Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 164: The Johari Window: What You Know, Don't Know & Hide About Yourself

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164: The Johari Window: What You Know, Don't Know & Hide About Yourself · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Welcome back to Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker.
• 0:23
  This is a space where empaths, highly sensitive people and recovering people pleasers, learn to reclaim their energy, speak their truth, and live more authentically.
• 0:32
  In today's episode, we're going to be talking about a tool called The Johari Window, and how it can help you to better understand yourself, deepen your relationships, and grow into your most authentic self.
• 0:44
  So first, what is the Johari Window?
• 0:47
  The Johari window is a psychological model created by Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingram.
• 0:52
  They combined their two names, Joseph and Harrington, Johari, and they created this Johari window in 1955.
• 0:59
  It's often used in therapy, coaching, and leadership development, but it's also incredibly helpful for those of us that are doing that deep inner work on ourselves.
• 1:07
  This model is made up of four quadrants.
• 1:09
  Okay?
• 1:09
  So you can kind of picture it like a four paned window.
• 1:12
  So these are four different windows.
• 1:14
  That helped reveal different aspects of self.
• 1:17
  So in the first quadrant is the open self.
• 1:20
  This is what you know about yourself and what other people know about you.
• 1:24
  In other words, it's the, I know, you know, area of life.
• 1:27
  The second window is the hidden self.
• 1:30
  This is the I know, but you don't know window.
• 1:33
  And this is what you know about yourself, but you keep hidden from other people.
• 1:38
  The third window is the blind self.
• 1:40
  This is, I don't know, but you know.
• 1:43
  This is your blind spots.
• 1:44
  What other people see in you that you do not see in yourself, you're unaware of it yourself.
• 1:49
  And then the fourth window is the unknown self.
• 1:52
  This is the, I don't know, and you don't know window.
• 1:55
  These are the parts of you that are unknown to both you and to others, and these are often unconscious and kind of just waiting to be discovered.
• 2:03
  So first, why does this matter?
• 2:05
  As highly sensitive people, we often spend so much time tuning into others.
• 2:09
  We're reading the room, we're filling other people's emotions, adapting our behavior, and we can do this so frequently that we lose touch with our own truth.
• 2:17
  So we're gonna look at each of these four windows and see how you can apply them to your life to increase your own self-awareness, as well as deepen your connection with others.
• 2:25
  So first, let's talk about the open self.
• 2:28
  The, I know, you know, window this is where authentic connection happens.
• 2:33
  It's you are connecting as you are revealing yourself, and this includes your values, your personality, and the things that you're comfortable sharing with other people.
• 2:42
  So maybe you're sharing that, oh, I'm a really deep feeler, or I need time to recharge.
• 2:47
  You're clearly communicating it in relationships so that you both know what it is that's going on for you.
• 2:52
  And when you're able to expand this quadrant by being open with others, then you allow more of your true self to be seen and accepted.
• 3:00
  And I get it.
• 3:01
  Sometimes it can be scary to put yourself out there, but it's in this window where all of that connection really happens.
• 3:07
  So think for a moment about something that everybody seems to know about you.
• 3:10
  What is it that they have to say about you?
• 3:12
  And this can often be revealed through gift giving.
• 3:15
  Sometimes.
• 3:16
  In fact, I was talking with somebody recently where they said, I really wanna get a gift for this new friend of mine, but I just dunno what to get her for a birthday.
• 3:23
  I'm like, okay, well what does she like?
• 3:25
  Well, I know she likes hot dogs, but that seems like a strange thing to gift somebody.
• 3:30
  So it can be interesting and revealing as to how connected you feel in relationship when you know what it is that they like or don't like, or who they actually are.
• 3:40
  So kind of notice, okay, well what do people know about me?
• 3:42
  Do they only know that I have a plant collection or do they know other things about me as well?
• 3:47
  And that can still be connective, right?
• 3:48
  We can still connect on the things that we love, like hot dogs and plants.
• 3:51
  But get curious about what is it that people know about me.
• 3:54
  Now for me, everybody knows that I'm a life coach and that I have a podcast.
• 3:58
  I've made a point to have that be a part of my introduction.
• 4:01
  So when somebody asks me what I do, that's one of the first things that I tell'em is, yeah, I'm a coach.
• 4:05
  I have a podcast.
• 4:06
  This is who I help.
• 4:07
  And that might lead to additional questions that can deepen that understanding.
• 4:11
  So they might say, okay, well who do you coach?
• 4:13
  Okay, well what does that mean?
• 4:14
  What does coaching do?
• 4:15
  How do you help people?
