Latest / Jess Ask / Healing Father-Daughter Wounds | FT Corene Gardner | EP75

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Healing Father-Daughter Wounds | FT Corene Gardner | EP75 · Jess Ask

0:07
Speaker 1: Yo, it's your girl, Jessica and Smith, and you already
0:10
Speaker 1: know that you've entered the safe space for influencers to
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Speaker 1: decompress half fun and just ask God for another day?
0:18
Speaker 1: Do you already know what it is?
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Speaker 2: And then you know it's about to get real, so
0:22
Speaker 2: be sure to.
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Speaker 1: Show your girl the love and like subscribe God for
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Speaker 1: another day.
0:30
Speaker 3: Hey, hey, I know we could be another way.
0:37
Speaker 1: Oh we are here, and I'm nervous. I'm so nervous.
0:44
Speaker 1: Do you know what I'm nervous? I'm about to tell you.
0:46
Speaker 1: But if you don't know where you just landed, you
0:48
Speaker 1: landed it just as the podcast when we create a
0:50
Speaker 1: safe space for influencers to decompress half on and guess what,
0:54
Speaker 1: just as it's your girl Jessica as Smith and I'm
0:57
Speaker 1: super excited about today because you know today is first Thursday,
1:01
Speaker 1: and you know what we do on first Thursday, We
1:03
Speaker 1: go beyond the poor pit. But before I introduce my guess,
1:07
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do you introduce your favorite person? Here we go,
1:10
Speaker 1: desil Rate, Hey a Rate, Hey Deliraate, that's all right,
1:14
Speaker 1: that's all right, no camera, Hey, y'all. Welcome to just
1:20
Speaker 1: as a podcast when we create a safe space for
1:22
Speaker 1: influencers because I mean fun and just until we get
1:27
Speaker 1: the equipment needed, I'm going to announce it every every episode,
1:31
Speaker 1: so y'all know that when your soul, it's going into
1:35
Speaker 1: the podcast and look what gives us what we need.
1:38
Speaker 1: And if somebody just want to donate a camera, we're
1:40
Speaker 1: gonna do that. I don't know what we need to donate,
1:42
Speaker 1: you know why because des ray don't let me help
1:45
Speaker 1: her on this side of the on that side, but
1:47
Speaker 1: we're gonna We're gonna deliver her from God. God is
1:51
Speaker 1: good all the time, all the time. Deliraate. Tell the
1:54
Speaker 1: people how you feeling? Says, they can't see you. I
1:56
Speaker 1: feel amazing? Do you I do? Do you how amazing?
2:00
Speaker 1: Do you feel? Like? Super super? Are you excited about
2:03
Speaker 1: today's guess? Because I know she's a favorite of you.
2:05
Speaker 1: I love her so much. You know I'm nerves nervous.
2:11
Speaker 1: You read I'm nerves, and you would think that I
2:16
Speaker 1: wouldn't be so nervous. But sometimes the Lord just be
2:19
Speaker 1: trying to tell you what's about the cane and just
2:23
Speaker 1: to prepare yourself because the young lady that we have
2:27
Speaker 1: here is it is annointed. But before I get into that.
2:31
Speaker 1: It's it's interesting that I have her here at this point,
2:34
Speaker 1: at this in this space that we're in. Do y'all
2:37
Speaker 1: know the space we in? Yes? Uh huh. I just
2:39
Speaker 1: had an epiphany. I just had an epiphany. It's where
2:46
Speaker 1: Missus Nettle's places Epiphany and trust the Okay, Epiphany Hair
2:49
Speaker 1: Fashion Boutique. And we are so honored that she decided
2:53
Speaker 1: to sponsor us for this episode. And I love that
2:57
Speaker 1: this episode it is connected to our special guests for
3:01
Speaker 1: the day, because Baby, when I tell you you walk
3:06
Speaker 1: down from head to toe, hair gonna be laid, nothing
3:10
Speaker 1: is gonna be out of out of sight. That makeup
3:13
Speaker 1: is gonna be beat. For the gods, the the the shirt, pants, dress,
3:18
Speaker 1: whatever she decided to put on that body, it's gonna
3:20
Speaker 1: be snatched. Them feet always gonna be done. The nails, Hello,
3:23
Speaker 1: she's gonna be able to rock them. And the shoes
3:26
Speaker 1: they're always gonna compliment. Nothing out out of order, nothing,
3:31
Speaker 1: nothing out of order, okay, And oh don't don't forget.
3:34
Speaker 1: You might smell it before you see it this okay,
3:37
Speaker 1: when the door swing open, I smell it right now.
3:40
Speaker 1: I feel I feel I don't know if it's the
3:42
Speaker 1: glory or the perfume. I don't know what it is,
3:45
Speaker 1: but I smell it right now. Listen, this woman of
3:48
Speaker 1: God is very special to me. Who no, get out
3:51
Speaker 1: of there, get out, don't go to that place. Y'all
3:56
Speaker 1: gonna know in a minute. Okay, thank you, thank you
4:03
Speaker 1: for not letting me look crazy. I was introducing, turn
4:07
Speaker 1: to go the way right right? Thank you. You know,
4:15
Speaker 1: y'all get it all here. Okay, mistakes and now we
4:19
Speaker 1: always wrong. But the woman of God that I have
4:23
Speaker 1: here is very special to me. She is a renowned
4:27
Speaker 1: woman of God. She has been in a lot of territories.
4:30
Speaker 1: First of all, she has served our country, so we
4:32
Speaker 1: appreciate her for that. She is a mother, a wife
4:38
Speaker 1: to somebody that y'all already met with, So she's a wife.
4:43
Speaker 1: She is a content creator, okay. She is a teacher.
4:47
Speaker 1: She is a fashionist, she is a confidence coach. She
4:51
Speaker 1: is a lot of things. But most importantly, she is
4:54
Speaker 1: a daughter of the King. And she is not ashamed
4:57
Speaker 1: to say that. Okay, I love this woman of God.
4:59
Speaker 1: Why because she is my pastor. She is my pastor.
5:03
Speaker 1: I have none other than the anointed, the appointed, the beautiful,
5:08
Speaker 1: the wonderful, the talented, the renowned Corine Gardener. Hey, y'all,
5:27
Speaker 1: because if you know, just just raise your hands, if
5:31
Speaker 1: you know, I don't care wherever you are. Very far
5:34
Speaker 1: here my Kurt Fragrance spell listen. I call her PC,
5:39
Speaker 1: so I don't want y'all get confused. That's just me, y'all,
5:41
Speaker 1: call her miss Gardener whatever, whatever, lane, y'all, but she's
5:45
Speaker 1: my pastor, So I'm called PC. Okay, PC. Hey, how
5:49
Speaker 1: are you? I'm doing good? You're doing good, I really am.
5:53
Speaker 1: And I can say that we're confidence, oh, because you
5:55
Speaker 1: are the confidence all as well. Now we're not gonna
5:59
Speaker 1: speak on yesterday, m because and we ain't gonna speak
6:02
Speaker 1: on tomorrow because the Bible says let a word about itself,
6:05
Speaker 1: but today all as well. So you already coming for
6:09
Speaker 1: the juggle. It ain't been five minutes you came in
6:15
Speaker 1: with the oil because I immediately, like moments before you
6:17
Speaker 1: walked in the door, I immediately got nervous. And I
6:20
Speaker 1: know you like I am learning ministry through you, I
6:25
Speaker 1: am learning femininity. How did I say that? Right here?
6:32
Speaker 1: Did femininity through you? And we talk about that all
6:36
Speaker 1: the time as far as not even just dress, but
6:39
Speaker 1: just character, and I love that. So for the people
6:42
Speaker 1: that don't know about you, I want to give you
6:44
Speaker 1: an opportunity because one of the things I don't like,
6:47
Speaker 1: uh in our society is that people don't get to
6:49
Speaker 1: speak up for themselves. Everybody worried about another word. I
6:52
Speaker 1: want to give you opportunity to tell the people about yourself.
6:55
Speaker 1: What who is Kareem Gardner? Wow? Thank you, Thank you
6:59
Speaker 1: for this opportunity to share my story. I get asked
7:04
Speaker 1: at a lot like who are you? What do you do?
7:06
Speaker 1: Where are you from? How did you get to this place?
7:08
Speaker 1: But I don't feel like I just arrived. I don't
7:12
Speaker 1: feel like this just happened as far as where I
7:16
Speaker 1: am and who I am today without sharing the power
7:20
Speaker 1: of my testimony, like a lot of people that know
7:23
Speaker 1: me know me, I grew up small town Georgia, and
7:27
Speaker 1: so growing up I grew up sheltered. I would say
7:32
Speaker 1: that shelter like my mom was really really strict on me,
7:35
Speaker 1: and that's probably why I am who I am to say,
7:39
Speaker 1: because of the tight least she had me on and
7:42
Speaker 1: so I wanted to, of course fit in with everybody,
7:44
Speaker 1: do what everybody else was doing. But my mom was adamant,
7:47
Speaker 1: you're not doing that. You're gonna stick to this, this
7:50
Speaker 1: is gonna be your regimen. So, growing up mostly in
7:54
Speaker 1: a single parent home, my dad was addicted to drugs
7:57
Speaker 1: and alcohol most of my life. For the as far
8:00
Speaker 1: back as I can remember, he was addicted to drugs
8:03
Speaker 1: and alcohol, which put a very hard strain on my family.
8:06
Speaker 1: So my mom really raised us as a single mom.
8:09
Speaker 1: And so once I graduated from high school, I went
8:12
Speaker 1: straight to the military, straight telling me I had to
8:15
Speaker 1: I had to get away, get away, get away. And
8:17
Speaker 1: so during my journey in the military, I thought I
8:19
Speaker 1: was going to be a cowgirl, y'all. I went to Texas,
8:22
Speaker 1: and I thought I was finna really turn up and
8:25
Speaker 1: do the things. The Lord snatched me at eighteen years old.
8:32
Speaker 1: I got saved, and got saved for real. I ain't
8:34
Speaker 1: on my in and out ducking and dodging like my
8:36
Speaker 1: mama would say. I got saved for real. And shortly
8:39
Speaker 1: after that, I married the love of my life. We
8:42
Speaker 1: dated for nine months and got married and we've been
8:46
Speaker 1: married for almost twenty two years today. And so I
8:50
Speaker 1: can't say that I grew up in a struggle life
8:53
Speaker 1: because I did not. I was. I was sheltered. But
8:57
Speaker 1: when my mom and dad separated, that was a hard
8:59
Speaker 1: hit for me because I was a daddy's girl, Like,
9:01
Speaker 1: you can't tell me that my daddy. Yeah, today you
9:04
Speaker 1: can't tell me nothing. He's gone on to be with
9:06
Speaker 1: the Lord. You still can't tell me nothing about my daddy.
