Latest / The Everyday Awesome Project / 149: Victim Mentality and Martyrdom: Set Boundaries Without Becoming the Rescuer

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149: Victim Mentality and Martyrdom: Set Boundaries Without Becoming the Rescuer · The Everyday Awesome Project

• 0:27
  Samantha Pruitt: Hey superstars, welcome back.
• 0:28
  Samantha Pruitt: Polly here and Sam Pruitt.
• 0:31
  Samantha Pruitt: What's up, beautiful humans?
• 0:32
  Polly Mertens: Oh, beautiful people.
• 0:34
  Polly Mertens: Okay, so we were thinking about a topic for today.
• 0:37
  Polly Mertens: And a funky one.
• 0:38
  Samantha Pruitt: It's a little got it's got a little funk to it.
• 0:40
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 0:41
  Samantha Pruitt: Kind of like smelly socks.
• 0:44
  Polly Mertens: This isn't our normal upbeat, woo-hoo, you know.
• 0:47
  Polly Mertens: So just prepare yourself.
• 0:49
  Polly Mertens: But there is a light at this.
• 0:50
  Polly Mertens: Like we, we, you know, we're always here.
• 0:52
  Polly Mertens: I would say, you know, everyday awesome is about like helping you get unstuck, helping, helping you and the people around you, you know.
• 0:58
  Polly Mertens: So like part of our story, what we were sharing before we went on air is like where, you know, either we're seeing it or around people that, you know, we're talking today, just let me introduce it, is about victimhood, you know, having a victim mentality, martyrdom, right?
• 1:13
  Polly Mertens: And getting stuck in your own story, right?
• 1:15
  Polly Mertens: Which we all do.
• 1:16
  Polly Mertens: Like I was telling you before Air, I was like, okay, this is what was happening to me.
• 1:19
  Polly Mertens: I felt like I was running for an airplane, but I was in my house.
• 1:21
  Polly Mertens: I was having clearly not an empowering story going on, right?
• 1:26
  Polly Mertens: So, but you know, we were sharing before, like there's people around us and the energy, whether it's close loved ones or friends or coworkers or things that we run into, and this is everywhere, right?
• 1:37
  Samantha Pruitt: Totally, totally.
• 1:38
  Samantha Pruitt: And it's so disempowering.
• 1:40
  Samantha Pruitt: And the reason we want to talk about it is because if this may or may not be you, but you might be surrounded by or have to work with or live with or operate in a community with people who are like this.
• 1:53
  Samantha Pruitt: So we want to help you navigate it because it's challenging.
• 1:56
  Samantha Pruitt: It's hard not to get sucked into it if this isn't your way of operating when you're surrounded by these kind of people.
• 2:04
  Polly Mertens: And I what I'd like to start with is so I said, you know, victim and martyr, right?
• 2:09
  Polly Mertens: And one of the things that AI helped me understand is like, you know, not that we didn't know there was a difference, was like, okay, what's the difference?
• 2:15
  Polly Mertens: And this is just a simple way of describing it as we go into this conversation.
• 2:19
  Polly Mertens: So the difference between somebody who is experiencing, and I hope you guys all know when you when you when you hear this, like you have people that come to mind perhaps in the past or in your life, or you, right?
• 2:31
  Polly Mertens: So victim mentality sounds like life keeps happening to me, right?
• 2:37
  Polly Mertens: Like, why does this always happen to me?
• 2:39
  Polly Mertens: You know, like like there's all this exterior external stuff that's causing grief, suffering, pain, whatever.
• 2:44
  Polly Mertens: Martyr mentality sounds like, look at everything I sacrifice for everyone, right?
• 2:50
  Samantha Pruitt: Nobody appreciates everything all I do.
• 2:52
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, yeah.
• 2:53
  Polly Mertens: I've done all this for you, right?
• 2:54
  Polly Mertens: Well, you know, and that can sound like momness, I know, too, but it can show up in you know, in intimate relationships, you know, husband, wife, co-workers, co-workers, yes, yeah, totally bosses, you know, colleagues, whatever it is, right?
• 3:11
  Polly Mertens: So I would say both can create resentment, helplessness, and emotional exhaustion.
• 3:17
  Polly Mertens: And do you want to share anything about your emotional exhaustion that you've been I'm exhausted because there are people right now.
• 3:26
  Samantha Pruitt: I just came out of a big work project that had a lot of that going on.
• 3:29
  Samantha Pruitt: And as much as I tried to help be part of the solution, you can't do it for these people.
• 3:34
  Samantha Pruitt: Like they have to get there in their own accord, right?
• 3:37
  Samantha Pruitt: But being in it and around it is draining whether you have awareness it's happening, like I obviously did and was trying to be part of the solution to solve to and change the energy so it didn't become so dysfunctional that no one else could get anything done, right?
• 3:52
  Samantha Pruitt: Because that's what happens.
• 3:53
  Samantha Pruitt: The wheels just fall off the bus for everybody.
• 3:56
  Samantha Pruitt: Because we'll talk about some of the ways people respond to it.
• 3:58
  Samantha Pruitt: And, you know, people just start backing out of the room.
• 4:01
  Samantha Pruitt: Next thing you know, nothing's happening, right?
• 4:03
  Samantha Pruitt: So that's not fruitful.
• 4:04
  Samantha Pruitt: Um, and then I came home to like a family drama that's unraveling a little bit, and there's one person in particular that's just gone slightly off the rails, and there's no solving that for them.
• 4:14
  Samantha Pruitt: They they want to be in that place because they're so deep in their suffering.
• 4:19
  Samantha Pruitt: And I have a ton of compassion for it, but again, I can't solve to that or buy into the victim or the martyr mentality that's going on there.
• 4:28
  Samantha Pruitt: That's not healthy for me, and it's not healthy for them either.
• 4:31
  Samantha Pruitt: It's not helping them in any way.
• 4:33
  Polly Mertens: And I think there's a distinction that, you know, we're not trying to say that things don't happen to people.
• 4:38
  Samantha Pruitt: Oh my God, what shit goes wrong all the time?
• 4:41
  Samantha Pruitt: Our lives are crazy.
• 4:42
  Samantha Pruitt: Humanings are people, humanings hard.
• 4:45
  Samantha Pruitt: We get it.
• 4:45
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, yeah.
• 4:46
  Polly Mertens: This is not like, oh, it should always be sunshine and rainbows, and like never happen and no suffering.
• 4:51
  Polly Mertens: No, yeah.
• 4:52
  Polly Mertens: It things are happening, yes.
• 4:54
  Polly Mertens: And if you've listened to some of our episodes or any of our episodes, we're usually saying, like, and and what, right?
• 4:59
  Polly Mertens: Like, so what?
• 5:00
  Polly Mertens: Like that's what happened, right?
• 5:02
  Polly Mertens: And so, so what?
• 5:03
  Polly Mertens: So I think part of this is for you to, you know, if you're listening to this to see, like, wow, okay, you know, I've got some of that going on, or and you maybe you dip into it, right?
