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57 - Why Good Men Become Resentful in Relationships · Masculine Containment

• 0:00
  Brother, have you ever caught yourself thinking something like, after everything I do for her, how can she still be unhappy?
• 0:07
  Or what more does she want from me?
• 0:09
  This episode, I want to talk about how good men can become resentful in relationships and how much resentment costs us and how to overcome this, how to change this, how to shift this for the better.
• 0:21
  but not in a temporary way, not in a just for this week way, but in a way where you really start making changes in your relationship and moving in a more positive direction.
• 0:32
  Because I know how it feels.
• 0:33
  You work, you provide, you solve problems, you take care of things, you make things happen in your family, you try to make her life easier, you're dependable, you try to show up in the right ways, but maybe in your relationship you're saying yes when you don't really want to.
• 0:48
  Maybe you don't tell her what you need because you just don't want another argument, another challenge, another issue.
• 0:54
  You don't want to disrupt the peace that you have in the moment.
• 0:58
  Maybe you swallow your frustration because you think that makes you a good husband.
• 1:02
  And then something starts happening.
• 1:04
  It's happened, I think, to all of us in some way or another.
• 1:08
  So you are not alone if you feel this way.
• 1:11
  You start getting irritated.
• 1:13
  Another request from her feels like just too much.
• 1:16
  Her criticism hits way harder, and it's hard to overcome.
• 1:20
  You might even start keeping score, like this is what I'm doing, this is what she's doing.
• 1:24
  Even sex and intimacy become loaded, and you feel less appreciated.
• 1:29
  You don't feel like she sees you.
• 1:32
  You don't feel like she understands what you're doing.
• 1:34
  And eventually, you find yourself thinking,
• 1:37
  I do everything for this family or everything for her, and there's just no appreciation.
• 1:42
  There's no reward in it.
• 1:43
  Here's a question I want to explore today for a long-term solution to these challenges.
• 1:50
  What if resentment isn't about how much you're giving?
• 1:54
  What if it's about the way that you're giving?
• 1:58
  See, there's a trap in relationships for a lot of us who are good men, who are trying, who want to do well, who want to have a good marriage, who want to have a good relationship, want to be good fathers, good providers, all of those things.
• 2:10
  A lot of us were taught that being a good man means provide, protect, make sacrifices, be useful, be strong, don't complain, don't need too much, handle things yourself, keep everyone else happy.
• 2:22
  There's something honorable inside a lot of that.
• 2:25
  Providing is good.
• 2:26
  Sacrifice can be a deeply loving act.
• 2:29
  Taking responsibility actually matters, but those things can become distorted if you start believing that.
• 2:37
  Loving and caring and taking care means having no needs yourself or overlooking your own needs.
• 2:45
  Or if you start believing that being a good husband always means saying yes, or leadership means carrying everything silently and not communicating how you're feeling.
• 2:54
  And over time, here's the big issue.
• 2:57
  You can become almost invisible inside your own life, trying to do everything for everybody else.
• 3:03
  You can be incredibly generous and giving, but generosity and giving can also become a way of abandoning yourself.
• 3:11
  And I've done this personally.
• 3:12
  Like this isn't just me talking about it.
• 3:15
  I've felt this.
• 3:16
  This is the distinction.
• 3:17
  The problem isn't generosity.
• 3:19
  The problem is when your generosity consistently requires you to ignore your own truth, to ignore how you're feeling, to ignore what's going on for you, to stuff it down, to repress, to suppress what's happening and just keep doing it.
• 3:33
  That's where so much of these challenging feelings of resentment come from.
• 3:36
  See, there's this difference between healthy giving versus overgiving versus giving in a way that causes you pain versus stuffing down your feelings versus like not really being true to who you are and what's going on for you.
• 3:52
  Healthy giving sounds like, I want to do this.
• 3:55
  I choose to do this.
• 3:56
  This matters to me.
• 3:57
  This is something I'm willing to do.
• 3:58
  This is something I'm willing to give.
• 4:01
  And most importantly, in doing those things, I don't need you to react in a specific way for this to have been worth doing.
• 4:10
  Now, overgiving or giving in a way that starts challenging you is when you say, I don't really want to do this, but I'm afraid of what happens when I say no, or I really need her to be happy with me.
• 4:20
  So I'm going to do this, or I need her to think I'm a good husband.
• 4:23
  So this is the trade off or things like I'm hoping this earns appreciation or praise, or I'm hoping this earns affection or time.
• 4:32
  And I'm hoping this presents prevents an argument.
• 4:35
  And this is a big one.
• 4:38
  I'm hoping she's noticing everything I'm doing, and I'm hoping it leads to sex.
• 4:44
  That leads us into something that I think destroys connection in a lot of relationships and makes things so much worse.
• 4:52
  I just had a conversation with a friend of mine this week about this.
• 4:55
  It's covert contracts.
• 4:57
  Now, I don't want to get into therapy speak or make this too complicated or get clinical, but a covert contract, just to make it easy, is a contract or an agreement that you believe exists between you and another person, but it was never explicitly discussed or agreed to.
• 5:12
  It's basically, I'm doing this for you, so you should do this for me, except you never say the second half.
• 5:19
  And it's never actually agreed to out loud.
• 5:21
  And so for us as men, it's things like, I work so hard, so you should appreciate me.
• 5:26
  I give you space, so you should give me affection.
• 5:28
  I'm a good husband, so you should want to have sex with me.
• 5:31
  I handle everything, so you should know when I need help.
• 5:35
  I spend time with you, so our relationship should improve.
• 5:39
  There may be absolutely nothing wrong with what you want.
