Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Chat with Cheryl: Craving Connection, Battling Loneliness | Ep. 159

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Chat with Cheryl: Craving Connection, Battling Loneliness | Ep. 159 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Cheryl: It's hard to watch your child feel left out or struggle to connect, especially during those messy middle and teen years.
• 0:15
  Cheryl: And as parents, the urge to step in and fix it can be pretty compelling.
• 0:20
  Cheryl: Kyla's with me today, and we're diving into why friendships can feel so fragile at this stage and how we can walk beside our kids through the loneliness and the longing.
• 0:33
  Cheryl: I am Cheryl Lang and this is The Parenting Podcast.
• 0:37
  Cheryl: I'm so glad you're here.
• 0:46
  Cheryl: Kyla, I am thrilled to have you back here in the recording studio again.
• 0:51
  Kyla: It's so good to be back, Cheryl.
• 0:52
  Kyla: Thank you.
• 0:53
  Kyla: I think we could just talk about everything forever.
• 0:56
  Kyla: We definitely could.
• 0:57
  Kyla: So many things, topics, questions.
• 0:59
  Kyla: Okay,
• 1:00
  Cheryl: sir, what do you bring?
• 1:02
  Cheryl: What?
• 1:02
  Cheryl: What can we talk about today?
• 1:04
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 1:04
  Kyla: I was nervous last time about recording.
• 1:07
  Kyla: That's intimidating to me, but I heard a lot of feedback from friends.
• 1:11
  Kyla: Oh.
• 1:11
  Kyla: And just a lot of questions and I just was gonna throw some your way if you were okay with it.
• 1:16
  Kyla: This is
• 1:16
  Cheryl: great.
• 1:17
  Cheryl: I love that.
• 1:18
  Cheryl: Okay, so what are we gonna dive into?
• 1:21
  Kyla: I heard a similar theme from several different friends.
• 1:25
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 1:25
  Kyla: And people, you know, text or social media avenues.
• 1:29
  Kyla: And I have a lot of parents who are in the same situation that I am, so I relate to them and several of them focused on the theme about friendships and loneliness with their daughters.
• 1:41
  Kyla: Oh wow.
• 1:41
  Kyla: And that's a huge thing for that age in life.
• 1:45
  Kyla: Oh yes, definitely.
• 1:46
  Kyla: But it was tricky.
• 1:48
  Kyla: Because at the same time, these girls were feeling the most lonely and needing of friendships.
• 1:55
  Kyla: They were the most difficult, even in their relationships with their moms particularly pushing them away.
• 2:01
  Kyla: Um,
• 2:02
  Cheryl: I.
• 2:02
  Kyla: Angry
• 2:03
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:04
  Cheryl: So Kyla like, tell me sort of.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: Were the girls struggling and their parents watching them, or what was the issue?
• 2:11
  Kyla: Yeah, I think the moms were observing their daughters kind of with broken hearts that, you know, their day-to-day could look.
• 2:20
  Kyla: Fulfilling on the outside, you know, school and friends and activities and sports, but they saw underneath their daughters were hurting and their daughters were wanting a friend, even just one good friend.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 2:34
  Cheryl: You know, I think actually in the big picture you could have just said, this is what the moms are saying about themselves.
• 2:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:43
  Cheryl: You know, because what you just described, psychologists and people who study culture are saying, we have a loneliness epidemic right now, particularly in the United States.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: Yeah, we do.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: But let's focus on the kids, because I hear what you're saying and I, think.
• 3:03
  Cheryl: A lot of it probably is this transitional period.
• 3:06
  Cheryl: You talked about late childhood, and through preteen to teens, and I remember it myself.
• 3:13
  Cheryl: It, it's an awkward, difficult.
• 3:15
  Cheryl: Time period, and I think it plays out in friendships.
• 3:19
  Cheryl: Sure,
• 3:20
  Kyla: sure.
• 3:20
  Kyla: Um, you can look like you have everything figured out.
