Latest / Back Porch Confessions / How long can you go on being Considerate without being Considered
Transcript
- Gravesb41: Sometimes my soul is just tired, tired of being strong, tired of carrying the heaviness, tired of fighting battles nobody else can see. And maybe you know that kind of tired too. The kind of tired that doesn't come from sleep, the kind of tired that settles deep in your heart, your mind and your spirit, the kind that comes from surviving, enduring, holding it all together and still showing up when your life had tried to take everything out of you. But here's the truth. Being tired does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you are broken, and it does not mean your story is over. At Renewed Mind we talk about the hard things, the hidden heaviness, the silent battles, the trauma, the grief, the healing, and the fight to keep going when your soul feels weary. This is the place where strong people can finally tell the truth, where healing gets honest, where pain is spoken out loud. And where the ones who have spent their whole lives pouring into others can find a space to breathe, be seen, and remember they are worth the battle too because sometimes the healer needs healing. Sometimes the strong ones need somewhere soft to land, and sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit you're tired and keep choosing to heal anyway. This is renewed mind, real talk, real pain, real healing. One honest conversation at a time. Welcome to Back Porch Confessions, where the sweet tea is strong, the stories are stronger, and no topic is too taboo for the porch. Grab a seat, kick off your shoes, and let's get into the kind of conversation your mama warned you about, but you listen anyway. Back Porch Confessions: Hello, welcome to Back Porch. Today I'm speaking on when kindness becomes self-abandonment, understanding becomes exhaustion, and you finally ask, but who is considering me? Welcome in everybody. Welcome to the back porch as always. I'm a little tired today. It's been running around all morning. So make sure you grab your coffee. I've just had my second cup. pull up your chair, whatever it is you're sitting in, because today I want to ask you a question. And I have a feeling this one is going to probably hit some of us square in the chest. how long can you go on being considerate? without being considered. And this one I did for Tina. So how long can you keep thinking about everybody else's feelings while nobody seems to be thinking about yours? How long can you keep asking, will this hurt them? Will this upset them? Will this inconvenience them? Will they be okay? Well nobody seems to stop to to stop and ask that about you, right? But what about you? How long can you keep giving people grace when all they do is keep giving you excuses? How long can you keep understanding their circumstances while they never seem interested in yours or even understanding yours? How long can you be the flexible one? The forgiving one, the patient one? The one who lets it go, the one who adjusts always, the one who compromises, the one who is always checking in, the one who remembers, the one who shows up, the one who says, It's okay, I understand, before eventually realizing No, actually, I don't understand anymore. Because somewhere along the way, My consideration for everybody else became permission for them to stop considering me. Oof. Yeah. We're going there today. I'm going there today. Buckle up, buttercups. The question under the question. And I'm gonna have to be careful here. Because this episode, it isn't everybody is selfish ex selfish except me. We're not doing that. We're not sitting on the porch handing out narcissist diagnosis because somebody forgot to text us back. No, we're not talking about patterns. I mean, we are talking about patterns. We're talking about patterns. Sorry, Maggie's little feet was distracting. We're talking about patterns. and we're also going to look at ourselves. Because sometimes people fail to consider us. But sometimes we have trained people to believe they don't have to. Not intentionally, not because we wanted to be mistreated, but because we repeatedly said, It's fine. Don't worry about me. Whatever works for you, I'll figure it out. You go ahead. I mean, so many things that we say, I understand. And after years of being the person who doesn't mind, people start a stop asking if if you do. Like they'll just stop asking if you do and they'll just expect. We train them to be this way. That one hurt just a little when I was writing this out. We do it to ourselves. We teach people how to treat us. So how how do we become the one who thinks about everybody? How does that happen? I've had a few podcasts on this type of thing. I've had a few conversations on my TikTok lives about this kind of thing. Let's start with some important parts. Being considerate is a beautiful quality. Consideration is empathy and action. It means I recognize that my choices affect other people. I think about your feelings, I respect your time, I consider your needs. I don't intentionally make your life harder simply because something is inconvenient for me. That's healthy. That's rational thinking. That's relational maturity, right? So consideration becomes unhealthy when it only travels in one direction. Because relationships cannot survive. Forever on one person considers. Hear me when I say that. Relationships cannot and will not survive forever on a one person consideration path. The other person receives but never returns. You can't live on that. It won't survive. So The question that we need to first figure out is are you the considerate one? If dry mouth has you constantly reaching for water, listen up