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Sober Talk SA - Heidi · Sober Talk SA

• 0:00
  Welcome to Sober Talk. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
• 0:04
  Soap dear. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
• 0:08
  If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
• 0:11
  call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
• 0:17
  I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
• 0:24
  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
• 0:27
  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
• 0:29
  fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
• 0:33
  with each other that they may solve their common problems, and
• 0:37
  help with us to recover from alcoholism.
• 0:40
  The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop
• 0:43
  drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
• 0:46
  We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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  He is not alive with any sect, denomination, politics,
• 0:54
  organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
• 0:58
  controversy, either endorses or oppose any causes.
• 1:03
  Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help.
• 1:06
  Other Alcoholics are chiefs of Brady.
• 1:09
  Hi, my name is Heidi. I'm an alcoholic.
• 1:11
  Kyle, thanks to the group for asking me to share.
• 1:14
  And yeah, it's a, it's a honour actually.
• 1:17
  So a bit about me first drink was when I was six years old
• 1:24
  with my dad on a houseboat. My mum and dad split when I was
• 1:28
  3 and my mum came to the Adelaide and my dad stayed in
• 1:33
  the Riverland. I was born in Bamera and and
• 1:36
  there's always alcohol around like grapes and wine and and
• 1:40
  houseboat. And I remember this first drink
• 1:42
  because my dad went to fix the engine and he had a long neck, a
• 1:46
  beer on the table. And I actually remember thinking
• 1:48
  consciously, if I mix that with lemonade, I won't get drunk.
• 1:51
  And I got very drunk and I had a hangover for three days because
• 1:55
  I was quite young. And and I picked up my first
• 1:58
  resentment because I remember lopsidedly walking down the
• 2:01
  hallway of the houseboat and seeing my dad laugh at me and I,
• 2:04
  And that was my first, yeah, resentment.
• 2:07
  And I lived on and drank on that for a long time.
• 2:10
  I continued to drink, you know, like Nan would ask for a nipper
• 2:13
  port or something. And I'm like, I'll do it.
• 2:15
  And one for me and one for her and yeah, my cousin would ask
• 2:19
  for alcohol. He'd get a point blank no from
• 2:21
  his mum and I'd say can I have one?
• 2:23
  And I'd get Yep. So I'd get a little bit of this
• 2:25
  and a little bit of that. And, and it was, it was the
• 2:27
  effect. It was definitely not the taste.
• 2:31
  Cigarettes at 11. I was very, there was a girl at
• 2:35
  the Kingston on Murray Motel that would nick them from the
• 2:38
  hotel rooms and then we'd go smoke them under the bridge.
• 2:41
  And I clearly I remember that like it was kind of like that
• 2:43
  rush of adrenaline as well because you're being naughty and
• 2:46
  and I was too fearful to not participate with a couple of
• 2:50
  boys in her and I had a crush on a boy and he and trying to
• 2:54
  impress. And and I'm clearly I remember
• 2:56
  like the trucks going over the bridge.
• 2:58
  Like it was all this like it was a kind of exhilarating and a bit
• 3:01
  dangerous and fast for a little bit like 14.
• 3:05
  I picked up marijuana and I had a very good argument for smoking
• 3:10
  that and I was going to continue to smoke it because I, my mum,
• 3:15
  no, she was studying law. So she became a lawyer and I
• 3:18
  came up with a very good argument.
• 3:20
  I said, well, I was allowed to smoke it and you are not going
• 3:22
  to stop me. After she'd found out that I had
• 3:25
  and, you know, stormed off to my room, slammed the door as a
• 3:28
  teenager and knock, knock on the door and all right, you can
• 3:31
  smoke it at home. These are the rules.
• 3:33
  Because she was more fearful of me going out and doing it
• 3:37
  without any sort of, I don't know, like limitations, safety.
• 3:41
  And yeah, we lived down in the port.
• 3:42
  I would, yeah, I was definitely out in the port in certain
• 3:45
  nights. So that was, that was a lot of
• 3:49
  fun for a period of time. And then, you know, like the,
• 3:53
  the marijuana wasn't the best so for me because I became
• 3:56
  extremely paranoid and palpitations and didn't enjoy
• 4:00
  that experience at all. And then I tried to control it
• 4:03
  with the alcohol. So you mix it with certain
• 4:05
  things and that was not good either.
• 4:08
  And but the drinking really kicked off, you know, 161718 and
• 4:12
  Fast forward. Yeah.
• 4:14
  And like, I didn't have a purpose.