• 5:12
  Polly Mertens: Like I dip into times of like rooted in my story, not necessarily victim or martyr, but I can be stuck in a story.
• 5:19
  Polly Mertens: And so if yours is victim or martyr, what can you do?
• 5:22
  Polly Mertens: And then for people around you, right?
• 5:24
  Polly Mertens: Like, so you have, you know, family member, family members, whatever, colleagues, where you're experiencing that.
• 5:30
  Polly Mertens: I had that experience recently on a phone call, and it's like at some point, you know, how how do we adjust, right?
• 5:37
  Polly Mertens: How do we adjust to this person that either like is doing it for a little while or their life, right?
• 5:43
  Polly Mertens: You know, because I've got family members that's like that's a whole lifetime pattern, like that's just the way that person got an MBA in it.
• 5:50
  Samantha Pruitt: Okay, they got a doctorate in this thing.
• 5:53
  Samantha Pruitt: So talk about why it happens.
• 5:56
  Samantha Pruitt: Why do people even do this bizarre behavior, Polly?
• 6:00
  Polly Mertens: I'm sure there's more reasons, ways than this, but so you know, possible underlying causes we could point to.
• 6:06
  Polly Mertens: So childhood experiences where someone felt powerless or unseen.
• 6:10
  Samantha Pruitt: Mm-hmm.
• 6:11
  Samantha Pruitt: Mm-hmm.
• 6:12
  Samantha Pruitt: Right?
• 6:12
  Samantha Pruitt: I get that.
• 6:13
  Samantha Pruitt: I get that.
• 6:14
  Polly Mertens: We're little people, and you know, we get ignored, we get left behind, we're not listened to, or something like that.
• 6:20
  Polly Mertens: And, you know, that can be like nobody listens to me, you know, nobody cares, right?
• 6:24
  Polly Mertens: Or, you know, there's that power, there's a great TED talk where the gal was talking about like good girls get created, right?
• 6:30
  Polly Mertens: And I fell into that for a long time about like there's a person in the family dynamic that has high needs, right?
• 6:37
  Polly Mertens: So if there's an alcoholic or there's an injured, you know, or mentally unstable or whatever, somebody in the family needs has high needs.
• 6:44
  Polly Mertens: So the little girl doesn't want to be a further burden.
• 6:48
  Polly Mertens: So this was particularly, it doesn't have to be a girl, it could be a boy, but she says, you know, that little girl becomes like, I'll I'll do whatever the family needs so that everybody's okay, right?
• 6:58
  Polly Mertens: So they become this like people pleaser.
• 7:00
  Polly Mertens: They like do things over, over give, over whatever.
• 7:04
  Polly Mertens: And then later in life, that strategy, that success strategy for surviving in that particular family, you take that into the world because that's what you learned.
• 7:12
  Polly Mertens: Well, and then you get to that resentment, like you're just overgiving in places where people aren't asking you, right?
• 7:18
  Polly Mertens: And it's like, yeah, why why aren't why aren't people recognizing my contribution?
• 7:22
  Polly Mertens: Right.
• 7:23
  Polly Mertens: So what else?
• 7:25
  Samantha Pruitt: You feel unvalued, and you know, maybe there are circumstances where there is truth to that, but instead you extrapolate and sort of put it onto every and all roles that you have, whatever those might be, because you've decided that is a piece of your identity now.
• 7:40
  Samantha Pruitt: I am not valued by others, period, and stop, right?
• 7:44
  Polly Mertens: And it's not true.
• 7:45
  Polly Mertens: And I think where the trap is in not seeing that you're driven by something subconsciously, right?
• 7:52
  Polly Mertens: You know, there is generosity in the world, right?
• 7:55
  Polly Mertens: Like, oh, I want to do for someone else, or I want to help, or be supportive, or something like that.
• 8:00
  Polly Mertens: But when it goes too far, and then when you resent because it's not appreciated or it's not acknowledged, or you just keep giving, and then you feel out of balance for the amount of giving, that's when that's that's on you, you know, right?
• 8:14
  Samantha Pruitt: Yep, exactly.
• 8:15
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 8:16
  Polly Mertens: So an other another underlying cause, there might have been, you know, straight up trauma, betrayal, or repeated disappointment.
• 8:24
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah.
• 8:25
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 8:25
  Polly Mertens: Just sorry, you know, like that that could have created that underlying trauma, dysfunction.
• 8:31
  Samantha Pruitt: So that's truth in things that happened to you, things that occurred in your life at whatever point, whatever that was about, with a person or a group of people or culture or society, even right.
• 8:43
  Samantha Pruitt: But then again, you've made it part of your identity and you carry it into every circumstance forward from there, which has nothing to do with that past trauma or betrayal or whatever that experience was, right?
• 8:57
  Samantha Pruitt: But you've decided it is now part of you.
• 9:00
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 9:01
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 9:02
  Polly Mertens: And, you know, it's like the walking wounded.
• 9:04
  Polly Mertens: It's like that, it's like a like a patch that you have on you, or like your magnetic energy inside of you is like, well, it happened to me then.
• 9:13
  Polly Mertens: And whatever story you made up then that you didn't heal through it and like realize it what you know, like children who are abused or sexually molested or something like that, if the story isn't clarified, that it wasn't their fault and they didn't do anything wrong or something like that, they walk around with this story that like they deserved it, or they they called it upon themselves or whatever.
• 9:36
  Polly Mertens: And then they just like I find that when I run into people that have that still later in life, it's like a like a magnet for it.
• 9:44
  Polly Mertens: Like they just sort of attract more perpetrators, you might say, or who don't treat them well, if you will.
• 9:51
  Polly Mertens: And then they just perpetuate that.
• 9:53
  Polly Mertens: Like, why does it keep happening to me?
• 9:54
  Polly Mertens: Why does it keep happening to me?
• 9:56
  Samantha Pruitt: That's horrible.
• 9:58
  Polly Mertens: Not pretty, not pretty.
• 9:59
  Polly Mertens: So, how about receiving attention, sympathy, or validation through suffering?
• 10:04
  Samantha Pruitt: So you get rewarded.
• 10:05
  Samantha Pruitt: Basically, you get rewarded for it.
• 10:08
  Polly Mertens: Okay.
• 10:10
  Samantha Pruitt: These are not real rewards, they're not real things that make you happy, whole, joyful, loved.
• 10:18
  Samantha Pruitt: They're not, it's not real.
• 10:19
  Samantha Pruitt: It's a false sense of you know, purpose or value or placation or whatever it is.
• 10:25
  Samantha Pruitt: It's not, it's not really a reward, but it appears like one.
• 10:29
  Polly Mertens: You know, it's a little bit of like the opposite end of like kids who learn to be strivers or high achievers to get recognition and you know, you know, people they stand out because of that, whether it's for the family or the social structure or whatnot.
• 10:44
  Polly Mertens: And then the lower end is like by being sick a lot, they get a lot of, oh, you know, taking care and love and attention, staying home from school, whatever it is, right?