• 5:43
  Wanting appreciation isn't wrong.
• 5:45
  Wanting respect isn't wrong.
• 5:46
  Wanting affection isn't wrong.
• 5:48
  Even wanting sex isn't wrong.
• 5:49
  If anybody's ever told you that, they're probably wrong.
• 5:53
  The problem is when the agreement, the exchange, the contract exists only inside you and you haven't communicated it.
• 6:02
  A covert contract is when you make an agreement between two people, but only one of them knows that it's happening.
• 6:08
  And I want you to remember this.
• 6:09
  This is something that I coached in entrepreneurship for two decades.
• 6:13
  I worked with a lot of CEOs and they would often have expectations of the people that worked with them.
• 6:18
  They would often have covert contracts that they never had explicitly stated.
• 6:22
  And then when something was missed, they would explode or get angry or withdraw or freak out on the person, even in a work environment.
• 6:29
  And I would share with them that unspoken expectations often become predetermined resentments.
• 6:37
  Here's what I just want to say that one more time.
• 6:39
  Unspoken expectations often become predetermined resentments.
• 6:43
  When we have an expectation that we are doing something or someone else is going to do something or we have an exchange, but we don't speak it out loud and we don't have the conversation, we don't talk about what's going on for us, that often becomes a predetermined resentment.
• 6:57
  It means in having an unspoken expectation, we are going to resent that person or get resentful in the future because especially in a relationship,
• 7:07
  When we have an unspoken expectation and she doesn't fulfill her side of agreement, often that she didn't even know existed, you start experiencing disappointment, then rejection, then you see behaviors that disrespect, then maybe you feel angry, then resentment, and this becomes a big loop.
• 7:37
  This isn't one of the more emotionally charged ones, but I think it kind of illustrates what's going on or what happens to us and why we experience resentment.
• 7:46
  So a few months ago, I went on a walk with a friend of mine.
• 7:49
  We went on a hike in the morning, and he was experiencing some challenges in his relationship, and I listened and I heard,
• 7:55
  And what I heard was problems with some expectations and they weren't communicating clearly.
• 8:01
  And what would happen is they would have like unclear communication and then it would snowball and then they would have days and weeks where they weren't communicating or not doing well or feeling challenged and there was a lot of energy on both sides.
• 8:13
  And so I was like, you know, can I make a suggestion?
• 8:15
  And he said, yes.
• 8:16
  I said, okay, well, here's what I think you should do.
• 8:18
  This is what Katie and I do.
• 8:20
  I think you should take intentional time every day for the two of you to sit down and talk about the relationship and how it's going.
• 8:26
  And you should listen more than you talk during that time.
• 8:30
  And...
• 8:32
  not to fix her, not to try and solve anything, just to understand what's happening for her, ask her questions, connect with her, give the relationship some attention.
• 8:40
  You know, this is what Katie and I do in our daily ceremony every single day.
• 8:44
  And he said, I already do that.
• 8:47
  And honestly, I was kind of surprised.
• 8:49
  I'm like, wow, he's already doing this and they're still having all those issues.
• 8:52
  That's interesting.
• 8:53
  And I said, are you sure you're doing that?
• 8:55
  You're like creating intentional time.
• 8:57
  She knows it's intentional time.
• 8:58
  It's just the two of you.
• 8:59
  There's no distractions.
• 9:01
  You're taking time to talk about the relationship.
• 9:03
  And he said, absolutely.
• 9:04
  You know, we have this time in the morning.
• 9:05
  We're going to be doing this.
• 9:07
  where we both get up, we sit in the kitchen, and I think he might have said they also might sit in the back porch, they have coffee together, they talk about the day, they spend time together, it's intentional, and then he said, you know, we're doing this, and it's not changing anything.
• 9:20
  And I remember thinking, man, that's like really interesting that you're doing this, and in the moment I was like, yeah, kind of like at a loss.
• 9:32
  Cause that's my go-to if communication isn't working well, make intentional time to have a go-to.
• 9:37
  And so I think I said something like, well, man, maybe you can be more intentional about that time or talk to her about that time and, you know, really make sure that she understands what that time is for.
• 9:47
  And so I can't remember how long later, maybe four weeks, maybe six weeks later, um, we went for another hike and I asked, Hey man, how things are going, how are things going with your wife?
• 9:58
  And he said, you know, it's really interesting.
• 10:01
  I'm like, yeah, tell me.
• 10:02
  He said, well, after the last time we hiked, when you had said I should be more intentional with the time in the morning, I actually went back home and I started explaining to her, hey, you know, that intentional time that we take in the morning when we're both having our coffee and we talk about our relationship,
• 10:19
  And his wife was surprised.
• 10:21
  She was like, and he told me this.
• 10:22
  He said, you know, she was like, that's intentional time.
• 10:25
  We're doing that on purpose.
• 10:26
  I didn't know that was intentional time.
• 10:28
  I didn't realize that was my time to talk about the relationship.
• 10:31
  I thought we were just having coffee in the same place.
• 10:33
  And it was like you taking a break before you went to work.
• 10:37
  And so she was surprised.
• 10:38
  She had no idea that this was intentional time he was taking, but he had actually been doing it for weeks.
• 10:46
  And when he told me about it, he was like, yeah, I've been doing it for a long time.
• 10:49
  And so here he is doing what he thinks is having created this intentional space for the two of them to talk about their relationship.
• 10:57
  And on his wife's side, she's thinking we're having coffee.
• 11:00
  And every once in a while, he asked me a question.
• 11:02
  So he knew the intention.
• 11:04
  She didn't.
