Latest / Silver FM 100.6 / Anxious about trying for a baby? Here's how to deal

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Anxious about trying for a baby? Here's how to deal · Silver FM 100.6

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi there, I'm Brittany Luce, and not to brag, but
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: I host a really fabulous podcast. It's called It's Been
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: a Minute. I love making it, and I think you'll
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: love listening to it. Over the last year, hundreds of
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: thousands of listeners have been tuning in, and I gotta say,
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: if you haven't yet, you're missing out. Listen to the
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: It's Been a Minute podcast from NPR today.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: When you're trying to get pregnant, there is just so
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  Speaker 2: much waiting involved. It's just room for your thoughts. And
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  Speaker 2: there's so much of that when you're trying to conceive, right?
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  Speaker 2: There's waiting for the day that you're ovulating. There's waiting
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  Speaker 2: for your period. There's waiting just that few minutes for
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: that pregnancy test. All of that anticipation can really understandably
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  Speaker 2: be inherently anxiety-inducing, nerve-wracking. For some people, they're feeling this
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  Speaker 2: anxiety even before they're trying to have a baby. It's
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  Speaker 2: people who are seeing people around them struggling and they
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  Speaker 2: hear people struggling. So they're not even, you know, on
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: the train yet, but they think it's going to be them.
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  Speaker 3: I call that borrowing trouble from the future. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Someone told me once that worrying is like a rocking chair.
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  Speaker 2: It's something to do, but it's not going to get
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  Speaker 2: you anywhere.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. Now I'm trying to picture somebody trying to actually
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  Speaker 3: get somewhere in a rocking chair. Rocking their way down
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  Speaker 3: the street inch by inch. Hey, it's Mariel Segarra. You're
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  Speaker 3: listening to Life Kit. And I talked to Life Kit
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  Speaker 3: reporter Andy Tegel about the anxiety that can come up
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  Speaker 3: when you're trying to have a baby. It's especially difficult
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  Speaker 3: for folks who are having trouble conceiving when they get
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  Speaker 3: invited to, say, a friend's baby shower or when their
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  Speaker 3: sibling gets pregnant. And it's like, you know, you're happy
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  Speaker 3: for them, but you're also just really sad that it
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  Speaker 3: isn't happening for you. And I bet social media amplifies that. Definitely.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, I think the contrast can really turn up
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  Speaker 2: the volume and social media is really, really good at that. But,
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  Speaker 2: you know, I think there's also another side of that
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  Speaker 2: coin and it's that social media can spread awareness, it
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  Speaker 2: can spread visibility. The sources that I spoke to said that,
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  Speaker 2: you know, as hard and lonely as this process can be,
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  Speaker 2: can you imagine how much more siloed you might feel
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  Speaker 2: if you were dealing with this infertility even a few
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  Speaker 2: decades ago? So I talked to reproductive endocrinologist Lucky Seacon
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  Speaker 2: about this There are.
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  Speaker 4: These legions of women online and they all know each
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  Speaker 4: other's story. Their profiles will have like how long they've
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  Speaker 4: been trying, how many miscarriages they've had. Like there's this
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  Speaker 4: whole subculture online of fertility warriors. And if one of
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  Speaker 4: them makes it through to the other end and gets
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  Speaker 4: pregnant and you're left behind, I think that's really hard mentally.
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  Speaker 2: So on the one side, you don't have to deal
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  Speaker 2: with the anxiety of it alone, which is nice, but
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  Speaker 2: it can also... give you a lot more things to
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  Speaker 2: be anxious about. Maybe you see your friend going through
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  Speaker 2: one thing or another and you're like, oh, I didn't even,
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  Speaker 2: I haven't thought to do that. That wasn't on my
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  Speaker 2: to-do list. Now I'm worried about that, you know? And
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  Speaker 2: it can make it a lot easier to compare your
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  Speaker 2: life to someone else's like you were talking about.
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  Speaker 3: We're social beings.
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  Speaker 4: You need community. But if the community is going through
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  Speaker 4: the same thing that you are, it can get messy.
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  Speaker 4: And there's a lot of comparison and I think negative
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  Speaker 4: self-talk and people feeling like oh, so-and-so looks like they're
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  Speaker 4: handling it better than I. And I think that's really
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  Speaker 4: the key is like, take the community and the connection,
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  Speaker 4: but it's really a game of mental fortitude and discipline
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  Speaker 4: to say, I'm in my own lane. I'm on my
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  Speaker 4: own journey.