• 3:23
  Kyla: I mean, I remember when I was 13, I, you know, played sports and I had friend groups and I had an active life, but underneath I was insecure and lonely.
• 3:36
  Kyla: And I've said this forever, I'm like, you couldn't pay me, you know,$10,000 to go back to no way seventh grade.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: No way.
• 3:43
  Kyla: Never, never.
• 3:44
  Kyla: It was painful.
• 3:46
  Cheryl: So we are talking about an awkward age, if we think about little children, think about four to six.
• 3:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:53
  Cheryl: Um, there's sort of a naivete in innocence with them, that I think God equips them with to get through their childhood.
• 4:02
  Cheryl: For example, uh, recently some of my granddaughters had been at a park, mm-hmm.
• 4:08
  Cheryl: Recently they'd been at a park and when they came to my house, they came up to me and said, guess what?
• 4:13
  Cheryl: Guess what?
• 4:13
  Cheryl: I just made?
• 4:14
  Cheryl: Two new best friends today how cute.
• 4:17
  Cheryl: And I said, where?
• 4:18
  Cheryl: And they go at the park and I just went over and we were on the slides and things.
• 4:22
  Cheryl: I said, do you wanna be best friends?
• 4:23
  Cheryl: And they, yeah.
• 4:24
  Cheryl: So easy.
• 4:25
  Cheryl: You know?
• 4:25
  Cheryl: So just like that.
• 4:27
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:27
  Cheryl: Well, everybody knows really, you can't have two new best friends in 30 minutes apart.
• 4:32
  Cheryl: Right?
• 4:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:33
  Cheryl: But that, um, I think that's an equipping for that young age.
• 4:38
  Cheryl: Not, not everybody.
• 4:39
  Cheryl: 'cause I know people who are maybe a little more, uh, internal oriented or maybe a little shy er Sure.
• 4:46
  Cheryl: They may not reach out like that.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: But it comes more easily at that age.
• 4:51
  Cheryl: And, uh.
• 4:52
  Cheryl: You can have kind of new best friends five days a week,
• 4:55
  Kyla: right?
• 4:56
  Kyla: You're not worrying about what do they think of me and no, what am I wearing and how does you know that's right?
• 5:02
  Cheryl: And, and it doesn't work that perfectly for everybody, but there is a security of that age.
• 5:09
  Cheryl: That begins to fade when we do this transitioning, because the big picture is, remember, they're transitioning, releasing process to where they're going to be full fledged adults.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: And so this friendship, I think, and the feelings are part of that.
• 5:27
  Cheryl: And so older kids are beginning to try and figure out who am I and how do I want to present myself and how do I want to look to my peers?
• 5:37
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 5:38
  Cheryl: Um, and how do they.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: See me, right?
• 5:40
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: It's hard how much pressure our kids feel just trying to navigate friendships and figure out where they fit in and Kyla I think Maybe part of what's happening here, psychologists call the imaginary audience.
• 6:00
  Kyla: Mm-hmm
• 6:01
  Cheryl: Basically, it's the feeling that teens have, that everyone is watching them, judging them, noticing every little thing they do or say.
• 6:14
  Cheryl: It's why walking into a lunchroom or a dance feels like they're stepping on a stage with the spotlight glaring down on them.
• 6:25
  Cheryl: Yeah but it's not just that.
• 6:27
  Cheryl: There's also something that's called, um, personal fable where teens tend,uh, to believe their thoughts and experiences are completely unique, something that no one else could possibly understand.
• 6:46
  Cheryl: So they feel like everyone's watching them, but at the same time, they believe their struggles are theirs alone.
• 6:54
  Cheryl: And so Kyla, when we put those two things together, It's no wonder friendships feel so complicated and fragile especially during these years.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: It's hard to be real and connect when you're always feeling judged and like no one can truly understand you.
