Latest / Lately with Lexi / 29. Why Helping Less Is the Most Loving Thing You Can Do

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29. Why Helping Less Is the Most Loving Thing You Can Do · Lately with Lexi

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Human love is a business relationship.
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  SPEAKER_00: It says, I will love you if you do this and I will not if you don't.
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  Be the version of yourself that I'm comfortable with and I will
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  love you easily.
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  SPEAKER_00: Deviate from it and I will make loving you hard.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's human love for you.
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  Divine love,
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  on the other hand,
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  what in Sanskrit we call prima,
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  is like the sun.
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  SPEAKER_00: The sun doesn't decide who deserves light today.
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  SPEAKER_00: It shines on all of creation.
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  And today we're going to explore this deeper and dive into how
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  we can move beyond
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  SPEAKER_00: human love and into divine love.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Lately with Lexi,
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  SPEAKER_00: where I help wellness brands grow and spiritual seekers evolve.
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  SPEAKER_00: Every episode explores spiritual wisdom,
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  SPEAKER_00: business building,
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: or personal reflections from my life.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Come hang out as I share what I'm creating,
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  SPEAKER_00: learning,
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  SPEAKER_00: and navigating as a yogi,
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  SPEAKER_00: business consultant,
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  SPEAKER_00: healer,
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  SPEAKER_00: and entrepreneur.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you subscribe on Substack to never miss an episode.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now let's get into it.
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  SPEAKER_00: Most of us are practicing human love and calling it unconditional.
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  And the gap between those two things is where so much of our
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  suffering lives
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  SPEAKER_00: because even when we consciously know this,
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  SPEAKER_00: we forget.
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  Now,
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  I believe that it is all of our job to remember,
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  remember our true nature of divine love.
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  And we have to choose this remembering over and over again
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  until it becomes our
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  SPEAKER_00: default way of thinking,
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  SPEAKER_00: being,
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  SPEAKER_00: and operating.
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  One of my teachers,
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  Srimanti,
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  says something that stopped me the first time I heard it.
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  SPEAKER_00: She said, all events are neutral until perspective is applied.
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  SPEAKER_00: Here's what that means in practice.
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  SPEAKER_00: Whenever we meet someone,
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  SPEAKER_00: almost immediately,
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  SPEAKER_00: we begin to build a version of them inside of our own mind,
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  SPEAKER_00: a version based on our past experience,
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  SPEAKER_00: our desires,
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  SPEAKER_00: our fears,
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  SPEAKER_00: our needs,
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  SPEAKER_00: any unexamined assumptions about what we expect this person to be.
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  And then we respond to that version,
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  the one that we made up,
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  the one that we built.
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  And it's not necessarily the version of the person who's
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  actually standing right in front of us.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when this other person doesn't match the construct that we created,
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  SPEAKER_00: we feel something,
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  SPEAKER_00: sometimes disappointment,
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  SPEAKER_00: frustration,
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  SPEAKER_00: anger,
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  SPEAKER_00: and then we blame them for it.
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  SPEAKER_00: But it was never theirs in the first place.
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  SPEAKER_00: The projection was always ours to own.
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  SPEAKER_00: Carl Jung said,
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  everything that irritates us about others can actually lead us
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  to a deeper
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  SPEAKER_00: understanding of ourselves.
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  SPEAKER_00: He called this shadow projection,
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  SPEAKER_00: the parts of ourselves we haven't integrated,
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  SPEAKER_00: the unexamined fears,
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  SPEAKER_00: the unhealed wounds.
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  SPEAKER_00: And we often see them way more clearly in other people than in ourselves.
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  SPEAKER_00: Rumi echoed what A Course in Miracles teaches and put it this way,
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  SPEAKER_00: your task is not to seek for love,
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  but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself
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  that you have built
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  SPEAKER_00: against that love.
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  SPEAKER_00: We spend so much energy looking for love outside of ourselves,
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  SPEAKER_00: in someone else's behavior,
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  SPEAKER_00: in their actions,
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  SPEAKER_00: in another person's approval,
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  or even in someone's willingness to show up in the way that we
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  need them to.
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  SPEAKER_00: Rumi is telling us to turn our focus around.
