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80. Understanding coercive control (Part 2): The 7 patterns directed at children · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, welcome back to the Post-Separation Abuse Podcast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: In the last episode, we talked about why family court professionals keep missing coercive control.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're going to talk about what they're missing and how to make those patterns impossible for them to ignore any longer.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because here's the truth.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Most professionals do not make the mental leap from he's controlling her to he might be controlling the children as well.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: You would think it's obvious, but to them it often isn't.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: So you have to spell it out.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: And we're going to unpack how you can do that today.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Danielle Black, and this is part two of Understanding Coercive Control.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: But before we dive in, a quick note.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: What I share here is education, research and strategy, not legal advice.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And although most coercive control that I see in my work and in the research is perpetrated by men, coercive control can be perpetrated by any gender.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, if anything in this episode feels heavy or triggering, please pause, take a moment, step back, and return when you're feeling ready.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is hard to hear because it's so very real.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Inside the coercive control module in the post-separation parenting blueprint, the one that I spoke about in the previous episode, lesson three is one of the most important lessons in that module.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because understanding how coercive control operates towards kids is one of the most important things a protective parent can learn.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And because no one else is teaching this with the level of precision that you need to document it, present it, and protect your kids from it.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm giving you the framework, but just enough to help you start recognizing what you're seeing.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're serious about advocating for your kids, you really will want the full coercive control module.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Which is why I'll remind you that for Danielle Black Coaching, Black Friday is starting this Friday, November 28, and there is$300 off the post-separation parenting blueprint and four months of complementary access to the beta version of AI Danielle.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: So don't buy it before then.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: So what do the courts actually care about?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: The family court really doesn't care that your ex is difficult, rigid, or unreasonable.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: What they care about is whether or not the behavior is harming the kids.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: If it's stressful for you, the court sees that as an adult issue.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: But if the behavior is affecting your children's development, then that's something that the court will respond to.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: This single shift from the impact on you to the impact on your child will completely change how professionals hear your concerns.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: The relevant question isn't are they controlling you?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rather, the relevant question is how is this pattern of behavior directly harming the children's well-being and development?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: That is the question that your documentation must answer.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Through my own lived experience and working with hundreds of families, I've identified seven patterns of coercive control directed towards children conditional love and approval, triangulation and divided loyalties, undermining your parenting authority, fear and intimidation, parentification and emotional caretaking, and gaslighting the child and distorting reality.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to walk you through three of them, the three that I see most commonly.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: In the coercive control module that's in the blueprint, I break down all seven with examples, red flags, impacts by age, and how to document it.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started with the first pattern conditional love and approval.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is when a child's sense of being loved becomes conditional on meeting the parent's emotional needs.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy love says I love you no matter what.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Coercive control says if you really loved me you would or you make me sad when you're not here.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or you're the only one who really makes me happy.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: This teaches the child that love must be earned through compliance.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a real life example.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: A seven year old tells her mum at bedtime Dad gets really sad when I'm not there and I'm the only one who makes him happy.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: She becomes tearful, but she doesn't want Dad to be sad.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: The next morning she asks if she has to go to her friend's birthday party because it's Dad's weekend, and what if he needs me?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't a clingy child.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is a child being emotionally recruited to regulate the emotions of an adult.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: At this age, children need unconditional love, autonomy, stability, and freedom to explore.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, the child in this example is learning that her job is to emotionally look after a parent, that her needs can cause harm, that love depends on her emotional labour, and that her dad's well being is her responsibility.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is a direct interference with her development.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: In terms of how to document, it's important that we keep it simple and factual, with the date and the time, exact quotes from kids, the context of the situation, the child's emotional response, the pattern over time, and the impact on the child's functioning.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: For example, the date could be the 15th of the 11th, 2025.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: You'd have your child's name and age with a direct quote, Dad told me he gets sad when I'm not there and I'm the only one who makes him happy.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: The pattern is that this is the fourth similar report in six weeks.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: The impact is that this child has declined three age appropriate social invitations, primarily citing worry about her father's emotions.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: This turns a vague concern into something that professionals can actually work with.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's talk about pattern number two, triangulation and divided loyalties.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is when children are pulled into the middle of adult matters and made to carry messages, keep secrets, report on you, manage loyalty, and answer questions about you and your home.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: It destroys the child's ability to have authentic, safe relationships with either parent.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: For example, it could be a child mentioning that they were gifted a tablet or other device, and then they might get really worried and say I wasn't supposed to tell you.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Dad said it's a secret.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or a child might say Dad asks me lots of questions about what we do.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Who comes here, what you say, whether you've got a new boyfriend.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: When asked how that questioning makes them feel, they reply I get worried I'll say something wrong.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is an example of a chronic loyalty bind.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a child just talking.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: So why does this harm development?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: The pattern that this creates is anxiety, hypervigilance, inauthentic relationships, identity confusion, burdensome secrecy and loyalty conflicts.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Professionals might just brush this off as quote kids talking.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: But what's happening is a recognised form of psychological harm.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: The way that you document it is to record the specific quote secrets that your child might share with you, to record the questions that the child says that they've been asked about you, to record your child's emotional responses, the frequency that this occurs, and any other changes that you notice over time.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: For example, you might document that across November 2025, your child increasingly says, quote, I can't tell you that, or I've forgotten, and appears anxious when sharing even neutral information.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: This shows a pattern and it also demonstrates impact.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's look at the next pattern, undermining your authority.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is when a child's trust in you and your parenting is systematically eroded, with statements like mum's too strict, or you don't have to do what she says, or that bedtime rule is stupid.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: This destroys stability and structure.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: For example, an eight year old comes home from the other parent's house and suddenly refuses a bedtime routine that they've followed for years.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: They might say Dad said your rules are stupid and I don't have to listen.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: At bedtime you might hear Dad lets me stay up till ten.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: He says that your bedtime's babyish.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: This behaviour then starts immediately after all contact with the other parent.