• 7:11
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 7:12
  Kyla: that makes a lot of sense
• 7:14
  Cheryl: and this is why our involvement, our listening ear, and our presence are vitally important.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: uh, knowing this doesn't magically fix it all, but it sure helps us understand what they're going through and gives us a little more compassion and patience as we walk through it with them.
• 7:33
  Kyla: It's so good
• 7:34
  Cheryl: That's eyeopening though, for the parents.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: Because there's something psychologically that's that shift from the 5-year-old who goes, Hey, you wanna be best friends, right?
• 7:42
  Cheryl: And they just run off together.
• 7:44
  Cheryl: Um.
• 7:45
  Cheryl: There's a shift and this is the beginning of reflective, introspective self-evaluation that we want to have.
• 7:56
  Cheryl: It's just the immature, budding stages of it.
• 7:59
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:00
  Cheryl: And so it leaves with so much insecurity and there.
• 8:06
  Cheryl: They're right.
• 8:07
  Cheryl: Everybody else is looking and evaluating on such superficial Sure.
• 8:12
  Cheryl: Things that no wonder they feel insecure.
• 8:15
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 8:16
  Kyla: I talked to a mom and you know, for all appearances, her daughter is one of the popular ones.
• 8:22
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 8:22
  Kyla: And, and she just confided in me that.
• 8:27
  Kyla: Her daughter is hurting and lonely and, but you would never guess it anyone on the outside, even any one in her peer group.
• 8:35
  Kyla: I,
• 8:35
  Cheryl: I, I, and I'm gonna say this is the same thing with adults.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: I know adults whom everyone would say, wow, that person's popular.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: They have so many friends.
• 8:44
  Cheryl: They're well spoken.
• 8:46
  Cheryl: People like them to come into the groups.
• 8:48
  Cheryl: And when you talk to'em privately, guess what?
• 8:51
  Cheryl: They're insecure.
• 8:53
  Cheryl: They feel loneliness in there.
• 8:55
  Cheryl: And Kyla, instead of saying, oh, isn't this a terrible human condition?
• 9:00
  Cheryl: I would say actually that's revealing God created us to be relational beings.
• 9:05
  Cheryl: Right?
• 9:06
  Cheryl: And what we're seeing is the hunger in hearts.
• 9:09
  Cheryl: For relationships and, and not just being the popular number one most popular person in school.
• 9:17
  Cheryl: Not that, but that we are hungry for relationships, right?
• 9:20
  Cheryl: And so we saw it in the immaturity of the five-year-old on the playground, but what you're hearing from these parents about their kids as they're beginning to grow up and start figuring out who they are as a person and that whole developing, releasing process.
• 9:39
  Cheryl: They are feeling the need for relationships and it's not as superficial as it was previously.
• 9:46
  Cheryl: And so I think that's part of what we're dealing with.
• 9:50
  Cheryl: And I would say parents, that's what we need to address.
• 9:53
  Kyla: Well, practically, Cheryl, for the parents in those situations their hearts are hurting, what do you think we can do or say?
• 10:02
  Cheryl: One thing I would encourage them to realize, it's a bit like.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: Uh, childbirth, you're watching the pains of the developing of the person of who they're going to be.
• 10:14
  Cheryl: Right?
• 10:15
  Cheryl: And so you do see the struggle'cause it, that's just a struggling, painful process.
• 10:20
  Cheryl: So as always, I would say you be the safe place.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: Right?
• 10:25
  Cheryl: Be careful of too much advice, but be the safe place where they can come I hope that those daughters or sons you told me in this case they were daughters.
• 10:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 10:36
  Cheryl: that feel safe enough to talk about it and say, mom, I feel this way, and help give them the words to process how they feel.
• 10:45
  Cheryl: And then I would hope to be a parent with true compassion saying, I'm so sorry.
• 10:49
  Cheryl: I can see this is really painful.
• 10:51
  Cheryl: This really hurts.
• 10:52
  Cheryl: And then sit with them and let them be able to talk about it.