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  SPEAKER_00: The barriers to love aren't in the other person.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're always within us.
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  SPEAKER_00: Think about a time that you were right in an argument with your partner.
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  You can have 10 friends validating every word of your
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  perspective and still be
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  powerless because the only mechanism you can ever actually
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  shift is within your own
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  SPEAKER_00: being.
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  And when you are energetically entangled with someone and
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  projecting blame onto
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  SPEAKER_00: them,
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  SPEAKER_00: that isn't their work.
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  SPEAKER_00: It is yours.
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  When I stopped trying to rearrange or control my partner's life
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  to make me more
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  SPEAKER_00: comfortable,
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  SPEAKER_00: when I turn the gaze inward instead,
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  that personal responsibility gives me all of the power to
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  change my relationship to
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  SPEAKER_00: how I respond.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is the Jedi move.
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  SPEAKER_00: Once you understand that,
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  you're ready to look at two very different operating systems
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  love can run on,
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  SPEAKER_00: human love and divine love that I mentioned earlier.
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  Understanding and applying the differences between these two
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  things are what help
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  us let go of trying to control our relationships and create
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  space for the divine to
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  SPEAKER_00: work through us and your partner.
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  SPEAKER_00: By nature, human love is transactional.
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  SPEAKER_00: It is not always conscious, not always cruel, but it has terms.
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  SPEAKER_00: Human love says,
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  SPEAKER_00: I will love you if you make financially sound decisions,
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  SPEAKER_00: or I will love you if you choose the path that I would choose for you.
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  SPEAKER_00: It says, I will love you if you need me in the way that I need you.
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  SPEAKER_00: And underneath these hidden terms is fear.
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  SPEAKER_00: Fear that if someone doesn't perform correctly, we feel threatened.
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  Now the perspective in Kundalini Yoga says that the highest
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  form of yoga is relationship.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is the
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  the biggest opportunity that all of us have in our lives to
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  truly meet the divine.
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  And I think it's because relationships can be very triggering
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  and challenging.
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  And it's something that most of us were not taught how to
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  navigate consciously.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be real with you guys.
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  SPEAKER_00: My partner and I have navigated a lot of uncertainty together,
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  SPEAKER_00: multiple moves across the country to different countries,
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  SPEAKER_00: losing jobs,
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  SPEAKER_00: businesses that started and closed.
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  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you, fear gets very creative in that kind of terrain.
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  At times,
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  fear can even start to look a whole lot like love,
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  or so we think.
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  We might start giving unsolicited advice or suggestions from
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  this place of,
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  SPEAKER_00: well,
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  SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to support you.
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  SPEAKER_00: I just want to help.
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  SPEAKER_00: I want what's best for you.
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  SPEAKER_00: But instead of giving the other person the own
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  time and space for them to truly tap into their heart and what
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  the divine wants of
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  SPEAKER_00: them were intervening.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now,
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  SPEAKER_00: listen,
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  this is a lifelong lesson for me and probably all of us that
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  trying to help someone
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  SPEAKER_00: without being asked,
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  SPEAKER_00: it's not helping.
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  It communicates something at a frequency level beneath all of
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  the good intentions.
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  SPEAKER_00: It says, I don't trust what's working through you.
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  SPEAKER_00: And then what happens?
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  SPEAKER_00: Well, our partner becomes paralyzed.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're more dependent on our opinion.
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  Maybe they pull away entirely and they're not trusting
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  themselves anymore.
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  SPEAKER_00: The more responsibility that you take for somebody else's path,
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  the more you deprive them of the self-trust that they need in
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  order to walk through
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  SPEAKER_00: whatever it is that they're navigating.
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  SPEAKER_00: The goal is to love in a way where the other person feels free.
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  SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself, how often does your love create freedom in your partner?
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  SPEAKER_00: Or does it create obligation,
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  SPEAKER_00: a quiet pressure to be a certain way,
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  SPEAKER_00: to make certain choices,
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  SPEAKER_00: or to perform in a direction that makes you more comfortable?
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  SPEAKER_00: Divine love doesn't require performance.
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  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have terms.
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  It sees the divine already moving through the other person
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  fully and completely.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now this leads us to bhakti and prima.
