Latest / Amazing Life Breakthrough / Ep 41 | Rising Above Workplace Bullying: Leading Yourself When You Feel Alone

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Ep 41 | Rising Above Workplace Bullying: Leading Yourself When You Feel Alone · Amazing Life Breakthrough

• 0:05
  Have you ever had a season at work where it felt like you were walking into a storm every day?
• 0:13
  Now I'm not talking about just stress or just a hard work week.
• 0:16
  I mean a season where your name is being questioned, your character is being challenged, you can feel relationships shifting around you, and you're trying to do your job while also having this sinking feeling that says, why does it feel like everyone is against me?
• 0:33
  If you're in that right now, I want to start with this.
• 0:36
  I'm really glad you're here because what I'm about to say might be the lifeline you need, especially if you've been feeling alone.
• 0:44
  Welcome to Amazing Life Breakthrough.
• 0:47
  I'm Steve Klein, and today we're going deeper on what we started on Tuesday.
• 0:53
  What to do when you're being undermined at work, when you're being bullied, or when someone is using power in a way that isn't fair.
• 1:01
  And I want to say up front, this topic can get heavy.
• 1:04
  Because for some people, workplace bullying isn't just annoying, it's crushing.
• 1:09
  It can mess with your sleep, your confidence, your health, your relationships at home, it can make you feel trapped.
• 1:16
  And I'm going to talk about resilience and strategy today, but I'm also going to talk about something that might sound unusual in this day and age.
• 1:24
  And that's forgiveness.
• 1:26
  Now, I'm not saying bullying is okay, nor am I saying you should ignore reality, nor am I saying you should let it happen.
• 1:33
  What I am saying is that forgiveness is needed not for the other person, but for you.
• 1:39
  Because forgiveness is one of the most powerful ways to free yourself on the inside while you're walking through something hard on the outside.
• 1:47
  Let me take you back to my story.
• 1:49
  This was during the dot-com era.
• 1:52
  I was a software engineer and honestly, I was thriving.
• 1:56
  I loved the work.
• 1:57
  I loved learning.
• 1:58
  I was growing fast.
• 2:00
  And at the time, I had even turned down some management offers because I wanted to stay close to the technology I was passionate about.
• 2:08
  Life felt like it was moving in the right direction.
• 2:11
  Then a new manager came in.
• 2:12
  I called him Bill.
• 2:14
  At first I didn't think much of it.
• 2:16
  Leadership changes happen.
• 2:18
  That's corporate life.
• 2:19
  And I had heard some rumors about Bill's leadership style, but I try not to put too much weight on rumors.
• 2:24
  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt until I see things for myself.
• 2:28
  But pretty quickly I noticed the atmosphere around me started to shift.
• 2:32
  And here's something that became clear over time.
• 2:35
  Bill wasn't really leading with confidence.
• 2:38
  He was leaning heavily on two people on the team, two individuals who, whether they meant to or not, had a lot of influence over him.
• 2:46
  They wanted control, and Bill didn't have enough leadership experience yet to recognize when he was being steered.
• 2:53
  Now, the way our company hired managers back then was often through promotions from within.
• 2:58
  If leadership noticed you doing well technically, sometimes the reward was a promotion into management.
• 3:06
  It was a great incentive in theory.
• 3:08
  But it doesn't always work because being great technically doesn't automatically mean you know how to lead people.
• 3:15
  Then in Bill's case, there was a leadership gap.
• 3:18
  And it really showed, since he wasn't sure how to lead, he relied on the two people he was closest to almost like a default advisory board.
• 3:28
  And as that happened, favoritism started to show up.
• 3:32
  Bias started to uh creep in, little ideas would get planted in his mind, and it created this environment where decisions didn't feel neutral anymore.
• 3:42
  It started putting the team against each other when and over time it felt like it was mainly pointed at me.
• 3:48
  One of the ways it showed up was through these tiny issues that got turned into big, drawn-out debates with our team.
