Latest / The Steve & Jeff Show / Everyday Heroes Interview Series Episode 13: To Uber or not to Uber, that’s the question?

Transcript

Everyday Heroes Interview Series Episode 13: To Uber or not to Uber, that’s the question? · The Steve & Jeff Show

• 0:04
  SPEAKER_02: Well, hey everybody, welcome to yet another exciting episode of the best podcast in the world, the Steve and Jeff Experience Podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_02: I'm Steve.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm Jeff.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_02: How's it going, Steve?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_02: Jeff, it is it's going so good.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I kept I've been telling you for a while that we're gonna hit it, we're gonna hit it, we're gonna get on, huh?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_03: I've been telling you.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you know what happened?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_02: I got a call.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_02: Well, it wasn't a call, it was actually like a letter.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_02: But I got a letter from somebody who Jeff, you're not gonna believe this.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_02: They talked to an eminent professor of American culture, and that eminent professor of American culture listened to our show.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_02: Really?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's a professor um uh uh shrimdeco.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_02: I I I can't really pronounce it, but you know, uh but he said this is what he said, this is the cool part.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_02: He put this in the letter, he said that this professor at oh gosh, one of those big eastern schools, I think it was uh oh yeah, it was uh Sarah Silverman College, I think it was.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, oh I've heard of it.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_02: I've heard of her.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_02: So anyway, this uh he he said that our comedy was what he called comedy extrano.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: Comedy extrano.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_02: Is that is that Italian?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I don't know, but I I I think it means I think it means like really good.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: Either that or anal probate.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_02: Well, well, it could be.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: I I think you know funny, you know, funny you should say that because I just the other day I was in the store and I saw I saw this package of meat that said Osobuco.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm only a little bit Italian, but I thought, you know, if I use thumbnail Italian, that could that almost looks like ass mouth.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: It's kind of what that looks like.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_02: I you know I like that.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking of emails, um, I got a a funny one that uh uh I wanted to bring up.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: As you recall, last week we were I was celebrating the fact that my father had died on the same day that he was born.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that was an exciting, that was a momentous celebration.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_02: It was uh people are still laughing about that, in fact.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, turns out I got an email from my dad who said he hadn't died, and that you know, and that his birthday wasn't the 22nd.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: So wow, apologies to him, you know.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I you know, sometimes you make a mistake.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Steve, sometimes we're in the middle, you know, the bright lights are on us, and we just you know, we just lose track of key information.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_02: Well, and and and and you know, Jeff, it could have been somebody that had the same name as your dad, but just was a different guy.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_02: And that, and you know, not to digress, because you know, I I I do digress sometimes, but but Jeff, speaking of people that have names that are not the people that you think they are when they you hear that name, uh we got a great guest tonight, Jeff.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: We got a great guest.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, well, we you know, I was trying to get that professor from you know Sarah Silverman College, but you know, I I couldn't find the number.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: I I got some publicists that said that hung up on me, in fact.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_02: So I don't know, I don't know who I called, but but but but as I was coming to the studio, I didn't want to drive, you know, because I I probably you know, well, because I've knocked back a couple, you know, hey, yeah, I I figured I wouldn't drive, you know what I mean.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: So I I I took I took an Uber over here, and we've got as our guest tonight, an Uber driver.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_02: His name, his name is David Ortiz.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_02: Now it's not that David Ortiz, it's not the one you're thinking of.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_02: No, it's not him.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_02: This is an Uber driver whose name is David Ortiz.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: David, welcome to the show.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: He's doing this from his car, he's driving Uber right now, right now.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome on our show, David.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_02: Hello, guys.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: How how how are you?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_02: Good David Ortiz here.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: Good, David.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: That was a that was a wonderful ride over here.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_02: That was so quick and smooth, and you know, I mean that you were a little late on that light at Dodge, but uh, you know, other than that, it was pretty good.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, well, thanks a lot.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_04: It's it's it's always nice to have a paying custom in my car.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I and I always tip.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, that's good.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, David, it's funny, you you might be our first guest that was actually doing the job we ended up interviewing them about.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we we uh the closest Steve might be your psychologist where we had the where I recorded one of the sessions, but otherwise she's still mad about that.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: I talked to her yet, oh no, she's she hung up on me too.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: Everybody's hanging up on me.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_02: Don't hang up, guys.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, we got some show to do here.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: But uh, but this might be the first time where someone was literally in the middle of doing the job we're interviewing them about.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I can't believe it.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And the David Ortiz stuff.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you know, David Ortiz just got um elected into the baseball hall of fame.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: You must be very proud of sharing the name of somebody who is now in the hall of fame.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, I I'm going to be able to monetize that somehow.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know, I don't quite know how yet, but uh I'm looking forward to monetizing my name.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, next next summer in Cooperstown.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: I see I could see that happening.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: You could have t-shirts.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: I'm David Ortiz, you know, sell your autograph.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_04: There you go.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_04: Pete Rose does it.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_04: Why not why why not me?