• 4:16
  My purpose was to drink and get drunk.
• 4:18
  That was sole purpose in life. And, you know, friends were off
• 4:21
  going to university and I was like, I'm not going to go to uni
• 4:24
  because I'm going to get a bar debt and a hex debt.
• 4:27
  I don't need a hex debt. I'll just get the bar debt.
• 4:30
  Like that's all I really wanted. So I'm the type of alcoholic
• 4:35
  that will, you know, drink and drive.
• 4:37
  I've lost my license. Not proud to say it.
• 4:39
  Thank God no one got killed. I will go to the pub and I will
• 4:43
  lose friends and make new friends and lose cars.
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  I'll lose myself. I'll lose my dignity.
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  I don't have any self esteem. I thought self esteem came in a
• 4:52
  bottle. I like the men at the end of the
• 4:55
  bar that have the big grey coats and this like 3 day growth and,
• 4:58
  you know, don't want to talk to anyone because they're my type
• 5:01
  of drinker. And yeah, I remember like
• 5:03
  friends just sitting there with a sunglass of wine and I'm like,
• 5:05
  what are you doing? Like I'm, I'm, I'm the type of
• 5:09
  alcoholic that will go around the pub and flick out the Ziggy
• 5:12
  butt and drink all the leftovers.
• 5:13
  Like I, I want it. And I don't ever remember having
• 5:17
  one drink. That's just does not make sense
• 5:19
  to me at all. And it's still today.
• 5:21
  Just that does not compute in my sight.
• 5:23
  Like my being one. Why would you bother?
• 5:28
  So yeah, I'm not nice when I drink.
• 5:31
  I've become verbally aggressive. I try and drag people into the
• 5:36
  car with me. Like, come on, I'm driving.
• 5:38
  Like I'm. I'm reckless, dangerous,
• 5:40
  disrespectful. I've got a mouth on me.
• 5:42
  I'll tell you what I think. And, and I wake up the next day
• 5:45
  with that like, regret, shame, remorse, guilt.
• 5:49
  Why did I, where am I? Who are you?
• 5:51
  Get out of my bed? Like just all that sort of
• 5:53
  stuff. And, and not even knowing how to
• 5:55
  get out of it and always repeating it and then saying to
• 5:58
  myself, I'm not going to do that.
• 6:00
  I'm gonna, I'm gonna, gonna, gonna, oh, there's always a
• 6:02
  gonna, it's gonna be different next weekend.
• 6:05
  I'm gonna drink the white wine with the red wine 1st and then
• 6:08
  that'll be OK. And always looking to control.
• 6:11
  And I didn't know all that stuff till I came to obviously a
• 6:13
  tourist fellowship. But I had an obsession, you
• 6:16
  know, And I honestly, on reflection, I think the only
• 6:20
  time I wasn't drinking was, funnily enough, volunteering for
• 6:23
  a group of like Baptist Care used to do like these camps for
• 6:27
  people with drug and alcohol problems.
• 6:29
  And I was like a volunteer leader.
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  And now I think they were the only weekends I was sober in
• 6:34
  most of my growing up, you know. And I remember being on one of
• 6:37
  the camps actually, and volunteer like the leader of it
• 6:40
  all, the paid woman group organisers.
• 6:43
  I said to her, I feel like I need to be in the back
• 6:45
  sometimes. And she was like, really?
• 6:47
  And I'm like, yeah, I do. So I was consciously aware that
• 6:50
  something was wrong with me, but I didn't know exactly what
• 6:52
  except there was something wrong with me.
• 6:55
  I went overseas when I was in 24, you know, because I was
• 6:57
  always going to be opposite to my mom.
• 6:59
  Like she, you know, my mom has fear around stuff.
• 7:01
  So so she and regrets. So she didn't go overseas.
• 7:03
  She got married instead. And so I was like, right, I'm
• 7:05
  going to go overseas. And she couldn't do that big
• 7:08
  roundabout out Britannia roundabout or whatever it is too
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  frightened. So I made sure I cycled around
• 7:12
  it like I was always going to try and be better than her and
• 7:15
  or not have regret. So I went overseas and wherever
• 7:19
  I go I'll find alcohol point blank.
• 7:21
  I've drunk in Coober Pedy, Darwin, Edinburgh, Scotland.
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  It's like London doesn't matter lads Bay.
• 7:26
  Like wherever I go I'll find alcohol.