• 3:56
  Simple decisions, things any technical professional would normally handle without a second thought, suddenly became very visible and it put me on the spot.
• 4:04
  I remember one situation that still stands out.
• 4:08
  Something as routine as where a file gets saved.
• 4:11
  The kind of thing everyone in that office did naturally.
• 4:14
  But for some reason it got treated like a major incident, and I found myself being corrected in front of a meeting twenty highly skilled, highly paid professionals over what was normally just routine.
• 4:28
  It was like making a mountain out of a molehill.
• 4:31
  And the deeper issue wasn't the file, the deeper issue was control.
• 4:36
  Bill didn't have a strong leadership foundation yet, so he leaned on the two people who had his ear.
• 4:42
  And at that time, the company itself was also in a bit of transition.
• 4:46
  We were between CEOs and a CIO.
• 4:49
  So you can imagine how quickly confusion and chaos can creep into an organization when leadership is unsettled at the top.
• 4:55
  The changes weren't big at first, and the attacks weren't obvious at first either.
• 5:00
  It started subtle.
• 5:01
  Missed invitations to meetings, whispered rumors, unearned criticisms about my work and even my character.
• 5:08
  And you know that feeling when you hear something secondhand and you're like, wait, where is this coming from?
• 5:15
  Then it escalated.
• 5:17
  Projects got blocked, progress stalled.
• 5:20
  Not because the work wasn't good, but because the doors in front of me kept quietly closing.
• 5:25
  Team dynamics got weird.
• 5:27
  People who used to be friendly got distant, and it starts doing what this kind of situation always does.
• 5:33
  It makes you question yourself.
• 5:36
  You may start thinking, is it me?
• 5:37
  Am I imagining it?
• 5:38
  Did I do something wrong?
• 5:40
  And that is one of the most painful parts of workplace bullying.
• 5:44
  It's not just the sabotage, it's the confusion it creates inside you.
• 5:49
  Because when you can't point to one obvious incident, you start thinking you have to prove your sanity, prove your value, prove your goodness.
• 5:56
  And if you're not careful, you start living like your worth is on trial.
• 6:00
  Now I did get upset from time to time.
• 6:03
  I'm human.
• 6:04
  There were days I'd come home frustrated.
• 6:06
  Some days I'd replay conversations.
• 6:08
  Some days I'd think of what I should have said.
• 6:12
  But over time I began to realize something that changed the whole way I looked at this situation and how I handled it.
• 6:19
  And I want to say this carefully because I know how this sounds.
• 6:22
  Resilience doesn't mean you never get upset.
• 6:25
  You will get upset from time to time.
• 6:28
  I did, because you are human, and when someone is attacking your character or trying to exert power over you, that's painful.
• 6:36
  But for me, resilience started to look like steadiness and forgiveness.
• 6:41
  Because in the end, even though you know that you are right and you know that they are wrong, especially when someone is bullying you or trying to control you, if you refuse to engage in a negative way, it shows your character and it shows love.
• 6:57
  And I know that may sound crazy in this day and age, but it's something our world so desperately needs.
• 7:04
  Not because you're letting them off the hook, not because what they did is okay, but because you're not letting their behavior turn you into someone you don't respect.
• 7:15
  And that's real strength.
• 7:17
  That is the heart of it.
• 7:19
  Because here's what bullying tries to do.
• 7:21
  It tries to drag you down into the same emotional mud.
• 7:25
  It tries to get you reactive or impulsive, it tries to get you to explode or gossip or retaliate.
• 7:31
  So you look like the problem rather than just a victim of the situation.
• 7:35
  And here's a side note.
• 7:37
  You are not the victim here.
• 7:39
  You may be a victim as in the receiver of their unjust attack, but you are never a victim in the helpless sense of the word.
• 7:46
  You are so much more.
• 7:48
  And speaking of that, I began to realize there was more to it than this situation.
