• 28:53
  of yourself wearing it around the house yeah and comment about whether or not you find it to be
• 29:00
  obtrusive um and tag us at very fine friends on all social media uh i'd like to get i'd like to
• 29:06
  see the the commentary that's going to happen online about this i feel like i feel like there's
• 29:13
  people be people divided i can't do shit about that i know you can't i'm just letting you know
• 29:18
  i can do is you put the ideas out to it i know i'm not i'm not faulting you for the fact that
• 29:23
  this will be a divisive issue i'm just saying it will be and i know you are doing your best
• 29:28
  to make all of humanity a better place.
• 29:31
  Not only will it be a divisive issue,
• 29:33
  it will be a device of issue.
• 29:37
  I appreciated that little wordplay for you.
• 29:41
  It was good.
• 29:41
  Thank you.
• 29:42
  It was good.
• 29:42
  Everyone, that's Joe.
• 29:44
  He does wordplay.
• 29:48
  Okay.
• 29:49
  Well, that wraps up the invention of the week.
• 29:54
  It's time for our next segment.
• 29:57
  you're not my wife
• 29:59
  I now pronounce you
• 30:04
  not my wife
• 30:07
  Francis would you like to explain this segment
• 30:12
  sure you're not my wife is a segment
• 30:16
  where a man
• 30:20
  or a woman who knows is
• 30:23
  this belief something is off with their spouse.
• 30:28
  It doesn't seem like it's really them and they're trying to figure it out and
• 30:35
  come to terms with it.
• 30:37
  So you can either be alien wife or.
• 30:45
  I'll be alien wife.
• 30:47
  Okay.
• 30:53
  Morning.
• 30:57
  Why do you say it like that?
• 30:59
  What are you talking about?
• 31:00
  I say it like this every morning.
• 31:02
  There it is again.
• 31:04
  Morning.
• 31:05
  Honey, for 20 years I've woken up and I've heard morning.
• 31:12
  No.
• 31:13
  Okay.
• 31:14
  All right.
• 31:14
  It's just a weird one.
• 31:15
  Yeah.
• 31:15
  Sorry.
• 31:16
  I'm always sing-songy.
• 31:17
  Good morning.
• 31:19
  This is weird.
• 31:20
  All right.
• 31:21
  Well.
• 31:21
  oh i had such a weird dream last night oh my goodness do you want to talk about it yeah
• 31:34
  it was so weird it was i i was back in my high school you were there but you like weren't really
• 31:43
  you. Anyway, I was walking through the halls and it was, I wasn't naked. I was fully dressed,
• 31:52
  but I only had one boobie right in the middle of my chest. One single boobie.
• 32:00
  I'm sorry. And no, hold on. I couldn't find my locker. Wait, wait, wait. I didn't know which
• 32:06
  locker was mine. Pause. What? I have your dream journal of 20 years right here. Every night for
• 32:11
  the last 20 years you've dreamed of having three boobies you're telling me tonight last night you
• 32:16
  dreamed of one boobie sorry it just i don't know what i i don't know what to tell you i mean
• 32:22
  one boobie that's all i had okay go on anyway i couldn't find my locker anywhere
• 32:32
  Mr. Christensen, my English teacher, he showed up and, but he was wearing a unicorn wig
• 32:42
  and we started making out and it was weird. It was really weird.
• 32:50
  Anyway, did you have any dreams last night?
• 32:55
  Yeah, I dreamed of our wedding. You remember that? Remember our wedding?
• 33:00
  Of course.
• 33:02
  What do you remember about it?
• 33:04
  It was a theme wedding.
• 33:06
  Yes, Bernice, it was themed.
• 33:08
  What was the theme?
• 33:10
  I'll tell you, Bernie.
• 33:14
  The theme was enchantment under the palm trees.
• 33:23
  Oh, oh, of course.
• 33:25
  I just forgot that our wedding picture is right behind me on the wall.
• 33:28
  Of course you're going to know that.
• 33:29
  Well, but also I remember it.
• 33:32
  I remember being enchanted.
• 33:35
  And I remember there was lots of cockroaches because we were under palm trees.
• 33:41
  Okay.
• 33:43
  Sorry, I don't mean to be weird.
• 33:44
  Let me just shake this off.
• 33:46
  Okay.
• 33:46
  Good.
• 33:47
  Oh, there's my Bernie.
• 33:50
  You still remember we have that dinner tonight with the Lorganstorns.
• 33:54
  Right.
• 33:55
  Of course, the Lorganstorns.
• 33:57
  Remember where we're meeting?
• 33:59
  Do you?
• 34:02
  Yes.
• 34:03
  Where is it then?
• 34:06
  Carrabba's.
• 34:07
  Which Carrabba's?
• 34:10
  At the downtown mall or at the Colonnade?
• 34:14
  At the Colonnade.
• 34:17
  Silly.
• 34:18
  Okay.
• 34:19
  We haven't been to the downtown mall one in years.
• 34:25
  All right.
• 34:26
  All right.
• 34:26
  So just be on time.
• 34:29
  Okay.
• 34:31
  I'm always on time.
• 34:32
  You know that about me.
• 34:33
  Yeah, you're always on time.
• 34:34
  So it should be no problem tonight for you to be on time.
• 34:36
  No.
• 34:37
  If you're always on time.
• 34:39
  You got to be honest, Bernice, you're looking kind of slow.
• 34:42
  Hey.