9:08
Speaker 1: But as an adult, I understand his struggle with addiction,
9:12
Speaker 1: but as a kid, it didn't make sense to me.
9:15
Speaker 1: I went from loving my dad to hating my dad
9:18
Speaker 1: because I felt like he chose that life over his family.
9:23
Speaker 1: So I went through a spiral of self esteem issues.
9:26
Speaker 1: I went through rejection. I went through seasons of hate
9:31
Speaker 1: and bitterness in my heart, and then sometimes I would
9:35
Speaker 1: have that hating bitterness towards my mom because it's like,
9:37
Speaker 1: what did you do to make dad do this? And
9:40
Speaker 1: why did you leave? You know what I'm saying. So
9:43
Speaker 1: I went through a season of not knowing who I was.
9:46
Speaker 1: You know, this beautiful chocolate skin that you see now,
9:48
Speaker 1: I didn't like it when I was a young girl.
9:51
Speaker 1: So I went through identity issues and just a lot
9:54
Speaker 1: of things connected to the loss and the grieving of
9:57
Speaker 1: my parents' marriage and so coming into adulthood. I brought
10:01
Speaker 1: those same struggles into my marriage, same struggles rejection, low
10:06
Speaker 1: self esteem, and I was ready for my husband. Okay,
10:08
Speaker 1: so when you're gonna leave, hold up, when it's gonna
10:12
Speaker 1: be over, because I know this is coming, because this
10:14
Speaker 1: is what I'm used to. And he's looking at me like,
10:17
Speaker 1: what are you talking about? So I bring an unhealed
10:20
Speaker 1: kareem into this marriage and now it's affecting my marriage
10:24
Speaker 1: because I'm every time some conflict come, when you're gonna leave,
10:29
Speaker 1: you can go. Now, stop trying to be my dad
10:31
Speaker 1: and he's he doesn't understand that I'm speaking from a
10:34
Speaker 1: broken place. And at that point, I didn't even know
10:36
Speaker 1: why I was broken. So when you're not aware, you
10:40
Speaker 1: hurt the people around you. And so going through that
10:44
Speaker 1: and God delivering me from rejection and bitterness and hatred
10:49
Speaker 1: and distrust because how you married and you don't trust,
10:54
Speaker 1: how you in a full blown committed relationship, you still
10:57
Speaker 1: got trust issues. So that was something that God had
11:00
Speaker 1: to really deal with me with and break that down
11:03
Speaker 1: and going through my own personal healing journey outside of
11:06
Speaker 1: my husband, because I had to do it for me.
11:09
Speaker 1: So healing going through the military like you said, I
11:13
Speaker 1: deployed to Iraq. The first year of my marriage, I
11:15
Speaker 1: was gone, Yeah, I was. I was deployed in i Rat.
11:18
Speaker 1: So coming back, I was a new law wedded and
11:20
Speaker 1: it was year two. So the first year y'all were
11:23
Speaker 1: not to get You're separated the first year of marriage.
11:25
Speaker 1: How was that? How was that space of being married
11:28
Speaker 1: but not together? That was difficult? I get you can
11:32
Speaker 1: definitely imagine that. That was difficult. Trying to build a
11:35
Speaker 1: bomb and you only been dating nine months. Now you're married.
11:38
Speaker 1: Now you're separated for an entire year. So that was
11:41
Speaker 1: extremely hard on our marriage because when I got back,
11:45
Speaker 1: it was almost like we had to relive that first
11:47
Speaker 1: year again because I wasn't there. So going through you know, arguments,
11:50
Speaker 1: getting used to each other, like you're really gonna leave
11:52
Speaker 1: that on the floor like that, You're not gonna you're
11:54
Speaker 1: not gonna pick that up. That's that's what we're doing,
11:57
Speaker 1: you know, stuff like that, like getting used to staying
11:59
Speaker 1: with something. And I'm only nineteen and he's twenty one.
12:04
Speaker 1: So that was a challenge in itself. Two teenagers living
12:08
Speaker 1: life together, married young in God, trying to work this
12:12
Speaker 1: thing out and it's still trying to find ourselves and
12:15
Speaker 1: uncovering stuff that had been hidden. So it's so interesting
12:20
Speaker 1: that you, first of all you said a lot. I'm sorry, no, no, no, no,
12:24
Speaker 1: it's good because I'm like, ooh, Jesus, I donna have
12:26
Speaker 1: to keep up with her because you don't even know
12:28
Speaker 1: that you're hitting on things right now. But even in
12:31
Speaker 1: that moment of where you mentioned that you were young
12:35
Speaker 1: at eighteen, you had just chosen to be for real
12:39
Speaker 1: about God or just dedicated your life to Christ right now.
12:42
Speaker 1: I managed a relationship as I'm entering a marriage at nineteen,
12:48
Speaker 1: Like how do you juggle both? It's like you got
12:51
Speaker 1: a double woman, Like I gotta learn God and I
12:53
Speaker 1: got to learn you too. How did you balance this?
12:56
Speaker 1: It was difficult because again I'm eighteen. I haven't even
13:00
Speaker 1: really discover who I am just yet. I'm still walking
13:02
Speaker 1: in and through identity as a woman now, as a wife, now,
13:06
Speaker 1: as a woman of God. So I had the expectations
13:08
Speaker 1: of the world on me. Like when I first got married,
13:11
Speaker 1: my family was totally against it, like you're too young
13:15
Speaker 1: to be married. You don't know what that is to
13:16
Speaker 1: be a wife, Like what are you doing? You're a
13:18
Speaker 1: baby still and granted, most of that was probably right,
13:23
Speaker 1: if we want to be honest about it, all of
13:26
Speaker 1: us were right, you know, but I had to learn
13:29
Speaker 1: how to be all of those things, and that was
13:32
Speaker 1: a lot of pressure for me. So at that time
13:35
Speaker 1: I had a female pastor, so I instead of coming
13:39
Speaker 1: into my own identity, I made the mistake of making
13:42
Speaker 1: my identity her identity talk about it, and so that
13:46
Speaker 1: was a huge mistake because now you've lived fourteen years
13:50
Speaker 1: as somebody that you're not fourteen one four So okay,
13:55
Speaker 1: let's make Nate this practical. Fourteen years from what point
13:58
Speaker 1: of what age were you when you met her? Her?
14:00
Speaker 1: Eighteen eighteen? So that's thirty two, right, you were thirty
14:06
Speaker 1: two when you had the revelations? Okay, eighteen Okay, I'm
14:09
Speaker 1: just so from eighteen to thirty two, I'm dealing with
14:17
Speaker 1: issues with my mama. Are you still in this strained
14:22
Speaker 1: relationship with your dad or trying to understand the hate
14:26
Speaker 1: or what were you with your dad? Half of that
14:28
Speaker 1: was still strained. But the more God dealt with my
14:31
Speaker 1: heart concerning it, and the more mature I got got
14:35
Speaker 1: helped me to heal through that and help me to
14:37
Speaker 1: see it from a he's six standpoint, and not that
14:41
Speaker 1: he necessarily chose this. You know, you see what I'm saying.
14:45
Speaker 1: So it was more me understanding his struggle. And so
14:48
Speaker 1: then I would go from not going to visit when
14:51
Speaker 1: I go home to Okay, let me go out here
14:52
Speaker 1: and check on my dad. At that point, was he
14:55
Speaker 1: because I know you said your dad passed away? Did
14:59
Speaker 1: he pass away from illness or did he pass away
15:01
Speaker 1: from the addiction? My dad was cleaned the last three
15:04
Speaker 1: years of his life. He had gone through his journey
15:08
Speaker 1: to healing and being delivered, and he actually accepted the
15:11
Speaker 1: Lord Jesus as his personal savior before he died. So
15:13
Speaker 1: that was, Oh, that it's safe. That was the turning
15:34
Speaker 1: point for me being able to journey with him through
15:41
Speaker 1: those last three years. Was I believe that God orchestrated it? Yeah,
15:48
Speaker 1: because I moved from Texas to Tennessee and the way
15:53
Speaker 1: that God did that, I was able to be close
15:55
Speaker 1: to him his last year. So I'm sorry, No, don't apologize.
16:02
Speaker 1: We're about to get some tissue for you. So because
16:04
Speaker 1: I just see it, Oh, we went there went, I
16:06
Speaker 1: just did this make up like it's gonna still be
16:09
Speaker 1: beat after you touch me, don't want to do all this.
16:14
Speaker 1: So journeying through that last three years, I really believed
16:19
Speaker 1: that it was God ordained and all a part of
16:22
Speaker 1: my story to my healing journey with my dad. Because
16:26
Speaker 1: a lot of people were still stuck on what was
16:30
Speaker 1: in our relationship, they didn't get to enjoy the beauty
16:33
Speaker 1: of what was happening. And so his last three years,
16:38
Speaker 1: I felt like I didn't know that he was gonna pass,
16:41
Speaker 1: but I felt as though God knew, and that our
16:47
Speaker 1: healing and our restoration was all a part of that.
16:52
Speaker 1: And I say that because when he got clean, I
16:55
Speaker 1: remember he had got locked up for possession and and
17:00
Speaker 1: I went home to visit him in jail. He didn't
17:02
Speaker 1: want us to see him like that. He was like,
17:03
Speaker 1: I don't want you all to come visit me. I
17:05
Speaker 1: don't want you to see me behind bars. But I
17:07
Speaker 1: was adamant about getting there. I took a Bible and
17:10
Speaker 1: I gave that Bible to my dad while he was
17:12
Speaker 1: locked up, And when he got out, it was almost
17:16
Speaker 1: like his life turned around because he began his healing journey.
17:21
Speaker 1: And the last I remember, the Christmas twenty fourteen, I'll
17:26
Speaker 1: never forget this Christmas. I went home and that was
17:29
Speaker 1: the first year that I had ever bought my dad
17:32
Speaker 1: a Christmas gift. Wow. And when I bought him an
17:37
Speaker 1: outfit in some shoes, and that was that. Probably was
17:40
Speaker 1: like that's nothing, girl, Like, why are you bragging about that?
17:42
Speaker 1: But that meant everything to me because it was who
17:46
Speaker 1: I knew him to be. It was the dad I
17:48
Speaker 1: remembered prior to me being aware of his addiction. So
17:51
Speaker 1: that outfit symbolized what I knew to be him. Right.
17:56
Speaker 1: So I gave him the outfit and he was like,
17:58
Speaker 1: you don't have to give me this. You know, it's okay,
18:00
Speaker 1: you don't have to give me a gift. And I said,
18:02
Speaker 1: I know what. I don't have to, but I want to.
18:05
Speaker 1: And I gave him that outfit and he would. I
18:08
Speaker 1: still got the picture him wearing this outfit, and that Christmas,
18:11
Speaker 1: we stood out of my grandma's yard, my grandma's front yard,
18:14
Speaker 1: and it was a family picture and m my mom
18:28
Speaker 1: was in the picture. We don't have family photos. Wow.
