Latest / High Five Hot Mess Podcast / Are We Better Off Alone? Team Companionship or Team Leave Me Alone?

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Are We Better Off Alone? Team Companionship or Team Leave Me Alone? · High Five Hot Mess Podcast

• Lisa Wilson: My favorite person to hang out with is me. A hundred percent. It really is. And it's because it's the only time I get to do what I want to do exactly when I want to do it. So no compromises, no negotiations, no explaining myself, no accommodations. Nobody ever asks me what's for dinner. If I want to read for three hours, I read for three hours. If I want to reorganize a junk drawer for absolutely no reason, I reorganize my junk drawer. If I want to sit in complete silence and stare out the window like I'm solving the world's problems, which I sometimes do, I can, and it's glorious. I'm also an introvert, so if you want me to give up time with my favorite person, you better bring it. Like don't just come to me looking to entertain you. You you came to this party. And I'm lucky. I found the one person on this planet who loves me enough to accept that I'm a very solitary human. Doug knows that people drain me, whereas people fill him up. He knows I need a lot of quiet. He knows that sometimes the nicest thing he can say to me is, I'm gonna leave for a little while, I'll be back. And I genuinely hear, here's a couple of interrupted hours, do what you want to do. I mean, that's love, right? But here's the thing: if something ever happened to Doug. Would I have it in me to start over with another human? I don't think so. I think that answer is a hard no for me. I would definitely not want to do that. And I'm not sad about that. In fact, I've already come to terms with it. I've already made this decision, which got me thinking about the other side of this, because not everyone is sitting where I'm sitting. Some people are dating after divorce, some people are starting over, some people are happily single. Some people keep saying, I'm just taking a break until one day they look up and realize that break has been 10 years and that's exactly what they needed or wanted. Or maybe somewhere along the way, protecting their peace quietly turned into protecting themselves from connection. I don't know. So today, Lisa and I are asking a question neither of us can fully answer. Are we actually better off alone? Or Have we just gotten really comfortable protecting our peace? We genuinely don't know. But you know what? We're gonna talk about it, so let's get into it. So Lisa, the last time either one of us was single, there was no cell phones. There's nobody was ghosting anyone. There was Lisa Smith: Mm-hmm. That's a hard thought. That is a hard thought to put out to the universe right there. Lisa Wilson: There were no cell phones, dude. That's how that's how old we are. How long ago it was that we dated. And then like half of the things people use to describe relationships today didn't even exist back then. Right? So and so you're like, okay, if your twenty-five-year-old Lisa were to look at your life as your fifty-five year old Lisa, do you think she'd be surprised? Lisa Smith: True. That is so true. my twenty-five-year-old self would not think that my fifty-year-old self would be here today. I was married already at twenty-five, and I, you know, just had my whole life ahead of me at that point. Lisa Wilson: Mm-hmm. Lisa Smith: Those were the good days of like building, you know, your home together, building your life together, building your careers together, all of those things. So yeah, my 25 year old self would have imagined it to look really different today, for sure. How about you? Lisa Wilson: So yes and no. So number one, I hate Judy Bloom. And if she hears this, this is your fault. So I read everything Judy Bloom when it came out. So my 12-year-old brain was basically taught the lesson that if you are not coveted by a boy or you are not in a relationship, you are unworthy. Like something's wrong with you. Like you're not attractive, you're not pretty, you're overweight, like all those messages. Lisa Smith: Okay. Okay. Hmm. Mm. Lisa Wilson: were in all of her books. So I trained myself to really think if I'm not in a relationship, I'm not wanted. I'm not attractive. I'm not any of those things. They're not true. but I really believed that. So I really wanted to be in a relationship. I spent, you know, my entire young teenage life like looking for that relationship person, you know, and sold myself fucking short. Lisa Smith: Mm-hmm. Mm. No. Mm-hmm. Okay. Lisa Wilson: to get it on more than one occasion, you know? And my parents were Italian, so they were very into like getting married, you know, but it was just I just never thought there was a choice not to be married, Lisa Smith: Mm, yeah. I didn't either. I thought that's just what you did. You, you know, got married, you had a family and that was it. So the end. Yeah. Yeah. Lisa Wilson: Like the end, right? Right. But as we've gotten older, and I don't know that that's true for people. Like if we had daughters, if that would still be true, or a daughter's daughters. I think it's very like age specific. But like we were told you got married, you had kids, and then you just like rode off into the sunset, and nobody ever talked about