• 7:28
  And if you don't drink a lot with like me, I'll drink by
• 7:32
  myself, thanks. Like I'm quite happy to take
• 7:33
  myself away and hide. So yeah, it's not, it's not
• 7:38
  good. Like in my 20s and only recently
• 7:42
  sort of found this out, but I binge drinking and, you know,
• 7:47
  like, because I'm not alcoholic, because I'm blonde and like, but
• 7:50
  that's a, that's a card that gets you a free alcohol
• 7:53
  sometimes. And going out for me with $5 was
• 7:56
  better than going out with 50 because I can just, I get, I can
• 7:58
  get, get alcohol, you know. And yeah, in my 20s, I was binge
• 8:03
  drinking at a festival and ended up with a heartbeat of 220 beats
• 8:07
  per minute after three days of drinking cider and cigarettes.
• 8:11
  And I was hanging out with some nurses and I'm like on the sun.
• 8:13
  And I'm like, I don't feel right.
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  And they're like, Nah, I have another cider.
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  And I'm like, no, I do not feel right.
• 8:19
  Right. And I sit down in the tent and
• 8:22
  the little whatever thermometer, sort of like bit heartbeat
• 8:26
  thing, monitor goes on my finger.
• 8:27
  And he goes, oh, and I went, oh, and he goes, what have you had?
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  And I'm like, he's like Grana speed.
• 8:32
  And I'm like, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, cider and cigarettes.
• 8:35
  And because I was falling over in the shower, like it was
• 8:38
  anyway, he's like, oh, we might get you off to the hospital.
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  And the doctor was called Doctor Wildman.
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  And I thought, you've got no idea.
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  Like I just, you know, like I was like on my, I even then I
• 8:49
  was kind of like sort of semi proud of it.
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  It was kind of like a weird twisted way of being sick, like
• 8:53
  really sick. And there's the heart monitor,
• 8:56
  you know, like I could see it and it was off the charts.
• 8:58
  I've still got the ECG at home and I've got a a rhythmic heart,
• 9:02
  like a a regular heartbeat, but probably because of that.
• 9:05
  But that didn't stop me drinking like I was overseas and you
• 9:07
  know, the heart condition and even probably not so much in the
• 9:11
  last decade, but even at some points I'd be lying on the
• 9:15
  couch, not even had had a drink. This is in recovered like
• 9:18
  sobriety. And the heart would just kick in
• 9:20
  like bang, like palpitations would start.
• 9:22
  And I feel like it's still not trying to catch up on all that
• 9:25
  drink. Like, I don't know what that is,
• 9:26
  but it's yeah, it's not healthy. But that stuff didn't scare me
• 9:30
  losing the license. It's all like just didn't care
• 9:33
  and anyway, keep going, don't you?
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  And then, I don't know at some point, but at some point I got
• 9:40
  pretty sick and tired. So I had a relationship where I
• 9:43
  was drinking a lot. I used to go out with some
• 9:46
  people, family friend and they were in a different fellowship,
• 9:50
  but they were all clean and sober.
• 9:52
  And we used to go tree planting and I would have been about 1920
• 9:55
  and I'd go hungover planting trees out at Strath and they're
• 9:59
  like, how are you Hardy? And I'm like whatever.
• 10:02
  And like digging holes and, and I knew they were clean and
• 10:04
  sober, but I was like, I didn't like they all looked happy, but
• 10:08
  I wasn't, well, I wasn't there yet like 19.
• 10:11
  I was definitely not ready. Anyway, Fast forward and one of
• 10:15
  those people who's a member took me to my first meeting 2007.
• 10:22
  So I was in a meeting in Byron Place in the city and it was a
• 10:24
  Saturday night and I was a massive mating and I'm sitting
• 10:28
  there thinking what am I doing here?
• 10:29
  Like I thought I'm here to help him.
• 10:31
  Like that's how much I was, I don't know.
• 10:34
  And the whole time my head's just going pub, pub, pub, pub,
• 10:36
  pub, pub, pub, pub. Because I knew someone who'd
• 10:38
  lived off of Randall St. and I didn't remember hearing
• 10:42
  anything. And I was like, and I knew it
• 10:43
  was all or nothing, like the abstinence and I knew they were
• 10:46
  kind and sober. And I was like, Nah, Nah, I do
• 10:49
  not want this. I wasn't ready for it because
• 10:51
  I'm all or nothing as well. So I left there and I was like,
• 10:54
  no thanks. And I did.
• 10:56
  I think I went to run the street that night, can't really
• 10:57
  remember. But my drinking took on new
• 11:01
  limits and I don't know if you've had this experience of
• 11:04
  drinking against or drinking and acting out against my will.
