Latest / Marriage Life and More and Bible Study / The Growing Presence of Sexless Marriages Pt 1 (Marriage Reset Series) - 283

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The Growing Presence of Sexless Marriages Pt 1 (Marriage Reset Series) - 283 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

• 0:05
  Daniel Moore: If you've ever watched the 1997 Seinfeld episode, the Yadda Yadda, you know George was horrified that his girlfriend was skipping over the important parts of her stories.
• 0:15
  Daniel Moore: And Elaine casually dropped the bombshell that she had yada yadda over sex, because apparently the lobster bisque was the highlight.
• 0:23
  Daniel Moore: Now we're not here to endorse Seinfeld, premarital lobster bisque, or anything else questionable from the 90s, but it is funny how a sitcom termed yada yada yada ended shorthand for blah blah blah.
• 0:36
  Daniel Moore: Little did George Costanza know the original Hebrew word yada actually means to know.
• 0:42
  Daniel Moore: And yes, that's the biblical, intimate kind of know.
• 0:45
  Daniel Moore: Leave it to Scripture to take a sitcom punchline and flip it into something exceptional.
• 0:51
  Daniel Moore: Well today we're gonna be diving into what God really meant when he designed intimacy, not as something boring, predictable, or rushed through like a bad story, but as something deeply connecting, joy-filled, and essential to a thriving marriage.
• 1:06
  Daniel Moore: We'll probably laugh a little, we're hopefully gonna learn a lot, and talk about why ignoring intimacy or treating it like an optional footnote can leave couples feeling lonely, frustrated, and misunderstood.
• 1:16
  Daniel Moore: So whether you're newlyweds, seasoned pros, or somewhere between Song of Solomon and We're Too Tired, this episode is for you.
• 1:23
  Daniel Moore: So buckle up, maybe grab some lobster bisque if you're feeling nostalgic, and let's explore how reclaiming God's design for Yada can transform connection, communication, and closeness in your marriage.
• 1:35
  Daniel Moore: Welcome to Marriage Life and More.
• 1:45
  Daniel Moore: This is a podcast about marriage, Bible, and book studies.
• 1:48
  Daniel Moore: We interview people with inspiring stories.
• 1:50
  Daniel Moore: I'm Daniel Moore, your host.
• 1:52
  Daniel Moore: Over next to me is my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.
• 1:55
  Michelle Moore: Hey, hey.
• 1:56
  Daniel Moore: Thank you guys for joining us this week.
• 1:57
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• 2:02
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• 2:23
  Daniel Moore: Also, our new book is out Marriage as a Mission, Living Out God's Design for Marriage.
• 2:28
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• 2:32
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• 2:37
  Daniel Moore: And we also just released our newest book, 42 Days to a Stronger Marriage, a Christ Centered Devotional for Couples.
• 2:44
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• 2:55
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• 2:57
  Daniel Moore: And that would be an excellent Christmas present.
• 2:59
  Michelle Moore: It would be.
• 3:25
  Daniel Moore: Over this next two to three weeks here.
• 3:27
  Daniel Moore: It's probably going to be a three-part episode.
• 3:29
  Daniel Moore: So we just wanted to get that out of the way before we get started.
• 3:33
  Daniel Moore: So we've been going through our Steerage Marriage Reset, Roommate the Soulmates, and Your Marriage.
• 3:38
  Daniel Moore: And this week we're starting a new episode.
• 3:41
  Daniel Moore: It's episode 10, The Growing Presence of Sexless Marriages.
• 3:45
  Daniel Moore: John and Stacy Eldridge said, Sex can be such a stark barometer for a marriage.
• 4:03
  Daniel Moore: In 1997, the popular NBC sitcom Seinfeld released an episode called The Yada Yadda.
• 4:11
  Daniel Moore: In the show, George Costanza laments about his girlfriend's use of the phrase yada yada yada to shorten her stories and leave out critical details.
• 4:20
  Daniel Moore: George ends up consulting Elaine and they have this interaction.
• 4:25
  Daniel Moore: George said, You don't think she yada yada sex?
• 4:28
  Daniel Moore: Elaine says, Well I've yada yadded sex.
• 4:32
  Daniel Moore: Yes, I met this lawyer, went out to dinner, had the lobster bisque, went back to my place, yada yada yada.
• 4:38
  Daniel Moore: I never heard from him again.
• 4:40
  Daniel Moore: Jerry said, But you yada yadda over the best part.
• 4:43
  Daniel Moore: Elaine said, No, I mentioned the bisque.
• 4:46
  Daniel Moore: So while we're not endorsing Seinfeld or glorifying premarital sex, it's fascinating how the show's use of the phrase yada yada yada helped turn the word yada into a cliche.
• 4:58
  Michelle Moore: I'm gonna stop you right there.
• 5:00
  Michelle Moore: What is a lobster bisque?
• 5:02
  Daniel Moore: I would have to Google that because I think that's above my pay grade.
• 5:07
  Michelle Moore: I'm like, what is a bisque?
• 5:08
  Michelle Moore: I'm like, I don't even know.
• 5:10
  Michelle Moore: So I was just curious if you knew.
• 5:12
  Daniel Moore: I guess we'll have to go look.
• 5:13
  Daniel Moore: Oh, I'm not real sure either.
• 5:15
  Michelle Moore: I'm glad I'm not the only one that knows.
• 5:17
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 5:17
  Daniel Moore: You know, usually lobster is market what, market price?
• 5:21
  Daniel Moore: Is that what they call it?
• 5:22
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, it's like I wonder if it's some kind of soup or something.
• 5:25
  Michelle Moore: I don't know.
• 5:26
  Michelle Moore: Just yeah, sorry.
• 5:28
  Michelle Moore: Slight crack.