• 10:53
  Polly Mertens: So it's the and not the antithesis of it, but it's just that same dynamic of striving for something or creating an identity based on getting attention, love, some needs met at that time.
• 11:04
  Samantha Pruitt: You know, it's crazy how growing up can really fuck you up.
• 11:07
  Samantha Pruitt: I mean, I'm just saying.
• 11:09
  Samantha Pruitt: It's amazing.
• 11:13
  Polly Mertens: And nobody gets out with this without any scars or trauma.
• 11:16
  Polly Mertens: Exactly.
• 11:17
  Polly Mertens: Exactly.
• 11:18
  Polly Mertens: Fear of taking responsibility.
• 11:20
  Polly Mertens: So another possible underlying is fear of taking responsibility because change feels overwhelming.
• 11:26
  Polly Mertens: Right?
• 11:28
  Polly Mertens: Like, who would I be if I didn't I wasn't like this, you know?
• 11:31
  Polly Mertens: They started taking responsibility for their life or taking responsibility for the things that happened to them, or just sucking up like you know, like I was telling you a a client that just kind of keeps spouting, like how busy, how busy, how busy?
• 11:44
  Polly Mertens: And I'm and it's like I've got all this thing, and it never ends.
• 11:46
  Polly Mertens: And I'm like, Yeah, welcome to entrepreneuring.
• 11:49
  Polly Mertens: Welcome to entrepreneuring.
• 11:51
  Samantha Pruitt: Yep, yep, that's how it is for me and everybody, you know.
• 11:55
  Samantha Pruitt: So and the question is, how are you going to manage it if you decided to pick this lifestyle choice?
• 12:02
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, so it doesn't run you over like a freight train.
• 12:06
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, and so it's like I'm gonna take responsibility and be like, oh, I want to be an entrepreneur, and that comes with a lot of decisions, it comes with a lot of responsibility and risk and perhaps sleepless nights or you know, bigger, bigger problems that you're uniquely designed to solve that other people weren't willing to.
• 12:22
  Polly Mertens: It's like, oh, you know, and then you can language it differently.
• 12:25
  Polly Mertens: But we'll get into the what to do in a little bit.
• 12:29
  Samantha Pruitt: Totally.
• 12:30
  Polly Mertens: So a need to be right, understood, or vindicated.
• 12:33
  Polly Mertens: Right.
• 12:36
  Samantha Pruitt: Why do people need to be right?
• 12:37
  Samantha Pruitt: Like, I could people don't have to agree with me all day long.
• 12:41
  Samantha Pruitt: What does that have to do with me?
• 12:43
  Samantha Pruitt: Right.
• 12:43
  Samantha Pruitt: I I I I have zero attachment to whatever their ideas are about whatever the thing is.
• 12:50
  Polly Mertens: Cool.
• 12:50
  Polly Mertens: You know what's so I love what you're pointing at right now, and it feels like it's a little different.
• 12:55
  Polly Mertens: It's like not where you sit, because you're such a diplomat, you're you know, I've tell you this, like you're total Switzerland, you're like right in the middle, like it's all good, people.
• 13:05
  Samantha Pruitt: I try to be every now and then I get drugged to the other side, but anyway, I try.
• 13:08
  Polly Mertens: Dark side take a side, but it's like so.
• 13:12
  Polly Mertens: What you're pointing at is like, look, I have an opinion, and it doesn't make yours wrong or right or whatever.
• 13:17
  Polly Mertens: It's just like have it, you have it, great, you know, like we can both be right, right?
• 13:23
  Samantha Pruitt: From my vantage point, whatever, right?
• 13:26
  Samantha Pruitt: From your vantage point, and why we think those two things would be the same when we're completely different humans, coming from completely different experiences, a lifetime of experiences, by the way, with different ideas, different talents, different skills, different everything.
• 13:40
  Samantha Pruitt: Everything about us is different.
• 13:42
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, so the idea about convincing somebody anything is totally ludicrous, really.
• 13:50
  Samantha Pruitt: It's amazing we even get along as a human species.
• 13:53
  Samantha Pruitt: And for a long time we didn't, of course, right?
• 13:56
  Samantha Pruitt: We had adversarial tribes and communities and populations that didn't, and we still are at war today.
• 14:03
  Samantha Pruitt: So, like, you know, apparently humans suck at this.
• 14:06
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, we're still doing the get and right thing.
• 14:08
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, still doing the getting right around religion and a couple places, it's like, oh geez, don't get me started.
• 14:15
  Samantha Pruitt: Waste of energy.
• 14:16
  Polly Mertens: All right, let's shift to how do you know you're stuck in your story?
• 14:20
  Polly Mertens: Because I mean, we're not gonna go into this episode too much about like where your story comes from and how these, you know, we got a little bit of like some of the where these are created, but the experience you're having in your life is largely the story you're telling about what's happening.
• 14:33
  Polly Mertens: I agree to that.
• 14:34
  Polly Mertens: It's like there's what happened, and then instantly your mind, because of your life experiences, the way your mind is, who this relationship is with this person and the dynamic, whatever.
• 14:44
  Polly Mertens: You your your brain just instantly goes and narrates this is what this means, right?
• 14:49
  Polly Mertens: It adds meaning, you're doing it, your mind is doing it, so it's your story to choose or change, right?
• 14:57
  Polly Mertens: So, how do you know you're stuck in your story?
• 14:59
  Polly Mertens: So, some signs.
• 15:00
  Polly Mertens: Anything you want to say to add to that?
• 15:02
  Samantha Pruitt: Is that I mean, yeah, we do that and then we pour gasoline on it.
• 15:05
  Samantha Pruitt: So there's match if we could just do that, because you and I generally may do that a little bit still, but then we become immediately aware that we did it.
• 15:18
  Samantha Pruitt: Well okay, so we don't fuel it, we don't pour gasoline on it, we go, hold up, check, as in self-check.
• 15:25
  Samantha Pruitt: Hmm.
• 15:28
  Polly Mertens: Well, and this is what happens.
• 15:29
  Polly Mertens: So the mind is always a meaning-making machine, right?
• 15:33
  Polly Mertens: It is fucking narrating your life experience.
• 15:37
  Polly Mertens: If you 24-7, you hadn't noticed you've got a narrator in your life, like you walk through the grocery store, you're like, oh, that looks nice.
• 15:43
  Polly Mertens: Oh, that dress is stupid.
• 15:44
  Polly Mertens: Oh boy, they moved the whatever, like ding, ding, ding, ding, like it's narrating, right?
• 15:49
  Polly Mertens: Things happen, show up, emails come in, conversations you have, whatever.
• 15:53
  Polly Mertens: People don't get back to you, whatever.
• 15:56
  Polly Mertens: Meaning gets added by that little narrator in your mind.
• 15:59
  Polly Mertens: And if you're not noticing like it off to the side, but you think it's your story, you're just you're just bought into it, right?
• 16:05
  Polly Mertens: So when you can create a little space from it, I think one of the first things that helps me is checking in with my body, right?