• 7:52
  The more I reflected on it, the clearer certain things became.
• 7:57
  Then I realized I can't control Bill, but I can control me.
• 8:01
  I can't control what he says in a hallway, but I can control what I do in my meetings.
• 8:06
  I can't control the politics, but I can control my integrity.
• 8:10
  And I remember thinking I'm not going to become someone I don't respect just because someone else is acting out of insecurity.
• 8:16
  That was the beginning of resilience for me.
• 8:18
  Not pretending it didn't hurt, not stuffing it, but choosing steadiness anyway.
• 8:24
  Now I also want to talk about the seriousness of this because this is more than work stress for some people.
• 8:30
  There is a sort of, I wouldn't say punishment, but we're, but maybe what they would call in religious circles a cross to bear.
• 8:38
  Because when you're in the thick of it and it feels like everyone is against you, it can feel easy to give up.
• 8:44
  It can feel hopeless.
• 8:45
  And I know some people who have gotten so low in situations like this that they've even thought about taking their own life.
• 8:52
  And what I want to say is that's never the answer.
• 8:55
  Never.
• 8:56
  Because as bleak as things might seem, there's always a way out.
• 9:00
  There's another job, there's another opportunity somewhere.
• 9:03
  You may not see it when you're in the thick of it, but it is there.
• 9:07
  And if you're listening right now and you're feeling that low, please don't carry that alone.
• 9:12
  Reach out to someone today, a friend, a family member, a pastor, a counselor, someone.
• 9:18
  And if you're in the U.S., you can call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
• 9:26
  If you're outside the U.S., contact your local emergency number or a crisis line in your area.
• 9:32
  I want to underline that.
• 9:33
  You have more options than you can see right now.
• 9:36
  And you are worth fighting for.
• 9:38
  If you're listening and you're in a dark place right now, please hear me.
• 9:42
  You're not trapped forever.
• 9:44
  You're not defined by this season, and you are not alone, even if it feels like it.
• 9:50
  Now back to the practical side, because hope needs steps.
• 9:53
  For me, I had support, even though it felt small.
• 9:57
  For me, I had one close confidant.
• 9:59
  I also had another one close to me and a family member.
• 10:02
  And even surprisingly, my own son, my second oldest, was actually very understanding and helpful, in fact.
• 10:10
  And he didn't like to see his dad going through this.
• 10:13
  But I also wanted to show him what perseverance really looked like in the face of rejection and attacks on your character.
• 10:20
  That mattered to me more than I can explain.
• 10:23
  Because when you're a parent, your kids are watching how you handle pressure.
• 10:27
  They're watching whether you become bitter or better.
• 10:30
  They're watching whether you crumble or endure.
• 10:33
  And I wasn't trying to act tough.
• 10:35
  I was trying to stay true.
• 10:37
  Now here's the breakthrough that became my anchor.
• 10:40
  When you're being bullied, you have two jobs.
• 10:42
  One is internal, one is external.
• 10:44
  Internally, you have to keep your identity clean.
• 10:47
  Meaning, don't let the job title become your worth.
• 10:50
  Don't let the manager become your judge.
• 10:52
  Don't let the workplace become your whole world.
• 10:55
  Externally, you have to regain your options, meaning you quietly build a path forward.
• 11:01
  That's how you stay free.
• 11:04
  So let's talk about the internal part first.
• 11:06
  Because if you lose that, nothing else matters.
• 11:09
  The important thing is don't be defined by your job or role.
• 11:12
  You are so much more than what you do.
• 11:15
  Center yourself.
• 11:17
  On your off time, do fun activities you love.
• 11:20
  Be with a friend.
• 11:21
  If you can't be with a friend, then do something that gives you joy or chat with someone at a local coffee shop.
• 11:28
  It's up to you what you do.
• 11:29
  Just try to do whatever you need to do that grounds and centers you.
• 11:34
  That right there is wisdom.
• 11:36
  Because bullying wants to shrink your life down to one arena.
