Latest / Magic Divorce Club Podcast / Ep 31: It’s not really about the house

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Ep 31: It’s not really about the house · Magic Divorce Club Podcast

0:01
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Magic Divorce Club podcast.
0:05
This is your space to successfully navigate your divorce with
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confidence and create
0:11
SPEAKER_00: a roadmap to the life of your dreams.
0:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Hannah Harvey,
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I'm the author of How to Divorce Sober and I have helped
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thousands of women to
0:21
SPEAKER_00: process the trauma of divorce and step into an exciting future.
0:27
please like and subscribe because this really helps my little
0:31
podcast to grow.
0:33
SPEAKER_00: And if you would like more from me,
0:35
you can subscribe at magicdivorceclub.substack.com for a host
0:41
of other support
0:42
SPEAKER_00: tools.
0:46
SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to the Magic Divorce Club podcast.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: This month we are looking at housing issues and what it's like
0:57
in divorce because well moving house is very difficult i'm hot
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off the back of a
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house move i'm blending in five children with my boyfriend and
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so i can confirm
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that it is a lot and often in ways you can't necessarily
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comprehend like not
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SPEAKER_00: comprehend but can't
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predict like it just is very unpredictable what is going to
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come up for you when
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you move house so you know it's all very I wouldn't say
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coincidental but I just
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happened to be moving on the month that I had decided would be
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about the home and I
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find it really helpful actually when these things happen in
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real life because it
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SPEAKER_00: just reminds me what it is like because it's just so
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SPEAKER_00: when you're in divorce to have to work out where you're going to live.
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SPEAKER_00: Even if you are staying in the house that was a family home,
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SPEAKER_00: because,
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SPEAKER_00: you know,
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SPEAKER_00: the house,
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SPEAKER_00: well,
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SPEAKER_00: what I should say is if the house feels like the hardest part of divorce,
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SPEAKER_00: you are not being dramatic.
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SPEAKER_00: It is huge.
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SPEAKER_00: And very often it's not actually about the house.
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SPEAKER_00: It's about what's in the house, if you know what I mean.
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SPEAKER_00: Like a few years ago,
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SPEAKER_00: I did a podcast called Giving Up the Fairy Tale because the house,
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SPEAKER_00: which was our family house,
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SPEAKER_00: had become this kind of like the holder of all my dreams,
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SPEAKER_00: if you will.
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SPEAKER_00: So it was all the things I thought I should want.
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SPEAKER_00: And then when I got it, I was like, this still isn't quite right.
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SPEAKER_00: And it's because the relationship wasn't right.
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SPEAKER_00: You know,
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SPEAKER_00: the house can be incredible,
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SPEAKER_00: but you can still be like,
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SPEAKER_00: I'd rather live in a cardboard box,
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SPEAKER_00: to be honest.
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And what followed from that is I ended up living in five
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different houses over five years.
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SPEAKER_00: You do not need to do that.
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SPEAKER_00: That was just me.
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SPEAKER_00: I guess that was my fight flight kicking in.
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SPEAKER_00: When I'm triggered, I kind of want to disappear and run away.
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SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you find that familiar.
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So as someone who'd moved a lot in my life,
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I didn't find moving at all off-putting.
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SPEAKER_00: That was fine.
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SPEAKER_00: But what I was surprised about was how
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unsettling i found it post-divorce you know the actual moving
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was fine when i'm
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busy when i'm being practical that was all fine but as soon as
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i was in i would
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have essentially a mini breakdown and be like suddenly feel all
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the feelings i
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should have been probably processing as i went through i've had
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time to think about
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SPEAKER_00: all this stuff and
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SPEAKER_00: Now I know that what the house is actually carrying,
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SPEAKER_00: you know,
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from a deeper meaning point of view is there's so many fears
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around the house.
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SPEAKER_00: There's so many dreams.
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SPEAKER_00: There's so,
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it's just unbelievably important the place where you sleep at
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night and keep your
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SPEAKER_00: kids safe.
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SPEAKER_00: So from that point of view, there is the whole safety point of view of
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SPEAKER_00: well, where am I going to live?
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SPEAKER_00: Where will I keep my kids safe?
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SPEAKER_00: Will I be okay in this place?
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SPEAKER_00: Will it still feel safe?
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And when it's just you on your own making these decisions,
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it can feel like it's just too much.
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And obviously it then comes back into the stuff we were talking
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about a few weeks
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ago about helping your body feel safe because your body is
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going to be like,
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SPEAKER_00: This is not cool.
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SPEAKER_00: I don't feel okay.
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SPEAKER_00: I want this sorted out immediately.
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But we need to remember to take time with all this stuff so
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that you make really good decisions.
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It's a really big shame trigger not having all of your
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decisions made around the
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SPEAKER_00: house to do with motherhood.
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Brené Brown talks about shame triggers and she says motherhood
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is right up there.
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Whether you've had kids or not,
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women get triggered by and feel shamed around motherhood.
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So as the mother,
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already you're probably not seeing your kids as much as you
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used to.
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There might be times when you're not putting them to bed and
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you feel like you
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SPEAKER_00: should be and that will trigger guilt.