• 10:58
  Cheryl: Without
• 10:59
  Kyla: handing them the quick answers.
• 11:01
  Kyla: Sure.
• 11:01
  Kyla: And do you have any special encouragement or wisdom for those of us who are in the thick of that painful and hard transition season?
• 11:10
  Yeah.
• 11:10
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 11:10
  Cheryl: So you have to begin to release your children open handed to pull away, because what you're feeling.
• 11:20
  Cheryl: Is that birth pain of the pulling away from you.
• 11:23
  Cheryl: cause actually that's what birth is.
• 11:25
  Cheryl: Sure is physically that baby is pulling away from you and now you're just feeling it more emotionally.
• 11:33
  Kyla: Yes.
• 11:33
  Kyla: I never thought of it that way.
• 11:35
  Cheryl: But how selfish if you kept that baby inside of you, if you could
• 11:39
  Kyla: right.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: You.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: This is that releasing process.
• 11:41
  Cheryl: So how can I love this child?
• 11:43
  Cheryl: Well, so.
• 11:45
  Cheryl: Quit being self-focused.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:47
  Cheryl: And let's be other focused.
• 11:48
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:49
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 11:49
  Cheryl: What can I do?
• 11:50
  Cheryl: How can I love them?
• 11:51
  Cheryl: Well, and as they're beginning to talk to their children, how can we talk up to them in a way to say, well, how can we be a little more.
• 12:01
  Cheryl: Other focused.
• 12:02
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:02
  Cheryl: One of the things when my kids talk to me through these years, uh, because they saw me as an extrovert, conversations do come fairly easy to me.
• 12:12
  Yes.
• 12:13
  Cheryl: And, uh, they would say, well, mom, you make friends so easily.
• 12:17
  Cheryl: you just walk in the room and we watch you talk to people.
• 12:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:21
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 12:21
  Cheryl: I will say that's a natural strength that I have, I can bring that energy.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: And we've talked about external processing versus internal, but rather being self-focused that it's all about me.
• 12:35
  Cheryl: I try to, even when I don't want to, I feel like I've been given that gift and I want to reach out to others.
• 12:42
  Cheryl: with it.
• 12:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:43
  Cheryl: Now in the less mature me, I might have done all the talking.
• 12:47
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 12:48
  Cheryl: But the more mature me, I did something different.
• 12:51
  Cheryl: And I would ask my kids, what do you see me do?
• 12:53
  Cheryl: And they go, you ask questions, right?
• 12:55
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 12:56
  Cheryl: So I try to be a good listener, and so I use my energy to open up the conversations, but then I try to ask good questions, find out and listen.
• 13:06
  Cheryl: And then.
• 13:07
  Cheryl: Use that to make the connection with the other person.
• 13:11
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 13:11
  Cheryl: And, um, be more concerned about that rather than what I'm getting out of it.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: Now, that's a lot of maturity for a young person.
• 13:21
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:21
  Cheryl: But Mom, I don't know how to ask good questions.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 13:24
  Cheryl: Listen.
• 13:24
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:25
  Cheryl: Get an introductory question and then listen to their answer.
• 13:29
  Cheryl: Rather than be thinking about your answer, listen to their answer.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: All you have to do is ask another question, right?
• 13:34
  Cheryl: And then they say something else and go, wow.
• 13:38
  Cheryl: What is your favorite Taylor Swift song?
• 13:40
  Cheryl: And then instead of saying, well, mine is, and I found this, instead of, you want to be a conversationalist, but ask questions about them.
• 13:50
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 13:50
  Cheryl: And that's how you can open it up.
• 13:52
  Cheryl: And then I would say the same thing in friendship that, do we want a friendship that's where we care about the other person?
• 14:00
  Cheryl: Or do we just wanna be popular?
• 14:01
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:02
  Cheryl: So they wanna be popular.
• 14:03
  Cheryl: That's a different.