18:32
Speaker 1: Hm hm, my mom was in the picture. Even Jake
18:38
Speaker 1: was in the picture. Wo, that's my Yorky. Jake was
18:44
Speaker 1: in the picture. Sky's Eye and my niece, all of
18:48
Speaker 1: my mom's grandkids at the time were in the picture
18:50
Speaker 1: with my dad and we stood. Even Passagena was in
18:52
Speaker 1: the picture. We all stood in the yard and we
18:54
Speaker 1: took that picture, not knowing that that would be our
18:57
Speaker 1: last picture, our first aid and last pitt you that
19:02
Speaker 1: no point intended. So we took the picture and I
19:08
Speaker 1: went home again. That was in December. I went home
19:11
Speaker 1: again in January and I saw my dad and I
19:14
Speaker 1: looked at him and I said, what's wrong. I could
19:19
Speaker 1: sense the sickness on him. And I told my mom
19:22
Speaker 1: what's wrong with Dad? And she's like, I've been telling
19:25
Speaker 1: him to go to the doctor. I've been telling him
19:27
Speaker 1: to go to the doctor. He won't listen. So fast
19:30
Speaker 1: forward we find out that in that next year, that
19:35
Speaker 1: was January. We found out in July he had stage
19:38
Speaker 1: four cancer. Wow, by August he was gone. But in
19:46
Speaker 1: between that, in January, we moved to Tennessee, so I
19:49
Speaker 1: was no longer nineteen hours away from my dad. I
19:54
Speaker 1: was now seven hours so doing when we found out
19:57
Speaker 1: he was sick. Those three weeks between when we found
20:00
Speaker 1: out and when he passed, I was able to go
20:02
Speaker 1: home and help wash his face, bringing food, just care
20:07
Speaker 1: for him before he passed, and the restoration and the
20:13
Speaker 1: peace that I got during that time brought healing to
20:17
Speaker 1: the little girl me. I was back to Daddy's girl
20:22
Speaker 1: when he passed. So it wasn't to me, it wasn't
20:26
Speaker 1: about what other start of our relationship. When he passed,
20:32
Speaker 1: he and I knew what it was, and that was
20:35
Speaker 1: most important to me that we knew where our relationship was,
20:41
Speaker 1: where we stood, how God had mended it, and where
20:45
Speaker 1: he was going. So when he closes, I knew without
20:49
Speaker 1: a shadow of a doubt that my dad was going
20:51
Speaker 1: to happen. Now, if you'd asked me that about two
20:54
Speaker 1: three years, it would have been, well, we're gonna pray
20:56
Speaker 1: about that, We're gonna pray the Lord see him through.
20:59
Speaker 1: But I knew that he had accepted the Lord Jesus
21:03
Speaker 1: as his savior, and that forgiveness was a part of
21:07
Speaker 1: our journey because we reconciled, we forgave one another. And
21:13
Speaker 1: one of the things that his sister said, she said,
21:15
Speaker 1: when he knew that you was coming, he was so excited.
21:18
Speaker 1: He was like my baby. He kept looking out the
21:20
Speaker 1: one my baby, my baby coming to see me. She
21:22
Speaker 1: come to see about me. And I told him, I said, Dad,
21:25
Speaker 1: of course, of course I'm gonna be here. What did
21:27
Speaker 1: you think you know? And I remember getting ready to
21:31
Speaker 1: leave to come back to Tennessee to get my kids
21:34
Speaker 1: ready for school, and he said, tell my son in law,
21:38
Speaker 1: thank you for taking care of my baby. That was
21:41
Speaker 1: one of the last things my dad told me before
21:44
Speaker 1: he passed. Wow. And I said, I'm gonna tell I'm
21:47
Speaker 1: gonna tell him that. I said, but I'll be back.
21:49
Speaker 1: I'm coming right back, Dad, And he said I'll be here.
21:53
Speaker 1: I knew instantly when he said that he was not.
21:57
Speaker 1: I got home. It wasn't even forty hours and he
22:00
Speaker 1: was gone, Okay, I'm gonna let you breathe for a second.
22:05
Speaker 1: Because I told that story in a while, I'm surprised.
22:10
Speaker 1: I'm like, wait a minute, why are you weeping? You're
22:13
Speaker 1: not sad about that. And that's why I want to
22:15
Speaker 1: ask you, like, what what comes up when you're able
22:18
Speaker 1: to discuss the relationship or the in the in the
22:22
Speaker 1: process and of you and your father's relationship. I think
22:27
Speaker 1: it's the healing that I've done emotionally and mentally when
22:33
Speaker 1: it comes to that relationship. Because anybody knows me, knows
22:37
Speaker 1: that I was a daddy's girl. I still am a
22:40
Speaker 1: daddy's girl. And that tear was detrimental to the turn
22:47
Speaker 1: that happened in my life and as far as me
22:50
Speaker 1: having like low self esteem and my confidence was low,
22:54
Speaker 1: and because I'm trying to figure out, like what happened,
22:57
Speaker 1: like why are we? Why am I the little girl
23:00
Speaker 1: that you bring bubblegum to anymore? Like my mom would
23:03
Speaker 1: tell me stories about me getting on the bus and
23:05
Speaker 1: being upset saying, I'm not getting off this bus, dadd
23:08
Speaker 1: unless you have a piece of bubblegum for me to
23:10
Speaker 1: chew on our way home. And she was like, he
23:12
Speaker 1: would be a sapsuck and bring it every single time
23:15
Speaker 1: just to get you off the bus because he knew
23:17
Speaker 1: you weren't going And so that would make me smile
23:20
Speaker 1: with those memories. And so to journey through going through hatred, pain, rejection,
23:28
Speaker 1: I hate you, dad, I don't want to see you.
23:30
Speaker 1: I'm not coming to see you when I come home.
23:32
Speaker 1: To go from that to being back a daddy's girl
23:35
Speaker 1: and to regaining my self esteem and my self worth,
23:39
Speaker 1: it was almost like that transition back to daddy's girl
23:43
Speaker 1: transitioned me back to my true identity. Okay, does it? Ray? I?
23:53
Speaker 1: This wasn't even the plan for today. And that's why
23:57
Speaker 1: earlier when you were asking me, what are we gonna
23:59
Speaker 1: talk about? I have something in my ad and the
24:02
Speaker 1: Lord brings us to another path. And I think it's
24:06
Speaker 1: interesting because I too am a daddy's girl. Daddy my
24:12
Speaker 1: dad raised me, and the relationship is interesting because, you know,
24:19
Speaker 1: because he was a single parent and I'm the oldest
24:21
Speaker 1: or whatever. Our relationship is kind of unique because there
24:24
Speaker 1: was more responsibility placed on me, and now with him
24:29
Speaker 1: going through cancer for a second time has allotted me
24:33
Speaker 1: the opportunity to realize what's important and the effort that
24:37
Speaker 1: has to put in quick quick rundown is that when
24:42
Speaker 1: I graduated, when I graduated in high school, six months later,
24:46
Speaker 1: probably six to seven months later, he married my now
24:49
Speaker 1: bonus mother, which he's beautiful. I love her, but at
24:51
Speaker 1: that point I couldn't stand her because she was interrupting
24:56
Speaker 1: the structure that I knew. She was interrupting my dad
25:00
Speaker 1: depending on me. She was interrupting my norm and I
25:06
Speaker 1: felt like I was being kicked out of my dad's life.
25:08
Speaker 1: I felt like I didn't really have proper positioning anymore,
25:11
Speaker 1: because if I'm honest, all I knew was to serve
25:15
Speaker 1: my dad in a way. But I know I didn't
25:18
Speaker 1: know how to be a daddy a proper even though
25:20
Speaker 1: I was a daddy's girl, I didn't know how to
25:22
Speaker 1: properly be a daddy's girl. And even now with him
25:27
Speaker 1: having cancer is giving me an opportunity. The Lord was
25:30
Speaker 1: telling me on the way here, who did know that?
25:38
Speaker 1: Who's cutting onions? Desertraate? He says, this season, you're gonna
25:46
Speaker 1: allow him to be your father. And although the cancer
25:52
Speaker 1: is bringing limitations to certain things, it's not. It's not
25:57
Speaker 1: discrediting him or making him to bring him to a
26:01
Speaker 1: place where he can't fother you as a thirty to
26:05
Speaker 1: year old woman, it's like, God, what does that look like?
26:08
Speaker 1: Have this conversation with him, Let him provide you wisdom
26:12
Speaker 1: through this. And so what you're saying is, I know
26:15
Speaker 1: if it's resonating with me, it's resonating with our audience.
26:19
Speaker 1: Because either we love our daddy or we hate our daddy,
26:25
Speaker 1: and both of us have had different opportunities. You can
26:29
Speaker 1: come on, because we should have just brought a box.
26:33
Speaker 1: I should have known what you, but knowing how to
26:43
Speaker 1: first forgive, That's what I hear you say, and then
26:46
Speaker 1: also giving them a chance to be what they need
26:49
Speaker 1: for you, for you to be what they need to
26:52
Speaker 1: be in the timing that they need to be it.
26:55
Speaker 1: And so there's there's almost a sense of gratitude that
26:59
Speaker 1: I'm hearing. Yeah, because I had to learn that my
27:05
Speaker 1: dad couldn't give me what he didn't have, and at
27:11
Speaker 1: the time where I felt like I needed him the
27:12
Speaker 1: mostion I'm they separated the summer of my I was
27:17
Speaker 1: going into the seventh grade, so I was eleven years old,
27:20
Speaker 1: ten eleven years old, depending on the month, and I
27:25
Speaker 1: felt like I needed him during that time. I'm eleven
27:29
Speaker 1: years old, I'm just starting to, you know, show signs
27:33
Speaker 1: of ooh boys, you know what I'm saying. I'm in
27:36
Speaker 1: that phase and developing in my hormones and I'm just
27:40
Speaker 1: starting my cycle and different stuff like that. So I'm
27:43
Speaker 1: having to compartmentalize the daddy that I knew and this addict.
27:52
Speaker 1: And then now we're separated, So the family structure that
27:56
Speaker 1: I knew now that's no more. Now I'm at a
27:59
Speaker 1: new school, I'm trying to make new friends, I'm trying
28:03
Speaker 1: to discover, so do I change who I am to
28:05
Speaker 1: fit in so I can make friends? And I shared
28:08
Speaker 1: this with my friend group last year because when I
28:12
Speaker 1: changed school, that was the best thing I could have.
28:17
Speaker 1: Man thinking about it now, I told my friends Candice,
28:20
Speaker 1: Toya and Mia and Tally. I told them, I said,
28:23
Speaker 1: you all came into my life at a pivotal time
28:27
Speaker 1: for me. I said, y'all had no idea the new
28:31
Speaker 1: girl at school what you did for me as an
28:34
Speaker 1: eleven year old. You provided me with friendship and security
28:38
Speaker 1: when everything else had just completely fell apart in my life.
