Latest / Daily Influence / 815. The Cost of Avoiding Hard Conversations: When Empathy Becomes Avoidance

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815. The Cost of Avoiding Hard Conversations: When Empathy Becomes Avoidance · Daily Influence

• 0:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to Daily Influence, your daily dose of positive influence.
• 0:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Brian Smith founder of IA Business Advisors and co-author of the Iain team series.
• 0:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Each day we share stories and insights to help you find be and build your influence in a positive and responsible way.
• 0:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm Greg Clino, partner at IA Business Advisors, and co-host of Daily Influence.
• 0:32
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• 0:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hey everybody, Brian Smith here with the iM team series and your daily influence and you know we spend a lot of time talking about listening empathy creating psychological safety giving people ownership and allowing them the opportunity to grow but valuing someone does not.
• 1:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: mean avoiding a difficult conversation with them.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: In fact, sometimes the difficult conversation is the clearest evidence that you actually do value them.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think one of the least responsible things a leader can do is allow discomfort today to become somebody else's problem tomorrow.
• 1:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: And yet, we do it all the time.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: We tell ourselves we're the impatient, we're giving someone another chance, we're trying to be empathetic.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: we're just waiting for the right time, but while we're waiting, the issue doesn't usually disappear, it actually grows.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: So today I'm going to talk about the cost of avoiding hard conversations.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: And my positive and responsible influence sometimes requires us to be willing to
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  [SPEAKER_01]: to be uncomfortable.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Most leaders don't wake up and decide, you know, I'm going to ignore a problem, any particular problem.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Instead, we rationalize our avoidance, you know, maybe they're going through something personally.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they'll figure it out.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe I haven't given them enough time.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe bringing this up right now will hurt morale.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, sometimes
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Context matters, empathy matters, but understanding what someone's experience matters too.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Empathy without accountability can eventually become an abling, and there's an important distinction between giving someone grace, and withholding information they need in order to improve.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: If I see something affecting your performance, your relationships, the organization or the people around you, and I don't tell you because I don't want to have an uncomfortable conversation.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: who am I actually protecting?
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Probably myself.
• 2:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Positive influence isn't simply about making people feel good.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: It's about helping create conditions where people can become better.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes that means encouragement.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes that means listenings and sometimes that means saying something that neither of us particularly wants to hear or say.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Think about what happens when we avoid a
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  [SPEAKER_01]: A performance problem becomes a consistency problem.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: A consistency problem becomes an accountability problem.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: And an accountability problem becomes a culture problem.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: And eventually, everyone else begins noticing something the leader has already noticed.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: But as an addressed, now we've created another issue.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Credibility, people begin asking, why is this allowed?
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  [SPEAKER_01]: That's where avoiding one comfortable conversation with one person can begin negatively influencing an entire team.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: This is why communication and accountability have to work together.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Smart expectations help us here because specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely expectations remove some of the ambiguity that make these conversations harder than they need to be.
• 4:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: instead of saying you need to do better.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: We can identify what specifically isn't working, what the expectation is, how will measure improvement, whether that expectation is attainable and relevant, and when we need to see change.
• 4:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now we're not attacking the individual, we're addressing the behavior, expectation, or outcome.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: That's a much healthier conversation and a much more responsible use of our influence.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: and look timing matters.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Not because there's ever going to be a perfect time for a difficult conversation, there probably isn't.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: timing matters because the earlier we communicate clearly, the more choices the other person still has.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: If I wait six months to tell you about something I've been seen for six months, I've already taken away six months you could have used to address it.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: that's not fair to you.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: It's also why hard conversations shouldn't automatically be viewed as confrontations.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Approach correctly their opportunities for alignment.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: here's what I'm seeing.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Here's why it matters.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Here's what I need from you.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: And importantly, what are you seeing that I might be missing?
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Because responsible influence also requires humility.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: I might not have the whole story.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: The goal isn't to prove that I'm right.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: The goal is to create clarity so that both of us can determine what needs to happen next.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: When people know where they stand, understand what's expected, and have an opportunity to respond, we give them ownership.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: And isn't that what we've been talking about?
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Ownership isn't just giving people authority when everything is going well.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: It's also giving them the truth when something isn't.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: So here's what I'd ask you to think about today.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: What conversations are you avoiding?
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  [SPEAKER_01]: And maybe more importantly, why are you avoiding them?
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Are you actually giving someone grace and time to grow or are you postponing your own discomfort?
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Because there's a difference.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Our influence is always on.
• 6:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when we're in positions of leadership, silence influences people too.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes the most positive thing we can do is encourage someone.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes it's listening.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes it's giving someone another opportunity.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes responsible influence means caring enough about someone to have the conversation we'd rather avoid.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Don't allow your discomfort today to become somebody else's problem tomorrow.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Find your influence, be the influence, and build your influence.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm Brian Smith, here with the Iron Team series and your daily influence.
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  [SPEAKER_01]: Join us every day.