• 5:29
  Daniel Moore: Unless I'm at Long John Silvers and getting the the lobster nuggets or whatever they are.
• 5:33
  Michelle Moore: You don't even eat long john silvers.
• 5:34
  Daniel Moore: Well, I don't.
• 5:35
  Daniel Moore: That's true.
• 5:35
  Michelle Moore: But that's we wouldn't even know if they had something there that would be lobster.
• 5:39
  Daniel Moore: Well, they used to have them because we we did to get them before there.
• 5:42
  Daniel Moore: Not don't know if they're a real lobster or not, though.
• 5:44
  Daniel Moore: So there's no telling.
• 5:46
  Daniel Moore: I'm gonna tell you probably not.
• 5:47
  Daniel Moore: Probably not.
• 5:48
  Daniel Moore: So yeah, that that's a that's a little bit of my my base guess.
• 5:51
  Daniel Moore: All right, go ahead.
• 5:52
  Michelle Moore: I'm sorry.
• 5:53
  Daniel Moore: We'll have to go look that up.
• 5:54
  Daniel Moore: Um, but back to this.
• 5:57
  Daniel Moore: In today's culture, the phrase yada yada yada is a disparaging response, indicating that something previously said was predictable, repetitive, or boring.
• 6:07
  Daniel Moore: It's the equivalent of sarcastically rolling your eyes and saying blah blah blah.
• 6:13
  Daniel Moore: However, God intended to communicate something very different through the Hebrew word yada.
• 6:19
  Daniel Moore: In the scriptures, yada means to know, as in sexual intercourse.
• 6:25
  Daniel Moore: Sex is important to God.
• 6:28
  Daniel Moore: He never meant for yada to mean boring or predictable.
• 6:32
  Daniel Moore: After all, the Bible begins with a naked and unashamed married couple living in paradise with the instruction to be fruitful and multiply.
• 6:40
  Daniel Moore: So who knew?
• 6:42
  Daniel Moore: Neked and unashamed was even pre-thought of way back in the biblical days.
• 6:46
  Daniel Moore: Wow.
• 6:47
  Daniel Moore: God gave us this amazing gift so a husband and wife could experience the most profound and deepest level of intimacy and connection possible.
• 6:55
  Daniel Moore: One author perfectly describes how sex nurtures such an intimate connection.
• 7:00
  Daniel Moore: They said sex brings a closeness that is beyond words.
• 7:04
  Daniel Moore: It relaxes you, puts you in tune with each other, and smooths over all the everyday trials and tribulations.
• 7:11
  Daniel Moore: Sex is very much the glue in a marriage.
• 7:15
  Daniel Moore: You simply cannot get closer than having sex.
• 7:18
  Daniel Moore: It consolidates the bond that keeps people together.
• 7:22
  Daniel Moore: You know, God intentionally created our bodies with the ability to experience pleasure, making intimacy not only meaningful but also enjoyable.
• 7:31
  Daniel Moore: While many Christian teachings focus on the idea that sex is primarily about giving and serving one's spouse, this perspective can overlook an essential part of God's design.
• 7:42
  Daniel Moore: Intimacy within marriage is intended to be mutually satisfying.
• 7:46
  Daniel Moore: Otherwise, why would our bodies be equipped with such sensitivity and intricate responses?
• 7:52
  Daniel Moore: A man's body is wired to respond intensely during sexual interaction, and a woman's body includes a unique organ, the clitoris, designed solely for pleasure, an intentional aspect of our physical design.
• 8:05
  Daniel Moore: So clearly these features were not by chance.
• 8:08
  Daniel Moore: Sexual intimacy was meant to be a joyful and bonding experience for married couples.
• 8:13
  Daniel Moore: In fact, God devoted an entire book of the Bible, Song of Solomon, to celebrate desire, physical affection, and shared passion in marriage.
• 8:23
  Daniel Moore: For example, Song of Solomon 1 2 says, Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine.
• 8:31
  Daniel Moore: Or the word love can be even understood as physical intimacy.
• 8:36
  Daniel Moore: That reveals just how highly God values the pleasure and connection that comes through sex.
• 8:42
  Daniel Moore: When couples regularly share in satisfying intimacy, a deeper emotional and relational bond forms.
• 8:49
  Daniel Moore: Data supports this truth.
• 8:51
  Daniel Moore: A Pew research survey discovered that a happy sex life ranks as the second most significant factor in overall marital happiness, with 70% of the participants saying it's very important to the relationship success.
• 9:05
  Daniel Moore: On the flip side, when problems arise in the sexual aspect of marriage, it often causes a ripple effect of disconnection and dissatisfaction.
• 9:15
  Daniel Moore: According to over 800,000 people who completed the focus on marriage assessment, struggles around sex top the list of marital challenges.
• 9:25
  Daniel Moore: One of the most frequent issues is a disparity in desire.
• 9:28
  Daniel Moore: This often shows up in complaints like, I want sex more frequently, but my spouse would be fine with once a month.
• 9:36
  Daniel Moore: And that leaves me unfulfilled and discouraged.
• 9:39
  Daniel Moore: Though misaligned, sex drives certainly create tension.
• 9:43
  Daniel Moore: There's even more pressing concern, the growing presence of sexless marriages.
• 9:47
  Daniel Moore: This widespread issue is eroding intimacy and weakening relationships all over the world.
• 9:54
  Daniel Moore: So as we get started here this week, as we are talking about this roommate to soulmate situation, we know that sex is really, you know, a big part of that a lot of times.
• 10:09
  Daniel Moore: And a lot of times it does seem like one spouse is different than the other.
• 10:17
  Daniel Moore: And where one may want it more than the other, or it's just it's it seems like sometimes they just don't seem to mesh, you know.
