Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Handle a Direct Report Who Is Also a Mentor
Transcript
- Lucas: So you just got promoted, and the person who trained you, who showed you the ropes, who vouched for you — they're now sitting in your one-on-one as your direct report. That's the scenario we're diving into today. Luna: It's one of the most uncomfortable transitions in work life, honestly. You owe them a lot, and suddenly you're supposed to give them a performance rating. Lucas: Right. And the instinct is usually to overcompensate — either by becoming overly deferential, which reads as weak, or by going the opposite direction and being extra tough to prove you're not playing favorites. Both are traps. Luna: Yeah, I've seen that happen. A friend of mine, she got promoted to manage the guy who'd been her unofficial mentor for years. The first thing she did was apologize for giving him feedback. That set a terrible precedent. Lucas: Apologizing for feedback is basically telling your team that feedback is a punishment. And your former mentor—let's call him Dan—he's not going to respect that. Nobody does. So what's the alternative? I think the key is to acknowledge the history explicitly, right up front, and then reset the frame. Luna: So you're saying have a 'let's talk about us' conversation early? Lucas: Exactly. And not just once. The first time is the most important. You sit down with Dan, one-on-one, and you say something like, 'I want to be direct about the elephant in the room. You taught me a huge amount, and I'm grateful. That relationship still matters to me. But my role has changed, and I need to be your manager now. I'm not going to pretend I know more than you about everything — I don't. But I am responsible for the team's outcomes and for your development. So I'll be giving you feedback, and I need you to treat me as your manager, not as your former mentee.' Luna: That's really specific. And it's honest. It doesn't pretend the past doesn't exist, but it also claims the new authority. Lucas: And that's exactly the balance you want. You're not asking permission to be the boss, you're informing them of the new reality while still honoring what came before. It's a subtle but critical difference in tone. Luna: But what if your former mentor doesn't accept it? What if they keep treating you like the kid they trained, undermining you in meetings or going around you? Lucas: That's when you have to be more firm. You reinforce the boundary, but you do it privately first. 'When you contradicted me in the team meeting yesterday, it undermined the team's trust in my decisions. If you have a different view, bring it to me beforehand, and we'll discuss it. But in the room, we need to be aligned.' Luna: So you're not saying 'don't disagree', you're saying 'disagree with me in private'. Lucas: Precisely. That's a standard rule for any direct report, but it's especially important with a former mentor, because there's a default pattern where they're used to correcting you. You have to break that pattern deliberately. Luna: And what about the reverse? What if you're so worried about being seen as ungrateful that you avoid giving them any feedback at all, even when they need it? Lucas: Yeah, that's the other trap. You end up being a pushover, and eventually resentment builds up on both sides. The mentor feels like you're not helping them grow, and the team sees you playing favorites. Luna: That's a lose-lose. So how do you find the middle ground? Lucas: I think the key is to separate the relationship from the role. You can still talk to them as a mentor occasionally, ask for advice on your own career, but in the context of work tasks and performance, you're the boss. It's a dual-track approach. Luna: But doesn't that get confusing? One minute you're asking them for career advice, the next you're telling them their project is off track? Lucas: It can be, but you can make it work by being explicit about which hat you're wearing. You can say, 'Hey, I'd love to get your perspective on this as a mentor, not as my direct report.' Or, 'Okay, now I'm putting on my manager hat for a second.' It sounds a little mechanical, but it helps both of you switch gears. Luna: I like that. It's like a signal that you're shifting the context. And it gives the other person permission to respond differently. Lucas: Exactly. And this is where I want to mention something that's been on my mind. We keep this show free and ad-free, and honestly, that's only possible because some listeners chip in to support it. If today's episode helped you think through a tricky situation, and you've got a dollar or two to spare, you can buy me a coffee at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's a tiny ask, but it genuinely keeps us going. Luna: Yeah, and it's a great way to say thanks if you've gotten value out of any of our episodes. No pressure, but we appreciate it. Lucas: Now, back to the dual-track approach. I've seen it work really well when the former mentor is genuinely supportive. They can become your biggest ally, because they have credibility with the team and they've invested in your success. Luna: So the goal isn't to push them away, but to keep them close while also establishing your own authority. Lucas: Right. And there's a specific opportunity there. Since they taught you a lot, they likely know the team's history, the unwritten rules, the landmines. You can leverage that knowledge without it being awkward. You just have to be the one who decides what to do with it. Luna: So you're saying ask them for intel, but make your own calls. Lucas: Exactly. And that's actually a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows you're confident enough to use all available resources. But the decision is yours. Luna: What about the rest of the team? How do you handle the perception that you're just 'Dan's friend' and that he has your ear? Lucas: That's a real concern. You need to be extra careful about visibility and fairness. Make sure you're seen making decisions independently, maybe even going against Dan's advice sometimes—not to prove a point, but to show you're weighing everything. And don't give Dan any special access or perks. He should be treated like any other direct report. Luna: And if a teammate comes to you complaining about Dan, you can't just wave it off because he's your mentor. Lucas: No, you absolutely must take it seriously and investigate it like you would with anyone else. That's non-negotiable. The moment you show favoritism, you lose the team. Luna: So the themes are: acknowledge the history, set boundaries, keep the mentor relationship separate, and be scrupulously fair. Anything else? Lucas: One more thing: be patient. This is a transition for both of you. There will be awkward moments, and you'll both make mistakes. But if you handle it with honesty and respect, it can actually strengthen your relationship. You're not just a former mentee; you're now a peer—and sometimes that's even better. Luna: That's a nice way to look at it. It's about growing together rather than growing apart. Lucas: Exactly. And if you're in this situation right now, I'd love to hear how it goes. You can reach us on social media. But for now, I think the takeaway is to have that first conversation early, be direct, and keep the lines of communication open. Luna: And remember, you're not alone. This is one of the most common challenges for new managers. It's hard, but it's totally navigable. Lucas: Thanks for listening, everyone. We'll catch you next time.