• 4:16
  But my career is something that everybody knows about me and that I know about me.
• 4:21
  The people that are a bit closer to me, not acquaintances, but my friends, they're going to know a little bit more information about me.
• 4:28
  For example, my friends all know that if we're gonna go out to dinner, I like to eat a little bit earlier because I like to go to bed a little bit earlier.
• 4:36
  In fact, they'll tease me that I think Maryanne's gonna turn into a pumpkin if she's not home by eight 30.
• 4:42
  So that's something that my close friends know about me that my, casual acquaintances might not be aware of.
• 4:47
  Now my husband, he's going to know me on an even deeper level.
• 4:50
  He knows my bedtime routine, he knows my morning routine.
• 4:53
  There's a lot of things that my husband knows that even my friends might not be aware of.
• 4:57
  So notice that each relationship that you're in, it is going to have a different level of knowledge and understanding, depending on how intimate that relationship is.
• 5:06
  So the larger this window is, the more connection you're going to have in that relationship.
• 5:11
  So if you are seeking intimacy and connection, then see if you can broaden this window and allow other people to see the real you.
• 5:18
  Let them in.
• 5:19
  And we're going to talk more about that as we talk about these other windows as well.
• 5:24
  So the next window we're going to be talking about is the hidden self.
• 5:27
  This is also known as the masked window.
• 5:30
  This is the window that says, well, I know, but you don't know.
• 5:33
  This is your private self.
• 5:35
  So maybe you hide your needs because you've been told that you're too much or too sensitive, or maybe you shame or fear of rejection lives here.
• 5:42
  You don't want people to know that you're scared that you're going to be rejected, and as you do your own healing work, then you're slowly able to bring these hidden parts out into the open with safe people, so that you can be more fully known.
• 5:56
  Fully loved.
• 5:57
  So these may be positive or negative things that are in this space where I know, but you don't know.
• 6:02
  So for example, maybe some of the things that you don't want people to know about are your fears, your past hurts, the mistakes that you've made, but maybe you're also limiting them from knowing what your hopes and dreams are.
• 6:12
  So.
• 6:13
  Yeah, they're not going to be shaming you, but they also can't celebrate you unless you're willing to bring those things into the light.
• 6:20
  Additionally, shame likes to hide.
• 6:22
  It wants to remain hidden, but when you're willing to share those parts of yourself, even those parts that are scary to share, then you're able to find that true connection and it helps to minimize that shame.
• 6:34
  So these are things that you might be keeping secret sometimes, either due to shame or maybe just a lack of uncertainty as to how they're going to be received.
• 6:41
  There's a little bit of insecurity around it.
• 6:43
  I know that for me, sometimes I get embarrassed when I see old social media posts.
• 6:47
  I'm not going to be resharing them.
• 6:49
  I look at my past self and I think, oh my goodness, I can't believe I posted that publicly.
• 6:54
  I can't believe I said that.
• 6:55
  And I might be really embarrassed about my past, and it might be a hard thing for me to admit to people that, yeah, you know what?
• 7:01
  I used to be pretty emotionally immature myself.
• 7:04
  That can be a hard thing to acknowledge.
• 7:07
  Or maybe when I'm working on a project like I am right now, then I might be more selective about who I choose to share it with.
• 7:13
  And so in some circles then yes, it's gonna be something known between the two of us, but I might choose intentionally to keep things a little bit close to my chest until I'm ready to share them.
• 7:23
  For example, when I started recording this podcast, I had recorded seven episodes before I told a single soul about it.
• 7:30
  I hadn't even shared my intro music with anybody because I knew that I wanted some time to gain some evidence for myself that this podcast would be a viable product.
• 7:41
  And I worried that other people's opinions would squash my dream before it had even had a chance to take flight.
• 7:47
  So I was very selective in who I chose to share it with and when I was ready.
• 7:52
  So you get to decide who it is that you share things with.
• 7:55
  And it's okay to be selective, but just notice if you're spending a little bit too much time in this space, assuming that other people should know something.
• 8:05
  For example, maybe you think they should know what it is that you need right now.
• 8:10
  Now when you're super sensitive to other people's needs, it's really easy to assume that they'll be equally sensitive to your needs, but they don't work the same way that you do.
• 8:20
  And they might not know what it is that you need.
• 8:23
  So be willing to bring things out into the open that are a little bit secret here, right?
• 8:29
  And just shed some light on those things so that you can increase that connection.
• 8:34
  All right.
• 8:34
  Now let's talk about the blind self.
• 8:36
  This is our blind spots.
