Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / The Truth About Life After Divorce: Grief, Growth, and Quiet Freedoms

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The Truth About Life After Divorce: Grief, Growth, and Quiet Freedoms · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the podcast The Truth About Life After Divorce.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Grief, growth, and quiet freedoms.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's all about what I know now that you maybe can't yet know about life after divorce.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: 13 or so years after my own divorce and having coached so many clients through the should I stay or should I go question, the separation, the divorce, and reorganizing life and family afterwards.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Here's some of what I know from my own lived experience, yes, and from so many clients.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Things that can be difficult to know until you live them.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: So some of these lessons and thoughts are actually my own personal reflections, and some are those of my clients.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: So when I use eye language throughout, it's not necessarily me.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm of course protecting the anonymity and confidentiality of my clients by just speaking and recording in this way.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to start with dates and memories.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: Dates, significant dates become easier over time.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: I personally choose to note them to clock them, even if I don't always honour them and certainly don't necessarily celebrate them anymore.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: But others, maybe you prefer to release completely from significant dates, you know, engagement, wedding anniversary, the day your partner told you they were done, or you had the conversation and decided together that the relationship was over.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: So you might not always honour them, but sometimes our body remembers them.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that remembering can be really acute and painful, and other times a little more bittersweet, and sometimes it really is just a quiet exhale of relief or even a celebration.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Hallelujah.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to acknowledge that date anymore.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And next I wanted to move on to what I know about myself after divorce.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Again, some of this is me personally, some shared by my clients.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Some of it, if you've been around for a while, you might have already heard what I know about myself.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I am fiercely independent and at times maybe too much so.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: I can do a whole lot of things solo and I can also ask for help.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I know who my people are, I know exactly where and who to ask.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: I am brave, braver than I ever imagined.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I can make the impossible become possible.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: I can make what I think is impossible into reality.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: I can make the impossible possible.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I can do really hard things, but I can do them with kindness, compassion, and grace.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I can be a fierce advocate for myself and my children.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: I know how to set and hold healthy boundaries even when it disappoints people or goes against what I have been conditioned to should do.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And that really translates to I have a whole lot less fucks to give about what other people think, and yes, that is me, hand on heart, that one is me.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I can choose myself over and over in the big moments and the small ones, and when I forget to choose myself, it feels off.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a good enough mum.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I'm a really good mum, but generally I'm a good enough mum.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I can make mistakes, I can apologize, I can make good, I can commit to doing better, I'm a good enough mum.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a super loyal friend, I'm a strong friend.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in my friendship group, if you're on my friendship list, I see you, I hold you, I show up for you, I cheerlead you, and I have those friends myself.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I can hold both.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Pain and freedom, grief and growth, joy that make kids are happy with their other parent, and deep sadness that I miss and will miss pockets of their lives.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not all sparkly fun and positive learning, right?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: There is the duality, the duality of grief and growth.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's layered and it's nuanced.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what we know that maybe you can't see or hold or trust in just yet.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that is you can hold grief for what was and also gratitude for where you are and where you're headed.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel sadness for the life you lost, the life you thought you were going to be living, and also excitement for the one you're creating.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: You can grieve the life you thought you'd have, and also feel excited and uplifted by the new version you get to create.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can honor your heartbreak and celebrate your growth.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can miss that person, you can miss them and still love yourself fiercely, still choose you.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: The flip side of that one is you can know it's right to separate and still feel love for them.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make that wrong if that's you.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: You can let go and hold on.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: You hold on to the lessons, you carry your learning with you.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel tired, bone deep exhaustion, and still feel alive in new ways, maybe more alive than you felt in a really, really long time.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can acknowledge your own pain and also embrace what's coming.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Embrace your freedom.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel lonely and still find peace, joy in your own company.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel the fear, you can feel fear, it's gonna come for you, and also dig deep, find, create the courage to step forward, to keep going, to redefine and reorganise your life.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel anger, deep, deep anger, and all the other big feelings, right?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And also practice compassion, and mostly that's towards yourself.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel uncertain and also deeply trusting in your ability to create a new version of life.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can go through this heartbreak, this pain, you can know heartbreak, and still open your heart to love again.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: You can carry regret, disappointment, and also be grateful, embrace the lessons that this is bringing you.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: So when you get to being able to see and hold the duality, this is sort of an integration phase, you know, your new 2.0 version of yourself, your new version of life, becoming you.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: So you can acknowledge what was and also honour who you've become, who you're becoming.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Next, I want to talk about what I wish I knew then.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: And again, some of this is my personal reflection, some is from clients who've reflected things back to me.