because I found something you need to know about, and that is the Rayo Oral Pouch Solutions. They're discreet, easy to use, and designed to help keep your mouth feeling comfortably hydrated without constantly sipping water or grabbing for that piece of candy that hoping it'll help. Just tuck a little pouch in the pocket of your jaw and go about your day. There's no mess, no fuss, it's discreet. Just a simple option for dry mouth relief when you need it. So if dry mouth is driving you crazy, check out the OPS Rio Pouches at Oral Pouch Solutions dot com. Your mouth might just be thanking you for it. Moisture where you need it. OPS Rio, Dry Mouth Pouches, wherever life takes you. So those the the won't those that are the considerate ones, you know who you are. I I don't even have to point you out. I don't have to say your names, I don't have to any of those things. Before you make plans, you think about everybody. Before you choose the restaurant, does everybody like that? Before you schedule something, does that work for everybody? Before you speak, could that hurt somebody's feelings? Before you say no, will they be upset with me? Before you take care of yourself, does anybody need anything first? You remember the birthdays, the appointments, favorite foods, people's coffee orders, things people mentioned six months ago. You notice when somebody's voice sounds different. You notice when their mood changes. You know when something is wrong before they say it. And maybe somewhere along the way you started believing if I can be this aware of everybody else, surely somebody will eventually be this aware of me. But sometimes they aren't. So there's this unspoken contract. This connects to something we've talked about before: people pleasing. People pleasing often contains an unspoken contract, not intentionally, but something includes. Well well something is is inside us. That that that thing inside of us believes that if I take care of you, you'll take care of me. If you if I remember you, sorry, my brain is leaving me, if I remember you, you'll remember me. Is do you do you hear yourself in this when I'm saying this? If I show up for you, you'll show up for me. If I protect your feelings, you'll protect mine. If I give you grace, you'll give me grace. If I consider you, you'll consider me. But we never actually tell anybody about the contract. Then one day we realize they haven't been holding up their end of the agreement. They never knew existed. That doesn't automatically make them bad. But it does mean we need to start communicating something, a lot of relationships of any kind of ship that you're on lacks. So we have consideration versus mind reading. And here comes our old friend, They Should Know. Another podcast that I did. Well I shouldn't have to tell them. Maybe, maybe. Sometimes bac basic consideration really should be obvious. If I'm sleeping, don't vacuum beside my head. I mean, that's an obvious consideration. Even some people fail at that. There are reasonable expectations that go with this. But other times we're expecting people to know needs we've never communicated. There's a difference between they aren't considering me and they aren't anticipating me. Did you hear that? Those are not always the same thing. Consideration requires awareness. But awareness sometimes requires actual communication, which we lack in our lives. So when you actually communicate it, Now let's flip it just real quick because I don't want to like say gaslight the person listening who has communicated. You've said, This hurts me. I need help. I need you to consider my schedule. I need you to communicate before making plans. I need some effort from you. I need you to stop doing that. You've explained. You've had the conversations clearly. You have laid it all out verbally. Probably wrote it out, probably sent it in an email or a text message. You've made the point clear more than once. And nothing changes. Then the problem may longer, may no longer be do they know. The question then becomes, what are they doing with what they know? And that's different. Because once someone knows something repeatedly hurts you, what once they know something and they repeatedly hurt you by disrespecting what you've clearly communicated and repeatedly choosing the same behavior, we're not we're not talking anymore about mind reading. We get in the line Of talking about a pattern. And that again is a whole other podcast, which I've already done. Feel free to go back and look at any of them. I couldn't tell you which one it was. My friend Tina probably could. so grace versus excuses. This is another place considerate people get stuck. We are really good people at explaining other people's behavior. Well, they're stressed. Well, you know, they're just tired. Maybe they're tired. You know, their their childhood was extremely difficult. They're going through something. They've never had a healthy relationship. They're overwhelmed. Their job is hard. they're dealing with family stuff. I don't know. And all of these things may be true, and compassion matters. Context also matters. But here's the question: how long does understanding why somebody hurts you require you to keep accepting being hurt? I'll say it again. How long? Does understanding why somebody hurts you require you to keep accepting being hurt? Knowing the reason for behavior does not automatically require tolerating the behavior. Just because you have the know of to why they do the things doesn't mean it's it's it's to be excused, shoved under the carpet, tucked into the closet with all the other skeletons. No. You can understand someone and still have a boundary. We don't have to keep repeating their pattern for