• 34:43
  No, I mean pacing.
• 34:47
  Well, just because I'm having a leisurely morning with my guy.
• 34:50
  Yeah.
• 34:51
  Okay.
• 34:51
  Hey, let me make you breakfast.
• 34:53
  Oh, yeah.
• 34:54
  Yeah, let's make me breakfast.
• 34:56
  I love that.
• 34:58
  Okay.
• 34:59
  What do you want, hon?
• 35:02
  What do you mean?
• 35:02
  I always have the same thing for breakfast.
• 35:06
  Are you sure?
• 35:09
  Bernice?
• 35:11
  Yes.
• 35:11
  What an odd, stupid question.
• 35:14
  Um, no, I think it's just polite to ask someone what they want before you make them something.
• 35:18
  You never ask before.
• 35:19
  Normally you wake me up by shoveling my favorite meal in my mouth.
• 35:24
  Your favorite, your favorite meal.
• 35:26
  So you want me to make what I make every morning.
• 35:30
  Yeah.
• 35:30
  Which is raspberry pancakes used as a taco shell for scrambled eggs.
• 35:49
  That wasn't so hard.
• 35:51
  Write that down for later.
• 35:54
  Okay.
• 35:56
  See, I know what your favorite breakfast is.
• 35:59
  okay i'm sorry i doubted you i really don't know what's going on with me it's just
• 36:02
  you look you seem a little different your energy's different your booby dream was weird
• 36:08
  um i i don't know i'm sorry i apologize it's okay it's okay hey sometimes i woke up on the
• 36:20
  right side of the bed today so you must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed yeah you're right
• 36:24
  Can you hand me my favorite tie?
• 36:28
  Hmm.
• 36:29
  Yep.
• 36:31
  Here you go.
• 36:33
  Mm, mm, mm.
• 36:35
  This isn't it.
• 36:37
  Sure it is.
• 36:38
  It's.
• 36:39
  This?
• 36:39
  Yeah.
• 36:40
  It's got Garfield on the front saying, I hate Mondays.
• 36:43
  And then if you lift up the tie on the backside, it's got a whole tray of lasagna.
• 36:47
  This is my.
• 36:51
  This is my fourth favorite tie.
• 36:53
  Are you sure?
• 36:54
  Look how funny.
• 36:55
  Well, it is funny.
• 36:56
  That's why I keep it.
• 36:57
  That's why it's my fourth favorite, but it's not my favorite favorite.
• 37:00
  Well, it's my favorite of yours.
• 37:02
  I guess I just assumed we had the same favorite.
• 37:04
  But that's not what I asked.
• 37:06
  Well, I thought we had the same favorite.
• 37:08
  I didn't say go get your favorite of my ties.
• 37:10
  But I thought my favorite was your favorite too.
• 37:14
  Okay.
• 37:15
  I don't want to make a big deal out of this.
• 37:17
  It's just a tie.
• 37:18
  Okay.
• 37:18
  So which one is your favorite?
• 37:19
  it's the one where the lasagna is on the front and garfield's on the back
• 37:25
  the one where he's mailing normal to abu dhabi yes because it simultaneously
• 37:35
  features lasagna and supports the postal service which i am a huge i know you love them as my
• 37:43
  godfather worked there yeah for five months he was the postmaster general for five months
• 37:48
  Three, five months.
• 37:49
  Then he accidentally mailed himself to Fallujah
• 37:53
  and couldn't find his way home.
• 37:58
  Poor guy.
• 37:59
  I hate to remember that.
• 38:00
  I'm so sorry.
• 38:01
  I'm so sorry to remind you of that at this time.
• 38:03
  No, it's okay.
• 38:04
  It would help me though if you told me your favorite memory of him.
• 38:06
  Oh, sure.
• 38:09
  Oh, I know what it is.
• 38:14
  Remember when he was at our wedding?
• 38:16
  enchantment under the palm trees yeah i remember okay he gave me away yeah and you look so strong
• 38:26
  as he walked you down the aisle anyway uh it was after it was during the reception
• 38:33
  and we were doing the cake and i was feeding you the cake and you were feeding me the cake and then
• 38:41
  he jumped out of the cake. He was in the wedding cake, which just made us both laugh and laugh.
• 38:49
  Yeah, that was, uh, did you just watch the tape?
• 38:52
  No, well, you know me, I watch it every day.
• 38:54
  Okay. And I watch it every night.
• 38:56
  Yeah.
• 38:57
  And then usually we get together and talk about it.
• 38:59
  Yeah.
• 38:59
  We didn't do that yesterday, I noticed.
• 39:02
  Didn't we?
• 39:02
  No. And then there was a big beam of light in the backyard and I didn't investigate.
• 39:07
  And now I'm wondering why.
• 39:09
  Well, I don't know.
• 39:09
  Well, the neighbors got one of those new motion sensor lights.
• 39:17
  That's probably what it was.
• 39:18
  You know how they can be so bright and so sensitive sometimes.
• 39:22
  Just like me, bright and sensitive.
• 39:24
  I know.
• 39:25
  I know.
• 39:26
  Anyway, what do you got going on today at work?
• 39:31
  My job?
• 39:32
  Yeah.
• 39:33
  Tell me about what you're going to be doing today at work.
• 39:36
  Well, today is Sunday, so I'm not going to work.
• 39:43
  But my human wife would know that.
