Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / Community Guest: Thaylis

Transcript

Community Guest: Thaylis · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over:
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:02
  Speaker 3: Hi, can you hear me okay?
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: Yes, I can. Oh, we finally did it! I'm not in! It's happening. It's happening.
• 1:13
  Yay! I'm excited.
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: Yay! I'm glad you're excited. I'm super happy to have you here. Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself and tell about where you are just so that listeners can orient to the sound of your voice a little bit. Those in the community will be more familiar with you, but that way they can orient a little.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: Okay. So my name is Taillist. It's an unusual name, and I'm from Brazil. What else? We have many people around here.
• 1:47
  And let me see. I know about night or hour of DID since last October, I think. And I don't know. We've been calm. I I so sorry.
• 2:05
  I'm a bit nervous, sometimes my English is not gonna work that well. But I think that's it. You can feel free to ask me anything. I'm married. I live in Brazil.
• 2:16
  And I don't know many people with the idea outside our community.
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: Are you you're a teacher, right?
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: Yes, I am. I actually, I studied to be a chemistry teacher, but life happened. I mean, I teach, I taught teenagers. I taught chemistry for a while, but now I teach younger kids. I teach them English in bilingual classes.
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: There are some ways that teenagers and preschoolers are not very different. I just want to say, as a parent, sometimes it is like I have six kids all the same age as opposed to three triplets who are teenagers.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, can see the resemblance.
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: So you just got your diagnosis last October. Did you get a diagnosis or you figured it out yourself or what happened that's not intrusive obviously but what you're comfortable sharing?
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, no problem. My story, I think it's a bit uncommon. So I teach but I love to write too. And like three years ago, I decided to write a book, not to share with other people, but to deal with my own traumas traumas, the ones that I need that I knew I had. Right?
• 3:44
  I thought it was of them. It wasn't. But anyways and then when I went to a class, a writing class, and started to write this story and and think about it it and how I would deal with it because I didn't want to write my own story, but use my memories to create another universe and write about them. But then, okay. And then I was writing the story, and my mentor, she told me that I needed a stronger antagonist.
• 4:22
  And I because if you have If you want a good protagonist, you need a better antagonist because the antagonist is going to show how much the protagonist is going to grow. Is it making sense? -Yes. -So, okay. And then I was having a hard time to think about it because although the story wasn't mine, it was inspired in my life.
• 4:48
  And back then, I thought that the biggest antagonist in my life was myself. And I was talking to my mentor about this, and she was like, Oh, why don't you research something up, something about mental how do you say English? Like, mental health things, you know? Yes. Maybe you can find something that could could show that the antagonist is yourself, but in a different way.
• 5:21
  And then I started to Google all the stuff she had told me about bipolar or some other disorders. Disorders was the word I was looking for. And and then I I started to read about DID. And I watched a lot of YouTubers and researched a lot of, like, official studies. But then something happened, and my friend that told me that I shouldn't keep writing this and researching this.
• 5:52
  So I shut down. I had depression and, like, depression, harder episodes. And then, like, there were two years without thinking about the book, just putting my life back together. And then I decided to write again and finish my story. That being said, I went back to the course with the same mentor because she was really good.
• 6:19
  And I decided to organize, and everything chapter by chapter was organized. I knew how every single detail of the story would happen. But something was bothering me because I thought, like, the big revelation would be that the protagonist has DID. But I, of course, I researched that a lot. I learned about how DID is mis treated, right, in many places.
• 6:47
  So I wanted to do a good job. And I researched and I But something was bothering me because in the first chapters, I wanted something to when people knew the big revelation, they would think, Oh, that's why that happened before. And then I was talking about my mentor about this, and she asked me, Okay, so what do you think would show? What would be the signs, the small signs? And then I had like the the light bulb in my mind, you know, like, oh, it would be this, this, and that.
• 7:26
  And that's exactly what happens with me and what happened in my childhood and in my teenage years. And I was like, do I have DID? And, you know, all these doubts. And then the pressure, you know, the pressure be between the eyes, they started to happen, like waves of pressure between my eyes. Sometimes when I was thinking about JJ, I was like, is there someone inside?
• 7:59
  How what is happening? But, of course, I thought, no, I'm just researching a lot, thinking about the idea because I'm writing, and this is all my creativity side playing and, you know, don't care of it with me. But then, I asked one of the signs for my the main character would be that the girl would have many bruises growing up, and she didn't know why. And I had this, right? So I talked kind of in a leap of faith, talked with someone inside that I didn't know existed.