• 11:05
  And he was evaluating whether this strategy was working.
• 11:09
  And she didn't even know there was a strategy.
• 11:11
  She didn't even know they were doing something together.
• 11:13
  Yeah.
• 11:14
  And here's what I've seen over and over again.
• 11:16
  By the way, not in other relationships, but in mine too.
• 11:19
  I mean, definitely in other relationships and in mine too.
• 11:23
  Is that this happens constantly.
• 11:25
  There's this missed expectation or lack of communication of expectations.
• 11:30
  You know, you love her.
• 11:32
  You're trying.
• 11:33
  You believe you're investing in the relationship.
• 11:35
  But if the intention only exists in your head,
• 11:39
  She might experience it the way that she thinks she should, the way you think she should.
• 11:45
  We can resent someone for failing a test they didn't know they were taking, breaking an agreement they never made, or not appreciating an intention that we never communicated.
• 11:57
  And so for that specific friend, once he had the conversation with his wife and she's like, oh, this is intentional time, it became much more intentional.
• 12:05
  And his wife brought stuff to him in that morning time.
• 12:08
  And they would often talk about what was going on and how she was feeling.
• 12:11
  And like I told him originally, like, hey, listen more than you talk and really ask her a lot of questions.
• 12:16
  And it started creating a totally different relationship.
• 12:19
  energetic in their relationship.
• 12:21
  Here's what's interesting.
• 12:22
  Same time, same place, same basic behaviors, but a spoken intention versus an unspoken intention completely and totally changed the time and his wife's impression of what was going on.
• 12:35
  And because she was leaning in on her side, it started actually shifting things in their relationship.
• 12:42
  Now, here's where a lot of men get stuck.
• 12:44
  We get into this she should just know trap.
• 12:48
  And I want to explain why.
• 12:49
  See, we want affection and recognition and respect and encouragement, help, space, time together, time alone.
• 12:56
  We don't want sex.
• 12:57
  But asking for sex, asking for time, asking for space, asking for affection, asking for communication, asking for intentional, deliberate time for the relationship can feel vulnerable.
• 13:11
  Because if you ask, she can say no, she can disagree, she can misunderstand you, you can feel rejection.
• 13:16
  Rejection.
• 13:17
  So instead of asking clearly, we try to earn it through our behavior without communicating, like my friend was doing.
• 13:25
  He's there every morning, he's talking, he's asking questions, but he's not communicating what his intention is and why he's really there.
• 13:32
  And so we do more, we give more, we wait, we hope she notices.
• 13:36
  And then we resent her when she doesn't.
• 13:38
  We resent her for failing a test she didn't know she was taking.
• 13:43
  And this can happen over and over and over again.
• 13:46
  And there's a reason for this.
• 13:47
  I'm going to share it in a minute.
• 13:48
  There's a reason why so many of us are conditioned and programmed this way and why we default to this, why I defaulted to this.
• 13:55
  Because giving can feel so much safer than asking.
• 14:01
  Let this land in your body like it was hard for me to hear.
• 14:05
  Giving keeps you in control.
• 14:08
  Asking, making a request introduces uncertainty and risk.
• 14:14
  It's easier for some of us to work 70 hours a week than to say, I need you.
• 14:19
  It can be easier to solve 20 problems in a day than to say, I want more affection.
• 14:25
  It can be easier to buy something and hand it to her than to say, I miss feeling close to you and I want more time with you.
• 14:32
  And it can be easier to silently sacrifice over and over again than saying, hey, I don't want to do this anymore.
• 14:39
  Something doesn't feel right for me and I need to talk to you about it.
• 14:42
  It can be easier to become resentful than hearing no.
• 14:44
  And.
• 14:48
  For us as men, sometimes it feels safer to overgive than to tell the truth about what we want.
• 14:54
  And here's why.
• 14:55
  I said I would share why I think this happens.
• 14:59
  I think this pattern begins for us, began for me a long time before we even get into our current relationship and way earlier in our lives.
• 15:09
  I know that for me, being useful got me approval as a kid.
• 15:12
  Being low maintenance kept the peace.
• 15:13
  I had two parents that were overwhelmed a lot of the time and I ended up having three sisters in a small house, not a lot of money, a lot of work, a lot of financial challenges, a lot of relationship challenges.
• 15:23
  And now when I look back, I can see my parents were having experiences.
• 15:26
  My mother was overwhelmed, so I learned to ask for less and to have fewer needs and to kind of take care of myself.
• 15:31
  My father was volatile, so I learned to stay the heck out of his way.
• 15:35
  And the only time I got attention was performance, good grades, doing things, getting things done.
• 15:40
  And sometimes I didn't even get that.
• 15:42
  And sometimes achievement got praise.
• 15:45
  Yeah.
• 15:46
  And sometimes I didn't even get that.
• 15:48
  And helping was one of the things where it made me valuable.
• 15:54
  And having needs when I was a kid often created discomfort.
• 15:59
  I remember more than once as a kid asking for something that I wanted or I felt like I needed and having far too long a conversation about money and resources and what was going on for my family and everything else.
• 16:11
  And so I had a request and it got buried in all of this energy around the family and money and everything else.
• 16:18
  And so I learned how to make a lot less requests.
• 16:21
  Like take a breath.
• 16:22
  Okay.
• 16:24
  Can you remember anything happening to you like that?
• 16:28
  Was your mom overwhelmed?
• 16:29
  Was your dad volatile?
• 16:30
  Was your mom volatile?
• 16:31
  Was your dad overwhelmed?
• 16:32
  Did you maybe only have one parent so making any request was already overwhelming?
