Latest / Execution Insights™: The Podcast / The High Cost of Being Needed - 𝘌𝘯𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘖𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘕𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘓𝘦𝘴𝘴

Transcript

The High Cost of Being Needed - 𝘌𝘯𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘖𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘕𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘓𝘦𝘴𝘴 · Execution Insights™: The Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Execution Insights Podcast, where stories from the leadership journey often become lessons for the road ahead.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, I'm Jim Hewling, and over a lifetime of leading and coaching, I've learned that some of our greatest lessons come from the moments we never expected.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: And today, we're going to be talking about something most leaders would probably consider a good thing: being needed.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens when being needed is how we prove we matter.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: And how does it inhibit our willingness to help others become so capable that they actually need us less?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm glad you're here.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Years ago, when I was a CEO, I came back to the office once after visiting several of our remote locations.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I will always remember that as I walked toward my office, I noticed something really unusual.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: There were several people sitting in the waiting area outside my door.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: And as I got there, I looked at my assistant and said, What's going on?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, They're all waiting for you.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a little bit of tone in her voice.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, The entire group is waiting for me?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, Yes, but one at a time.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Each of them needs your input or approval on a different project before they can proceed.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I just told all of them that you would be back first thing this morning.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I remember standing there for a moment and just looking at all of them.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember thinking in that moment that these are talented, capable people.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: These are some of the people I trust the most in the entire company.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And they're each and every one is a person with important responsibilities of their own.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And yet, while I had been away, their work had stopped because they were having to wait for me.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in that moment, I thought in a way that I bet everybody hearing this can appreciate, something has to change.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And in that moment, I remember thinking that the problem seemed pretty obvious.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, clearly there were too many decisions that were coming to me.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to delegate more.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to give people greater authority and latitude to make decisions.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, overall, we needed to push the decision making further into the organization.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now, every one of those conclusions was true.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: But over the years, I've realized there was something else going on in that moment too.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Something that was much more personal than I realized on that day.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: The truth was, it felt good to be needed.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I don't know that I would have admitted that at the time.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I'm fairly certain I wouldn't have.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know if I would have understood it at the time.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: But I think today maybe you can relate to exactly where I was as a leader.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's a particular feeling that comes from being the one that people turn to when they're most in need.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Someone walks into your office with a problem that's been troubling them, and you listen carefully.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: You probably ask a few questions, and then you offer an idea, or you make a decision, or you do something else that suddenly creates that look of relief on their face.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now they know what to do.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you are the one who helped make that happen.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if we're telling the truth, that feels good, doesn't it?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, in that moment, you feel like you really matter.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, being needed is remarkably close to feeling valuable.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what makes this such an easy trap for a leader to fall into.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's nothing at all about it that feels like a trap.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, in that moment, it feels like real leadership.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, after all, people trust you.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: They seek you out, they want your insight.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: What could possibly be wrong with that?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, on the surface, nothing.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Until you realize they feel like they can't actually make a move without you.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now, these days, when I'm coaching executives all over the world, I sometimes describe this structure as a genius with a thousand helpers.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I know that that label can be a little bit offensive, but it's also painfully true.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because in this model, eventually everything finds its way back to the genius, who in this story for the moment was unfortunately me.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm talking about, the problem that no one else can solve, or the customer that no one can satisfy, or the project that's somehow always behind.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what makes the pattern so seductive.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because in that moment, well, the advice you and I offer, it actually works.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we not only solve the problem, we probably solve it faster.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: And as a leader, well, there's something deeply satisfying about it, right?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we watch that person walk away from us relieved, and we walk away feeling useful.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: One more time, problem solved, at least for today.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: But what we miss is that the reward for being needed, well, it's immediate.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: But the cost, the cost arrives later.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: The cost arrives when you see people, as I did, sitting outside your office waiting.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: You see, that was the part I knew I had to change.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: But as soon as I began making those changes, I have to confess, I grappled with something I didn't see coming that was even harder because I was successful at it.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: People stopped needing me as much.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, no matter what else you hear in this message today, I don't want to rush by this insight.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: I want to slow down and let it sink in.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, nowadays we talk about empowerment as though the only emotion we're going to experience when it works is this overwhelming pride.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And when you see people growing, it's true there is pride.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, there's a lot of pride.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: But if we're really honest, there can be something else too.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: There can be a feeling of loss.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: The phone doesn't ring quite as often.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're not needed in every conversation.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And you find out later that important decisions are made, and they only told you about it after it was all done.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, the truth is your team has already handled it, and most likely they've handled it well.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: And when you listen to them later tell you what happened and how well it went, well, the truth is you're genuinely pleased.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, after all, this is what we wanted, right?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is what we've been trying to create.