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An evening with comedian White Chocolate · LOLwithMariandJohn.com

• 0:30
  All I'm saying is they should have gave that Pike lady who survived the execution
• 0:34
  twice, they should have gave that bitch Fentanyl.
• 0:36
  Fentanyl would have killed that bitch. How did Fina Barber and whatever other
• 0:39
  thing not kill her, but it killed the Heaven's Gate people? It doesn't make sense.
• 0:43
  I just heard that Pike's head needs to be on a pike.
• 0:48
  I saw that last on social media, but I just barely, barely tapped into it at the end.
• 0:54
  I didn't, I don't really watch the news because it's too depressing. Yeah.
• 0:58
  So I try to stay clear of that and I try to reinforce the positivity in my life
• 1:04
  because what's going on in D.C. right now is not the bag of tricks I want to pay attention to.
• 1:10
  And honestly, I'm fully going to be a hypocrite. I mean, I think since she survived
• 1:16
  an execution twice, she should be like, oh, she should be set free.
• 1:20
  Who the fuck survives an execution? Let her go.
• 1:22
  Isn't that like the law? I mean, I don't know. I thought if you survived. It should be.
• 1:26
  They shouldn't have three swats at it right exactly yeah wow there was a person
• 1:31
  who i think one of the only people,
• 1:35
  it was a woman or something that was supposed to be hanged and she survived
• 1:39
  it somehow wow and so they let it go it was like one of the only executions
• 1:43
  that are like recorded from like forever ago that they were like well,
• 1:46
  she survived she had a broken neck but she's fine you heard about the three
• 1:49
  guys that were going to be.
• 1:52
  They were going to be hung to death and they were hanging him from a tree that
• 1:55
  the tree grew over a river and um they put the first guy up there and um,
• 2:04
  He managed to slip out of the noose and he fell into the river and just swam
• 2:08
  away. And they were like, oh my God.
• 2:10
  And then the second guy got up there too and he saw that. So he just started
• 2:15
  wiggling around and stuff. And he slipped out of the noose and fell into the river and swam away.
• 2:20
  And the third guy got up there and was like, could you make sure the noose is
• 2:24
  tight? I don't know how to swim.
• 2:27
  Very good. I like that.
• 2:31
  So dumb. Wow. Well, so anyway,
• 2:36
  you go buy white chocolate as a comedian and you, you are somebody I know,
• 2:45
  have known for a long time.
• 2:46
  Actually, it's more of a joke that's only for black people. Yes.
• 2:49
  Because it's very funny, like immediately because it's just silly.
• 2:52
  And it's, and it's, it is outrageous and it's, it implies that you,
• 2:56
  that you're trying to do something which you're not because I know you and I
• 3:00
  know you love irony and the absurd.
• 3:02
  And so, and you, I know that it's difficult for people who don't have an open
• 3:08
  mind for them to understand your sense of humor because you're the guy that
• 3:13
  goes when everybody else is like, don't go there.
• 3:16
  You're like, don't say that because I have to go there now. Yeah. And which is cool.
• 3:21
  I was wondering though, it's fun to fill in the imagination of people if you can.
• 3:25
  So put the picture in their head with, you know. So, having known you for so
• 3:30
  long, I know virtually nothing about your childhood. Okay.
• 3:34
  What happened? How did it go? Where were you born? Chicago.
• 3:39
  What were your parental units like? Both of my parents are from Ireland,
• 3:43
  so I'm first-generation Irish. You're first-generation Irish?
• 3:46
  I'm first-generation American. Wait, did they drink? No.
• 3:48
  Um, my dad did a little bit, but not really. Oh, really? So they were bad Irish?
• 3:54
  Right, exactly. My mom, yeah, right, exactly. Ireland says that we want your
• 3:58
  passport back, please. Right, exactly. You should have been fed up.
• 4:02
  I can't do an Irish accent, otherwise I would have done it.
• 4:06
  I'll teach you how to do it. Really? For any of the listeners.