• 14:04
  Cheryl: Track if we wanna be friends, then let's look at how we can connect with the other person.
• 14:11
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 14:12
  Cheryl: Another way I help my children through this stage of life is you walk into a group and they feel that pressure and the insecurity look for someone who needs a friend.
• 14:24
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 14:24
  Cheryl: Don't look at the most popular group that they are already talking about the cool things and they have plenty of people.
• 14:30
  Cheryl: Look for someone who isn't well connected.
• 14:32
  Cheryl: That's great.
• 14:33
  Cheryl: Someone who doesn't have a friend and.
• 14:36
  Cheryl: Go over and say hi, and then introduce yourself or invite them in.
• 14:41
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:42
  Cheryl: Or particularly with my kids, try to equip them with one friend.
• 14:47
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:48
  Cheryl: And if you have one friend, then don't become a clique and just talk about them.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: Have your friend go with you to that other person that doesn't have a friend or is new.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: And then the two of you invite them in and suddenly you have given that person.
• 15:04
  Cheryl: A core group of friendship.
• 15:05
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:05
  Cheryl: Whether it's gonna last forever or just for that, meeting you have been a friend to them and you're breaking down.
• 15:13
  Cheryl: That natural selfishness that we have, that's just easier.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: For example, Kyla, if you were in a group of people, it would be so easy for me just to walk up and talk to you.
• 15:26
  Cheryl: That's just easy to do.
• 15:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 15:27
  Cheryl: 'cause of our friendship.
• 15:28
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:29
  Cheryl: But what I would rather do is.
• 15:31
  Cheryl: Either talk with someone else or let's go over and pull this other person in.
• 15:35
  Cheryl: That's the unselfish way and the way I develop friendship rather than just, uh, rely on what I already have.
• 15:43
  Cheryl: Does that make any sense?
• 15:45
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 15:45
  Kyla: that makes a lot of sense.
• 15:47
  Kyla: I think about my own childhood when I was struggling as a 13-year-old with all those underlying insecurities emotions.
• 15:53
  Kyla: I know it's, it was horrible.
• 15:54
  Kyla: It's horrible.
• 15:56
  Kyla: Awful.
• 15:57
  Kyla: And I remember my mom was so extroverted and I looked at her yeah.
• 16:02
  Kyla: She makes friends so easy.
• 16:04
  Kyla: She's never, you know, met a stranger.
• 16:07
  Kyla: She feels comfortable everywhere she goes, I wanna be like that.
• 16:10
  Kyla: But then, you know, growing into my own mm-hmm.
• 16:14
  Kyla: And learning to make friends and even gleaning some wisdom from my dad.
• 16:20
  Kyla: Who taught me to be interested in others and ask good questions.
• 16:25
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 16:25
  Kyla: Like you were saying, and to really get to know people because people love that.
• 16:29
  Kyla: They feel seen, they feel heard as and to be genuine about it.
• 16:33
  Kyla: Yes, yes.
• 16:33
  Cheryl: I've been doing it a long time.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: And I always want to be genuine, but I wanna be intentional maybe see if that helps Yes.
• 16:43
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 16:43
  Cheryl: That intentionally slowly begin to practice it because when you're new at something, you're just not as good.
• 16:51
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 16:51
  Cheryl: But if you don't ever take.
• 16:54
  Cheryl: The training wheels off and you stay where you're comfortable, you're not gonna grow.
• 16:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:59
  Cheryl: And um, you can make
• 17:00
  Kyla: it a habit.
• 17:01
  Kyla: Yes.
• 17:02
  Kyla: And you can make it a habit, but at the same time, genuinely care about other people.
• 17:07
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:08
  Cheryl: And that's what I wanna develop in my children.
• 17:10
  Cheryl: Plus also looking for and trying to develop at least one or two safe friends.
• 17:17
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:17
  Cheryl: And friends that they felt like they could be real with and that they enjoyed.
• 17:22
  Cheryl: The standing against the crowd when the crowd is moving in a wrong direction Mm-hmm.