• 11:07
  And that like was horrible. The relationship I was in ended.
• 11:11
  He was the one I was going to babies with him.
• 11:13
  And anyway here now I'm going to live in Darwin and I continue to
• 11:18
  think that I'll move to Darwin. Like we split and so I moved to
• 11:22
  Darwin and that's when my drinking like there's a bit in
• 11:26
  the big book and it says like Bill writes, I had arrived and I
• 11:29
  felt like I had arrived and I was very skinny and I was
• 11:33
  sturdy. I was going out to nightclubs, I
• 11:36
  was drinking and doing things against my we was working at the
• 11:38
  UNI, Charles Darwin uni. I was, I had a side job of
• 11:42
  babysitting 8 kids to get extra money for drinking.
• 11:46
  They were nuts. Oh God, that was horrible.
• 11:49
  And but I wanted that 50 bucks so bad to drink because I didn't
• 11:52
  have the no manageability like no, that money, I needed that on
• 11:57
  the Thursday night. Like that was my drink at Humpty
• 11:59
  do like it was all I was mouthing off at people.
• 12:02
  I was drinking alone. I was doing a painting with A
• 12:04
  girl with a gun to her head like I was, I was in a pretty dark
• 12:07
  place and really unhappy. And there were beer cans rolling
• 12:12
  around in the bottom of the car and it was not good.
• 12:15
  And I woke up 1 morning like I had a photon mattress on the
• 12:18
  floor. And, you know, just some things
• 12:20
  that I've travelled up with. And this voice said to me, is
• 12:24
  this it? Is this what you want for the
• 12:25
  rest of your life? And it was a really quiet male
• 12:27
  voice, like just to the right of my ear.
• 12:30
  And today I can say that's God. It was definitely God's voice to
• 12:32
  me. But back then, no idea what that
• 12:35
  was. And I was like, no, this is not
• 12:37
  it. This is not what I want for the
• 12:39
  rest of my life. Like I was desperately,
• 12:41
  desperately unhappy. Like it was like I felt
• 12:45
  destroyed, like my soul was being destroyed, like, you know,
• 12:47
  daily and, and I felt lost, like really lost.
• 12:51
  So I continued to drink. But then like we got broken
• 12:55
  into. Some things happened and scared
• 12:57
  me and, and I knew, I kind of knew subconsciously what I
• 13:00
  needed to do because that question is, you see it like, is
• 13:03
  this what you want? Was like, no, I don't, I don't
• 13:04
  want this. So packed up the car, drove back
• 13:08
  down the middle of it like Australia, that's a story and a
• 13:11
  half. But ended up back in Adelaide
• 13:14
  and my sobriety dates the 31st of May 2008.
• 13:17
  And my last drink actually was with a woman who of friends and
• 13:20
  she was from the Riverland as well.
• 13:22
  And I took a bottle of red round to her house and her mum was in
• 13:25
  AA actually about 13 years. And it was kind of like there
• 13:27
  was a connection. There was like, this is a bit,
• 13:29
  you know, uncanny. And anyway, I remember having
• 13:33
  this bottle of red and thinking I need more and more and more
• 13:38
  and more. There is no like there is no end
• 13:40
  to this. It's like 1 didn't even touch
• 13:42
  the sides. And I just like, this is not, I
• 13:46
  don't want to do this anymore. So I went a week without a drink
• 13:49
  and then I got to a meeting and that's where the journey sort of
• 13:52
  starts. Like, yeah, my meeting, the
• 13:56
  meeting was, I was so nervous and fearful.
• 13:59
  And I remember like I lived on my own and I had a calendar and
• 14:03
  I used to come home and just cross the calendar off like like
• 14:06
  just for today. I've done today, Thank God, I've
• 14:08
  done today. Oh, and members used to come and
• 14:11
  pick me up, like to take me to the meeting, like, and they were
• 14:13
  like big burly guys. And I'm like, oh, and I'm like,
• 14:16
  God, I'm getting in the car with you.
• 14:17
  We don't like I don't am I going to come home?
• 14:20
  And I'm like, I'm not ready yet. I've got to do the dishes and
• 14:22
  they're like, Heidi, just get in the car.
• 14:24
  And I'm like radio like I had all these excuses and fear and I
• 14:28
  don't want I don't even know who you, but they were like 13 years
• 14:31
  sober. Some were two, you know, like
• 14:32
  didn't I trusted them, but deep down I was like, I really don't
• 14:35
  know you, but I'd go home with anyone when I was drinking.
