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I Choose ... to Create Difficult Boundaries with David Archuleta · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: back to I Choose Me. I'm continuing my conversation with
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: David Archaletta, American idol Icon best selling author of Devout
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: and someone who courageously models the choice to live life authentically.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Here's more with David. I know from reading your book
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: that you saw a lot of things as a kid
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: that you shouldn't have been subject to abuse in your
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: family and whatnot, and so separating from a parent is
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: very hard, and often you get guilt from doing it,
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: from standing on your own and telling your own truth.
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  Speaker 1: I'm sure you had to have felt that, because I
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  Speaker 1: can relate to that as well. Did you? And even
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: about you know, I didn't really even write about this
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  Speaker 1: part in my book about my relationship with my parents
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  Speaker 1: in these terms. But how did you deal with any
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  Speaker 1: guilt that you might have felt?
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  Speaker 2: Or Oh, I felt so guilty. I felt so I
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  Speaker 2: felt like such a betrayer. Yeah, but I mean my
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  Speaker 2: dad let me know that how much I betrayed him
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: as well.
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  Speaker 1: Which didn't help your narrative.
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  Speaker 2: I'm sure I believed him. I believed I was betraying
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  Speaker 2: my dad. I was going against our beliefs that family
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  Speaker 2: comes first, and you're supposed to respect your parents and
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  Speaker 2: honor thy father and mother. It's one of the Ten commandments.
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  Speaker 2: Even so, I felt like I was being very disrespectful,
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  Speaker 2: and you know, it was hard to know because my
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  Speaker 2: dad would rant and rage of everything I had done
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  Speaker 2: to him and how horrible of a son I was
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: to him, and I would believe him because he was
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  Speaker 2: my dad. And I was also kind of conditioned not
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  Speaker 2: to really speak up for myself and to speak back
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  Speaker 2: to him because he was my dad, and so the
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: only things I was really allowed to say were things
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  Speaker 2: that he approved of. And I think it was a
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  Speaker 2: relationshipship and a father to child dynamic that was more
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  Speaker 2: unique to the relationship we had together, because it's different
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  Speaker 2: with other siblings. Even though same dad, same house, it
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  Speaker 2: was very different dynamic of what he expected of me.
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  Speaker 2: It just got to a point where I would say,
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  Speaker 2: I would ask because I was so confused. I'm like,
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  Speaker 2: he keeps bringing up all the horrible things I've done
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  Speaker 2: to him, And when I would ask him to specify,
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  Speaker 2: I'm like, Dad, what, like, what can you explain to
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  Speaker 2: me what I did wrong and what I did to you?
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  Speaker 2: I would love to apologize for it, but I want
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  Speaker 2: to know what it is because you keep bringing it up.
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  Speaker 2: I'm confused, and he would like divert the conversation. He
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: would avoid answering me clearly because there wasn't anything specific
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  Speaker 2: that I was doing him. It was just a tactic
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: he used to make me feel guilty and have to
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: apologize to him. And even this last time I spoke
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  Speaker 2: to him, I was just before the book, when I
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: was trying to get the quote, I was just like, Dad,
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  Speaker 2: what were you? Please give me something specific? I need specifics.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: Speak to me clearly. And He's just like, well, just
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  Speaker 2: all the ways you've treated me, and I just you know,
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  Speaker 2: why would a son ever do that to his father?
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  Speaker 2: And I was just like, what do what? Please tell me?
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  Speaker 2: And he I don't think he even knew himself because
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  Speaker 2: I was. I kept like like, okay, no, I'm not
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  Speaker 2: gonna let like tell me specifically what I'm doing to you.
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  Speaker 2: You can't give me a straight answer because I'm not
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  Speaker 2: doing anything to you.
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  Speaker 1: And dies that help you become just stronger and stronger
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  Speaker 1: and stronger.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it made me realize that, Okay, I'm not insane.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not a crazy person.
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  Speaker 1: I'm not a spoiled brat.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, he would call me. He would say how
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  Speaker 2: self righteous I was and how much of a high
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  Speaker 2: horse I was on. And it came to realize it
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  Speaker 2: wasn't the way that I was treating him. It was
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  Speaker 2: the fact that he felt like I wasn't seeing things
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  Speaker 2: his way right. And I was like, Dad, I hope
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  Speaker 2: you see I'm listening to you and I've seen and
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  Speaker 2: I hope you feel like I think he just felt
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  Speaker 2: misunderstood and he felt misunderstood with his intentions with me,
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  Speaker 2: And I was like, Dad, I appreciate what you've done
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  Speaker 2: and like what you tried to do to me as
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  Speaker 2: a dad, I just hope you see that some of
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  Speaker 2: the things that even though they were well intentioned, they
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  Speaker 2: didn't have great outcomes, okay, can be exhausting. And I
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  Speaker 2: was like, you would get obsessive with me, You wouldn't
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  Speaker 2: give me a break, Like it was I wasn't really
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  Speaker 2: even allowed to speak up for myself.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, he made you like rehearse and over and over
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  Speaker 1: and over and over all night.
