Latest / Dear Chelsea / Temporary Mormons with Bridger Winegar

Transcript

Temporary Mormons with Bridger Winegar · Dear Chelsea

0:00
Speaker 1: Hi, Katherine, how are you doing. I'm amazing. I A
0:04
Speaker 1: Oh good. I haven't been able to get warm for
0:06
Speaker 1: two days. I had a celery juice yesterday, which I
0:09
Speaker 1: used to drink all the time, but then I stopped
0:11
Speaker 1: drinking it because I don't know who knows why I
0:14
Speaker 1: do anything, And then uh, I drank it and I
0:16
Speaker 1: have been cold since. Oh no, have you ever done
0:20
Speaker 1: one of those juice where you are fucking freezing by
0:22
Speaker 1: day three because you have no food in your system.
0:27
Speaker 1: I don't. Maybe there's something in the air because I've
0:29
Speaker 1: been hot, or at least when we were in New
0:31
Speaker 1: York together, I could not stop sweating. I was so hot.
0:36
Speaker 1: Maybe it was the humidity, but it was like sixty
0:39
Speaker 1: four degrees and I just was so hot. Still, Yeah,
0:43
Speaker 1: that's annoying, too hot or cold? And then I guess
0:46
Speaker 1: the only thing about being cold that is annoying is
0:49
Speaker 1: that my nipples get so hard, and that's painful, you know,
0:52
Speaker 1: like I'm breastfeeding or something. That's a very annoying feeling.
0:55
Speaker 1: So I don't like that. But I do. I hate
0:57
Speaker 1: when I go on stage, like if I don't have
0:59
Speaker 1: the right jumpsuit of the right climate if I have
1:01
Speaker 1: too much material on and the air conditioning isn't on
1:04
Speaker 1: the up and up, and I have a real problem.
1:07
Speaker 1: I had to perform a few weeks ago in a
1:09
Speaker 1: backyard outdoor barbecue for a corporate gig that I did,
1:14
Speaker 1: and that was very in Austin, and it was it
1:18
Speaker 1: was very moist. Is the word that I would use
1:21
Speaker 1: to describe that environment. Mois is a troubling word. Uh.
1:26
Speaker 1: Speaking of shows, So I have shows coming up, stand
1:29
Speaker 1: up shows. I just added thirty new stand up dates
1:32
Speaker 1: for areas all over the country, so make sure to
1:36
Speaker 1: check those out. And there are still tickets for my
1:38
Speaker 1: second show in Nashville, where I'm taping my next special,
1:40
Speaker 1: directed by none other than my lover CHOKOI. Okay, So
1:46
Speaker 1: I want to welcome our guest today, comedy writer, actor
1:49
Speaker 1: and host of the podcast I said, no gifts, please
1:53
Speaker 1: welcome Bridger Wineger. Hi, Bridger. How are you. I'm doing
1:56
Speaker 1: pretty well? How are you? I'm pretty well? You know
1:59
Speaker 1: Catherine because you're sitting right next to her, of course,
2:02
Speaker 1: so that helps that I wanted to talk about that
2:05
Speaker 1: we have Mormonism in common somewhat. Oh sure, sure, I'm
2:09
Speaker 1: happy to talk about that I know that you came
2:11
Speaker 1: from a Mormon background, right, or you come from a
2:14
Speaker 1: Mormon background. I guess I kind of both of those things.
2:18
Speaker 1: My family is Mormon. I grew up Mormon, no longer
2:21
Speaker 1: Mormon for a variety of factors, but the big one
2:25
Speaker 1: being my homosexuality, which is big no no for Mormonism. Yes,
2:32
Speaker 1: I didn't grow up Mormon, but my sister converted to Mormonism.
2:35
Speaker 1: My mother was Mormon, and then she dragged my sister
2:38
Speaker 1: down to Mormonism with her, and then my sister slowly
2:42
Speaker 1: has snapped out of it over the years. When did
2:44
Speaker 1: your sister convert? Well, my brother passed away when we
2:48
Speaker 1: were a kids and she was older. And then, like
2:51
Speaker 1: they say that, you know, a lot of people come
2:54
Speaker 1: down with illness after somebody dies in their family, you know,
2:57
Speaker 1: because of the internalization of everything. And so my sister
3:01
Speaker 1: got LUPUS when she was in college and when she
3:04
Speaker 1: came home. Part of the ordeal of having that kind
3:07
Speaker 1: of and we believe it was misdiagnosed at this point
3:09
Speaker 1: because they put her on so many meds and so
3:12
Speaker 1: many drugs that she was just a zombie basically for
3:14
Speaker 1: six months. She didn't leave the house. She lost all
3:16
Speaker 1: her hair, she was on steroids. Her face, you know,
3:19
Speaker 1: it was she just as unrecognizable. And I think in
3:22
Speaker 1: that my mother thought, okay, let's you know, she had
3:25
Speaker 1: turned to religion after my brother died and then my sister.
3:28
Speaker 1: She thought that was kind of going to be the
3:29
Speaker 1: self for her as well. So she converted my sister
3:33
Speaker 1: to Mormonism, and then my sister over time and once
3:37
Speaker 1: she had you know, got married and had a children
3:39
Speaker 1: of her own, I think realized the absurdity of Mormonism
3:43
Speaker 1: and how exclusionary it is. Oh yes, and wait, so
3:48
Speaker 1: did she marry a Mormon? And that was a good
3:53
Speaker 1: thing because he's not. It's always helpful to try and
3:58
Speaker 1: shake that out of your sister. Um. But yeah, growing up,
4:01
Speaker 1: it's funny that I meet so many Mormons that are homosexuals.
4:05
Speaker 1: It's like, I think those are the only Mormons that
4:08
Speaker 1: are gonna be coming into your I don't think you're
4:13
Speaker 1: gonna be getting any just regular Mormons. Yeah. I also
4:16
Speaker 1: have an issue with the proselyticization, you know, the the
4:18
Speaker 1: the constant infringing on your personal space with talk of
4:23
Speaker 1: like what missionaries do showing up at your door teaching
4:26
Speaker 1: you the word. I have a problem with that kind
4:29
Speaker 1: of bullshit too. It's like, back the funk up and
4:31
Speaker 1: I'll let you know what I'm interested in learning about.
4:33
Speaker 1: Of course, I have an incredibly big problem with it
4:36
Speaker 1: because I did it. I went to I was in
4:39
Speaker 1: Malaysia doing it, and that was the breaking point for me.
4:41
Speaker 1: It was like, what am I doing? So what happened
4:45
Speaker 1: when you were there? Tell me about your breaking point.
4:47
Speaker 1: I grew up in Utah and my obviously my family
4:51
Speaker 1: was Mormon, and in Utah, it's kind of just a
4:53
Speaker 1: given if you're at least if you're male, that you'll
4:56
Speaker 1: be going on a Mormon mission when you turn At
4:59
Speaker 1: the time, it was when you would turn nineteen. I
5:00
Speaker 1: think it's younger now. But so even if you're not
5:04
Speaker 1: that convinced of it, you're going to end up going
5:06
Speaker 1: somewhere for two years to do the proselytizing and trying
5:09
Speaker 1: to convince people to get on board. And also keep
5:12
Speaker 1: in mind for those people who don't know you're not well,
5:15
Speaker 1: correct me if I'm wrong, but you're you're not allowed
5:17
Speaker 1: to even call your parents right except on their birthday
5:19
Speaker 1: or something. During this time, you get to. I believe
5:23
Speaker 1: you get to call them on Mother's Day, uh and Christmas,
5:28
Speaker 1: and maybe I think like, and this is all of
5:31
Speaker 1: course based on my experience. I don't know even how
5:34
Speaker 1: many years ago, fifteen something years ago, so I do
5:38
Speaker 1: think they've kind of adjusted it, but not that much.
5:41
Speaker 1: You basically are cut off from the rest of the world.
5:43
Speaker 1: You can't watch TV, you can't listen to popular music,
5:46
Speaker 1: you can't read the news. It's essentially the one thing
5:49
Speaker 1: you get to read is the Book of Mormon or
5:52
Speaker 1: the Bible, and then the rest of the world is
5:54
Speaker 1: very unless you're like in a restaurant and there's a
5:57
Speaker 1: TV playing the news and you're like kind of stealing
5:59
Speaker 1: as at what's going on in the outside world. You
6:02
Speaker 1: have no idea what's happening. Yeah, it's slightly eerily similar
6:05
Speaker 1: to The Handmaid's Tale, with less um forms. I guess seclusion,
6:10
Speaker 1: you know. I mean, you're also not allowed to have caffeine.
6:13
Speaker 1: You certainly can't have sex, no drugs or alcohol, which
6:17
Speaker 1: would be really hard to deal with if you I
6:19
Speaker 1: was going to become religious, that would be the first
6:21
Speaker 1: thing that I would need an exorbitant amount. Yeah. Yeah, well,
6:28
Speaker 1: before we get to all the fun stuff. We'll take
6:29
Speaker 1: a quick break. Okay, sounds good, We'll be right back.