• 16:14
  Polly Mertens: So we don't always pay attention to every thought that we're thinking, but if you can notice that a non-positive energy state, like something has shifted, like, oh, like I didn't take that well.
• 16:25
  Polly Mertens: Or I say one of mine is I'm emotionally hijacked, especially if it's like a tense situation, right?
• 16:30
  Polly Mertens: So, like your energy shifts in your body.
• 16:33
  Polly Mertens: Check the screen.
• 16:34
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, yeah.
• 16:36
  Samantha Pruitt: I mean, it's trick, it's a trigger.
• 16:37
  Samantha Pruitt: So some uh however minor or major, whatever, right?
• 16:41
  Samantha Pruitt: Like, so something triggers you, you can instantly feel it in your skin inside this body bag that we walk around it with, because your nervous system upon being triggered, no matter to what level, a scale of one to ten, right?
• 16:54
  Samantha Pruitt: Even a one is like think nervous system reaction.
• 16:59
  Polly Mertens: Here's the distinction, I think, for people that we would say that don't just do this like once in a while, but they have it a little bit more like a pattern.
• 17:07
  Polly Mertens: Like I have a family member that's like a pattern of you know, victim, or you may know people, and as we're talking about this, maybe you like can think of people in your life.
• 17:15
  Polly Mertens: You're like, I think that's a martyr, I think that's a victim, you know.
• 17:18
  Polly Mertens: It's like they've they've so what happens is we get locked into a certain energetic state in our body, becomes like a home state.
• 17:26
  Polly Mertens: So it's no longer for those people out of whack.
• 17:29
  Polly Mertens: It's not uncomfortable, it's familiar.
• 17:33
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, it's known for them.
• 17:35
  Polly Mertens: So it's like, oh, this is home.
• 17:36
  Polly Mertens: Like, oh yeah, I remember this.
• 17:38
  Polly Mertens: This is like, even if it doesn't feel good, it's victim, right?
• 17:41
  Polly Mertens: Like, whoa is me, you know, like feeling sad for themselves.
• 17:44
  Samantha Pruitt: It's like their favorite bar and their favorite bar stool, right?
• 17:47
  Samantha Pruitt: They just keep going back day after day after day.
• 17:50
  Samantha Pruitt: Well, this isn't good for me, but I'm gonna sit here anyway.
• 17:53
  Samantha Pruitt: Stir it up.
• 17:55
  Polly Mertens: How can I, oh, let me give me a second helping of that, right?
• 17:57
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, I'll take a double shot.
• 17:59
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, and then they let that mind ruminate on it, right?
• 18:02
  Polly Mertens: So, you know, you talk about it, you share about it, you tell other people about it, you blog about whatever, you know, like you you grow that energy.
• 18:11
  Polly Mertens: And it, hey, guess what?
• 18:12
  Polly Mertens: You become more familiar with that state.
• 18:14
  Polly Mertens: So guess what?
• 18:15
  Polly Mertens: You're gonna get you're gonna get more like I'm telling you, the universe loves to give you what you what you're a match to.
• 18:21
  Polly Mertens: You're like, I'm feeling like the brain.
• 18:23
  Samantha Pruitt: I'm laughing because I was just at a very big event and we were doing all these different debriefs with different groups and whatever.
• 18:29
  Samantha Pruitt: And I mean, I am a diplomat, yes, but I'm also like problem solver.
• 18:33
  Samantha Pruitt: Okay, obviously things aren't perfect.
• 18:36
  Samantha Pruitt: We have some things, let's solve to them.
• 18:38
  Samantha Pruitt: So the idea is you know, you decompress and then you debrief and problem solve.
• 18:43
  Samantha Pruitt: But you'll see these types of individuals in these types of meetings, okay, whether it's a family crisis or work crisis, doesn't matter.
• 18:51
  Samantha Pruitt: And they just want to keep pouring the story and the gasoline, and then this happened, and then this happened.
• 18:57
  Samantha Pruitt: And they basically said the same thing 10 times.
• 18:59
  Samantha Pruitt: Well, I just recently left a meeting because I couldn't stand it for another second.
• 19:04
  Polly Mertens: Another minute, totally.
• 19:06
  Samantha Pruitt: It wasn't going to move towards problem solving, no matter how much I said or a few other people said, to change the direction of the conversation.
• 19:15
  Samantha Pruitt: Other people either stayed silent or they poured more gasoline on this person's victimhood scenario.
• 19:22
  Samantha Pruitt: And I was like, this is no longer productive.
• 19:24
  Samantha Pruitt: I'm I don't need to be here.
• 19:26
  Polly Mertens: And I think that's the distinction, right?
• 19:28
  Polly Mertens: So it's, I mean, well, you know, like further along, we'll start talking about solutions, but it's like when you so there, like you said, it's a trauma moment or trigger, right?
• 19:39
  Polly Mertens: So like it's bringing it's triggering an old trauma that you had that reminds you to go back into that whatever, that familiar state that you patterned as a child that you've lived through, that you keep repeating, right?
• 19:52
  Polly Mertens: So if you don't correct it and problem solve or get out of it, you stay in it, you you continue it even further, right?
• 20:00
  Polly Mertens: You know, some signs you like you said, you repeatedly tell the same painful story, and it could look different, like you could be talking about a different one scenario over here, and one scenario, but you're like, there she is again, something else to be a victim about.
• 20:11
  Polly Mertens: Like, you know, phone call comes in, it's like, oh great, now what are we talking about that's going wrong in your life?
• 20:17
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, you blame others for your circumstances, like pointing fingers, like this is happening to me.
• 20:24
  Polly Mertens: Let's see, you feel misunderstood or underappreciated.
• 20:28
  Polly Mertens: It's like nobody get nobody appreciates me around here, right?
• 20:32
  Polly Mertens: You reject solutions, this is my favorite, but continue discussing the problem.
• 20:38
  Polly Mertens: I just can't.
• 20:41
  Polly Mertens: I just I just can't.
• 20:43
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, that that's the I think the biggest like it's one thing if the person has problems like every day of the week and they just keep like having a pattern of like, oh my god, you know, telling about their problems.
• 20:54
  Polly Mertens: But if you refuse or reject solutions, that's when you know you're stuck in that story.
• 20:59
  Polly Mertens: Like, oh, you you must just want to have that then.
• 21:02
  Samantha Pruitt: Right.
• 21:02
  Samantha Pruitt: In Buddhism, they call it the second arrow, right?
• 21:04
  Samantha Pruitt: Are you familiar with that?
• 21:05
  Samantha Pruitt: Right.
• 21:06
  Samantha Pruitt: So the first arrow is the thing that happened that caused the pain or suffering, and then the second arrow is you.
• 21:11
  Samantha Pruitt: And then I'm gonna just keep shooting that arrow over and over.
• 21:16
  Samantha Pruitt: And that's the staying stuck in the suffering, the second arrow.
• 21:20
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, yeah.
• 21:21
  Samantha Pruitt: And of course, it's just as much as the first, by the way.