28:44
Speaker 1: You all's friendship saved my life because I could have
28:51
Speaker 1: been in a downward spiral of depression, low self esteem,
28:56
Speaker 1: anxiety because I did not know, like I didn't have
28:59
Speaker 1: control as an eleven year old, I didn't have control
29:02
Speaker 1: of my field. I didn't know what to feel. All
29:05
Speaker 1: two of my siblings handle it in completely different ways.
29:10
Speaker 1: I felt like I became a recluse and just shut down.
29:14
Speaker 1: My older brother was he was violent, he was angry.
29:19
Speaker 1: I mean, if I share some stories about his coping
29:23
Speaker 1: with that, that's a whole nother episode. My youngest brother
29:26
Speaker 1: was too young to remember any of it. So he
29:29
Speaker 1: was kind of like the li a lot, I don't
29:32
Speaker 1: you know this is well, I don't know what y'all doing.
29:34
Speaker 1: I'm in a playworld, you know. And so as he
29:36
Speaker 1: got older, we would be like talking about my dad
29:39
Speaker 1: around him, like oh, he don't blah blah blah, and
29:41
Speaker 1: my mom be like, don't do that. Don't do that
29:44
Speaker 1: around him. That's not who he that's not what he
29:47
Speaker 1: understands about his Don't taint his version of his dad
29:51
Speaker 1: to him just because you all feel that way. Don't
29:53
Speaker 1: do that to him. And so we had to learn.
29:56
Speaker 1: And then that taught me how to, Okay, let me
29:58
Speaker 1: keep this bottled up on the inside. Then if I
30:00
Speaker 1: can't talk about it, it's not safe to talk about it.
30:04
Speaker 1: Now I have to internalize it. And it did more
30:06
Speaker 1: damage than good. And I know that wasn't my mom's intent.
30:10
Speaker 1: She was protecting my younger brother so he wouldn't see
30:14
Speaker 1: it how my older brother and I saw it. But
30:16
Speaker 1: for me, my friends, they saved my life. They didn't
30:19
Speaker 1: know that, and I don't. I didn't. I didn't come
30:21
Speaker 1: to that revelation until two years ago. And when I
30:23
Speaker 1: was thinking about it, I said you all came into
30:26
Speaker 1: my life. Well, it was full of transition. I was
30:30
Speaker 1: it was out of my life, was out of control.
30:32
Speaker 1: But when I met you all, you all brought stability
30:35
Speaker 1: to my life again because of your friendships, and it
30:39
Speaker 1: saved me. That's so interesting that you bring friendships because
30:43
Speaker 1: because in parenthood, I mean you know this as a
30:46
Speaker 1: print parent that and as a student now that that
30:51
Speaker 1: that is the home is where you first learned how
30:53
Speaker 1: to do relationship. And you bring up friendship and you
30:56
Speaker 1: got eleven years of having opportunities with your parents. It's like,
31:03
Speaker 1: I'm confused about the relationship. How do you develop good,
31:06
Speaker 1: unique relationships with outside people and there's pain there. That's
31:11
Speaker 1: a good question. I think my longing, my longing to
31:17
Speaker 1: be accepted, to be loved, and to be seen, helped
31:22
Speaker 1: me to build those relationships because at home, I felt
31:26
Speaker 1: like my mom was doing her very best to keep
31:29
Speaker 1: my older brother and my younger brother, three kids, and
31:33
Speaker 1: you the only provider. She was working her fingers to
31:37
Speaker 1: the bone, so a lot of my emotional upbringing was
31:41
Speaker 1: neglected because of that. She was there physically and she
31:45
Speaker 1: made sure we had and I honored my mom to
31:47
Speaker 1: this day. She made sure we had everything that we needed,
31:50
Speaker 1: but emotionally there was a void there for me, like
31:55
Speaker 1: being able to I'm proud of you, you know, and
31:58
Speaker 1: having that emotional connection. I felt like that's what I
32:01
Speaker 1: had with my dad. I felt seen with my dad
32:04
Speaker 1: from my mom, it wasn't so much so so me
32:09
Speaker 1: feeling validated through my friends, Like you know, they always
32:12
Speaker 1: tease me and say, well, you were the popular one,
32:14
Speaker 1: and I believe it, like what, you know, my best
32:17
Speaker 1: friend she was like, well, I was just hanging with
32:19
Speaker 1: I was. I was just your your flank. I was
32:21
Speaker 1: hanging with you. And I'm like, you know, she wouldn't
32:24
Speaker 1: use that word, you know. She was just like, I
32:26
Speaker 1: was just hanging along. You was the popular one. I
32:28
Speaker 1: was just right seating riding with you. And I was
32:30
Speaker 1: like I could like hearing that it is like cringey
32:33
Speaker 1: because I'm like, what, I didn't see it that way,
32:35
Speaker 1: you know. But feeling that validation from my friends like yeah,
32:40
Speaker 1: we want you, you want you to be a part of
32:41
Speaker 1: our group, like and feeling seen and heard and value
32:45
Speaker 1: it was easy for me because I was not getting
32:48
Speaker 1: that at home. So that outlet for me was important.
32:51
Speaker 1: So I was hanging with my friends all the time.
32:54
Speaker 1: When you saw them, you saw me, and when you
32:57
Speaker 1: saw them, you saw me. And we was together like
33:00
Speaker 1: all the time because we went to school together, we
33:03
Speaker 1: were in band together, and we hung out out to school.
33:05
Speaker 1: So that was my outlet that kept me sane, It
33:10
Speaker 1: really did. Their friendship kept me in school. It kept
33:14
Speaker 1: me in extracurricular activities like band and stuff like that.
33:18
Speaker 1: So I needed that even I felt the void at home.
33:24
Speaker 1: But my friendships is what kept me saying this is
33:30
Speaker 1: this is so good, Like I have chills going down.
33:34
Speaker 1: I hope it's making siense. No, it makes like when
33:37
Speaker 1: I tell you it makes too much sense because as
33:42
Speaker 1: you're talking literally, I feel like the Holy Spirit is
33:44
Speaker 1: allowing me to see myself like if I can be honest,
33:49
Speaker 1: like okay, you can bring this friendship into this point
33:54
Speaker 1: of my life where this hard transition and different steps.
33:58
Speaker 1: And I think that's why I had a hard time
34:00
Speaker 1: releasing certain friendships because I needed that relationship and that
34:08
Speaker 1: moment because I was really lacking and that friendship helped
34:12
Speaker 1: me get to the next point. So I can appreciate
34:14
Speaker 1: them for that and I can acknowledge that their their
34:19
Speaker 1: assignment at that point in time was up, but I
34:22
Speaker 1: took it so personal. I'm not I still sometimes take
34:26
Speaker 1: it personal, like some of the people that I can
34:28
Speaker 1: think about one person in particular right now, one of
34:33
Speaker 1: one of the hardest things I had to do was
34:35
Speaker 1: let her go, and I cried for days. As I
34:38
Speaker 1: cried for days friendship. I won't even call it a
34:41
Speaker 1: break up because it was just a distant singe and
34:45
Speaker 1: that that hurt worse than a relationship. Like what do
34:51
Speaker 1: you call that? Platonic? Yeah? No, not batnic? Romantic? Then
34:55
Speaker 1: what I'm looking for relationship? And so as you're talking,
34:58
Speaker 1: I feel like I am. I'm seeing myself. So you
35:01
Speaker 1: know I got to pull on your oil? Do I
35:04
Speaker 1: got permission to pull on the oil? Yes? Okay. So
35:08
Speaker 1: my question is pertaining to since we're on the Daddy's girl,
35:14
Speaker 1: how does one shift their understanding? Is Okay, I don't
35:19
Speaker 1: like my father right now too? Oh, I need to
35:22
Speaker 1: appreciate God, Like it don't make sense if my own
35:25
Speaker 1: daddy don't want me, if my own dady have issues,
35:27
Speaker 1: why should I trust a god that y'all say is perfect?
35:30
Speaker 1: I don't see your perfection in the natural, So what
35:34
Speaker 1: was your journey with understanding that there was a difference,
35:39
Speaker 1: but knowing that there was a need to understand God,
35:42
Speaker 1: to understand your father. For me, I've always been a
35:46
Speaker 1: church girl. Okay, my aunt make sure I was in church.
35:52
Speaker 1: It wasn't necessarily my mom that had me in the church.
35:55
Speaker 1: It was my aunt, my aunt Daphine. Shout out to
35:58
Speaker 1: AUNTI nessy, shout out. I even as a young girl,
36:04
Speaker 1: always loved to go to church. I was always a
36:06
Speaker 1: leader in church. Even as a youth. I was youth president,
36:10
Speaker 1: I was old the praise dance team, I was in
36:12
Speaker 1: the choir like I was always active in church even
36:14
Speaker 1: before that happened. And so I ain't now let's be
36:20
Speaker 1: clear and saying I was always doing the right thing
36:23
Speaker 1: in the church. Now, let's not get that. But you
36:27
Speaker 1: was that I was there. Now. I was there under
36:29
Speaker 1: the oar on the poor I missed the drip a
36:33
Speaker 1: couple of times, but you know, okay, But I was
36:40
Speaker 1: the one out of everybody in my household getting up
36:43
Speaker 1: going to Sunday school in the church. My brothers and
36:45
Speaker 1: my parents will be sleep, but I'm getting on this
36:47
Speaker 1: Sunday school bus because I felt like there was something
36:50
Speaker 1: for me. There would be times when my mom would
36:53
Speaker 1: be stressing out or crying about not having enough to
36:57
Speaker 1: pay the bills because more likely my dad than the
36:59
Speaker 1: smoke the rent money. I can remember going in my room,
37:04
Speaker 1: getting on my knees, praying and interceding. In the very
37:09
Speaker 1: next day, God would come through. Wow, and I used
37:13
Speaker 1: to be like, Woo, now this work this pro And
37:17
Speaker 1: so I learned at a very young age how to
37:19
Speaker 1: be an inecessor not even on what that was, but
37:22
Speaker 1: I knew if I pray to God, he gonna work
37:25
Speaker 1: this out, and he did it every single time. So
37:28
Speaker 1: growing up with that, when that disconnect came with my father,
37:32
Speaker 1: I knew to get back to the source. I knew
37:35
Speaker 1: the feelings that I felt of rejection, low self esteem, hurt, pain.