6:36
Speaker 1: And so what about your siblings. Are you in touch
6:39
Speaker 1: with your siblings at all? Oh? Yeah, I mean my
6:41
Speaker 1: family for the most part is like I came out
6:45
Speaker 1: extremely late when I was thirty, largely because of Mormonism.
6:49
Speaker 1: I had left the church. I had been out of
6:51
Speaker 1: it for maybe a decade before I came out. But
6:53
Speaker 1: the reason it took me so long as I was
6:55
Speaker 1: afraid I was going to lose my family or lose
6:57
Speaker 1: connection with them. And then most of were oddly cool
7:00
Speaker 1: with it. My parents were very they were able to
7:04
Speaker 1: catch on pretty quickly. And then some of my said,
7:07
Speaker 1: like my younger sister and I are like best friends,
7:09
Speaker 1: and I think she saw it coming and was totally
7:12
Speaker 1: cool with it. That I have two brothers who were
7:14
Speaker 1: on board for the most part, so it's uh. And
7:17
Speaker 1: then like extended family seems pretty good with it as well.
7:20
Speaker 1: It's been very surprising. Yeah, well that that sounds like
7:23
Speaker 1: a great experience then, right, because that's not the typical
7:27
Speaker 1: Mormon experience. I mean, it can really go in any direction,
7:30
Speaker 1: and that's what I was prepared for. So for it
7:33
Speaker 1: to have worked out this well, and for them to
7:34
Speaker 1: have embraced my boyfriend the way they have, it's been
7:37
Speaker 1: pretty amazing. Sometimes I'm like, does my mom still think
7:40
Speaker 1: this is a phase and that eventually I'll just break
7:42
Speaker 1: up with my boyfriend and then find a wife. But
7:45
Speaker 1: I think for the most part, they've just been lovely.
7:49
Speaker 1: And do you think that having to wait until your
7:51
Speaker 1: thirty coming out to your thirty, like, do you think
7:53
Speaker 1: that had idlitarious impact on your growth as a human
7:58
Speaker 1: being or do you feel like that was just your road?
8:02
Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's I mean, it continues to impact
8:05
Speaker 1: me within my relationship. I'm still like, there are still
8:08
Speaker 1: things I struggle with. Just intimacy in general with friends,
8:12
Speaker 1: with people in my life is still very difficult for
8:15
Speaker 1: me because I held so much from the people I
8:18
Speaker 1: loved for such a long time. It's hard for me
8:20
Speaker 1: to share feelings with even with my boyfriend. Will have
8:23
Speaker 1: to drag information out of me because I'm just used
8:25
Speaker 1: to having this shield up, and then it affects other
8:28
Speaker 1: things too, just like making decisions. Just in general. I
8:34
Speaker 1: probably have another decade of therapy before I feel like
8:37
Speaker 1: I'll feel like a complete operating person. Yeah, And I
8:41
Speaker 1: think that is the point for any listeners who are
8:44
Speaker 1: parents with children who may come to you with a
8:47
Speaker 1: decision that you may not like or approve of, like
8:51
Speaker 1: you have to remember the impact that you're having on
8:53
Speaker 1: them for the rest of their lives postponing, you know,
8:56
Speaker 1: doing something at thirty that you could have done when
8:59
Speaker 1: you were twenty, or if you were really lucky and
9:01
Speaker 1: felt secure, and you know, even younger, you know you
9:05
Speaker 1: could have been completely honest about your situation and not
9:08
Speaker 1: not have stunted your growth as an individual, as a
9:12
Speaker 1: sexual being, as somebody who could be vociferous about their
9:16
Speaker 1: feelings towards the same sex, and your pursuit of a
9:19
Speaker 1: relationship like these are all things that we should be
9:22
Speaker 1: able to be open about, and our family should be
9:25
Speaker 1: open and loving, because that doesn't preclude you being a
9:28
Speaker 1: lovable person. That just means you have a different set
9:32
Speaker 1: of interests than your parents do, or that the people
9:35
Speaker 1: that you're surrounded with do, and prolonging that and stunting
9:39
Speaker 1: that has a negative impact on anybody's life. And that's
9:43
Speaker 1: something that would be helpful to remember and to think,
9:46
Speaker 1: especially when you disagree with somebody's lifestyle. It's like, as
9:48
Speaker 1: long as there's not doing anything harming another person, there's
9:52
Speaker 1: no reason for your judgment to cloud your loving and
9:55
Speaker 1: acceptance of that person. Your love and acceptance of that person.
10:00
Speaker 1: So I would hope that anyone who finds out that
10:02
Speaker 1: they have a gay son or daughter or their son
10:05
Speaker 1: or daughter is interested in things that they are not
10:07
Speaker 1: interested in to try and just accept and love that
10:10
Speaker 1: person for who they are and their individuality. Yeah, so
10:15
Speaker 1: your relationship, Now, you've been in a relationship for a bit, right, Yeah,
10:19
Speaker 1: I've been with my boyfriend for seven years. That's the
10:22
Speaker 1: lucky number, seven years. Do you feel a seven year
10:25
Speaker 1: itch or no? I feel like a thirty year which
10:28
Speaker 1: after the last two years of the pandemic, I truly
10:31
Speaker 1: feel like we could have celebrated like our twenty fifth
10:33
Speaker 1: anniversary this year, and it's like putting twenty years into
10:37
Speaker 1: a time capsule if you survived the pandemic together. Right,
10:40
Speaker 1: I mean, thank god, knock on wood, We're doing all right.
10:44
Speaker 1: But it's been a very challenging two years. I mean
10:48
Speaker 1: especially the first year of Like this is the one
10:50
Speaker 1: person I get to spend any time with. It can
10:52
Speaker 1: be a little it could be a little tough. Is
10:55
Speaker 1: that when you started your podcast. I started the podcast
10:59
Speaker 1: seven of twenty nineteen. We recorded our first episode. We
11:03
Speaker 1: banked sixteen episodes, and then we premiered on March twelve,
11:08
Speaker 1: which was like literally the day of Lockdown. So then
11:12
Speaker 1: it was this weird thing of like releasing sixteen weeks
11:16
Speaker 1: of episodes that were recorded pre pandemic. The pandemic is
11:20
Speaker 1: not mentioned in any of them. It's like being sent
11:22
Speaker 1: from another universe essentially, And then was right into like
11:25
Speaker 1: getting on Zoom and being like, well, we'll only be
11:27
Speaker 1: doing this for three or four weeks and then we
11:29
Speaker 1: can get back into person. And now it's been two years. Yeah, right,
11:33
Speaker 1: A lot has changed since the beginning of the pandemic.
11:35
Speaker 1: When we were washing our food with windex and when
11:38
Speaker 1: it got delivered to our house, I mean, we did
11:40
Speaker 1: a process where my niece was living with me and
11:43
Speaker 1: she would get the takeoff food. She has O c D,
11:45
Speaker 1: so we'd let her clean the food and it was
11:47
Speaker 1: about forty five minutes before we could even get the
11:50
Speaker 1: packages open because she would cleave them for so long.
11:53
Speaker 1: And I look back at that time and think, what
11:55
Speaker 1: a bunch of assholes. But we didn't know. It did
12:00
Speaker 1: feel like the Dark Ages for everyone was it's like
12:03
Speaker 1: superstition essentially. Yeah, And I have to say when that
12:07
Speaker 1: first happened, there was a sense of like, oh, it's
12:09
Speaker 1: like it was like a snow day for two weeks,
12:11
Speaker 1: Like the first time, you're like, oh, nobody can leave
12:14
Speaker 1: their house and nobody can socialize like I. That was
12:16
Speaker 1: such music to my ears, the idea that I was
12:19
Speaker 1: forbidden from socializing or leaving my house because if it
12:23
Speaker 1: left to my own devices, I would love to just
12:25
Speaker 1: bop around in my own living room, popping a xanex
12:28
Speaker 1: here and there, taking mushrooms, reading books and watching TV.
12:32
Speaker 1: Because I'm being ordered to by the government. You know,
12:36
Speaker 1: there is no better lick, sir for me. But then
12:39
Speaker 1: obviously after the first initial two weeks, it started to
12:41
Speaker 1: get a little bit dicey. That's when people started to
12:43
Speaker 1: get aunty. And then here we are, so hopefully we're
12:46
Speaker 1: on the tail end of things. So talk about your
12:49
Speaker 1: I Said No Gifts is your podcast. It's called I
12:51
Speaker 1: Said No Gifts. Tell us about your podcast because somebody
12:54
Speaker 1: brings a gift to your podcast even though the title
12:57
Speaker 1: is to not bring gifts. That's exactly what it is.
13:01
Speaker 1: Once a week, somebody shows up with a gift that
13:04
Speaker 1: I did not request, and then it kind of, you know,
13:06
Speaker 1: a derail's conversation. We end up having to talk about
13:09
Speaker 1: whatever they brought me and how much you dislike it.