like. Lisa Smith: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Lisa Wilson: what you wanted or what was important to you or what made you happy or what your role was in that relationship, like nobody ever brought any of that up. You know what I mean? Lisa Smith: No. You had to you had to stumble through it for sure. And especially for people like me marrying really young. I was still growing up too, I felt like. And so kind of figuring out yourself at the same time you're now a partner with someone and you know, you you work together. It's not like you're making your own mistakes. Like you make a mistake, you make a mistake for the whole family, you know? Lisa Wilson: Mm. Lisa Smith: I couldn't imagine my child getting married as young as I got married. Lisa Wilson: No. I mean they don't have to. They're not even dating. Lisa Smith: No! They're not even they don't even care. They're like, who wants to do that? That sounds terrible. Lisa Wilson: They're like, why would I do that? I was watching this girl on Instagram the other day and she was probably in her 20s, you know, and she was like, So I had this hard conversation with my mom because she kept saying, You need to get married, you need to get married. And she was like, So I need to let the one person who's statistically most likely to murder me, like in my house 247. Like she was really like not able, not able to put it together. Lisa Smith: Uh-huh. Yeah. That's a really scary thought. Lisa Wilson: Like at all in her head. She was like, give the math is not mathing, like on why I would do this. So so there's that perspective. But like I really feel like it was it was expected of us to get married. It was expected of us to stay married. It was expected of us to have kids. I don't have kids, you do, right? And that was really hard for my mom and dad. Like when I was like, We're not having kids, or like, what? Why would you get married? Lisa Smith: Scary. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, and I think, I was I was very focused on my career. and you know, we were enjoying life together and we had kind of put off having kids, like starting a family off and you know, other things kind of played into it as well. But I just remember people always asking, like, when are you having kids? And not today, not now, you know. throwing that football down the road, like we're okay. We're t we wanna travel. We wanna, you know, do do things a little bit different than the norm. And that was really freaky to people. They didn't know how to handle it. So yeah. Lisa Wilson: Yeah. Mm. Well, and it's one of those things, Lisa, that your environment, like in your environment, marriage really young is super normal. In my environment it was not, but getting married was super normal. And like when you were a little kid, did you ever like fantasize about what your wedding would look like? Lisa Smith: So normal, yeah. Mm. All the time, yeah. Mm-hmm. All the time. Yeah, all the time. And and what's so funny is it kind of was like my total fairy tale, to the best of my ability, you know? And it really was. I had everything I wanted pretty much. And yeah, to me it was perfect. Lisa Wilson: Yeah. Lisa Smith: Because I had already thought so much about it. I already knew what I wanted what I wanted it to look like. So Lisa Wilson: Had no versus like me with the wedding planner. And she's like, What do you want your colors to be? I'm like, What do you mean, colors? She's like, Your colors? I'm like, why would I pick colors? You pick the colors. And she was like, like, you're the wedding planner. Like, I well, thank you. But like, I had nothing to do with any of that. it was right before I was about to get married. I'm standing with my dad, you know, in the little room, waiting to walk up the aisle. And Lisa Smith: It yours was gorgeous, yeah. Your wedding was so beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. Lisa Wilson: He we look out and we can see everybody and he literally turns to me and says, Lisa, if this is not what you want, we can leave. And I'm like, what? Like what? And he was like, if you don't want to get married, we can walk away right now. Like, you gotta want this. And I'm like, no, Dad, like I want to marry Doug. And he's like, Well, I'm glad you said that, but this isn't about me and what I want. And I just want to make sure you're good with this. And I just was like, how many. Lisa Smith: Love that. Mm. Lisa Wilson: Marriages would not have happened if their person walking you down the aisle gave you an out. Like probably at lock. Lisa Smith: I mean that I think it's I think it's a definitely a good practice for sure because I mean my goodness, you're seeing it more and more and more people canceling their wedding right before the wedding or not showing up or you know, a day before deciding that this just isn't for them. and so yeah, having that conversation and just being able to give yourself an out. I mean Lisa Wilson: Mm. Lisa Smith: Sometimes you can I think you can get mixed up no, I guess mixed up probably isn't the right word, but you can get caught up in the excitement of all the things. All you know, the planning and the parties and the everything and then Lisa Wilson: Mm. Lisa Smith: the planning of the actual wedding and then once there's a lot of money put down and things are paid for, I think people have a lot a ha a lot harder time backing out. So Lisa Wilson: Yeah. Well, there's the societal norms, there's the traditions and the attention. Like there is something intoxicating about being a bride and getting all this attention from everyone, you know? so you're an extrovert and I'm an introvert. And when people talk about companionship, friendship, like or letting like anyone even new into their lives, we're probably starting from like different places, clearly. Lisa Smith: Mm. Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm. Yeah. Okay, let's Lisa Wilson: So I'm gonna do pop quiz or fill in the blank. So the older I get, the less patience I have for. Lisa Smith: Mm-mm. Sharing, sharing anything. that is going to be something that I think I'll have a hard time with. and what I mean by that is like when you're in a relationship, you have to, you basically share everything, right? You share the sofa, you share your ice cream sometimes, you share the, you know, your the master bath, the Lisa Wilson: I love Everything. Mm. Lisa Smith: bedroom, the closet, you share everything. And the one thing that I think I have enjoyed is having my own space. So I would say sharing. Mm, okay. Lisa Wilson: Mine would be resistance. Just do what I fucking tell you to do. All right. If someone wants to be part of my life, they need to be okay with. Lisa Smith: Mm. Well, if somebody wanted to be a part of my life, they'd have to be okay with my child. I mean, that is he's my number one. Lisa Wilson: Yep, mine would be my sleep schedule. I'm not gonna stay up late for you. You're that's for your nighttime family. Okay. One thing I refuse to apologize for anymore is Lisa Smith: okay. No, just me. I refuse to apologize for me. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not that bad. Yay. Lisa Wilson: Same. Mm-hmm. I love that. This one's good. The hill I will die on is Lisa Smith: The hill I would die on is. I I wanna watch my T V shows. That is me. Like I don't I wanna be able to have my own personal space to watch what I wanna watch. A lot of years I spent not watching what I wanted to watch. There's a lot of football. Lisa Wilson: yeah. is again like I like what I like when I like it. And I will make room for you too, like with Doug, and of course I'm thinking of Doug, so we've been together for like 30 years. But you know, he makes room for all my stuff and I make room for all his stuff. And I think that's part of why we work. When someone else knew were to come into the equation, that would all change. And I won't do that. So the best thing another person has ever brought into my life is. Lisa Smith: Mm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, I do have to say I had some really good married years. And so I do want to thank my ex husband for that because he brought a lot of positive things into my life. And we started a family together, started a business together. Like there was a lot of really positive things. So yeah. Lisa Wilson: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mine is self-confidence. Doug is my biggest fan. He's also my biggest critic. So let's not give him too much credit. But he he's my biggest fan and my biggest critic. Lisa Smith: He is, he is. He adores you. He adores. Lisa Wilson: so what's thing I would the one thing I would have never done on my own is Lisa Smith: Without being in a relationship? Lisa Wilson: Mm, mhm. Lisa Smith: I would have never done on my own. my gosh. We took a lot of risks. buying a house at nineteen. I wouldn't have done that on my own. That is for sure. We had big goals and we achieved them together. Well, how about you? Lisa Wilson: Mm. Nice. A retirement plan. Cause again, if I were like my dad was very big about a man is not a financial plan. Like you and my mom, her she's famous for telling me like my Girl Scout meetings that like never depend on a man because he will leave you. Words Yeah, my brain was so forming. So it's no wonder I had a go back. Lisa Smith: yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm. When you're like eight? Your frontal lobe isn't even formed yet. Lisa Wilson: I'm coming up with plan B C D E. No wonder I had a go bag. But but you know, so they were very much into like, you know, the you are in control, like you have to contribute. You're in control of your own money. And but Doug was really like. Lisa Smith: Yeah. We know where that came from. Yeah. Yeah. Lisa Wilson: He was thinking way ahead, way before I was. So if it weren't for him, we would not have a retirement plan. What we would be wearing head to toe Christian Dior in a trailer, but if I was in charge, but we'd have no we'd have no retirement plan. Doug's the I mean, literally this morning I was thinking about this and I'm like, what am I bringing to the table? Lisa Smith: skin. Good for Doug. Ha What would if I were to ask Doug these questions, what would he say? Lisa Wilson: He would be like obligation, obligation, obligation. I'm like, I need we all love Doug, but I I need to up my game, I think, a little bit. but thinking about that, part of the reason I was thinking about it, I was like, okay, if Doug were to like decide to go live with his nighttime family permanently and Lisa Smith: Ha ha ha. We all love Doug. We all. Mm mm. Lisa