Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 37. 25 Lessons Learned in 25 Years of Marriage: Speaking Life Over Your Marriage, Transforming Relationships, and Creating a Supportive Family Environment / Lessons 6-10

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37. 25 Lessons Learned in 25 Years of Marriage: Speaking Life Over Your Marriage, Transforming Relationships, and Creating a Supportive Family Environment / Lessons 6-10 · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Welcome back.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: Thanks for being here in this series where we're talking about lessons in marriage 25 lessons over 25 years.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: I know we spoke quite a bit last week about the reason it's lessons and not tips, because lessons we seem to learn sometimes by feeling, sometimes by watching others and sometimes thinking about this.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: And what are the 25 things that I wanted to share with you guys?
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: That, I would say, are some of our top lessons, some that we're just learning, some that we learned pretty early on, and just hope that some of them resonate with you, that they're able to encourage you, maybe help you adjust or to get you out of a rut or a place that you're stuck.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: Maybe an aha moment for you or your spouse as you listen to this.
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: So, as this one is airing, we are one day past our 25th anniversary.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: My husband and I are currently on an epic trip that he gave me full reins to plan.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: We knew that we wanted to do a really big trip for our 25th and just had all kinds of different options of what we were going to do whether we were going to go Caribbean and do the beach and the sun, or Europe and sightsee and ultimately we landed on the most amazing trip to Vancouver Island in Canada, and so we are there now.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: Obviously, I'm recording this before going, but when this is airing, we have officially been married for 25 years, as of yesterday Just a really exciting time for us in our marriage.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: Something that it makes me feel very old to say that we've been married for 25 years.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: It's the thing that I'm most proud of is that we have battled through 25 years.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: Sometimes the battle has been harder than others.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: A lot of times it has been a beautiful, just friendship together, but there have been seasons.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: Anything that has lasted 25 years has seasons, and every time that we come through, I always say every time that I fail in business, when I come back, I'm a better leader for the people that are following me.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: And I would say the same is true in marriage that every time we have conflict or we have issues or we have crisis and we come together and we come out of that, our marriage is stronger than it was before that crisis.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: It's stronger than it was before that argument, and that works for both us individually and us as a couple.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: And so just being able to walk through 25 years of life from the age of 21 and 22 when we got married, to just really be able to grow up together and figure out adulting, if you will, has been just a joy to do it with Jed by my side.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to jump in today to lessons six through 10 of the 25 lessons of marriage, and we'll get started here right away with number six, and this one is speak life over your spouse, and this is one that I am pretty passionate about.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: I think you know I so often reference the power of the tongue is life and death, and we have the ability, with our words, in every situation that we're in, whether we're talking to somebody that's a service person at a restaurant or a grocery store, or it's a stranger that we run into on the street, or it's our kids or our spouse, or in a friendship run into on the street, or it's our kids or our spouse, or in a friendship.
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: Every single time that we open our mouth, we either are speaking honey over the lives of those around us, or we can be speaking things of death that are literally killing and hurting and robbing people of their best selves, and so speaking life over your spouse, I think, is so crucial.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: Andy Stanley talks a lot about the power of our words in relationship to the proximity of who they're being spoken to.
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: And in life, our words are weighted differently depending upon who we're saying them to or who is speaking them to us.
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: So, for example, if somebody on the internet that I've never met who is speaking them to us.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: So, for example, if somebody on the internet that I've never met it's basically a bot troll out there makes a comment on an Instagram post or reel and it's super negative, although it hurts and it makes you go, well, jeez, that's not nice or that's not true, or you want to defend yourself the weight of that is it's not super heavy because that person doesn't have a lot of proximity to me.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: But when we talk about the words that are spoken over me by my spouse, or the words that I speak over my spouse, because the proximity is so close, because the relationship is so important, the words that I say in that relationship and that my spouse says to me are one of.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: In that relationship and that my spouse says to me are one of, they are probably the weightiest words that are spoken over us.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: They carry the most impact, they bring the most life or they injured the deepest because of proximity, and so when I think about that and I think about the power that is in my words over my spouse, it makes me pause and go.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: What am I saying?
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: What am I speaking?
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: That's either building up or that's tearing down, and this is something that is a daily battle for me.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: I can be a person that in the fullness of life, I can get kind of snappy or I make a quick comment or I say something that I don't mean to be hurtful, but it's just I'm trying to get something off my to-do list and having to really slow down and say I need to make sure that when I speak, I am speaking life over my spouse.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: This is important in private and in public.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: I think one of the greatest ways that I can do this is, when I am in public, to say wonderful things about my spouse, to point out things that they do well, not to sit around and bash and poke at or make fun of, but to really speak life.
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: This last weekend I was able to be with my husband in a work situation where I was meeting hundreds of people that I had never met before, that he works closely with, and when someone would say something kind about him, like he's so wonderful.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: He's such a great addition to our organization whatever it might be, he's the best boss I've ever had.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: Instead of just nodding and smiling to say I couldn't agree with you more.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: I think your organization hit the jackpot when you decided to hire him.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: Or I agree with you.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: He's such a man of integrity.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: Or me and the kids are so grateful that we get to call him our husband and dad and being able to speak that where they are hearing you say it, but you're also proudly speaking it about them to other people.