13:12
Speaker 1: Extremely frustrating. Yes, right, and so you got discovered by
13:16
Speaker 1: Jimmy Kimmel. Is that right for you? I did? Yeah.
13:19
Speaker 1: I had been in l A for like four and
13:21
Speaker 1: a half years and had been tweeting kind of as
13:24
Speaker 1: my job. I had been working as a p A
13:26
Speaker 1: and I was like, the one way out of this
13:28
Speaker 1: might be Twitter. I don't because I didn't really know
13:30
Speaker 1: anyone in the industry or anything, and I was ready
13:33
Speaker 1: to give up. I was like, well, I gave it
13:35
Speaker 1: four and a half years, maybe it's time to move
13:37
Speaker 1: back to Utah. And maybe a month later Jimmy DMed
13:40
Speaker 1: me and it was like I like your tweets and
13:42
Speaker 1: then hired me. It was wow, Yeah, truly I owe
13:48
Speaker 1: him so many things, like at this point I probably
13:52
Speaker 1: said that so much. He's like, back off, but I
13:55
Speaker 1: don't care. He's such a sweetheart and started my writing career.
13:59
Speaker 1: Oh awesome. How long did you work there or do
14:01
Speaker 1: you still work there. Um No, I was there for
14:03
Speaker 1: a year and a half and then I went and
14:05
Speaker 1: I worked on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and I've worked more
14:08
Speaker 1: in like scripted TV. Good for you, Good for you. Okay, Well,
14:12
Speaker 1: you know this is an advice podcast, right, so people
14:15
Speaker 1: call in asking for our advice and we're just going
14:17
Speaker 1: to give it to them straight Catherine, What what do
14:20
Speaker 1: you have in store for us today? Or what do
14:22
Speaker 1: we have in store for us today? Well, we have
14:25
Speaker 1: some dramatic stuff, but I'm going to make you wait
14:28
Speaker 1: until after an ad break and then we'll get to it. Okay,
14:31
Speaker 1: We're gonna take a break and we'll be right back,
14:36
Speaker 1: and we're back. We're back. So our first email today
14:41
Speaker 1: comes from Heather. Heather says, Dear Chelsea, I don't know
14:45
Speaker 1: how to tell my husband he fucking sucks at buying presents.
14:49
Speaker 1: I have to always send him links to gifts I want,
14:52
Speaker 1: which takes away all the surprise. He's a great husband, father,
14:56
Speaker 1: and best friend. I think it bothers me so much
14:59
Speaker 1: because I'm so thoughtful with my gift giving and take
15:01
Speaker 1: care of everything when it comes to birthdays and holidays.
15:04
Speaker 1: I buy all the gifts for the kids and his parents.
15:08
Speaker 1: I don't need expensive items. A card and flowers would
15:11
Speaker 1: be nice. But once he bought me Microsoft Office for
15:15
Speaker 1: students for my birthday and I couldn't stop crying for
15:18
Speaker 1: an hour because I was so disappointed. I was pregnant
15:22
Speaker 1: and hormonal and in grad school at the time. He's
15:24
Speaker 1: sensitive and I know his feelings will be hurt. How
15:27
Speaker 1: do I tell him I need more thoughtfulness when it
15:29
Speaker 1: comes to him buying me presents without sounding like a
15:32
Speaker 1: materialistic asshole. Heather, Okay, well, actually, yeah, this is your
15:37
Speaker 1: wheelhouse gifts, unwanted gifts. Yeah. I mean, let's just first
15:43
Speaker 1: of all, say buying anyone Microsoft Office for any occasion
15:46
Speaker 1: as an attack, that is, if you will. I mean,
15:52
Speaker 1: there's no excuse there, Like that's just a flat out
15:56
Speaker 1: bad gift. But we should also say to Heather, some
16:00
Speaker 1: people are I think, are just not good at giving gifts.
16:03
Speaker 1: It's a skill. It's like not being good at playing
16:06
Speaker 1: the piano. It's like you can't be mad at somebody
16:08
Speaker 1: for not being able to play the piano. But this
16:10
Speaker 1: guy sounds somehow worse than not being good at gifts,
16:14
Speaker 1: because he's like Microsoft Office. But giving gifts is so important,
16:21
Speaker 1: especially if that's your love language. I mean, I know
16:23
Speaker 1: a friend of mine who a series of bad gifts.
16:26
Speaker 1: It wasn't just one, but a series of bad gifts,
16:29
Speaker 1: and lack of thought about these gifts was one of
16:32
Speaker 1: the things that led directly to her breakup. For example,
16:35
Speaker 1: for a significant birthday, this guy had gone to the
16:39
Speaker 1: jewelry store and bought her something that was just like
16:41
Speaker 1: kind of weird and sort of dowdy, and he gave
16:44
Speaker 1: it to her, and as she's trying to sort of
16:46
Speaker 1: like put on a happy face and like say thank you,
16:48
Speaker 1: he goes, oh, well, yeah, I know it's not really
16:51
Speaker 1: your style, but the jewelry store was closing, so I
16:53
Speaker 1: just had to pick something. Like I actually said that,
16:56
Speaker 1: like truly, I think there are people who are just
16:58
Speaker 1: really bad at that, and for some people it's a
17:01
Speaker 1: really important thing. Right. This might sound judgy, and so
17:05
Speaker 1: be it. I would just argue, like, if gifts are
17:08
Speaker 1: that fucking important to you, then that's a need for
17:11
Speaker 1: some reevaluation, you know, because like you said, I like
17:14
Speaker 1: what you said about being bad at playing the piano,
17:16
Speaker 1: Like it is a skill set and some people don't
17:18
Speaker 1: have all the skill sets. It shouldn't be the basis
17:21
Speaker 1: of whether or not you stay with or break up
17:22
Speaker 1: with somebody. And to to the question to Heather, I'm
17:26
Speaker 1: sure your husband has caught onto the fact you mean
17:29
Speaker 1: that you're not impressed, because you cited various examples of that.
17:34
Speaker 1: But in a very loving way, what you can ask
17:37
Speaker 1: him for is something that shows love, you know, something
17:41
Speaker 1: that shows your intimacy and that demonstrates that he knows
17:45
Speaker 1: and sees you. And Microsoft word or a blender are
17:49
Speaker 1: the same thing in that category. My driver, Billy is
17:52
Speaker 1: the worst gift giver ever with his wife. And this
17:54
Speaker 1: is a lot of straight men's problem, like they don't
17:56
Speaker 1: have that attention to detail, you know, they don't care.
17:59
Speaker 1: That mean the guy leaving the jewelry store like, oh
18:02
Speaker 1: I just got that. It actually sounds like the person
18:05
Speaker 1: that your friend is, Catherine that you're talking about. It
18:08
Speaker 1: sounds like their partners like you know what, fuck you?
18:11
Speaker 1: And maybe that was what really looked Yeah maybe so.
18:15
Speaker 1: But for Heather, you can say in a loving way
18:18
Speaker 1: like it doesn't have to be a big production, but
18:20
Speaker 1: it has to be something that you've thought, given thought
18:23
Speaker 1: to about what my reaction will be something that you
18:26
Speaker 1: know that I'll enjoy. I just need to show. I
18:29
Speaker 1: need you to demonstrate your thought and care for me, right,
18:32
Speaker 1: And that's not something that's going to blow up. You
18:34
Speaker 1: don't have to have an argument about it. It's just like, please,
18:38
Speaker 1: you know, instead of crying. I understand you were pregnant
18:41
Speaker 1: and your emotions and hormones were all over the map,
18:43
Speaker 1: but like, that's not the way to make your point either.
18:46
Speaker 1: The point is just to say, like, listen, I need
18:48
Speaker 1: you to demonstrate and give them some examples of things
18:50
Speaker 1: that would make you happy, noticing something that you need
18:53
Speaker 1: or that you're missing, or that something that you've mentioned
18:56
Speaker 1: you've liked before or on a friend or something like that.
19:00
Speaker 1: You can give the examples and also not hold everyone
19:04
Speaker 1: to the standard that they're going to be the best
19:07
Speaker 1: gift giver. I'm sure your husband has other qualities that
19:10
Speaker 1: you enjoy, and you should really start focusing a little
19:13
Speaker 1: bit more on those things. Yeah, a rule in my
19:17
Speaker 1: marriage is I don't want something I need. I want
19:20
Speaker 1: something I want which maybe i'll love actually quote, but
19:23
Speaker 1: he steers towards those things, whereas he wants like an
19:26
Speaker 1: ice maker for the kitchen, like he wants stuff that's useful,
19:30
Speaker 1: and yeah he wants hobby stuff. Yeah. My general thought
19:35
Speaker 1: is I just am very loud about the few material
19:39
Speaker 1: things I like to my boyfriend. I make it very clear.