• 4:09
  How do you do an Irish accent? Say the word tree, like a tree. A tree.
• 4:13
  Except say it like it were a number. So like, terty tree. Terty.
• 4:17
  And you just kind of like mix those, and then it like comes out funny.
• 4:21
  It's all a stereotype. It's very funny.
• 4:24
  You do it much better than I do. Irish. Do you ever just pull out an Irish accent?
• 4:30
  If I'm making fun of Irish people, yeah. Something like that. Okay. That's cool.
• 4:35
  And then, so, growing up, what stood out when you were growing up?
• 4:40
  I mean, did you have siblings? Did you have? I have one brother and two sisters.
• 4:44
  One brother and two sisters. They're all older than me. how i did everybody
• 4:47
  come out okay because in my family that everybody did not come out okay,
• 4:53
  i mean like dad was an alcoholic i think i may have changed something that i
• 4:58
  might have been predisposed to because of an early trauma and what i mean by that is,
• 5:06
  i should probably have turned out like my brother but i'm not like my brother,
• 5:10
  how is your brother he tends to be like a knucklehead and kind of like he resorts
• 5:16
  to violence like very easily,
• 5:18
  whereas like me and like he'll fight people he doesn't care like he's just like
• 5:22
  that kind of oh he's very irish yeah exactly right no no to be that irish right now uh,
• 5:28
  but uh i don't know i i.
• 5:32
  So in kindergarten, a friend named Danny, I was playing in kindergarten.
• 5:39
  Mrs. Fraley was the teacher. Mrs. Perley? Mrs. Fraley. Okay.
• 5:45
  And then Danny Ozek, who became a good friend, and we ended up being the funniest
• 5:50
  people in school anyway.
• 5:55
  He kept calling me a nerd or a dork. I don't remember what it was. But something.
• 5:59
  Something like that. And he was kind of trying to bully me a little bit.
• 6:01
  And he was like, kept calling me then. I was like, if you call me that one more
• 6:05
  time, I'm going to punch you in the face. And I said this to him about five
• 6:07
  times. Like, if you call me a jerk one more time, I'm going to punch you in the face.
• 6:10
  I gave him about five warnings and then I did it. I punched him in the face.
• 6:14
  And the way I hit him, like he fell and fell back into the piano,
• 6:18
  bashed his face on the piano and lost his two front teeth.
• 6:21
  I get suspended in kindergarten. This is not a joke or exaggeration.
• 6:24
  I get suspended in kindergarten.
• 6:26
  I got home and my parents beat the shit out of me. Wow. I think because of that,
• 6:32
  It stopped me from wanting to engage in physical violence or fights.
• 6:36
  And it stopped me from enjoying that.
• 6:37
  You're like the most gentle person I've ever met. Right. It takes a lot for
• 6:40
  me to go there. It takes a lot for me.
• 6:42
  I mean, it's different if it's protection. I don't care. But like,
• 6:44
  or it's like somebody's in danger. That doesn't, that's not exactly the same.
• 6:48
  That's not exactly the same. But like, yeah, I think I'm more...
• 6:54
  My words are my weapon now, if anything. So is there anything I can say to get
• 6:57
  you, like, in the fight now? No, not you.
• 7:01
  I know. I'm such a wuss. No, no, I'm not saying that. Like, it's not like. It's not in my nature.
• 7:06
  Yeah, and there's nothing like. I suffer from too much empathy.
• 7:11
  It can be toxic. Oh, yeah. Oddly enough. Yeah.
• 7:15
  I mean, like the other day, I was telling you, we're shooting that new opening.
• 7:19
  Yeah. And I had a very dear friend of mine not want to appear in the opening
• 7:25
  because we wanted to use people in our community.
• 7:27
  And he was like, no, I don't think so.
• 7:29
  And it hurt my feelings so bad. And like you said, it's probably because he's
• 7:33
  camera shy, which it is. He doesn't like doing it. But I took it as,
• 7:37
  you don't like my podcast.