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  Speaker 2: He for for hours, yeah at a time, and it
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  Speaker 2: was like, I swear he's ocd of with it. And
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  Speaker 2: if I would just be like, okay, like I'm done,
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  Speaker 2: like I don't, he's like no, like it just wasn't
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  Speaker 2: an option. And if I disagreed with him, or if
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  Speaker 2: I said I don't want to do this anymore, like
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  Speaker 2: I don't like what you're doing, he would be like, oh,
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  Speaker 2: you don't understand me. Well, we have to have this
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  Speaker 2: discussion now, and it would last for hours, and it's
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  Speaker 2: like he never got tired of talking. So I would
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  Speaker 2: just have to like and if I said, okay, Dad,
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to go, I was disrespecting him and how
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  Speaker 2: dare you disrespect your father like that? And how darey?
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  Speaker 2: And then he would be like how could you treat
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  Speaker 2: me this way? And his energy just continued getting more
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  Speaker 2: intense and more times more intense, and then he would
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  Speaker 2: talk about He's like, I have person I am your father.
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  Speaker 2: As your father, I have it was divinely called from God.
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  Speaker 2: That is a divine calling I have as your father.
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  Speaker 2: I can receive revelation for you. You don't understand that my
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  Speaker 2: intentions are always in your best interest and no one
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  Speaker 2: will look at you the same way I do because
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  Speaker 2: I have revelation from God. No one will be able
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  Speaker 2: to guide you and help you and understand you the
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  Speaker 2: way I do. And I would have to apologize to
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  Speaker 2: him for even disagreeing or wanting him to stop. So
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  Speaker 2: I'd be like, okay, okay, I'm sorry, Dad, and he'd
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  Speaker 2: be like, it's okay, son, but I don't I just
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  Speaker 2: don't understand why you treat me this way. But it
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  Speaker 2: was like this like never ending loop of manipulation that
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  Speaker 2: I didn't know at the time. Now I do, thankfully,
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  Speaker 2: you know, therapy and my siblings helped have helped me
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  Speaker 2: a lot. But when my dad would then say, He's like,
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  Speaker 2: you just never understood me, And I'm like, hey, Dad,
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  Speaker 2: but can you realize can we acknowledge that I'm not
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  Speaker 2: mistreating you. I know you may feel that I'm mistreating you,
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  Speaker 2: like treating in a bad way, but we have to
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  Speaker 2: acknowledge this for what it is. You don't like that
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  Speaker 2: I don't agree with you, that doesn't mean I'm treating
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  Speaker 2: you in a bad way, okay, And you can't use
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  Speaker 2: that again. You can't use that against me just because
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  Speaker 2: I disagree with you. And he also just like, well
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  Speaker 2: you don't understand me. I'm like, and that's okay. You
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  Speaker 2: don't understand me either the way you think you do.
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  Speaker 2: And I may not understand everything about you, but I
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  Speaker 2: can still respect you, and I don't have to agree
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  Speaker 2: with everything you say to understand you. And just because
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  Speaker 2: I don't agree with you and don't understand everything about
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  Speaker 2: you does not make me a whole son, and it
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  Speaker 2: doesn't mean I'm treating you horribly. So I but it
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  Speaker 2: was like a weird thing that I was finally finding
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  Speaker 2: peace with all the times he had said all this
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  Speaker 2: stuff before. And there are times where he could talk
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  Speaker 2: to me for three, four or five.
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  Speaker 1: Hours, Oh my god, and my brain would explode.
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  Speaker 2: I did, I but it's like he knew how to
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  Speaker 2: wear you down.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 2: And my mom dealt with it too, which is why
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  Speaker 2: she ran away. When she ran away to California and
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  Speaker 2: didn't want to come back, And the only reason she
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  Speaker 2: came back it was because my dad said, I'm going
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  Speaker 2: to take David Todddish for American Idol, and I need
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  Speaker 2: we don't know how long this experience is going to take,
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  Speaker 2: and I need you to be here with the kids.