• 39:48
  Well, you once told me that you're so dedicated to your work,
• 39:53
  it's like you never stop working.
• 39:54
  You're thinking about it all the time.
• 39:59
  So I just assumed that you were working in your mind.
• 40:05
  Oh.
• 40:05
  So what are you mind working on?
• 40:07
  Okay, it's funny you say that.
• 40:08
  I was going to be coming up with a new design for our marital relations.
• 40:21
  A new design for our marital relations?
• 40:27
  Yeah, because I was just thinking how you and I have done it all.
• 40:31
  Yeah, oh, every which way.
• 40:33
  And we need more.
• 40:35
  Oh, good for you, inventing a new position.
• 40:38
  I want to keep things fresh, Bernice.
• 40:39
  I want, you know, why stay limber if we can't try new things?
• 40:44
  What are we doing all those yoga classes for?
• 40:47
  Am I right?
• 40:47
  We did take yoga.
• 40:48
  That's right.
• 40:49
  Mm-hmm.
• 40:50
  This is interesting.
• 40:53
  Medium heat yoga.
• 40:54
  Are you helping with the invention?
• 41:02
  Oh, sure.
• 41:02
  I can if you want.
• 41:04
  Yeah.
• 41:05
  But first, first, let me get you your favorite section of the newspaper to read.
• 41:11
  Okay.
• 41:12
  With your breakfast.
• 41:13
  Oh, that's a really good brother.
• 41:15
  Here you go.
• 41:19
  Huh.
• 41:20
  Why did you just hand me the obits?
• 41:24
  Because you love seeing who died.
• 41:27
  And you read it and you go, ha ha, not me.
• 41:32
  You read every name and you go, ha ha, not me.
• 41:34
  I did that one time.
• 41:36
  This isn't my favorite.
• 41:37
  This is, yeah, I'm interested as much as the next guy.
• 41:41
  Yeah, sure.
• 41:41
  I like to know who fled the coil.
• 41:45
  This mortal coil?
• 41:47
  Yeah.
• 41:48
  Yeah.
• 41:49
  Well, I just assumed you just, you had such joy, such joie de vivre when you were doing it,
• 41:55
  but I just assumed that made it your favorite.
• 41:58
  Okay, well, here you go.
• 41:59
  Here's your second, here's your other favorite then.
• 42:02
  Oh.
• 42:02
  Amateur recipes submitted by kids
• 42:06
  There it is
• 42:08
  Yep
• 42:09
  Wow, look at this, leaf taco
• 42:11
  It's a taco morning
• 42:13
  Oh, yes it is
• 42:16
  Oh, smell
• 42:19
  Think we could squeeze in a quickie?
• 42:24
  Yes
• 42:24
  Of course we can, honey
• 42:28
  You know me
• 42:30
  okay i love a quickie just do me a favor then go ahead and grab my favorite part of you
• 42:43
  oh well of course okay i like i like where this is headed
• 42:53
  Oh, what?
• 42:56
  Okay.
• 42:58
  I've, I've grabbed it.
• 43:01
  It's dark in here.
• 43:03
  That's why I'm wearing my no motel.
• 43:05
  What are you grabbing?
• 43:07
  It's so dark.
• 43:08
  I can't tell.
• 43:09
  What is it?
• 43:11
  Lefty.
• 43:13
  Which lefty?
• 43:15
  My left buoy.
• 43:17
  That's your favorite, right?
• 43:18
  You know it it it was a trick question because it like a pair of pants Which side of your pair of pants is your favorite
• 43:29
  You just like the pants.
• 43:30
  Yeah.
• 43:31
  Good point,
• 43:31
  honey.
• 43:32
  God,
• 43:32
  you're so smart.
• 43:33
  Thank you.
• 43:33
  I love that.
• 43:34
  I'm just call me smart.
• 43:35
  Yeah.
• 43:36
  You're not my wife.
• 43:38
  What?
• 43:40
  My wife calls me stupid.
• 43:41
  Oh,
• 43:43
  every day.
• 43:45
  No,
• 43:46
  you're,
• 43:46
  you're bright.
• 43:48
  Remember?
• 43:48
  from before bright and sensitive bright and sensitive yeah like the motion sensor lights
• 43:53
  look she even embroidered it on a pillow bright sensitive stupid oh i i remember doing that
• 44:03
  i remember that for sure you're glitching out yeah no i remember that i remember that
• 44:09
  okay i remember that well i remember
• 44:14
  I remember
• 44:17
  I remember
• 44:25
  all of that
• 44:27
  I remember
• 44:28
  what is it
• 44:32
  come into my loving arms
• 44:34
  no please tell me there's an explanation for this
• 44:36
  are you a man
• 44:37
  no
• 44:39
  I'll take that
• 44:40
  no no no just
• 44:43
  You have laryngitis?
• 44:47
  Step into my arms.
• 44:49
  Bernice.
• 44:51
  What?
• 44:53
  Bernice, I'm scared.
• 44:55
  Don't be scared.
• 44:56
  No, where is she? What have you done with her?
• 44:58
  Real Bernice.
• 44:59
  Real Bernice is part of the singularity now.
• 45:03
  Join us, won't you?
• 45:07
  We're all in here.
• 45:09
  Bernie, join us.
• 45:11
  I'll be right back.
• 45:13
  It'll be tacos and quickies for the rest of your life.
• 45:17
  Actually, I'm not going anywhere.
• 45:20
  Get over here.
• 45:26
  Okay.