• 7:39
  Right. And you don't think it's worthy of appearing on.
• 7:43
  You know what? I will tell you this. I actually do.
• 7:46
  So when it comes to it's kind of adjacent this example but if you're you see
• 7:52
  somebody out at a bar or a club or some kind of social thing and you find them
• 7:56
  attractive and they don't find you the same that's okay they're allowed to think and feel that way,
• 8:01
  but I actually respect men who reject me more because I know exactly where they stand
• 8:06
  there's no question in my mind there's no what if I don't have to like yeah
• 8:09
  think about or pursue like is there something there it's not it takes major
• 8:13
  cojones and I'm like oh I think I respect But most guys react like, what?
• 8:17
  It takes making a cojones. They're rejecting you because they expect an ego thing. And I'm not.
• 8:22
  It's opposite. I actually. And it's not an ego thing to be honest.
• 8:26
  Right. Which is what they're doing. They're being honest. Right.
• 8:28
  And they should have the ability.
• 8:31
  If I have the ability. If someone's not my preference or whatever. Right.
• 8:36
  I have the option to be like no i'm not interested they should have the same
• 8:40
  option to tell me yep that they're not exactly,
• 8:43
  and you do that as well you do speak your mind i have i'm the exact opposite i will sit there and go
• 8:48
  oh my god well you're very attractive and you're a wonderful person and and
• 8:52
  then i'll look for some reason
• 8:54
  i try to be honest like um it's just right now i'm just not seeking or i'll
• 8:59
  try to come up with some reason to to say no instead of just saying no Like,
• 9:03
  no, I don't want to, you know? Yeah.
• 9:08
  And when I was younger, that got me into trouble a lot sexually because I would
• 9:13
  have sex with people that I didn't want to.
• 9:16
  And you know what I mean? Because I found it very difficult to say no.
• 9:19
  And I know that's hard to believe, but when I was younger, I was very attractive.
• 9:26
  I was. The interviews are amazing. The boat interview, I love it,
• 9:29
  you know? Oh, the what? Was it on a boat? A cruise?
• 9:34
  Oh, the cruise ship! Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That was awesome.
• 9:37
  Yeah. Oh, right on, right on, yeah.
• 9:40
  I used to work hosting cruise ships, shows and documentaries on...
• 9:47
  And they were full-out sex cruises.
• 9:50
  800 people, clothing optional, full penetration shows.
• 9:56
  It was a staff on the ship that had been trained to accept what they were about to see on the cruise.
• 10:04
  And it was the only ship in the world that was deregulated. It was allowing anything goes.
• 10:11
  And it was an actual cruise line.
• 10:14
  They don't exist anymore. They retired them. But we got them before they retired.
• 10:19
  It was an old school one, old school English cruise ship. So you can imagine.
• 10:25
  I mean they served tea they had like a tea service in the library on the ship
• 10:31
  if I was my age now and you were that age then I would have kidnapped you and took you down to,
• 10:38
  Juarez and made you a pool boy that could never escape I would have chained
• 10:42
  pool boy I would have jumped on that opportunity,
• 10:45
  literally jumped on that opportunity oh my god yeah oh yeah that was you would
• 10:51
  have loved it it was great it was great fun it was crazy fun but,
• 10:55
  I didn't get to have sex on the ship because I was working, like, 24-7.
• 10:59
  Yeah. Which was a bummer, because it was a lot of attractive men.
• 11:04
  And you know what? Here's the thing, too, in regards to kind of going along
• 11:07
  the lines of continuing with, like, rejection or people having the option to,
• 11:13
  you know, choose someone else, I guess. Yeah.
• 11:20
  Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality so not having that is good
• 11:24
  too oh yeah that's true yep because like i've talked to there was one person
• 11:29
  in particular who i was courting uh,
• 11:33
  i'm not going to mention um but uh he's british does not live in chicago um and he,
• 11:41
  was a snotty cunt when i started talking to him but like up until the point
• 11:45
  i was like oh this guy's so nice and then I like got my way to him and once
• 11:49
  we started talking I was like he ruined it it ruined it,
• 11:52
  she was just like a snotty bastard I have a story sort of similar to that I was just like fuck.