• 8:37
  It's, I don't know, but you know, okay, so there's people around you that might know things about you that you don't even know, and this is where it gets a little bit tender, is this quadrant represents things that other people see in you that you do not see in yourself.
• 8:51
  It requires a lot of vulnerability to admit that there are things that other people might know about you that you don't know about you.
• 8:57
  So maybe people are experiencing you as being overly accommodating, even though you believe that you're just being helpful.
• 9:03
  They might feel like you're stepping on their toes.
• 9:05
  Or maybe your anxiety is looking a little bit more like anger and they have no idea how to navigate that.
• 9:10
  It can be uncomfortable to receive feedback here, but it's also where the real growth happens.
• 9:16
  This quadrant may include positive or negative things about you.
• 9:19
  For example, maybe everybody in the restaurant can see how obnoxious that customer is acting towards the server, but the person that's being cruel to the server, they don't see it in themselves.
• 9:29
  They don't know how it is that they're coming across, or maybe the person telling that really inappropriate joke, they don't understand why they're getting weird glances and side eye from people.
• 9:39
  But it's really obvious to everybody else that that kind of a joke just isn't funny.
• 9:43
  Now on the positive side, maybe other people see your incredible potential, and that's something that you have a hard time seeing in yourself.
• 9:50
  So you might need a friend or a coach to help you to see these parts of you.
• 9:54
  When my daughter started up at the local college, then she took an interest test to see where her strengths might be and gain a little bit more direction.
• 10:01
  It helped her to see what strengths she might have that she was unaware of.
• 10:05
  She had no idea what it was that she should major in, but having helpful advisors around, they were able to help her to see what her strengths were, to help her to see better what career fields may be able to fit her natural gifts.
• 10:17
  Or maybe on a coaching call with your awesome coach, MaryAnn, she might reflect back to you, Hey, did you know that you're a nature empath?
• 10:24
  You're highly attuned to the natural world around you, you find solace in nature.
• 10:27
  You have a strong connection with animals, and you're more susceptible to those shifts in nature like weather.
• 10:33
  Did you know that about yourself?
• 10:34
  And this might come as a surprise to you.
• 10:36
  You might go, I didn't even know that that was something that was possible.
• 10:39
  No, I didn't know I was a nature empath.
• 10:41
  Maybe you don't know what a difference you've made in someone else's life.
• 10:45
  You might not know this until they tell you.
• 10:48
  These are the personal blind spots that can really shift our perception of self.
• 10:53
  A friend and listener recently, lovingly let me know that I still seem to struggle with receiving help.
• 10:59
  This is something I've really tried to work hard on, but it was really interesting to see that as much as I thought I'd experienced growth there, that there are still some places in my life where I resist receiving help.
• 11:10
  And it was very beneficial for me for her to give voice to that and to let me know that because I didn't see it in myself until she brought it to my attention.
• 11:18
  It can be a little uncomfortable at times to receive feedback, but it can also really expand our growth.
• 11:25
  One more little side story.
• 11:26
  I didn't realize how often I was using certain filler words and phrases here on the podcast until my brother pointed it out, and because of his help and his insight, then I've been able to continue to work on dropping those filler words and so I could just speak with a bit more clarity here.
• 11:41
  It was something that he knew, but I didn't know.
• 11:44
  But it was very valuable information to have once it was moved into the, now I know you know, window.
• 11:51
  All right, so now let's talk about the unknown self, the, I don't know, and you don't know, window.
• 11:56
  This part's just a mystery.
• 11:58
  These are the things that are yet to be discovered, and this might include your unconscious beliefs, your potential, your past wounds that you haven't yet uncovered.
• 12:05
  And over time, then these unknowns, then they can become known and they can completely transform you.
• 12:12
  And while this window can feel a little intimidating at first, knowing it exists can also open you up to a possibility because now we know that there are things that are yet to be discovered.
• 12:22
  So for example, I remember being asked once if I liked sushi.
• 12:25
  Now at this point in my life, I hadn't had sushi yet.
• 12:28
  It was something that was yet to be discovered.
• 12:30
  So neither me nor the person that was asking knew if I liked sushi or not.
• 12:34
  Be open to discovering new things about yourself and those around you, and be curious about what it is that you don't yet know about yourself.
• 12:42
  One of my favorite scenes from Runaway Bride, and I talk about this scene all the time on the podcast because I just love it, but at one point in that movie then she's presented with eggs in all the different ways she had been accommodating and thinking that she liked her eggs the exact same way that her partner liked them.
• 12:57
  And so that shifted and changed depending on what relationship she was in.