19:42
Speaker 1: They're like three categories. I just repeat them over and over,
19:45
Speaker 1: especially near holidays or my birthday, and it makes it
19:48
Speaker 1: easy for him. He's not a great gift giver, and
19:51
Speaker 1: he he is a decent gift giver, but because I've
19:54
Speaker 1: given him all of the information and the tools, gave
19:56
Speaker 1: him some basic building blocks and let him go ahead
19:58
Speaker 1: with it. Yeah, I'm not going to give giving. I'm
20:00
Speaker 1: luckily I have an assistant who does that for me
20:03
Speaker 1: and then kind of does small amounts of research with
20:05
Speaker 1: my relationships to find out what those people need. But
20:08
Speaker 1: if I didn't have that, I wouldn't be great at
20:10
Speaker 1: it with Joe. Had one milestone with him, which is Christmas,
20:13
Speaker 1: and I got him a fancy watch because I know
20:15
Speaker 1: he loves watches. But I'm already like, funk, what am
20:17
Speaker 1: I going to do for his birthday? Like that was
20:19
Speaker 1: my one gift, that's my one idea. I mean, he
20:23
Speaker 1: loves sneakers, but he buys himself pairs of those like
20:25
Speaker 1: all day long. So I'm already like, oh and he
20:28
Speaker 1: got me you know what he got me for my
20:30
Speaker 1: birthday just that just recently passed. He got me this
20:32
Speaker 1: because I said, please, don't get me a gift. Please.
20:35
Speaker 1: You know, I don't care about gifts. I have everything
20:37
Speaker 1: I need and I don't want for anything. And so
20:39
Speaker 1: he got me this huge amethyst stone that's got good
20:43
Speaker 1: vibes and all of that. And I was like, oh God,
20:46
Speaker 1: that really made me think I better step my game
20:49
Speaker 1: up because that was a great gift, something I didn't
20:51
Speaker 1: know I needed. But of course I would welcome into
20:53
Speaker 1: my home. I always want positive vibes around me, you know,
20:56
Speaker 1: especially with my nuggetive attitude. Now, let me ask if
21:00
Speaker 1: he had just straight up not gotten you anything, how
21:02
Speaker 1: would you have reacted? Um, would you have felt kind of?
21:08
Speaker 1: I wouldn't. I just don't care about that. I don't.
21:11
Speaker 1: I mean, it's nice to get gifts, and I appreciate it,
21:13
Speaker 1: but I don't require it. I'm going to get myself
21:16
Speaker 1: whatever I need. You know, I'm an independent woman, and
21:19
Speaker 1: I've been doing it for so long that it's going
21:21
Speaker 1: to take me a while to be able to really
21:23
Speaker 1: like loosen up and get excited. That's the thing. I
21:26
Speaker 1: don't get excited about gifts, so I feel like it's fake.
21:30
Speaker 1: When I opened them, I have to go, oh my god,
21:34
Speaker 1: oh my god, I love this. Like that is the
21:36
Speaker 1: part that I desire the least. What would you say
21:40
Speaker 1: your love language is? What are the love languages? Again,
21:44
Speaker 1: there's acts of service, so it's like doing things around
21:47
Speaker 1: the house. There are words of affirmation, quality time is one,
21:53
Speaker 1: gift giving and physical touch. Physical touch, I would say
21:58
Speaker 1: quality time is my love languag Yeah, I would say
22:01
Speaker 1: probably acts of service. Yeah, I feel like that going
22:05
Speaker 1: both ways is a nice thing you can do and
22:07
Speaker 1: it helps the other person. It's always personal. Yeah, yeah,
22:12
Speaker 1: that's a good one too. I do that too. I
22:14
Speaker 1: like to show up for people, you know, especially when
22:16
Speaker 1: they're in need, make sure they know they're not alone,
22:19
Speaker 1: that kind of thing, and so few people do that. Yeah, right, exactly,
22:25
Speaker 1: it's not a two way street a lot of the time. Well, Heather,
22:28
Speaker 1: I would say, like, look into what your husband's love
22:31
Speaker 1: languages are. Let him know that gift giving might be
22:33
Speaker 1: really important to you. Also, if all else feels like
22:36
Speaker 1: recruited girlfriend to be like hey, here's what she wants.
22:40
Speaker 1: Get this thing so it still feels like a surprise
22:43
Speaker 1: to you, but or like one of your kids, right yeah,
22:47
Speaker 1: or just say write me a nice card and give
22:50
Speaker 1: me money. Then I'll just buy the damn thing. Yeah.
22:53
Speaker 1: Actually I say that all the time. I'm like, please,
22:55
Speaker 1: just write me a card. I love that that. I
22:57
Speaker 1: love to read a card. I love words and I
22:59
Speaker 1: love language. That always moves you when you can read
23:02
Speaker 1: something sweet about yourself. Make a list of my best qualities,
23:08
Speaker 1: put in a card with money, and then write a
23:10
Speaker 1: fucking poem. I'm rhyming them all. Okay, get on it
23:15
Speaker 1: all right, Well, Heatherlow's know how it goes. And if
23:18
Speaker 1: you get better gifts maybe next time. Yeah, we are
23:21
Speaker 1: going to take a quick break so you can hear
23:23
Speaker 1: and add and then we'll be right back. Well, we
23:30
Speaker 1: have a couple of colors with us today. Our next
23:33
Speaker 1: question comes from Ezra. He says, Dear Chelsea, I'm writing
23:38
Speaker 1: to you about a problem I'm having with this one
23:39
Speaker 1: friend who I think doesn't understand certain cues. She and
23:43
Speaker 1: I have been friends for about four years. It's a
23:45
Speaker 1: solid friendship, but I think there are things we can
23:47
Speaker 1: work on She's known my boyfriend for about three years
23:50
Speaker 1: and she gets along with him well. Him and I
23:52
Speaker 1: have been together for about seven years. She made a
23:55
Speaker 1: point to me that she considers him a friend separate
23:57
Speaker 1: to me, which I'm totally cool with. My problem is
24:01
Speaker 1: sometimes I'd ask her to hang out and she'd say
24:03
Speaker 1: she's busy at the moment, but later would text my
24:06
Speaker 1: boyfriend to hang out at a bar with her and
24:08
Speaker 1: her boyfriend so they can all hang out watch sports
24:11
Speaker 1: except for me. Now. I don't know if it's intentional,
24:14
Speaker 1: but it makes me and my boyfriend really uncomfortable. He'd
24:17
Speaker 1: come to me with the text and he wouldn't know
24:19
Speaker 1: what to do out of respect for me. I personally
24:22
Speaker 1: think it's weird and hurts my feelings a little bit
24:24
Speaker 1: because I always include her boyfriend when we're doing a
24:27
Speaker 1: group thing. I love that she loves my boyfriend, and
24:29
Speaker 1: I don't want to make it an awkward thing between us.
24:31
Speaker 1: She's very German and can sometimes be a bit bitchy,
24:34
Speaker 1: but I can too. What do you think I should do? Sincerely, Ezra?
24:38
Speaker 1: And he's here with his boyfriend Nathan. Oh hi guys, go,
24:41
Speaker 1: Oh my god, two bears. I love it than you
24:46
Speaker 1: are you guys on a standing. Oh my god, you
24:48
Speaker 1: guys are so cute. Look at this double the fun
24:55
Speaker 1: I love it. I love it. Yeah, I think that's weird.
24:59
Speaker 1: I mean, it's so funny that you say she's German
25:02
Speaker 1: because that I'm German. And I know exactly what you mean.
25:07
Speaker 1: I know exactly that kind of abrupt social cluelessness that
25:11
Speaker 1: comes with that. A lot of my family members have
25:14
Speaker 1: it or they're just like, it's a little harsh, but
25:16
Speaker 1: it doesn't make sense for her to be doing that.
25:18
Speaker 1: It is exclusionary, like especially if you have the foundational
25:21
Speaker 1: relationship with her, which you do, right, which one of
25:24
Speaker 1: which one of you has the relationship with her. She's
25:27
Speaker 1: my friend, okay, and she's been friends with you way
25:30
Speaker 1: before you were in this relationship. Okay. So yeah, that
25:36
Speaker 1: is weird and and and there's a nice way to say,
25:40
Speaker 1: and it should come from both of you. Hey makes
25:43
Speaker 1: us both uncomfortable. It's not you being paranoid or jealous.
25:46
Speaker 1: It's like we're both a little bit weirded out by that,
25:49
Speaker 1: because why would one of you want to go hang
25:51
Speaker 1: out with them as a couple without both of you, Like,
25:54
Speaker 1: what what is you're not a throuble. Yeah, it's really
25:59
Speaker 1: strange that she's doing that because we're totally fine hanging
26:02
Speaker 1: out with a group like all together, and she's been
26:04
Speaker 1: doing that like recently. Yeah, in the last like year,
26:09
Speaker 1: I would say, she's been reaching out to us, like
26:10
Speaker 1: reaching out to each of us individually, especially me, and
26:14
Speaker 1: kind of like, what did it do? Yeah, it just
26:18
Speaker 1: feels off. So and I don't know if like I
26:21
Speaker 1: should be the one to like say because she reaches
26:22
Speaker 1: out to me, or like he should bring it up.