• 16:38
  Because if that's true, your needs probably created discomfort so you learned how to suppress them and how to live with them and how to repress them and how to
• 16:50
  Well, you probably learned that communicating them was going to create noise and challenges and frustration.
• 16:55
  And so you didn't.
• 16:56
  So you learned to be useful, to be good, to perform, not to burden anybody around you.
• 17:01
  Don't ask for too much.
• 17:03
  And then you grew up and you learned that being needed can start to feel like being loved.
• 17:09
  A boy who learned that love comes from being useful can become a man who will completely exhaust himself trying to earn love that's already there.
• 17:19
  Like my friend, his wife loves him and he's sitting there every morning trying to earn her love and earn her respect and make the relationship better without even communicating it and without communicating his needs in that moment of like, hey, I really want to connect with you and I want to make things better.
• 17:34
  And this is what creates this cycle of resentment.
• 17:38
  It's not just a resentment that's created in the moment.
• 17:40
  It's a cycle of resentment that happens over and over again.
• 17:44
  Like you have a need.
• 17:46
  You don't ask for it.
• 17:47
  You don't make it clear.
• 17:48
  You over give.
• 17:48
  You expect.
• 17:49
  You don't receive.
• 17:50
  Then you resent.
• 17:52
  And the more we resent, the more we get into a reaction.
• 17:55
  We blow up.
• 17:55
  We withdraw.
• 17:56
  We get frustrated.
• 17:57
  Maybe you get cold.
• 17:58
  Maybe you get explode.
• 18:00
  You do one of those things that creates a rupture and then creates a withdrawal period.
• 18:04
  And then you have to come back and repair.
• 18:05
  And in that repair period, you feel guilty.
• 18:08
  You feel bad about it.
• 18:09
  It's like, man, I can't believe I did this again.
• 18:11
  I don't want these challenges in my relationship.
• 18:13
  I don't want us withdrawn.
• 18:14
  I want us connected.
• 18:15
  And so you try even harder to be the good husband.
• 18:18
  So you give more.
• 18:19
  You suppress more.
• 18:20
  The cycle starts again, and it only continues getting worse.
• 18:24
  And oftentimes we express our needs when we're in the middle of that rupture.
• 18:31
  We express what we really want when there's already been an escalation.
• 18:35
  We express what we are expecting and what we would rather have in the relationship in a place where it's volatile and it's usually unheard, unseen, might look like control, might look like a reaction, might look unreasonable and feels like resentment on the other side.
• 18:55
  Now there's an important distinction here.
• 18:57
  Not every resentment means stop doing the thing that you're doing.
• 19:02
  You know, somebody listening might say, hey, my wife wants me to take out the trash.
• 19:05
  Man, I don't wanna take out the trash, it irritates me.
• 19:08
  Somebody has to take out the trash.
• 19:09
  Am I abandoning myself when I take out the trash?
• 19:12
  No, not necessarily.
• 19:14
  For far too long, my wife and I fought about the trash.
• 19:20
  But we shouldn't have, because this is really important.
• 19:24
  Not every feeling of resistance means you need a boundary.
• 19:28
  And doing something you don't feel like doing is not automatically self-abandonment.
• 19:31
  You're an adult.
• 19:33
  And I'm laughing because it took me too long to recognize this.
• 19:36
  Relationships require responsibility.
• 19:38
  I take out the trash now.
• 19:39
  My wife never has to say a word.
• 19:41
  I have alarms on my phone so that I get it out to the sidewalk and it's never even an issue and I don't even think about it anymore.
• 19:47
  It's just an automatic part of my week because...
• 19:51
  Families require responsibility.
• 19:53
  Homes require responsibility.
• 19:54
  Man, and when I used to miss the trash and that would sit in the garage for like an extra week, it sucked.
• 20:00
  And so life requires us to do things that we don't spontaneously feel like doing.
• 20:05
  And because the trash is my responsibility, I'm not going to do that.
• 20:11
  I take it out.
• 20:12
  And if my wife says, hey, did you remember to take the trash out?
• 20:16
  You know, I might think, of course I did.
• 20:19
  I do it every week.
• 20:20
  Or if I forget and she says, hey, did you take the trash out?
• 20:24
  I might think, shit, she caught me and I didn't, I don't feel like getting up right now.
• 20:27
  I don't want to do it.
• 20:29
  But that's okay.
• 20:30
  It's a feeling.
• 20:31
  You can feel it and then you take the trash out.
• 20:34
  Containment and being in the moment and being present doesn't mean doing whatever your feelings tell you to do.
• 20:40
  What it means is being able to slow down and feel your feelings without automatically becoming controlled by them.
• 20:48
  You can think, I don't feel like doing this.
• 20:50
  I'm irritated.
• 20:50
  I've had a lot of stuff going on today.
• 20:52
  But crap, I'm going to get up and take the trash out.
• 20:55
  That's integrity.
• 20:56
  That's like being in integrity.
• 20:58
  That's being in your capacity as a man.
• 21:01
  That's not self-abandonment.
• 21:03
  So resentment is information.
• 21:06
  It's not instruction.
• 21:07
  It's not telling you, hey, you need to stop doing this thing.
• 21:10
  This is important.
• 21:12
  Resentment is information.
• 21:14
  Here's what I mean by that.
• 21:15
  Feeling resentment doesn't automatically mean stop or say no or set a boundary or leave or demand change.
• 21:22
  And it certainly doesn't mean defend, explain, explode, withdraw, any of those things.
• 21:29
  What it means is slow down and pay attention.
• 21:32
  Ask yourself, ask your body.