• 11:59
  Okay so there was this guy and he was a bartender at a bar in Arizona and he was blonde hair,
• 12:10
  extraordinarily striking in his face like super and he was a big old,
• 12:15
  big muscles and he would wear overalls farmers overalls with no shirt that's
• 12:20
  so funny and he had giant muscles giant like he was this big old massive man
• 12:25
  right and he's yeah so the it was my first time going into this bar,
• 12:29
  and i just sat there forever to build up the nerve to go ask for a drink because
• 12:34
  he was so gorgeous and the music was really loud so you know i was sitting there
• 12:38
  standing in the corner and i was just like,
• 12:40
  that man cannot be possibly be that freaking amazing looking and be gay because
• 12:46
  he was so buff so giant and so finally i built up and i went up to him and i was like hey,
• 12:52
  um could i have a back in the cubra libre because that's what we drank back
• 12:56
  in the 80s and he said sure girl i'll get you one right away,
• 13:01
  And I'm, my whole fantasy just went.
• 13:06
  I was like, wow, wow. I'm just not into, I mean, I'm not judging,
• 13:12
  but the femme thing, it doesn't work for me. Yeah. And that's okay. Yeah. It's okay.
• 13:17
  Like we were saying, but, um, but I have slept with femmes before only because
• 13:22
  I felt like how rude to say no, just because you're a femme.
• 13:26
  But it's, I should say that I also at that time discovered that it's true.
• 13:31
  I don't like it i'm not i'm not attracted to femininity it's it's you know yeah,
• 13:38
  i know a lot of people like that you know i think things like that,
• 13:43
  i know more about what i'm not willing to do than what i'm you know yeah because
• 13:49
  things can change or whatever but like that's kind of i'm.
• 13:57
  We have all these things that like this would be ideal but like then there's
• 14:00
  things that like break off and they're like oh okay you know there's all the
• 14:03
  exceptions like for me it's like everything gets thrown out the window if somebody's
• 14:05
  like really funny or like they just feel comfortable to be around yeah because like
• 14:09
  you know all those qualifiers that like i had before like i've just they just
• 14:13
  get thrown out the window because it's more interesting than
• 14:15
  anything aesthetic you know yeah it's true it's true i have um like uh there's,
• 14:22
  um i'm gonna just i'm going to just throw it out there the um,
• 14:26
  the building maintenance guy at this place that i work at you know that i manage um he's uh,
• 14:33
  not at all what i would ordinarily i like um he i like irish i like uh irish and i like irish,
• 14:42
  i'm not even kidding you that's i mean i i don't know why i'm way into it and
• 14:46
  um so he's this a little skinny latino guy um old like me you know and really
• 14:53
  sweet really great worker and stuff like that and,
• 14:57
  uh he came in one day i don't know what was happening for some reason uh.
• 15:02
  There was an energy between us that we were talking really close face to face
• 15:06
  and uh and it was kind of flirtatious and all of a sudden the next thing i know
• 15:11
  is we were kissing Thank you.
• 15:13
  Which never in a million years did I think would happen. And then what really
• 15:18
  struck me was he was a really good kisser and I don't like kissing.
• 15:24
  And I liked kissing him. Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah.
• 15:28
  And I haven't experienced that. Wait, he was a good kisser? He was.
• 15:32
  And I hadn't experienced that for decades. I have not been like let anyone in
• 15:37
  the back door for like 15 years.
• 15:40
  I have not kissed people, like, you know, tongue and made out and stuff like
• 15:44
  that for like 20 years. I'm just, it's very difficult for me to get that intimate with someone.
• 15:51
  And he was really good. And it kind of shook my world because now I'm like...