Wilson: You know, I wasn't he wasn't part of the equation anymore if he passed away, Like what would I do? Like would I want another person? You know? And Lisa Smith: Yeah, that's a big question people are asking themselves today. Lisa Wilson: Like, are we better off alone? And for me, yes. Like, like I don't want another companion. Like I have friends. I'm financially independent. I own my own stuff. So what what would a partner bring to the table that I could bring by myself? Like. Lisa Smith: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm. Okay. Well, can I ask you a question? Why? It's a no. Is it a no because you don't want to replace Doug? You wouldn't want to replace Doug? Or is it a no because you just don't want to do it all over again? Okay. Lisa Wilson: Both. Like, I don't think I could replace Doug, number one. Like, like 30 years of your life with someone, like, and they're still hanging in there. It's gonna be the first time I throw a tantrum on new guy number two. He's gonna be like, I'm out. Lisa Smith: No, no but he's not but do you know what I Yeah. Yeah. Nobody would be ready for it. Lisa Wilson: The first time I slam the controller back, like, why isn't this working? He's gonna be like, and I'm gonna leave. and we're out. so that's that's part of it, but also like I just don't have a desire to have that, right? Like, I don't have a desire to have a companion. My companionship is from my friends, right? And I would also be really paranoid. Lisa Smith: And Mm. Mm. Yeah. Lisa Wilson: About letting anyone new, and we've talked about this, letting anyone new, even in my house. Like, I don't know you. Like, Lisa Smith: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I can see I can see your point for sure. I'm on the flip side of that though. I don't want to grow old alone. You know? I think I don't know for me. I think that I would yeah, I would like companionship. Lisa Wilson: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Lisa Smith: But on my terms and like is that even is that even possible anymore? Like do you have to be fifty fifty on the all the things? Like I'm pr I'm independent. You know I'm independent. You know that I do everything on my own. And I mean, that's fine. But I also know that I don't I don't know if I want to be alone forever. I don't know. Lisa Wilson: Okay. Mm. Mm-hmm. I mean, I'm not a relationship expert. Like so this is just my pure base instinct opinion on that. So I think that you get what you give. And if you find someone who likes you and is meant for you, they will make room for you. And you'll make room for them. Yeah. Lisa Smith: Mm-hmm. Yeah. And you'll make room for them, right? Yeah, which totally makes sense. Lisa Wilson: I don't believe it would be possible. I don't know if I'd want to. Like, and I'll tell you, like, I have a friend I was talking to about this. It's a lot of work and it's also a lot of vulnerability, which a street smart girl like myself is not really comfortable with that. but I was talking to my friend who has been single for a long time, well over 10 years, and she's dated sporadically, but like she's Lisa Smith: Like a lot of work. Mm, yeah. Mm. Lisa Wilson: Def she had a bad first marriage and was like, I'll never do this again. Like put herself in, you know, a vulnerable spot, ended up with two kids. And she's like, Never again. I'm never gonna get let someone put me in this position again. And when I was talking to her about this, she said, I think sometimes people just want like a witness to their daily lives. Like someone to talk to when they say, I had a bad day, or someone to care whether like your day was good or bad, or Lisa Smith: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Hm. Yeah, I can see that. I think that would be something that I would miss if I never had that again. is just that just yeah, just that partnership of like you know that somebody always has your back and you know that somebody is your biggest fan, right? That's a really good point. Lisa Wilson: Thank you. Lisa Smith: there's no expectation of having to solve it. It's just it can just be here's the day. Things are a little a little wacky or I'm so excited about this or whatever. And you can like share those moments, high or low. Yeah. I think I think that makes sense. Lisa Wilson: Yeah. And I and I think like for her, she does that with like me or with one of her other girlfriends. And for her, that's enough. But for some people, they just need that connection. it's not just about companionship, it's about context, right? And someone understanding why something is a big deal. Lisa Smith: Mm-hmm. Mm, okay. Lisa Wilson: Or someone understanding, like today just ran she sent me a picture today and I'm like, I don't know what this means. Is this good? Is this bad? Like, right? Lisa Smith: Well, because you don't have the backstory, right? And and and the history behind a situation that yeah, when you're in a relationship, those things form and it yeah, I get that. I absolutely get that. Lisa Wilson: Yeah. Yeah. I mean Doug literally got gossip and came running into the office. He's like, guess what? Lisa Smith: I love that Lisa Wilson: Here's my secret. Don't tell Doug anything. Lisa Smith: Wait to tell you, but that I love that because you yeah, those times where you