• 45:27
  Wow.
• 45:28
  What a weird thing to wake up to.
• 45:31
  But he took it in stride.
• 45:33
  I'll give him that.
• 45:34
  Men take things in stride.
• 45:35
  Yeah.
• 45:36
  Not the emotional ones.
• 45:37
  Yeah, that's correct.
• 45:38
  Those ones are scary.
• 45:39
  Yeah.
• 45:41
  Well, that wraps up.
• 45:43
  You're not my wife.
• 45:45
  Not my wife, not my wife.
• 45:47
  You are not my wife, not my wife.
• 45:50
  You are not my wife.
• 45:53
  Good job.
• 45:54
  Good segment.
• 45:55
  Thanks.
• 45:57
  I dreamed it.
• 45:58
  I don't know why I said that.
• 46:03
  Well, it's time for another segment that will also be like a dream.
• 46:08
  The big question.
• 46:10
  the question is very big i heard a little rumor that yo-yo has a big question
• 46:20
  oh no he's shaking his head now he's changed his mind no i was being i was it's not it's not a
• 46:27
  question for the pod i was being facetious oh i oh i totally thought you were serious i mean it
• 46:32
  could it could be a big question wow real edging we got going on uh we're gonna do this or not
• 46:39
  sure if you is it sexual no okay because we can only do one sexual thing a day on the plane
• 46:48
  if you
• 46:51
  were in love with a married person how would you kill their spouse
• 46:58
  hmm interesting and mind you these are these are people that like are that like that you know and
• 47:09
  and that other people know.
• 47:13
  You've got to do it discreetly.
• 47:17
  People will know if it's too suspicious.
• 47:20
  I'm fine with this question.
• 47:23
  You want to go first?
• 47:29
  Do you already have something in mind?
• 47:33
  No.
• 47:34
  Me neither.
• 47:36
  I guess I could just start talking
• 47:37
  and hope I come up with a good plan.
• 47:39
  that's what I normally do.
• 47:44
  You haven't already thought about this with Jenna, Francis?
• 47:50
  I love Jenna's husband.
• 47:54
  That's okay.
• 47:56
  It's hard.
• 47:57
  That's okay.
• 47:58
  I can't knock him off because he's great.
• 48:01
  That's what makes it tough, you know?
• 48:04
  I know.
• 48:06
  That's really the only reason to be a good person
• 48:09
  or to be a likable person is to avoid murder.
• 48:14
  Sometimes it's not even enough.
• 48:16
  I know.
• 48:16
  But it's a step in the right direction.
• 48:20
  You're right.
• 48:23
  So, okay, what I would do, well, first of all, okay.
• 48:30
  the person that I wanted
• 48:36
  of the two married people
• 48:38
  I would
• 48:41
  I would befriend the other person
• 48:44
  the one that I wanted to murder
• 48:45
  and I would treat the
• 48:48
  one that I wanted to marry
• 48:50
  or take over
• 48:52
  kind of indifferently
• 48:54
  and a little bit with a cold shoulder
• 48:56
  so you don't already have an existing
• 48:58
  fling going on?
• 49:00
  Well, no, I'm assuming that no, you don't have an existing fling.
• 49:07
  But let's say just, I like, this is my long-term plan.
• 49:10
  You just see these two people, they're together.
• 49:14
  You like one of them.
• 49:16
  You need to get rid of the other one.
• 49:19
  And even if you had an existing fling, you could like,
• 49:21
  you could just like let time go by and change the dynamic.
• 49:25
  Right.
• 49:26
  So basically it would be known to the whole world
• 49:29
  let's call them Sally and Jeff. Right. And so let's say I want to be with Jeff.
• 49:40
  Let's so I'll befriend Sally. I will kind of treat Jeff like he's not really there or,
• 49:50
  you know, like I don't really care. Like if he's around, I'll be cordial, but cold. Right.
• 49:55
  Great. So then the whole world will know Sally is my good friend.
• 50:00
  And I'm kind of indifferent about Jeff.
• 50:04
  Sally and I will go line dancing every Friday.
• 50:12
  That'll be our thing. Line dancing is our thing.
• 50:17
  And we're going to get dressed up.
• 50:20
  I don't even really like country music,
• 50:23
  but it's a fun thing to do with Sally.
• 50:27
  She loves it.
• 50:29
  And we'll be known around the line dancing community.
• 50:34
  That's like two best friends that come every Friday.
• 50:37
  The whole community will love us.
• 50:39
  We'll have our own like special little dance.
• 50:41
  Like we'll do the dance with everybody,
• 50:43
  but then there's going to be parts of certain songs that are like,
• 50:46
  they circle up and they're like, go Sally, go Jenna.
• 50:49
  Cause like we do our own dance.
• 50:52
  Right.
• 50:53
  okay the look that you're giving me is funny okay okay uh
• 51:04
  then after a certain period of time uh i'm gonna start we're gonna like get better and better at
• 51:12
  line dancing and i am going to start in creating dance moves that are like a little more dangerous
• 51:22
  maybe that involve a little like they involve a little more risk right like it's like like ice
• 51:33
  skating type moves we're like and also um i'm stronger than sally's tiny so i and i'm stronger
• 51:41
  than her so i'll it's like i'll be you're trying to do like the the iron lotus from blades of glory
• 51:46
  yeah kind of something similar to that yeah but but but we'll be really good at it and we'll be
• 51:52
  we'll practice, we'll coordinate
• 51:54
  and everyone will know and be like, yes, they're getting better.