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: I think it's so important to do this in public and in private.
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: Things like letters and text or notes in a bag when they're getting ready to go on a work trip, or sticking a sticky note on their desk in the morning, or writing a message with a dry erase marker on their mirror and it could be things as simple as when they're stressed out about decisions.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: Like you were born for this, you've trained for this, you've given so many years for this.
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: Or you're a man of integrity and I know that you will make the right decision.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: I know this is super hard for you, but because you do have integrity and you have a track record of being really wise, I know that you're going to make a right decision, or things like the kids are so blessed to have you as their dad, or I'm so proud to stand beside you as I meet all of these employees who you work with.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: Whatever it might look like, just constantly speaking life, sending that quick little text, doing whatever it is that you need to do to make sure that your words are speaking life over your spouse.
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: Just a real quick litmus test on that one is if you are sensing a lot of friction, if you are sensing that there's that, there's arguments and there's conflict a lot in your relationship.
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: A lot of times when we get to that place I can recognize I have not been speaking life, I have been being cutting, I have been being a little bit aggressive, I've been being negative or dissatisfied with life, and the weight of those words often will wear down your spouse to the point that then things start to be conflict and then often how you talk to them reflects back in how they talk to you.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: So if this is a place where you feel like man, I'm really struggling with this, make some kind of a commitment, make it a goal for 30 days.
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: So just every day for 30 days.
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: Speak life over your spouse and see if some of the hard exterior or the chipping away at each other, if maybe that will start to soften as you speak life over your spouse.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: Number seven cover each other's weaknesses Again.
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: Another great quote is kindness is loaning someone your strengths rather than reminding them of their weaknesses.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: We say this all the time in the work setting is we cover each other's weaknesses and we hold each other's strengths up high.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: And we do that because we can't all be good at every aspect of business.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: We can't all have the same strengths, and the same thing in marriage is often our strengths and our weaknesses are opposite.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: A lot of times, opposite attract right.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: So where I'm really strong and I really shine might be the exact opposite of what my husband shines in, and so I'm able, instead of putting a ton of spotlight on you can't do that as well as I can, or I'm frustrated that you don't show up in that area like I do, and vice versa.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: Instead, when we love each other, when we have a healthy relationship, I say I'm going to take all of my strengths and use them to cover any of the things that are your weaknesses, and when you take your strengths and you cover my weaknesses and we come together in this partnership, we really are loaning someone our strengths and we don't have to remind them of their weaknesses because we're just working together as a team.
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: And so number seven is cover each other's weaknesses.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: Number eight to increase focus, decrease distraction, and this goes back a little bit to prioritizing our relationship.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: A lot of times when we are frustrated with maybe how we're communicating or just the health of our relationship, oftentimes it can go back to we just have a lot of distraction.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: We have a lot of distraction that's getting in the way, and I will tell you, one of the primary distractions that has entered marriage that wasn't even on the table when we got married 25 years ago is electronic, and I recently heard the term parallel scrolling, and we've seen so many images where you see families that are all sitting on the couch and they're all scrolling on their own devices, or families at dinner and they're on their phones even though they're sitting at a table together, and I think that's probably one of the biggest distractions that has snuck into our lives, into our culture and into our marriages.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: And so when we decide that we want our marriages to be priority, that we want it to be the center thing that is guiding us, and we want to put effort there to increase focus.
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: We have to decrease distraction, and so when you look at your life, when you look at your relationship, when you look at the times that you try to connect or you to have that conversation, or you try to go on the date night or that quick getaway, what are the things that constantly come in and are the distraction that make it not happen or make it frustrating?
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: When it's happening, how do you start to say I want to increase the focus I'm putting on this relationship?
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: And so to do that, I am going to have to identify the areas where I need to decrease distraction.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: Distractions can be people, it can be messes, it can be commitments, it can be all of these things.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: All of these things can be a distraction, and if we want to increase the focus of our marriage, we have to find the ways to decrease distractions.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: Number nine be on the same team as parents, even when you aren't on the same page.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: And what do I mean by this?
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: Basically, protect how your kids hear you talk about the other parent, specifically when maybe you haven't landed on the same page on an issue or a conflict or anything that it might be.
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: Be on the same team as parents even when you aren't on the same page.
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: And I find this harder to do as kids get older and because we tend to have more conversation with our children the older they get and it becomes more of a relationship where it feels like you can tell them a little bit more than you told them when they were younger.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: But when they're younger it can be just grumbling and complaining that's coming out of your mouth about their dad.
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: Or again back to that example that we talked about last week, about if dad is running late, coming home at the end of the day, about last week, about if dad is running late coming home at the end of the day, what am I saying out loud as I'm grumbling and complaining?
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: Is it?
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: Oh, we're just going to eat because dad's late again.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: He's never here on time, he doesn't care about us, or is it?