37:41
Speaker 1: I knew that I couldn't live life like that. I
37:43
Speaker 1: knew the the repercussions of what that could do to
37:47
Speaker 1: my heart and my spirit. The more I the more
37:49
Speaker 1: mature I got in God, the more I knew, you
37:52
Speaker 1: can't live life with this hurt and this pain. You
37:55
Speaker 1: gotta let this go. So I knew that I had
37:58
Speaker 1: to get back to God and say, God, help me,
38:01
Speaker 1: I don't want to operate like this because if I
38:03
Speaker 1: continue to let this rule my life, that I'm gonna
38:05
Speaker 1: spew that on other people that I love. And So
38:08
Speaker 1: when I got back to the source and really and
38:12
Speaker 1: was vulnerable with God to say this is how I feel.
38:15
Speaker 1: I'm mad, I'm upset, I'm disappointed, and I think that
38:20
Speaker 1: was the root of what I was going through. I
38:22
Speaker 1: was disappointed in my Dad. I was disappointed that I
38:28
Speaker 1: thought you was this, but you this for real. So
38:32
Speaker 1: I'm disappointed in that. And so with my disappointment, I
38:36
Speaker 1: had to take that to God, because sometimes do we
38:38
Speaker 1: get disappointed when things don't go our way in the
38:40
Speaker 1: Kingdom and we be expecting God to do one thing
38:43
Speaker 1: and He turned that thing around and do something that
38:44
Speaker 1: you be like, now, God, now that disappointed me. Or
38:46
Speaker 1: when that door don't open that we expect to open
38:48
Speaker 1: and things don't go the way we think they're supposed
38:50
Speaker 1: to go, we get disappointed. So I had to take
38:52
Speaker 1: my disappointed back disappointment back to God and say, God,
38:55
Speaker 1: help me with this, because I know this ain't the
38:57
Speaker 1: way I'm supposed to really feel. I'm a believe And
39:00
Speaker 1: then I said I was a believer. Yeah, that's what
39:02
Speaker 1: I said. That's what but I'm not showing attributes of
39:05
Speaker 1: what I confessed. And so when God stepped in and said, okay, daughter,
39:08
Speaker 1: I'm gonna help you heal through this journey. This is
39:11
Speaker 1: the way that you have to walk. You got to
39:13
Speaker 1: open up your heart to your father and know that
39:16
Speaker 1: he's sick. This is a sickness, but this sickness is
39:21
Speaker 1: not unto death. So when he came out of that thing,
39:25
Speaker 1: and when God walked him through that three year journey
39:28
Speaker 1: and when he passed, I was at total peace because
39:33
Speaker 1: I knew what out a shadow of a doubt, my
39:35
Speaker 1: heart was right now. Had he passed and I still
39:37
Speaker 1: been mad, upset and angry and bitter, I would have
39:41
Speaker 1: took his death a whole other way. But because I
39:44
Speaker 1: knew the journey that we had just journeyed through of
39:47
Speaker 1: forgiveness and reconciliation, my heart was at peace. And when
39:52
Speaker 1: I said rest in peace, Dad, who that took on
39:56
Speaker 1: a whole other meaning for me because he could rest
40:00
Speaker 1: peace knowing that he and I were in covenant still,
40:04
Speaker 1: and I could rest to know that when he closed
40:06
Speaker 1: his eyes, all was well. You just touched on the
40:11
Speaker 1: topic man, that I think people need to hear, because
40:15
Speaker 1: we all mostly hear when people die. The I wish
40:19
Speaker 1: I could have expected what I heard you say in
40:22
Speaker 1: that moment was that God gave your gave your dad
40:26
Speaker 1: a permission to live a full life of the past
40:30
Speaker 1: three the last three years because he released an addiction
40:34
Speaker 1: that was hindering him from experiencing life sober and for
40:41
Speaker 1: somebody like your father, that was a win. That was
40:46
Speaker 1: that was a full win, and we got people out
40:49
Speaker 1: here and less specifically still because that daddy daughter thing,
40:55
Speaker 1: you can't you can't touch that. Yeah, it's so different
40:59
Speaker 1: about that daddy daughter thing. And I think that when
41:04
Speaker 1: we had I love how you brought that. Yeah, you
41:07
Speaker 1: were angry with that disappointment? What's the root? Would you?
41:11
Speaker 1: Would you say that? Absolutely so, if the disappointment is
41:14
Speaker 1: the root, what what advice would you give some some
41:17
Speaker 1: some daughters out there to redirect their emotions to make
41:23
Speaker 1: sure that the relationship or whatever whatever that may look like,
41:27
Speaker 1: can be beneficial for both lives. Disappointment is heavy. It
41:34
Speaker 1: is when you get disappointed, that's like a blow like
41:38
Speaker 1: no other. And I believe understanding why the why behw
41:44
Speaker 1: you're disappointed appointment. Why are you disappointed? Where is this
41:48
Speaker 1: coming from? Was that expectation realistic or unrealistic for you
41:53
Speaker 1: to expect that out of that person? And why were
41:56
Speaker 1: you disappointed of the outcome? And so for me, I
42:00
Speaker 1: had to realize that, yes, I was validated in my disappointment,
42:05
Speaker 1: but I also needed to be validated in my forgiveness
42:11
Speaker 1: for that disappointment because it was his disappointment intentional. Did
42:16
Speaker 1: he mean was that his goal to disappoint me? I
42:20
Speaker 1: don't think it was. I think he just fell victim
42:24
Speaker 1: to his surroundings and chose I mean fell into addiction.
42:28
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, just falling into addiction, You know
42:30
Speaker 1: what I mean? And so with me disappointed, why was I?
42:34
Speaker 1: I think I had to do the soul searching for myself?
42:36
Speaker 1: Why was I disappointed? Was I disappointed that he was
42:39
Speaker 1: no longer the reflection of who I thought he was?
42:44
Speaker 1: It's so good? So I had to sit with that, like, so,
42:47
Speaker 1: if he doesn't meet this expectation and check every single
42:50
Speaker 1: block of the super Dad, you're disappointed. So I think
42:56
Speaker 1: I had to realize my disappointment was in his humanity.
43:03
Speaker 1: Can you elaborate on that? We're all flawed, he made
43:09
Speaker 1: a bad choice, he made a mistake. So am I
43:13
Speaker 1: gonna punish him with my disappointment because he probably was
43:20
Speaker 1: disappointed in himself almost called you girl. I'm sure he
43:28
Speaker 1: was disappointed, which led down a rabbit hole of addiction,
43:32
Speaker 1: because when you're disappointed, you use because you're disappointed. You're depressed,
43:39
Speaker 1: So you use, You drink, you smoke, you do because
43:42
Speaker 1: you're disappointed. Now add on my disappointment. I just sent
43:48
Speaker 1: you spiraling because you know as a daughter that I'm
43:52
Speaker 1: disappointed in you. So that's more weight to the burden
43:56
Speaker 1: that you're already carrying that you just lost your family,
44:00
Speaker 1: you just lost your wife, you're homeless, you gotta go
44:06
Speaker 1: stay with your mom. And who am I at eleven
44:10
Speaker 1: to put that burden on you? So taking that burden
44:16
Speaker 1: off to say, Dad, I don't understand, but I'm here,
44:24
Speaker 1: and I think my absence was punishment. You just you
44:29
Speaker 1: just you're walking. You're walking down the road, PC, you're
44:33
Speaker 1: walking down the road. I literally text my therapist when
44:37
Speaker 1: I saw this video clip of Jackie Hill Pierry and
44:41
Speaker 1: she said those exact wourds she said was talking about
44:45
Speaker 1: her and mister Preston and she had to learn. I
44:50
Speaker 1: think she was talking about herself. I can't remember the
44:52
Speaker 1: exact clip, but basically it's the synopsis of you can
44:55
Speaker 1: punish people with your silence, and like you can say
44:59
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna give it or I'm just going to
45:03
Speaker 1: and I hear you, Holy Spirit, I'm being targeted right now, oh,
45:07
Speaker 1: because I do it. I do it, and I didn't
45:09
Speaker 1: realize I did it until recently. But I call it
45:13
Speaker 1: shutting down and protect. Like I'm thinking I'm protecting myself,
45:16
Speaker 1: but protection is really punishment to well, my protection in
45:19
Speaker 1: my mind is punishment to other people because I just
45:22
Speaker 1: I just shut down. I don't know how, and that's
45:24
Speaker 1: something I'm working on and be transparent with y'all, but's
45:27
Speaker 1: something i'm working on just because I have experienced hurt
45:30
Speaker 1: and pain and haven't felt safe in spaces. So you're
45:34
Speaker 1: even saying that, Okay, the way I respond and manage
45:38
Speaker 1: disappointment is important because now that's where I think emotional
45:43
Speaker 1: intelligence come in, because it's not saying it's a bad
45:46
Speaker 1: thing to be disappointment, but how I respond to disappointment
45:49
Speaker 1: and how I manage my disappointment is more important than
45:53
Speaker 1: me being disappointed, right because I chose to. Okay, I'm
45:59
Speaker 1: disappointed you. You didn't do You didn't meet my expectations
46:02
Speaker 1: of what I expected of you. So I'm gonna step back.
46:04
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let you do you. And when I come home,
46:07
Speaker 1: I ain't coming to see you. And you know I'm home,
46:10
Speaker 1: but your punishment is I'm not coming to see you.
46:14
Speaker 1: Who is that hurting both of us? Both of them?
46:18
Speaker 1: Because I really want to come see you. Yeah, but
46:21
Speaker 1: you're on punishment because of my disappointment. So I'm not
46:25
Speaker 1: gonna come see you. So me learning how to manage that.
46:33
Speaker 1: You got a knife? Knife to my neck right now? Who? Okay,
46:41
Speaker 1: you can go? Because who are we hurt? Like deep
46:44
Speaker 1: down inside? We always say that the kid deep down
46:47
Speaker 1: inside you know you won't go over there, deep down inside.
46:50
Speaker 1: But I ain't going. But who you hurting both of us?
46:55
Speaker 1: Because now he's spiraling again? Yeah, because he knows that
46:59
Speaker 1: you're home and you don't want to go seeing Your
47:02
Speaker 1: response is making it worse, or lack of response is
47:06
Speaker 1: making it worse. But when I would go, he would
47:09
Speaker 1: light up like a Christmas tree. One memory that has
47:14
Speaker 1: always stood out to me is my kids getting to
47:19
Speaker 1: know the version of my dad that I once knew. Wow,
47:24
Speaker 1: before my dad passed, Sky and Zion got to experience
47:28
Speaker 1: what I felt in the beginning when we would go home.
47:32
Speaker 1: And I'm not goin to cry on this one again.