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Whole lot of integrated information for you.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: What I wish I knew then.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: When you choose you, it will change everything.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, some parts will be hard, and your life will be amazing.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Choose you.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Rip the band-aid off.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Rip it off now, do the hard things, get them done.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Don't procrastinate, don't stay stuck in indecision.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know it's time.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you know it's time, rip the band-aid off.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: There will be times when you're lonely, times when you're alone, and those feelings are different, but they are valid, and moving through that is part of your growth.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: There is power, there is learning, there is peace in spending time alone.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Really getting to know yourself again, tuning back into yourself, just you.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: You will find all the things again.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: You will find laughter, you will find joy, you will find love again, and sex will be amazing and liberating better than ever before.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because you've chosen you, you've spent the time reconnecting to you, you know yourself really, really well.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sex will be amazing and liberating better than ever before.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: You will also find joy in the really simple things.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Your own bed all to yourself, a chair in the sunlight, the beach, coffee, whatever it is, going to the movies, the theatre, out for brunch, out for a meal, and yes, sometimes that will be solo.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you will find joy in those simple things.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: Next, what I would have done more of.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: More rest.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Not just sleep, but real deep rest.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Pausing without guilt, letting my mind and body recharge, taking breaks from all the decision making, taking breaks from people, from everything, all of that demanded of me.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: More rest and rest as a radical act of self-preservation and healing.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: More scaffolding and support.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Surrounding myself with people, mentors, professionals who could hold space for me, paid or unpaid.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: When I separated, I couldn't find a coach.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that's what I was looking for, but that's what I was looking for.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: So coaches, therapists, friends who would listen without judgment, or a guide to help you navigate the practical, emotional, and legal mess of divorce, legal and financial, right?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Asking for help sooner doesn't mean weakness, it actually means you're smart enough to invest in your own well-being and in your future.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: So if I could go back, I would get more scaffolding, more support, more expert advice.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: I would also encourage more self-compassion.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: If I could go back, I would offer up more self-compassion, repeating to myself that I did the best I could with the knowledge, resources, and energy that I had at the time.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: No, you did not fail.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Feeling the grief and mistakes without letting them define your self-worth, I guess.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Treating yourself as you would your dearest friend, softly, gently, compassionately, without criticism or judgment, shame or blame.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: More self-compassion.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: More trust in the process.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I coach my clients around this one, all of these, but this one comes up regularly.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: More trust in the process, letting go of trying to control everything, every outcome, and allowing myself to move forward step by step, being where my feet are, yes, of course, with an eye on the future that I'm creating for myself, but being where my feet are, knowing that clarity decisions will come in time.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: So trusting more in the process.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: More acknowledgement of small wins, celebrating the tiny victories, making a decision that feels almost impossible, staying calm when you want to just rail, explode, showing up for yourself on a day that feels really heavy, sometimes just getting out of bed and getting through the day, right?
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Celebrate and acknowledge the small wins.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: What I would have done less of less self-judgment, stopping that endless spiral, thought spiral of you know what did I do wrong?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I should have, I could have handled this better, and trusting that some things were never within my control.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: So less judgment, less harsh in a critic, less harsh in a voice, in a narrative, less comparison, and this is there's conditioning around this that runs really, really deep.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I've had a client just recently bring it up, an ex-client actually, she's happy in her own new version, 2.0 version of life post-separation, but with kids finishing school, stepping into spaces where there are the happy families, or supposedly happy families, she found herself tipped back into comparisonitis.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: And the fact that she and her child's other parent were not together felt tender and raw in that moment.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: So less comparison, less looking at other people's marriages or even their divorces or lives and feeling like we've come up short or we've failed or we did it wrong.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because not everything that looks great from outside is happy or healthy, and an ending of a relationship isn't a failure, right?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's an opportunity, it's a choice, it's an opportunity to choose differently.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: I would have done less rushing, moving too quickly through the big feelings, through grief, through sadness, through decisions or emotions, just to feel done, just to get it done.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: It often comes back to bite you, right?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: So rather just honoring the pace, honoring what my heart and mind needed, honoring well, honoring the process spoken about earlier, you know, trusting the process and honoring that it will get done.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Less isolation, and this is one that I work on with clients a lot.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Less withdrawing, less withdrawing, whether it's from shame or fear or overload, overwhelm, or just into deep heartbreak, instead of leaning into connection and support.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: So less isolation, less self-isolation, even when it feels hard.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Less ignoring my own needs, making sure that everybody else is okay, the kids are okay, your ex is okay, your ex-mother-in-law is okay, and saying yes to everyone while it is silently depleting ourselves.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: Less ignoring or minimising our my own needs, less putting myself last, and setting boundaries sooner that would have preserved my energy and my peace.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Less perfectionism.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: We still beat ourselves up so much to get it right, right?