can't wait to tell your partner the good news or you can't wait to share something exciting. I love that. Yeah. Lisa Wilson: Yep. Yeah. I and I think that's good too. you guys that are l whether you're listening to us on YouTube or watching us on YouTube or listening to us on Apple, we want a show of hands. Like, have you ever, and this is for you too, Lisa, have you ever fantasized about just like going into the I mean, we know that I have because I've already told this story, but going into the woods where there's no phone and Lisa Smith: Yeah. Hmm. Mm. Lisa Wilson: You it's a little cottage and it's just you and you get to just be by yourself all the time. Have you ever done that? Lisa Smith: I would never want to be by myself in a cottage in the woods, like ever. Lisa Wilson: There's a whole movement called the Swamp Witch era where like lots for me. I was like, keep talking. Can we do this in the city? Like, do I have to be in the woods? Because I don't like nature. My favorite part, my favorite part of going outdoors is going back indoors. I have a friend who this is, she talks about this. She's like, I'm gonna go and get get a Lisa Smith: No, no, no. No no thank you. Lisa Wilson: patch of land and it's gonna be in the woods where I can shoot my gun in any direction and I'm gonna have a farm where I grow my own vegetables. And in my head I'm like, and you're gonna have rats because that's who's gonna eat those vegetables. But like there's this whole thing where they like fantasize about it. But I don't I don't feel that way or like other than I very much like my alone time. Lisa Smith: No. Yeah, no. Mm mm. Mm mm. Yeah, I could see you like cottage dwelling for sure. If somebody delivered your groceries and like helped you cook meals or something like you need you you couldn't live in the co I can see you like vacationing maybe in a cottage, but not living in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. Lisa Wilson: Mm-hmm. No, no. I don't wanna live in but again, if I could swamp witch in in a condo in Miami, that I would do that. Like one time a friend said to me, She goes, Lisa, she goes, if anything happens to Doug, I'm worried you're gonna go into this like like hyper mole state where you don't ever talk to anybody and we never see you again. Lisa Smith: Yeah, that makes sense. I can see you doing that. Yeah. I mean I could also see that. I could also see that too. Yeah. Lisa Wilson: I'm like, maybe. Yeah. I So why do you think this question is coming up so much right now? Like there's a million quatrillion podcasts right now where all these women are talking about like, I'm done with men or I'm done with relationships and the swamp which thing that came out of that, right? Of people like just wanting to be left alone rather than get back into a relationship if they never ha if they were married and divorced or they just Lisa Smith: Mm. Yeah. Mm. Lisa Wilson: you know, got out of a long term relationship, but now suddenly they're like, never again. Why do you think that's resonating? Lisa Smith: Well, I mean I mean for the fr to be honest, I think I think people have gotten burned probably by previous relationships that give them PTSD, thinking about getting into that again and and h having a similar experience. I mean, I know plenty of people that that is their experience and and they just can't imagine imagine like going back in it. I also think that if you are not comfortable like online dating or, you know, things like that, you're just like, that just seems like a lot of work. Because think about it, a lot of people are not as social. I I don't know if they're as social as they used to be. Like where you would typically meet people. People aren't like they're online more, they're working from home or whatever that looks like. So I think it's coming up more and more because there's kind of a fear around it. There's also some wackos too that I mean, hi like one of our favorite podcasts like kind of makes me question all of my thoughts sometimes about strangers, right? So yeah. Lisa Wilson: So many wackos. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think it's it's it's scary. I mean, even so number I always say this like, where am I gonna like if I go to the club, they're gonna be like, what is someone's grandma doing here? Like, so that's out, right? So even if I wanted to meet people, and I think that's part of this, is that if I wanted to meet someone my own age, likelihood is they're looking for someone much younger. Lisa Smith: It's funny. Yeah. Yeah. Lisa Wilson: I don't have scientific facts to say that. I'm just gonna base that off of my life experience and of seeing people my age go the dudes date much younger if they become available. And you know, good for them. but it's it's just like, okay, if if I'm gonna go meet somebody and it's not gonna be on an app, where am I gonna meet them? Whole Foods? I mean. Lisa Smith: That's what I was just gonna say. Like I'd have to meet somebody at Smith's. Lisa Wilson: Imagine like Cruz and Smith for a date. Lisa Smith: Like I thought about this like as we were kind of talking about this episode and I thought about like yeah what that looks like and honestly Lisa it would have to be my local grocery store or like I'm just trying to think of like other places. I