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And if you're already feeling unsettled and unsafe,
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it's just layer upon layer of shitness.
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So worrying about your kids and where you're going to live with
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them is a massive deal.
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SPEAKER_00: And this also leads into identity.
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SPEAKER_00: Like, who am I now if I don't have my kids full time?
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Who am I if I don't live in this house which I built all my
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dreams around?
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SPEAKER_00: Who am I if I have to live in an area that I didn't think I wanted to?
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SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of complicated,
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primal questions going on in your brain on top of the
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practicalities of where the
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SPEAKER_00: hell am I going to live?
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SPEAKER_00: So it's not just that.
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SPEAKER_00: It's like all of these layers.
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SPEAKER_00: And then there's the money side, like what can I afford?
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SPEAKER_00: Where can I live?
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SPEAKER_00: And do I feel,
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SPEAKER_00: if you decide you want to stay in the family home,
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SPEAKER_00: can you,
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SPEAKER_00: does it actually feel good to do that?
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SPEAKER_00: Or are there going to be too many ghosts walking around?
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SPEAKER_00: I left.
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SPEAKER_00: I felt like I couldn't stay.
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SPEAKER_00: There was too much.
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in that place and I was struggling with getting my ex out
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anyways so I was like I'm
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going to be the one that leaves and I didn't really want to
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take anything with me
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because it just felt like everything had so much emotional
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weight and it was a
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constant reminder that pulled me back into well feeling a bit
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shit and sorry for
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myself if I'm honest like going into that victim mode of why is
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this happening to
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SPEAKER_00: me um
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And I think something that really helped with that is at the
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time I was really
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working hard at manifesting and trying to stay positive and
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trying to stay
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SPEAKER_00: connected to this idea that this is for the greater good.
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And yeah I might do that for a little bit in the morning and
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then there was plenty
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of time when I didn't feel that at all and I felt very sad and
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I had to just really
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SPEAKER_00: look after myself.
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SPEAKER_00: Which leads into the whole grief side of things like
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how am I going to get through this like I remember waking up at
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the beginning and
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just having to remember all over again that it wasn't a dream
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this is actually
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happening and it's devastating nobody wants to split up their
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kids parents it's not
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SPEAKER_00: a fun exercise at all
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so is staying something you can cope with with that in mind or
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would it be nicer
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for your your body and your soul to find somewhere new that is
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just for you that is
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safe you know that's all the things that we have to process
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before we even go can i
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afford it can i you know what do i actually want because the
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house can hold
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SPEAKER_00: so many memories it's like all of the past the hope when you moved in the
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disappointment maybe there's been betrayals and secrets and
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lies and just all the
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memories and then all the dreams of the future in one place and
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you have to work
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SPEAKER_00: out whether staying is actually in your best interest
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SPEAKER_00: If you can afford it.
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SPEAKER_00: And if you can't.
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SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's okay.
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SPEAKER_00: You know.
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SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
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SPEAKER_00: I certainly couldn't have afforded to stay in my old house.
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SPEAKER_00: But I didn't want to anyway.
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SPEAKER_00: Like I knew.
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SPEAKER_00: At the end I was like.
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SPEAKER_00: It was time.
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SPEAKER_00: It was a great place while we were there.
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SPEAKER_00: And it was fun to say that I've lived there.
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SPEAKER_00: But.
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SPEAKER_00: No.
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SPEAKER_00: It was not my dream in the end.
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SPEAKER_00: So.
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Often we can feel really stuck in this decision around the
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house and what we want to do next.
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And I think it comes down to thinking it's just a practical
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decision and thinking,
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SPEAKER_00: oh,
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SPEAKER_00: I should be able to just make this decision because it's just going,
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SPEAKER_00: do I stay,
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SPEAKER_00: do I go?
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But actually,
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when you look at all the layers that we've just covered there,
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it's...
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much harder to make that choice and you do have to sit with
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yourself and this
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decision and give yourself time to work through the layers and
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work through what is
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actually going to be best for your future and actually spend
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some time I guess
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SPEAKER_00: visualising what a different future could look like.
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SPEAKER_00: So when I'm working one-on-one with clients
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What we find is that you might have a part of you that is
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really ready to move on.
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But then you've also got a part of you that is not at all ready
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to move on.
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SPEAKER_00: And so these parts are constantly competing with each other.
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But it's on a really subconscious level,
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like you don't necessarily know that it's happening.
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SPEAKER_00: And so a really helpful tool that I use in sessions,
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SPEAKER_00: I've used it in Magic Divorce Club before,
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SPEAKER_00: is to talk to these parts.
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SPEAKER_00: And so when we're doing the workshop at the end of the month,
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SPEAKER_00: it's next Wednesday,
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I'd like to do a version of this so that you can connect in
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with these different
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SPEAKER_00: parts and see actually what they're feeling,
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SPEAKER_00: what they're thinking.
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SPEAKER_00: And once you can get them working together, it's a total game changer.
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SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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But in the meantime,
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just remembering that this isn't just one clear decision.
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SPEAKER_00: It's a practical decision that is carrying a huge emotional load.