• 14:38
  Didn't care. I had no money for petrol.
• 14:40
  The car like the windscreen wife was doing work.
• 14:42
  Like it was like I had the ride was really good.
• 14:43
  I used to cycle my bike actually.
• 14:45
  So it's quite funny when people in recovery are like, oh, I
• 14:47
  can't get to a meeting. I'm like, you're kidding, right,
• 14:49
  Because I, I used to cycle from Saint Mary's to Payne them on a
• 14:52
  Friday night and through the city and I loved it.
• 14:54
  It did my head good. Like my head was racy, but it
• 14:57
  was like kind of burnt it off like that ride there and back.
• 15:00
  And I used to do that all the time.
• 15:02
  So so I come in and you don't know anything, right?
• 15:05
  And I'm full of fear, like just so nervous And someone, you
• 15:10
  know, who was one of those older members who was like the tree
• 15:13
  planting friends, he goes, you need a sponsor.
• 15:15
  I'm on. And he goes, go ask her.
• 15:16
  And I'm like, I didn't know what to do.
• 15:18
  So I just asked this person and then I did they did, you know,
• 15:22
  there's all those suggested things like don't get in a
• 15:24
  relationship. And I'm like, oh, OK, so I got
• 15:27
  in a relationship and and it's all sort of like if they didn't
• 15:30
  suggest to do the steps, I would have done it.
• 15:32
  Like don't do that, Heidi. I would have listened, but I
• 15:34
  didn't and I don't, I reckon my head was so it was really busy.
• 15:38
  It was so busy like that, that itty bitty committee.
• 15:42
  I was really loud in my head and I don't think I heard the steps.
• 15:45
  And even when I did hear the steps, I wasn't listening.
• 15:48
  I'd go make a coffee or go have a cigarette.
• 15:49
  I was like, blah, I didn't want to hear it.
• 15:52
  And there was 1 member actually. He would get up and talk quite
• 15:54
  passionately. And I'm like that, that, that,
• 15:56
  that, that, like I just didn't want to know.
• 15:58
  I'm like, I don't care. Like you like God to me, you
• 16:00
  could stick it like it was. There is no God.
• 16:04
  So I'm in the fellowship and there's a saying, you know,
• 16:06
  plenty of activity, but no action.
• 16:08
  And that's what I was doing. I was plenty of activity, no
• 16:10
  action. So I had the relationship going.
• 16:11
  I wasn't seeing the sponsor. The boyfriend and the sponsor
• 16:14
  lived in the same complex of Gold Grove.
• 16:16
  I wouldn't go see her. I'd go see him.
• 16:17
  Like I was just not doing anything about any head like
• 16:20
  that Ted Talk stuff that the ISM.
• 16:23
  And then what happened? I got pregnant.
• 16:27
  I have a beautiful son today, which I'm really grateful for.
• 16:30
  And and then I hit a place like there's that rock bottom in my
• 16:34
  drinking, which happened, but then there's that place in
• 16:37
  recovery, another rock bottom, which is I'm I'm worse off
• 16:42
  without a drink and a drug. Like I'm bad.
• 16:44
  And and I was pregnant. My head was doing numbers on me
• 16:48
  and I felt suicidal and it was not good.
• 16:52
  And I hope. Yeah.
• 16:55
  And at the same time, a woman I knew from that fellowship, which
• 16:58
  was the other fellowship, came over to a A and I remember
• 17:01
  seeing her actually was at Byron Place.
• 17:03
  So I was outside the meeting in Byron Place, this meeting,
• 17:06
  another venue and I bumped into her before the meeting and I,
• 17:09
  she looked different And I was like, and I'm like, where have
• 17:12
  you been? Because I didn't see the group
• 17:13
  conscience anymore. And and then like I was about
• 17:16
  two years in and she looked like lit up and I'm like, she goes,
• 17:21
  oh, I've been through the steps. And I was like, what?
• 17:23
  It was almost like a revelation to me.
• 17:24
  Like I'd never heard of that before, but I was listening and
• 17:28
  looking, you know, like I saw it and and I love that word.
• 17:31
  Like in our literature it says, you know, like attraction rather
• 17:35
  than promotion. And I was attracted to her then.
• 17:37
  Like I was like, and I said, what, what did you do?
• 17:39
  And she goes, oh, rang this person, Dada.
• 17:41
  And I'm like, give me the number.