• 8:43
  I was like, Are you real? If you are real, please, please show me somehow. And this was in one night. I woke up with, like, this huge bruise behind my knee. Enormous, but really, really big.
• 9:01
  And I was like, okay. I think I got the sign. And then I started to listen to the podcast, to to system speak, and to research for other therapies, too, because I was in therapy back then. But the system didn't trust our therapists to show themselves. So I I learned that for DIDs for some people with DID, EMDR works well.
• 9:34
  So I start to research about this and schedule an appointment. And and right from the start, I talk to my, my therapist now, if she had experience with dissociation. And, Okay, and then I was listening to the first, the first episode of the podcast when Jean Marc speaks, the first one that you can hear him. And I believe I believe, no, I know that my reaction to listening to Jean Marc was what made the system be sure that I was safe for the kids inside and for, like, I wouldn't be I was ready to learn about the others. So this was like the, the moment that changed everything, and then the other part started to show therapy.
• 10:38
  And now, I believe, like, I started therapy with this person in October. And then in November, the first part started to, to appear to hurt you. And now my internal communication is really good, and we're growing together.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: That's so much that's unfolded for you. And it's interesting that you talked about writing because we also write obviously and the husband is a writer. And one thing that people may not understand about the writing process is you can't just sit down and type like you have to track all these And so when the husband is writing a show or when we're writing a book or the workbook, there are like note cards all over the wall trying to make sure that everything is consistent and making sense and connected and like you said that if you refer to something then it comes up that way or reveals or whatever and it's really a lot of work and that's really hard with DID and so I struggled the same way like I would wake up and there were note cards that I didn't remember putting up there or there would be some I thought were there that now suddenly were missing or I would send chapters to my reviewers or people writing with me. I would send chapters and then they would be like, oh, I really love that new chapter and I'm like, I don't know where that came from.
• 12:10
  Or things that if something like if some there were a couple things that we really felt were important to share but younger parts or certain parts were like, that one is too much. Even though this is a lot, that's too much. But you can't just delete a chapter. You have to then go backtrack and pull out all the pieces that led up to that chapter. Yeah.
• 12:34
  And it's so much work and DID really made that complicated.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: Sure. Yeah. I understand you. I mean, I have I'm cococious most of the time, so the these beats are not as hard for me, but I get I get it.
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: How did you how did you do that, develop this co consciousness that you have?
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: I have no idea. I mean, it was always like I know that like this. I know there are some moments in my life that I had these gaps. Like, I remember when I was in third grade, fourth, fourth grade, and I had this huge homework, like a presentation for the whole school. And I remember getting super excited because the teacher chose me.
• 13:31
  And the next thing I remember, it was the presentation day, and I I didn't know anything. So this is the only moment that I don't remember happening for, like, days of not remembering. But since day one in therapy, like, not day one. But when the teams started to show, I was together. And all the time is like this.
• 13:59
  Until now, I haven't had a time with my therapist that I wasn't together. So it's just how the system works.
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: It's interesting how every system is so unique and works their own way. And also how it's different for everyone inside too even. Know that we sort of have a not a core self, but like a core group in well, it feels like we have several groups. And one of those groups, call them circles. I know we've talked about the circle notebook on the podcast before but we call them circles.
• 14:38
  There's one circle that kind of always knew about each other and have no problem communicating or meeting or doing whatever they do, whatever they do.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: I don't know. But then I know but they do.
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: Right and then there's others of us that are like still learning about the diagnosis are embarrassed by the podcast or struggling with holding presence for them and I think sometimes trauma disrupts this. I know that we had a really experience for the pandemic and changing therapists and all of that happening at the same time. So we had a lot of regression as far as not forgetting that we had DID, but, less access to each other and less access to support externally, why we could not connect with others, which seemed to, for us, make those walls go up a little bit. So it's interesting now to have a conversation with you hearing about co consciousness and and that kind of access with each other where for me that feels like a faint memory where we almost got to that space and then kind of
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: But not really. Uh-huh.
• 15:53
  Speaker 3: It's like we were on a path and we were almost there and then tripped and fell down a cliff and now I have to crawl back up to get back on the path. I'm not Yeah. So what is that like for you? Having access to each other or being able to communicate like that?