• 17:27
  Cheryl: And I had several times.
• 17:30
  Cheryl: and these are my sons, say, mom, if I have one friend if I have one buddy standing at my shoulder, he has my back.
• 17:36
  Cheryl: I can stand against the crowd.
• 17:38
  Cheryl: Yeah, you can conquer the world.
• 17:40
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 17:40
  Kyla: One friend.
• 17:41
  Kyla: With
• 17:41
  Cheryl: one friend.
• 17:42
  Cheryl: So let's look at developing one friend rather than being the most popular.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:47
  Cheryl: And again, I don't know if I mentioned it, the difference between popularity and friendship and talk about it and like.
• 17:54
  Cheryl: It says in Proverbs, there's a friend that sticks closer than a brother, and so you know, the pull of popularity is so big at that age.
• 18:04
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:04
  Cheryl: Going back to these conversations that you keep the conversation open so they can talk with you about it.
• 18:12
  Cheryl: And you can say, do you see somebody you'd like to develop a friendship with?
• 18:16
  Cheryl: What are you looking for in a friend?
• 18:19
  Cheryl: Right?
• 18:19
  Cheryl: Not just popularity.
• 18:22
  Cheryl: And have those conversations.
• 18:24
  Cheryl: a Phrase that I heard when I was a child.
• 18:26
  Cheryl: If you want to have a friend, you need to be a friend.
• 18:29
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:30
  Cheryl: What do you want others to see in you to reflect the kind of person you want to be?
• 18:35
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:36
  Cheryl: And this kind of dialogue might help take them from the immaturity of wanting just popularity to maybe deeper things.
• 18:45
  Cheryl: It's gonna take a lot of time in their teen years, for you as a parent means having people over and having food and doing all the things that help them to develop their friendships.
• 18:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:56
  Kyla: Be the house that people wanna come to.
• 18:58
  Kyla: That's
• 18:58
  Cheryl: exactly right.
• 19:00
  Kyla: I just think, I'm thinking back to previous things that you've said that I clinging to, and I think in the midst of my children's pain.
• 19:09
  Kyla: My gut reaction is to rescue them.
• 19:12
  Kyla: And I'm thinking back how you said don't rescue them.
• 19:15
  Kyla: Walk through the pain with them.
• 19:18
  Kyla: Yes.
• 19:19
  Kyla: Walk through the hard year when they're lonely.
• 19:22
  Cheryl: Absolutely.
• 19:23
  Cheryl: Kyla.
• 19:24
  Cheryl: I had a big capacity for relationships, but I've talked here before, I had a lot of loneliness and solitude in my childhood because we moved a lot and children don't do this mature thing when you are always new.
• 19:39
  Cheryl: I went to nine different public schools.
• 19:41
  Cheryl: That's so many.
• 19:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 19:43
  Cheryl: And some always in the the new kid.
• 19:46
  Cheryl: And I was a friendly golden retriever and I didn't have a lot of self-awareness and other awareness.
• 19:53
  Cheryl: I thought everybody wanted to be my friend and I had a lot of painful, bad experiences and, my parents loved me but, they made a mistake of kind of doing what you were saying.
• 20:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:07
  Cheryl: Protecting me instead of equipping me.
• 20:10
  Cheryl: And so when meaning by what did they Well, I could tell you particular certain instances where I was rejected or I didn't have a friend or everybody else.
• 20:20
  Cheryl: Got together and they were friends and the clique, and I am outside the clique.
• 20:24
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 20:25
  Cheryl: And I would come home crying and sad and upset.
• 20:28
  Cheryl: And my parents did the best.
• 20:30
  Cheryl: They knew how, but I wish they'd known to equip me.
• 20:33
  Cheryl: And what they did is said, that's okay.
• 20:35
  Cheryl: You don't need them.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: We love you.
• 20:38
  Cheryl: You have us, you don't need them.