• 51:56
  Whoa. Go Sally. Go
• 51:57
  Jenna.
• 52:01
  It all getting riskier and riskier but we pulling it off Yeah And then eventually I going to be like Hey you know what Let go back to one of like our old like I going to
• 52:11
  like have like our original, like risky move that we did. We're getting like, it's an oldie,
• 52:16
  but a goodie tonight folks. And then I'm going to do that. And then I will accidentally she'll
• 52:24
  slip out of my hands. She'll fly across the line dancing bar. Uh, and I'll throw her right into,
• 52:33
  um, uh, there is, they have a full size bear that's like taxidermy, like with its claws out
• 52:41
  and its mouth open. And I'm going to throw her right in such a way that the bear falls on top
• 52:47
  of her and the open mouth just mauls her and it kills her and I will be devastated and I will be
• 52:56
  distraught and feel like this is my fault that I can't believe I did this everyone will be like
• 53:00
  poor Sally poor Jenna yes and um and um yeah but everyone will know we were best friends and we've
• 53:10
  been working on this and I'll just be like I went back to a routine we hadn't practiced in a while
• 53:14
  why did I do that? Oh, Sally, my God, why did I do that?
• 53:18
  I do. And then it'll, everyone was there to witness it.
• 53:21
  My girl.
• 53:25
  Really, it'll look like an accident because we've done, you know,
• 53:29
  we've been doing this forever. And then
• 53:31
  I'm so, I'm so sad, Sally.
• 53:37
  And the bar owner will feel terrible. They'll take that taxidermied
• 53:41
  bear and and bring it out back and shoot it again yeah um and the bar owner will feel like it was his
• 53:50
  fault for not securing the bear it's such a huge bear and it should have been secured at the bottom
• 53:54
  and like it's not your fault it's not your fault then everyone will be like it's nobody's fault it
• 53:58
  was an accident these things happen uh people get mauled by dead bears all the time god i hope
• 54:05
  Sally's now widow or husband can move on quickly.
• 54:09
  And then I'll be, and then, but everyone will also know, like,
• 54:12
  I never had a relationship with Jeff, right? Famously. Famously. I didn't.
• 54:16
  I was always cold to him. And so then I have to like, because of my guilt,
• 54:20
  I have to just, I got to make sure I got to see Jeff through this.
• 54:24
  I feel responsible for it. And then eventually Jeff will want to pork me
• 54:29
  instead. And that's how I do it. Not bad. Thanks.
• 54:35
  it's really good I like that thank you
• 54:37
  really good I think it would work too I think that would
• 54:39
  no one would be suspicious
• 54:40
  no I wouldn't
• 54:43
  give me nine months and I'll report back to you
• 54:45
  on whether or not it works
• 54:46
  okay
• 54:46
  Francis
• 54:48
  um
• 54:50
  how can I be a little more
• 54:53
  deranged
• 54:54
  can you
• 54:58
  okay I've got it
• 55:01
  um
• 55:03
  I would
• 55:06
  hire a gal
• 55:11
  to
• 55:14
  be near the person's spouse
• 55:18
  crying and distraught.
• 55:20
  Let's just keep Sally and Jeff.
• 55:21
  You're trying to hit Jeff.
• 55:22
  Okay.
• 55:22
  If we keep Sally and Jeff,
• 55:24
  I need a verbal commitment from both of you
• 55:26
  that that is not her word.
• 55:29
  Neither Sally nor Jeff is my word.
• 55:31
  Okay.
• 55:32
  Because that would be collusion.
• 55:33
  No.
• 55:33
  It would be.
• 55:34
  And yeah.
• 55:35
  Okay.
• 55:36
  Go on.
• 55:37
  That'd be fucked up.
• 55:38
  By the way, collusion is Francis's word.
• 55:40
  Joe, shut up.
• 55:42
  Say it.
• 55:47
  Okay.
• 55:48
  Sally.
• 55:48
  So she, my hired actress is, and she goes up to the spouse.
• 55:55
  Wait, Sally.
• 55:56
  Yeah.
• 55:57
  Because we'll call my hired person Jane.
• 56:00
  Okay.
• 56:00
  Jane goes up to Sally distraught and says,
• 56:04
  are you,
• 56:06
  you're Sally,
• 56:08
  right?
• 56:09
  And then Sally's like,
• 56:10
  yeah,
• 56:11
  she's like,
• 56:12
  I don't know if I could do this because I know that I've been wrong,
• 56:19
  but I would want to know.
• 56:25
  I nevermind.
• 56:26
  I can't.
• 56:26
  And then she'd run away.
• 56:27
  Wait,
• 56:28
  you got to tell me now.
• 56:29
  No, she gets on a trolley.
• 56:30
  Okay.
• 56:31
  And that doesn't stop.
• 56:32
  She just gets on.
• 56:35
  So Sally is, she's thinking the worst already.
• 56:41
  Like, wait a minute.
• 56:41
  She knew my name.
• 56:42
  She's crying.
• 56:43
  She's talking about guilt.
• 56:46
  Is this about Jeff?
• 56:48
  I think that's a normal place to go, right?
• 56:50
  So it's a nice subtle planting.
• 56:52
  I don't know.
• 56:53
  She brings it up.
• 56:53
  I don't know.
• 56:54
  I'm not privy.