47:34
Speaker 1: My dad, even in his because he had to be
47:37
Speaker 1: sick with cancer during this time, but we didn't know,
47:40
Speaker 1: he would take his grandkids to the park, walk them
47:44
Speaker 1: to the park. And that's a memory that my kids
47:48
Speaker 1: will always remember. Granddad took us to the park. Granddad
47:53
Speaker 1: took us to the park. Now I remember as a
47:56
Speaker 1: kid my dad taking me to the park. So to
47:58
Speaker 1: know that my kids able to experience that from him
48:02
Speaker 1: after all those years of addiction and me being displaced
48:06
Speaker 1: from my dad, that did my heart so well. When
48:10
Speaker 1: my dad at my dad's funeral, well at his weight, Desiree,
48:15
Speaker 1: I had given Scott this necklace. It was a pendant
48:18
Speaker 1: that it was my necklace, but I gave it to
48:21
Speaker 1: Oh no, it was her necklace. But I was wearing
48:24
Speaker 1: it during the time when we were home for the wake,
48:27
Speaker 1: and I can remember us standing over over my dad's
48:31
Speaker 1: casket and Scott asking for that necklace back. She said, Dad, Mom,
48:37
Speaker 1: can can I can I give this necklace to Granddad.
48:41
Speaker 1: It was a heart pendant. She wanted to give put
48:44
Speaker 1: it in my Dad's pocket, close to his heart in
48:48
Speaker 1: the casket. The pallbearers came and helped her do that.
48:52
Speaker 1: Oh man, I can remember us standing at the casket.
48:56
Speaker 1: Scott had to be about maybe eight seven eight something
49:03
Speaker 1: like that, asking for that necklace because she wanted to
49:05
Speaker 1: give it to Granddad and put it in his coat
49:08
Speaker 1: pocket of his suit and him to be buried with
49:11
Speaker 1: that necklace. That was her experience with him. That was
49:18
Speaker 1: her love, that was her token, That was her way
49:20
Speaker 1: of saying, I love you, see you later. I'm grateful
49:25
Speaker 1: that I didn't rob them of the opportunity to know
49:29
Speaker 1: that Granddad. Yeah, and in the light that you knew them,
49:35
Speaker 1: because it's a I think it's always a point in
49:38
Speaker 1: time where, of course they all need to know the
49:40
Speaker 1: truth about you know, the different challenges. But I also
49:44
Speaker 1: appreciate the allowance of knowing him in the positive. It
49:50
Speaker 1: just yours. I'm seeing my life flashed before my eyes.
49:54
Speaker 1: I literally so, I don't have any of my grandparents
49:57
Speaker 1: living right, and so my Paul, Paul, Bless his soul. Okay,
50:01
Speaker 1: he was my last standing grand parent, and he had
50:05
Speaker 1: dementia and then he passed away from COVID. So, uh,
50:09
Speaker 1: it was just the last several few years of his life.
50:12
Speaker 1: It was dealing with someone that was stuck in a space.
50:15
Speaker 1: He remembered what he remembered, He talked when he wanted like.
50:18
Speaker 1: It was just different. And then you saw certain moments
50:20
Speaker 1: where his aggression came out. These With these moments, I'm like,
50:23
Speaker 1: what is this like? But with dementia, stuff comes out
50:28
Speaker 1: that was already in. That's what I learned. And so
50:31
Speaker 1: learning like hearing stories about not only him but my
50:34
Speaker 1: my me mom, his wife. Now I can digest it now,
50:39
Speaker 1: but as a child, like I remember one thing. They
50:44
Speaker 1: were always my me Moo would always make me sing
50:47
Speaker 1: like she was Samall, don't y'all call me small, But
50:51
Speaker 1: she says, simon, come ahead and sing. She got company
50:54
Speaker 1: and stuff like that. So I'm singing for the folks
50:56
Speaker 1: because it's memo accent. And Pap Paul come in because
51:00
Speaker 1: we know he always gone, he's gonna be at work
51:02
Speaker 1: or at the boat. We didn't know what the boat was,
51:04
Speaker 1: but the boat was right just what they did grown folks.
51:08
Speaker 1: Stuff gambling, drink and he would come from the boat.
51:11
Speaker 1: And so this particular time he came and everybody was
51:14
Speaker 1: still love or whatever, and he heard me singing and
51:16
Speaker 1: he comes around the corner just singing back to me,
51:19
Speaker 1: and like it's almost like he started challenging me. And
51:23
Speaker 1: I could see by me rolling her eyes, but I
51:25
Speaker 1: didn't understand why she was rolling her eyes. Now on
51:28
Speaker 1: this side, I was like, they were like most times
51:31
Speaker 1: he was drunk, he was a functional alcoholic, and so
51:35
Speaker 1: it's like, but they never told us that, So we
51:38
Speaker 1: thought Papa was just fun. We thought Popa was just
51:42
Speaker 1: doing silly stuff. We never knew that he was just intoxicated.
51:48
Speaker 1: So now it's funny to me. Now I can just
51:51
Speaker 1: digest it. Now it's funny, But I didn't my my
51:55
Speaker 1: perception of him was not damaged because of what they
52:01
Speaker 1: were experiencing the moment. I think that Sky and Zion
52:04
Speaker 1: will always appreciate you for that because now they have
52:07
Speaker 1: a positive reflection on your father, which is their grandfather.
52:12
Speaker 1: I want to make sure we get into this because
52:14
Speaker 1: you said something so important and I think that it
52:18
Speaker 1: would it would I would be doing a disservice to
52:22
Speaker 1: my community if I don't let you talk about this
52:24
Speaker 1: because this your this your lane, this your lane. Earlier
52:28
Speaker 1: you mentioned that you you didn't know what it was,
52:32
Speaker 1: but now when you look back on it, you knew
52:34
Speaker 1: that you were interceding for your people. And most times,
52:39
Speaker 1: what I'm learning as and being in ministry, being part
52:43
Speaker 1: of the five fold, looks like I've always had this,
52:51
Speaker 1: but I wasn't able to identify it. What is intercession
52:55
Speaker 1: and how does it differ different from prayer? And I
52:59
Speaker 1: want that to be a part of the question. But
53:01
Speaker 1: also I don't know how to pray. Where do I start?
53:06
Speaker 1: I want to start there first. I don't know what
53:07
Speaker 1: to prayer, how to pray, where to start. Prayer is
53:10
Speaker 1: just talking to God, just like I'm talking to you.
53:12
Speaker 1: Prayer is talking to God. You're mature to how you
53:16
Speaker 1: approach God. But because I think when we first learn
53:20
Speaker 1: how to pray, which is talking, having dialogue with God,
53:24
Speaker 1: but the closer you get to Him, the more you'll
53:27
Speaker 1: be able to identify and bear witness to what he
53:30
Speaker 1: requires and what he likes. For instance, he likes to
53:34
Speaker 1: know that we accept him and know him as the God,
53:38
Speaker 1: the only God, the one true and Living God. So
53:41
Speaker 1: then when we get in communion communion with him, will
53:44
Speaker 1: start telling him who he is to us, what he
53:47
Speaker 1: means to us before we ask for anything. Basic prayer
53:50
Speaker 1: is just talking to God and telling him how you feel,
53:53
Speaker 1: what you feel, and where you are in life. But
53:56
Speaker 1: the more you mature in your prayer life, you begin
53:59
Speaker 1: to call Him by his name, you begin to extol him,
54:02
Speaker 1: you begin to exhort him, you begin to tell him
54:05
Speaker 1: how wonderful, how mighty he is, and then you'll grow
54:09
Speaker 1: in your prayer life from there. But intercession, I believe
54:12
Speaker 1: it's different because you're talking to God and praying through
54:16
Speaker 1: things that have not yet happened. You're talking to God
54:19
Speaker 1: and praying through things that you want to happen, or
54:23
Speaker 1: that you're foretelling stuff to come, and so you're able
54:27
Speaker 1: to catch things before they happen, and you're able to
54:29
Speaker 1: burth out things that you want to happen on the earth.
54:33
Speaker 1: So for me, in that moment, I didn't know, My
54:37
Speaker 1: mom didn't know what was going to happen, and I
54:39
Speaker 1: know she didn't have the strength or the wherewithal to
54:42
Speaker 1: know to pray. But I believe God put the might
54:45
Speaker 1: in the ability in me to say we need to
54:48
Speaker 1: pray right here. This is something that we just ka, well,
54:50
Speaker 1: I hope this money just fall out the tree. This
54:52
Speaker 1: is something that I had to pray and bring to
54:55
Speaker 1: us through intercession. So I had to get before the
54:58
Speaker 1: Father and say, God, my mom doesn't know where this
55:02
Speaker 1: is coming from. So I'm interceding. I'm praying for her.
55:06
Speaker 1: I'm intercepting because she doesn't have the faith to believe
55:12
Speaker 1: that you can do it, but I do. She doesn't
55:15
Speaker 1: have the will to know and have a mind to well,
55:18
Speaker 1: let me just pray and ask God and leave it
55:20
Speaker 1: in God's hand, But I do. So the spirit of
55:23
Speaker 1: intercession that's on the inside of me is stepping in
55:26
Speaker 1: and filling in the gap for her inadequacies. And I
55:30
Speaker 1: mean that in a most humble way, because she doesn't
55:33
Speaker 1: understand the power and the authority of prayer. So because
55:37
Speaker 1: I did at the time, not fully, I was able
55:40
Speaker 1: to say, well, let me just pray about this because
55:42
Speaker 1: if he did it the last time, I know he'll
55:44
Speaker 1: do it again. So let me use this momentum in
55:47
Speaker 1: prayer and this relationship that I have with God to
55:50
Speaker 1: pray and intercede intercept bring through this thing what I
55:56
Speaker 1: know that God can do. So prayer and it's just
56:01
Speaker 1: having a conversation with God. So learning how to pray
56:04
Speaker 1: just starts with you learning how to speak. And I
56:06
Speaker 1: think the enemy has challenged us to keep our mouths
56:09
Speaker 1: shut for so long, to keep everything bottled up on
56:12
Speaker 1: the inside. When we live in a voice activated kingdom,
56:16
Speaker 1: whatever we say, whatever we speak, has the possibility to
56:20
Speaker 1: come and find us. So be careful what you say,
56:24
Speaker 1: be careful what you pray, because it'll find you. I've
56:28
Speaker 1: learned that even in the season, because I have a
56:31
Speaker 1: relationship with God. He's answering my thoughts. Listen, I can
56:36
Speaker 1: think about something Lord that would be really cool to
56:38
Speaker 1: do and then show up in my life. I'll share
56:42
Speaker 1: that testimony another day. I literally was in a place
56:47
Speaker 1: and said, I've always wanted to do that. I wish
56:52
Speaker 1: I could do that. H next thing I know we're
56:56
Speaker 1: looking for that almost just sent me. I had to
57:01
Speaker 1: get out the mic because almost in the same setting,
57:06
Speaker 1: and I look, I said, God, did you just answer
57:10
Speaker 1: my thought? PC you can't. You can't do that. You can't,
57:15
Speaker 1: you can't DESI rae, did you just hear what she
57:17
Speaker 1: just said? God? Did you just answer my thought, thought
57:22
Speaker 1: this and you and you responded quickly. But it came
57:27
Speaker 1: from a relationship though. That see, and that's another thing
57:31
Speaker 1: that prayer does. It builds relationships. So when we when
57:36
Speaker 1: we think about the construct of prayer, we think we're
57:40
Speaker 1: just supposed to be asking for stuff or just saying God,
57:43
Speaker 1: bless this, bless this, blah blah blah. But like you said,
57:46
Speaker 1: the communication and the conversation a lots me time to
57:50
Speaker 1: get to know God and what he wants, what he
57:52
Speaker 1: wants to hear, because we praying out what we want.