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  Speaker 2: And my mom I think she knew this, like she
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  Speaker 2: knew my dad was a manipulative. I don't think my
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  Speaker 2: dad realizes how manipulative he is.
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  Speaker 1: No, I don't think certain people ever. Yeah, kind of
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  Speaker 1: have that aha moment sadly, Yeah, have you kind of
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  Speaker 1: come to terms with the fact that he may never
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  Speaker 1: ever see from your perspective.
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  Speaker 2: As long as I don't bring up my career and singing,
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  Speaker 2: he's good.
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  Speaker 1: But you talk openly to him about your life. I
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  Speaker 1: talked to your relationships, like your sexuality. Are you able
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  Speaker 1: to he.
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  Speaker 2: Even though I wasn't really talking to my dad much,
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  Speaker 2: I did call him after I came out publicly so
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  Speaker 2: that he knew, and he was just like, son, I'm
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  Speaker 2: so proud of you. He's like, thirty years ago, this
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  Speaker 2: would have been unheard of a Mormon public figure, Mormon
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  Speaker 2: celebrity coming out.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so surprised.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, he was. He said he was really happy for
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  Speaker 2: me and really proud of me, which I wasn't expecting.
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  Speaker 2: But I was really relieved to hear. Right. But it's
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  Speaker 2: just when we talk about things in the past, like
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  Speaker 2: things that from the book are triggers. So but it took,
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  Speaker 2: like I said, it took like fifteen years to make boundaries.
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  Speaker 2: There's a moment in the book where I talk about
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  Speaker 2: how I just I cut him off. I blocked his number,
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  Speaker 2: and that was that. And it was just a hard
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  Speaker 2: like you, if you're not going to be okay with
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  Speaker 2: me living my own life and feel like you have
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  Speaker 2: to you have to put me down and wear me
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  Speaker 2: down to the point where I lose all my self
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  Speaker 2: esteem and all my confidence of myself. That and I
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: have to be convinced that you need to come back
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  Speaker 2: and tell me and control everything in my life. Then
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  Speaker 2: we're not having a relationship. And he wasn't okay with that,
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  Speaker 2: and he tried for years to get back into working
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  Speaker 2: and being involved in my life in a working stance
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  Speaker 2: and a financial stance because I was too stupid to
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  Speaker 2: do anything my own.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, he convinced you that you were too stupid to
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  Speaker 1: handle it on your own. He convinced you that he
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  Speaker 1: is the reason you were had become famous, the reason
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  Speaker 1: that you were successful.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, And he did take me to American
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  Speaker 2: Idol audition, but I don't think and he did spend
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: hours trying to teach me the things he knew. But
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: in the end, my dad can't sing the way I can.
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  Speaker 2: He didn't teach me how to sing, like there's something
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  Speaker 2: that was just your gift in me. Yeah, thank you,
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  Speaker 2: Like I think that's the first time I ever say
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  Speaker 2: that too, because I'm like, well, I don't want to
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  Speaker 2: disrespect my dad. It's like, Dad, no, you were inspired
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  Speaker 2: by me to help me, to want to see me
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  Speaker 2: do what I did. But you know I didn't. You
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  Speaker 2: didn't tell me how to do what I'm doing. It
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: was just it's just a part of what I do.
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  Speaker 2: So you can't take credit for where I am today.
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  Speaker 2: But in the end, he would, you know, back then,
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  Speaker 2: he would say, well, i'm your dad, you know I was.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know.
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  Speaker 1: You wouldn't be here without me.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, you wouldn't be here without me. I sacrifice so
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  Speaker 2: much of my time and my money, and I gave
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  Speaker 2: you voice lessons and things like that. So he's like,
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  Speaker 2: you owe me, And so it got to a point
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  Speaker 2: whe I'm like, okay, I've given you enough money at
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: this point, because I was paying him a normal salary
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: as a manager, and I was paying for him. Any
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: time he said that I should pay him, well, you
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  Speaker 2: owe me the X amount of money. Well you need
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: to give me this X amount this amount now and
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  Speaker 2: I'll just I had to learn the hard way that
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  Speaker 2: there is never enough. Yeah, there was never enough for him.
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  Speaker 1: And you couldn't probably say no because you just get
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  Speaker 1: berated for hours.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it is rough, but you found the strength you
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: left right after American idol, like the height for you
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  Speaker 1: of that moment, and you left to do a missionary.
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  Speaker 2: To be a missionary Yeah yeah, and.