• 21:34
  There is massive wisdom in your body.
• 21:37
  Is this simply a responsibility I don't feel like doing right now?
• 21:40
  Like so many times, kids would say, take out the trash and I'm like, I wanna do anything but do that right now.
• 21:44
  But eventually I learned like, hey, being in integrity means getting up and doing it.
• 21:48
  Or is there an actual imbalance?
• 21:51
  Ask yourself, did I agree to this?
• 21:52
  Have the circumstances changed?
• 21:54
  Am I following through and blaming her because she keeps reminding me?
• 21:57
  Or is there really something that doesn't feel right here?
• 22:01
  Am I expecting appreciation in return without communicating that?
• 22:04
  Am I afraid to make a clean request?
• 22:07
  Am I actually abandoning myself?
• 22:09
  So resentment isn't automatically...
• 22:14
  Instruction.
• 22:14
  It's not what you should do next.
• 22:16
  It's not telling you what you should do next.
• 22:17
  It's data.
• 22:18
  The feeling is data.
• 22:20
  The containment, your containment, breathing, staying in the moment, pausing, slow is fast and fast is slow, getting in your body and it will allow you to figure out what does that data really mean before you act on it.
• 22:35
  In so many cases, it's going to be like, oh, yeah, I don't want to do this right now, but I'm going to go do it anyway.
• 22:39
  That's what I would tell my kids.
• 22:40
  Like, hey, you don't want to do this right now, but you're going to do it anyway because it's your responsibility.
• 22:45
  So there was a really interesting illustration of this in the men's group I run called The Brotherhood.
• 22:54
  We had a brother who actually brought this up on one of our calls.
• 22:58
  So he had a girlfriend who he was living with.
• 23:00
  And before she moved in to his house, he took care of everything.
• 23:07
  He was living on his own, so he had to do it all.
• 23:08
  He cleaned his house.
• 23:09
  He did his laundry, cooked his food.
• 23:10
  He took care of the household.
• 23:12
  He did everything.
• 23:13
  And so when she moved in, he just continued doing what he was already doing, right?
• 23:19
  Except now he wasn't doing it just for one person.
• 23:21
  He was actually working out of the house and taking care of the house, taking care of the food, taking care of the laundry for two people, for him and for her.
• 23:28
  And she just let him keep doing it.
• 23:30
  And so he was cleaning up after both of them.
• 23:31
  He was washing clothes for both of them, cooking for both of them.
• 23:35
  And from his perspective, she wasn't contributing very much.
• 23:38
  And the way he shared it, he was like, you know, at first it was fine.
• 23:40
  I was used to it.
• 23:41
  It was no big deal.
• 23:42
  Yeah.
• 23:43
  Then I felt a little less fine.
• 23:45
  Now I'm feeling frustrated.
• 23:46
  Now I'm feeling really resentful.
• 23:48
  And by the time he brought it to us, when we were talking about it in the Brotherhood, I could feel he was close to that rupture, to the escalation and rupture phase.
• 23:57
  He was getting triggered, and he was escalating, and there was going to be an issue.
• 24:03
  And...
• 24:05
  I remember thinking I'm so glad he brought this here because here was the important part.
• 24:11
  He never communicated that he was uncomfortable with what was going on.
• 24:14
  He had never said, hey, I was fine doing all this when I lived alone, but now that we live together, how about we team up on this and do this together and we partner on it and we do things, you know, both of us instead of just me.
• 24:27
  And I've seen cases like this where a guy finally sits down with the girlfriend or wife or whatever it is around this thing that they're doing, and the other person says, oh, you know what, I was staying out of your way because you're so particular.
• 24:40
  Or I was letting you do it because you're so good at it, and I didn't want to throw off your routine.
• 24:46
  Or there was this one time where I tried to help you and you said no that I had done it wrong so I really didn't want to get in the way or I didn't want to do it wrong and I didn't want to frustrate you.
• 24:55
  And so often, like when we slow down as men, it's like, huh, that could be true too.
• 25:00
  And so we're building resentment and frustration and oftentimes thinking, you know, this other person isn't helping, they're taking advantage of me, I'm doing everything, they see me doing everything, they recognize me doing everything.
• 25:14
  They they're just, you know, they're in the wrong.
• 25:17
  And then when we finally talk to them, there's a completely and totally understandable reason on the other side why nothing has changed.
• 25:22
  And it's so often because we didn't say, hey, I need more partnership around the house.
• 25:30
  So he never asked her to take responsibility.
• 25:33
  He never said, I need more partnership around the house.
• 25:35
  So there was two truths happening at the same time, hers and his.
• 25:39
  But they didn't understand that those truths were different because they had never been spoken out loud.
• 25:43
  It was a covert contract.
• 25:45
  It was in silence.
• 25:46
  It was repressed on one side, suppressed on one side, and then never shared on the other.
• 25:50
  And that doesn't make either person wrong.
• 25:52
  It just presents a massive opportunity for the relationship.
• 25:57
  And oftentimes once we communicate the imbalance, it changes things because you can have a completely legitimate reason to be frustrated and still responsible for communicating before your frustration becomes an explosion.
• 26:12
  That's important.
• 26:14
  And.
• 26:15
  This is a big one.
• 26:17
  A boundary that you've never communicated is a boundary that the other person does not have the opportunity to live up to, to honor, to show you that they care.
• 26:29
  Covert contracts are brutal and they create resentment everywhere.
• 26:36
  Uncommunicated expectations create predetermined resentment.
• 26:40
  It's like a mantra for me in running a company, running a family, working with my wife, living with my wife, living with my kids.