• 10:26
  Michelle Moore: I think every marriage probably has that at some point.
• 10:29
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, and I don't know, I know someone experiences it at some point and some may not.
• 10:33
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 10:34
  Daniel Moore: And of course, if you get married the way you're supposed to, and you date and court and whatever, and you don't have premarital sex, like, you know, biblically we're not supposed to be getting involved in that.
• 10:46
  Daniel Moore: There's a lot of times that couples won't really figure that out until they do get married.
• 10:50
  Daniel Moore: And so that's something that they do have to to navigate their way through.
• 10:54
  Daniel Moore: And so as we was reading some of this here at the very beginning, you know, from your aspect of it, that part there where the that author was talking about how that sex is in a relationship between a couple, uh, it says that, you know, sex brings a closeness that is beyond words, it relaxes you, puts you in tune with each other.
• 11:14
  Daniel Moore: From a a female's aspect of that, uh how what's your opinion of what was said there?
• 11:21
  Daniel Moore: Do you agree with that from a female aspect?
• 11:24
  Daniel Moore: How does that as a female?
• 11:26
  Daniel Moore: How do you guys look at that?
• 11:29
  Michelle Moore: Well, I think first of all, most females have different personalities.
• 11:35
  Michelle Moore: So I think it can't be just specifically from a female perspective because I think you know, people have have gone through different things in life that they may be a female and sex turns them off because of what's happened to them, or it could be the fact that they just don't enjoy it.
• 11:56
  Michelle Moore: But I think from a female perspective in a marriage, most of us women do enjoy it.
• 12:02
  Michelle Moore: I think it is an intimacy that you cannot, to me, you can't get any closer than that.
• 12:08
  Michelle Moore: I mean, and let's just get down to the basics.
• 12:11
  Michelle Moore: Most of the time you're naked.
• 12:13
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 12:13
  Michelle Moore: So you're skin on skin.
• 12:15
  Michelle Moore: So it is a closeness that you're not gonna feel during the day or anything like that.
• 12:20
  Michelle Moore: And holding, I mean, yeah, you if you hold hands, you're skin on skin.
• 12:23
  Michelle Moore: But when you are completely naked and you are becoming one and having sex, you know, you're giving what you have to give, and you're giving a part of you that you have to give, it's it's a surrender.
• 12:38
  Michelle Moore: And so it's it's it's a feeling that you cannot even explain.
• 12:42
  Daniel Moore: So from a bonding aspect, do you feel like that does the sex really enhance the bonding side of the relationship?
• 12:50
  Michelle Moore: I think so.
• 12:51
  Michelle Moore: I mean, to me, it there's so much to explore too.
• 12:56
  Michelle Moore: I mean, and and you trust that person.
• 12:58
  Michelle Moore: You know, you're giving them you're I mean, if you think about it, you're both very vulnerable at that moment.
• 13:05
  Michelle Moore: You know, it's not like, first of all, you know, some of us women have a million things like what is he gonna think of my body?
• 13:12
  Michelle Moore: You know, like, you know, how how what what am I supposed to do?
• 13:15
  Michelle Moore: If especially it's your first time or whatever.
• 13:17
  Michelle Moore: There's multiple things going through your head.
• 13:19
  Michelle Moore: And as you've been married for a while, like we have been, and everything like that, you just let, you know, everything just go.
• 13:27
  Michelle Moore: And, you know, bonding to me when you are having sex is probably 100% bonding because you're giving everything you have to that person and you trust them in that vulnerable time, in that moment.
• 13:46
  Daniel Moore: And I think the important word there was vulnerability.
• 13:48
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, I mean that does it if you're going to allow yourself to be in that situation where it actually is gonna mean something, you know, because we we do know that there's a difference between having sex in marriage versus just trying to get your fix, you know, with uh just somebody.
• 14:05
  Daniel Moore: You know, it's not quote unquote not gonna mean nothing.
• 14:08
  Daniel Moore: There's a complete difference in that, but I still feel like a lot of times, even when it doesn't mean nothing, you're still giving away a very intimate part of you that I think still creates a bond.
• 14:20
  Daniel Moore: A lot of times people like to say, well, it's it's just casual sex, it means nothing.
• 14:24
  Daniel Moore: But in all reality, I don't see how uh anybody could ever do that and it really mean nothing because that's you're bearing your very intimate being of who you are and the vulnerability that you're allowing to take place at that moment.
• 14:38
  Daniel Moore: Well, I think not only that you're gonna get a huge part of yourself away.
• 14:40
  Michelle Moore: When you say it's physically, it's mentally too.
• 14:43
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, it is.
• 14:44
  Michelle Moore: I mean, if you really think about it, you're mentally connected to that person then.
• 14:48
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, because you know because even mentally, if you can't get yourself into the mood to begin with, it's not gonna happen.
• 14:53
  Daniel Moore: Or if it does happen, one's gonna enjoy it, the other's not.
• 14:56
  Daniel Moore: Right.
• 14:57
  Daniel Moore: You know, you have a lot of issues going on there.
• 14:58
  Daniel Moore: So there's a big huge connection factor um just throughout the the whole aspect of the whole thing.
• 15:04
  Michelle Moore: And the question you had was, you know, you were talking about bonding and from a female's perspective.
• 15:10
  Michelle Moore: You know, if you're truly in love with your spouse, that's something that you really want.
• 15:21
  Michelle Moore: How do I want to phrase this?
• 15:22
  Michelle Moore: I think if if you are in love with your spouse and it's something that you feel like, I mean, to be vulnerable like that, that connection of not only the being vulnerable, but you're actually showing your love for that person as well.
• 15:42
  Michelle Moore: So it's a loving thing that you're doing as well.
• 15:45
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 15:46
  Michelle Moore: Does that come across right?