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  SPEAKER_00: These are not concepts that I hold intellectually.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're a practice that I return to,
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  SPEAKER_00: that we all have to return to,
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  especially in the moments when fear is loud or judgment is
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  strong or control is
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  SPEAKER_00: something we're wanting to grasp for a sense of
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  SPEAKER_00: They're a practice I return to,
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  especially in the moments when fear is loud and the urge to
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  control is strong.
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  SPEAKER_00: Let me share this teaching with you,
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  and then I want to share what it looks like inside of a real
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  relationship.
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  So bhakti is often translated as devotion,
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  but it's so much more than that.
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  SPEAKER_00: Bhakti is an orientation of the heart towards the sacred in all of life.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's not religious in a dogmatic sense,
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  SPEAKER_00: but a recognition that the divine is not separate from life.
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  SPEAKER_00: It is moving through all of life,
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  SPEAKER_00: through every person,
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  SPEAKER_00: every situation,
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  SPEAKER_00: even the ones that make no sense to you,
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  SPEAKER_00: even in the ones that scare you.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when you relate to someone through bhakti,
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  SPEAKER_00: you are recognizing God in them,
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  SPEAKER_00: not the version of them that you need them to be.
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  SPEAKER_00: The one navigating their own path,
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  SPEAKER_00: making their own choices,
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  SPEAKER_00: living their own unfolding as God would have it be.
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  SPEAKER_00: Then we have prima.
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  Prima is the love that flows from that recognition,
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  from bhakti,
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  that divine love.
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  It's love that doesn't require the other person to be anything
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  other than what they
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  SPEAKER_00: are right now.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because Prema sees the divine that's already present in them.
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  And here's what this has looked like for me and my partner for
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  almost five years.
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  SPEAKER_00: There are moments around finances,
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  SPEAKER_00: our careers,
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  SPEAKER_00: our families,
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  SPEAKER_00: building our unconventional life together.
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  SPEAKER_00: where fear will come in and want to take over.
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  SPEAKER_00: We start to intellectualize or overanalyze our partner.
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  SPEAKER_00: We offer unsolicited advice.
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  SPEAKER_00: We think out of love, but it's often actually out of fear.
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  SPEAKER_00: Suggestions start pouring out of us on autopilot.
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  SPEAKER_00: Have you thought of this?
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  SPEAKER_00: Have you tried this?
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  SPEAKER_00: What about this?
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  SPEAKER_00: Sound familiar?
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  The problem here is that these suggestions aren't leaving room
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  for the divine to
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  SPEAKER_00: work through them.
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  SPEAKER_00: Our prayer must become, I release you to your life.
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  And I trust the divine is working through you far greater than
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  I could ever know how.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now, releasing someone is not abandoning them.
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  SPEAKER_00: It is saying, I trust the sacred that is working through you.
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  SPEAKER_00: I trust that your unfolding is divine.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is what love looks like when it's not afraid.
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  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing that brings all of this together,
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  SPEAKER_00: because none of this is actually about the other person.
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  SPEAKER_00: It never was.
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  The real work,
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  the only work you ever truly have full access to is happening
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  within yourself.
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  SPEAKER_00: Listen, y'all, the spiritual path is a solo journey.
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  SPEAKER_00: There's no way around it.
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  SPEAKER_00: It is us at the end of the road alone.
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  SPEAKER_00: Okay, a little morbid, I know, but here's the beauty in it.
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  We do not need our partners,
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  our families,
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  our closest friends to be on the same path as us.
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  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to be at the same stage as us.
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  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to be making the same choices as us.
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  SPEAKER_00: And they don't even need to self-realize with us.
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  SPEAKER_00: Ram Dass said the spiritual journey is individual and highly personal.
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  SPEAKER_00: It can't be organized or regulated.
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  SPEAKER_00: It isn't true that everyone should follow one path.
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  SPEAKER_00: Listen to your own truth.
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  SPEAKER_00: And listen,
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  SPEAKER_00: no one is coming to do this work for you,
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  SPEAKER_00: not your partner,
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  SPEAKER_00: not your teacher,
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  SPEAKER_00: not your community.