• 17:42
  Like I was desperate because I was about to top myself and I
• 17:45
  was at a point was either going to kill myself, drink or do
• 17:48
  something about it. They were my choices.
• 17:50
  Like I knew it. I just knew it.
• 17:51
  And so I rang this person and they said, yeah, I'm happy to
• 17:57
  help you and take you through the book.
• 17:59
  And that was the best. That was the turning point.
• 18:02
  That's when things really changed and I went through a
• 18:07
  round of the steps and Finn's around and I've got a baby and
• 18:11
  I'm doing a writing of force and oh, I was so tired.
• 18:15
  I was breastfeeding and I had this baby and I'm like, oh God,
• 18:20
  I don't want to do this. I'd left that other fellowship,
• 18:22
  came over to a A and then a friend of mine who's passed down
• 18:26
  from this disease 2 years ago. But she rings me and she's like,
• 18:32
  hey, going with that four step and I'm like, I can't be
• 18:34
  bothered too tired too. Heidi, just get it done.
• 18:37
  And it's the best thing she ever said to me ever.
• 18:40
  But that saved my life actually. So did that stuff.
• 18:43
  And then obviously you go and share that stuff with the person
• 18:46
  who you trust and I trusted them and and you know, it's all this
• 18:50
  stuff, but it didn't make sense to me.
• 18:51
  I was like, I don't know what myself like I still didn't know
• 18:55
  what myself esteem was like that honestly was in a bottle.
• 18:58
  And but what happened was this shift sort of happened.
• 19:02
  Like I did start. I mean, there's obviously a
• 19:03
  pattern. I see a pattern of things and I
• 19:05
  see where my like selfishness is my dishonesty, my fear, all
• 19:09
  those sorts of things. But I guess it didn't really
• 19:12
  sink in so much. Like there was a lot of rote
• 19:15
  stuff and it was sort of like really learning something for
• 19:18
  the first time. And it was kind of like, I don't
• 19:20
  know if you have this experience, but mine was, I
• 19:22
  expect myself to know this and I don't understand any of it.
• 19:25
  And I didn't know me at all. But it was like it started to
• 19:28
  unlock the key to enter the part of me that I was wanting to get
• 19:31
  to know or to understand. So that happened.
• 19:36
  I burnt that this step, four step, which is a good thing for
• 19:40
  me anyway. And then I have an immense list
• 19:43
  and then I have these experiences.
• 19:45
  And then this is what my experience has always desired.
• 19:48
  What Bill had, you know, like a blinding light experience, like
• 19:51
  getting sober. That didn't happen.
• 19:52
  Mine's the educational smack the book against my head kind of
• 19:56
  variety. But basically I was at my step
• 19:58
  sister's baby shower and there's my son toddling around and
• 20:01
  there's a glass of wine on the table and I'm moving this glass
• 20:06
  of wine. And then I went oh.
• 20:08
  And I had this completely light out of body experience because I
• 20:11
  didn't move that glass of wine to my mouth.
• 20:13
  I moved that glass of wine away from him, knocking it over.
• 20:16
  And that's all the thought was. And I went, Oh my God, what was
• 20:19
  that? Because I've heard that saying
• 20:21
  in the rooms like, you know, I'm this far away from a drink.
• 20:24
  I've heard another saying, I'm 12 steps away from a drink.
• 20:26
  And I really like that. So that was my experience.
• 20:30
  And no one, like the world could have stopped stealing that
• 20:32
  moment. Like I wouldn't have, honestly.
• 20:34
  And it was completely light for me, the obsession of being
• 20:36
  removed because that was not of me, of me down the hatchet and
• 20:42
  where's the rest of it? So that was like God working for
• 20:45
  me. And, and it was a very powerful
• 20:47
  moment. And, and then I kind of knew I
• 20:51
  was OK. I had one moment period of time
• 20:55
  after that. Finn was about 3.
• 20:57
  And so I'm at home being a mum, having a cigarette out the back
• 21:01
  and I've got to do the dishes. And I thought one glass of wine
• 21:04
  would be nice because I really don't like doing dishes.
• 21:07
  And, and then the next thought was I don't have a glass of
• 21:10
  wine. I have a cask of wine.
• 21:11
  Then I'll have a cart and a beer.
• 21:13
  And then I'll hand my child off to the neighbor and then I'm off
• 21:16
  with the bike. You down the street, you know,
• 21:17
  like, and see you later. So I knew and it freaked me out.
• 21:22
  And I rang the person that helped me and they said, you
• 21:24
  know, sanity had returned. And I'm like, yeah, it has.