• 15:47
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, and we all know that male and female either way, we have needs.
• 15:51
  Daniel Moore: And so we have to be willing, especially as spouses, to fulfill those needs and make sure that those are taken care of.
• 16:00
  Daniel Moore: And I know later on in these episodes here with this this particular uh series of episodes we'll be going through here with episode 10.
• 16:08
  Daniel Moore: We'll probably get into it a little bit later, and we've actually talked about this before.
• 16:11
  Daniel Moore: There are certain times in life that things happen that does create an issue where spouses can't really have the same physical uh sex like they could before.
• 16:22
  Daniel Moore: Um, you and I have talked about that because of our situation, and we'll get into that later on.
• 16:27
  Daniel Moore: But one thing that I wanted to mention here as we started it out this way, is whenever that sexual relationship fades and it gets to the point where neither spouse seems to be interested in that anymore, or maybe one spouse isn't interested, but the other one still has a major drive going on, I think because of the way that sex has been created, and one thing I want to throw in here as well, when we look at just sex in general, a lot of times, you know, the world has mainly tainted sex and what it truly is with the pornography industry, uh just the prostitution, all of the things that takes place.
• 17:09
  Daniel Moore: Uh we know that one of the major sins that Satan likes to go after is he likes to go after us sexually.
• 17:16
  Daniel Moore: Uh that's one of the biggest temptations, probably, especially with guys.
• 17:22
  Daniel Moore: There's a huge temptation factor there.
• 17:24
  Daniel Moore: And with women, it's starting to grow because we have a lot of women that are involved in pornography now as well.
• 17:30
  Daniel Moore: Those numbers have raised considerably.
• 17:32
  Daniel Moore: But on the prostitution side of things, you'll really see a lot of men that are involved in that, with the women selling themselves to take care of the men because it's just a big thing.
• 17:43
  Daniel Moore: Satan utilizes that, and he knows that if he can get his foot in that door, then he can control you.
• 17:51
  Daniel Moore: He can basically, you know, put you in situations where you're going to consistently fail.
• 17:56
  Daniel Moore: And he has dumbed that down to where sex is just a feeling.
• 18:02
  Daniel Moore: You know, sex is to get my fix.
• 18:04
  Daniel Moore: It's it's like coming off of a high, it's like a drug.
• 18:07
  Daniel Moore: You know, you're you're so the addiction is there and you want it so bad, you're willing to get it however you can.
• 18:13
  Daniel Moore: And then those endorphins and all that stuff happens, you have that release and that takes care of you for a while until you go through that same cycle again.
• 18:21
  Daniel Moore: So when God created sex, he actually, this is a very intimate thing.
• 18:36
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 18:37
  Daniel Moore: And that intimacy that he wants with us is that same type of intimacy that he allows husbands and wives to have between each other.
• 18:48
  Daniel Moore: And Julie Slattery, she's uh she has a podcast called uh Java with Jen.
• 18:54
  Daniel Moore: She's real big into uh the sex side of things from a Christian perspective.
• 18:59
  Daniel Moore: And I recently just finished a book of hers that she has written here recently, and she's got many more books on the same on that type of subjects as well.
• 19:08
  Daniel Moore: But one thing that she was kept talking about that really kind of rung home with me that I hadn't really thought of it before, is that God is just as involved sexually with us in our relationship as we should be between each other.
• 19:22
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 19:22
  Daniel Moore: Uh the intimacy that God wants us to have, um, that is actually that shows up in our relationship with our sexual encounters we have between each other.
• 19:32
  Daniel Moore: That is something that is supposed to be kept between the two of us, and that is something that helps our relationship to grow.
• 19:39
  Daniel Moore: That's something that, you know, with you, the more intimate that I get with you, the more I love you.
• 19:44
  Michelle Moore: Mm-hmm.
• 19:45
  Daniel Moore: And I'm, you know, sure vice versa, that's the way that works for you as well.
• 19:49
  Daniel Moore: And so whenever we lose that part of our marriage, then you can kind of see why now we start drifting apart.
• 19:59
  Daniel Moore: Yeah. 'Cause I think you had mentioned even that glue that kind of holds us together.
• 20:05
  Daniel Moore: That's one of the big pieces of that glue that we have between the two of us as a husband and a wife.
• 20:11
  Daniel Moore: And if we sever that, that's pr really the most intimate moments that we can have as a couple is when we're involved sexually.
• 20:19
  Daniel Moore: And when we cut that off, nine times out of ten, you're probably gonna have one spouse that's really going to miss that.
• 20:26
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 20:26
  Daniel Moore: And they're gonna have a strong desire.
• 20:28
  Daniel Moore: And then you're gonna start seeing the issues where that spouse that has the super strong desire may start wavering off to the side, start looking for it elsewhere because they start having that longing inside of them that their spouse isn't fulfilling anymore.
• 20:43
  Daniel Moore: And then you start seeing, you know, instances where the affairs have a chance of happening, or the pornography, you know, or the pornography or yeah, the prostitution.
• 20:52
  Daniel Moore: You'll start seeing a lot of that stuff start happening within that relationship, possibly, because that that hunger is there and that longing is there.
• 21:01
  Daniel Moore: And at that moment, the two spouses are not fulfilling those needs.
• 21:05
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 21:05
  Daniel Moore: And there's a lot of factors that go into why that happens.
• 21:09
  Daniel Moore: And so one of the big things that happens whenever we become roommates in a relationship, this is probably one of the first big things that goes out the door, is our sex life has a tendency to either stop and be non-existent or very rarely happens.
• 21:28
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 21:28
  Daniel Moore: And even when it does happen, a lot of times there's probably some issue there where it's not never the same as it was before.
• 21:36
  Daniel Moore: Uh, you know, it's it's like you're trying to to do that kind of thing, but you're not really in the headspace.