57:54
Speaker 1: But God saying, okay, but tell me how awesen the
57:57
Speaker 1: I am? Tell me how I wonderful I am? But
58:00
Speaker 1: do you love know? Some people think that's a problem though,
58:02
Speaker 1: PC like why why God want to know? That's what
58:06
Speaker 1: I've heard on TikTok, the folks that don't really like
58:10
Speaker 1: God or appreciate God or try to discredit who he
58:15
Speaker 1: is and say, that's very cocky for for a being
58:19
Speaker 1: to to think so highly of themselves that they want
58:22
Speaker 1: to want you to bow down to them. Why not
58:24
Speaker 1: He created us, created, If he's the creator, he's annoying,
58:30
Speaker 1: not me, I get so I don't even say I
58:33
Speaker 1: get said, but I get so confused when they say, like,
58:35
Speaker 1: but this is what we do the celebrities. Okay, this
58:40
Speaker 1: is what if jay Z at the Beyonce couse, they
58:45
Speaker 1: be crying like to be I be crying like they
58:48
Speaker 1: be really like, oh my God, like like just so
58:52
Speaker 1: imagining God if God ever came in front of us
58:56
Speaker 1: like like, and I get to do that every day
58:59
Speaker 1: when you like, there's no amount of money I could
59:02
Speaker 1: pay for that, there is no there's not an experience
59:05
Speaker 1: when you have truly experienced God on the level and
59:09
Speaker 1: the way you do that. And I know a lot
59:10
Speaker 1: of people like something like I have never experienced God
59:12
Speaker 1: because I used to be one of them, PC like,
59:15
Speaker 1: I've never experienced God in that way. But the more
59:18
Speaker 1: interested I've become into in Him, the more he exposes
59:22
Speaker 1: himself to me. And that's the more watch this this,
59:25
Speaker 1: the most more times I have the opportunity to look
59:28
Speaker 1: for him, because now I'm saying, Okay, God, what you
59:29
Speaker 1: want to show me. What am I trying to comprehend
59:31
Speaker 1: today is what is today's bread? Like you said earlier
59:34
Speaker 1: today because tomorrow worries about itself. That's Matthew six. Y'all
59:39
Speaker 1: I think that's Matthew six. Is that Matthew six? That
59:45
Speaker 1: sounds Look, we think Matthew, Matthew this. I feel like
59:52
Speaker 1: we got to do a part too, because there's so
59:54
Speaker 1: much I want to pull from you, and I know,
59:58
Speaker 1: like you're my pastor, so you're gonna be here. I
1:00:02
Speaker 1: think there's so much more, not even just on this
1:00:05
Speaker 1: well part of the conversation, because I think part two
1:00:08
Speaker 1: should be regarding the relationship with women and how it
1:00:15
Speaker 1: defines through the mother. Relationship with that looked like and
1:00:18
Speaker 1: I think you have a lot to give, but that
1:00:20
Speaker 1: daddy thing was so heavy. It's like, Okay, let's let's
1:00:25
Speaker 1: not do it. Deserate, we can't do the people like that.
1:00:28
Speaker 1: We can't. We can't do the people like that, Desiraate,
1:00:31
Speaker 1: What what are your thoughts? Because she over there just quiet,
1:00:34
Speaker 1: she is right today, you know, I was listening, Uh,
1:00:39
Speaker 1: I get the privileged to sit and listen, glean kind
1:00:42
Speaker 1: of like like jes As as PC was talking, just
1:00:44
Speaker 1: kind of finding myself, finding where I was along the journey.
1:00:50
Speaker 1: And if I'm one hundred percent honest, I'm still walking
1:00:53
Speaker 1: through some of that. M hmmm. The disappointment that just
1:00:56
Speaker 1: happened last year, you know what I'm saying. So I'm
1:01:00
Speaker 1: very grateful that I think for me, it's hope, you
1:01:05
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. It's a sign of hope, but
1:01:08
Speaker 1: also knowing that we don't have the time that we
1:01:11
Speaker 1: think we have, you know what I'm saying. So it's like,
1:01:15
Speaker 1: now I got to look at me, like what am
1:01:17
Speaker 1: I not doing because of the disappointment and the hurt
1:01:20
Speaker 1: that I've allowed to to fester up this year probably
1:01:23
Speaker 1: around about this time sometime last year, you know what
1:01:25
Speaker 1: I'm saying. So for me, it's just been a reflective
1:01:29
Speaker 1: moment and like, okay, Lord, I repent, right like repenting
1:01:35
Speaker 1: and us like how do I move from here? Like
1:01:38
Speaker 1: my dad is still here? But I also last year
1:01:40
Speaker 1: was able just to realize that the expectations that I
1:01:44
Speaker 1: had from my dad, he just didn't have the capacity
1:01:48
Speaker 1: to do it. He has two daughters, well technically three
1:01:51
Speaker 1: with my stepsister, but we have two daughters, two daughters,
1:01:54
Speaker 1: and he spent twenty nine years in the army, in
1:01:57
Speaker 1: twenty years at the VA, so he's lived forty something
1:02:00
Speaker 1: of his life in a certain lifestyle. And I realized
1:02:03
Speaker 1: that he kind of still looked at us as his
1:02:05
Speaker 1: soldiers instead of his daughters, right, And so that's still
1:02:10
Speaker 1: a space that I'm still kind of working through. But
1:02:13
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that God actually gave me a godfather
1:02:16
Speaker 1: who has been the one to always, you know, encourage
1:02:19
Speaker 1: like who I am? You know, you're creative, you're beautiful,
1:02:21
Speaker 1: you're doing all these things the things that I was
1:02:23
Speaker 1: looking for from my natural father. He did give me
1:02:26
Speaker 1: that in a guy on earth. Right, So just in
1:02:28
Speaker 1: here and listening like, okay, Lord, I hate you iright.
1:02:33
Speaker 1: But it's been so good because I know there's other
1:02:37
Speaker 1: people of the women specifically, who are in that space
1:02:40
Speaker 1: of how do I even walk this healing thing out?
1:02:44
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. So it's been good. So
1:02:46
Speaker 1: thank you PC for just being so open. Yeah, I
1:02:49
Speaker 1: don't think like like you can, Like we never know
1:02:52
Speaker 1: like where we're going, right, We never know, never know
1:02:56
Speaker 1: what the Holy Spirit got cooking up. But it's always
1:02:59
Speaker 1: so intense and always so on time. So thank you,
1:03:02
Speaker 1: thank you. I want to share this too because I
1:03:06
Speaker 1: didn't know that I was going to be sharing about
1:03:08
Speaker 1: my dad today and the fact that I did was
1:03:12
Speaker 1: another level of healing for me. You know, it was
1:03:16
Speaker 1: healing on top of my healing, and when I listened
1:03:19
Speaker 1: to you, does it ray? It just reminded me of that.
1:03:23
Speaker 1: Of course, we're on borrow time, and it is so
1:03:27
Speaker 1: imperative that we understand. Because I'm a parent now, I
1:03:33
Speaker 1: understand that my dad's journey he didn't know. He couldn't
1:03:40
Speaker 1: give me what he didn't have because of the way
1:03:42
Speaker 1: that his father and mother parented him. So when we
1:03:46
Speaker 1: understand that struggle, you know what I'm saying, When you
1:03:50
Speaker 1: have kids, it's almost like you have to unlearn some
1:03:53
Speaker 1: stuff if you don't want that cycle to follow you
1:03:56
Speaker 1: into your parenthood. And so with my dad understanding that
1:04:00
Speaker 1: at the expectations that I had of him, knowing his
1:04:04
Speaker 1: journey now as an adult, I'm like, yeah, I was
1:04:07
Speaker 1: a I was a little too too much. He would
1:04:12
Speaker 1: never be able to live up to that, never understanding
1:04:17
Speaker 1: his past with his parents and their addiction that superman
1:04:24
Speaker 1: that I was looking for. If he wasn't intentional about
1:04:29
Speaker 1: his own journey to undo that, to break those cycles,
1:04:33
Speaker 1: he was never going to be able to live up
1:04:35
Speaker 1: to those expectations. Wow. And I had to realize that
1:04:39
Speaker 1: as a parent, if I wasn't intentional about breaking the
1:04:42
Speaker 1: cycle of addiction. Where would my family be because this
1:04:48
Speaker 1: was generational. This ain't something that just started with my dad.
1:04:51
Speaker 1: This is generational. I had to be intentional about saying
1:04:55
Speaker 1: no to drugs and alcohol because I didn't want my
1:04:59
Speaker 1: kids to grow up to see that, Yeah, that was
1:05:04
Speaker 1: not going to be their testimony. And there's even some
1:05:07
Speaker 1: stuff that I brought into parenthood today. I have to
1:05:10
Speaker 1: repent for it with my kids. I've set my daughter
1:05:14
Speaker 1: down many a times. I apologize I handled you wrong.
1:05:22
Speaker 1: I didn't give you autonomy to be yourself here. I
1:05:26
Speaker 1: am being somebody else for fourteen years, and you want
1:05:30
Speaker 1: to be yourself. Who am I to deny you the
1:05:33
Speaker 1: right to express yourself the way you want to express
1:05:36
Speaker 1: your with parameters. Okay, let's be clear. Let's be clear
1:05:45
Speaker 1: with parameters. So I have to apologize. I'm overly. I'm
1:05:51
Speaker 1: so proud of you. I know my kids get sick
1:05:54
Speaker 1: of me. I can't help it because I'm not going
1:05:59
Speaker 1: to repeat the cycles. I don't want my children to
1:06:04
Speaker 1: get out in this world and look out in the
1:06:06
Speaker 1: audience and say, dang, my mom is show up for
1:06:09
Speaker 1: my games. My dad didn't show up for my band
1:06:13
Speaker 1: rehearsals and my football baseball games. I said, You'll never
1:06:19
Speaker 1: look in the crowd and have to look for me.