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: With this pattern, children lose structure, safety, predictability, respect for parental authority, and confidence in your parenting competence.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: They can become oppositional, disrespectful, manipulative, and emotionally insecure.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And this can spill into school and other environments as well.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: To document this you need to record the specific undermining statements, the shifts in behaviour, the timing in relation to changeovers, the consistency of the pattern, and the impact on the child's functioning.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: For example, before November, the kids were cooperative with routines.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there's increased oppositional behavior consistent with when they're returning from time with the other parent, refusal to follow rules, and new statements criticizing my parenting.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: The impact is significant erosion of structure and emotional security.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: The other four patterns four, fear and intimidation.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is chronic fear-based control, rage, threats, anything else that creates instability for the child.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: five parentification, where children become the emotional caregivers.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Isolation, interfering with the children's bond with you, your family and other important people.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: seven gaslighting the child and distorting reality.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: This is causing your children to doubt their own perceptions and memory.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: In the coercive control module in the blueprint, all of those patterns are broken down with specific examples, the impacts on different ages, how to document, what the red flags are, and how to best present those patterns.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: The reality is that most professionals will not connect the dots.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: You need to.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: In order to be heard, in order to be taken seriously, your documentation must name the pattern.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: You must be able to provide specific examples, to show the frequency and escalation if that's occurring, to explain the developmental impact and to connect it to the research.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: Vague concerns get dismissed.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Dumping fifty pages of just chronological events leads to patterns being missed.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be able to identify the patterns, and patterns are far more likely to be taken seriously.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: In lesson four of the new coercive control module in the Blueprint, I provide a complete system of documentation that helps to make your patterns undeniable.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: There's four layers to this.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is just brief notes.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: The second one is monthly pattern summaries.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: The third quarterly impact assessments.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: The fourth layer is a comprehensive pattern report that can be done either annually or before particular court events.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: All of this is unpacked in the blueprint in easy to understand language with examples.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: And you cannot get this level of precision from any podcast episode.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: You really do need the full system.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why the blueprint is so essential.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: The blueprint gives you the frameworks, the documentation language, the pattern analysis, documentation templates, the strategy, the clarity.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Coaching then helps you to apply all of that to your specific case if needed.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's important for me to note here that not everybody needs one-on-one coaching.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Or they might not need it for quite a while in their journey.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: For many people, the blueprint is going to be all that they need.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: The blueprint is the map.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: The coaching is the guide for those who need help with how to apply the map to their own situation.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: But everybody needs the map first.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: At Danielle Black Coaching, our Black Friday promotion starts Friday, November 28.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: From then until midnight on Friday, December 12, you get$300 off the blueprint and four months complementary access to AI Danielle.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: AI Daniel is trained on my frameworks, my documentation system, my pattern analysis, my parenting guidelines, my strategic communication style, and so much more.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's available to you 24-7 to help with questions like should I respond to this message from my co-parent?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: And help me word this clearly and factually?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: And which pattern does this align with?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: And can you help me to document this?
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm feeling triggered.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Can you help me to regulate before I respond?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's like having a calm, steady, research-based version of me in your pocket, which is why some of the clients that I've spoken to about this have referred to it as, quote, Daniel in my pocket.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Access to AI Daniel is going to be available to everyone who is already accessing the blueprint, so please don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: And for all of the clients who are working with either Trudy or myself via a coaching package, you get access as well.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be more information sent out to you about that very soon.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: The hard truth is that the cost of not understanding coercive control is enormous.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: For some people it can be the difference between optimizing their outcome or their case collapsing.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: They can have family reports that completely misinterpret what's going on.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Their kids can be placed in harmful parenting arrangements.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: They can be constantly triggered, and they can be years wasted working with professionals that do not understand coercive control.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: The blueprint really is an investment in your children's long-term well-being and safety, and in your ability to be able to advocate for them.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready to join, please wait until Friday because that's when the offer starts.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Today you've learned a bit more about the seven patterns of coercive control directed at kids, why it's so important to focus on the impact to children, how you can start to document, and why it's so important to have a full strategic framework, not just scattered advice.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: So this week, mark your calendar for Black Friday.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Reflect on which patterns are present in your situation.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Begin noticing the timing, the frequency, the impact.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: And get ready to become the expert in your own case, the expert that your children need.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're not alone.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Every single day I work with parents who are navigating the exact terrain that you're on.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the ones who succeed are not the ones with quote perfect cases.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: They're the ones who do the work, who gain clarity, who document strategically, and who learn how to advocate effectively and consistently.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's what the blueprint helps you with.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's the map that I wish that I had when I was where you are now.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: One client messaged me to say, Danielle, the blueprint, I have no words.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's everything.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: That really does sum it up perfectly.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: From those of us who have walked this journey, the content in the blueprint really is everything for people who are navigating post-separation, and especially if they're navigating post-separation with family violence, including coercive control.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: This Friday, the 28th of November, you can head to my website where you will see information about the Black Friday promotion.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: The discount is going to be applied automatically at checkout, so you don't need to remember any codes.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to hear from me directly into your inbox, please sign up for the newsletter.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can also do that via the website danielblackcoaching.com.au.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: And Trudy and I are here to help if you need one-on-one coaching support with your case.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: But again, remember, everyone starts with the blueprint.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Anyone who wants to work with us via a coaching package, all coaching packages for new clients include the blueprint.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's because it really is foundational.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: It really is the map.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, please trust what you're saying.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids need you to understand this.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for your time.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: As always, I look forward to chatting again with you soon.