26:25
Speaker 1: Like it's kind of like you say no every time
26:27
Speaker 1: to her. I say no because I'm like, I don't
26:29
Speaker 1: want to make it awkward. I think there's a little
26:31
Speaker 1: I mean, you could do that too. I mean somebody
26:34
Speaker 1: should say something to her. I like the idea of
26:36
Speaker 1: you guys going together as a united front so she
26:38
Speaker 1: doesn't get it twisted and moving forward that she understands
26:41
Speaker 1: you guys are a pair, you're a unit, you're a couple,
26:44
Speaker 1: and there's no more of that. And as a united front,
26:47
Speaker 1: it's like parenting, you know, an arrant child like then
26:49
Speaker 1: there's no question about what the next move is. I mean,
26:54
Speaker 1: do you feel comfortable sending in an email or just
26:56
Speaker 1: like having is it something that you would sit down
26:57
Speaker 1: and have a conversation with her about? Is like she
27:00
Speaker 1: kind of she didn't bring it up, and she is
27:03
Speaker 1: like anything, he's never available. She's like, it's it's weird.
27:06
Speaker 1: He keeps blowing her off. And I guess that was
27:09
Speaker 1: like my way into say, like, by the way, I
27:12
Speaker 1: think this is a little strange, but I just kind
27:15
Speaker 1: of frozen. I just kind of like, yeah, I think
27:16
Speaker 1: it's just it's just busy or maybe he feels weird
27:19
Speaker 1: about And then she didn't say anything and she kept
27:21
Speaker 1: doing it afterwards, So yeah, yeah, I think in person
27:25
Speaker 1: is probably the best way, just because then we can
27:27
Speaker 1: like see her and have the conversation and not getting
27:31
Speaker 1: miss misconstrued with texts and stuff. You know. Yeah, Bridget,
27:35
Speaker 1: what do you think? Well, Azra, I don't want to
27:37
Speaker 1: point any fingers, but maybe you're a little at fault
27:40
Speaker 1: for getting a boyfriend that she likes more than you.
27:44
Speaker 1: Is it like, did you think about that before entering
27:47
Speaker 1: this relationship. I feel like this woman socially is just
27:52
Speaker 1: very strange. She is, Yeah, what are either of you
27:56
Speaker 1: getting out of this? She's very direct and she's just
28:00
Speaker 1: say things sometimes and like some of her reactions. Sometimes
28:02
Speaker 1: I'm like, if I ever crossed her, there's gonna be
28:06
Speaker 1: like this, She's gonna do something really drastic. So I
28:09
Speaker 1: try not to like get on her back. So even
28:11
Speaker 1: though like I really do like her as a friend,
28:13
Speaker 1: have great conversations, and I love her honesty, but yeah,
28:16
Speaker 1: there's a part of I mean that I don't comfortable
28:20
Speaker 1: with everything with her yet Yeah, well, hey, she should
28:24
Speaker 1: not have that kind of power over you. She's a friend,
28:26
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, She's not your employer, and
28:28
Speaker 1: that your employer should even have that kind of power
28:30
Speaker 1: over you. So yeah, that's why it's even better to
28:33
Speaker 1: go at her with the United Front. Bridger, I'm sorry
28:35
Speaker 1: I interrupted you. I couldn't control myself. Well, it's a
28:38
Speaker 1: very odd situation. I mean, if you love conversations with her,
28:42
Speaker 1: she seems like a bad friend, but she could make
28:44
Speaker 1: a good like co host to a podcast. The three
28:46
Speaker 1: of you could host that conversations and then you know
28:50
Speaker 1: you're scheduling everything together. It's very formal, and she, you know,
28:54
Speaker 1: I feel like she's trying to drive a wedge between
28:57
Speaker 1: the two of you. And if you've got a podcast contract.
28:59
Speaker 1: There's more lea of issues that she's going to have
29:01
Speaker 1: to get around. I'm just setting up some I'm thinking
29:04
Speaker 1: about some outside the box options because this woman seems
29:07
Speaker 1: out of control yet I also wonder if you could
29:14
Speaker 1: just joke with her and be like, why do you
29:16
Speaker 1: keep doing that? That's so silly, and then start a
29:18
Speaker 1: group chat a group text chain. So it's like, come,
29:21
Speaker 1: ask us both if we want to hang out and Ezra,
29:24
Speaker 1: like you had mentioned on our call together, they like
29:27
Speaker 1: sports a little bit more than you do, but like
29:29
Speaker 1: it's still will be fun to be invited. So like
29:31
Speaker 1: just be like, girl, like, why don't you I'll come too,
29:35
Speaker 1: even if I'm not into sports. You know, yeah, but
29:37
Speaker 1: you know what I will say. I I know what
29:38
Speaker 1: you're saying, Catherine, But I find with people like who
29:40
Speaker 1: are direct and abrupt, they respect being. You know, when
29:45
Speaker 1: you're direct and abrupt with them, they don't expect it
29:48
Speaker 1: because they know that they've got power over you. They
29:50
Speaker 1: know she knows she's intimidating, she knows that she's a
29:52
Speaker 1: strong personality. So if you come back at her with
29:55
Speaker 1: the two of you in the United Front and you're
29:57
Speaker 1: actually very direct about it, there's no room for an misinterpretation. Yeah, yeah,
30:02
Speaker 1: it's like you have to bully a bully almost. Yeah,
30:06
Speaker 1: I didn't think about their approach, but no, I didn't
30:10
Speaker 1: go for it. Yeah, yeah, don't be worried about retaliation
30:14
Speaker 1: or getting on her bad side. That's not a friendship
30:17
Speaker 1: anyway if you feel that way. So this is gonna
30:20
Speaker 1: be a good exercise for you guys, for you as
30:22
Speaker 1: or two. If you feel that way about her, it's
30:24
Speaker 1: good to stand up to a bully in a way,
30:26
Speaker 1: you know. I mean, I know bully is a strong
30:28
Speaker 1: word for what she she's doing, but it is a
30:30
Speaker 1: little bit bullish. And news is if she blows up,
30:35
Speaker 1: she's losing two friends. And you've eat you're losing half
30:38
Speaker 1: a friend. So you have numbers on your side here.
30:42
Speaker 1: It's a good that's a good thing to tell her
30:44
Speaker 1: to you're half a friend. It was my way to
30:48
Speaker 1: deal with it. We're just to not because I haven't
30:49
Speaker 1: reached out her, right Also, I haven't seen her. Was
30:51
Speaker 1: just like I didn't go sir, I just don't. I
30:53
Speaker 1: haven't reached out because I just have been feeling weird
30:55
Speaker 1: towards her, and I know she's told you happy for
30:58
Speaker 1: a day a couple of days ago, and she's that
31:00
Speaker 1: she wanted to hang. Yeah, but I haven't heard from rest.
31:05
Speaker 1: She's kind of am I right now. So we're if
31:09
Speaker 1: she comes back, have a conversation with her together. I
31:13
Speaker 1: think that's a good Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sounds good. That
31:17
Speaker 1: sounds good. Let us know how that goes. Well, we'll
31:20
Speaker 1: thank you. Okay, you guys got sex okay, by Okay, Well,
31:30
Speaker 1: that woman sounds like what is that? What is that behavior? Yeah?
31:35
Speaker 1: So weird. You're not going to figure it out like
31:37
Speaker 1: they lived together. I know, I know. It seems a
31:42
Speaker 1: little bit twisty. Yeah, there's some psychosexuality happening there. It's
31:47
Speaker 1: it seems dangerous psychosexuality. That's a good term for this podcast. Psychosexuality.
31:54
Speaker 1: Define that for me Briger, what is psychosexuality? I feel
31:57
Speaker 1: like there's just some real basic instinct tie. You know,
32:00
Speaker 1: somebody's going to end up. There's some danger. Somebody is
32:04
Speaker 1: playing games, mind games games. Yes, I agree with that.
32:09
Speaker 1: She obviously knows what she's doing. Yes, And she's got
32:13
Speaker 1: two very attractive men that she can kind of toy
32:16
Speaker 1: with and she's using them as her pawns. Yeah, those
32:20
Speaker 1: two are very cute as many times as I can
32:23
Speaker 1: during this Yes, Well, our next call comes from m
32:28
Speaker 1: she's thirty three. Dear Chelsea, I have a huge crush
32:32
Speaker 1: on my personal trainer, and I don't know if I
32:34
Speaker 1: should do anything about it. I've been training with him
32:37
Speaker 1: for six months and my feelings haven't changed. I'm aware
32:41
Speaker 1: in his type of work he gets to know all
32:43
Speaker 1: his clients and that it's part of his job to
32:45
Speaker 1: help them feel good. But I almost feel like sometimes
32:48
Speaker 1: he's trying to see how I'll respond to some things,
32:50
Speaker 1: maybe find out if I'm liking him to or if
32:52
Speaker 1: it's all just fun and flirty and nothing more. I
32:55
Speaker 1: know this probably happens a lot with people in the
32:57
Speaker 1: fitness industry, but he doesn't seem like the type of
32:59
Speaker 1: trainer out here just to hook up with clients. On
33:02
Speaker 1: the other hand, he's the best personal trainer I've ever
33:04
Speaker 1: worked with. He teaches me a lot. We talked about nutrition.