• 21:24
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, it's like just that you do it to yourself.
• 21:27
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 21:28
  Polly Mertens: Compassion, compassion for this.
• 21:30
  Polly Mertens: So you struggle to celebrate other you struggle to celebrate other people's uh success or happiness, right?
• 21:37
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, that's a huge bummer, right?
• 21:38
  Samantha Pruitt: Because you probably are also part of those moments, or they want you to be part of those moments, and you're basically missing out on that.
• 21:46
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, you're isolating in that old pattern that feels familiar, not allowing yourself to step over and feel good and you know, other people's happiness.
• 21:53
  Polly Mertens: Because I mean, that shit's contagious, man.
• 21:55
  Polly Mertens: Like people are having good days.
• 21:57
  Polly Mertens: I'm like, come here, tell me about it, you know.
• 21:59
  Polly Mertens: I'm like, I can't.
• 22:00
  Polly Mertens: Like I called someone yesterday, I was like sharing, and I was like, Oh my god, this is good things are happening, good things are happening, and I just couldn't wait to share, right?
• 22:07
  Polly Mertens: It's like, yeah, l share that with me, you know.
• 22:10
  Polly Mertens: But if you're down in victim, it's like, oh no, I can't get out of this martyrdom or whatever enough to enjoy that.
• 22:17
  Samantha Pruitt: So you can experience these things.
• 22:19
  Samantha Pruitt: As small and simple as like standing in a grocery line.
• 22:23
  Samantha Pruitt: Okay.
• 22:23
  Samantha Pruitt: And the people in the grocery line, I mean, I talk to people, I talk to strangers all the time.
• 22:28
  Samantha Pruitt: Like that's you know part of what I do in the world.
• 22:30
  Samantha Pruitt: I I generally now am pretty good about it, like assessing somebody's energy and sort of what vibration they're giving off.
• 22:36
  Samantha Pruitt: So I may or may not engage with them based on that.
• 22:38
  Samantha Pruitt: But you know, I'm friendly enough.
• 22:40
  Samantha Pruitt: But then somebody will immediately be like, Can you believe you just start with first of all?
• 22:46
  Samantha Pruitt: I'm a stranger.
• 22:47
  Samantha Pruitt: And I said good morning or how are you today, or whatever the thing is that I said, you know what I mean?
• 22:53
  Samantha Pruitt: And then there they go.
• 22:54
  Samantha Pruitt: There they go.
• 22:55
  Samantha Pruitt: Problem one is what you need to do is not engage with it.
• 22:59
  Samantha Pruitt: I'll be taking my pint of ice cream to the other line now.
• 23:03
  Samantha Pruitt: Oh, yeah.
• 23:04
  Samantha Pruitt: And I might just start eating in a line.
• 23:07
  Polly Mertens: Nice knowing you for those 30 seconds.
• 23:09
  Polly Mertens: Bye.
• 23:10
  Polly Mertens: Bye.
• 23:11
  Samantha Pruitt: Nobody wants to live with that people.
• 23:13
  Polly Mertens: All right.
• 23:13
  Polly Mertens: So the last one is a sure sign you're stuck in a story.
• 23:16
  Polly Mertens: Keep finding yourself thinking, or you hear this for other people.
• 23:19
  Polly Mertens: Why does this always happen to me?
• 23:21
  Polly Mertens: Why is this happening to me?
• 23:22
  Polly Mertens: Why is this happening to me again?
• 23:24
  Polly Mertens: Because you are special.
• 23:25
  Polly Mertens: Okay.
• 23:26
  Polly Mertens: That's why.
• 23:27
  Polly Mertens: Nobody else has a hard life but you.
• 23:29
  Polly Mertens: Nobody has problems or suffering.
• 23:30
  Polly Mertens: You're talking fun.
• 23:31
  Polly Mertens: It's it's all on you.
• 23:32
  Polly Mertens: You're in the you've got the dark cloud over you, and nobody else has rainy days.
• 23:36
  Polly Mertens: Nope.
• 23:38
  Samantha Pruitt: Totally.
• 23:39
  Polly Mertens: For sure.
• 23:39
  Polly Mertens: No, sorry.
• 23:40
  Polly Mertens: We're we're chuckling.
• 23:41
  Polly Mertens: We're trying to make light.
• 23:42
  Samantha Pruitt: You have to make light of it because it's so cray great.
• 23:44
  Samantha Pruitt: And we've all done it.
• 23:45
  Samantha Pruitt: Let's give them some solutions, though, shall we?
• 23:48
  Polly Mertens: All right.
• 23:49
  Polly Mertens: Well, I was gonna say, like, uh, why is it so hard to let go of the story, right?
• 23:53
  Polly Mertens: Or we could just jump into like solving it, right?
• 23:57
  Samantha Pruitt: I mean, the bottom line why it's so hard is because it's become part of their identity.
• 24:00
  Samantha Pruitt: It's like a deeply ingrained neuropathway through your body, through your nervous system, into your brain, right?
• 24:09
  Samantha Pruitt: It's like they're a millisecond is from the thing to the response to the thing, whether it's the story or the actual response, you know, because some people will just respond, like they'll have a physical reaction, right?
• 24:22
  Samantha Pruitt: A millisecond, like that groove is so deep, they've just really taken it on and owned it, and it has to be, you know, erased, basically.
• 24:33
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, it's a familiar pattern, like you said, that creates identity, right?
• 24:37
  Polly Mertens: And and you know, some people, you know, we might not see it wouldn't say like I'm not a victim, right?
• 24:43
  Polly Mertens: Or I'm not a martyr, but you know, just recognizing what it's creating for you in your life, right?
• 24:50
  Polly Mertens: Like, do you want to keep feeling that way?
• 24:52
  Polly Mertens: Or you are you ready to break out of that, you know?
• 24:56
  Polly Mertens: And like I love that part about like sometimes it's not wanting to take responsibility for your life or yourself or whatever.
• 25:02
  Polly Mertens: And that can be hard.
• 25:03
  Polly Mertens: That's adulting, like you said.
• 25:04
  Polly Mertens: It's like adulting is hard.
• 25:06
  Polly Mertens: It's like, damn, I did this, I did, you know, like seeing the triggers, the ultimate cause of what's showing up in your life, you know.
• 25:13
  Polly Mertens: Three months ago I did that, and that's that's why this isn't, you know, this is breaking down now because I didn't take responsibility then or then or then.
• 25:21
  Polly Mertens: So it's hard.
• 25:22
  Polly Mertens: But so how do we help ourselves and others move forward?
• 25:25
  Polly Mertens: Let's get to those solutions, solutions.
• 25:29
  Samantha Pruitt: Besides kicking some ass.
• 25:30
  Samantha Pruitt: Okay, let's go.
• 25:32
  Polly Mertens: Blocking.
• 25:32
  Polly Mertens: So, and and you know what?
• 25:36
  Polly Mertens: That's totally valid too.
• 25:37
  Polly Mertens: That we'll get to that one.
• 25:38
  Polly Mertens: But five practical approaches.