them. We don't have to justify it for them. We we we come back often more often than not for those of us that are people pleasers and they should have known and all the things that we do, right? We come back with the thing of but they've been through a lot. And we try to give that extra grace. Sometimes way too much. Sometimes not enough. So here's the thing: when you say, but they've been through a lot, so have you. So have you. And somehow you still spend half your life making sure everybody else is okay. Pain can explain behavior. It doesn't automatically excuse repeated harmful behavior. Your compassion should not require your disappearance. Let's talk a little bit about flexibility. Somebody has to adjust, right? One person or the others, you're usually going to have to adjust a little. So you do. Plans change, fine. Schedules change, fine. Restaurant changes, fine. Vacation is different now. Fine. They need something. Okay. They forgot something. You handle it. They didn't plan. Somehow it's your emergency. And eventually your flexibility becomes everybody else's expectation. Let me say it again, your flexibility becomes everybody else's expectation. Then the first time that you say, actually, that doesn't work for me. People are shook. They downright shocked. What happened to you? Well nothing happened to me. I just finally checked my own calendar. People don't like that. They then start labeling you several things that we won't mention on here. So when your kindness becomes their convenience. There's something very important I need you to hear in this. When your kindness becomes their convenience, people can become accustomed to benefits they never had to earn. Your availability, your flexibility, your emotional labor, forgiveness, patience, reliability, your ability to fix things, and eventually something you were. generously giving becomes something that they expect, then you try to pull back and they experience your boundary as a loss. Does that make sense? I hope it makes sense. That does not necessarily mean your boundary is wrong. I'm not saying that. Sometimes people call you selfish when your selflessness stops benefiting them. Sit with that for a minute. Sometimes people call you selfish when your selflessness stops benefiting them. Your boundary is not wrong. It's just you've a you've taught them how to treat you, and they don't understand the boundary. So the person who never needs anything. I'm often like that, and several of my friends to include Tina gets frustrated with me. Some of you have built an identity around being low maintenance. I'm good, I got it, don't worry about me. I can handle it. I've got this at the moment. I'll get I'll reach out if I need to. And you're proud of being so independent until finally you need something and discover nobody knows how to show up for you. Sometimes people truly have failed us, but sometimes we never gave them an opportunity to learn us. Did you hear that? If you constantly tell people, I don't need anything, healthy people may believe you. So part of becoming considered is learning to say, actually, I do need something. And say it It's okay to need help. So ask yourself, am I considerate because it reflects my values? Or because I'm afraid of upsetting people? Do I consider other people because I love them? Or because I fear rejection? Do I secretly expect people to return everything I give? Have I communicated my needs? Or do you say it doesn't matter? When it does. Do you say whatever you want and then feel resentful? Do people actually ignore your needs? Or have you become skilled at hiding them? And the big one? When was the last time you considered yourself before making a decision? When was the last time you considered yourself before making a decision? So when consideration becomes self abandonment. It's a big deal. We don't even see it happening. Because there is a point where kindness can cross into something else. I just said it, self abandonment. And self abandonment can look incredibly loving from the outside. It can look like always saying yes, ignoring your exhaustion, changing your plans. You don't ask for help, swallowing any hurt that comes along with your needs being ignored, avoiding difficult conversations because you are afraid to hurt someone, giving another chance, then another, then another, making excuses and Taking responsibility for everybody else's emotions, keeping the peace. How many of you keep the peace? Making yourself smaller. I see it all the time. Telling yourself it's not worth arguing about. I pick my battles. I don't have a dog in that fight. So many things that we say. And maybe one incident isn't. But after five hundred little moments, you wake up angry eventually, resentful, and you don't understand why. Resentment enters the room. Drama. Anyway, you guys understand when I say resentment, we've all felt it in some way or another, even as little children. We don't know what it is, but we feel it. So resentment rarely walks through the front door screaming. It usually just slips through quietly. One little it's okay at a time. You give fine. You you adjust fine. You let something go, fine. You swallow another disappointment, fine, and eventually nothing ends with fine. That's why resentment isn't always a sign you're a bitter person. Sometimes resentment is information. We just don't see it. And that information, it may be telling you something has been unequal for too long. But we have to be able to see it. Then we step from the resentment portion of it into the emotional labor problems that come along with it. Who remembers everything? Who checks the calendar? Who makes all the plans? Anticipates all the problems, checks on everybody, remembers