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  Speaker 1: You took a sabbatical from this wild world that you
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: were living in. Do you think that had an impact
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  Speaker 1: on you? Like, what kind of an impact did that
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: have on you? Because then you had to come back.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. I was so excited to leave because I felt
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  Speaker 2: like it was the first time I got to leave.
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  Speaker 2: And basically it was like it was a big f
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  Speaker 2: you to everything my dad was claiming he had built.
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  Speaker 2: Because if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be anything.
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  Speaker 2: It wasn't just I wouldn't be where I was. I
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: wouldn't be anything if it weren't for him. I was
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  Speaker 2: such a to him, like I was painted like I
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: was such a mess. I was a failure. I was
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: a lost cause. But thanks to my dad, I've become
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: something and somebody. So for him, he was sending me
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  Speaker 2: so many messages, calling me so many times, texting me
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: so much because he was so pissed that I was
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: going on a mission, because he felt like I was
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: stopping him in the face, because it was like, after
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: everything I'd done for you, he was and he was
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: always involving the family. It's like, if you leave, you
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: were leaving your whole family because they financially rely on
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  Speaker 2: you now and for me. But you know, looking back,
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, that's not my responsibility. That's supposed to
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: be yours. But he also was saying, well, I gave
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: up my career and my business to support you, so
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: how dare you? Yeah? And how dare you leave? That
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: was scary goes the money, Yeah, that was a scary
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  Speaker 2: thing because I'm like, I don't want my family to
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: be in a bad position.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: How did you get the strength to choose to do that?
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: Well? Well, because it was a religious thing. I felt like,
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: I'm doing God's work, and if we're in God's hands,
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: then if I'm doing the most important thing I could
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: be doing right now, which is to be a missionary
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  Speaker 2: for God, don't you think he will provide? So I
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: looked at it as I have enough faith that God
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: will provide for my family even if they're not relying
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: on me. And I know that they've become dependent on me.
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  Speaker 2: So I didn't know how the transition was going to
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: be for me to not be in the picture anymore.
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  Speaker 2: But I was still financially involved for my mom. I
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: was paying her mortgage because she didn't have a job.
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  Speaker 2: She was told the same things my dad told me.
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  Speaker 2: My dad told her so he would say, you're too
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  Speaker 2: stupid to work. You didn't finish school, you don't have
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: an education. You're English. Your English isn't good. You suck
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: at math like you can't. You're supposed to be a
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: mom and stay home. That's the mom's role. And I
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: mean that was came from our church too, like the
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: dad is the provider and the mom takes care of
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: the kids. But now that they were going to get divorced,
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: it was a really ugly divorce. My dad put my
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: mom in a very difficult position. It was to the
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: point where he was trying to get her to pay
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: him alimony. And it's like, wait, you told her she
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: didn't have money. You know that she doesn't have money
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: because you never allowed her to work, So how is
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: she supposed to give you alimony. That didn't make any sense.
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: But she didn't have any legal representation, she didn't have
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: any dy afford it. So I was like, Mom, you
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: anything you need, you let me know. I will provide.
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  Speaker 2: But she didn't want to ask me because she didn't.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: Want to be She didn't want to be like him
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: that current.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but it's so so I made sure she was
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: able to have a mortgage. But I was like, Mom,
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: I'm going to give you two hundred bucks for anything
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: else groceries, but you need to have to figure out
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: the rest on your own. But you don't have to
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: worry about a mortgage. And you got two hundred dollars.
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  Speaker 2: But she's like, that was hard. She's like the first
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: part of it, it was hard. My sisters were used
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: to being provided, you know, having stuff for what they need,
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  Speaker 2: and when my mom's like, I can't have they we
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: was like why not? Yeah, And they would get spoiled
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: by my dad, you know, with things that they needed.
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  Speaker 1: So it's a bad position to be put in all around.
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  Speaker 1: Even though you rose to fame at that young age
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  Speaker 1: at seventeen, you sold millions of albums. You've worked with
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: some of the biggest players in the industry. You talk
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: about having imposter syndrome and being full of self doubt
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: and feeling intense worthlessness, and I'm seeing all the pieces
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: of the puzzle come together through you telling your story,
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: and I'm just I feel I feel so sad, but
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: at the same time so happy for the strength that
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: you've discovered in yourself through all of this.
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  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: I mean, what a journey. Do you still feel imposter syndrome?
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: Because I talk about that and I still feel it.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: You feel it?