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: Okay. So I don't have access to everyone, but the ones that are out, I'm usually together.
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: Wait. Say that again. Say that again and explain that part to me.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: Okay. So we are over 30 inside. And in our I can see very clearly how our internal work is. So I know not all the systems have this or know about this, but our system has a well developed internal work. It started with me seeing the, the control room, you know, like, in inside out.
• 16:57
  So I could see just that part with the other parts that I could communicate well.
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: Oh, like in the cartoon inside out?
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: Yes. Yes. Yes. Inside out. Yes.
• 17:08
  So, you know, when you have anger and sadness and I I could see something similar to this. Like, the structure is different, but it's the same idea. And that was the first thing that I saw. I thought it was this was the only thing that I that I thought had existed, existed inside. Then I started to get to know the children, and I learned they had a bedroom to themselves.
• 17:38
  But it was too many kids now, so they needed a bigger room. And then I made a bigger room for them and started to get to know the main house. Let's let's say like this. So I thought it was just the main house. Then I learned there were forests, and I created a, like, a park for, for to get to know other, other parts in the beginning.
• 18:10
  And that was what I knew for months. So I thought I all the parts that were in this part of my internal world, our internal world, those are were the ones that I could that I knew about, but I didn't talk with them all the time because life happens when I'm fronting. And just the part that are in the the control room, I can't listen. Right? So when they go really close to my eyes, then I can hear them very clearly, and they could take control of the view.
• 18:54
  You know, like, if they want, they could use the body too. But we share. And then I put in the back a huge sofa for the kids because they couldn't stay close too close because I was afraid they would leave protein, and I didn't know how to go back. So I put this big sofa and crayons and stuff like that for them, if they wanted to see what was happening, but then in a safe place. That that was what I knew.
• 19:29
  And all the time when I'm fronting and I keep I'm confronting, I'm there in the in the control room. But then, recently, I learned about the underground of our internal world. So parts that were considered too dangerous for the system, they live underground. They are I don't know how you say this in English, but like three floors. Can you say floors when it's underground?
• 20:03
  -Yes. -I'm not sure. Yeah. Okay. Thank you.
• 20:06
  So there are three floors, and the the deepest you go, the more dangerous for the system these parts are. And then I started to learn about this. And there's, there's an island. I'm not, I'm not gonna share how you get to this island, but it's like the most dangerous people, they stay there. People know parts because you have all kinds of parts, right?
• 20:40
  Animals and angels and mace. So we have these three underfloors in the island, these parts, they are never concoctions with me. Just in therapy, sometimes they started to appear now to, to, to my therapist. It's something very recent, and it's been a good struggle, let's say this. But So these parts that are underground, they don't know what is happening in the outside world.
• 21:19
  So my communication with them is different. And I can't communicate just like I wanna talk with someone. It's not how it works. My brain shows me pictures or feelings or And at the beginning, they are not clear at all. But there's one part inside one of our protectors, the main protector.
• 21:42
  She likes to run. And when I'm running or we are running, there's bilateral movement, you know? So it helps the brain to re to process what is happening. So usually, when I'm running, I can see the flashes of this underground part of our internal world. And then things start to happen, and we talk about it in therapy.
• 22:10
  Speaker 3: That's so much work you have already done.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: Yes. Is it? Sometimes I I don't believe it's it's real, but I know it is.
• 22:20
  Speaker 3: What is it like for you when you lose time?
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: Usually, it's just hours, not more than this. And it's like, oh, I'm here, and then what happened? But sometimes I'm just I'm not 100% off the, the control room. So when I, I lose track of time, I usually go really back in the control room, and I can kind of see what is happening. But, like, it's really far away, almost like a dream.
• 23:06
  And suddenly, I I'm here, and it's 05:00, and I didn't know what I had to do. So But it's being less happening less times, is it correctly? I don't know. But it's it's not happening that much since I began therapy with this new therapist.
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: It's interesting that so many of us have this experience of when we're not out front, that we're falling back or going back or some bit backwards movement that there's this sensation that goes with it. That's so common. How did your therapist respond when you asked her
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: I kind of knew my therapist, but not that, not as a, as a therapist. So nine years ago, we worked at the same school, different areas. So we kind of saw each other in the teachers' land or something like that. She was the school counselor. But so I knew her from then.