the birthdays. I've said all this stuff before, notices the moods, initiates the difficult conversations, repairs are made by you after any conflict. Who makes sure everybody else feels included? Who's always asking are you okay? And then asked. That person. Sorry, my brain just went boop again. Who who is always asking, Are you okay? But who actually asked that person if they're okay? Who is asking the other person? Okay, I've done twisted this up in the ball. So if you are the one asking all the questions to take care of everything, and you're always asking, Are you okay? Who stops to ask if you are okay? You're checking on them. Who is checking on you? That's emotional labor. And when one person carries too much for too long, it gets exhausting. They become exhausted. Not necessarily because every task is enormous, because they are never off. They're always in charge of somebody's emotions, feelings, thoughts, plans, life choices. Everything. They're in charge of everything. Then we also have the problem where those of us who don't like to ask, I don't want to ask. Problem like we become the problem when we I don't want to ask. That's another one. If I have to ask, it doesn't mean as much. We've talked about this. And I understand it. You don't you don't want to have to ask somebody to think about you. You want them to want to. You want them to notice. You want them to remember. Because underneath the request is often, I want evidence that I matter to you. That's deeply human. We're all human. But relationships still require communication. Did you articulate that? The real test isn't did they magically know? Sometimes the better test is what happens after I tell them? Do they care? Do they try? Do they remember next time? Do they become defensive or minimizing? Do they mock the need? Do they repeatedly ignore your request and become complacent? That's useful information. Then there becomes the marriage part, the consideration in marriage. This shows up an enormously long term relationships. I probably said that backwards. I think I did. Long term relationships. Have an issue with this in a big way, is what I'm trying to say. One person usually is always thinking, How will this affect us? While the other is thinking, how will this affect me? That's where trouble begins. Consideration in partnership sounds more like, or at least it should. I was thinking about doing this. How would that affect you? Or I know you've had a long day. What do you need? You could also i you know, before I commit us, let me check with you. I know this matters to you, or I remembered, or I thought about you. Those little things that we say, those little pieces that include our partner and make them feel like they're part of our life and decision making and everything else, you exist in my decision making. That is so important in a in a healthy marriage. That's what people are often craving in a marriage. Not grand gestures. Evidence that when I'm not standing directly in front of you, I still exist in your mind. You don't just make decisions without thinking about me or us. Because it's not just about you or that person, it's about both of you because you are married. Then you roll into consideration that's in friendships. Sometimes there's one person that's always doing all the texting, all the planning, all the checking in, remembers all the birthdays and sends all the gifts and the cards and and is always asking how appointments went and and knows everything, showing up during crises and knows when you're struggling. And then you get crickets from the other side. Here's where we need nuance. Friendships go through seasons. Sometimes one person carries more because the other is struggling. That's love. But a season is different from a permanent arrangement. If I stopped initiating this friendship, would it still exist? Hmm. Have you ever done that? Have you ever had a friendship that you felt like it was completely one-sided? And so you finally asked yourself that question. If I stopped initiating the text messages, the calls, all the things, would would it still exist? That question can hurt. It does hurt. But sometimes it reveals something very important. If you ask that question and you stop And it's a year later and they were like, I didn't I wasn't sure where you went. I I didn't know, you know, I just figured you were mad at me or something. So and they never check in, they never ask the question, they never get concerned. You've learned something very important. But also you get the flip side of that, where sometimes we've been the one to do it all the time because we're a type A take charge type personality. And then when we get tired and exhausted, we expect them to be able to pick up because they're our friend. But there's that unknown contract that we're expecting something of them that they don't know we're expecting. And so they don't know to show up because we've taught them how to treat us, right? So then you have the consideration when it comes into family. Family adds a whole nother layer. Lord. Because family often comes with, but that's your mother. But that's your father. But that's your sister. But that's your child. But we're family. Okay, and I know the people who know me well probably just heard me actually say in that. I did, but that's exactly how I would have said it. Family relationships deserve compassion. Absolutely. I'm not negating that. But family titles do not eliminate the need for respect. I'm gonna say that again, and I have to move Max because he's sleeping on my legs. And now my legs are going to sleep. Okay, buddy, you're gonna have to come over here. Family relationships deserve compassion, absolutely. But the