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: I feel it all the time.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: Hmmm.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like I have to fight those negative voices
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: in my own mind telling me that I'm not enough
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: for that somebody else is doing this better than me.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: Why do I even bother? Do you still deal with
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: those thoughts?
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, oh my gosh, all the time. And it's it's
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: hard because sometimes you want to treat yourself the way
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: when those negative thoughts come in. You want to give
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: yourself what you think you deserve. Like even if other
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: people are treating you well and think higher of yourself
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: than you do, and so they and you know they
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: treat you well and respectfully, and you tell yourself, I
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: don't deserve that. So you look for ways to sabotage
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: yourself even, yeah, because you believe that's what you deserve,
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: because you're like, I don't deserve this, this is and
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: someone else should be here. I totally relate when you
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: said that, and.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: Then like you like you want to just blow the
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: house up. Like some times I feel like i'm things.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: I feel so unworthy of all the fortune that I
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: have around me and the love that I have around me.
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm like I just need to burn this house
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: down because I don't I don't deserve this.
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: What what like? What what do you? Yeah? Why do
• 19:21
  Speaker 2: you feel like you don't deserve I don't know what
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: you have?
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: Do you do you understand it?
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: Like yeah, I yeah, I guess. I just wonder what
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: causes you to feel like to what you have, Like
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: you like you should even destroy what you have because
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: it's like I don't deserve this.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: I think that's like there's some guilt for being famous,
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: some guilt for being the one in the family that
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: has success on the level that I do. Maybe you
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: can relate the guilt of having a good life when
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: others don't. Yeah, I think it's all about guilt and
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: shame and I know that shame is not something that
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: we should carry around because it's like the death of us.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: It's interesting, I mean because I can work through it now,
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: like I have the tools from learning and being in
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: therapy and you know, really understanding that about myself, I can.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: I'm able to in the moment handle it much differently
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: than I used to be able to and like give
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: myself grace and love myself even in those those thoughts
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: and then those thoughts sort of dissipate. But I do
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: think there's something there about like getting a certain level
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: of attention that other people don't get.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: You know, maybe it's maybe it is like the universe's
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: way of saying keeping you in the hance that it's
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: like I don't want you to completely believe this, but
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: I do want to just bring you back over here
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: just so that you're in a more centered place of
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: life and as a human if anything, Because I think
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: we see a lot of people who who.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: Do they buy it, They buy themselves.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: They buy themselves, and I think it's just unhealthy. Yeah,
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: it's unhealthy in another way. So it may not be
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: fully healthy to experience shame at the amount that we
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: can feel. Beck Yeah, because I'm there have been times
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: where I'm like, I don't deserve this, so I'm not
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: people want you to do something, You're like, no, because
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: I don't deserve that. I don't deserve too. But it's like,
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: you know, if you look at it's like.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: You're you got to think about all the accomplishments that
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: you've had in your life. I mean, even for you
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: after so many years of being closeted by your religion
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: and your faith and being told that who you love
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: is wrong. I mean, the that takes so much, so
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: much like depth and grit and just belief in yourself
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: and love for yourself to defy that and come out
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: and live your life the way you want to live it.
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, if anything, it was like such an amazing It
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: was such a crummy place to be right before, because
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: you're at your lowest of lows, because you're realizing you
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: have to get jump over here in order to keep
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: continuing in life and as a person and to accept yourself.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: That's a big leap.
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: But it's yeah, it's a big leap because you're at
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: such a low and you haven't learned how to make
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: that transition yet. You haven't found how to go. It's
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: like such an incline.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's like about haven't discovered how to trust yourself
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: fully because you've never been given the opportunity to trust yourself,
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: because you've always had someone calling the shots.
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I willfully gave that away. I willfully became
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: a codependent person. There are parts about it being that
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: way that are easy. Yeah, it makes a lot of
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: other things a lot more tricky and difficult. But not
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: having to think of what am I supposed to do
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: and how do I do this? Now? It's nice if
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: someone else is doing it for you. But when it
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: came to the point where there was I saw a
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: conflict and tension between what was actually right for me
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: and where I needed to go and where my church
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: was my safety net and my guidelines. It told me
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: everything I could and couldn't do. It made life so
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: safe and easy. I didn't have to I didn't have
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: to think for myself in a lot of ways. But
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: with the sexuality is like, I'm not even thinking about it.
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: It's just there, you know, And I'm trying to follow
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: the rules they gave me, and it's actually not working
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: for me.
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: You tried, how are you as far as like going
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: through all that you've gone through and wanting to be
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: honest to yourself and live your life the way you
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: know you need to live your life. How are healthy
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: relationships for you now? At this stage, I.