• 5:30
  unknown: Right.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, we pete there Pete Rosenberg.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_02: We there's another guy I'd like to get on the show.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_02: He shortened his name so he could sell autographs, you know.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: You know Pete, right?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's always always looking for an angle, you know.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_02: But uh so David, David, you're you're actually driving right now.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: Do you have somebody in your car right now, even as we speak?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, that's why I'm a little nervous.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_04: You see, uh, I'm the I'm an Uber driver that uh is a zero star Uber driver.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_04: That doesn't mean that I have zero stars, it means that I only drive people that have passengers that have zero star uh reviews.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_02: That's why you picked me up.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, I understand now, yeah.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, and you know, you know, David, you know the the saying, you know, when people like want to date a younger woman or whatever, and the woman says it's just a number, your age is just a number.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think zero is really just a number.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: You put a one in front of it and it's a ten, right?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: You put uh you you you curl under the zero and it's a nine, you know.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you go to the left there.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: So to me, I think that's unfair to judge you um by some arbitrary rating system.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's really unfair.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: I would agree.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: You seem great to me.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_04: It is just a number, and and so is so is uh so is your parole.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_04: You know, it's just a number, you know, how many months you're on parole.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_04: Oh okay.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, uh parole.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_02: You know, is that is that common among Uber?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I seem to get a lot of Uber drivers who were like on parole or they're on probation, and I had one that jammed the brakes as the light turned yellow because oh, I can't run a red light because I'm on if I'm on run a red light, I'm on probation, they'll throw me right back in.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'll serve the whole sentence.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: Is that is it are a lot of your drivers so you rode with my brother Sam?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_02: Sam, I think that was Sam.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, he's got two strikes and a check swing.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_04: That's how we think with that.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_02: I like that.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_02: I like that.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and he was you know, he was okay.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: He was, you know, I gotta say, I think you're a better driver than Sam.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_04: Well, you know, I've just uh I've got a clean record, and uh I understand.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_04: I'm talking to this man on the phone, it'll be all right.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_04: I will have you to the courthouse on time.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_02: See, those zero, those zero star passengers are just they're trouble, aren't they?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, and I think they match you up, don't they match you up?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it sounds like this guy, this guy's a real jerk, you know.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: If if you didn't have a zero rating, you could have had a really good customer instead of that person.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: David, is are you on speaker right now?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, unfortunately, so uh I am on speaker, so Iksnay on the ERK J.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_02: Oh boy, and he's going to the courthouse.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_02: Oh that's and I'm gonna guess David, he's he's not an attorney, is what I'm gonna guess.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_04: He might have been one at one time, but uh anymore, no.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_04: Um not very many attorneys have those teardrop tattoos.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_02: It is it's a small select group, yes.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_02: Well, the one that represented my brother Sam, he has them.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_02: So I mean, you know, we can't judge.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_02: That's true, that's true.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: And sometimes sometimes they're really effective in those those big cases, you know.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_02: But so so so Dave, so so tell me, how is it driving Uber?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, do you you you spend all day drive do you drive full-time, or is it just like a side gig for you?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_04: It started off as a side gig, but I tell you what, when you specialize in the drive in the writers that have zero stars, I'm the only one in the Metroplex that will actually pick them up and take them.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_04: So I'm on a lot of speakers of people that have court appearances.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_04: Um, let's see, there's a lot of people that uh tend to overdrink on uh Friday and Saturday nights.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_04: I'm on the SP dial, and uh some people that just uh they don't have that uh Tourette syndrome, but they curse a lot and loud.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_02: Well that um that sounds good.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_02: That's probably how we got involved with you there, David.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_02: That that that that's uh well, and and I imagine too a lot of people with expired credit cards.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, that's that's gotta be a big part of your your business there, I would think, right?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, uh, because you don't want to be cash only in my business.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_04: You don't yeah, you don't want you know, somebody's like, Oh, I'm like, oh, that'll be thirteen dollars, and they're like, Oh, can I pay with a five hundred dollar bill?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_04: It's like, oh sure, I got change for a five hundred, why not?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_02: Let me break that for you.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, bank of Uber that sure.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and David, uh again, I don't want to beat a dead horse here, but sounds like the zeros are your customers, not you.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, look, you are multitasking, the zeros are his heroes, one could even say.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you're looking for a tip, then yes, I guess if you know, whoever that customer is back there, hey, whoever that's whoever's back there, first of all, shut the fuck up.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: We're trying to do a podcaster, but yeah, but secondly, we're getting them on the map.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: You David a good tip.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, David is how many Uber drivers can do a podcast and drive at the same time?