respect still has to remain in the mix of it all. Being related does not create unlimited access to you. It never should. you can love someone deeply. But my foot rest out and recognize that. The relationship needs boundaries. Okay. You all who know me know me well that I have that in my family. Very much so. With several people. So and that's okay. That's okay. There's respect, but there's boundaries. Then we have the stages in our life where we're we are at work and there has to be the work relationships that have to be considered. Here's one people don't really discuss enough enough. This is one of the subjects that that isn't discussed enough. You're reliable, so you you get your work done. You get more work. You're flexible. So they call upon you. You're competent. So you fix everybody else's mistakes. You're always available. So they expect your availability. And your reward for being dependable becomes more responsibility. And at some point, You know, you're like, I can do it. That need becomes, is this actually mine to do? Where did this how did I end up in this position? This is where I say it sneaks in. It don't come in screaming, it sneaks in. 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Back Porch Confessions: So here you are, out here kicking butt and doing your best job ever. And then all of a sudden the next thing you know You're resentful. You don't like your job no more. You don't want to be there no more. Because you did not set that boundary. And they expected more out of you for a extended period of time. But you had a limit on how re available and flexible and responsible and all the things that you were going to be. But that invisible contract nobody knew was there. So now that we've gone over those dynamics, we get into When you finally say no, what happens? This is where a lot of it gets really interesting, dependent on the relationship. People who benefited from your lack of boundaries may struggle with your boundaries when you try to place them. So you finally say no. And suddenly they're going, she's changed. Well, you've changed a lot. Well maybe I have. Maybe you have. Well, you're selfish. That was awful selfish. Maybe I'm finally including myself in the equation. They don't like to hear that, but sometimes those words will make people stop in their tracks. Write it down if you need to. Maybe I am finally including myself in the equation. You used to always help, they'll tell you. Especially our children. Well, yes. And I was exhausted all the time. Nobody noticed. You never minded before. Actually I I did mind. I minded. I just didn't say anything. That's accountability too. Because we have to own the place where we participated in our own overextension. You're being accountable in those moments. And it's not to blame ourselves for everything. Our own choices Are ours. Owning our choices so we can make new ones is what I'm trying to instruct you to do. Own our choices so we can make new ones now. And not let the repetitiveness of allowing our overextension to disrupt our lives and everybody else's lives. So my last podcast, I talked about the five second pause. And here's where that can return and be a part of your life. If you remember the pause, you'll know what I'm talking about. If not, go walk go back and watch the last podcast. Here's where it becomes powerful. Somebody asks something of you. Your automatic response is sure. You hear the sound? Pause. 1 1000, 2, 2,000, 3 3000, 44000, 5500. And ask, do I want to do this? Do I have capacity? Am I saying yes because I mean yes? Or am I saying yes because I don't want them to be upset with me? That five second pause can interrupt years of automatic consideration. That five second pause can interrupt years of automatic consideration. What does that mean? The whole conversation we're having is about. Every time you give people unlimited consideration and you don't tell them that you need to be considered for certain things, you become automatic consideration instead of it being a reciprocated thing. So what considering yourself could sound like. What what what are things that you could say to yourself to have that self-consideration? Let me check before I commit. It's okay. Even if you already know you can or can't do it, take that five seconds to check. Just there might be that one little thing that you've forgotten that you need to do. Let me check before I commit. That doesn't work for me. Or I can't do that today. Or I'd like something different. Maybe even I need help. I need you to consider my schedule too. I understand you're disappointed, but my answer is still no. I love you and I don't have capacity for this. I need this relationship to feel reciprocal, reciprocal. Laughing at myself. I don't want to keep pretending this doesn't bother me. what are some other things you can say? I've explained what I need. I need to see change, not another explanation. Those are not all cruel statements. They're facts. They're putting the communication out there. It doesn't remain one-sided and always an automatic consideration. These types of sayings gives you the room to have also consideration on your side as well. You don't become overwhelmed. You don't become overexhausted and you are then not disrespected. And resentment doesn't build. These statements are honest ones. As I get into the next part of this. I want there to be more understanding with with exhaustion. Who gets the most consideration from me? Who gives the least consideration back? These are questions that I want you to ask. Where am I making excuses for patterns? Where have I confused patience with tolerating? Where am I waiting for somebody to become more thoughtful instead of responding to who