• 21:44
  Daniel Moore: There's just a lot of stuff going on, and you know, it creates huge issues in marriages.
• 21:50
  Daniel Moore: And so as we talk about the sexless marriage, why don't you go ahead and share with us a little bit there?
• 21:56
  Michelle Moore: A marriage without regular sexual connection can take many forms, and each couple's experience of this void is uniquely painful.
• 22:05
  Michelle Moore: Consider how these four different couples describe the emotional weight of intimacy that has faded.
• 22:11
  Michelle Moore: Mike feels anxious as he crawls into bed.
• 22:15
  Michelle Moore: He notices the soft music his wife turned on and the scented lotion she applied.
• 22:20
  Michelle Moore: Familiar cues that she may be in the mood for the connection.
• 22:25
  Michelle Moore: Instead of responding, he turns away and pretends to be asleep.
• 22:29
  Michelle Moore: Deep down, Mike isn't uninterested.
• 22:33
  Michelle Moore: He's simply overwhelmed by a growing sense of failure when he tries, but doesn't feel emotionally present.
• 22:40
  Michelle Moore: He doesn't want to hurt his wife, but he's paralyzed by the fear of disappointing her again.
• 22:46
  Michelle Moore: Katie used to enjoy intimacy with her husband, but now, between managing her career as an event planner, raising young children, running errands, and balancing responsibilities at church, her desire has taken a back seat.
• 23:03
  Michelle Moore: By the time she hits the bed, her body begs for rest and not romance.
• 23:09
  Michelle Moore: Her husband feels the distance, but every advance is met with a tired deflection.
• 23:14
  Michelle Moore: Maybe later, or not tonight.
• 23:17
  Michelle Moore: Katie feels a quiet guilt growing inside her, knowing she loves her husband, but struggling to find the capacity to express that love physically.
• 23:26
  Michelle Moore: Tony, at 46, wrestles with sudden change in his body that he never expected.
• 23:34
  Michelle Moore: Running a successful business gives him confidence, but when it comes to physical intimacy, he feels insecure and even humiliated.
• 23:43
  Michelle Moore: After decades of normal sexual experience, his recent difficulty of maintaining an erection leaves him avoiding sex.
• 23:52
  Michelle Moore: When his wife initiates, he tenses, uncertain of what his body will do.
• 23:58
  Michelle Moore: Rather than confronting the problem, he turns over with a weak excuse and avoids eye contact.
• 24:05
  Michelle Moore: His wife, confused and emotionally bruised, lies next to him wondering what she's done wrong.
• 24:12
  Michelle Moore: For Melissa, something shifted deeply and emotionally on her daughter's ninth birthday.
• 24:19
  Michelle Moore: Before then, she would have called her sex life normal.
• 24:23
  Michelle Moore: But that day triggered memories as she had buried personal trauma that had resurfaced unexpectedly.
• 24:31
  Michelle Moore: Physical closeness with her husband now feels unbearable.
• 24:36
  Michelle Moore: Unable to explain what she's going through, she creates emotional walls.
• 24:40
  Michelle Moore: Her husband senses a drastic change, but is left confused and hurt and unaware of the storm brewing within his wife.
• 24:49
  Michelle Moore: These stories reflect a much larger reality faced by couples across cultures and demographics.
• 24:57
  Michelle Moore: Marriages that suffer from low or non-existent sexual intimacy.
• 25:02
  Michelle Moore: Although definitions vary, experts often describe a sexless marriage as one where intercourse happens fewer than 10 times a year.
• 25:11
  Michelle Moore: Research indicates that roughly 15 to 20 percent of married couples fall into this category.
• 25:18
  Michelle Moore: And to the contrary to stereotypes, it's not always the wife saying no.
• 25:24
  Michelle Moore: One study discovered that in about 60% of sexually inactive marriages, it was the man who turned down the intimacy.
• 25:33
  Daniel Moore: And so as we look at these different scenarios here, these are all different types of stories.
• 25:40
  Michelle Moore: Yes.
• 25:41
  Daniel Moore: I mean, it shows that it's not really in particular just one thing that you could possibly fight when it comes to having these issues.
• 25:49
  Michelle Moore: And they were really good stories, too.
• 25:51
  Daniel Moore: And you know, sometimes when this stuff happens, it is for a life-changing reason.
• 25:59
  Daniel Moore: You know, like the man that got older.
• 26:02
  Daniel Moore: That is kind of a common occurrence for men as they do get older, that their bodies do start changing.
• 26:09
  Daniel Moore: And the effects that uh the intimacy, the the foreplay, the different things that used to happen when they were younger, those effects aren't the same as what he may still really wish it could happen, but his body's not letting it happen.
• 26:24
  Daniel Moore: You know, so there's times when stuff like that does take place, and it can happen with women the same way as they go through the changes in their life, the natural changes in their bodies um can cause that as well.
• 26:37
  Daniel Moore: And so with through each of these different stories here, you know, you've got someone that's just super busy, so they're exhausted when they go to bed at night.
• 26:46
  Daniel Moore: And I know, you know, you and I have been at that place before.
• 26:49
  Daniel Moore: I mean, with our jobs that we have and all the things that goes on in the daytime, we're just we can't wait till the our head hits the pillow.
• 26:57
  Daniel Moore: You know, and we're just ready to go to sleep at that point.
• 27:00
  Daniel Moore: The last thing you want to think about is having to exert a whole bunch more energy.
• 27:04
  Daniel Moore: And and it seems like too, the longer you're married, that it's kind of easier to allow that to happen.
• 27:10
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, I would agree with that.
• 27:11
  Daniel Moore: You know, the longer that it that it goes.