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know any.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_02: I've never seen one.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_02: No, I've never seen one.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_02: This is amazing.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I think I think you're really I don't think you need to be limited to the zero stars, or maybe is that that was by choice, though, it sounds like, right?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_02: Because that was because you're you have your the market to yourself.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, you know, it's kind of like that, you know, in the movie The Beautiful Mind, where the guy says you always go for the third best looking girl in the bar.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I guess I go for the the the lowest rated people and they are the nicest people.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, I'm almost I'm not gonna circle the block to get you closer.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_04: You can get out here, all right.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_04: All right, fine.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: David, David, you are handling you are handling this perfectly.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, I if if I'm if I'm putting in a rating, I Steve, I don't know if we count as a a customer where we can rate David, but I give him a 10.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: He's the best I've ever seen.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_02: I would I I would give you I'd I'd say excellent driver, good manners, polite.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: Polite.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_02: I'd give you that star that says polite.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now I would never get in a car with you because I don't know.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's not it's nothing personal, David, but you are a zero driver, so you know, but but I but that's beside the point.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: I think that uh yeah, I think you're terrific.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: So um, I think I recommend other people, especially the person beh in your in your car right now, you know, come on, give them a break.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_04: I but you know, it it is one of those things, though I'm I don't have to upgrade my vehicle so I'm able to drive my uh 97 uh Dodge.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_04: You know, most people want a nice car, and uh I just provide the car that you just get in and out of it, and that's it.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_02: You know, people just want to get out of my car, and that's well, and then you know, when I'm getting a ride, that's all I just want to ride, I want to get in the car and go somewhere, and I want to get out of the car when I'm there.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_02: That's it.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_02: I don't no, I I I do have to tell you, David, when you were driving me over here just to the studio here just a little bit ago, I was in the back there and under it was kind of next to uh it was a rapper, uh, I think from uh Popeye's chicken or something, but it there was I thought you meant a singer, I thought you meant a rapper.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_02: Well, no, I no, I I I aced him out.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_02: He was about to get in.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_02: And I said, No, no, no, me first.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_02: And I oh so I probably can't go back to that stop ever, ever.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_02: Like, but but I digress.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_02: But uh there was there was like this stain, this little I don't know, it was kind of a weird thing.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_02: Uh have you seen that back there?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I I do go back there.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, that's a good idea.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_04: I that's that's that's a bad idea.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_04: That's a bad idea.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_04: But I tell you what, I tell you what, if I pick you up again, Steve, I'd be more than happy to have you ride shotgun.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_02: That would be an honor.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my goodness.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, I yeah, we'd need one business.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_02: No, we'd need one, yeah.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_02: No, that I that sounds wonderful.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_02: Listen, I you know, in fact, I'm gonna need a ride back from the studio here.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_02: So, you know, maybe uh maybe in a few minutes, maybe come on by and and pick me up.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_02: And speaking of a few minutes, Jeff, I I gotta tell you, you know what, Jeff?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_02: Jeff, we have a repeat sponsor tonight.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_02: Wonderful.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_02: It's you know, you remember, well, it's a repeat PSA.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_02: Because you remember that one we did when you know the guy at church said, Hey, people aren't coming to church, we gotta do something a little different.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I remember and said, rather than just like telling them about church, they need something a little, you know, a little more, a little more entertaining.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_02: He said, Well, he said the other day that, you know, apparently it didn't work.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_02: So he said, since it didn't work, why don't you do it again?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_02: And I said, Okay, all right.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_02: Sounds like my wife.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_02: So we'll do it.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that's always been my excuse with my wife, but okay.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_02: But here, let me uh let's go to the commercial.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: I love that commercial.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Steve, I have a question for you though.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe David, you can uh can get on board with this too.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Did you produce this commercial, Steve, for them?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: And if so, that's the sound of those uh of that car.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Was that David's Uber car?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you know, that is a great question.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_02: I first part of the question, yeah, yeah, I did produce that.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_02: And nicely done.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_02: I got that sound effect.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_02: I just put a microphone down by you know Route 75 over here, the the exit ramp, and uh, you know, that might have been you.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_02: I I think you drive you drive that area, I know, Dave.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I'd recognize those valves rattling anywhere.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, that was definitely me.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's that's pretty exciting.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, I don't know why that commercial hasn't worked.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, my goodness, that excitement.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_02: Atheists would go to church with that commercial.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_02: Come on.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, why is it I'm Jewish and I would go, right?