they currently are? What do I keep giving that I'm becoming resentful about? And what would stop doing what would I or what would you stop doing if you knew nobody would be mad at you? I'm I'll say again real quick. Where am I exhausted from being underst understanding? How do I how do I how did I word that earlier? It's it's the exhaustion in understanding who who is getting the most consideration from me. Who gives the least consideration back? Where am I making excuses for patterns? Where have I confused patience with tolerating? Where am I waiting for somebody to become more thoughtful instead of responding to who they currently are? And what do I keep giving that I'm becoming resentful about? And what would I do? If I knew nobody would be mad at me, what would I do differently if I knew nobody would be mad at me? You might want to write that one down. You might want to pause it and just write it all down. Because this is what happens when you start considering yourself. This is where we get to the healing part of it, because the goal isn't becoming considerate. Inconsiderate. The goal isn't becoming inconsiderate. I don't want you leaving this episode saying, Well, Barbara said, screw everybody. No ma'am, no hamm and no gravy. That's not what I'm saying. This is not what Barbara said. We're not trading people pleasing for selfishness. We're learning reciprocity. Reciprocity doesn't mean 50-50 every day. Healthy relationships aren't spreadsheets. Some days you're at twenty and they carry eighty. Sometimes they're at ten and you carry ninety. Life happens. Illness, grief, work, babies, depression, stress, loss, trauma. But over time Both people should experience being carried. Both people should matter. Both people should be considered. That's reciprocity. Stop counting and start observing. You don't need an emotional spreadsheet. What you need is love, compassion, communication, understanding. We're already. We have already talked about that spreadsheet. And I'm I'm in my brain on pause because I'm like, How many times have I talked about this spreadsheet? A couple of times recently. So th there's that spreadsheet. We're retiring that spreadsheet. We've we've already put it back, right? We we've all agreed in these conversations I've had with y'all recently that that spreadsheet's going away. Instead of counting, I don't want you saying things like I've called seven times and they've called three. Why are you keeping track of that? Observe patterns. That's okay. The biggest thing you take away from it is do I generally feel valued? Do I generally feel respected? Can I have needs? Can I say no? Can I disagree? Can I can I disagree? Can I ask for help? Does this person care when something hurts me? Do they adjust when it's reasonable to do so? Can they apologize? I don't know, I live with a grown man who still doesn't really apologize well. Simple apologies, but deep heartfelt apologies don't happen. Do I feel like a person in this relationship or a service provider? That tells you more than keeping score. Keeping score only builds resentment. It builds hate, it builds overwhelm. The difference between boundary and punishment. Because that makes a difference. There's a huge difference between the two. Boundary is I can't keep doing this. Punishment's gonna sound more like, I'm gonna make sure you suffer because you didn't appreciate me. Yeah. Do you hear the difference? A boundary is gonna say things like I won't answer calls while I'm sleeping. Okay, reasonable. A punishment is gonna sound more like now I'm ignoring you so you know how it feels. So someone tells you they don't want to answer the phone while they're sleeping. So you just ignore their calls so they know how it feels. What? A boundary can be I can't keep lending money. That's a tough one, especially with our children. Punishment sounds like well, if someone tells you they can't keep lending you money and and you retaliate with. wait until you need money. You just wait until you need me. I ain't gonna show up. Because you told you couldn't keep lending money. They didn't like your boundary. Boundary protects. Punishment retaliates. We're choosing boundaries. That's what I'm teaching you. We're choosing boundaries, not retaliation. You don't have to become cold. This is something considerate people fear. If I stop doing all this, I'll become selfish. Probably not. Probably not. People who spend their lives overthinking everybody else and their feelings usually aren't one boundary away from becoming racing narcissists. It's they they just aren't. You can still remain kind, generous, compassionate, thoughtful, even loving, and still say me too. Your needs matter too. Your time matters too. Your energy matters too. Your feelings matter too. Your presence matters too. So we need to learn to stop auditioning for reciprocity. And I want you guys to listen close to this one because this one matters. Sometimes we keep giving because we're hoping eventually someone will realize our value. If I love harder, if I'm more patient, if I'm easier, if I'm more understanding, if I prove I'm loyal, if I keep showing up. Maybe they'll finally choose me the way I choose them. honey. You should not have to exhaust yourself auditioning for basic consideration. Love isn't learned through self-erasure. And that's where you fall when you do that. That is where self-abandonment lies. When someone cannot give you what you need, that becomes painful for you. It is very painful. Because sometimes They're not mean evil people. They're simply incapable or unwilling to meet you where you need them. And then the question becomes: can I accept this relationship as it actually exists? Not its potential, not who