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  SPEAKER_00: The path goes inward.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that is where the real work is.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is where freedom lies.
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  It's always within ourselves,
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  regardless of the relationships we're in and
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  SPEAKER_00: the life experiences we are having,
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  SPEAKER_00: the opportunity,
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  SPEAKER_00: no matter what is going on externally,
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  is to come back inside of ourselves and cultivate that inner
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  connection to
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  SPEAKER_00: divinity,
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  SPEAKER_00: to experience that remembering so that we can share that with the world.
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  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing,
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  SPEAKER_00: when you are entangled with someone energetically,
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  SPEAKER_00: measuring your peace by their choices,
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  SPEAKER_00: projecting blame,
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  SPEAKER_00: trying to manage their path,
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  SPEAKER_00: you are not in your own energy.
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  SPEAKER_00: You're living in theirs.
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  And what looks like love from the outside is often a way of
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  avoiding the one
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  SPEAKER_00: relationship you have complete and total access to,
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  SPEAKER_00: the one with yourself and God.
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  Being in right relationship with others begins with being in
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  right relationship with yourself.
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  SPEAKER_00: When you become the frequency of love,
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  SPEAKER_00: not just as a concept but in your body,
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  SPEAKER_00: your nervous system and the way you hold yourself in a room,
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  SPEAKER_00: you stop needing others to perform love back at you.
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  SPEAKER_00: you begin to effortlessly hold more space.
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  You have greater capacity and you affect the field in a way
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  that actually opens
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  SPEAKER_00: other people up,
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  SPEAKER_00: not by pushing,
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  SPEAKER_00: not by correcting,
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  SPEAKER_00: but just by being.
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  The solution always resides within your own being,
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  no matter how right you are.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is the Jedi move.
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  SPEAKER_00: Turning inward instead of rearranging the external,
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  SPEAKER_00: taking radical responsibility for your own inner experience,
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  releasing others to their own lives and trusting the divine is
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  moving through them.
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  SPEAKER_00: And this teaching isn't a one-time realization, it's a practice.
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  SPEAKER_00: And like many of our yogic practices, it starts with awareness.
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  SPEAKER_00: So start here.
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  SPEAKER_00: Look at the relationships in your life where there's friction,
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  SPEAKER_00: where something feels hard,
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  SPEAKER_00: stuck,
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  SPEAKER_00: or charged,
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  SPEAKER_00: and ask yourself,
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  SPEAKER_00: where are you inserting yourself into someone else's path?
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  SPEAKER_00: And what fear is underneath that impulse?
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  SPEAKER_00: Because I promise you, there is almost always fear underneath it.
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  SPEAKER_00: We may think, well, if I don't intervene, something will go wrong.
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  SPEAKER_00: If I let go, I lose control.
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  SPEAKER_00: If I trust them completely, what does that mean for my role?
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  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself space to let this fear be visible.
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  SPEAKER_00: Notice when your peace depends on another person's choice,
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  SPEAKER_00: when your inner state rises and falls based on what they do or don't do.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is the signal.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not a signal that they're doing something wrong,
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  SPEAKER_00: a signal that you have drifted from your own center.
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  SPEAKER_00: That is the invitation to come back home to yourself.
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  SPEAKER_00: When you are rooted in divine love,
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  you stop needing the people around you to perform a certain way
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  for you to feel
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  SPEAKER_00: okay.
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  SPEAKER_00: You can create more beauty.
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  You affect the field in a way that no amount of advice or
• 13:34
  correction ever could.
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  That is prima and bhakti in practice,
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  being in loving trust,
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  surrender,
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  and devotion to God.
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  SPEAKER_00: And in my opinion, that is the most important work that we will ever do.
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  SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself, where can I lean into divine love?
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  What can I let go of within another person whom I love so that
• 13:57
  they can access the
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: divine and have that shine through them?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for listening to Lately with Lexi.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode resonated, I would love to hear from you.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Leave a comment below, write a review on Spotify or Apple.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: It helps me reach more people who need to hear this.
• 14:15
  And if you want to book a one-on-one intuitive reading or
• 14:18
  energy healing session,
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: the links to work with me are in the show notes below.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: I will see you in the next episode.