1:06:24
Speaker 1: I made that conscious decision because I look back over
1:06:27
Speaker 1: my life and my mom and dad were never at
1:06:30
Speaker 1: any of my band competitions, my football games. I was
1:06:35
Speaker 1: that kid like dang so and so, Mama delle so
1:06:38
Speaker 1: and so Daddy Dame. My parents din't show up. So
1:06:41
Speaker 1: I made a vow when I had kids, you will
1:06:45
Speaker 1: never look in the stands and not see me. Okay,
1:06:48
Speaker 1: how old you. Scott's first game in college, guess who
1:06:53
Speaker 1: was there. I'm not going to miss a moment, because
1:06:56
Speaker 1: I know what moments do to children. I know what
1:07:00
Speaker 1: that feels like to want that in your life, to
1:07:05
Speaker 1: need that, and because you don't get it, you make
1:07:08
Speaker 1: bad decisions, You make bad choices. Other people come in
1:07:11
Speaker 1: and substitute for those things when they don't need to.
1:07:16
Speaker 1: Men become that. When my dad wasn't there, I turned
1:07:19
Speaker 1: to older men. Men, listen, that's another story for another day.
1:07:29
Speaker 1: You know you're too old and I'm in high school.
1:07:32
Speaker 1: Come on now. Because of that lack, I turned to
1:07:37
Speaker 1: other things. But I was adamant with my children. Yeah,
1:07:43
Speaker 1: not you. You won't experience that. Every time I get
1:07:47
Speaker 1: an opportunity. I'm so proud of you. I'm cheering. I'm
1:07:50
Speaker 1: your biggest cheerleader, because you're not gonna look for anybody
1:07:54
Speaker 1: else to cheer you on, and when they do, you're
1:07:56
Speaker 1: gonna be like, oh, thank you. I already get that. Yeah,
1:07:59
Speaker 1: I get that at home. So that's not gonna a
1:08:01
Speaker 1: man cheering you and telling you that you're beautiful and
1:08:04
Speaker 1: that you're the best thing since sliced bread. That's in
1:08:07
Speaker 1: addition to what you've already heard at home. That's not
1:08:09
Speaker 1: going to be the defining factor of who you are. Yeah,
1:08:12
Speaker 1: that now, that is that is so important. PC, I
1:08:17
Speaker 1: gotta because we can. We can go like the other way.
1:08:21
Speaker 1: I feel like we can go for like another two hours.
1:08:23
Speaker 1: To be honest, like this, this has been beyond my expectation.
1:08:30
Speaker 1: I got some stuff to think about. I got some stuff,
1:08:33
Speaker 1: some homework to do, Yeah for sure, Yeah, delil wad
1:08:37
Speaker 1: you got homework to do? You got homework? Yeah? Did
1:08:41
Speaker 1: you say some of the mic? I can't hear you.
1:08:43
Speaker 1: I said I got homework. Oh okay, PC, thank you,
1:08:50
Speaker 1: please accept my invitation when I asked you to I
1:08:55
Speaker 1: approach you. It was not like to encourage tears, but
1:08:59
Speaker 1: I'm grateful that you felt safe enough to do that.
1:09:04
Speaker 1: I gotta have you on here again because I got
1:09:06
Speaker 1: so many more questions. But before normally we asked the
1:09:13
Speaker 1: guests for final thoughts, but because you, only because you
1:09:17
Speaker 1: brought up inter session, I'm gonna ask you to pray
1:09:22
Speaker 1: how you feel led in this moment. But before that,
1:09:25
Speaker 1: you guys, I want her voice to be the last
1:09:27
Speaker 1: voice you guys hear, So listen. If this has done
1:09:32
Speaker 1: something for you, let us know in the comments, let
1:09:34
Speaker 1: us know what point she made. What was the revelation
1:09:40
Speaker 1: that you had in this conversation. And even if you're
1:09:43
Speaker 1: a young man that's watching this right now, because I
1:09:45
Speaker 1: know my fellaws y'all support, just ask the podcast what
1:09:49
Speaker 1: how did he help you? And even being a son,
1:09:53
Speaker 1: but how you would protect your daughter. I would love
1:09:56
Speaker 1: to talk to you guys in the comments, Desertray and
1:09:58
Speaker 1: I would we love chat and with you guys. I
1:10:01
Speaker 1: even think PC will love to hear from you guys
1:10:03
Speaker 1: and your your thoughts and how how the revelation downloaded
1:10:07
Speaker 1: with you guys. But if nothing, if nothing else I
1:10:11
Speaker 1: just want you guys to share this out with somebody,
1:10:13
Speaker 1: because you know somebody that is dealing with this pain
1:10:16
Speaker 1: point that need to hear this encouragement, that needs this
1:10:19
Speaker 1: uplifting of uplifting word testimony to see that there is
1:10:24
Speaker 1: another side, that there is another side and you can
1:10:27
Speaker 1: come out. And so just remember, you know we're here
1:10:32
Speaker 1: every week every Thursday. But until then, life could be
1:10:36
Speaker 1: much more simple if you just ask. And I yield
1:10:40
Speaker 1: the foward to my pastor, Pastor Kareem Gardner, thank you,
1:10:43
Speaker 1: Jess for this opportunity to share. I didn't know what
1:10:48
Speaker 1: God was gonna do, but I'm grateful to be able
1:10:51
Speaker 1: to share my testimony and share a part of my
1:10:54
Speaker 1: life that a lot of people don't know. And I
1:10:57
Speaker 1: think when we understand people's journey, we understand their praise.
1:11:03
Speaker 1: So I want to say a special shout out to
1:11:07
Speaker 1: my mom for raising a very strong, bold, and courageous
1:11:11
Speaker 1: somebody and that's me. I know that she did all
1:11:16
Speaker 1: that she could do to raise three kids on her own,
1:11:19
Speaker 1: and sometimes she could not make it to the games
1:11:22
Speaker 1: because she was working. But I think as kids, we
1:11:26
Speaker 1: don't understand that all we feel is the absence yeah,
1:11:30
Speaker 1: So I honor my mother, and I want to be
1:11:32
Speaker 1: clear where I stand with my mom, because I'm my
1:11:35
Speaker 1: Mama's girl too at heart. But I want to pray
1:11:41
Speaker 1: for those of us that are struggling with forgiveness and reconciliation.
1:11:48
Speaker 1: I believe that that is a spiritual killer and neutralizer.
1:11:55
Speaker 1: But I want to pray for the hearts and minds
1:11:58
Speaker 1: of God's people, that we be free from unrealistic expectations,
1:12:03
Speaker 1: and that we be free in our hearts to love
1:12:07
Speaker 1: and trust. Again, Father, is in the name of Jesus
1:12:11
Speaker 1: that we honor you for being a covenant keeping God.
1:12:15
Speaker 1: And as we submit our feelings, our emotions, our insecurities,
1:12:21
Speaker 1: our shortcomings. Hey, as we submit our hearts to you again,
1:12:27
Speaker 1: we say yes, yes, good. We say yes to your will,
1:12:32
Speaker 1: we say yes to your way. We say yes we
1:12:35
Speaker 1: will go, and most certainly we will obey. Hey. Hey, God,
1:12:39
Speaker 1: we thank you, glory to your name for speaking to
1:12:43
Speaker 1: our hearts today. We thank you for speaking to our spirits,
1:12:47
Speaker 1: and we command emotional intelligence to come alive within us.
1:12:52
Speaker 1: Lord God, we pray that you will create in us
1:12:54
Speaker 1: a clean heart and renew a right spirit within us,
1:12:58
Speaker 1: and allow forgiveness ye, we turn the page. We turn
1:13:03
Speaker 1: the page to forgiveness. Holly Lujah. We forget what was
1:13:09
Speaker 1: and we embrace what is today, and that is a
1:13:12
Speaker 1: new day of brand new mercies seen and unseen. And
1:13:16
Speaker 1: we thank you for a heart to forgive. We thank
1:13:20
Speaker 1: you for a heart to reconcile, and we thank you
1:13:23
Speaker 1: for open We open this heart to you. Father. We
1:13:27
Speaker 1: thank you God for the chambers of our heart that
1:13:29
Speaker 1: we had closed unknowingly. Glory to your name, and we
1:13:33
Speaker 1: thank you for those chambers that we close knowingly. And
1:13:37
Speaker 1: we ask for mercy, We ask for grace to unlock
1:13:41
Speaker 1: the mysteries of who you are. And we apply the
1:13:45
Speaker 1: bomb of Gilead to the places of our hearts that
1:13:49
Speaker 1: no one knows about that we're harboring things, Holly Lujah,
1:13:54
Speaker 1: that we're having sleepless nights because of and the hurt
1:13:57
Speaker 1: and the pain. We applied the bomb in the name
1:14:00
Speaker 1: of We give you permission to heal that part of us. Father.
1:14:05
Speaker 1: We open ourselves up even today on this podcast, to
1:14:10
Speaker 1: receive healing in those areas, and Father, even those of
1:14:15
Speaker 1: us that have our fathers still here on this side
1:14:19
Speaker 1: of the dirt, we pray Father for reconciliation. We pray
1:14:26
Speaker 1: for heart to forgive, a mind to know them even better,
1:14:32
Speaker 1: even a heart to consider their journey. And father. As
1:14:36
Speaker 1: we consider their journey, we ask that you help us
1:14:39
Speaker 1: to be mindful of how far we have come and
1:14:43
Speaker 1: applied grace even the more. And we thank you. We
1:14:49
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, we honor you for this space
1:14:53
Speaker 1: of healing, even if it's only a small portion, because
1:14:57
Speaker 1: some of us have gone through things that are unimaginable
1:15:01
Speaker 1: think hurt and deep seat rooted pain. Well, we thank
1:15:06
Speaker 1: you for this block of healing that can lead us
1:15:10
Speaker 1: to the next block. But we thank you for being
1:15:13
Speaker 1: open to move forward to the next thing. We thank
1:15:18
Speaker 1: you and we praise you. We give you glory, we
1:15:21
Speaker 1: give you honor for this in the matchless, the powerful name, Hallelujah,
1:15:30
Speaker 1: the name of Jesus. In Jesus' name, Amen.
1:15:40
Speaker 2: Thank you for tuning in to this week's episode. Since
1:15:43
Speaker 2: you've made it this far, you might as well connect
1:15:45
Speaker 2: with us on all social media platforms at the Jessica S.
1:15:49
Speaker 1: Smith.
1:15:50
Speaker 4: I know I won't see you back until next week,
1:15:53
Speaker 4: but until then, remember to love always yourself and always
1:15:59
Speaker 4: think thank God.
1:16:00
Speaker 1: For one another day.
1:16:03
Speaker 3: Hey, Hey, I know we could be another way. Hey,
1:16:09
Speaker 3: pray thank God for another day. Hey, Hey, I'm just
1:16:16
Speaker 3: thankful another day. Hey hey, another day, Oh, another day wise,
1:16:23
Speaker 3: another day to get it right, another day to rise up,
1:16:26
Speaker 3: another day living another day with loved ones. I always remember,
1:16:30
Speaker 3: hold it down for a ball one.
1:16:32
Speaker 1: Yuh