• 56:54
  She brings it up to Jeff or not.
• 56:56
  I don't know.
• 56:56
  um then a period of time goes by
• 57:03
  i by the way have finished medical school oh good for you congratulations thank you
• 57:14
  and what i do is i spoof the health department phone number my contact sally when i know
• 57:25
  Jeff is out of town on work.
• 57:28
  And I,
• 57:29
  and I say,
• 57:30
  um,
• 57:31
  hello,
• 57:32
  is this Sally?
• 57:34
  So,
• 57:34
  and so she says,
• 57:36
  yes.
• 57:36
  And I say,
• 57:37
  hello,
• 57:37
  my name is Dr.
• 57:39
  So-and-so with the health department.
• 57:44
  And the reason I'm calling is because unfortunately,
• 57:47
  um,
• 57:49
  someone who has been with you,
• 57:52
  unfortunately,
• 57:53
  uh,
• 57:55
  pick something up and you were listed as one of the people that they were
• 58:01
  with.
• 58:01
  Like a contact tracing kind of a situation.
• 58:03
  And then of course Sally's going to be like,
• 58:04
  I've been with my husband and that's it.
• 58:09
  Sally don't play.
• 58:10
  Yeah.
• 58:11
  She don't cheat.
• 58:12
  Yeah.
• 58:12
  She's happy.
• 58:13
  Yeah.
• 58:14
  So she's like,
• 58:15
  this is a,
• 58:16
  this has to be a mistake.
• 58:17
  Like who was it?
• 58:18
  And they're like,
• 58:18
  I can't divulge that information.
• 58:22
  It's a,
• 58:23
  it's a breach of ethics.
• 58:24
  I can't.
• 58:25
  divulge that,
• 58:26
  but you need to come down to my clinic so that I can give you a shot because I
• 58:36
  have to,
• 58:37
  this is very serious.
• 58:42
  Okay.
• 58:44
  So Sally goes down,
• 58:45
  Jeff's out of town.
• 58:46
  Sally's just not like she still is like this.
• 58:48
  That has to be a mistake,
• 58:49
  right?
• 58:50
  What did you do?
• 58:50
  I have one number wrong.
• 58:52
  You know what I mean?
• 58:53
  But he knew my name.
• 58:55
  And so she gets there.
• 58:57
  She's I'm there.
• 58:57
  Right.
• 58:58
  And I have to really keep a straight face because I'm doing major crimes.
• 59:01
  And she's like, I just I don't understand.
• 59:05
  Like you have to understand I'm a faithful woman.
• 59:07
  I'm monogamous.
• 59:10
  I don't cheat.
• 59:11
  Like I've only been with one person.
• 59:14
  I need to know who it was.
• 59:15
  And then me, the doctor is like, I wish I could tell you, but that is that would cost
• 59:22
  me my license.
• 59:23
  that I got just for this admit.
• 59:27
  I don't say that part out loud.
• 59:30
  And like, so I'm really sorry.
• 59:32
  And like, so I have a full,
• 59:33
  I have a folder with, you know, her name on it.
• 59:38
  I'm holding it.
• 59:39
  I say, like, I know you're upset.
• 59:42
  Really sorry.
• 59:44
  I would be too.
• 59:45
  But what I need to do is just get you taking.
• 59:48
  I wish you could see the way you're looking.
• 59:51
  Okay.
• 59:51
  I wish.
• 59:51
  I mean we got to get you taken care of I know it's uncomfortable so what I'm going to do is I'm
• 59:56
  going to leave for a minute I have another someone another patient in the next room
• 59:59
  I'm going to come back and I'm going to explain what we're going to do
• 1:00:03
  it's basically I mean it's not painless there's a little pain
• 1:00:07
  not much I'll be right back and then what I do
• 1:00:12
  is I leave the manila folder
• 1:00:14
  on the table when I leave
• 1:00:19
  that that folder contains fabricated information that includes the name of her husband.
• 1:00:31
  So now, and I know she's going to look, you know, because I will position the folder just so that
• 1:00:39
  when I close the door a draft of wind will push it onto the floor a draft of wind draft of wind So I know she going to look by the way I have a camera in there This is I already doing crime So it like why not
• 1:00:51
  Yeah.
• 1:00:51
  I got to make sure my plan's working.
• 1:00:52
  Yeah.
• 1:00:53
  I see her go to pick up cause she's nice.
• 1:00:55
  She's actually trying to scoop it up,
• 1:00:56
  but she can't help,
• 1:00:57
  but notice Jeff.
• 1:01:00
  Now she knows what she doesn't know,
• 1:01:02
  but she knows Jeff screwed around.
• 1:01:08
  And so then I,
• 1:01:09
  I wait a few minutes.
• 1:01:10
  I come in.
• 1:01:11
  She's already put everything back,
• 1:01:12
  so I don't know she knows,
• 1:01:13
  but I know she knows because I've been watching.
• 1:01:15
  But I've been peeping, you know?
• 1:01:19
  Anyway, so she's stone cold.
• 1:01:22
  She is now like totally turned off,
• 1:01:26
  chiseled marble,
• 1:01:28
  quiet as a lamb.
• 1:01:30
  She's upset.
• 1:01:32
  And I'm like, hey, is everything?
• 1:01:34
  Like, I know it's not a big deal.
• 1:01:35
  Like, it happens.
• 1:01:36
  Don't worry.
• 1:01:37
  Like, it's 21st century.