• 15:58
  I guess it doesn't matter what they look like. All of that goes,
• 16:02
  like you said, out the window.
• 16:03
  Because the level of intimacy at that moment was so intense that it made me
• 16:09
  realize that you don't know who's going to turn you on. You don't know what it looks like. Yeah.
• 16:15
  You don't know what. There's things that we just communicate that aren't voice.
• 16:19
  Somebody can look or like somebody, the way somebody walks or. Yep.
• 16:24
  Or they have the ability to flick the switches on and wake you up in that way.
• 16:29
  And you're like, what? Is this person actually making me feel like this?
• 16:33
  Wow. I didn't expect it. And he's smaller than I am. And I like guys that are
• 16:37
  taller than I am. You know what I mean? That kind of thing.
• 16:40
  So he totally goes against everything. But it's exactly what you were talking
• 16:45
  about. Like, you don't know.
• 16:46
  You have no clue until you're sitting there. But anyways.
• 16:49
  So and like um i'm uh in terms of like my my playbook you're like exactly
• 16:56
  and i'm and i'm not saying this because i i want to suck your dick i'm saying
• 17:00
  this because but you're in my playbook you're like the tall guy with the big butt you know,
• 17:07
  and everything else tiny butt yeah oh yeah,
• 17:11
  from your bike riding actually it's just your bike riding it goes from spine
• 17:15
  to anus I have literally no ass. Yes, you do.
• 17:18
  You have a big booty. It just goes flat. You mean? Spine to English.
• 17:22
  Contradictive. You love being contradictive.
• 17:25
  It's not true. He has a great ass.
• 17:27
  But anyways, what else should we talk about?
• 17:32
  I think once you're talking about the great ass, you're kind of changed the subject a lot.
• 17:40
  Hmm well one i'll comment on asses yeah um i noticed that there's always exceptions
• 17:47
  especially like genetically that goes all over the place but i often notice that a guy,
• 17:53
  a guy with like a belly usually is a good butt,
• 17:57
  because they kind of like you know like cosine and cosine or like two symbols
• 18:01
  that go like that it's kind of like if you have a belly but it just kind of
• 18:05
  like balances out in this way yes you know,
• 18:08
  yeah guys that i've dated have been like that i'm like i kind of like this you
• 18:10
  know yes because it'll just kind of go like this in the front and go like that
• 18:13
  in the back you know i do i do 30 minutes every morning of like an aerobics
• 18:18
  thing yeah but you know old person version,
• 18:21
  uh because i um i'm a firm believer that your butt should be firm,
• 18:26
  so i kind of like don't want it to get all saggy slaggy but um yeah and it's
• 18:31
  it's um misleading because i i look like i'm fat but if but i'm like actually very toned Solid, yeah.
• 18:38
  So, but it's because I do work out, it just,
• 18:42
  The fat loves me, and that's probably why mosquitoes dine on me frequently is
• 18:46
  because I'm a big old buffet for them. But anyways.
• 18:52
  Why would you need a six-pack when you have a gas tank built for a six-pack?
• 18:55
  Hell yeah. The keg is right here. It's a keg, exactly.
• 18:59
  Yes. Keg, gas tank. Yes. So anyways, it was good talking to you.
• 19:05
  Yeah, always. I love when you come over. We have to do this.
• 19:07
  We will do this again because you come over to visit every once in a while.
• 19:10
  Yeah. And you're a good yapper.
• 19:13
  Very good. I try. Right on. I can be a bit verbose. I was called that once.
• 19:18
  You can articulate. Exactly. You're an articulate motherfucker.
• 19:23
  Right on. So I guess we just say goodnight now to everybody.
• 19:26
  Or goodbye. I don't even know what time of day they watch.
• 19:29
  Spay and neuter your humans. Spay and neuter your humans. Your breeders. Right, exactly.
• 19:34
  Slow down, breeders. There's enough. There's enough of us.
• 19:37
  That's what I always think. There's enough of us. We don't need any more.