• 13:01
  She didn't actually know what kind of eggs she liked, and so now she was able to sample each of the eggs and figure out how it was that she did and did not like her eggs Sometimes my listeners like to stay in the, I don't know, box, because it feels safer to let somebody else take the lead.
• 13:18
  It feels safer to let somebody else make those decisions for us, but it's also extremely self-limiting.
• 13:24
  So they might be saying things like, well, I don't know where I want to eat.
• 13:27
  I don't know what I like to do for fun.
• 13:29
  I don't know what I like to do for my spare time.
• 13:30
  I don't know how I like my eggs.
• 13:32
  I don't know what I wanna do when I grow up.
• 13:34
  And staying in"I don't know" it keeps us stuck and stagnant.
• 13:38
  So shift that stagnant energy into a playful curiosity.
• 13:42
  You'll be surprised how much looking through this window and finding questions to ask and uncovering new things, it can really help you to self differentiate.
• 13:50
  It can help you to find your voice and your passion rather than piggybacking the voice and passion of others.
• 13:58
  So let's talk about three ways to use the Johari window to help to support you on your healing journey.
• 14:03
  First, get really curious about your hidden self.
• 14:06
  What parts of you do you keep hidden because you're afraid of how they'll be received?
• 14:10
  Start exploring these things gently.
• 14:12
  You don't have to share them with everybody, but think about if there's just one person that you might be able to share these parts of yourself with.
• 14:19
  Second try asking for loving feedback.
• 14:22
  Choose somebody and ask, is there something that you see in me that I might not be aware of?
• 14:26
  And it's not always easy, but feedback, given in love, it really can be a gift.
• 14:32
  Remember that you get to decide what to take in and what to release.
• 14:36
  And then my third tip is embrace the unknown.
• 14:39
  You don't need to have all of the answers right away.
• 14:41
  Trust that your deeper truth will emerge over time.
• 14:44
  Your intuition, your dreams, your body sensations, all of those can offer clues to the parts of you that are waiting to be revealed.
• 14:52
  So your challenge for this week is first to think of somebody right now who you could share this episode with, somebody who you might feel safe opening up to and working to intentionally broaden your"I know and you know," window with.
• 15:06
  Now, just to give you an example of what this might look like, this last week I met with a group of absolutely beautiful women.
• 15:12
  There were 12 of us, and I was only familiar with two of them before we got together, but we had such a beautiful and connective evening together.
• 15:19
  Our hostess asked us to share three things.
• 15:21
  So we set a timer.
• 15:22
  We went around the room and everybody shared three things.
• 15:25
  So first we shared something that we're celebrating.
• 15:27
  Second, we shared something that we're working on, and third, we shared something that the group might be able to help us with.
• 15:33
  We were able to ask for help and support, and it was absolutely beautiful to see the level of vulnerability that was shared in that space.
• 15:42
  And also it was incredible and inspiring to feel that deep sense of connection with these women.
• 15:48
  I feel like I could turn to any of them right now for help and support, and it's all because of just having one deep and meaningful conversation where we now know each other on a deeper level.
• 15:57
  We know what we're celebrating, we know what we're working on, and we know what help we need.
• 16:01
  And those are three very powerful things.
• 16:03
  So your challenge is to pick one friend to share this episode with, and then meet up for lunch and share the answers to those three questions and see how it shifts your relationship and how it deepens that connection.
• 16:16
  Now if you would like to take this a little bit further, I encourage you to journal on these different parts of the windows, right journal on all the different windows.
• 16:23
  So here's some prompts that might help you: have you ever had a new experience that taught you something new about yourself?
• 16:29
  Where do you feel strong and clear?
• 16:32
  And where might there be more room for growth and curiosity.
• 16:36
  What is something that was once hidden that you would like to make known to others?
• 16:41
  What is something that you're just now discovering about yourself, and how can you nurture this new part of you?
• 16:48
  Now, if this episode has sparked something in you and you're ready to explore the hidden, blind and unknown parts of yourself I'd love to help you and I hope that you'll consider joining me in a coaching session.
• 16:58
  My six week packages are designed specifically for highly sensitive people like you who are ready to stop shrinking and start thriving all while coming to know themselves and love themselves.
• 17:07
  More deeply.
• 17:08
  So you can click the link in the show notes to book your free consultation call and see if we might be a good fit for each other.
• 17:14
  Also, if this episode spoke to your heart, be sure to subscribe here so that you never miss a new one.
• 17:18
  And if you know somebody who would benefit from this, please share it with them.
• 17:22
  I would love to grow this community.
• 17:24
  All right, I hope you have a great week, and let's talk soon.
• 17:26
  Bye now.