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: But still, somewhere inside, there's this tiny reaction.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: In my case, it felt like, oh, okay, well, you didn't meet me, I guess.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here I am years later.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: I really think that's worth admitting.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's possible to be genuinely proud of someone else's independence and still miss the feeling you used to get in being needed by them.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: You see, one of my greatest learnings has been that those two feelings can live in most of us side by side.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe this is where the real work of leadership begins when you think about it.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because when that little bit of emptiness appears, well, I don't know about you, but I have an immediate reaction to want to fill it, right?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I start saying, hey, I think I'd like to join that meeting.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Or I say, hey, would you mind just copying me on all the correspondence on this project?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And none of those reactions are really about the desire to control people.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's just that it feels so strange not to be in the middle of it all anymore.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, after all, in my case, I had spent years complaining that I never had enough time.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then suddenly, when I began to implement these changes, well, there's room on the calendar.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, there are fewer questions coming my way, and there are fewer people waiting for me outside the door.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: And the very space I worked so hard to create started to make me wonder whether I was still as important as I used to be.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the moment I'm talking about today.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's the moment I think as leaders, we have to be incredibly careful.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because there will always be a temptation to reclaim the space we just worked so hard to create.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because in reality, many of us, competence was always part of our identity, wasn't it?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And probably for some of us, for a very long time.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, in our own stories of our careers, we know we became successful because we could handle things.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: But what I want to share today is the truth that the next level of leadership asks us to loosen our grip, loosen it on the very things that once helped us become successful.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to say again that doing that is deeply personal.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it's driven by the question we rarely say out loud, but we always feel in our hearts.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: The question is, hey, if they don't really need me, do I still matter?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Do I still have a place?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Do I still have value to bring?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now you're sensing right now, as I did, that that's not a management question.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's an inner life question.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And for sure, there's no management technique in the world that can answer that question for us.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: We have to answer that question for ourselves.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, part of the answer came from changing what I was looking for.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: What I mean by that is instead of noticing how often people came to me, I taught myself to begin paying more attention to what was becoming possible without me.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: And to celebrate it even.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, gradually, something that initially felt like loss started to feel really different.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it started to feel like growth.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because honestly, there's something wonderful about watching another person begin to trust themselves and seeing that they don't need to come into the room with the leading line of, hey, I need your help.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, when the change happens, they come in saying, Hey, by the way, here's what I'm thinking, or here's what I'm planning to do, or even more so, here's what I already did.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: And in reality, sometimes they don't come in at all.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: They just handle it.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it's not that you and I have really become less important.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's not true.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's that we've helped them become more capable.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: I remember many times watching people I once led or coached become literally extraordinary in their own right.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be honest and say I've watched them make decisions I wouldn't have made.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: I've watched them lead in ways I don't think I could have led.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I could tell you for sure that that feels very different from being needed.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, first of all, it's a lot quieter, and there's a lot less of you in it.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, there's also something deeper.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's the real satisfaction of knowing that something you gave away became greater in someone else's hands.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of experiencing that as a loss, you begin to recognize it as one of the greatest rewards leadership ever can give you.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: You see, at the end of it all, the question we really have to ask ourselves, maybe looking in the mirror, is can I care more about their growth than I care about feeling essential to their success?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now, think about that question for a moment, because I think about it every time I remember those people sitting outside my office waiting for me.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: There might have been a time in my own life when that picture would have made me feel more needed, more important.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: But now I have a totally different picture of leadership, and it's one that's far more meaningful.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: The picture I hold now is an empty waiting room.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: So here are some questions I think are worth sitting with this week for you and for me on this very important topic of the high cost of being needed.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, how much of what comes to you every day really requires you what could be handled by someone else?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: And how much of it is happening because you've maybe unintentionally taught them that that's the best way to do things.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, whatever you want to do, bring it to me for a final checkoff.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: I've always said two heads are better than one.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not even sure that's true.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the most personal question of all.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I warn you, it goes deep.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: What does being needed give you?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: You see, there's nothing wrong with being needed.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: No, not at all.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Showing up for another human being is one of the great privileges of our lives as leaders.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: But I now believe that leadership asks something more of us.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: It asks us to resist the satisfaction of always having the answer so that someone else can find their own answers.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because in the end, the greatest evidence of our own leadership will not be how many people are waiting outside our door.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you this it's how many people no longer feel they have to.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for spending this time with me.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: I hope something from today's message stays with you and even more helps you lead and live with greater insight, with greater passion.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you'd like to continue this conversation, well, I'd love to have you join me for the Execution Insights newsletter.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: You'll find a link to the newsletter in the description below, as well as information if you want to book a coaching session with me.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, thanks again for being here.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, lead with vision.