33:07
Speaker 1: He really keeps me on track, and I'm finally seeing results.
33:10
Speaker 1: So part of me doesn't want to ruin a good
33:12
Speaker 1: thing by opening my fat mouth. I feel like a
33:14
Speaker 1: little girl with a schoolyard crush, and it's getting to
33:17
Speaker 1: the point where it's consuming my thoughts day today and
33:19
Speaker 1: becoming a major distraction. I need to know if I
33:22
Speaker 1: should let this go or tell him how I feel.
33:24
Speaker 1: M How long did she say that she's been having
33:27
Speaker 1: these feelings and how long have they been training? Six months?
33:30
Speaker 1: The whole time she's had a crush on him, right, yes, right, um, yeah,
33:35
Speaker 1: that's right. Hi a Joe KOI swat and I love it.
33:41
Speaker 1: I thought you'd appreciate that. H Hi, Hi, how are you?
33:48
Speaker 1: I'm great? How are you? Thank good having me Bridgers
33:51
Speaker 1: here today? He is our special guest and then Catherine
33:54
Speaker 1: is my co host, so say hello to them. Okay,
33:58
Speaker 1: so you've been training with him for six months and
34:00
Speaker 1: you felt this way since you started training with him. Yeah,
34:03
Speaker 1: that's right. I actually had a trainer at the same
34:06
Speaker 1: GYMP previously and she moved on to another role and
34:10
Speaker 1: I had the opportunity to pick my trainer, and I like,
34:13
Speaker 1: you know, I had taken classes with him and kind
34:15
Speaker 1: of knew like he had a cool personality and everything.
34:17
Speaker 1: And then once we started having like our one on
34:19
Speaker 1: one sessions, I was like, oh, okay, I think I
34:23
Speaker 1: think a little bit more about him. You know, are
34:26
Speaker 1: you from New Jersey or Philly, South Jersey. Yeah. Action,
34:32
Speaker 1: She said, you sound like my old roommate Colleen, who
34:34
Speaker 1: we had on the podcast. That's funny. Uh. Well, Roger,
34:39
Speaker 1: do you want to go first on this one and
34:41
Speaker 1: then I'll chime in. Well, let's just say first of all,
34:43
Speaker 1: finding a decent trainer at all is such a nightmare.
34:46
Speaker 1: So the fact that you found one that you like,
34:49
Speaker 1: you liked him from the day one. He must be
34:51
Speaker 1: good looking. Yeah, So have you had any conversations outside
34:55
Speaker 1: of anything that you know about his outside life outside
34:58
Speaker 1: of being of the lift weights or to cardio. Yeah.
35:01
Speaker 1: During your sessions sometimes will talk personally, just kind of
35:05
Speaker 1: get to know each other. But I feel like that's
35:06
Speaker 1: probably typical getting to know your clients. Sometimes they'll text
35:10
Speaker 1: outside of the gym, but it's always gym related, nutrition
35:13
Speaker 1: related things like that, So it's still kind of keeping
35:17
Speaker 1: it professional, right, And it would it be a huge
35:21
Speaker 1: loss if he went away as a trainer. That's the thing.
35:24
Speaker 1: I feel like, it's really hard to find a good trainer.
35:27
Speaker 1: So that's why I'm like I'm torn inside on like
35:30
Speaker 1: what I want to if I want to do anything here,
35:32
Speaker 1: because yeah, I think there's plenty of great trainers out there. Okay, Well,
35:37
Speaker 1: I'm gonna just my initial gut instinct is he's not
35:41
Speaker 1: your therapist. You know, this is a guy you're at
35:45
Speaker 1: the gym. I think that it's okay at least flirting
35:48
Speaker 1: with the idea of asking him to hang out. I
35:51
Speaker 1: think that's perfectly fair, and if it goes south, you'll
35:55
Speaker 1: move on to another trainer. Chelsea, what do you think
35:58
Speaker 1: of this situation? Okay, I'm going to just agree with
36:00
Speaker 1: you because I think a good trainer, especially now that
36:03
Speaker 1: you're seeing results and you're getting your act together, and
36:05
Speaker 1: that he's doubling as a nutritionist, I think all of
36:08
Speaker 1: those are such valuable components to have in your life
36:11
Speaker 1: because they will shift everything that's happening in your life.
36:14
Speaker 1: When you're healthier and you're stronger, Like there's a mental
36:17
Speaker 1: gradation that happens, and you're just kind of now starting
36:20
Speaker 1: to feel it. Six months isn't that long of a
36:22
Speaker 1: time if something is going to develop between you two.
36:25
Speaker 1: I mean, your feelings may pass, is what I'm saying.
36:28
Speaker 1: A lot of people have crushes on their trainers, and
36:30
Speaker 1: then after nine months, three more months could happen you'll
36:32
Speaker 1: be like, what was I thinking? You know, So, don't
36:34
Speaker 1: sacrifice a relationship that's working for what it is on
36:38
Speaker 1: the surface. It's working for what you hired him for, right,
36:41
Speaker 1: he's working in that sense. Don't sacrifice that for six
36:45
Speaker 1: months of like a feeling you have. You just have
36:47
Speaker 1: a crush on your trainer. That's not a big deal.
36:50
Speaker 1: You'll probably get over it. If you're not over it
36:52
Speaker 1: in a year, things will develop and progress. If it's
36:55
Speaker 1: a mutual thing. Naturally, if he's into you, you'll find
36:58
Speaker 1: out about that at some point as you become closer
37:01
Speaker 1: and as you guys spend more and more time together.
37:03
Speaker 1: But I would take the benefits of having a good
37:06
Speaker 1: trainer over the benefits of exposing your question maybe having
37:09
Speaker 1: to get a new one just when things are clicking
37:11
Speaker 1: on that level. Right, And to that point, I will say,
37:14
Speaker 1: you're only interacting with him in a professional way. For
37:17
Speaker 1: all we know outside of the professional atmosphere, he's horrible.
37:23
Speaker 1: He's giving you his very best self, so you're gonna
37:26
Speaker 1: have and he's probably he's probably in shape, he is
37:29
Speaker 1: obviously good looking. And then you go to his apartment
37:32
Speaker 1: it's a total ship hole, and uh, this guy is
37:35
Speaker 1: obnoxious and you have nothing in common. That's the risk
37:39
Speaker 1: you're taking here. Yeah, he might just be great at
37:42
Speaker 1: getting you in shape and like he's pleasant enough. Yeah,
37:46
Speaker 1: and also as time goes on, you know, Yeah, there's
37:49
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with saying, hey, do you want to join
37:51
Speaker 1: me in a group of friends or do you want
37:52
Speaker 1: to go to a concert or whatever you're interested in
37:54
Speaker 1: doing with him and get a read on it, you know.
37:57
Speaker 1: But you don't have to be like, I have feelings
37:59
Speaker 1: for you, you know what I mean. You can kind
38:01
Speaker 1: of get your answer without digging too deep. But focus
38:04
Speaker 1: on all the good things you're getting out of the
38:05
Speaker 1: relationship and beat content and happy with that because a
38:08
Speaker 1: lot of people work a long time to get a
38:10
Speaker 1: good trainer and to get healthy and to get stronger,
38:12
Speaker 1: and that's going to be a benefit you more than
38:14
Speaker 1: anything else that we're talking about right now. Yeah. Yeah, No,
38:17
Speaker 1: that's really good advice. And it's one of those things
38:19
Speaker 1: I've been thinking about. It's like, I don't necessarily want
38:21
Speaker 1: to go out of my way and say, hey, you know,
38:24
Speaker 1: I'm having these feelings or whatever. But at the same time,
38:27
Speaker 1: I'm like, this is a really good thing that we
38:29
Speaker 1: have going on, so maybe it's worth just letting it
38:32
Speaker 1: be that, and then if something comes of it in
38:34
Speaker 1: the future, great, If not, like you said, like I
38:37
Speaker 1: might in a couple of weeks or a few months
38:39
Speaker 1: be like, I can't believe how to crush on him
38:41
Speaker 1: and be over it. So I've done that with almost
38:45
Speaker 1: every trainer I've ever worked with. In fact, the trainer
38:48
Speaker 1: I use now as somebody I've never had a crush on,
38:50
Speaker 1: which is why I'm still with him. But I mean,
38:52
Speaker 1: I felt that's this way that you're talking about, which
38:55
Speaker 1: is why I'm giving you this advice, Like with a
38:57
Speaker 1: bunch of guys that I'm so glad I never did
39:00
Speaker 1: anything with. I once had a tennis coach and I
39:03
Speaker 1: texted him. We had gone for drinks and I texted him,
39:05
Speaker 1: this was years ago, and I was like, Hey, do
39:08
Speaker 1: you want to come over and let's get this party started?