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: Hey guys, we're going to go ahead and eat.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: Dad's working, he got stuck at work and so we're going to go ahead and eat so that when he gets home we can sit and talk with him, or we can hear about his day, or we can go for a walk as a family.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: What is it that you're saying when there's friction in your relationship, so that your kids don't start to second guess Are mom and dad on the same team or are they like on opposite teams?
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: Are they playing for different franchises, or are they in this together?
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: And I think the older our kids get, the easier it is to say little cutting remarks or to roll our eyes or to say well, I think you should do this, but, dad, you know, fill in the blank and just to make the commitment to be on the same team as parents.
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: This doesn't mean that we are truthful.
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that we don't say something like hey, you know what, we're not ready to come back to you with an answer on that yet, because dad and I, we just have some different opinions on what the two of us are thinking.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: We're not going to give an answer on that yet, and I'm sorry if that's frustrating, but it's super important that dad and I always are on the same page in these decisions, and so we need more time, and so I'm asking you for that.
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: Just the way that that paints such a different picture than well, dad says that you shouldn't be able to go, but I'm going to just whatever, whatever you can go ahead and go, or cutting remarks or any of these different things, just agreeing from the get-go that as parents, we are on the same team and when we aren't on the same page, we're still going to play as two teammates until we arrive at a place of compromise, or of one of us saying I'm going to trust you to go with your gut, or vice versa, because we're just not seeing eye to eye on this.
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: And so number nine is be on the same team as parents.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: And then lesson number 10, the last one for this week, is my response, is my responsibility, and this can be hard for me sometimes, because we want to be able to justify so many different things about.
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm acting this way because we see our kids do this all the time.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Well, I wouldn't have done that.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: If she wouldn't have done that, or if he wouldn't have hit me, I wouldn't have dumped the milk on him, or whatever it might be.
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: It is so easy to put how we respond to conflict or arguments or frustration or disappointments on the other person as it being their fault and in a healthy marriage I have to own 100% that.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: How I respond to everything, 100% of it is my responsibility.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: My spouse doesn't carry even 1% of the responsibility for my response.
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: My response is one of the few things that I have 100% control of in a relationship, and the more I learn to control my response or to own my response when I don't respond, well right, when I react instead of respond, when I come back and I say that's on me, I was clearly frustrated, I was heated, I was exhausted, I was whatever and I responded in a way that I don't like, and so I'm going to own that.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: I'm going to apologize for that and I am going to choose next time to respond differently because that didn't go well.
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: Have you ever had an argument where maybe it just it's the snowball?
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: It started as something small and then you decided that your response was going to be like I am holding my ground, or I am going to make them miserable, or they are going to pay for this.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: And then, hours later, you're laying in bed and there's an awkward silence and you're thinking if I just would have not responded this way five hours ago, if I could have just said, wow, that was hurtful how you said that, or wow, that could have been delivered a little bit differently.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: But I'm going to take that, I'm going to process it, I'm going to respond in a way that's healthy.
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: How different life events can happen when we take responsibility for how we respond.
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: Or how we can learn from the ways when we have done it so bad and come back and course correct so that we can do it so much better the next time.
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: How much better it goes.
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: And so don't get stuck in the rut of putting the weight of how you responded on the back of your spouse because of something they did.
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: Get to the point where each one of you will 100% own your response.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: Apologize when it's not done well, apologize and be able to say I didn't handle that well, I'm so sorry I hurt you.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: I shouldn't have said that.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: I should have had a more teachable spirit.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: I should have understood where you were coming from.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: I should have recognized that you also are carrying a lot of stress and burdens and my response is my responsibility and I apologize for how I responded to you.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: When we can do that, how much better we can be able to communicate with our spouse in a healthy way.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: And so, to recap, the five lessons from this week are number six speak life over your spouse.
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: Number seven cover each other's weaknesses.
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: Number eight increase focus in your relationship.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: Decrease distraction.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: Number nine be on the same team as parents, even when you aren't on the same page.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: And number 10 is my response is my responsibility.
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: I'll list these all in the show notes.
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: I'll add last week's to them as well, so we'll keep this list growing as we build towards 25 lessons.
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: I hope that this has been encouraging to you.
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: I know that so many of us can relate.
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: I know anytime that we sit down and we talk honestly and with some transparency about just the ins and outs of relationships and how they're difficult.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: I know a lot of us tend to have the same things, that we get caught up on, the same old sin patterns in our own lives of things like speaking hurtful words or not controlling our responses or being distracted, and it's an encouragement when we can come together and know that we're not alone but also be accountable and be willing to take actions to change the things that aren't working, to invest in the most worthwhile relationship of a human relationship that you will have here on earth.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: So in so many of these as well, speak into how we communicate with our children, with our friends, with our co-workers, and so I hope that this week's five lessons have been encouraging to you and that you can take something from them to implement into your life this next week.
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: If this has been a series that you're enjoying, if you have, maybe, a friend who's married or who is getting married, I would encourage you to share this with them.
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: Just little nuggets that we have learned along the way by having so many amazing people in our life and cheering us on in our marriage, as we have been doing this now for 25 years, super excited for the next 25, and know that we will learn just oodles and oodles more as we continue to grow in wisdom and in the relationship that we have.
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: So until next week, friends, take care.