• 20:41
  Cheryl: And.
• 20:42
  Cheryl: That made me feel loved by them, but it did not equip me for the battle and the culture I was in.
• 20:49
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 20:49
  Cheryl: So I had to go, okay, so I'll just build a wall around my heart and I won't, um, try anymore.
• 20:59
  Cheryl: And things like that.
• 21:00
  Cheryl: I didn't have any tools to take
• 21:02
  mm-hmm.
• 21:02
  Cheryl: Into the friendships, into the rejection, into being a new person.
• 21:07
  Cheryl: The kinds of things I tried to talk with my kids so that they could learn to be a friend and not just be self-aware, but to be other aware.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:15
  Cheryl: And my parents didn't know how to equip me.
• 21:18
  Cheryl: They spoke to my pain instead of my gain.
• 21:23
  Cheryl: Hmm.
• 21:23
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 21:24
  Cheryl: And if I think I wish.
• 21:27
  Cheryl: I had been better equipped to equip my children, but I tried to, my parents didn't do that.
• 21:32
  Cheryl: They just loved me and, and grieved with me.
• 21:36
  Cheryl: And what you're saying, that's where we have to be more mature and look at the long term of who we want our children to become.
• 21:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:44
  Cheryl: So that we keep that.
• 21:45
  Cheryl: relationship bridge open, but we sit with them in their pain and then try to walk with them mm-hmm.
• 21:52
  Cheryl: To understand and how to deal with it.
• 21:53
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 21:54
  Cheryl: I want to be open so they feel safe to come and process with me.
• 21:59
  Kyla: Yeah,
• 22:00
  Cheryl: for sure.
• 22:00
  Sure.
• 22:00
  Kyla: Yeah.
• 22:01
  Kyla: This is great.
• 22:01
  Kyla: Yeah.,
• 22:02
  Cheryl: well, we're out of time, but our conversation started with, we have an epidemic of loneliness.
• 22:07
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:07
  Mm-hmm.
• 22:08
  Cheryl: This is why we walk with our kids Through the pain.
• 22:12
  Cheryl: Yeah, to releasing them Hoping to equip them so that they can take those tools to figure out their life when they leave our house.
• 22:20
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 22:21
  Cheryl: Okay, Kyla, thank you again.
• 22:23
  Cheryl: This is great.
• 22:23
  Cheryl: Will you come back in?
• 22:24
  Cheryl: Yes, I will.
• 22:26
  Cheryl: Wonderful.
• 22:27
  Cheryl: Hey parents, hang in there.
• 22:28
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 22:38
  Cheryl: Listeners, I know this episode was primarily about your children and their friendships and working with that.
• 22:45
  Cheryl: But I didn't want to close out today without talking about us.
• 22:50
  Cheryl: The desire for connection and real friendship and the pain of loneliness.
• 22:55
  Cheryl: It's also a reality for us as adults to different degrees off mic.
• 23:02
  Cheryl: Both Kyla and I were talking about our own loneliness struggles and how we deal with them.
• 23:09
  Cheryl: Please let me encourage you to reach out to somebody.
• 23:13
  Cheryl: Take that next step.
• 23:15
  Cheryl: Even though it might be a little intimidating, it will be worth it.
• 23:21
  Cheryl: Maybe simply text someone and say, Hey, let's meet for coffee or invite a couple over for dinner, or have someone join you taking a walk.
• 23:33
  Cheryl: We are created for connection and relationships.
• 23:38
  Cheryl: Don't stay alone in that loneliness.
• 23:41
  Cheryl: If it would help, maybe you could reach out to your doctor or counselor, or your pastor or minister.
• 23:48
  Cheryl: We're not made to walk this life alone.
• 23:52
  Cheryl: If you'd like to share your thoughts, you can reach me anytime at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or through social media.
• 24:01
  Cheryl: Thanks for joining us today.
• 24:03
  Cheryl: I'll look forward to meeting with you next time.