mean, honestly Lisa Wilson: I mean what where? You know? We don't go to work. So there's and there's a bunch of people out there that are all remote and we don't go into the office, so we're at home. So like and if some guy walked up to me in the grocery store, I'd assume he was trying to con me or steal something. Like Lisa Smith: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I I'd probably I probably wouldn't know what to do. Or I'd probably I pro yeah. Especially like living in this new town. It's like I don't you know, don't know anybody. Don't really know I don't really know a lot of places that Lisa Wilson: Mm. Lisa Smith: I don't know, Lisa. I see, I haven't even thought about it though. So Lisa Wilson: No. I mean, and that's the point. You, it's a choice. Like where you're at has been your choice versus I think, and this is gonna get real deep for a second, but I think getting married when we got married wasn't really our choice. I think it was a societal norm. And I think I got really lucky. You got lucky originally, you know, and then it ended. And there's people out there all the time that Lisa Smith: Yeah. I did. I did. Mm-hmm. Lisa Wilson: they're perfect or they're happy changes overnight for lots of different reasons and they find themselves asking themselves this question of like, do I want to do this all over again? And there are so many optimists that are like, Yes, that are like, I want to look, and there like I told you you guys remember the story about the TikTok Masseuse, right? The TikTok witch. Like Lisa Smith: Yeah. Hopeless romantics that just will just dive right back in. Yes. Lisa Wilson: There are more women out there like that that are just so desperate to be loved and to be seen and to be in a partnership that that's what it becomes all about. And I mean, we're not ever gonna be that way, right? And I I just I don't know. I just don't I don't see it that way. And like I see this whole movement of trad wives. And all I can think of is what are you gonna do when he picks someone else? Like you've made your whole life. Lisa Smith: Yeah. No. Lisa Wilson: No, and I don't, I'm not picking on trad wives, you guys. The the beauty about feminism is you get to pick the life for you. And if that is a life you want where you're taken care of and your job is at home, raising the family and all admirable, all admirable things. It's a hard ass job, a hundred percent. But I just like considering my parents, you know, I just like he's gonna leave you. Lisa Smith: No Mm-hmm. It's a hard job. It's definitely a hard job, yeah. So not taking anything away from it, but Mm. Lisa Wilson: That's not true, but like there's no plan. Lisa Smith: No, but no, but like I did I did like the stay at home wife thing for like a year and it was not great. I was not good at it at all. Because you never stop, especially if you have kids. Like you're constantly you're all day with with your children and then Lisa Wilson: Mm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Lisa Smith: When your significant other comes home, you know, there's an expectation that everything is perfect. Like, and I'm only speaking from from experience and maybe and and it's it's not, I'm not putting my ex-husband down, but I think it w there was like an e expectation of like you've been home all day. Like sh the house should be cle perfect, dinner should be ready. You know, you gotta think you're taking care of the kids morning. Tonight, sunup to sundown, you're doing the grocery shopping. A lot of times you're taking care of the finances, you're doing all of the housework. if anybody needs anything, appointments, just all the things you were never sitting down. And I remember that year, by the end of that year, I thought. Lisa Wilson: Mm. Lisa Smith: As much as I loved having the opportunity to to do that, because that was great, I left a very lucrative job to do that. I felt like I was kind of losing myself. And I kind of felt like I was, I was more tired than working a 60-hour work week at work and traveling like I did because I never got to shut off. So again, there's an expectation, I think, for stay-at-home moms that it sometimes is very, it's not realistic. long term. Lisa Wilson: Mm. yeah, no, and it's it's the expectation part that again, like when you let someone new into your life, you have to suss out what those expectations are with each other, right? I learned very early on, I was putting pressure on myself to do things because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Now 30 years later, I'm like, get your own dinner. I'm not your mom. Lisa Smith: Mm. Yeah, Mm. Ha ha ha Lisa Wilson: Make your own doctor appointment. You know. Lisa Smith: Well, yeah, but like you can if you don't have those conversations up front, it's really painful if you stumble through and and make make mistakes. Lisa Wilson: Hundred percent. so regardless of what your choices are, the fact that you have a choice, Lisa Smith: Mm-hmm. Lisa Wilson: high five to you, that's awesome. But if you had to high five something in your life right now, exactly as it is, what is your high five? Lisa Smith: that I have a Safe, nice home for ourselves. I do it on my own. And I I mean, I didn't ever think that I would maybe be independent at this level in my life, like in this at this time