• 25:40
  Polly Mertens: Here we go.
• 25:41
  Polly Mertens: Number one, awareness.
• 25:45
  Samantha Pruitt: Number one, awareness.
• 25:46
  Samantha Pruitt: Like, this is the pause I'm talking about.
• 25:48
  Samantha Pruitt: Like, oh, huh.
• 25:50
  Samantha Pruitt: I noticed something within me that just changed.
• 25:54
  Samantha Pruitt: You can feel it before you've even responded or opened your mouth or anything.
• 25:59
  Samantha Pruitt: Like, again, it's having an awareness about you know how your body and nervous system work, how your brain works, how you feel, just being aware, being awake and being aware.
• 26:10
  Samantha Pruitt: And then that very next step is the pause, right?
• 26:13
  Samantha Pruitt: Take a breath.
• 26:15
  Polly Mertens: Noticing that repeating, you know, narrative, you know, whether it's asking yourself, why does this always happen, or why don't they appreciate me, or you know, whatever.
• 26:25
  Polly Mertens: Not not willing to continue to live in that low state, if you will, is what I would say.
• 26:31
  Samantha Pruitt: So being more sometimes you notice afterwards, I should say, because I was, you know, being a little aggressive, like you need to preempt before the thing happens.
• 26:38
  Samantha Pruitt: But sometimes we still fall prey to this, right?
• 26:42
  Samantha Pruitt: So, like we'll have a reaction, a circumstance, whatever, we have that guttural instinctual old pattern and story, and so we react a certain way.
• 26:52
  Samantha Pruitt: And then afterwards we'll be like, what the hell just happened?
• 26:56
  Samantha Pruitt: It's almost like someone else took over your body for a minute, you know, like a poltergeist moment.
• 27:01
  Samantha Pruitt: And you are like, Whoa, did I actually react that way?
• 27:05
  Samantha Pruitt: Did I say that to that person, or did I act that way?
• 27:09
  Samantha Pruitt: Hold up, you know.
• 27:11
  Samantha Pruitt: So calling myself on it, if you will, again, that's awareness after the fact, which is still fine.
• 27:17
  Samantha Pruitt: That's still growth in progress, people.
• 27:19
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, yeah.
• 27:20
  Polly Mertens: Taking responsibility, like, oh, I noticed that I was doing that.
• 27:22
  Polly Mertens: And sometimes you got to get far enough away to it, away from it to see it.
• 27:25
  Polly Mertens: Like, I have a girlfriend who years ago, you know, I'd have these low moments, and she called, she said, Well, you gotta give yourself pity parties sometimes.
• 27:33
  Polly Mertens: You know, she's like, It's okay to have a pity party.
• 27:35
  Polly Mertens: She's like, just make them like two minutes, not two days.
• 27:38
  Polly Mertens: I was like, that's fucking brilliant, you know.
• 27:41
  Polly Mertens: Little pity party.
• 27:42
  Polly Mertens: It's like, okay, like have their pity party, put your big girl pants on and and let's go, right?
• 27:47
  Polly Mertens: So next one, so number two on our five practical approaches, shift the question instead of why is this happening to me, or why don't they appreciate me, or doesn't anyone see how much I do, or whatever it is, right?
• 28:00
  Polly Mertens: Like, what can I do?
• 28:01
  Polly Mertens: Like, that's where you were talking about, like, problem fucking solve.
• 28:03
  Polly Mertens: Like, okay, like my favorite is okay, that's what's so.
• 28:07
  Polly Mertens: So what?
• 28:08
  Polly Mertens: So what now?
• 28:10
  Polly Mertens: Right?
• 28:11
  Polly Mertens: Like, like suit up and show up.
• 28:13
  Polly Mertens: Like, all right, what are you gonna do?
• 28:14
  Polly Mertens: Right?
• 28:15
  Samantha Pruitt: And and you might not have the answer, but many times you have available resources to you of other people who would want to be part of the solution and want to come support you if you weren't doing the victim martyr vibe, right?
• 28:31
  Samantha Pruitt: You were just like, damn, this thing just happened.
• 28:34
  Samantha Pruitt: Holy hell, I'm kind of shocked.
• 28:37
  Samantha Pruitt: I don't know what to do next.
• 28:39
  Samantha Pruitt: And then other people, genuinely, if you surround yourself with quality people, will be like, oh my gosh, compassion, and then let me help you problem solve.
• 28:48
  Samantha Pruitt: So you're open to that then, you know.
• 28:50
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, so I think like really closely tied those first two.
• 28:53
  Polly Mertens: So the awareness and then shifting the question, right?
• 28:56
  Polly Mertens: So if the automatic default question that you've had running, or your person, friend, whatever it sounds like, why does this keep happening, or what you know, you know, the the woe was me, right?
• 29:06
  Polly Mertens: Shift the question or at least detach from it, right?
• 29:10
  Polly Mertens: Like at least try and create some space from that narrative and that story.
• 29:14
  Polly Mertens: And then number three is separate facts from interpretation.
• 29:19
  Polly Mertens: So what actually happened versus the meaning that I've assigned to it.
• 29:23
  Polly Mertens: My mind created some meaning here, right?
• 29:25
  Polly Mertens: And so that's where that one question for me just really makes it clear.
• 29:29
  Polly Mertens: It's like, okay, so that's what happened.
• 29:31
  Polly Mertens: So, so what's so, okay, so what?
• 29:33
  Polly Mertens: So what?
• 29:34
  Polly Mertens: So what am I gonna make it mean?
• 29:35
  Polly Mertens: What am I gonna do?
• 29:36
  Polly Mertens: What are my options?
• 29:38
  Polly Mertens: So, so what, right?
• 29:40
  Polly Mertens: Like what we want to recognize is whatever happens or happened, like if it's been a long-going, you know, stack thing that this victim has been, you know, stacking, or if it's just the moment, it's like that's that moment in time, and now we're in the new moment.
• 29:55
  Polly Mertens: Now you get to create, like now is happening now.
• 29:58
  Polly Mertens: That happened then, this is now, and creating that space.
• 30:02
  Polly Mertens: It's like, you know, and sometimes maybe you need to grieve, you know, like that little two-minute pity party.
• 30:06
  Polly Mertens: It's like, oh, that freaking sucked, and they didn't appreciate me.
• 30:09
  Polly Mertens: It's like, all right, you know, you're gonna stand around and wait for them and appreciate you, you know, or maybe change in the future, right?
• 30:17
  Polly Mertens: Learn that like overgiving or doing that people pleasing or you know, old ways of being like, Hey, you're not getting the reward that you used to for that.
• 30:28
  Samantha Pruitt: And when we say what actually happened, and be truthful and honest about that, we are talking about not reliving the whole thing from front to end, attached to your emotional turmoil and suffering.
• 30:41
  Samantha Pruitt: Okay.
• 30:42
  Polly Mertens: Creating more suffering.
• 30:43
  Samantha Pruitt: Exactly.
• 30:44
  Samantha Pruitt: Now we're on the third and fourth arrow, right?