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SPEAKER_00: And when all those things get tangled together,
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the different emotional pieces that we've touched on there are
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all interweaved into
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SPEAKER_00: one big ball.
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That can make you either freeze,
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run away like I did,
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rush decisions make them in haste,
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avoid making the decision at all or just generally spiraling
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and having a really horrible time.
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So just remember as you're working through some of this stuff
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that staying is not
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SPEAKER_00: always the safest option.
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It's okay to sit with it and go actually will the ghosts of my
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past kind of haunt
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SPEAKER_00: me if I stay or
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SPEAKER_00: Will you feel happiest if you stayed?
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SPEAKER_00: So it's different things to work out there.
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SPEAKER_00: Remember that selling is not always a failure.
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SPEAKER_00: In fact, I'd say it's not a failure at all.
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SPEAKER_00: Like none of these options are failures in any way.
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SPEAKER_00: And also remember that the body feels safest with what it knows.
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So change can feel dangerous in your body,
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even though it might actually be better.
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SPEAKER_00: So some,
13:31
SPEAKER_00: you know,
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some people feel safest in a relationship that is not good for
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them because that's
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SPEAKER_00: what they know and that's what their nervous system knows.
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And they're like,
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okay,
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agitation and arguments is safe for me because this is
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familiar.
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SPEAKER_00: But in reality,
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being in a house where you don't have to argue with anyone or
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fight with anyone or
13:57
SPEAKER_00: feel physically in danger
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SPEAKER_00: It's actually better.
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SPEAKER_00: So moving and change isn't always danger.
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So that's why we need to keep remembering the stuff I was
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talking about a few weeks
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SPEAKER_00: ago and settling the nervous system down.
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So because of the whole nature of divorce and the fact that it
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is so triggering,
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SPEAKER_00: you may be feeling very strongly about wanting to stay.
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SPEAKER_00: But I would invite you to consider
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slowing down and really sitting with that and seeing what all
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these different
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layers are because wanting to stay doesn't automatically mean
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you should and not
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wanting to stay doesn't mean it's always easy either so you you
14:44
will know what the
14:45
right thing to do is but it takes time to get there and you
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need to give yourself
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SPEAKER_00: permission to slow down enough to actually hear what your body needs
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SPEAKER_00: and what would actually be the best for your future.
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SPEAKER_00: So before you make any really big decisions about your house,
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just take that little bit of time to notice what's practical
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and what's emotional.
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SPEAKER_00: Maybe looking at what feels scary and making a note of that.
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SPEAKER_00: What feels sad?
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SPEAKER_00: Looking at the facts and independent advice as well.
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SPEAKER_00: The stuff we were talking about with Susie two episodes ago.
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SPEAKER_00: Having a look at some of the money side of things.
15:33
SPEAKER_00: But overall,
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I'm almost certain that you'll find that there's a part of you
15:37
that can't wait to
15:41
SPEAKER_00: move on and to see what happens next.
15:44
But there's definitely a part of you that is holding on tight
15:48
and doesn't want that.
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SPEAKER_00: So if you are finding that the house part of all of the divorce stuff,
15:56
SPEAKER_00: on top of everything else,
15:57
SPEAKER_00: let's face it,
15:58
if that is feeling like it's a very hot topic for you at the
16:02
moment and you're
16:03
SPEAKER_00: still working out what to do next,
16:07
you've got the workshop which is happening on the 29th of April
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called What Happens
16:12
SPEAKER_00: to the House?
16:14
SPEAKER_00: And it's here to support both sides of this.
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SPEAKER_00: So we'll be looking at the practical questions.
16:20
Susie's coming back to go into slightly more detail,
16:24
but only in a non-overwhelming way.
16:26
So it's like a few steps that will really help you in working
16:30
out what's next from
16:33
SPEAKER_00: the practical side of things.
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SPEAKER_00: But it's also here to help you feel steadier and clearer.
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SPEAKER_00: And to connect into those two parts of you.
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SPEAKER_00: There might even be more than two to be honest.
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SPEAKER_00: That are potentially at odds with each other.
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SPEAKER_00: So that we can really understand what's going on.
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SPEAKER_00: And get those two parts working together again.
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SPEAKER_00: So that you can actually decide what your next step is.
17:00
SPEAKER_00: If the house feels huge.
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SPEAKER_00: It's because it is.
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SPEAKER_00: It's massive.
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SPEAKER_00: It's holding your whole life.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: It keeps you safe.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: It keeps your kids safe.
17:09
SPEAKER_00: So it's not just...
17:11
about the house it's everything the house means and you don't
17:16
have to figure it all
17:17
out today you have got time and it is safe for you to slow down
17:24
all right my loves
17:25
i look forward to seeing you next week at the workshop um any
17:29
questions just drop
17:30
SPEAKER_00: me a message
17:34
SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for listening.
17:36
SPEAKER_00: And if you could subscribe and leave a review, that would be amazing.
17:41
SPEAKER_00: For all of your tips and tools,
17:44
head over to magicdivorceclub.substack.com and you can find
17:52
everything that you
17:53
SPEAKER_00: need there.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: You've got this and I've got you.