• 27:14
  Michelle Moore: It's a it's a different kind of sex, to be honest, from the time you get married at a young age versus the age we are.
• 27:21
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 27:21
  Michelle Moore: It's just it means something totally different to me.
• 27:25
  Daniel Moore: Well, for one thing, you have to be more intentional because when you first get married, especially if you waited till you were married before you actually allowed that to happen, you've been living with this anticipation throughout your teenage years, just waiting for that day.
• 27:40
  Daniel Moore: And then when it finally comes, you just want to experiment with everything.
• 27:43
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 27:44
  Daniel Moore: You just want to do whatever and just enjoy the moments.
• 27:46
  Daniel Moore: And uh there's always something new, you know, it seems like.
• 27:50
  Daniel Moore: But when 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, 25 years, as it drags on, you know, and you stay together and it goes longer and longer and longer, in order for you to stay connected that way and to make sure that that intimacy still is there and that want to to have that yada yada yada that we were talking about at the beginning, it has to be an intentional thing at that point that's just something like we were talking earlier, where it becomes the glue to keeping your relationship together.
• 28:19
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 28:19
  Daniel Moore: You know, that becomes the the one intimate moment that you have that you realize at some point in time in your marriage, you realize that this is a heart thing.
• 28:28
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, absolutely.
• 28:29
  Michelle Moore: He nailed it.
• 28:30
  Daniel Moore: This is something that truly means the world between the two of us and the fact that we can be married 20 years to 25 years, 30 years, 40 years, however however long it may be, and still want to do that with between each other, then I think that speaks volumes for where your relationship is at that point.
• 28:51
  Daniel Moore: And I think it tells each spouse how you truly feel about each other, if you're able to make that happen.
• 28:57
  Daniel Moore: And so as you everybody that's listening, you know, you you may be finding yourself maybe in a spot like this if you've been married for a while.
• 29:07
  Daniel Moore: This does happen though to couples that are newly married as well, because if there's conflict and a lot of things going on, then that becomes a turnoff.
• 29:16
  Daniel Moore: Uh, you know, you don't want to and and we know we work with couples and know couples that you know sleep in different rooms.
• 29:23
  Daniel Moore: They can't even sleep in the same room with each other anymore.
• 29:26
  Daniel Moore: And that happens in the church and out of the church.
• 29:28
  Daniel Moore: It's no respect for a person.
• 29:30
  Michelle Moore: That's right.
• 29:30
  Daniel Moore: And whenever you get into those situations and you let that drag on to where the years go by and you continue to live that way, I'm sure it's it gets to a point probably where you wonder, is there anything that can fix this?
• 29:42
  Daniel Moore: You know, or is it is divorce just the only answer?
• 29:46
  Daniel Moore: I think a lot of couples probably toy with that, and that's a very dangerous place to be, in all reality.
• 29:53
  Daniel Moore: Uh go ahead and and take off from there.
• 29:57
  Michelle Moore: A significant number of people seem indifferent to sex altogether.
• 30:01
  Michelle Moore: Studies show that somewhere between 20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women report minimal or no sexual desire.
• 30:12
  Michelle Moore: These dynamics reveal some common indicators of a sexless marriage.
• 30:17
  Michelle Moore: And I'm gonna give these examples.
• 30:19
  Michelle Moore: I can't remember the last time we had sex.
• 30:22
  Michelle Moore: Sex feels like a chore or a duty, or we hardly have time for sex.
• 30:29
  Michelle Moore: I love this next one.
• 30:32
  Michelle Moore: Sleep is more important than sex.
• 30:34
  Michelle Moore: We are great parents, but lousy lovers.
• 30:38
  Michelle Moore: Sex happens only if it's scheduled on the calendar.
• 30:42
  Michelle Moore: Foreplay is a distant memory.
• 30:46
  Michelle Moore: We no longer kiss passionately.
• 30:49
  Michelle Moore: I keep getting rejected, so I stop initiating sex.
• 30:53
  Michelle Moore: It's easier to masturbate than to have sex with my spouse.
• 30:58
  Michelle Moore: I don't feel close after making love.
• 31:02
  Michelle Moore: We never talk about sex or share our sexual desires.
• 31:06
  Michelle Moore: We've lost a sense of spontaneity and adventure in our love making.
• 31:12
  Michelle Moore: I feel like the only one who shows any interest in having sex.
• 31:17
  Michelle Moore: Our love making is boring.
• 31:20
  Michelle Moore: We aren't playful in the bedroom anymore.
• 31:23
  Michelle Moore: My spouse seems more interested in the TV or the cell phone than in having sex with me.
• 31:29
  Michelle Moore: My spouse regularly looks at porn.
• 31:32
  Michelle Moore: I'm too resentful from working full-time and then doing the majority of housework in child care to have sex.
• 31:40
  Michelle Moore: The Bible is used to pressure me into having sex.
• 31:45
  Daniel Moore: That's quite a list.
• 31:47
  Michelle Moore: I just kept going.
• 31:48
  Michelle Moore: I'm like, oh my goodness.
• 31:49
  Michelle Moore: And there's probably more.
• 31:51
  Daniel Moore: I'm sure there is.
• 31:52
  Daniel Moore: But you know, there's me and you have both been married before.
• 31:56
  Daniel Moore: And so as we're reading through this list, you know, there's things that I see here that I remember thinking in my previous marriage.
• 32:05
  Michelle Moore: Yeah.
• 32:06
  Daniel Moore: And then there's been times in our marriage now where we've had some of these same comments that we probably could have made to each other.
• 32:13
  Daniel Moore: Yep.
• 32:14
  Daniel Moore: And there's times now, even where, you know, some of those like uh the being tired, you know.
• 32:20
  Michelle Moore: I was I was like, that that has to be the sleep.