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: Feel like I'm still trying to figure out what a
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: healthy relationship is and what it's like. Yeah, I've been
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: so used to toxic ones and unhealthy and very.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: Uh what's it called inconsistent?
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: Inconsistent and all volatile? Thank you? Volatile relationships that I
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: don't it feels weird.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: I keep it. This is the exact same thing I
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: told my husband. Really, it's like I don't know if
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: I can have a healthy relationship. First of all, I
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: don't know if I can because I clearly have a
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: pass that i've you know, failed a few times. Or
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: it's not that I failed, the relationship failed, but I
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: felt like, oh, this is so boring. Yeah, like we're
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: happy all the time, there's no drama. I need some drama.
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Why. It's like you get so used to it
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: and like you get conditioned to have to experience it,
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: embrace yourself.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like your nervous system is on the ready all
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: the time.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah that when it doesn't need to be on it.
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: It's like, this does not feel okay.
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: What do I do with all this time on my hands?
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: What am I supposed to do with myself? Like I've
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: I'm like ready to brace myself for this unsteadiness. I
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: can't do this. This is Yeah, it's so boring, it's
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: so uninteresting. I need some drama. I need I need
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: some tension. I need to feel something to push back on.
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: I don't know how to get out of that mindset,
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: because if it's not there, then I'll create it.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: You'll create it for sure.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: Oh it sucks.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: I did that for a long time. Yeah, I did
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: that until I just got tired of doing it.
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: Really, Yeah, I hope I get tired of it. You
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: will feel like I have too much energy right now.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: That's why I go to these raves and to dance.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: I have to dance with it out, dance it out. Yeah,
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: it's like I feel like it's a really healthy way
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: to get my adrenaline rush.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: But you rave.
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: That I love you even more right now.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: Really, just go and dance and sweat and don't care
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: about anything else.
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: It's amazing. Have you ever been when.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: I was younger? Go to dance clubs, and I would
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: go to Lesbian Dance club so that men weren't, you know,
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: raying on me.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: Oh my god.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: And I was just amongst my female friends and we
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: would just dance.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: That's awesome. Oh my god, that's amazing.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: Where do you rave? I want to know, is there
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: certain clubs that you.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: Go to or yeah, they have you should go to
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: DJ sets. So there's a few locations in LA. There's
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: one Academy that's in Hollywood. There's Sound, there's Exchange. Those
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: I think are like the three main ones. Insomniac There's
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: there's a whole company called Insomniac Events and they put
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: them on. They have those three venues. I think those
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: are three venues they have, and then they have festivals
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: and I I was just that one that they're that
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: they threw called DC Electric Electric Daisy Carnival. It's like huge,
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: It's I don't know how many hundreds of thousands of
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: people are there, but it's amazing.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: You were there.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so fun. I'm camping, so I have my camp.
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: That is amazing and we do dance crazy just like
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: nobody's watching. Yeah, because nobody is.
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: It's amazing and everyone else is dancing to such grave vibes.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: Do you think music saved you?
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: Music saved me? I feel like I don't know what
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: life is like without it, So I just music is
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: just a part of life for me. It really is
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: is life giving.
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean you came in here singing today? Oh
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: did I? Yeah?
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, we were singing. We're singing get ready
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: for a night to remember?
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, I can't remember it now.
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: Or was that the one no, no no, I was singing, honey,
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: he can do it? Take your time, do right? Yeah?
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: I love it. You dedicated your book. I'm going to
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: quote it to those leaving behind a world that was
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: once all they knew for the hope of a better
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: life and a better version of themselves. That is a
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: very huge I Choose me declaration, not just for yourself,
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: but really wanting that for other people. Is that why
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: you wrote the book?
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah? Absolutely, that's like that was like the perfect little
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: assuming summary to all.
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm really glad you wrote this book. David's New
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: York Times best selling book, Devout is available everywhere books
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: are found. But before I let you go, David Archiletta,
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: what was your last I Choose me moment?
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: My last I Choose me moment was probably I mean this,
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: you know this rave I went to because I have
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: to say, hey that nope, this nothing is on the calendar.
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: I'm going to just take some me time, kind of
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: go connect with other humans and dance my little highe
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: off and just feel the rhythm and be free, be free.
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, oh my god, I love that for you. Thank you,
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: thanks David, Thank you so much for joining me.
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: David.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, what a treat. David's New York Times
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: best selling book, Devout, is available everywhere books are found.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: Definitely pick it up.