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: I would, I would.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: It got me motivated.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: That would you know, that would work.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but I but I digress.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Hey David, um, I don't want to presume because I don't know your business, but I talked to somebody, a friend of mine who was uh an Uber driver, and he gave me uh a little insight, a little tip.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: And can I share that with you because it may help you as you go forward?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh god, please, yes.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so what he said is the key to making a lot of money as an Uber driver is to drive on Friday and Saturday nights late, picking people up at bars and having them puke in your car.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason is because Uber charges like$250, they will give you$250 every time somebody pukes, and you can either clean the car or maybe it sounds to me like maybe just wipe it down and you're back in business.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: And the kicker is that if you don't get the smell out, the next person who gets in the car will throw a$250.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying, it sounds like a winner to me, David.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: How do you feel about that?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_04: Well, you know, in in Uber terms, that's called the circle of life.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_04: Um uh when you get uh you get the continuous uh vomitorium.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I've I tried that for a while, but as it turns out, um it costs more than$250 in PureL um just to get to get you through the day.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_02: Well, those Purel prices have really gone up too.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_04: Man I do drive my Chef pukers.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_04: Um I just have uh upgraded services now for an extra two dollars and fifty cents.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_04: I get you a bucket, and uh you do whatever you want with the bucket, but you you take the bucket with you when you get out of the car, you and the bucket leave.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_04: No questions asked.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you know, I think somebody, I think that Popeye's wrapper, I think it was from one of those buckets.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think somebody left one of those buckets back there too.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_02: You might want to look.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I I know that's that's asking a lot to go back in the back there, but you might want to take a look.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_02: I think there's something going on there, and it's like some some competition maybe for the leftover chicken, you know.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_02: I I I don't know, there might be animals in there.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_04: Uh yeah, I'll definitely check that out next time I hose out the back seat.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there you go.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: You might want to use KFC, you know, those buckets, they give you those buckets.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, when you get the chicken.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: So you might want to just you can reuse those, which I think is great.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_02: You know, and that's kind of the KFC circle of life, too.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you eat the chicken and you throw up right back in it.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_02: You know, it just kind of works out, you know.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, you have the bucket for the bones and for the uh aftermath of consuming an entire bucket of uh Kentucky fried chicken.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_02: Bucket of chicken, yeah.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_02: There you go.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_04: That's yeah.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_04: So David Oh my god, they aren't a sponsor of this show, are they?
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_02: Not yet, not yet.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_02: We have we are in negotiations with them.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_02: Well, like I I called them, they hung up on me too.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_02: I don't I don't know.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_02: Something's going on.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_02: People are rude anyway, but but I digress.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_02: But so so so Dave, what did you do before you were an Uber driver?
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_02: Because you're now you're kind of particularly with your appearance on this show, you're gonna be the king of Uber.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_02: So, but what did you do before?
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_04: Uh I I um well I had a lot of failed businesses.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_04: Uh one of them was I had a buffet restaurant for people with bulimia.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_02: Um that was that was good practice for for the Uber driving, big big profit margins too, right?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_04: It was, it was.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_04: It was uh again, you know, it's I'm a people person, so I enjoyed it.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_04: Um, but you know, I just kind of I've always enjoyed driving, so I was an over-the-road long haul uh cab driver for a while.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_04: And uh you hear about these stories every once in a while where somebody will take a cab from New York to Chicago.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_04: Um, I did that, I did that run.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_04: Um wow, yeah.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_04: That must cost and uh I did a lot of work uh lot of buckets.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_04: That's a lot of buckets.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_04: I did a lot of work cleaning stables for the police horse department.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: That was uh very that sounds interesting.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_02: They got you ready for this work too, I think.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, David, I is is your customer still back there?
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because I haven't seen you slow down or heard you drop him off yet.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: Is he still in the car?
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_04: I thought he got out.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_04: Oh shoot, no, he's still there.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, Tony.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_04: All right, all right.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_04: You got me again.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_02: Oh man, getting a free ride or so he thinks, right?