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  Speaker 3: On this episode of Life Kit, Andy walks us through
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  Speaker 3: the realities of conception anxiety and what we can do
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  Speaker 3: when we're feeling it. Does conception anxiety look and feel
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  Speaker 3: the same as generalized anxiety?
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  Speaker 2: Conception anxiety isn't a diagnosable condition that you'll find in
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  Speaker 2: like the DSM-5. It's kind of a general umbrella term
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  Speaker 2: that we've been using to talk about the stress and
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  Speaker 2: the nervousness that can pop up around fertility and conception. Online,
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  Speaker 2: you might hear people use the word fertility anxiety. Pooja
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  Speaker 2: Lakshman is a psychiatrist and professor specializing in women's health,
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  Speaker 2: and she's the author of the upcoming book, Quantum Shifts.
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  Speaker 5: You can become preoccupied with your menstrual cycle, with ovulation.
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  Speaker 5: You can be sort of compulsively Googling different symptoms and
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  Speaker 5: have high distress every month around the time where you
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  Speaker 5: know that you're going to be taking a pregnancy test
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  Speaker 5: without meeting criteria for generalized anxiety disorder.
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  Speaker 2: Okay.
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  Speaker 3: Okay. So you can have this kind of conception anxiety
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  Speaker 3: or you can have anxiety about trying to conceive without
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  Speaker 3: having been diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. In order to meet criteria for an anxiety disorder,
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  Speaker 2: your functioning needs to be impacted. So trouble performing at work,
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  Speaker 2: taking care of your family, things like that. Pooja says
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  Speaker 2: the majority of her patients aren't there and they're not
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  Speaker 2: going to develop a full-blown anxiety disorder during this time.
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  Speaker 2: But it's still really important to talk about these feelings
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  Speaker 2: because trying to conceive is still a major pain point
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  Speaker 2: for a lot of people.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, do we have any idea how many people this affects?
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  Speaker 2: She told me it's really hard to quantify this type
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  Speaker 2: of thing, but some studies have shown up to 40%
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  Speaker 2: of women that are trying to get pregnant will feel
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  Speaker 2: some level of psychological distress. And in my own non-expert opinion,
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  Speaker 2: that honestly feels a little bit low. I mean, it
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  Speaker 2: just makes sense to me that anytime you're striving for something...
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  Speaker 2: Anytime you really want something, that opens up the door
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  Speaker 2: to anxiety. Yeah, like you said, you know, anytime you
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  Speaker 2: really want a thing, it opens up the possibility of
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  Speaker 2: not getting the thing. And I think that's where that
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  Speaker 2: anxiety spiral can start.
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  Speaker 3: Right.
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  Speaker 2: But the thing about conception, what makes it distinct is
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  Speaker 2: there are a lot of other times in our life
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  Speaker 2: that are stressful. We might be going through anxiety. You know,
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  Speaker 2: maybe it's trying to graduate from college and you have
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  Speaker 2: to pass all your finals or it's switching careers or
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  Speaker 2: breaking up with somebody.
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  Speaker 3: Right.
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  Speaker 2: What Pooja told me is that most of those times
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  Speaker 2: of acute stress have a beginning, middle, and end, right?
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  Speaker 2: There's like light at the end of the tunnel that
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  Speaker 2: you can work your way towards. But when it comes
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  Speaker 2: to conception, it can feel like you're on this never-ending
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  Speaker 2: monthly hamster wheel.
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  Speaker 5: It's like this cycle of hope. And then you're constantly hypervigilant.
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  Speaker 5: Do I feel a little bit nauseous?
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  Speaker 2: Maybe I do.
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  Speaker 3: Maybe I don't. I'm not really sure.
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  Speaker 5: That cycle of waiting and hoping and waiting and grief
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  Speaker 5: is because of the nature of how repetitive it is
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  Speaker 5: and then the nature of not having control and not
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  Speaker 5: having an end date in sight becomes even more difficult
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  Speaker 5: to deal with.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, so if you are in it for the long
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  Speaker 3: haul and you don't have that specific end date to
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  Speaker 3: look forward to, how can you learn to cope with
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  Speaker 3: that uncertainty?
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  Speaker 2: First thing they said, just educate yourself. Don't just ask Dr.