• 30:46
  Samantha Pruitt: Now we just keep shooting the damn arrows.
• 30:47
  Samantha Pruitt: We're talking about like, hey, what are the specific truths of what transpired without the emotional attachment in the story?
• 30:57
  Samantha Pruitt: So so-and-so didn't respond to me in a timely fashion when I sent that email, or this family member didn't show up to help, you know, at the holidays and you know, clean the kitchen or whatever, whatever, what are the actual facts without all the drama?
• 31:15
  Samantha Pruitt: It's very difficult for people to do this part.
• 31:18
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, uh, because people like drama, right?
• 31:21
  Samantha Pruitt: But that doesn't serve you in any way, yeah.
• 31:25
  Polly Mertens: And I think people aren't practiced in noticing just what's so because the mind is such a good narrator, it's such a good storyteller, it's such a meaning maker that interrupting that pattern and just looking at what's so, it's like I don't know if you've ever been in a court case or uh I know you have talking to our unfortunately, yeah, like a court case or around a judge or two attorneys or whatever.
• 31:53
  Polly Mertens: Like the way that they strip away the drama, the whatever it's like facts in, that's all that gets on the record, people, right?
• 32:06
  Polly Mertens: Like that's the level we're talking about is like objectively, not subjectively, but objectively.
• 32:11
  Polly Mertens: What happened here?
• 32:13
  Polly Mertens: A phone call didn't happen.
• 32:14
  Polly Mertens: Uh, and an email came in with some loud words, right?
• 32:18
  Polly Mertens: Or so-and-so said what they said.
• 32:21
  Samantha Pruitt: Yep, they did the judge calls it, or the attorney and the judge calls it hearsay.
• 32:26
  Samantha Pruitt: If there wasn't a witness, and uh like all of the other things that we manufacture about the story we're trying to tell, you know, is hearsay people.
• 32:36
  Samantha Pruitt: That's what they call it.
• 32:37
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, or you say.
• 32:39
  Samantha Pruitt: Hearsay, you say.
• 32:40
  Polly Mertens: You know, mind my mind say.
• 32:42
  Polly Mertens: We've hit upon this, but focus on what you can control without blaming yourself for what you couldn't.
• 32:54
  Polly Mertens: I said this line to a client here recently.
• 32:58
  Polly Mertens: I was like, okay, let's remember the serenity prayer.
• 33:02
  Polly Mertens: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can change and the courage, you know, the wisdom to know the different, you know.
• 33:09
  Polly Mertens: Sorry, I'm not gonna read people whole thing, but you know what I mean.
• 33:11
  Polly Mertens: Like this rainy, do it.
• 33:12
  Polly Mertens: Do I need to say it?
• 33:13
  Samantha Pruitt: I'm familiar with it.
• 33:14
  Samantha Pruitt: Okay, yeah, I think most people are, but if not, Google it.
• 33:18
  Samantha Pruitt: Maybe get a tattoo.
• 33:19
  Samantha Pruitt: I don't know.
• 33:20
  Samantha Pruitt: You could just recite it daily.
• 33:22
  Polly Mertens: Beautiful practice.
• 33:23
  Polly Mertens: I think it comes from tri uh the triple A or the AA.
• 33:26
  Samantha Pruitt: It is an AA, yeah.
• 33:28
  Polly Mertens: Yeah, it's like grant me this rainy, except the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference, right?
• 33:34
  Polly Mertens: And the wisdom to know the difference.
• 33:37
  Polly Mertens: And that's what we're talking about here.
• 33:39
  Polly Mertens: Because if you could change it, change it.
• 33:42
  Polly Mertens: If you can't, let it go, right?
• 33:44
  Polly Mertens: That's what it's about.
• 33:45
  Polly Mertens: So number five, and this is a lot for our friends that were experiencing around us that are you know stuck in victim or martyr, is like set compassionate boundaries.
• 33:57
  Polly Mertens: I love the word compassionate boundaries, right?
• 34:00
  Polly Mertens: Because we care about these people.
• 34:01
  Polly Mertens: Support support others without continually rescuing them.
• 34:05
  Polly Mertens: Right?
• 34:07
  Polly Mertens: Because some of them don't want to be rescued.
• 34:11
  Samantha Pruitt: No, a lot of them don't.
• 34:13
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, they're having a gay old time over there.
• 34:15
  Samantha Pruitt: Let them have a gay old time over there, but you don't need to be part of that.
• 34:20
  Samantha Pruitt: So the when you say support them, that's tricky because sometimes you can't support them.
• 34:26
  Samantha Pruitt: There really isn't anything that you can do to contribute to helping them, you know, with with the circumstance, whatever the suffering might be, because they are determined to stay in it.
• 34:38
  Samantha Pruitt: So just having an awareness and then just setting your own boundaries.
• 34:42
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 34:42
  Polly Mertens: And so I would say here, so you cannot force someone to leave their identity, right?
• 34:48
  Polly Mertens: Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stop participating in the pattern with them.
• 34:52
  Polly Mertens: Totally.
• 34:52
  Polly Mertens: Now, or you know, I hope you figure that out, you know, or I mean if you want to solve that problem.
• 35:02
  Samantha Pruitt: Right.
• 35:02
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah.
• 35:02
  Samantha Pruitt: In parenting, they call it like tough love and things like that.
• 35:04
  Samantha Pruitt: You know, it's like, yeah, of course, you love this person, you care about this person, but you cannot no longer be part of carrying their torch of suffering forward with them.
• 35:16
  Polly Mertens: I just got an idea when we were saying that is like, and I could I could see using this with some people is like, well, let me know when you want to work on solving that.
• 35:23
  Polly Mertens: And until then, like, I don't want to hear it, you know, or like let's come back to this when you're ready to solve it and we'll work on some solutions.
• 35:31
  Samantha Pruitt: Totally.
• 35:32
  Polly Mertens: And then we're all in.
• 35:33
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah.
• 35:35
  Polly Mertens: Let's go.
• 35:35
  Polly Mertens: Let's let's stop getting in that rut.
• 35:37
  Polly Mertens: Let's stop getting in that pattern.
• 35:39
  Polly Mertens: So that's what we got.
• 35:41
  Polly Mertens: So, yeah, anything else to add about these beautiful people in our lives who we just care for.
• 35:50
  Samantha Pruitt: And no, it's it's hard to watch people suffer.
• 35:53
  Samantha Pruitt: I think that's if you're not the actual victim martyr, I'm not saying that I've never been that person.
• 35:58
  Samantha Pruitt: Of course I have.
• 35:59
  Samantha Pruitt: But at this point in my life, I just am pretty good about understanding my own story and how I get triggered and things like that, right?
• 36:07
  Samantha Pruitt: But being around people who are so deep in it and wanting to be compassionate and be of service, that's just who we are in the world, right?
• 36:17
  Samantha Pruitt: And most people are that way.
• 36:19
  Samantha Pruitt: They they want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.