they could become, not who they were for six months, not who you hope therapy makes them, not who you keep explaining them into becoming. But who are they right now? And does that relationship work for you? That is where A decision, a very big decision, has to be made. Acceptance of that does not mean approval. Acceptance of many things does not mean approval. Acceptance means I stop our arguing with reality. This person doesn't communicate well. This person doesn't reciprocate. This person doesn't prioritize this relationship. This person is unreliable. They're emotionally unavailable. You don't have to hate them, you don't have to punish them, but you do need to make decisions using reality. Maybe at this point, or maybe ever, the answer isn't leaving. I want to say this clearly. I'm not saying to leave. Not every imbalance means the end of relationships, the end of a marriage. It doesn't mean cut off your family, dump your friends, quit your job. Sometimes the answer is communication. Sometimes it's counseling. Sometimes it's setting boundaries. Sometimes it's adjusting expectations. Sometimes allowing another person an opportunity to step up becomes huge in the relationship because you've always stepped in first. So if you allow them to step up It's monumental if they'll step up. Sometimes, yes, the answer is distance. But don't make permanent decisions from temporary emotions. Don't make decisions if you are emotionally unstable. Look at patterns. Communicate. Observe. Then choose. Don't make a ras decision on emotion. You have to allow people to experience your absence sometimes. I'm not saying to manipulate anything. This is not about manipulation. It means to stop doing things that aren't yours. Don't remind everybody. Don't rescue every situation. Don't fix every mistake. Don't always initiate. Don't immediately volunteer. Don't make yourself responsible for keeping every relationship alive. Sometimes when you stop carrying something, you discover who else is willing to pick it up. You gotta let go with fear that nobody will. And sometimes nobody does. And that's painful. But it's information that you need that you wouldn't have had had you not let it go for a minute. Then we go into guilt. What is the guilt of all of this? Here she comes. Good old guilt trip. I know a lot of us live off of guilt and we do things as Gen Xers for our children out of guilt. There's t so many things that we do out of guilt. The first time you choose yourself, you load yourself up with guilt. The first no, you feel guilt. The first unanswered phone call, you're like, I'm not answering that call right now. You feel so guilty for not answering it. The first holiday you don't accommodate everybody. Guilt. The first time somebody says, I'm disappointed. You are loaded with guilt. Remember, guilt does not always mean you've done something wrong. Sometimes guilt means you've done something different and your nervous system isn't used to it yet. So it doesn't mean that you're wrong. It's a feeling that you're gonna have because we like to beat ourselves up. There's a question that typically changes everything in all of this. Before you make the decision, always ask, am I considering myself too? Am I considering myself too? Not only myself too. That's the balance. How does this affect them? And how does this affect me? What do they need and what do I need? What would be kind to them? What would be kind to me? That's healthy consideration. You don't have to let it sit in guilt. So I want to return to the question we started with. How long can you go on being considerate without being considered? Maybe the answer isn't a number. Maybe it's until you notice the pattern, until resentment begins replacing love, until giving becomes obligation, until understanding becomes self-abandonment. Until your kindness starts costing your peace, until you realize you're disappearing inside relationships, you're desperately trying to preserve. And then something has to change. Maybe them, maybe you, maybe the whole dynamic, maybe the expectations, maybe some boundaries, maybe the relationship, but something. Because you cannot continually abandon yourself to prove. How much you love everybody else. So this week, I want you to notice every time you automatically accommodate somebody. Don't immediately change anything. Don't immediately change everything. Just notice. When someone asks something, pause. Ask, do I actually want to say it? Yes. When plans are made, ask, was I considered? When you're hurt, ask, have I communicated this? When you're giving, ask, am I giving freely or am I hoping this earns something back? When you're resentful, because we all get there, what boundary might be missing? And every single day ask, do I consider myself today? Maybe this is the final question. No, I got a few. I want you to ask yourself yourself a few questions. Where am I overgiving? Where am I under receiving? Who am I constantly making excuses for? Where have I clearly communicated a need that continues to be ignored? Where haven't I communicated communicated at all? What am I afraid will happen if I stop accommodating? Who am I afraid will leave if I develop boundaries? What am I doing solely to avoid disappointing someone? What relationship feels one sided? Where do I feel invisible? Where am I expecting mind reading? Where am I carrying responsibilities that aren't mine? Where am I carrying something kind? that they're not. Where am I calling something kindness that is actually fear? Where am I calling something patient? That is actually avoidance. Where am I calling something forgiveness when I'm actually just allowing the same wound repeatedly? And what would considering myself