of my life. but I've built a lot of really good things, positive things for for for our family. So I am proud of that because I always thought I had to have a partner to do those things. And I rebuilt from zero Lisa Wilson: Yeah. Lisa Smith: I'm not sad about, I mean, have have there been some bumps in the road? Absolutely. But I landed on my feet each time. So I think I think that's what this whole experience has taught me is that I can do it and I can do it on my own because I never was alone. Like as long as I could remember, I was never alone. Mm-hmm. Lisa Wilson: Mm. We again when we stopped dating when we started like when we got committed, they didn't have cell phones, man. Lisa Smith: Yeah. No, we had to go to the payphone. Mm-hmm. For everything. Lisa Wilson: Like I literally had to I had to look up the other day. Someone had used the word hard launch. And I'm like, what are you talking about? They're like, our relationship hard launched. I'm like, what does that mean? And so I'm Googling it. And so hard launch means you talk about your relationship on Instagram or socials. And I'm like, yeah, I get no, like you post pictures of yourself as a couple, making it official. Lisa Smith: Yeah. okay. Like your relationship status? so it's like official. Lisa Wilson: I'm like, how do you guys like come up with this stuff? So Doug and I live complet we have totally different schedules. He does not go to bed until eleven or midnight. So we're on completely different schedules. So when we moved into our new house, and and he snores like bad, like someone sawing a log, like with bad snores. And I am someone that if I don't get my sleep, I lose my ever loving mind. I'm quick to flip tables if I don't get sleep. And I'm irrationally so. Like Lisa Smith: Hmm. Lisa Wilson: It has a big impact. So when we moved here, I was like, I'm just gonna go sleep in the other room because he was snoring one night, you know? Well, that became permanent. I moved everything into the other bedroom. I do not sleep in the same room as my husband. And it's weird, like how I feel. Sometimes I get embarrassed by that when people are like, they're not sleeping in the same room. It's like, no. Lisa Smith: No, that's actually a lot more common than I think people realize. Like I hear about it all the time. I hear about people doing that all the time. And if I think back Lisa Wilson: Mm. Lisa Smith: That would have been awesome. Could have watched whatever I wanted to watch on TV. If I wanted to leave the TV on all night. If I wanted to go to bed super early, I yeah. Lisa Wilson: It is awesome. Yep. It is a high five. And I think anyone out there that's struggling, like feeling like you need to stay in the same bed as your spouse or significant other or partner, you don't have to. If you got another bedroom, go sleep in it. It's amazing what it does. And like Lisa Smith: Mm-hmm. Gives you that separation too, where you're not feeling like you're I don't know. Lisa Wilson: Correct. I mean, because remember, Doug and I, we work together, we eat together, Like we're we're in the same space 247. And so for an introvert like me, sometimes like he's he's dreamy and I'm still like, ow. so I can just come to my bedroom and I'm like, all right, I'm gonna go to bed. He's like, well, the sun's still up. I'm like, yep, going to bed. Lisa Smith: Yeah. Lisa Wilson: And then I go to bed and there's no judgment. Like he is the bet like my partner is great. I'm very lucky. And I'm super grateful for that. But my high five, and I wanted to let everybody out there know you don't have to sleep in the same bed. If you have questions on that, put it in the chat. I'll be happy. I'll be happy to answer that. so maybe being better off alone isn't the question. Maybe it's maybe not right now is not the answer, right? We don't know. I mean. Lisa Smith: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm. Lisa Wilson: Ask us again in ten years? Right? Lisa Smith: I mean, I mean, maybe hopefully, hopefully I will have figured that out by then. But you know what? There's also there's also a movement too where people don't want to share their time. You know, like dating takes a lot of time. Like getting into a relationship, it's a commitment, right? And there's a lot of people that just are like, that sounds exhausting. Lisa Wilson: Mm mm. Lisa Smith: I don't even want to go there. So maybe if we also start breaking down some of those like fears of just automatically going, that just sounds terrible. I don't even want to try. You know what I mean? Because I think people make it so big that it's it becomes overwhelming. And then they're just like, well, that's awful. But I mean, we didn't have all these things to think about when we were. Lisa Wilson: Yes. Lisa Smith: teenagers falling in love. Like it wasn't even about, you know, you we weren't like checklist, checklist, checklist all the things. So honestly, exactly. Lisa Wilson: So It was goddamn Judy Bloom in my ear telling me if this guy didn't like me, I was a horrible toad. Goddamn her. It's the worst. Lisa Smith: You know what I mean? Like, if people would just go back to just like not putting so much expectation on every single conversation you have with someone and making it and then thinking that everyone's out to murder you, I think we would