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, well, you know, he gets that credit card.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_04: He pays for the ride and then he just thinks, oh well, I'll just take a little eight hour CS to become sometimes, and you know, then you can't live in my Uber, okay, Tony.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_04: You can't live here.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_02: I only spent a couple minutes in in the Uber, but uh I I think I I'd have trouble sleeping there.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I mean?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_02: It was it was a combination of the the motion and the smell.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I don't I usually have a pretty strong stomach, but I'm I'm like I'm getting a little queasy right now just thinking about it, in fact, you know.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_04: Well I d I did work for a while.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_04: I was the first mate on a garbage scowl in the East River.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_04: We would go down the East River.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_04: We would get out of sight of land and uh well, you know, just let her rip.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_02: Just open the doors and let it all go.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking speaking of letter rip, do you ever find yourself?
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is always a question I have.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like if like Steve, you mentioned earlier, you know, you do this New York to LA long ride, but I'm sure you have regular long rides.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: And do you ever have to like go to the bathroom in the middle of a ride?
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, or do you ever have to, you know, you maybe you had tacos for lunch or whatever?
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how do you handle that kind of stuff?
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_04: A lot of it is just planning ahead.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_04: So, you know, places like Taco Bell, you you know, you you just gotta have know that you're gonna have short runs in case you have short runs.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_04: You need short runs in your Uber in case you have short runs from the Taco Bell.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_04: Other than that, um, you know, there's there's tricks of the trade, um, Gatorade bottles and uh depends.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_04: You can go for literally minutes and minutes upon hours out here, um, just like a truck driver.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I you know, I think when you said short runs, I think my last Uber trip, I think the driver was Frank Shorty Runs.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, Frank, you know Frank, right?
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_02: You know, they call him Shorty, you know, shorty runs, you know.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_02: Uh-huh.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, he was oh, he's a maniac, man.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_02: That guy, whoa.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_04: He will get you there, he will get you there on time.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_04: How many pieces?
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_04: Uh you know.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_04: I was might not be one piece, but he'll be on time.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_02: It was heavy traffic, and uh, we were not slowing down one bit.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_02: Ooh, no, it was uh it was a wild ride, but I was 10 minutes early.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, you know, it's kind of worked out, you know.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_04: I saw him pass an ambulance on the shoulder, on the left hand shoulder, past an ambulance, ran the tow truck off of the accident site, and uh by god, he got uh he got that kid to the library before it closed.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_02: Oh man, good for you because you gotta return those books.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, they nick you and they oh it's on your permanent record.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_02: That's wrong.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_02: That's wrong.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_02: And they'll keep you know they'll keep adding to the daily fines.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, it could go years, and you'd have thousands of dollars on this Charlotte's web or something.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know, you know?
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and you brought up you brought up a really interesting concept, uh, David.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not quoting you, but are you implying that maybe um ambulances should be driven by Uber drivers and that they should privatize them so that you know, because you guys know the the shortest routes to get to places, and if you could go you're already going through red lights all the time, so why not uh take somebody to the hospital?
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_04: Or I I think that that should be you know, shorty runs, Frank shorty runs.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_04: He nobody die in the back of that thing, that's for sure.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_04: He'd he'd make sure they died at least in the parking lot at the hospital, if not inside the hospital.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, now if you do die in the back seat, what does Uber charge the customer?
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you you know if they puke, it's$250.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you die back there, I I gotta think with the smell, you're looking at at least a grand.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_04: If somebody dies in the back of your Uber, they Uber only gives you two dollars and seventy-five cents.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_04: Uh huh.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_04: You're just expected, you're just expected to uh you know, just shove them out, shove them out.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my gosh, it's like a gas stipend or something.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_02: That's wow.
• 25:43
  unknown: Wow.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_04: But if you play your cards right and somebody dies, you can get your tip on their phone before you shove them out, and everything looks kosher, you know.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, oh yeah, you get a$700 tip for three blocks and a dead in a death.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_02: With their dying breath, they left a tip and they decided, hey, can't take it with you, may as well be generous, right?
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_04: Dead people are some of the most generous tippers that I've ever had.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: I bet.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: I bet.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: I bet.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: I thought my dad was a big tipper, and then turns out he wasn't dead.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it turns out he's not.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: He's not.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: So he and actually he's not that much of a tipper anyway.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_04: Is is your dad still alive?
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's what I hear.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's what he says.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_04: That's why he's not a good tipper yet.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_04: Just give him time, he'll be a good tipper.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_04: That's right.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_02: See, yeah, see, last week he was saying that his dad had died 20 years ago, but his dad wrote a letter.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_02: He was like, hey, what do you mean I died 20 years ago?