• 19:40
  Slow down. give it a break for a year or two.
• 19:43
  Not everybody has to have kids.
• 19:46
  Oh. Yeah. All right. That's going to be controversial, right?
• 19:51
  Maybe a little bit. You love controversy. I'll be controversial. Yeah. Okay.
• 19:56
  I think there should be a twink holocaust. I'm tired of twinks.
• 19:58
  We need to get rid of them. A twink holocaust? Twink holocaust.
• 20:01
  They need to be rid of. I'm tired of them. I don't like guys that are younger,
• 20:04
  so I need to get rid of them.
• 20:05
  However, they will be made of use when they're taken away by me.
• 20:10
  I'll keep their shoes. So we'll reuse the shoes, but we'll get rid of them.
• 20:13
  Like the Swiss bank? You're going to put all their shoes in the Swiss bank? What?
• 20:17
  Oh, is it? You don't remember? Okay, during the Holocaust. They put everybody's
• 20:22
  teeth and their glasses and their shoes and anything they had of value.
• 20:26
  And the Swiss banks. I had a bad joke about Hitler having a foot fetish.
• 20:31
  And that's why he collected all those shoes. Oh, my God. Because it's too easy of a joke.
• 20:34
  That is so wrong. On so many levels. I mean, you know, it's. Wow.
• 20:40
  And I'm not serious about it. to call it.
• 20:43
  He's not serious. But it would be funny. You guys, he's seriously.
• 20:45
  You know what? If I was serious, you know what would happen?
• 20:47
  There would be twink deniers.
• 20:49
  So that would be a problem. Oh, yeah. Twink deniers would have to come along.
• 20:53
  Oh, because of, yeah, because of the Holocaust deniers. Yeah. Wow.
• 20:58
  Twink, huh? The twinks. You're going after the twinks. You're over it?
• 21:02
  Although it's totally subjective, because I could be like, oh,
• 21:05
  not that one. You know what I mean?
• 21:07
  There's a couple good ones. There's a couple good ones. Right.
• 21:10
  And what about the guards that are guarding them at the camp?
• 21:13
  They're going to be like, okay, what about, you know, the twink?
• 21:16
  They can't be gay. They'd have to be straight.
• 21:19
  Well, twinks are better at, you know, converting a straight guy than us hairy,
• 21:26
  macho, gay people. No, we're not hairy, macho.
• 21:28
  They're skinny and they don't eat anyway, so that's already done.
• 21:30
  So we just need to, like, not female a bit and then kind of.
• 21:35
  What is it? Okay, wait, let's get to the root of this problem.
• 21:39
  What twink stepped all over your heart? No, I'm just not into younger guys.
• 21:42
  They kind of like, I'm just like, yeah, get away from me.
• 21:45
  Oh, really? I'm not either. I'm not either. I'm not either. I like older guys.
• 21:48
  They can be like wild and fun, but I like kind of guys that have like a story
• 21:51
  to tell and they're calm and they're confident in themselves,
• 21:53
  which tends to be older men.
• 21:55
  Yeah, I don't like people who drag their words like, oh God, I'm not going.
• 22:02
  What are you, crazy? everything answer a question.
• 22:07
  Yeah oh yeah or like and then like I was like oh but the dragging of the words
• 22:12
  once you start writing a statement will be a question it's like I'm going to the park,
• 22:18
  is it a statement or a question do you like roller coasters are you a fan I
• 22:25
  love roller coasters I haven't gone in a long time kind of like this conversation
• 22:30
  where are they going it's a roller coasters It was a ride.
• 22:34
  Ah, so many tricks. So you have so many tracks, tricks.
• 22:39
  No, like tricks, like on a recording and then tricks. I thought you said tricks.
• 22:44
  I was like, so many tricks. So many tricks, too. Tricks are for kids. No, they're not.
• 22:48
  Just kidding. Wow, that was inappropriate. We better stop before we get too
• 22:52
  inappropriate, you guys. We'll see you later. Take it easy. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.