• 26:47
  So think about how that contract can quietly develop in this case.
• 26:52
  If you move into my house and see me doing all this, you should naturally start helping.
• 26:56
  Most people listening think, of course she should.
• 26:59
  Maybe she should.
• 27:00
  But if he never communicates it, she doesn't know what's happening inside of him.
• 27:03
  Every load of laundry becomes another part of an invisible scorecard.
• 27:07
  Every meal becomes another notch on the board.
• 27:10
  Every mess, every chore, every single thing he starts doing, he starts thinking over and over again, she doesn't appreciate me.
• 27:16
  She doesn't contribute.
• 27:17
  She's taking advantage of me.
• 27:19
  She expects me to do everything, but she has no idea what's going on on the other side.
• 27:27
  Unspoken expectations often become predetermined resentments.
• 27:32
  I'm going to say it again because I stuttered like crazy.
• 27:35
  Unspoken expectations often become predetermined resentments.
• 27:39
  It's so important because here's one of the easiest ways for us to understand resentment.
• 27:46
  At the beginning, his behavior said yes.
• 27:49
  And his internal answer was like, I'll just keep doing everything I did.
• 27:52
  He genuinely didn't mind.
• 27:54
  But eventually, his internal answers started shifting.
• 27:57
  His body started saying, hey, I don't want to keep doing all of this.
• 28:01
  but his behavior kept saying yes, doing the laundry, cooking the food, cleaning the house, doing all the things.
• 28:06
  And when your internal answer becomes different than what you are communicating and your behavior keeps looking like a yes, resentment often fills that gap, but there's also a gap in communication where the other person doesn't have the opportunity to do anything.
• 28:21
  You're expecting them to read your mind and to see what's going on for you.
• 28:25
  And oftentimes they have childhood stuff.
• 28:27
  They have things on their side.
• 28:28
  They're staying out of your way.
• 28:29
  They're letting you be efficient.
• 28:31
  They're not trying to break your systems, your process.
• 28:34
  There's so many reasons why there's a miss, but the main reason is there's no communication.
• 28:40
  So it means something needs attention.
• 28:43
  Maybe a conversation, maybe a boundary, maybe a renegotiation, maybe agreeing on some things.
• 28:50
  Maybe coming up with like, hey, here's what you can do.
• 28:52
  Here's what I can do.
• 28:53
  And you'll feel so much better afterwards.
• 28:56
  Because there's a huge difference between responsibility and self-abandonment.
• 29:01
  And here's how you know the difference.
• 29:04
  You ask, is this something I simply don't feel like doing right now?
• 29:08
  Or is this a pattern, a situation I'm no longer willing to participate in?
• 29:14
  Those are completely different.
• 29:16
  I don't feel like it.
• 29:17
  There's a lot of stuff I do that I don't feel like.
• 29:19
  I mean, a lot.
• 29:21
  It's just part of being human.
• 29:23
  And it's something that I share with my daughters.
• 29:25
  Like, hey, guys, you're going to have to do stuff you don't really want to do.
• 29:27
  It's part of having a job.
• 29:28
  It's part of making money.
• 29:29
  It's part of survival.
• 29:31
  But is this a pattern where I feel like I'm repressing my feelings, I'm not communicating, my body's telling me I'm no longer willing to participate in this?
• 29:40
  Those are completely different.
• 29:43
  Taking out the trash when you don't want to, that might be a responsibility.
• 29:46
  Silently carrying an agreement or an arrangement for months that is making you increasingly angry, that is self-abandonment.
• 29:55
  And this is where masculine containment gives you clarity.
• 29:59
  There's four types of containment the way that I define them.
• 30:02
  There's self-containment, responsive containment, active containment, and sexual containment.
• 30:09
  Self-containment is when we understand what's going on for us in the conversation with ourselves.
• 30:15
  What's happening for you, for me.
• 30:18
  And self-containment is not self-abandonment and responsibility is not self-abandonment either.
• 30:24
  Sometimes integrity means, I said I would do this, so I'm going to do this.
• 30:30
  And sometimes integrity means, I need to tell you the truth.
• 30:34
  I'm not willing to keep doing this the way that we're doing it.
• 30:38
  Maybe it doesn't have to be said in those words and that strong, like in that situation where the guy had his girlfriend move in with him.
• 30:45
  You know, my suggestion to him was to sit down with her and say, hey, you know, I'm getting more busy at work and you've been living here for a while.
• 30:52
  How would you feel about splitting up some of the stuff that we do?
• 30:55
  And I'm pretty sure, not 100% sure.
• 30:57
  There's so many discussions we have in the brotherhood.
• 30:59
  But I'm pretty sure that that brother actually either came back and shared later in our platform or on a call that he had the conversation and she was more than willing to help.
• 31:07
  And things started going in a much better direction, which is so interesting because in his mind, he had this whole story concocted around how she was taking advantage of him and letting him do it all and just didn't care and didn't want to help.
• 31:20
  And as soon as he talked to her, she was like, sure, let's do that.
• 31:22
  That sounds great.
• 31:24
  You know,
• 31:25
  She might have felt like she was out of place in his space and just trying to leave him to do what he had always done.
• 31:33
  And so there's a big difference between boundaries and resentment.
• 31:37
  Resentment says, you keep making me do this.
• 31:41
  A boundary says...
• 31:42
  in the kindest way possible.
• 31:44
  I'm not willing to keep doing this.
• 31:46
  I want to change.
• 31:47
  Resentment says you need to change so that I can feel better.
• 31:51
  A boundary says I'm responsible for communicating and changing what I'm willing to participate in.