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, whoa, whoa, he's still around.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's that was just crazy.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_02: That was, man.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, man.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_02: You know, and I gotta tell you, if I would if I was calling an ambulance, now, you know, you know, Jeff, I'm I don't think I'm a tight wad, but you know, my wife says that sometimes, but but you know, I gotta tell you, if I was calling, if I needed an ambulance, I would think, okay, I could call an ambulance for$759.12.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_02: Or I could call David, David Ortiz at Uber for you know$22.50.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_02: He'll get me to the same hospital in the same time.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, oh, hey, I you know, and maybe ambulances should be like Uber's.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_02: You could get an app and then you could see how many ambulances were circling in the area.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_02: You say, Oh, look, oh, we could easily get one.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_02: Look, there are four within a four-block area right now.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_02: Look at that.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_04: And you know, if if people don't ask a lot of questions, I can get that IV started while we're in route, too.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I I I would imagine if I need an ambulance, I I probably won't be talking much, you know.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_02: I just I don't know, but but maybe I would, you know, because I do.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: We all need IVs at the end of the day.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: It seems to me that you can never go wrong with an IV.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_02: The IV is like like those big colleges, like Sarah Silverman College.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, it's like the I the IVs, yeah.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, no, yeah, we need those because that's where those professors are finding our comedy extrano.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, ooh.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: So so David and Steve, I think we have stumbled upon, you know, it this is like the merging of peanut butter and chocolate, you know, to yes, you know, ambulance drivers and uber drivers.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you you combine the two, and and like Steve said, they're they're less efficient, they're less expensive, they know how to drive fast, they know how to not follow traffic laws.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: So um I I David, I'm hoping next time we do a follow-up with you that you've taken this to the next step.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I think so.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, you know, they got the Uber Eats where you know you don't have to go to the groceries store yourself anymore.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_04: And uh in some parts of the country, there's Uber weed where you know they just uh they will go to the dispensary.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, oh I like that one.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_04: There's a lot of 25-year-olds in Chicago that never leave the basement now.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_02: Well, and and you know, and you know, thinking about ambulances, I mean, I I know when I when I'm driving, you know, and I see if an ambulance comes by, nobody gets out of the way, nobody, nobody pulls over like they're supposed to.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_02: I got I gotta tell you, people see that Uber sticker in the window, they get out of the way because they know what's coming.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_02: Ooh, so no, you don't want to be here when that guy drove.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, who knows?
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_02: Who knows what could happen.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_04: That's the that's the biggest thing that we uh all of us in the Uber industry uh of drivers, it's the respect we get.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, it's the respect, that's what we work for.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_02: It's professional courtesy, you know.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_02: We're just gonna let you go because because hey, you're the man, you are David Ortiz.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: Even though you're not the David Ortiz, you're a David Ortiz.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and uh Steve, just on a personal note, between you and I here, this is the reason we do what we do.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we we we come here and we we solve problems, we create opportunities.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's exactly right.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_02: That's why we're so successful, and we and we get down to the truth, just like with that real estate lady that was selling cemeteries, you know, we the incisiveness, the truth, and we get down to the truth that, like, hey, maybe Uber should be driving ambulances and maybe and a hearse, and a hearse.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, not that you need to go fast really with a hearse, but hey, pretty unlikely to have somebody throw up and from the hearse, right?
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_02: Or complain.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_02: Or complain, right?
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, they probably don't tip though.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's true.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_02: But listen, David, thank you so much.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_02: And and listen, uh, I I'll get on the app and if you can uh if you can swing by in about about five minutes or so.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, yeah, cool.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_04: Cool.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_04: That's that sounds good.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_04: Uh Tony, Tony's just dead to the world back there.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_04: He's he's uh dreaming.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_04: Bless his little heart.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_04: So uh yeah, you go ahead.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_04: Uh you can ride in the front seat and the shotgun's right under there.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_04: So cool.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_02: I will need it because I Tony sounds like a dangerous guy.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_02: I don't mind an Uber share, but ooh, I better be armed.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I think I think I gotta be armed.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_02: So listen, we're just about to about to get kicked out of the studio here, but uh, I want to thank you for coming in, David.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_02: David Ortiz, not Big Poppy, Big Uber.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh, nice to meet you, David.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: Good luck.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_02: All right, thanks.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_02: Stay in touch, stay in touch, let us know how it turns out, and we will be back next time with yet another exciting guest.