• 24:30
  And then two years, two years before I started therapy, so two and a half years ago, I was her son's teacher. It Oh, no. It was actually 2020. So 2020, I was her son's teacher. Then I moved to school, so I was not working in that school anymore.
• 24:53
  And I, I thought it was safe to go and talk to her. And then I texted her. She knew who I, who I was. I was like, Oh, you have experience, like, not only in, like, studying theory, but actually treating and dealing with people with dissociation. I didn't say the idea, right?
• 25:18
  But I was like, with dissociation episodes. And she was like, yes. And then she explained me her, the things that she studied and some things, right? And I decided to try. But the thing was, she did not have, in her schedule, like her week schedule, she wouldn't have time to one more client.
• 25:49
  But since I asked her about, specifically about, the association, she kind of opened a space for me. And then the first thing that we talked about when we started is a Zoom, Zoom therapy, right? So, like, okay, so I have to ask you, how do you know about this association? Because I work with many therapists that have never heard of this term. And then I started talking to her about my book, right?
• 26:20
  It's the easiest way to bring the subject. And then I told her about my ex episodes, and she didn't have any doubts right from the beginning. So, okay, so let's let's start. So she was very it was a really good and safe response. I felt very safe right from the beginning with her.
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: What has, again, without being too intrusive, what has EMDR been like for you? Could you describe what that is like for someone who hasn't had it yet?
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So, we have this this way of creating, let me find the words. So we use eye movement or touching to to reproduce, right, what the brain does when it's dealing with, processing memories. So we do this when you are awake and aware of everything that is happening so you can reprocess your memories, so they won't be traumas anymore. Like, they would be traumatic but not holding you.
• 27:38
  And before we start going through the memories, we start re like, resetting kind of It's not the right word, but everyone has the four, the four ways of, protection, right? You flee, you fly, you Sorry, I don't know them in English. But you have this, Just a second. Dissociation a little bit. Okay.
• 28:18
  So, I'm sorry, Emma. Your your video is off. It it was supposed to be like this.
• 28:29
  Speaker 3: My video is off so that it has better sound.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: Okay. Okay. Okay. Sure. Yeah.
• 28:34
  I knew that. Thank you. So, restart making the let's put in very simple words, helping the brain to have good protection mechanisms. So and good ways of dealing with it. So first, we learn how to deal with our emotions.
• 28:57
  There are basic emotions. All the seven that newborn have, newborns have, and beauty, no, embarrassment, that comes later. Shame, embarrassment, sorry. Not that well right now. But can I can I drink some water to round?
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: Absolutely. Absolutely.
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: Yes. Sorry. Thank you. Okay. I'm back.
• 29:38
  Alright. 100%. So first, we did I dealt or we dealt with our emotions, our basic emotions. So I had to imagine what but the same feel for me. And then the picture appeared in my mind, my eyes, my mind's eye.
• 29:59
  And I would let the picture go like a movie and see what is happening and doing this bilat how do you say? Bilateral or bilateral? Bilateral. Yeah. Thank you.
• 30:12
  Bilateral movement. And this way we start to build again in a healthy way all the emotions, the basic emotions. So we have all these emotions, in a healthy way, and then we deal with the fa-, five, three of the, the ways to deal with, -Trauma responses? -Responses. Yes.
• 30:41
  Thank you. And then we go to the, the memories, right? But instead of me going right to the memories that would happen with someone that doesn't have JD because you can't do EMDR without being part of a system, right? So, we started to to learn about the internal world. And that's when my therapist told me to imagine a place where I could meet if someone was eager to, to come because that was what is happening.
• 31:21
  I, I had this feeling that some parties wanted to introduce themselves. So I imagined this beautiful park with, an area for a picnic, and I brought soap bubbles to play with the kids if they were there, but there were trees. And, you know, the park that wanted They just wanted to, to peek but not really talk to me. They could, observe from apart. And and all of this I was doing while while doing the bilateral movement.
• 32:02
  So it would be, kind of recorded in my mind. This place didn't exist in before, but now with this movement, now it's there. It's still there. And then the first kid started to appear and talk. And once I started to talk with the inner kids, the caretaker appeared, and the system itself started to trust more.
• 32:35
  The trust was for me and for our therapists. And then, every week, we don't follow like, Oh, I have to talk about this last next week. No. We feel like what I felt during the week, what my brain is telling me it's the need, then that's what we're gonna talk about. And many times, I was like, Oh, I need to talk about this.