get somewhere. Maybe more people would get somewhere. as the way it's going now, our society is kind of looking like. Lisa Wilson: I really like Lisa Smith: Marriage is super optional, right? people are either marrying later in life or not marrying at all. you know, which is fine. That is absolutely fine. No judgment there. But eventually will there even be that need? I don't know. I don't know. Lisa Wilson: Mm. I don't know either. And but I think the key word is expectation. Like you, the fact if someone is telling you that you need to be married to do something, that's their expectation. It's not yours. And if you're somebody who is perfectly happy alone, then that's your thing. You don't have to be with somebody. But if you're somebody who thinks that's you need to be with someone else to complete your life, take it from us. That is not true. Lisa Smith: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. Lisa Wilson: Like I I don't think it's true. I mean, my parents there was no one for either one of them besides each other. But that doesn't mean that I'm gonna have that. I do have that with Doug, and I'm very lucky. My brothers both kind of found their partners in the same way, but like that doesn't mean anything. Like that's my point. It's like it it I I got one in a million shot and I struck gold. Lisa Smith: Yeah. Mm. Lisa Wilson: I'm very lucky. do I want to compromise? Like when people ask me, like, what is the secret to marriage? What is the secret to a long term relationship? I'm always like, it's compromise. Yes, you have to love the person, but love fades. Like it it does. Like you can love someone and not be in love with them, you know? And I think the reason that you can stay in a long term relationship is that you're willing to compromise on almost everything. Lisa Smith: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm. Yeah. I agree with that. Lisa Wilson: Like there is nothing that is just for you and what you want. It's always about the we and never about the me. Lisa Smith: And I think too, when you think about like what it would be like if you were to start over, like there's so probably so many things that you just wouldn't accept anymore. Right? Like, I think about it too. It's like, I I don't I wanna be able to, yeah, get up when I want to get up. I I mean, it's not like I sleep in. I never sleep in, but you know what I mean? Like Lisa Wilson: Hell no. But you have a routine. Lisa Smith: I have a routine. That's yeah, I have a routine and I and I really like my routine. and so I think that would be hard to start breaking it. But hey, look, I'm also not gonna ever say that I mean never say never, but I'm also not gonna say that I would never make space for someone either. Like I don't wanna put that out to the universe. But it's just Lisa Wilson: Yeah. You're fine if you do and you're fine if you don't. Lisa Smith: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm comfortable with who I am. And I don't think I could have said that ten years ago or whatever. years back. I don't think that I would have I would have said that. I I w always felt like I needed somebody, you know? Lisa Wilson: Yes. Preach. But I think I think what we've uncovered today is that it's it's that need to be in a relationship that kind of sometimes I think takes us off the rails. But if you're comfortable with yourself, then that need is really just about companionship and about sharing your life with someone. And that can look different for everyone. Lisa Smith: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I th absolutely. I think because I've had the opportunity to get to know myself better or what I want, what I will and will not accept, what boundaries I have, or whatever that looks like, I think I'll be a better partner. I wouldn't rewind, you know? So I I don't have any regrets at all. Lisa Wilson: Yeah. so that's why like I think if we're better off alone is the question for me, that answer is without Doug, a hundred percent yes. But for you, you're like, I don't I'm not ready to commit to either one yet. Like it depends on the person. Lisa Smith: Yeah, I mean it depends on the person. It depends on the stage in my life, I think. And it it's gonna depend on yeah, just the situation. It's I I haven't yeah, I think I think it's all gonna come down to To timing. Timing's everything. And I honestly think that there's there is somebody out there. I just haven't ran into them yet. but it's okay because I'm not in a rush. I'm in no rush. Lisa Wilson: Hundred percent. Well and if someone shows up with a mustache that looks like me, it's not me trying to like make him go on a date. Lisa Smith: I don't know. Lisa Wilson: so whether you are team companionship or team just leave me the hell alone, we want to hear from you. We want to hear what you guys think. Cause I know I'm thinking of a few specific people that I know listen to us every week that I'm sure have an opinion. So make sure you put it into the chat or message us on Instagram. Lisa Smith: Yeah. Yeah. Lisa Wilson: But let us know are you team companion or team leave me alone? I'd love, we would love to hear it. you guys make sure that you roll your shoulders back, unclench jaw, stay hydrated, and have a great week. Go high-five somebody. Thanks, guys. Bye. Lisa Smith: Bye.