• 36:23
  Samantha Pruitt: But being in it and being around it can be very difficult, you know, because it's so exhausting.
• 36:29
  Samantha Pruitt: You have to be really good with understanding what's happening when it's happening and creating space for yourself too, not to continue to engage with it.
• 36:41
  Samantha Pruitt: You know, it's it is like pouring gasoline.
• 36:43
  Samantha Pruitt: You know, if you keep coming to the rescue or keep like backing up their story or helping them, you know, crank up their story and let it go on and on and on, you're you're not really being of service to them, you know, it's not healthy for you or them.
• 36:59
  Polly Mertens: And there is a shift, you know.
• 37:00
  Polly Mertens: I remember our friend Jen, she sent me a book, and I'm trying to remember it as you were talking, and it called it talks about this drama triangle, you know.
• 37:08
  Polly Mertens: And I'm gonna I'll just introduce that title topic here, and I would love for you guys to go Google that.
• 37:13
  Polly Mertens: Stephen Carpman wrote a book, and so the drama triangle is his framework talks about the victim, rescuer, and persecutor.
• 37:21
  Polly Mertens: The victim is I'm powerless, you know, some like I'm the one being victimized, whatever.
• 37:26
  Polly Mertens: Rescuers, I need to save you, right?
• 37:27
  Polly Mertens: So that if there's two people in the third one is the persecutor, it's your fault, right?
• 37:31
  Polly Mertens: And so there's a shift that can take place, and I I forget how he describes it, but it re-empowers, it's like the when the rescuer becomes more like a coach or facilitator, and instead of like, here, let me save you, you know, like coming in, and or just like, woe is you, you know, like the people that get reward or love because they're sick all the time or something like that.
• 37:53
  Polly Mertens: Like they just, you know, if we stop, you know, becoming not just their rescuer, but the comforter or whatever.
• 37:58
  Polly Mertens: Instead, we see them differently.
• 38:00
  Polly Mertens: We can empower re-empower them to shift out of that victim mode.
• 38:05
  Polly Mertens: It's a great book, it's a great little dynamic.
• 38:07
  Polly Mertens: I I wish I was more prepared to talk to it and what those shifts are, but that I would just highly recommend the drama triangle.
• 38:13
  Polly Mertens: If you've got people in your life that you keep feeling like you're the rescuer or you're the one going, it's your fault, stop, suck it up, right?
• 38:18
  Polly Mertens: You know, that's got some great other insights.
• 38:22
  Polly Mertens: But I hope you've all gotten something out of this, you know, like a drama triangle.
• 38:25
  Samantha Pruitt: Yeah, because it's not helpful either to want the person to suffer, like, you know, yeah, your life's a shit show, you created it, live with it.
• 38:33
  Samantha Pruitt: Ah, you know, like how is that helpful?
• 38:36
  Polly Mertens: We all have our you know, drama.
• 38:38
  Samantha Pruitt: Exactly.
• 38:40
  Polly Mertens: Like, I'm you know, I have really come to realize no matter how wonderful someone's life looks like on the outside, or how little they show, you know, the you know, the glass from the outside, the glass looks perfect, or whatever.
• 38:53
  Polly Mertens: It's like, you know what?
• 38:55
  Polly Mertens: There is no one on this planet who isn't doing there's something they're going they're going through, no matter how much money or beauty or success or relationship or love or people or whatever.
• 39:06
  Polly Mertens: Like life is earth school, and whatever classroom they're in, that's what they're learning.
• 39:13
  Polly Mertens: It may not look exactly like yours, but you know, that thing about like when you see people in the world walking down the street, have compassion for them because they're fighting a good fight, right?
• 39:21
  Samantha Pruitt: Like we all exactly, exactly.
• 39:24
  Samantha Pruitt: Everybody is, everybody is.
• 39:27
  Polly Mertens: There's there's sunny days and there's rocky days, and so help those people out.
• 39:32
  Polly Mertens: But stop being the rescuer, create some compassionate boundaries.
• 39:35
  Polly Mertens: Those are some like two big takeaways I would have personally.
• 39:38
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 39:39
  Samantha Pruitt: Anything else that you want to and have awareness for your triggers and your story, you know, like spend time understanding yourself.
• 39:48
  Samantha Pruitt: I was having a convo with someone recently about my backpacking trip on the Jamir Trail, right?
• 39:53
  Samantha Pruitt: And spending all that time alone, and they were just so perplexed.
• 39:58
  Samantha Pruitt: Well, many people are, they're not alone in that, right?
• 40:02
  Samantha Pruitt: But like, what would go on in my brain being alone for that amount of time?
• 40:08
  Samantha Pruitt: And I just pointed out you don't have to do anything like that, obviously.
• 40:13
  Samantha Pruitt: But we've just as a society gotten so out of allowing downtime, quiet time, boredom away from the phone, away from the computer, away from the noise, away from people, to allow ourselves just space to listen to ourselves, to get to know ourselves.
• 40:32
  Samantha Pruitt: It's literally the most important job we have.
• 40:35
  Samantha Pruitt: Me understanding me and all of my crazy nuances.
• 40:41
  Samantha Pruitt: You know, how does my body work?
• 40:43
  Samantha Pruitt: How does my brain work?
• 40:43
  Samantha Pruitt: What makes me feel good?
• 40:45
  Samantha Pruitt: What are my traumas and triggers?
• 40:47
  Samantha Pruitt: Like, what is my story that no longer serves me that I'd like to get rid of?
• 40:51
  Samantha Pruitt: Like, if you don't carve out time and space to do that work, you're on a runaway training until the end of your life.
• 41:02
  Samantha Pruitt: And then it's gonna be too damn late.
• 41:06
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 41:06
  Samantha Pruitt: So I just want to encourage people to get busy spending that time and doing that.
• 41:10
  Samantha Pruitt: So when these things occur, they have the skill set and the understanding of themselves to do the pause, to reflect, to breathe, and to take a moment, or to afterwards say, that's not what I who I want to be in this relationship or anymore.
• 41:28
  Samantha Pruitt: I don't want to behave like that.
• 41:29
  Samantha Pruitt: I am going to do this differently.
• 41:31
  Samantha Pruitt: So good.
• 41:33
  Polly Mertens: So good.
• 41:33
  Polly Mertens: I love that.
• 41:34
  Polly Mertens: That's a beautiful, that's a beautiful closing, aside from the one that we always close with.
• 41:38
  Polly Mertens: So good to see you, my dear.
• 41:40
  Polly Mertens: How about we uh You too?
• 41:42
  Polly Mertens: Why don't we uh tell our beautiful humans what we always share with them?
• 41:46
  Samantha Pruitt: How your messy, no life looks.
• 41:49
  Samantha Pruitt: Oh, yeah.
• 41:50
  Samantha Pruitt: How you're soft, how you're beautiful life looks is not as important as how it feels.
• 41:56
  Polly Mertens: Yeah.
• 41:56
  Polly Mertens: Every day is your opportunity to find your awesome.
• 41:59
  Samantha Pruitt: See you next week.