39:11
Speaker 1: And he wrote back, no, I don't and this is
39:15
Speaker 1: a totally professional relationship and I can't believe you even
39:17
Speaker 1: set that text. And I was like mortified. So I
39:22
Speaker 1: never made that mistake again because that was more and
39:25
Speaker 1: more you know what I mean, Like that was just
39:26
Speaker 1: why why I just don't mess up a good thing, right, Yeah,
39:30
Speaker 1: And I know like younger version of me probably would
39:32
Speaker 1: have done something like that, you know, like sen a
39:34
Speaker 1: text never regretted it, But older like me now, I'm like,
39:38
Speaker 1: you know what, don't like, don't make the same mistakes
39:40
Speaker 1: you've made before and just write it out. See what happens.
39:43
Speaker 1: Maybe nothing happens. I don't know, but it's that thing
39:46
Speaker 1: where it's been in my mind and I'm thinking about
39:48
Speaker 1: it all the time, and I just needed somebody else's
39:51
Speaker 1: perspective on the whole thing. Well, good, I'm glad you
39:53
Speaker 1: called in. Yeah, thank you so much. Thank god, we're
39:57
Speaker 1: here for you to the So come say hi to
40:01
Speaker 1: our friend from South Jersey who's wearing a Joe Koi sweatshirt. Honey,
40:04
Speaker 1: look she got your your merch. She helped pay for
40:07
Speaker 1: that birthday present you got me. Hi. Look say hi
40:13
Speaker 1: hi Joe. Oh my god, this is crazy. You were phenomenal.
40:17
Speaker 1: By the way, this is Atlantic City a few weeks ago.
40:20
Speaker 1: She said, it was a c a few weeks ago,
40:22
Speaker 1: and you were phenomenal. Thank you. You don't have enough
40:25
Speaker 1: headphones for the both of us. We can't afford that yet.
40:27
Speaker 1: So I have to translate. But that's okay. Okay, bye, honey,
40:32
Speaker 1: okay bye. I used to be her trainer. He used
40:38
Speaker 1: to be my trainer, he said, shut up, there's a microphone.
40:43
Speaker 1: I'm so confused about how my thank it away from us.
40:49
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, you guys, he's such an interloper. Okay, well,
40:53
Speaker 1: good luck with that and keep training. Yeah yeah, let
40:57
Speaker 1: us know. But let us know if he ever makes
40:58
Speaker 1: a move on you, because that'll be a nice twist
41:00
Speaker 1: and turn and then you'll be so happy you waited.
41:02
Speaker 1: Yeah right, yeah, I would definitely keep you posted. Alright,
41:06
Speaker 1: thank you, all right, thank you. Bye. This is going
41:11
Speaker 1: to be called Dear Chelsea with Joe Coy interruptions. People
41:16
Speaker 1: are always charmed by those, so you know, well, we
41:20
Speaker 1: have two more quick questions. Our next email comes from Philip.
41:25
Speaker 1: He says, Hi, Chelsea, I really enjoy your podcast, and
41:28
Speaker 1: I love how straightforward and honest your advice is. I'm
41:31
Speaker 1: a forty year old single gay man, and I feel
41:33
Speaker 1: like I've been looking for a meaningful relationship for forever.
41:37
Speaker 1: I've used just about every gay dating site and hook
41:39
Speaker 1: up app from gay dot Com back in the day
41:42
Speaker 1: to Grinder, Scruff, and Adam. For Adam, it's relatively easy
41:45
Speaker 1: to find hookups online, but if you even hint that
41:48
Speaker 1: you want to go on a date, you're likely to
41:50
Speaker 1: get ghosted or get told that they're just looking for friends.
41:53
Speaker 1: The amount of guys and relationships who are on dating
41:56
Speaker 1: and hook up apps is also truly staggering. I'm pretty
41:59
Speaker 1: happy being single, and I'd rather stay single than being
42:02
Speaker 1: a bad relationship. But I often think about how nice
42:05
Speaker 1: it would be to have someone to come home to
42:06
Speaker 1: every day and experience life with. Using dating apps exhausts me,
42:11
Speaker 1: and I'm not much of a bar person. Do you
42:13
Speaker 1: have any advice for how I might be able to
42:14
Speaker 1: meet some eligible single guys that might actually be interested
42:18
Speaker 1: in more than just a one night stand, Philip, Well,
42:23
Speaker 1: if you're not interested in any of that, well, Bridger,
42:25
Speaker 1: I mean you're gay. You probably have a better handle
42:27
Speaker 1: on this situation than I do. Yeah, well, I mean,
42:30
Speaker 1: who can say for sure, but I do have some
42:33
Speaker 1: experience in this. I entered my relationships seven years ago
42:37
Speaker 1: through Tinder, and I think at least at the time,
42:40
Speaker 1: Tinder was at least for the gay community the dating
42:44
Speaker 1: option compared to Grinder. Grinder took care of hook ups
42:49
Speaker 1: and that sort of thing, and then you would get
42:50
Speaker 1: on Tinder to meet people who actually want to meet
42:52
Speaker 1: you and have conversations this kind of thing. I can't say,
42:55
Speaker 1: God knows what Tinder looks like at this point, but
42:58
Speaker 1: I'll say if you don't want to be on these,
43:00
Speaker 1: so you don't. I don't go to bars, I'm not
43:01
Speaker 1: going out to parties in this sort of thing. I
43:03
Speaker 1: know a lot of friends who have had a lot
43:04
Speaker 1: of success going to like joining an adult soccer league,
43:07
Speaker 1: like a gay soccer league, or what are you interested in? There?
43:11
Speaker 1: Can you get online and look up groups and there
43:14
Speaker 1: are frequently, especially in the queer arena, groups of people
43:19
Speaker 1: that share interests that will meet up and that's a
43:22
Speaker 1: nice easy way to do. I love that. I love that.
43:24
Speaker 1: And another thing you can also do is reach out
43:26
Speaker 1: to your other your network of people, other gay friends
43:30
Speaker 1: and other straight friends who and ask everybody in a
43:33
Speaker 1: very genuine, earnest way, like, hey, I'm having I haven't
43:36
Speaker 1: had the best luck with all these dating apps. It
43:38
Speaker 1: feels a little slightly insincere. I'd like a more personal
43:41
Speaker 1: kind of connection with somebody visa VU or somebody that
43:45
Speaker 1: I trust and ask people like, do you have anybody
43:48
Speaker 1: in that you think I could maybe connect with, even
43:50
Speaker 1: on a friendship level, you know, because some people aren't
43:53
Speaker 1: great at seeing who potentially would have chemistry together. But
43:56
Speaker 1: you know, you can ask your friends and the people
43:59
Speaker 1: close in your life if they have anyone they can
44:01
Speaker 1: think of at work, someone they know fairly well, someone
44:04
Speaker 1: they know really well, just to try and get out
44:07
Speaker 1: there in a different way and meet people in a
44:09
Speaker 1: different way, and if they'd be comfortable setting you up.
44:12
Speaker 1: And another thing, I know we just talked about all
44:14
Speaker 1: these apps, but like Instagram is a way that a
44:17
Speaker 1: lot of people are hooking up these days. D m
44:20
Speaker 1: NG somebody. It is kind of the new dating app also,
44:23
Speaker 1: like because you can see a whole person's vibe from
44:26
Speaker 1: their Instagram page and then you can get a conversation going.
44:30
Speaker 1: And it's not necessarily like being on tender, you know,
44:34
Speaker 1: it's more of a casual kind of and then if
44:37
Speaker 1: you click with somebody, it's a natural thing to say, Hey,
44:39
Speaker 1: let's go be for a drink or let's go for
44:41
Speaker 1: a hike or whatever your idea of a date is. Yeah, yeah,
44:44
Speaker 1: Instagram is nice in that way where it's not dating first,
44:47
Speaker 1: it's life first, and then you start liking someone's things
44:52
Speaker 1: or whatever you do on this thing, and then you
44:54
Speaker 1: can kind of casually get into it without the pressure
44:56
Speaker 1: of a feeling like it's going to be a relationship.
44:59
Speaker 1: You can kind of get to know each other. Yeah,
45:00
Speaker 1: I think that takes a lot of the pressure off
45:02
Speaker 1: because being on a dating site is like it's there
45:04
Speaker 1: is something embarrassing about both of you being like we're
45:08
Speaker 1: trying to find somebody, you know, like there isn't really,
45:11
Speaker 1: but it can feel slightly desperate or it can feel
45:14
Speaker 1: embarrassing because there's no chance of a friendship because you know,
45:18
Speaker 1: if you're damning somebody on Instagram, you could develop and
45:21
Speaker 1: cultivated friendship that doesn't lead to anything. And that's nice
45:23
Speaker 1: as well. And the same with any of your friends
45:26
Speaker 1: or family members who may have somebody that they think
45:28
Speaker 1: of that might be a good match for you. You know,
45:30
Speaker 1: that's a better way of networking if you're over the
45:34
Speaker 1: dating apps. And I will say, I mean speaking personally,
45:37
Speaker 1: I love match making. I love putting friends with other friends.
