Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Gaslights You
Transcript
- Lucas: You've had a conversation with your boss about a project deadline, you're both clear on the date, and the next day they deny it ever happened. They say, 'I never said that. You must have misunderstood.' And suddenly you're the one who's confused. Luna: That specific sinking feeling — where you start questioning your own memory — that's the hallmark of gaslighting. And it's surprisingly common at work. Lucas: We're talking about workplace gaslighting today — when a manager systematically makes you doubt your perception of reality. There's actually a 2023 study in the Journal of Applied Psychology that found 22 percent of employees report experiencing gaslighting from a supervisor at least occasionally. That's one in five. Luna: And it's not just about annoyances. The same study linked gaslighting to higher emotional exhaustion and lower job satisfaction — no surprise there. But the insidious part is that it erodes your confidence over time. Lucas: Right. So let's break down what gaslighting actually looks like in a boss-employee dynamic. It's not just one lie — it's a pattern. One technique is straight-up denial: they deny saying something you know they said. Another is trivializing: you raise a concern, and they say 'You're overreacting' or 'You're too sensitive.' Luna: There's also projection — where they accuse you of doing exactly what they're doing. Like a boss who constantly misses deadlines but tells you you're the one who's unreliable. Lucas: Exactly. And the goal is often to maintain control or deflect accountability. If you're constantly second-guessing yourself, you're less likely to push back. I want to bring in a concrete story here — because abstract patterns are one thing, but hearing how it plays out in real life is more useful. Luna: Yeah, let's hear it. Lucas: A former listener — now working in HR, actually — shared this with me. She was a project manager at a mid-size tech firm. Her boss would approve budget changes verbally in one-on-ones, then later deny approving them when the CFO asked why costs went up. She'd go back to her notes, find the exact date and time, and the boss would say, 'That's not what I meant. You misinterpreted.' Luna: Even with written notes. That's the thing — gaslighting works best when the power imbalance means your word is presumed to be less reliable than theirs. Lucas: So what did she do? She started sending a brief confirmation email after every verbal decision — something like, 'Just to confirm, you approved the additional $5,000 for the vendor. Please correct me if I'm wrong.' And the boss stopped denying those specific approvals because now there was a paper trail he'd have to explicitly contradict. Luna: That's a smart tactic — using the 'we' language to frame it as a shared understanding. It's less confrontational than saying 'You said this,' and it puts the ball in their court to deny it in writing. Lucas: Organizational psychologist Dr. Art Markman actually recommends something similar. He calls it 'writing the contemporaneous log.' You document what happened as soon as possible after the interaction — date, time, key phrases used. Not for a lawsuit necessarily, but to anchor your own memory. Luna: And that log becomes especially useful if you need to escalate to HR. Because without documentation, it's your word against theirs — and they're the boss. Lucas: Let's talk about the 'two-person rule.' Markman also advises that when you know a conversation with a gaslighting boss is going to be contentious, bring a third person. A witness. Schedule a meeting with your boss and a neutral colleague or a junior person you're mentoring. The presence of another person often curbs the gaslighting behavior in the moment. Luna: That's a powerful move. It also protects you because now there's a second person who heard what was said. And if the boss later tries to gaslight about that meeting, you have backup. Lucas: One thing I want to be careful about — we're not saying you should try to 'fix' a gaslighting boss. These are survival tactics. The research suggests that gaslighting is often a symptom of a deeper personality issue — narcissism or insecurity — and it rarely resolves with a conversation. Luna: So what's the threshold for escalating to HR or deciding to leave? Lucas: Good question. I think the key indicator is whether the gaslighting is affecting your performance — meaning, you're so preoccupied with the confusion that you can't do your job effectively — or your mental health. If you're losing sleep, if you're dreading interactions, if you're constantly anxious, that's a signal that the environment is toxic enough to warrant a change. Luna: And if you do go to HR, you need to present facts, not feelings. A pattern of specific instances with dates and witnesses. HR's job is to protect the company from liability, not to be your therapist. So frame it as a risk to the company — like, 'This behavior is causing turnover in my team' — rather than 'I feel bad.' Lucas: That's exactly right. And sometimes the best option is to leave. I know that's a hard thing to say, but staying in a gaslighting dynamic can erode your self-trust for years. I've seen people move to a new job and only then realize how much they'd normalized. Luna: Absolutely. And on that note — if we've helped you think through a difficult career situation like this, or just given you some language to name what you're experiencing, that's exactly why we make this show. Lucas: Yeah. And quick honest thing — this show is listener-funded. A handful of listeners chip in monthly through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo, and that's literally what funds making episodes like this one. No ads, no sponsors, just people who find it useful. Luna: It's a small group, but it keeps us independent. And we're grateful for every person who's part of it. Lucas: Anyway — let's come back to one more practical strategy. If you're in a situation where you can't leave immediately — maybe you need the health insurance or you're in a tight job market — there's something called 'strategic gray rock.' You become boring. You give minimal, factual responses. You don't engage emotionally. It's a way to starve the gaslighter of the reaction they're feeding on. Luna: I've heard that term from the context of narcissistic relationships. The idea is you make yourself as uninteresting as a gray rock. So when your boss tries to provoke you, you just say 'Okay, I'll look into that' or 'I'll send you that report by end of day.' No emotion, no defense. Lucas: It's exhausting in its own way — you're essentially suppressing your authentic self at work — but it can buy you time while you job hunt. And it does reduce the frequency of gaslighting attempts because the boss gets less reward. Luna: Let's circle back to the documentation strategy for a second. You mentioned the 'we' language in emails. Can you give an example of how to word that? Lucas: Sure. Instead of saying 'You told me to move forward with the vendor,' you say 'I understood from our conversation that we agreed to move forward with the vendor. Let me know if my understanding is correct.' It's softer, but it still creates a record. And if your boss says 'No, that's wrong,' you have a starting point for a conversation rather than an accusation. Luna: It also frames it as a collaborative check rather than a challenge to their authority. That's crucial when you're dealing with someone who can't handle being wrong. Lucas: Exactly. And if you do get a verbal correction, you respond with 'Okay, thanks for clarifying. I'll note that in my records.' That reinforces that you are documenting — without being threatening about it. Luna: I think one of the hardest parts of gaslighting is that it makes you doubt whether you're being reasonable. Am I actually overreacting? Is this really that bad? So having external frameworks — like the study, like specific tactics — helps ground you. Lucas: That is the most important takeaway: if you're asking yourself 'Am I overreacting?', that is exactly the doubt gaslighting creates. Trust your gut. If a pattern feels off, it probably is. And you don't need to prove it to anyone to start protecting yourself. Luna: Well said. And for anyone listening who's in the middle of this right now — you're not crazy. And you're not alone. Lucas: We'll put links to the Journal of Applied Psychology study and Dr. Markman's work in the show notes. Next episode, we're tackling something a little different — how to manage a boss who uses guilt as a management tool. That one's going to be interesting.