• 11:40
  It wants your whole week to be about them.
• 11:43
  But the moment you widen your life again, friends, family, nature, hobbies, faith, service, creativity, something breaks.
• 11:51
  The power breaks.
• 11:53
  You remember I'm a whole person.
• 11:54
  This is one chapter, not the whole book.
• 11:56
  Now the external part, regaining options.
• 11:59
  This is where strategy comes in.
• 12:02
  And I want to keep this practical and loving because that's what helps most when you're in it.
• 12:08
  Because yes, people want retaliation sometimes.
• 12:11
  They want to get even, they want to humiliate the person who humiliated them.
• 12:17
  I understand that impulse, but retaliation often chains you to the very person you want to be free from.
• 12:23
  So instead, you build leverage, you build options, and you build an exit strategy, not out of fear, but out of wisdom.
• 12:31
  For me, I made a vow that changed everything.
• 12:33
  I would control my future, not Bill.
• 12:36
  So I worked nights and weekends on personal projects.
• 12:40
  I kept my performance strong at work because I wanted my integrity intact and my reputation clean.
• 12:46
  But I stopped living like my future depended on one manager's approval, and over time two things happened at once.
• 12:54
  One, his behavior started to catch up with him.
• 12:57
  Other departments noticed, concerns surfaced, and eventually he was demoted and moved out and later left the company.
• 13:04
  Two, I grew.
• 13:05
  And that growth changed my whole trajectory.
• 13:08
  It pushed me toward entrepreneurship, it pushed me toward building my own path, it pushed me toward becoming the kind of leader who would never do that to someone else.
• 13:19
  And that's the part I really want to end with today.
• 13:21
  Because the suffering isn't the end of the story, it can become the training ground.
• 13:26
  Here's the thing I want to stress.
• 13:28
  It also makes you a better leader in the future.
• 13:32
  From this experience, I knew for certain that I would never treat my employees or my subordinates or those under me in a negative way that wasn't fair.
• 13:42
  I would be consciously aware, more so because of this experience.
• 13:45
  And if I seen someone under me, a manager leading their team in such a way, I would be sure to call it out.
• 13:52
  Not out of anger, but out of love.
• 13:54
  Love for them because I don't want them to do something that they may regret, or maybe not even realizing that they are doing it, and also out of love for the people that they're leading.
• 14:06
  That's leadership.
• 14:07
  It's not revenge, but rather it's redemption.
• 14:10
  It's taking pain and turning it into wisdom.
• 14:13
  Now let me share a detail that still surprises me because it shows something about human beings, even the ones who hurt us.
• 14:20
  As for me, I said that uh that manager that I had, the bully manager that I called Bill, he ended up eventually being demoted, going to a different department altogether, and then eventually left the company.
• 14:35
  But also, uh, what was amazing is at one of my my private one-on-one meetings that I had with this manager, after I basically had, I wouldn't say won the argument, but the battle that I was enduring was resolved.
• 14:49
  They had told me that they watched a Christmas movie with their family, and it was a movie that I had mentioned a while back, almost like something that I said rubbed off.
• 14:58
  And they said that they were gonna make it a family tradition.
• 15:02
  Now, this movie was the classic movie, It's a Wonderful Life, which has a great message of love in it.
• 15:08
  And when he said that, I remember thinking, wow, even in a situation that felt toxic, there was still a human being in there somewhere.
• 15:17
  There was still a family, there was still a heart that could soften.
• 15:22
  And to me, that was a reminder that your influence is not always obvious in the moment.
• 15:28
  Sometimes you're planting seeds while you're also enduring pain.
• 15:33
  And that's why forgiveness matters.
• 15:34
  Forgiveness doesn't excuse wrongdoing.
• 15:37
  Forgiveness keeps you from being owned by it.
• 15:40
  Forgiveness is you saying, I'm not going to carry your poison in my body.
• 15:45
  Now let's turn this into a practical guide for anyone listening who's in this right now.