45:41
Speaker 1: Don't underestimate, especially if you're gay, there's definitely someone in
45:43
Speaker 1: your life who loves doing the same thing. Start reaching
45:47
Speaker 1: out and somebody might be just waiting to set you
45:50
Speaker 1: up with somebody. Yeah, that's a good point. There you go.
45:54
Speaker 1: There you haven't problem solved. I was waiting for that,
45:58
Speaker 1: waiting for it. Well, thanks Philip. Let us know how
46:00
Speaker 1: it goes. And our last question comes from Jessica. Jessica says,
46:05
Speaker 1: dear Chelsea, let's get straight to the point. I'm hilarious.
46:09
Speaker 1: I've been told that I need to do stand up.
46:11
Speaker 1: I know that I would absolutely thrive more than ever
46:14
Speaker 1: in the business. I just have a problem with over stimulation.
46:17
Speaker 1: Another problem I have with this career pursuit is the
46:19
Speaker 1: fact that I may have to relocate, which is expensive.
46:23
Speaker 1: What is your advice for getting started and handling all
46:26
Speaker 1: of the attention and pressure that comes with the fame?
46:29
Speaker 1: Cheers Jessica. Well, first of all, if you really feel
46:33
Speaker 1: passionately about something, you need to go after it, you know,
46:35
Speaker 1: so you just it's like a bowling ball. You just
46:38
Speaker 1: got to throw it down the lane and then everything
46:40
Speaker 1: gets out of the way that's supposed to So you
46:43
Speaker 1: have to be so intentional about doing it because it's
46:46
Speaker 1: something that doesn't always turn out exactly the way that
46:48
Speaker 1: you want, but absolutely can turn out the way that
46:51
Speaker 1: you want, and it's your attitude that is going to
46:53
Speaker 1: get you there. So the attention that comes from it,
46:56
Speaker 1: that's kind of part of the equation. So handling it
47:00
Speaker 1: should be something that you're very comfortable with moving into that.
47:03
Speaker 1: You know you are going to get attention negative and positive.
47:06
Speaker 1: That's guaranteed, and you have to be okay with that,
47:09
Speaker 1: and you have to be solid enough inside that that's
47:12
Speaker 1: not going to fluster you and it's not going to
47:14
Speaker 1: make you feel badly about yourself. You have to have
47:16
Speaker 1: a real strong sense of self moving into that, and
47:19
Speaker 1: that you should get started sooner than later, because your
47:22
Speaker 1: belief in yourself is great, and that's what you need
47:24
Speaker 1: to succeed. Is you need to believe in yourself because
47:26
Speaker 1: there's nobody's gonna believe in you unless you do anyway.
47:29
Speaker 1: But there are a lot of people trying to do
47:31
Speaker 1: the same thing. So that belief in yourself maybe the
47:34
Speaker 1: very thing that sets you apart from other people and
47:36
Speaker 1: that does cause you success. But you just have to
47:39
Speaker 1: move in that direction quickly and start it because it's
47:42
Speaker 1: a process and it can be arduous. Doesn't necessarily happen
47:46
Speaker 1: in a couple of years or five years. It could
47:48
Speaker 1: take ten years. Yeah, I will say if you're afraid
47:50
Speaker 1: of the overwhelming attention, if that's the part of stand
47:53
Speaker 1: up comedy that you're afraid of, that probably won't be
47:56
Speaker 1: a concern for five years. You're gonna have a lot
47:58
Speaker 1: of people. Maybe a lack of atten might be a
48:01
Speaker 1: bigger concern, right exactly. But yeah, yeah, I think it's
48:06
Speaker 1: funny because she in her email there's only one option
48:09
Speaker 1: and it is like maximum fame and fortune, which like
48:12
Speaker 1: I kind of love for her also like it's funny,
48:15
Speaker 1: but it's also like I love it for her because
48:17
Speaker 1: I do think you have to be like, well, obviously
48:19
Speaker 1: this is the outcome, Chelsea. We've talked about this with
48:21
Speaker 1: you before. We were like I just was going to
48:23
Speaker 1: have to be rich because I like to go to
48:25
Speaker 1: find things in life. So you know, I think that's great. Yeah, exactly.
48:31
Speaker 1: It's funny that you say stimulate, like the stimulation. It's
48:34
Speaker 1: like the stimulation is part of the job. You want
48:37
Speaker 1: to be stimulated, and you want to be stimulating to
48:39
Speaker 1: other people. That's part of being a performer, you know,
48:42
Speaker 1: engaging and stimulation, So you gotta get on board with it, Like,
48:47
Speaker 1: if I do this, I'm going to be famous. So like,
48:50
Speaker 1: what are the what are the real consequences here, Jessica,
48:54
Speaker 1: let us know how it goes, and good luck, good
48:56
Speaker 1: luck and godspeed. Yes, well, we'll take a quick break
49:00
Speaker 1: and be right back with Bridger and Chelsea. And we're
49:08
Speaker 1: back with Bridger Wineger. So this is the part of
49:12
Speaker 1: the show where we usually have our guest ask for
49:15
Speaker 1: a piece of advice from Chelsea. Chelsea, I would love
49:19
Speaker 1: to be better at making decisions. I feel like you're
49:21
Speaker 1: a probably pretty decisive person, and I am truly awful
49:26
Speaker 1: at even the smartly, Like deciding on what I'm going
49:29
Speaker 1: to have for dinner can take hours? How do you
49:32
Speaker 1: get to a decision quickly? Honestly, I just don't think
49:35
Speaker 1: there are a lot of bad decisions. I think that
49:37
Speaker 1: you when you make it, especially when you're talking about
49:39
Speaker 1: what you're going to have for dinner, Like I think
49:40
Speaker 1: that you just have to you when you make a decision,
49:43
Speaker 1: you just have to forget about the other decisions and
49:46
Speaker 1: stick with that, you know what I mean. It's again
49:48
Speaker 1: like referencing the bowling ball. Whenever I've had trouble, I've
49:52
Speaker 1: been indecisive, which isn't an ongoing theme with me. I'm
49:55
Speaker 1: very decisive. I can always say yes, no, I want
49:57
Speaker 1: to do that, I don't want to do that. But
49:59
Speaker 1: if I am having trouble bill with something, I usually
50:01
Speaker 1: just say, okay, you just have to pick one and
50:04
Speaker 1: then stick with that and then go in that direction.
50:06
Speaker 1: Like if you're choosing, okay, am I gonna have sea
50:09
Speaker 1: bass tonight or chicken whatever, just pick what that's the
50:12
Speaker 1: least of your worries. Have one, and then enjoy it
50:15
Speaker 1: and forget about the rest. When you're talking about bigger
50:17
Speaker 1: decisions that are a little bit more nuanced, I think
50:20
Speaker 1: it's very beneficial if you are indecisive to practice just
50:24
Speaker 1: sitting with yourself quietly for a moment and just closing
50:29
Speaker 1: your eyes and thinking about your options, because more often
50:32
Speaker 1: than not, your instinct will rise up and inform you
50:36
Speaker 1: what you're supposed to be doing. Once you've made the decision,
50:39
Speaker 1: being the confidence to go forward with it, that's my concern.
50:43
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm all I continue to second guess
50:45
Speaker 1: until even after the result. I don't know how to
50:47
Speaker 1: get rid of that. Well, I mean that's self talk,
50:50
Speaker 1: you know, that's self. That's your dialogue, that's in your head,
50:53
Speaker 1: and that's your ego saying did you make the right decision?
50:55
Speaker 1: Did you make the So you have to give yourself
50:57
Speaker 1: a little bit more self love and be like, these
51:00
Speaker 1: are the decisions I'm making. Like you know, it's a practice.
51:03
Speaker 1: It doesn't happen overnight. But you have to have confidence
51:06
Speaker 1: in your decision making ability. Look where you're sitting right now,
51:09
Speaker 1: Look at your life, Look at the decisions that you've
51:12
Speaker 1: made that lead to where you are. You're obviously capable
51:15
Speaker 1: at making good ones. So have a little bit more
51:18
Speaker 1: trust in yourself. That's lovely. Problem solved again. Well, I'm
51:26
Speaker 1: glad I came. I'm me too, Me too. This was fun, Bridger.
51:30
Speaker 1: I had such a good time with you. Oh, I
51:31
Speaker 1: had a wonderful time. I'm so glad you had me.
51:34
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you. Well, take it easy, Bridger, Catherine,
51:38
Speaker 1: I will see you next week. Bridger, I'll see you
51:40
Speaker 1: at whatever house party we run into each other at.
51:43
Speaker 1: Don't bring a gift, I won't. Don't worry. So if
51:48
Speaker 1: you'd like to ask Chelsea a question, email us at
51:51
Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com.