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Transcript

My Girl's Dad Hates Me | Mark Smalls | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I am excited to be here.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: San Diego's always a beautiful crowd.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Beautiful couples.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Perfect.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: This your girl?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Nice.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: You guys living together?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: No?
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why not?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: What's that?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Waiting for marriage.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Waiting for marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: A black Mormon.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: How about that?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Progressive out here in San Diego.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's fun.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lot of work, but it is fun.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um before me and my girlfriend lived together, we lived kind of far apart, so it was it was a lot of work to do anything, right?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you understand.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we would we lived almost an hour away, and every Saturday we would have to make plans, you know?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And wake up, I we'd drive to a mutual brunch spot, and we'd have drinks and have fun, and we'd have sex, you know.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: But then now we live together, right?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you move in now, every Saturday, we we clean.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And we don't have sex, and it's it's a lot of fun.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what being a better partner is learning how to clean better.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I still haven't mastered it yet, you know?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's her clean and my clean, right?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that was yeah, yeah.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know her clean.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I try to come to her, I'll be like, yo, you want me to clean the bathroom?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, my clean?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: No, not your clean.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's a fucking impossibility.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't see the shit my girlfriend sees, bro.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever seen those paper towel commercials where there's like a stain, and then they like take the magnifying glass, they zoom in on the stain, and then you see those weird green germs, and they're like, ah! You know what I'm saying?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: This broad sees those germs, alright?
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: She's like Russell Crowe in a beautiful mind, bro.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: She's just tormented by cleaning equations.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: God help you if you use Windex on granite, because she could smell blue, alright?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's insane, bro.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And and I try to be good, and she doesn't like make me feel bad about it, right?
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: But it still does, right?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because I can read between the lines.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be cleaning something, I'll be like, eh.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Looking up at our approval, you know, in this good.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And she does the same look that I used to give my little brother when I would let him play video games with me with an unplugged controller.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Aren't I doing good, Mark?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, ah you're retarded.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: But you learn.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: You learn how to game the system a little bit.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't even clean half the time sometimes.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like if she's gone and it's dirty, like I know how to game the system.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'll clean a little bit, but right before she gets home, I'll just spray bleach up in the air, bro.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: So she just walks through a mist of bleach, and I don't know if it's something about Jewish women and the smell of bleach, but it's like fucking pheromones to them, bro.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: She walks in, she smells that bleach, she's like, oh my god, did you bust out the Scotch Bright?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I instantly I don't have sex still.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: But and and you know how long how long you've been together?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Seven months.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Seven months.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so you got a little bit of ways to go before you hate her.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I say that earnestly, okay?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you love your partner, there will be a moment where you lay in bed and you look up into the sky and you go, I'm fucking trapped.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that's love.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's love.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: You learn how to clean, you find out if you could raise a kid together, you know.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like me and my girlfriend, I don't think we could have kids.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Don't give me the uh.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like it.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's not medical, all right?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's sustain, it's like a sustain.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: We got a dog, right?
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: We got a dog to warm up for the kid.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, we got a dog, and then we love the dog.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's a sweet dog, a little chihuahua named Meli.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: I love her, she's best.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: But then recently she's been acting weird and was diagnosed with depression.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a fucking joke.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: My fucking dog is depressed.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: My dog is on Zoloft.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: My dog is on the same milligrams of Zoloft that I am.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I was embarrassed about it, but sometimes I'll just like wake up in the morning and we fucking just split a pill, lady in the tramp style.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I know she's depressed, you know?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Fucking listening to Fallout Boy.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, Melly, you want to go for a walk?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, eh, what's the point?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I love my girl.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is a very pretty girl, good for you.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's good.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's hard, right?
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're not a bad-looking black Mormon, you know?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: But like, it's hard dating a pretty girl.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Women, you have a tough job of dating us men and gay men.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: We're psychos.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Psychopaths.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but you don't give us credit that we have to always date someone prettier than us.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: This your this your girl?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: There it is.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Is that your sister?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: No, okay, that was me.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Even this guy, bro.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: This guy is like a San Diego seven.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but the girl is like, God damn, bro.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is it hard?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: You get do you ever get the look that I get?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, every time I walk into a room with my girlfriend, my girlfriend is hot, bro.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: She is way too pretty for me.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I get the looks that people give me.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, they look at me and I see what they're thinking.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: They always everyone always thinks it's either one of two things.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Either A, I got a big dick.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or B, I got a lot of money.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, nah.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And no one ever thinks the real thing, what it could be, you know.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe, maybe it was her traumatic upbringing.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe her dad was an asshole, but we capitalized off that shit.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: My girl's dad hates me.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: One time he sat me down, he's like, You are not good enough to date my daughter.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I know, bitch, it's your fault.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: But she's when you live together, she, you know, and you find that you like really love her, like, they help you, right?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: My girl don't make me feel bad.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't make me feel bad about anything I do, you know?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm trying to be a better person, I'm trying to clean better, I'm trying to try to become an adult, trying to stop smoking weed.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Don't fucking know me.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: I am out of seventh grade, okay?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: But people always say, like, are you gonna stop?
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's legal.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's not fucking cool anymore.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm smoking meth now.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm playing, I'm playing.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's Adderall.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta stay high but focused.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I wanna stop smoking weed because of the bullshit myths that they feed us about it.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not talking about the ones that aren't true.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people say if you smoke weed a lot that it will mess up your memory.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's not true.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: I smoke weed, I remember shit all the time.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: I remember shit all the time.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: I just got high before my set.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: As soon as I got high, I was like, I just remembered I have anxiety.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: I totally forgot about it.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: But good thing I smoked, yeah.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm talking about the myths that they because you gotta go to the store to buy weed now, bro.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and wait in a line.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: I never I used to sell weed, bro.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I would never make you wait in a line, bro.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't make you wait in a parking lot.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you said a text, where you at?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, I'm on my way.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that meant 35 to 4 hours.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's that's real shit, right?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: No, you gotta wait in line at the store and they gaslight you into thinking, like, oh, I'm not a pothead, you know?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: And they'll be like, oh, I ask simple questions.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Is this weed good or bad?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, oh, that weed's 83% THC.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, I didn't ask that question.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Did I ask you you send this shit to Ancestry.com?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Is it good or bad?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: They go, well, it's a sativa, so it'll probably wake you up.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, don't lie to me, bro.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's the lie we told the government to get this shit legal so you could have a job.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Weed doesn't wake you up.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I've never been tired in the morning, like, man, I'm pretty groggy.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Let me smoke three blunt back to back.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's cocaine, alright?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's gonna say, oh, indica will put you to sleep.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever smoked a hybrid Satindica, that's when you're awake and asleep at the same time.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's ambient, bitch.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Don't lie to me.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: But my favorite myth, this is my favorite myth, is ridiculous.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you've ever heard this one, this one ain't true.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people say if you smoke a lot of weed, that like it will mess up your memory.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's bullshit, bro.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: I smoke weed, I remember shit all the time.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Is it your girlfriend?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: You guys live together?
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Guys, thank you very much.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Mark Small.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate you.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Have a great night.