• 33:00
  But then, ta da, someone else appears. They talk to the therapist, but I'm, I'm always there listening. And that's been my experience. It's been a good experience. I know for some people, it's not as good.
• 33:15
  But for me, it's been very life changing.
• 33:20
  Speaker 3: It makes a big difference. So for people who have not had it, bilateral is pretty simple. It just means two sides or both sides. So for example, I have bilateral cochlear implants. I have a cochlear implant on both ears, on both sides.
• 33:38
  And so when you're doing the eye movements, it's going from this eye to that eye to that eye to that eye. Or if you're doing the tapping, it might be tapping something or holding the tappers or, like a butterfly cross tap where your arms are crossed across your chest and you can tap alternating shoulders. Those kinds of things or like what you mentioned with running, that's an example of bilateral. I went to a workshop recently where sewing was an example of bilateral. Taking turns with this arm or that arm or knitting or crocheting, those are bilateral movements.
• 34:19
  So anything like that can be really, really helpful for grounding or for processing things and the brain can use that kind of zone or that zen to help get things moving. And the interesting thing when you do EMDR with a therapist is that it's not just what's happening in your session. After your session, other pieces keep So falling into this is why things can go wrong with a therapist who does not understand DID because there has to be a lot of resourcing or a lot of containment or a lot of safety in that process, if they know how to do that, then it can still be a very good and useful tool among all the other tools that our therapists use, right? Yes, sorry, Go ahead. No.
• 35:13
  No. Just and just that that's why some people have a negative experience because those insights that come later, if it's not done with safety, can become flooding and be too much.
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: Yes. Yes. So the thing that my therapist explained right from the beginning, it's like when you have the Excel worksheet, you know? Yes. And then you put the formula in one place, and then you bring everything down and it like it falls.
• 35:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Like, the the the data falls into place.
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: Yes. Yes. Exactly. Thank you. So that's what happens, but it's in the next three days, right?
• 35:56
  Usually when you are sleeping, but sometimes when you are, like, woke up too, when you wake up too. So I dealt with one memory, but there are many other traumas and memories that are related to this. So the brain's going to to heal this this memories, too, this trauma memories, too. But it can bring other things that are related. So, we have, like, we always keep in touch with our therapists.
• 36:26
  And in the beginning, it was really hard because the first flashbacks, things that I had no idea, they were really scary. But then you learn how to do it, how to deal with it. And it can take more time or less time to process to reprocess a memory. So sometimes, I can go through all the memory in the same session, and then we close it safely, and it's easy for me this week. But sometimes there is too much, And in one hour, we don't have we don't have time to finish.
• 37:08
  So the memory is open. And this is where it can overflow your brain, right? Because you didn't finish the process. You need to close it to be to feel safe again. And then, we are aware that you can have more heartache, headaches and flashbacks and stuff like that.
• 37:29
  But we always know that the next session will come, and then he will come not only for this session of our memories, but many other stuff. So we have the strength to keep going. But we were born before. Like, everything was really well explained for us. I think that's it.
• 37:55
  Oh, and one thing that I wanted to say while I remember while we were explaining the movement, that this kind of movement helps you to feel Anything you're feeling, it's going to feel stronger. So if you're feeling safe, it's good for you to do the movement, right? If you're feeling relieved, do the movement. But if you're having bad memories and bad feelings, if you do this kind of movement, they are going to stick deeper in your brain. So we shouldn't do the movement, the bilateral movement, if you're in a, for example, in the middle of a panic attack, for example.
• 38:43
  So that's important to be said.
• 38:49
  Speaker 3: Eye movements on I don't have eye movements every session. Sometimes we're just talking like EMDR is bigger than just the eye movements. Yeah,
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: for sure.
• 39:01
  Speaker 3: And and the rest of therapy as well, right? There's so much more than just that tool. But when I do have eye movements, it always makes me very tired. Not like physically tired, but like my brain cannot stay awake after I'm done. Like, I need a nap.
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Me too. I just need to lay down and rest. I I believe it's because we are using lots of brain energy, right? You are creating new pets in your brain so that you need to use physical energy for this.