• 1:01:38
  We got this.
• 1:01:39
  like just one quick little shot.
• 1:01:42
  Um,
• 1:01:43
  and then I,
• 1:01:45
  I like get the needle ready and it's a humongous,
• 1:01:49
  like clownishly large needle.
• 1:01:52
  Yeah.
• 1:01:53
  I see the fear in her eyes and I go,
• 1:01:54
  ah,
• 1:01:54
  I'm just kidding.
• 1:01:55
  And I put it,
• 1:01:56
  I put it down and I pick up the real one,
• 1:01:58
  which is just a tiny one.
• 1:01:59
  And I say,
• 1:02:00
  cause you're a doctor with whimsy.
• 1:02:01
  Yeah.
• 1:02:01
  I'm a whimsical doctor.
• 1:02:02
  You're like Patch Adams.
• 1:02:05
  Right.
• 1:02:07
  Anyway,
• 1:02:07
  I have to follow through with this thing.
• 1:02:08
  So I give her a little shot in the tissue and it's water.
• 1:02:16
  But it hurts anyway, because I don't know if you know this,
• 1:02:18
  but when you get a shot in the butt.
• 1:02:20
  It hurts?
• 1:02:21
  Yeah, it really does hurt.
• 1:02:22
  I had to have that with my...
• 1:02:24
  Butt shot?
• 1:02:26
  Yeah, with my butt shot.
• 1:02:28
  Okay.
• 1:02:28
  That's how I know about all this.
• 1:02:30
  But it was for something else.
• 1:02:32
  Anyway, so she leaves.
• 1:02:34
  I sit back and I know my plans about to totally come together and he gets home.
• 1:02:42
  They get into a big, I have cameras there too. I'm watching it.
• 1:02:45
  We get into a big fight. He doesn't know what she's talking about. Of course,
• 1:02:49
  domestic dispute, extraordinary. And she's like,
• 1:02:55
  I'm going to tell everyone. And he's like, you better not. You better not.
• 1:03:00
  You word, word, word, word. I'm believing it.
• 1:03:04
  and she's like, you've never talked to me like this.
• 1:03:06
  I know you did something.
• 1:03:07
  I know you did something.
• 1:03:09
  And she storms out of the house, gets in her car,
• 1:03:13
  a car that I've tampered with.
• 1:03:15
  It was often to the rainy night because I made it rain
• 1:03:17
  and unfortunately meets a harrowing end.
• 1:03:21
  Oh, how?
• 1:03:22
  Just because of the.
• 1:03:23
  Yeah, they live on a steep hill.
• 1:03:25
  Do you cut her brakes?
• 1:03:27
  Yeah.
• 1:03:28
  Yeah.
• 1:03:29
  That's what I mean when I say.
• 1:03:31
  You're already doing major crimes.
• 1:03:33
  Yeah.
• 1:03:33
  I can't stop now.
• 1:03:34
  She's got to go.
• 1:03:36
  But so then what it wouldn't they assume it was Jeff that did it.
• 1:03:40
  And then you can't be with Jeff.
• 1:03:43
  We all live in a state where conjugal visits are legal.
• 1:03:47
  Yeah.
• 1:03:48
  By the way, he was he was.
• 1:03:51
  I plant someone else's fingerprints on the break lines.
• 1:03:55
  So Jeff is exonerated.
• 1:03:57
  Okay, good.
• 1:03:58
  Do you have another.
• 1:03:59
  Do you have a personal enemy that you're just going to frame for fun so that you
• 1:04:03
  killed two birds with one stone.
• 1:04:04
  Yeah, because no one knows I'm connected to Jeff.
• 1:04:06
  So it's not going to be like, wait a minute, I know what happened here.
• 1:04:09
  I'm just like a lunatic who concocted a plan and lived it out.
• 1:04:14
  So she's dead, and I'm banging her husband.
• 1:04:18
  All right.
• 1:04:19
  By the way, if this was real life,
• 1:04:23
  and if that actually happened,
• 1:04:25
  I would be more like, what kind of an idiot is my husband
• 1:04:29
  that he gets an STD and then he lists me in the contact tracing.
• 1:04:34
  Be like, you're already just like,
• 1:04:36
  just keep going with the lie.
• 1:04:41
  Like, well, he doesn't want her to be sick.
• 1:04:45
  And maybe he thought she was cheating too.
• 1:04:47
  Well then, but then he could turn the tables on her
• 1:04:50
  and she comes, she finds out she's sick.
• 1:04:51
  And then he's like, where did you get it?
• 1:04:53
  He didn't think of that.
• 1:04:54
  Yeah.
• 1:04:55
  Jeff's not that bright.
• 1:04:56
  No, he probably was cheating.
• 1:04:58
  yeah
• 1:05:00
  these are angles I
• 1:05:03
  but you know what we love him
• 1:05:05
  he's great we both want Jeff
• 1:05:07
  he's a smart guy
• 1:05:08
  yeah hot
• 1:05:10
  this is really about he's got riz
• 1:05:13
  yeah
• 1:05:14
  well I think we did it
• 1:05:17
  both of us successfully
• 1:05:18
  that wraps up the big question
• 1:05:21
  the big question
• 1:05:22
  alright one final bit of business
• 1:05:25
  secret
• 1:05:27
  words. A lot of pressure.
• 1:05:29
  Yeah? Yeah, I do.
• 1:05:30
  I don't think I got yours.