• 32:22
  Michelle Moore: I'm like, okay, that's me.
• 32:24
  Michelle Moore: I I admit it.
• 32:25
  Michelle Moore: Like, you know.
• 32:26
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, there's uh lay the head down and I'm out.
• 32:29
  Michelle Moore: There, I'm over there snoring.
• 32:31
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 32:32
  Daniel Moore: There's just there's situations that happen sometimes in life, you know, that just these things come up.
• 32:39
  Daniel Moore: And I found it interesting up there that where it showed the percentages that somewhere between 20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women report minimal or no sexual desire.
• 32:51
  Daniel Moore: And honestly, I do agree with that because typically the the women, if there is a spouse that's probably going to show a less uh interest in the sexual desire, it would probably be the female, probably a lot more times than the than the men.
• 33:06
  Daniel Moore: The men are just kind of wired a little bit differently.
• 33:09
  Michelle Moore: But why do you think the fem if why it's higher for the female?
• 33:12
  Daniel Moore: Well, the the men, if just traditionally, I've always known men to just have a higher sex drive.
• 33:21
  Daniel Moore: They're the ones that like to talk about it in the little guy group circle with the jokes and all this kind of thing.
• 33:27
  Daniel Moore: Uh, you know, it's just always been that way.
• 33:31
  Daniel Moore: Guys have they just have this desire inside of them uh sexually that that's how they like to be taken care of.
• 33:39
  Daniel Moore: And where women are more on the intimate side of, you know, a lot of women are fine just being cuddling or hugging or just sitting and watching a movie, you know, it's guys seem to have, and you'll see this joke a lot, guys just uh have sex on the brain all the time, you know.
• 33:56
  Michelle Moore: Well, and I think to that too, you you didn't mention this, but I'm gonna mention it.
• 34:02
  Michelle Moore: Women seem to be busier than men.
• 34:04
  Michelle Moore: As in, like, hey, you got supper to cook, you gotta clean it up, you got children to take, you gotta get their baths, you gotta get their bags ready for school.
• 34:12
  Michelle Moore: They're exhausted by the time they go to bed.
• 34:15
  Michelle Moore: And I it's more women than it is men, because I feel like the mom plays more roles.
• 34:22
  Daniel Moore: Especially if the man doesn't help.
• 34:24
  Michelle Moore: But I I do I do feel like the women do probably have more on their plate if the man doesn't help, and that would result to I'm too tired, and you know, I I mean there's multiple things.
• 34:38
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 34:38
  Michelle Moore: I mean, in here.
• 34:39
  Michelle Moore: Yeah, and it's because I think if you don't have your house taken care of in that area and the man's not helping, why would you go to the bedroom?
• 34:51
  Michelle Moore: Yeah and a in a female's mind, why would I give you that time if you're not willing to help me get these things taken care of?
• 34:58
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 34:58
  Michelle Moore: And that's that emotional connection.
• 35:01
  Daniel Moore: Yeah.
• 35:02
  Daniel Moore: And even some of these, like, you know, where they're talking about it's boring and it's you know, they're not playful in the bedroom anymore.
• 35:09
  Daniel Moore: There's there's things that you do when you first get married that does seem to kind of fizzle out as you go along and get more years under your belt.
• 35:18
  Michelle Moore: You don't need any of that anymore.
• 35:19
  Daniel Moore: It's yeah, it does change a lot.
• 35:21
  Daniel Moore: So it it's just kind of interesting reading through all of that and just seeing how things can transition from one thing to the next.
• 35:30
  Daniel Moore: And of course, there's the bad stuff with the porn and all that kind of thing that really creates a huge issue.
• 35:37
  Daniel Moore: And you don't want that to be involved, you know, at all in in the marriage relationship.
• 35:42
  Michelle Moore: I know one of the things that I I like a lot is, you know, n the kissing passionately.
• 35:48
  Michelle Moore: That is something I feel like it is, and some people don't like kissing, so whatever.
• 35:54
  Michelle Moore: But my preference is, you know, yes, once in a great while, it's good to do that.
• 35:58
  Michelle Moore: Not just like the little peck that you give them, but you know, to kiss passionately, because I do I do think that it turns a female on.
• 36:06
  Daniel Moore: Yeah, there's just the things, a lot of things between the two of you that especially if you've been married for a while, you should know what those doorknobs are where you can open up the those moments and know what it takes to get your wife going or get your husband going.
• 36:23
  Daniel Moore: And those are the things that you need to nurture as as time goes along.
• 36:28
  Daniel Moore: We're getting close here to wrap up the the first part here of this episode.
• 36:40
  Daniel Moore: So go ahead and finish up there.
• 36:43
  Michelle Moore: What leads to a noticeable drop in sexual activity within a marriage?
• 36:47
  Michelle Moore: One of the most common culprits is parenthood.
• 36:49
  Michelle Moore: As I was talking about earlier, children, while a tremendous blessing can significantly alter the rhythm of the couple's intimacy.
• 36:58
  Michelle Moore: In the early months after a baby is born, sheer exhaustion often drowns a sexual desire.
• 37:05
  Michelle Moore: Moms may struggle with a body image or feel undesirable while navigating the demands of breastfeeding and constant caretaking.
• 37:13
  Michelle Moore: Meanwhile, dads can feel sidelined as their partner redirects their folk her focus and affection toward the child.
• 37:21
  Michelle Moore: As kids grow, the demands don't necessarily lessen, they just change.
• 37:26
  Michelle Moore: Between shuttling them to soccer games, piano lessons, tutoring, or play rehearsals, couples can find their schedules so packed that carving out time for intimacy becomes a low priority.
• 37:38
  Michelle Moore: To make matters worse, some parents co-sleep with their children or allow little ones in their bed, making privacy feel nearly impossible.