• 31:57
  And here's what's important, so important, a boundary
• 32:02
  You know, so often boundaries get misconstrued and misunderstood.
• 32:06
  And so often we think of boundaries as like, I'm in the middle of a fight and I say, I'm not going to do this anymore.
• 32:12
  I'm not going to let you speak to me this way.
• 32:14
  I'm not going to help.
• 32:15
  Those aren't boundaries.
• 32:15
  Those are reactions.
• 32:17
  And so often, we hear the word boundary, and a lot of people think of boundary as being negative because we think of it as like, we got boundaries when we were kids, and a boundary feels like a challenge, a boundary feels like a rule, a boundary feels like maybe it's controlling, but it's so important to understand a boundary where you communicate what you're willing to participate in and what you need and how you're feeling actually protects the relationship.
• 32:43
  It protects the relationship from this cascade, this cycle of resentment.
• 32:48
  So the way that you can do this, if you're in a situation where you feel like, hey, you know what?
• 32:54
  Listening to this, I'm realizing there's this dynamic I'm no longer willing to participate in.
• 32:59
  There's this thing going on that I don't want to have happening anymore.
• 33:03
  So have a clean conversation.
• 33:04
  Have a grounded, contained conversation.
• 33:06
  Have a conversation that can be heard.
• 33:09
  It's something like, hey, I love living together.
• 33:12
  I love taking care of our home.
• 33:14
  I realize I'm becoming a little bit resentful because I'm carrying most of the household responsibilities.
• 33:19
  I haven't communicated that clearly.
• 33:20
  That's on me.
• 33:22
  I want to talk to you about how we divide this stuff and maybe we can make it easier for me and you can start helping out around the house and I'm happy to show you how I've done things and I'm also happy for you to show me how we might be able to do things better.
• 33:35
  Notice what's not there.
• 33:37
  It's not, you're lazy, or you're letting me do everything, or you never do anything, or I've done everything for you, or you should have known, or after everything I've done for you.
• 33:46
  None of that.
• 33:48
  No emotional attack, no weaponization of the situation, no explosion, just truth.
• 33:54
  Now here's what's so important about this.
• 33:58
  A clean ask like that where you're saying what you really mean is more intimate than you making silent sacrifice over and over again.
• 34:08
  And so when it comes to resentment and masculine containment, containment does not mean don't be angry, don't feel resentment, stuff it down, suppress it, be nice.
• 34:15
  It means feel what's there.
• 34:17
  Stay with yourself.
• 34:19
  Don't immediately weaponize it or react to it.
• 34:21
  Instead of you never, you always, you're ungrateful, you take advantage, all of those things.
• 34:27
  Slow down.
• 34:28
  Slow is fast and fast is slow.
• 34:30
  Take a breath.
• 34:31
  Feel your body.
• 34:32
  Then ask, what's underneath this?
• 34:34
  This feeling that I'm having.
• 34:36
  What do I actually need?
• 34:38
  What would make it better?
• 34:39
  What am I expecting?
• 34:40
  What did I agree to?
• 34:42
  Is there a real agreement here?
• 34:44
  What has changed in how I'm feeling?
• 34:46
  What have I been afraid to say?
• 34:47
  What have I avoided?
• 34:50
  And what belongs to me and what belongs to her?
• 34:53
  Containment turns resentment from a weapon into information that you can actually use to move the relationship in a better place.
• 35:01
  And so when you feel resentment show up, stop blaming for a moment.
• 35:06
  Don't immediately decide there's, you know, she's selfish or ungrateful or controlling or impossible.
• 35:10
  Those are stories.
• 35:12
  Feel it.
• 35:12
  Where is it in your body?
• 35:14
  Is it in your jaw?
• 35:15
  For me, it's often in my chest, my gut, my low back.
• 35:18
  Are you feeling pressure?
• 35:19
  Are you feeling pain?
• 35:20
  Do you feel tension?
• 35:22
  And then ask, what is your body telling you?
• 35:24
  Is this resistance, exhaustion, a real imbalance, an unmet need, an avoided conversation?
• 35:31
  Once you have that data from your body, then find the covert contract.
• 35:34
  What do you believe she was supposed to do in return?
• 35:36
  Did she know?
• 35:37
  Did she agree?
• 35:38
  If not, check your integrity.
• 35:41
  I know it's hard to hear that.
• 35:44
  Like, the first time...
• 35:47
  I had someone ask me, where in your life are you out of integrity?
• 35:50
  I took it as an attack, but it's not.
• 35:51
  It's data.
• 35:53
  We all are.
• 35:54
  There's places where we're missing.
• 35:55
  There's places where we have an expectation we haven't communicated.
• 35:58
  There's places where we said we're going to do something that we're not doing.
• 36:01
  So check your integrity.
• 36:02
  Did you say yes to doing this?
• 36:04
  Did you commit?
• 36:05
  Are you following through?
• 36:06
  Are you angry at her for reminding you about something you agreed to?
• 36:10
  Find the boundary if you need one.
• 36:13
  What are you no longer willing to keep doing?
• 36:15
  What needs renegotiation?
• 36:17
  And then communicate clearly, calmly, in a way that's present.
• 36:22
  No weaponized invoice or scorecard.
• 36:26
  No punishment.
• 36:27
  Just tell the truth.
• 36:28
  And then let her respond.
• 36:30
  She may agree, she may disagree, she may be surprised.
• 36:33
  Like I said, I'm pretty sure in that situation I talked about, that woman was actually surprised and trying to stay out of his way.
• 36:39
  She may have an entirely different experience, which I see way more often than not.