• 21:27
  Like, there is no way I'd pick up a drink.
• 21:28
  And since that time, it's not returned at all.
• 21:32
  And that's for me a gift like the obsessions being removed.
• 21:34
  I don't know where God's got it. I have this idea that he's got
• 21:37
  it in some little bar fridge up in heaven.
• 21:39
  But I'm like, whatever, wherever it is, running around trying to
• 21:42
  get out, you can stay there because I don't want it back.
• 21:46
  So then life kind of happens, like things happen and split up
• 21:51
  with Dan got in another relationship that split up to my
• 21:58
  mum, had a stroke. But because of like being sober,
• 22:02
  I got carried through those things and God carried me.
• 22:05
  Like honestly, I don't even know.
• 22:08
  I swear there's days where I just feel like I'm not even, I
• 22:11
  wasn't even touching the ground. Like that's how life was.
• 22:14
  I was, you know, being carried through going to a hospital and
• 22:17
  taking care of a young child. And I don't know how I did those
• 22:21
  things, but yeah, I was definitely looked after.
• 22:25
  And then life just sort of happened.
• 22:27
  And I and like, for me, a, A is the biggest key to all that.
• 22:30
  Like I need, I need it 'cause if I didn't have it, I wouldn't
• 22:34
  have me. I like myself today, I would say
• 22:38
  I love myself most of the time. Like sometimes I'm not still
• 22:40
  make mistakes, but I'm I really love my life.
• 22:45
  Like I wouldn't have said that. Like when I was drinking or even
• 22:48
  when I wasn't drinking, I was like recovering from drinking.
• 22:51
  I'm the type of alcoholic that wants to pull my car in front of
• 22:54
  an oncoming truck. Like that's where my head goes
• 22:56
  when a boyfriend breaks up with me.
• 22:58
  Like I'm I'm downright dark and though I'm just go to really
• 23:03
  dark places and I don't have that kind of thinking, I've
• 23:06
  definitely self pities definitely come on me in my
• 23:09
  journey in recovery. There's times where couldn't
• 23:12
  shake it for all the want in the world, but I've always sat
• 23:15
  myself in a seat. Like I've just kept coming, like
• 23:18
  kept coming to a a when I even when I didn't want to be here.
• 23:21
  And like sometimes I actually imagine myself like getting
• 23:24
  sitting in the seat and I put a seat belt on and like I imagine
• 23:26
  a nation like go because I'm like, I don't want to be here.
• 23:28
  I'm not like you and but I'm like, no, I always often feel
• 23:34
  better after a meeting. Always sponsoring's a big part
• 23:38
  of my journey as well, like helping other women.
• 23:40
  It's not something that I came naturally, but helping that
• 23:43
  first alcoholic was the most amazing experience actually.
• 23:46
  And I think she's still so, but not that that's anything to do
• 23:49
  with me because that's all God. But I remember leaving after
• 23:53
  doing some step work with her one day and being I don't know
• 23:55
  if I've had had the sunlight beaming through the car, music
• 23:59
  was on the radio and I felt happy and I was like, Oh my God,
• 24:02
  what is this? Like I would have been 90678
• 24:05
  somewhere in there. And and then the next thought
• 24:08
  was I wanna have a car accident and die.
• 24:10
  Like I turned and like instantly think the worst thing's gonna
• 24:13
  happen when I take off through that intersection.
• 24:16
  And I was like, I can't, like, I don't know if that's that
• 24:19
  alcoholic or whatever it is, but it's like I cannot have the
• 24:21
  moments and be happy. Like it was just pure joy.
• 24:24
  I just felt joy. And, and I think that's the
• 24:26
  stuff that I do feel these days is those, those feelings.
• 24:29
  You know, I have a beautiful son today.
• 24:32
  He's 15. He's not interested in drinking
• 24:34
  and drugging. And that's been a journey in
• 24:35
  itself, having kids in the rooms.
• 24:36
  Like I've definitely picked him up and dragged him to a meeting
• 24:40
  when I've needed work. I've been ratty, like ratty on a
• 24:43
  Wednesday night or Thursday night and he's in his pajamas
• 24:46
  and I'm like, right, get in the car and off we go to black
• 24:49
  corridor somewhere. And and I've just needed to do
• 24:51
  that. And but he's even been the type
• 24:53
  of child I used to have a house that was like lounge circular,
• 24:57
  you know, I'm that restless, irritable.
• 25:01
  And I he will even say to me, mum, sit down and do the
• 25:04
  serenity prayer. I'm like, why does this?