• 37:47
  Michelle Moore: These factors don't necessarily kill desire, but they definitely limit opportunities, and over time, that takes its toll.
• 37:56
  Michelle Moore: That said, children aren't the only reason passion fizzles.
• 38:01
  Michelle Moore: Research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior shows that American married couples reported having sex about 16 fewer times annually during 2010 and 2014 compared to 2000 and 2004.
• 38:18
  Michelle Moore: What's behind this trend?
• 38:20
  Michelle Moore: Experts suggest that growing stress levels, longer work days, and increasing parenting demands are major contributors.
• 38:29
  Michelle Moore: In fact, the term D I N S dual income no sex was coined to describe couples overwhelmed by work and family life with no energy left for physical connection.
• 38:44
  Michelle Moore: All of this is compounded by the lure of digital entertainment.
• 38:49
  Michelle Moore: Streaming platforms like Netflix, YouTube, and endless social media scrolling compete heavily with opportunities for couple time.
• 38:59
  Michelle Moore: Sadly, sex often loses to screens.
• 39:03
  Michelle Moore: We'll get into the specific causes a little bit later, but for now, let's look at how a sexless marriage truly affects emotional and relational health.
• 39:12
  Daniel Moore: Okay.
• 39:12
  Daniel Moore: And so what we're going to do is next week when we come back, we will pick this back up and we will start looking at that.
• 39:19
  Daniel Moore: We're going to start with looking at the impact of a sexless marriage.
• 39:24
  Daniel Moore: I think one thing that we need to realize, you know, as we go through this, I know there are some couples that you talk to sometimes, and they don't seem to have the sexual intimacy going on in the relationship anymore.
• 39:37
  Daniel Moore: And I think one thing that saddens me is when I see a couple like that, and when they'll they'll stand there and tell you that, well, you know, I didn't matter, I just don't need that anymore.
• 39:47
  Daniel Moore: You know, it's it's fine, I don't care, whatever.
• 39:50
  Daniel Moore: And you know, that really that's an important part of the relationship.
• 39:56
  Daniel Moore: And I think that whenever it gets to that point, you know, where you're it Just it doesn't happen and and you just don't care.
• 40:03
  Daniel Moore: And that's why, even if you look at this with a lot of marriage ministries, they'll talk about the fact that if you're allowing this to take place, you're not really living in the marital life that God actually created from the very beginning.
• 40:18
  Daniel Moore: The way that He wanted you to function as a couple.
• 40:21
  Daniel Moore: Sex is a very important part of that intimacy side of the relationship that God created for us because when we can be intimate with each other and we can show each other that we love each other the way that Christ wants us to and the way that He loves us, that also builds the intimacy and the relationship we have with Him.
• 40:41
  Michelle Moore: Oh, that's good.
• 40:42
  Daniel Moore: And so we have to be really careful as Christian couples.
• 40:45
  Daniel Moore: Of course, the worldly couples could care less about this part, but as Christian couples, if we truly want to live in the way that God has created us to as spouses, this is a very important part of what God has created for us.
• 41:01
  Daniel Moore: And when we partake in these moments of being intimate with each other, then that reflects that intimacy also that we have with Christ.
• 41:11
  Daniel Moore: And you're gonna notice that your relationship's gonna build on that side of it as well.
• 41:16
  Daniel Moore: So when we come back, we're gonna pick this back up.
• 41:19
  Daniel Moore: And as we mentioned here at the beginning, we know for sure this will probably be at least three episodes.
• 41:23
  Daniel Moore: Could be four.
• 41:24
  Daniel Moore: Could be four parts on this one.
• 41:26
  Daniel Moore: It's one episode, but we're gonna break it up because there's a lot here.
• 41:30
  Daniel Moore: And this is a very important part of the roommate discussion.
• 41:34
  Michelle Moore: Yes.
• 41:35
  Daniel Moore: Because as soon as you start losing the intimacy and the sex and the relationship, you're you're down a dangerous slope at that point.
• 41:42
  Daniel Moore: You're probably sliding to being that roommate instead of that soulmate.
• 41:47
  Daniel Moore: And so we want to make sure that we don't miss anything here throughout this episode.
• 41:51
  Daniel Moore: So is there anything that you want to add to today?
• 41:53
  Daniel Moore: No at all?
• 41:54
  Daniel Moore: Okay.
• 41:54
  Daniel Moore: Well, we'll be back uh here in a couple of weeks.
• 41:58
  Daniel Moore: Uh, we actually have a special episode that we're gonna do on Christmas Day, as long as Michelle and I can get it put together.
• 42:05
  Daniel Moore: So we're working on that right at the moment.
• 42:07
  Daniel Moore: Uh, but it'll just be a a little short animated type of story that we're gonna share.
• 42:13
  Daniel Moore: We know everybody's gonna be super busy and we don't want to try to throw a full-blown episode out there that on Christmas Day.
• 42:19
  Daniel Moore: Christmas Day that you're gonna be too busy to listen to necessarily, and we want to make sure we do it justice.
• 42:24
  Daniel Moore: So uh we'll have a special episode on Christmas Day.
• 42:29
  Michelle Moore: Looking forward to it.
• 42:30
  Daniel Moore: And then we'll come back the week after that and continue uh the series here on the sexless marriage.
• 42:36
  Daniel Moore: So uh we're gonna go ahead and wrap it up then with that.
• 42:40
  Daniel Moore: And we just uh want to remind you that if you'd like to reach out to us, you can go to our website, connectingthegap.net.
• 42:46
  Daniel Moore: There's ways there that you can reach out and contact us or through social media.
• 42:50
  Daniel Moore: But as we go, we just pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode.
• 42:57
  Daniel Moore: This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries, and we pray that you have a blessed week.