• 39:42
  And the sessions, because most of the sessions, there are at least three or four parts that talk to our therapists. Like, sometimes the kid just came to say hello, and then, I wanna deal with something, but then there's other part that come to say, Oh, I'm here. And we had to to have, like, like, it's a line, and you need to follow the line and wait for your turn. So that's very important, wait for your turn. But when someone new comes, someone that doesn't know about our DID or doesn't know about other, other traumas.
• 40:32
  Like, I had one part recently. It's a teenager, and she she came to the to the control room for the first time, like, two or three weeks ago, and she still thought it was like life was like when I was 16. So she didn't know about my grandma passing, about our deepest traumas, and everything came to her in therapy. And we did do the, the movement to to help her to, to deal with everything. But the just the fact that all this information was flooding her past, like, the the brain part that had her memories now, other paths were being made to share the information, right?
• 41:32
  It's not just we use I love this term because it's it helps a lot to understand. It's very didactic. That is the verb word. Anyways, it's clear it's easy to understand when we say that a wall is coming down. It's coming down.
• 41:49
  And then we are sharing information. But in our brains, and you sure know this better than me, but the, the cells are making new pets, right? So to connect information, informations. So it's really tiny. It, it We need a lot of energy.
• 42:10
  So people, they have the, the pets for people that are not plural. Okay, I have one path for, like, for one person, let's say. And we have, like, thirty, forty or nine or Anyways, even if you have two, it's the double the energy, right? So it's normal for us to be tired. And it was hard for me to understand this in the beginning.
• 42:36
  I wanted to, okay, now I'm going to therapy and this is gonna work. But then my brain just shut down and I had to sleep. And it's okay because it's important for the process.
• 42:48
  Speaker 3: It's so fascinating because other times sleep is so hard. But after that, then it's like, cannot stay awake.
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 42:58
  Speaker 3: What was it like for you when you found the community? It was so
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: I, I don't have words to, to explain because the week I I found a community, the week bef the same week actually. In the beginning of the week, I was talking to my therapist It would be nice to have other systems to talk to. And then she talked with some of her, like, her co workers, the people from the EMDR therapists, you know, the community from the therapists. She was like, Oh, I'm gonna talk with them, and they are going to see. Maybe you can make a group with your patients if they want to so people can talk.
• 43:57
  Because you understand that's important. But it didn't happen. And I was really I was feeling, ironically, I was feeling very lonely. It's like, okay, I can talk with other people about DID, but I they won't understand me. And this was like a Monday.
• 44:19
  And on a Thursday, I learned about the community. I was like, oh, that's so good. And just opening the app, you know, and seeing people that, oh, here, here's X. I'm nine years old. This is so simple, but it's so powerful because, yes, I can't say, Oh, now I'm X.
• 44:47
  Now I'm Y. Like, when I'm typing right, it's not me. You get it. But just being able to see this was already healing for me because I knew we weren't alone. I already knew this, but interacting with people and being able to help people, I might get a little emotional, but yesterday was a really, really hard day for me.
• 45:13
  Like, really hard day because, there's one part that is trying to show that she's very powerful. And, it's been it's been hard inside our world now. Everything is we have many earthquakes and storms, and people are scared. And I couldn't take my mind out of it. And then I opened the app, and I saw someone asking something that I had an experience that I could help.
• 46:01
  And I shared our experience, and this helped the other system. And the simple act of helping someone, sharing this, it's so big. It's so heartwarming, you know? And this helped me to let the storms inside for a while and just keep a good part of our community.
• 46:30
  Speaker 3: That's one of the things I love so much about it is that it's not just about receiving support. There's something about having the dignity to have something to offer others.
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: Yes. And
• 46:45
  Speaker 3: that attunement, the healing that comes from the attunement of being able to express yourself and be understood, but also understand others when they express themselves. That is just beautiful and powerful. And the relationships that we have developed through groups over the last year has just been I don't know what we would have done without
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: them. Yeah. It's, it's powerful. There's no other word. It's very powerful.
• 47:19
  Speaker 3: What would you want to share with someone who's just now getting diagnosed?
• 47:28
  Speaker 1: It might sound scary right now, and you might feel alone or, like, everything is bad. My life is worse than I thought, and I am not as sane as I might have thought I was. But actually, you are not sick. You are not guilty of this. It's not your fault.
• 47:59
  You have many parts that might disagree with you. But when you learn how to communicate, we are going to have many parts to help you and to support you. And you are going to learn that your brain is not broken. It's actually more powerful because without it, without the memory walls, without these other parts being created, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be here.