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  Speaker 2: Google your questions at 3 o'clock in the morning and
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  Speaker 2: then worry in isolation. This is something that we've talked
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  Speaker 2: about since the How to Get Pregnant episode. Something we
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  Speaker 2: keep talking about is how health literacy for the average American,
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  Speaker 2: especially when it comes to fertility, is sorely lacking. Lucky
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  Speaker 2: gave me this analogy that I thought was pretty striking.
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  Speaker 2: She compared trying to get fertility treatments without proper knowledge
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  Speaker 2: to trying to get somewhere in a hurry without any navigation.
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  Speaker 3: You have no Google Maps.
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  Speaker 4: You're just going at breakneck speed and hoping to like
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  Speaker 4: squint and see the right exit.
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  Speaker 3: And it's chaotic.
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  Speaker 4: People are veering in and out of lanes and they're
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  Speaker 4: not always making the best, most measured decisions. And they're
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  Speaker 4: kind of just going based on whatever they think is
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  Speaker 4: the right next step, but they don't really have that roadmap.
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  Speaker 3: And to make matters worse, you're in a rocking chair.
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  Speaker 3: I had to, I had to. After the break, Andy
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  Speaker 3: shares more tips on how to deal with uncertainty and
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  Speaker 3: anxiety when you're trying to get pregnant. We've been talking
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  Speaker 3: about what you can do when you or a partner
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  Speaker 3: are trying to get pregnant and you're living in this
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  Speaker 3: period of uncertainty. There's a lot of misinformation about fertility.
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  Speaker 3: So First things first, you want to make sure you
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  Speaker 3: trust your provider and you feel comfortable around them.
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  Speaker 2: Another thing I talked about with my sources was interrupting
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  Speaker 2: the negative self-talk. Lucky was talking about how much blame
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  Speaker 2: and shame and guilt goes into this process when, like
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  Speaker 2: we keep talking about, you have very little control over
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  Speaker 2: the process. So she says something that can help with that, journaling, affirmations,
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  Speaker 2: all the things we love here at LifeKit. Let me
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  Speaker 2: introduce you to reproductive psychiatrist Sarah Oreck.
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  Speaker 6: If running is helpful to you, if breath is helpful, meditation,
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  Speaker 6: any grounding techniques, a sound bath once in a while,
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  Speaker 6: if all of those tools, if therapy, if those are
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  Speaker 6: helpful to you, maintaining those while you're trying to conceive
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  Speaker 6: and certainly while you're doing assisted reproductive technology like IVF
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  Speaker 6: is a really, really good idea.
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  Speaker 3: What about if you're on SSRIs or other psychiatric medications,
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  Speaker 3: can you stay on them while you're trying to conceive
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  Speaker 3: or while you're pregnant?
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  Speaker 2: Yes, it is possible. You should definitely talk to your
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  Speaker 2: own provider about what makes the most sense for you.
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  Speaker 2: But what they say is that a healthy mother is
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  Speaker 2: the most important thing. And for a lot of people,
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  Speaker 2: the best treatment is to remain on your SSRIs.
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  Speaker 3: What are some other ideas that you heard?
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  Speaker 2: One was to build in breaks from the stress of
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  Speaker 2: the cycle. So this is more specifically if you're doing
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  Speaker 2: fertility treatments, like you said, still take the time to
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  Speaker 2: go on a vacation, you know, or if you're having
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  Speaker 2: a hard time, maybe that means you don't have to
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  Speaker 2: pretend that you're not, that everything is going well. You
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  Speaker 2: don't have to go to every baby shower. The last
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  Speaker 2: bit of advice here is having someone on your board
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  Speaker 2: of directors, you know, Maybe that's your partner and maybe
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  Speaker 2: that's a therapist, someone that can help you decide when
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  Speaker 2: to stop trying. Maybe that's a rubric that you decide
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  Speaker 2: on beforehand. Maybe not. Sarah says this is a very
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  Speaker 2: individualized choice because it's a good idea to have that
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  Speaker 2: conversation and keep having that conversation. It's not an easy
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  Speaker 2: one to have. For some people, that line is like,
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  Speaker 2: it's my insurance will cover X number of cycles. For
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  Speaker 2: other people, it's evaluating quality of life.
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  Speaker 3: Right.