look like today? Not next year, not after everybody else is okay. Today. I want to leave you with this. Being considerate is beautiful. Please don't lose that part of yourself. It's not what I'm saying here. This world desperately needs people who think about how their choices affect others. We need empathy, kindness, grace, compassion, thoughtfulness. You are one of the people your consideration should include. You don't have to become cold because somebody took advantage of your warmth. You don't have to stop loving because somebody didn't love you well. You don't have to stop giving because somebody became accustomed to taking. You simply have to stop leaving yourself off the list. Maybe you've spent your entire life asking, is everybody okay? Maybe today you finally ask, am I? Am I okay? Maybe you've spent years asking, what does everybody else need? Today, ask, what do I need? Maybe you've always wondered, will they be mad if I say no? Try asking what happens to me if I keep saying yes? Maybe you're constantly worried about disappointing everybody. But honey, how long are you willing to keep disappointing yourself? That's the question. You can understand somebody and still say no. You can forgive somebody and still require change. You can love somebody and still need distance. You can have compassion for their story. without allowing their story to become an excuse for how they treat you. Let me say that again. You can have compassion for their story without allowing their story to become an excuse for how they treat you. You can consider their feelings without making their feelings more important than your own. Because consideration was never supposed to mean everybody matters except me. And maybe that's the message somebody listening today needed. You matter. Not more than everybody, not less than everybody. But you matter too. Your time matters, your peace matters, your energy matters, your feelings, your needs, your voice, they all matter. And the people who genuinely love you may not always get it right. They're human. They'll forget. They'll disappoint you. You'll disappoint them too. But healthy relationships make room for both people. Both people get considered. Both people get heard. Both people get grace. Get boundaries. Both people get to matter. So maybe the question isn't only how long can I go on being considerate without being considered? Maybe the question becomes: why have I been waiting for everybody else to consider me before I decided I was worth considering? Sit with that one. Because maybe today we stop waiting. We remain kind. We remain compassionate. We remain loving, thoughtful. But we add one person back in on that list. Ourselves. And that isn't selfish. That's balance, boundaries, healing, growth. And around here, that's figuring some shiz out. This is Back Porch Confessions, where the people pleasers get a chair, the overthinkers get a chair, the overgivers get a chair, the exhausted ones they get a chair, and the woman who finally said What about me? You definitely get a chair. We've been saving your seat. I'll see you all back here next week. Thank you for coming to the back porch. Make sure you listen to the commercials. Give you my women-owned businesses support. And the oral pouch pouch solutions. They're gonna be tripping over my tongue. The oral pouch solutions. I'll have the commercial in there. I highly, highly recommend these if you have dry mouth. Go get you some. I love you all. Thank you so much for being here. Send me an email. Drop me a comment. Go check me out on all the platforms and give me some love. I want this to be pushed out. Push me out. Please support me in that way. I thank you guys. If you have somebody you want me to interview, drop me a line, send me an email, backporchconfessions at gmail.com. Have a great one. See you later. Bye. Gravesb41: Hey beautiful people, it's Barbara here from Backport's Confessions. You know, I am only gonna share what I truly love. And y'all, this one's a game changer. Our Way Skin by AYXA is a simple, luxurious skincare created with real women in mind. Think clean ingredients, formulas you can see and feel, smoother texture, that healthy glow and confidence looking back at you in the mirror. Whether you're juggling family, work, or just need a little self-care moment, Ixa's products give you spa quality results right at home. I'm obsessed with Our Way Skin and the way it makes my skin feel buttery soft. Go check out Our Way Skin by Ixa at ourwayskin.com and tell them Barbara sent you because your skin deserves to be cared for your way. Y'all, let me tell you about one of my favorite little gyms back home in Robinson, Illinois. If you're looking for boutique style that feels good, fits right, and doesn't break the bank, you have to stop by Polished Boutique, owned by my sweet friend, Mindy, and her two friends, Jennifer and Valerie. And it's ran with heart, y'all. Polished is one of those places where you're not just shopping, you're family. From on-trend outfits, cozy everyday staples, statement accessories, and deals that make your wallet smile, Polished has something for every woman, every season of life. So if you're anywhere near Robinson, Illinois, go see Mindy and her girls at Polished Boutique. Tell them Back porch confession sent you. And don't be surprised if you leave feeling a little more confident than when you walked in. Polished Boutique, where style meets heart. That's a wrap on this episode of Back Porch Confessions. Where the tea is hot, the stories are real, and we never apologize for keeping it honest. Produced and edited by the magic makers over at Zay Media. Until next time, keep your porch talk spicy and your secrets safe, mostly.