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Believing that we have to get it right at every every turn, every small decision has to be perfect.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Life after divorce, or even when you're navigating it right, is not about perfection.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: It is messy, it is raw, it's about adaptation and learning and relearning and unlearning and reclaiming your own power and agency and choosing you in all your messy imperfection.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Some things that I would have done differently, and again, some of these are mine, some are clients that I've worked with.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Hired a coach sooner.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: So many clients say to me, I wish I'd come to you sooner.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: So hired a coach sooner, even if not a divorce-specific coach, me personally, as I said, I couldn't find one.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think they existed.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: But someone to support and encourage and guide and witness me through this massive transition and transformation.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Having someone to witness it as well as to guide and support.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I would have stepped out of my story earlier.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Not rewriting it, sugarcoating it, making it all nice and lovely, but reframing it.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Whether your story is about betrayal, heartbreak, victimhood, villainhood, maybe you are the bad cop.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Stepping out allows you to choose what's next and not stay stuck in that spiral of self-blame or self-analysis.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: I would not have sent that message.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: I would not have sent that email.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: I would have paused, slept on every single message, paused before sending.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: I would have not rushed us all, myself, to the illusion of a happy family.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: A happy step family, whatever that is.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something that Amy Taylor Kabazz and I have spoken about on an earlier podcast.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is something that you're experiencing, I'd encourage you to go back and find that one and listen to it.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's too raw and painful to rush into the we are all one big happy family story.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: And a parallel parenting model is perfectly fine if that's what's best for your heart, your healing, yourself, even for your kids.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Don't rush it.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: If it doesn't feel right, don't rush into that.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, what I wanted to share that I know personally and from clients about life after divorce that you might not yet know.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that is some simple quiet freedoms that you will experience.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sleeping diagonally across the bed, or or not even in the bed, sleeping wherever I want.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or or enjoying the entire bed to myself.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: Eating dinner in bed, watching TV, whatever you want it to be.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: Eating toast or whatever for dinner, not having to cook dinner at all if I don't want to, or not having to eat someone else's cooking.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no without explanation, justification, staying home if you want to say no.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: And as an extension to that one, not having to go to your mother-in-law's, your ex-partner's, uncle's, wedding, whatever.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: You get to say no.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: You don't even have to say no, you don't have to go.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Decorating your space, whether that's your bedroom, your entire home, decorating my space exactly how I want to.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: Listening to music as loud or as quiet as I want, whenever I want.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: And planning weekends or even holidays that entirely are for me, that completely 100% suit me.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: No compromise.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: I think really that's the key, right?
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: The simple freedom is about not having to compromise.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: That we can just choose ourselves in all the ways, big ways, small ways.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: Choose ourselves, choose for ourselves.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: And the last thing I want to say here about life after divorce is I want to talk about time.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: Time alone won't simply erase all the hard, all the hard things, all the pain.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Time alone won't heal the wounds, but it helps.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: Along with doing your emotional and practical work, it helps integrate all of this into your new version of life.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: Time will make things feel less sharp, less heavy, less urgent, maybe even less important.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: And time will open you up, open you up to possibility, to what is possible for you.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: The life that maybe you can't yet imagine, the joy that you didn't uh expect or didn't know was waiting for you, and that quiet power of choosing yourself every single day.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so if any of this has landed, if any of this feels true for you or it's a relief to hear and you'd like next level support, let's have a chat.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone this would help and support, please share it.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you'd like to have a chat with me, there's a link in the show notes, you can book a free intro call and we can go from there.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thanks for being here.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: Until then