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  Speaker 2: Asking, is this the only way that we can build
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  Speaker 2: a family?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like it's deciding where to put your energy
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  Speaker 3: and what family means to you.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
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  Speaker 3: Can anxiety get in the way of conception?
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  Speaker 2: The jury's still out on this. Sarah told me that
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  Speaker 2: there just hasn't been enough research into this topic. There
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: needs to be more. What has been done points to
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: two different schools of thought. The first is that people
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: have not lost their ability to get pregnant, to have
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  Speaker 2: babies during highly stressful or anxious times. So wartime famine
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  Speaker 2: etc the other side says that they're likely related and
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  Speaker 2: possibly bi-directional anxiety affects conception and the inability to conceive
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  Speaker 2: can increase anxiety goes both ways research and conclusive but
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  Speaker 2: what we do know what Sarah told me that I
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  Speaker 2: really liked throughout the history of time never has it
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  Speaker 2: ever helped anyone to just tell someone to relax.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah it's like In a way, this can become a
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  Speaker 3: downward spiral if you're like, I'm so anxious. And that's
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  Speaker 3: what's stopping me from conceiving. I just have to be
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  Speaker 3: less anxious. Right. And then you put pressure on yourself
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  Speaker 3: to be less anxious. Like, that is not the.
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  Speaker 2: And then it's another thing you have to worry about.
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  Speaker 3: Exactly. You know, something that comes up for a lot
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  Speaker 3: of couples in this process is that they will get pregnant,
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: but then they lose the baby or they lose the pregnancy.
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  Speaker 3: And then... Moving forward from there feels so much harder
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  Speaker 3: because then you're worried it's going to happen again and
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  Speaker 3: you're grieving as well.
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  Speaker 2: Of course. Yeah, of course. What Sarah told me was
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: the thing that you have to know about pregnancy loss,
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  Speaker 2: if you're listening to this and this is something that
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: you're going through, is that it's really common. Current research
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  Speaker 2: puts the numbers somewhere around 15 to 20 percent of
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  Speaker 2: pregnancies confirmed by medical imaging end in pregnancy loss before
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  Speaker 2: the 20th week. And what she told me is as
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: soon as you start to open up about it, people
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: will start coming out of the woodwork. You know, like, oh,
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  Speaker 2: it happened to me. Oh, it happened to my grandma.
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  Speaker 2: You know, my grandma had three, et cetera, et cetera.
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  Speaker 2: It's one thing to hear the numbers. It's another thing
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  Speaker 2: when it happens to you and your body, of course, right?
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  Speaker 2: You're going to be the most connected to that loss.
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  Speaker 2: And that can be really scary, really anxiety inducing. But
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  Speaker 2: it doesn't necessarily mean that there's a bigger ongoing problem.
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  Speaker 6: Whether your reaction is, oh, I'm ready to conceive next cycle,
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  Speaker 6: no big deal. Or your reaction is like grief of
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  Speaker 6: like what you felt when someone in your family died.
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  Speaker 6: I think all of those are totally in the acceptable realm.
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  Speaker 6: I think a lot of people are looking for like,
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  Speaker 6: I need to be tested or something's wrong with me.
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  Speaker 6: And that's not necessarily the case. And often physicians don't
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  Speaker 6: recommend any sort of formal examination or testing of what's
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  Speaker 6: going on until about two or three losses.
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  Speaker 2: Which, of course, is really hard for a lot of
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  Speaker 2: people to hear. Sarah herself was someone who carried a
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  Speaker 2: pregnancy after loss, and she said it was pretty brutal,
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  Speaker 2: the anxiety that is. But it's something that happens a lot.
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  Speaker 3: If someone that you love is dealing with anxiety around conceiving,
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  Speaker 3: how can you support them?
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  Speaker 2: This came up a lot in my reporting experience. And
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  Speaker 2: this process doesn't happen in a vacuum for the person
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  Speaker 2: going through it, the people going through it. It can
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  Speaker 2: kind of feel like this ever-present elephant in the room, right?
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  Speaker 2: So if you're that person's closest to someone, you should
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: be sensitive to that fact. Or if you're in a
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: couple and you're both going through that, if you're both
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: struggling with conception anxiety... Don't suffer in silence. Talk to
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: each other about it. The sentiment from all of my
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: sources was that infertility issues can be make or break
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  Speaker 2: for couples, especially. It can be a source of real
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: intimacy coming together in this hard time against this common
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  Speaker 2: foe type thing, or it can drive a wedge between people.