• 25:06
  You know, like I'm worried he's going to meetings hearing people
• 25:08
  talk about suicide, but he takes away from it.
• 25:10
  He even prays he's had amazing experiences.
• 25:13
  So I like yeah, it it's given. He gives me so much.
• 25:18
  I think, you know, besides the obsession being removed, like I
• 25:21
  have a like a nice self esteem. Like I do know what that is
• 25:24
  today? I feel that I feel good about
• 25:27
  myself most of the time. And yeah, like I have a life.
• 25:31
  I have times where I leave work and I go, oh, I wasn't the best
• 25:33
  person. I I've definitely been a little
• 25:36
  bit off lately. I've had some work situations
• 25:38
  and, and I don't know if you do this sort of stuff, but I hang
• 25:41
  up in team when I'm pissed off, but I hang up in team meetings
• 25:44
  like that. Like I'm like, literally like
• 25:46
  click because things are not going my way.
• 25:49
  And, and people will say to me, maybe that's God's will and
• 25:52
  maybe it is, but I, you know, when I'm going through something
• 25:55
  rough, I don't know what anything is except there's not
• 25:58
  going my way. But like, I have a conscience
• 26:01
  today. That's where I'm coming from.
• 26:03
  And like, I will definitely run things past my sponsor and going
• 26:06
  through a round of the steps again, which is enlightening.
• 26:11
  And probably one of the greatest gifts at the moment is like be
• 26:13
  even being having to answer questions about the bedevilments
• 26:17
  in the big book and write things about have I been a prey to
• 26:19
  misery and full of fear and all sorts of stuff and not have been
• 26:22
  exposed to that in in a new way. You know, nothing's right or
• 26:25
  wrong, but and realizing, and this has been a, a, a new key
• 26:30
  unlocking moment for me or a light bulb was that, yeah, God
• 26:34
  removed the obsession. But I'll control everything else
• 26:36
  in my life, thank you very much. Like I'll run the relationship.
• 26:39
  I'll run run this thing with my son.
• 26:40
  I'll run the work situations, but I haven't let God handle all
• 26:43
  of it. I was like, oh, we play a part
• 26:46
  in all of it. I thought just a little bit
• 26:48
  because I still want to manage and control everything.
• 26:51
  That's what I'm like. Generally, I'm pretty good.
• 26:53
  I get called passionate at work, which I am.
• 26:55
  My dad's nicked, and the man named me Bulldozer, which I can
• 26:59
  be a bit of a bulldozer, but you know, like they're parts of my
• 27:02
  personality that I've come to accept and work and and
• 27:05
  sometimes I need toning down, but without a drink or a drug in
• 27:08
  them, I'm a lot nicer person. Yeah.
• 27:12
  I think I'm just grateful. I don't know how much more time
• 27:14
  I have, but I'm, I, I feel blessed like without AI wouldn't
• 27:18
  have the life I have today. And it's not about the material.
• 27:20
  It's more about the immaterial, like the spiritual.
• 27:23
  And I definitely seek God. One thing that really works for
• 27:27
  me is I have this saying next to my bed, which is we first make
• 27:30
  our habits, then our habits make us.
• 27:32
  And that's something that I practice every morning.
• 27:34
  I read on awakening and and I take that time out and do a
• 27:37
  reading and sometimes reread it throughout the day because I
• 27:40
  need to connect in. But I I feel blessed.
• 27:44
  I feel truly blessed. And I wouldn't have said that
• 27:46
  that when I came in, I was not like, yeah, I'm alcoholic.
• 27:49
  Woohoo. I was definitely like, I don't
• 27:51
  want to be here. But today, yeah, I live a really
• 27:55
  good life and and productive and you know, like I'm a mum, like
• 28:00
  they're the things that I just, you know, wouldn't have thought
• 28:03
  I'd ever really do. And I don't know, I think what a
• 28:06
  A has so much to offer. So I'm grateful and thanks for
• 28:10
  asking me to share. A A has more than two million
• 28:14
  recovering Alcoholics throughout the world.
• 28:17
  In Australia there are about 18,000 members.
• 28:21
  They're made in over 2000 local meetings spread around the
• 28:26
  country. Meetings range in size from a
• 28:29
  handful in some areas to hundreds or more in larger
• 28:33
  communities. And once again, if anyone you
• 28:37
  know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call Alcoholics
• 28:41
  announcing 1300 Double 00000 or visit their website on aa.org
• 28:48
  dot AU.