• 48:37
  But you are. And if you are learning about the system now, it's because your brain understood, oh, look, now she or here, them. You are stronger. You are strong enough to start to learn about the other parts. And together, you can become even stronger.
• 48:58
  It's not gonna be easy all the time. Many, many times, it's work, but it's so worth it. And you are not alone. You can help each other inside, but you can find help outside, too. I think that's it.
• 49:19
  Speaker 3: That was amazing. I wanna rewind and listen to that again just tap that in.
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: Thank you. That was
• 49:30
  Speaker 3: so special. Thank you for sharing that. Is there anything else that you wanted to talk about today?
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: Not that for now, I think it's just important. I know people that listen here, they are English speakers, right? But if you are not, like your mother tongue is not English and you would like to talk to me because it's different in different countries. Know here in Brazil, was so hard to find anything about your ID. So hard.
• 50:08
  I was I want to share this because it's I have this frustration. I need to share it with someone that understands everything. But I was, Googling the idea to see what were the first articles that would show up today, this morning, I was doing this. And the the first thing that appeared, they were all so bad. You have no idea, like, testing that they don't know yet the the what causes TID and, like, things that were published.
• 50:45
  Things that were published that you don't know yet what causes TID, that, okay, you it's when you have one or more parts or other personalities. They use this term, personal ethics, even though it's identity disorder. Anyways, when you have two, two or more personalities, and they might coexist. So everything was just so misleading. And it's very frustrating because we are not It's like we don't exist for all these people that actually think they are doing a good job.
• 51:32
  Like, they're not doing, like, I'm gonna put some bad things here, some bad information. They just don't know. And I feel And let me be clear. We can be in a covert system like, I know about my DID, and I don't want to share with you, and that's okay. That's safe.
• 51:55
  Safety comes first. And we know there's so much stigma around. But I feel we should talk about it, even if it's not letting people know that we have DID. So if you can share somehow information. Mostly, I know this goes for, for people in The States, sure, but here in Brazil, it's so hard.
• 52:22
  As my therapist said, she was, Oh, the therapist, they have no idea what the association is. So if you are from other country and you wanna share your experience in the community, I would like to talk to you and see if maybe we can start, helping other people to know why DID so they can help to treat others or to just to know because most people are self themselves learn about their DID, So I just wanted to share more information, not only in English. That's very important to me. It's, it's
• 53:09
  Speaker 3: a big deal that even the podcast airs in lots of different countries around the world. It's downloaded every day all over the world, but 92 countries that are non English speaking countries.
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: Wow. That's amazing.
• 53:26
  Speaker 3: But the podcast is still in English, right? So Yeah. It's it's a hard thing and not accessible to everyone in that way.
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And I said, like, here in Brazil, I don't have the exact exact data, but I believe over 90% of people just speak Portuguese. So, that's something that we could start, like, new in your system. It's so such a big inspiration for me. And after being in the community and learning about the system I'm part of and seeing the changes, having this feeling that I told you when you go to the community and, okay, this is safe for my four year old to share some emojis because they want to and or to share some drawings.
• 54:19
  That's special. That's so special. And this inspired me. Actually, next year, I'm gonna start to I'm gonna go back to university. I'm gonna start studying and doing some official research.
• 54:34
  So my people here in Brazil and Portuguese speakers, can learn about DID. And that's because of you and the community you created. I hope somehow I can, work even in a small, like, 0.001% of this community you created. I hope we can do with people that are not non English speakers too.
• 55:06
  Speaker 3: What do you want to say in Portuguese before we go in case there's someone there listening to this who wants to hear you in that language? Oh, okay. Thank you so much for sharing with us.
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: Thank you for having me finally. Was really nice to talk to you.
• 55:36
  Speaker 3: I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm really glad to connect with you. I've, I have been so glad to see you in groups and get to know you and you've been so kind. Thank you.
• 55:47
  Thank
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: you too.
• 55:49
  Speaker 3: You're an important part of our community.
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: Thank you. Thank you so much. Bye. Goodnight. Bye.
• 56:25
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing. One of the ways we practice this is in community together. The link for the community is in the show notes.
• 56:52
  We look therapist for the community, and not there for dating, and not there to be shiny happy. Less shiny, actually. I'm there to heal too, being human together. So, yeah, sometimes we'll see you there.