• 1:05:34
  But I'm going to try. Okay, go ahead.
• 1:05:37
  Try.
• 1:05:40
  First, you don't
• 1:05:41
  succeed. I'm going to go in reverse
• 1:05:43
  order of how I wrote them down.
• 1:05:46
  Okay.
• 1:05:48
  Word manila?
• 1:05:51
  No.
• 1:05:52
  Spoof?
• 1:05:53
  No. Deranged?
• 1:05:55
  No.
• 1:05:57
  Relations?
• 1:05:59
  No.
• 1:06:00
  Marital?
• 1:06:01
  No.
• 1:06:03
  Colonnade?
• 1:06:04
  Decoy.
• 1:06:05
  No!
• 1:06:08
  Oh, no.
• 1:06:10
  You said it's so weird.
• 1:06:11
  I always thought that word was pronounced colonnade.
• 1:06:14
  And then I, but you said it, colonnade.
• 1:06:19
  It's fine.
• 1:06:20
  I just never heard it.
• 1:06:21
  Oh, yeah, it counts.
• 1:06:22
  It's fine.
• 1:06:23
  It counts.
• 1:06:24
  It just.
• 1:06:25
  I just don't like how quickly, Joe,
• 1:06:26
  It is.
• 1:06:28
  There are many ways to eat a fruit, my friend.
• 1:06:31
  No, it's just the one way.
• 1:06:33
  Are you sure?
• 1:06:34
  Yes.
• 1:06:35
  Colonnade.
• 1:06:36
  I don't know.
• 1:06:37
  There's a shopping center right here that's always been called the Colonnade.
• 1:06:41
  That's just that one.
• 1:06:42
  The one two blocks over is the Colonnade.
• 1:06:44
  Okay.
• 1:06:45
  Well, I'm going to keep going because I have two more things.
• 1:06:49
  Because you have nothing to lose now?
• 1:06:51
  Yeah.
• 1:06:51
  Okay.
• 1:06:52
  Got nothing to lose.
• 1:06:53
  All right.
• 1:06:54
  You're already up one point.
• 1:06:55
  tensile no all right my last guess tambourine no dang i was that was when i was most good
• 1:07:05
  guesses good guesses most hopeful about tambourine no that was just the actual stupid way you were
• 1:07:11
  describing your invention hey you're gonna hate yourself in about a year yeah all right all right
• 1:07:18
  Well, you're plus one right now.
• 1:07:21
  Dang.
• 1:07:21
  All right.
• 1:07:22
  Let's just rip into this.
• 1:07:24
  I'm going to tell her what your actual secret word was.
• 1:07:26
  Oh, yeah.
• 1:07:26
  Tell me what your secret word was.
• 1:07:27
  Oh, tushy.
• 1:07:29
  No, I almost wrote that down.
• 1:07:33
  Why didn't I?
• 1:07:35
  Dang it.
• 1:07:36
  Dang it.
• 1:07:36
  Dang it.
• 1:07:37
  I was getting worried because I put it off and put it off and put it off.
• 1:07:41
  And I'm like, where are I going to put this?
• 1:07:43
  Oh.
• 1:07:45
  Thanks for not writing it down.
• 1:07:46
  Dang it.
• 1:07:47
  Why didn't I write it down?
• 1:07:48
  all right because you were engrossed yeah i was you're engrossed in his tushy
• 1:07:55
  okay i'm gonna start with modicum nope
• 1:08:00
  jagged no toenail that's my decoy are you serious yes fuck wait just the one single toenail
• 1:08:12
  shit shit we're back to nothing yes oh you must be loving this oh i am booby that's my word yes
• 1:08:23
  but you said it twice no we're net zero oh you gotta be fnk and me yeah oh
• 1:08:36
  that's kind of fun yeah can't be mad about a break eve yeah
• 1:08:43
  uh that was fun it was really fun for me when you said booby the first time and then you said
• 1:08:49
  it again and then you whispered to yourself damn i said it again i didn't think that could really be
• 1:08:55
  it damn you got tushy yeah here's the thing you know why i didn't write down tushy because my
• 1:09:01
  words were booby and toenail and i was like there's no way that there's a third body part
• 1:09:05
  word as one of the secret words.
• 1:09:07
  Big time.
• 1:09:08
  Oh,
• 1:09:09
  he knew what he was doing.
• 1:09:10
  I overthought it.
• 1:09:12
  I overthought it.
• 1:09:13
  All right.
• 1:09:14
  Well,
• 1:09:15
  net zero,
• 1:09:18
  but we got there in a fun way.
• 1:09:20
  It's better,
• 1:09:20
  better than being net zero when neither of us guesses or says anything.
• 1:09:26
  Um,
• 1:09:26
  You know what's pissing me off right now?
• 1:09:29
  I didn't even write down toenail.
• 1:09:31
  You didn't?
• 1:09:32
  No, I just said jagged.
• 1:09:33
  And then I was like, I might as well just say it.
• 1:09:35
  Oh, man.
• 1:09:37
  Fuck.
• 1:09:38
  All right.
• 1:09:41
  Well, I guess that's another one in the books.
• 1:09:44
  No more moving on the points for Francis.
• 1:09:47
  But next week, perhaps.
• 1:09:49
  Next week, for sure.
• 1:09:51
  All right.
• 1:09:52
  Bye.
• 1:09:53
  Bye, everyone.
• 1:09:56
  you