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  Speaker 2: So it's important to show up. And there's a couple
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  Speaker 2: ways to do that. One suggestion from Lucky, just practical things.
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  Speaker 2: For example, if you're going through fertility treatments, perhaps maybe
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: an egg retrieval, We know that you need salty snacks.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: Maybe you bring salty snacks after that retrieval. Or comfy things,
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: comfy slippers, pajamas, like little gestures that just show people
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: that you're thinking of them, that you want them to
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: be cared for. Another suggestion, just being very careful with
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: your language during this time. You can be curious. You
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: can invite conversation. But you don't want to assume that
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: this is all somebody wants to talk about. You don't
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: want to push them to be open about it. And
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: you don't want to prescribe any advice, you know. People
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: love to give unsolicited and often unhelpful advice when they
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: hear you're trying to get pregnant and double, it seems,
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: if they hear you're having a hard time.
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  Speaker 4: Part of the issue is we need to educate the
• 15:17
  Speaker 4: general public, the five out of six people that don't
• 15:20
  Speaker 4: have infertility and never have to walk into a fertility clinic,
• 15:24
  Speaker 4: about the things not to say and the things to do.
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  Speaker 4: Never tell someone, oh, you just need to relax.
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: Go on vacation.
• 15:32
  Speaker 4: Everything happens for a reason. Oh, at least you can
• 15:35
  Speaker 4: do IVF. Don't keep asking. Any news yet? Any news yet?
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: Right. What else do you want people to know about
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  Speaker 3: anxiety to conceive?
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  Speaker 2: One last important message. Everyone I spoke to was really clear.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: You have to keep living your life. When you decide
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: you're getting on the baby-making train, it can become pretty all-consuming,
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: especially if you face any bumps along the road. But
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: making your fertility journey, your whole identity makes things worse,
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: not better. Pooja says when you don't get pregnant after
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: trying to do all the right things, it can feel
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: like another report card where you got an F. That's
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: a really hard place to live, but that's not the
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: only part of you. And that doesn't define you. It
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: doesn't have to define you. So one question that I
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: thought was helpful, she often tells her patients to ask themselves,
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  Speaker 2: what is this anxiety costing me? A lot of people
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: will put their bodies through a lot in this process.
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  Speaker 2: They'll spend a lot of resources to try and have
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: a baby and they'll tell themselves, it'll all be worth
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: it when I have this family. But she says, you
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: have to remember, you are a whole person as you
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: are right now.
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  Speaker 5: We can't let our life shrink because of this. So
• 16:40
  Speaker 5: you have to protect the things that you enjoy, the
• 16:44
  Speaker 5: things that bring you happiness. And if you're with a
• 16:47
  Speaker 5: partner going through this, you also need to protect that
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  Speaker 5: relationship too and not let it just turn into something
• 16:53
  Speaker 5: and exercise into trying to become pregnant.
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  Speaker 3: Andy, thank you so much for this.
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  Speaker 2: Thank you, Mariel. Okay, time for a recap. Takeaway one.
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: It's not just you. One in eight couples have trouble
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. Takeaway two. It's normal
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: to feel stressed about trying to get pregnant, especially with
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: today's technology. Takeaway three. Take note of how this anxiety
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: is getting in the way of your everyday life. Takeaway four.
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: It's okay to not be okay during this time. You
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: don't have to go to the baby shower. You don't
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: have to be over the moon for that friend on
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: your feed. But takeaway five, you do have to keep
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: living your life. You can't make your whole identity about
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: trying to have a baby.
• 17:44
  Speaker 3: That was reporter Andy Tegel. And that's our show. One
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: more thing before we go. Do you follow LifeKit in
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: your podcast app? Why not go ahead and do it
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: right now? Just tap follow so you never miss an episode.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: This episode of LifeKit was produced by Margaret Serino. It
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: was edited by Sylvie Douglas. Our digital editor is Malika Garib,
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: and our visuals editor is CJ Ricalon. Megan Cain is
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: our senior supervising editor, and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer.
• 18:11
  Speaker 3: Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider. Engineering support
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: comes from Jimmy Keeley. Fact-checking by Andrea Lopez-Cruzado.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: I'm Mariel Cigarra. Thanks for listening.