• 15:49
  Here are loving, steady steps, things you can actually do.
• 15:54
  First, document reality, not as a weapon, but rather as clarity of facts.
• 16:00
  Facts about your work, facts about the situations, or things that were said, maybe even those false statements about you and possibly proof that they are false.
• 16:10
  Keep a simple record of key moments, dates, project milestones, feedback, emails, outcomes.
• 16:16
  If something feels off, write it down.
• 16:18
  If your work is being blocked, note it.
• 16:21
  If your deliverables are being questioned, keep the receipts.
• 16:24
  This isn't pettiness, this is protection.
• 16:27
  Second, find one safe person, just one, a trusted colleague, a mentor, a family member, a counselor, someone who can hear you, tell you the truth, and help you stay grounded.
• 16:39
  Undermining grows in isolation.
• 16:41
  It shrinks when it's spoken out loud in a safe place.
• 16:45
  Third, don't let this shrink your life.
• 16:48
  This is where you center yourself.
• 16:50
  Do what brings you joy, hike, music, projects, coffee shop conversations, church, community, gym, anything that reconnects you to your humanity.
• 17:02
  Fourth, build an exit strategy quietly.
• 17:05
  Update your resume, strengthen a skill, network gently, explore opportunities.
• 17:11
  If you can build a side project, build it.
• 17:13
  If you can't, build your professional leverage.
• 17:16
  You don't have to quit tomorrow, but you do need to stop feeling trapped.
• 17:21
  Fifth, protect your spirit from retaliation.
• 17:25
  This is big.
• 17:26
  When you feel wronged, your body wants to fight, but fighting the wrong way can cost you your peace, your reputation, and your future.
• 17:34
  So instead you choose the higher road, not because you're weak, but because you're strong.
• 17:39
  You stay excellent and you remain steady, you stay kind without being naive, you set boundaries without becoming hateful, and you forgive, not because they deserve it, but because you do.
• 17:50
  And here's the deepest part of the breakthrough today.
• 17:53
  Even though that time was difficult, I don't regret it.
• 17:57
  I don't regret it one bit.
• 17:59
  Of course, at the time I didn't like it at all, and I do not want to go through that again.
• 18:04
  I eventually rose to the top of my profession within the next three years, and I could look back on it now and say, that was an experience that taught me lessons.
• 18:13
  That's the story you want.
• 18:14
  Not I was bullied, but I was bullied, and it did not define me.
• 18:20
  So here's your listener challenge, simple and real.
• 18:24
  If you're in a hard work season, do three things this week.
• 18:28
  One, write down five facts about your value.
• 18:31
  Real facts, wins, outcomes, projects, strengths.
• 18:35
  Don't let someone else rewrite your identity.
• 18:38
  Two, choose one centering practice for after work.
• 18:42
  One, a walk, a friend, a hobby, a coffee shop, time with family, something that reminds you you're more than your job.
• 18:51
  Three, take one quiet step toward options, update a resume, learn one skill, reach out to one person, apply for one role, anything that says there is a way out.
• 19:03
  Because there is.
• 19:04
  And if you're carrying that cross-to-bear feeling, if it feels heavy, if it feels lonely, please remember this.
• 19:10
  This is a season, not a sentence.
• 19:13
  Now, if you found value in today's episode, would you help us get more amazing life breakthroughs to more people?
• 19:20
  You can do that by sharing this episode with someone who's been carrying stress at work lately.
• 19:25
  And if you haven't yet, please take a moment to subscribe or follow the podcast so you don't miss future episodes.
• 19:32
  And if you'd like to support the mission financially, you can make a small donation at AmazingLifebreakthrough.com.
• 19:40
  Every bit helps us keep this message going and helps someone else hear the breakthrough they needed right on time.
• 19:47
  Thanks for spending this time with me on Amazing Life Breakthrough.
• 19:51
  And remember to live life to the fullest.