• 36:43
  Like, hey, we're sitting down every day intentionally for coffee.
• 36:46
  Oh, I thought we were just two people in the kitchen at the same time.
• 36:49
  And you can hear it without immediately abandoning yourself and judging yourself.
• 36:53
  This is containment.
• 36:54
  And so the goal is not to become less generous or it's to become more honest.
• 37:00
  To give because you mean it.
• 37:02
  To say yes because you mean yes.
• 37:04
  To say no when you genuinely mean no.
• 37:06
  And ask for what you want.
• 37:08
  Let her answer.
• 37:09
  Stop keeping score.
• 37:10
  Stop making her responsible for reading your mind.
• 37:12
  Stop requiring her to prove that you have value, you have worth.
• 37:17
  Stay loving without disappearing.
• 37:19
  The goal is not to give less.
• 37:21
  The goal is to give without disappearing into the spiral of I'm giving so I have expectations that aren't met.
• 37:28
  So I'm giving more than I explode.
• 37:30
  Then I feel bad now.
• 37:31
  I'm giving even more and then I'm in this spiral in my relationship of resentment.
• 37:37
  The most trustworthy version of your yes is one backed by your ability to also say no.
• 37:45
  A contained man can love deeply, give generously, take responsibility, and still tell the truth.
• 37:53
  So if you feel like you're doing everything for your relationship and getting more resentful every day, don't immediately conclude you should stop giving and change all your behaviors.
• 38:00
  And don't immediately conclude that your wife has the entire problem.
• 38:03
  Your resentment is just giving you information.
• 38:06
  It's data.
• 38:07
  Maybe there's a real imbalance.
• 38:08
  Maybe there's a boundary.
• 38:09
  Maybe there's something that you haven't communicated for a long time that you've been thinking and feeling and she doesn't even know.
• 38:14
  Maybe you simply need to...
• 38:18
  And stop saying yes when you've really been feeling like it's no.
• 38:22
  And maybe you're expecting her to understand something you never communicated.
• 38:25
  So ask yourself, where am I not being honest about how I feel?
• 38:30
  Where am I saying yes where I mean no?
• 38:32
  Where am I expecting her to know something without asking, without making it clear, without actually stating what's going on for me?
• 38:39
  And what agreement have I created that she never agreed to?
• 38:43
  Because...
• 38:45
  An important question for us as men is my resentment telling me I need a boundary or is it simply telling me I don't feel like doing something I've chosen to be responsible for?
• 38:53
  Because if you need a boundary, then put one in place.
• 38:56
  And if you're, you're resenting having to do something that you've chosen to be responsible for, it's part of being human.
• 39:03
  But understanding the difference long-term is going to change your relationship and put you in a much more grounded, more present, better place.
• 39:11
  Remember, the goal is not to give less.
• 39:13
  The goal is to stop abandoning yourself while you are giving.
• 39:17
  And if I've said it several times, I used to have it written on my wall in my office when I ran a large team.
• 39:23
  Unspoken expectations often become predetermined resentments.
• 39:27
  Remember that.
• 39:28
  Speak your expectations clearly.
• 39:29
  Communicate what's going on for you, and you will stay out of resentment.
• 39:33
  So much more.
• 39:35
  A little bit's going to be there.
• 39:36
  It's just part of being human.
• 39:38
  We don't love every single thing we do every day.
• 39:40
  But living in a spiral of resentment becomes untenable, causes challenges,
• 39:46
  causes rupture in a relationship and makes everything so much harder.
• 39:51
  I hope this landed for you today.
• 39:53
  And if this is work you want to do and you want to lead in your relationship and be able to take any conflict, any challenge to a successful conclusion, masculine containment can get you there.
• 40:04
  This martial art like discipline has absolutely changed my life and has given me the confidence to know that my relationship is secure and safe.
• 40:12
  And I have always been madly in love with my wife, Katie.
• 40:17
  She is my everything.
• 40:18
  She's the most extraordinary thing that's ever happened to me.
• 40:22
  But today, having containment in my relationship and clear communication with her and clear boundaries and respect and honesty and vulnerability and knowing everything about each other, I'm more attracted to her than I've ever been.
• 40:34
  I'm more crazy about her than I've ever been.
• 40:37
  And our relationship's in the best place it's ever been.
• 40:41
  Feel me say this.
• 40:42
  Don't just hear it.
• 40:43
  Because I want you to get there too.
• 40:47
  Walking out in the world when you know you have a secure, attached, loving, passionate, extraordinarily intimate relationship is like walking out in the world with every part of capacity you've ever had and the full capacity you have as a man.
• 41:04
  This is a way to find yourself and to remember who you've always been so you can do anything in the world you've always wanted to do.
• 41:11
  If this sounds good to you and you'd like to do this work with other men, I'd love to walk this path with you.
• 41:16
  It'd be my honor.
• 41:18
  You can go to thebrotherhoodsociety.com and sign up for either one of our interviews for one of our upcoming containers or for our wait list.
• 41:25
  And we'll let you know when interviews open and I'd be honored to meet you in person.
• 41:29
  Go to thebrotherhoodsociety.com and take a second.
• 41:32
  If you can...
• 41:34
  subscribe to this and give me a like, give me a comment.
• 41:37
  I would really appreciate it.
• 41:38
  I'm trying to share this with as many men as I can because masculine containment has changed, not just my relationship with my wife, but with my children, with my life itself, and with me as a human so much for the better.
• 41:54
  I want every man to understand this, so help me spread the word.
• 41:57
  Thanks for being here today.
• 41:58
  I look forward to seeing you on the next episode.