Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep27: Dating a Divorcee/ Comedy, Chaos & Comebacks 🤣

Transcript

S1 Ep27: Dating a Divorcee/ Comedy, Chaos & Comebacks 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_04: So I married an older divorced woman, which is great.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_04: They make the best wives, so if you're a young guy, find yourself an older divorced lady.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_04: Because they all tend to bring to the marriage a house, actually, is what they bring.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_04: It's a nice one too.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_04: I sent her first husband a thank you card.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_04: I was pretty thrilled at the That kitchen remodel is awesome, dude.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_04: Chose makes up these weird games too.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know where she comes up with them, but like out of nowhere, once over lunch, she goes, I think we should each pick a fantasy lover.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_04: If we ever meet them, we get to sleep with them and it's not cheating.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_04: What?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_04: She chose Antonio Banderas.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_04: Whatever.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_04: I chose our neighbor.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_03: I'm taking the guaranteed real estate right over here.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_03: I'll be next door.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_04: She's a vegetarian, too.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_04: Anybody here?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_04: Vegetarian?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_04: You are?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_04: How long?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_04: She's so quiet she can barely talk.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_04: I'm about 20.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_04: I feel weak.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_04: I need a Pepsi.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_04: Twenty years, that's good.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_04: Moral reasons, or yeah.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_04: Or just some people don't like to see cute things die.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_04: Morali.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_04: She does it for moral.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not a vegetarian.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_04: I think no matter what you eat, you gotta kill.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_04: You just kill stuff that can't run away.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_04: I mean what they what chance does lettuce have?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_04: It's a little head on the soil.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_05: Hey man.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_05: Ouch!
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_04: Carrots don't even see it coming.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_04: At least cows have an option.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_05: Let's move, let's get up, let's go!
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_04: She does eat seafood, not hamburgers, that's bad, but oyster burgers and clam fritters are fine, which I know a fancy name for with bread is all that is.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_04: We took our honeymoon to Wyoming.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_04: Which I know kind of a bad place to go if you're a vegetarian, that's all I'm saying.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_04: Beef is a religion there.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_04: You get you go to Catholic Mass, you don't get a wafer, you get a cube steak, is what you get.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_04: The body of Christ.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_04: I'm serious.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_04: There's a sign on the border that said, Welcome to Wyoming, eat beef.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_04: Some rancher had it.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_04: Cows grazing all around it.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_04: Wonder what that sign says.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_04: Any other state, we'd have been fine, you know.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_04: Welcome to Idaho, eat potatoes.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_04: Welcome to Wisconsin, eat cheese.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_04: Welcome to New York, eat this.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_04: Welcome to Oregon, the beaver state.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_04: So what we're talking about.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_04: Kind of explains that Oregon trail movement in the 1840s, doesn't it?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_04: Not a secret.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_04: Tell you when we get there.
• 3:38
  unknown: Woo!
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_04: Also explains why all the Mormons stopped in Utah.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_04: You have eight wives.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_04: You go on ahead, I'm not that hungry.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_04: I'll stay over here.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_04: We don't have to have to go hiking.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_04: Found out that we hiked for totally different reasons, which I think is a gender thing.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_04: She'd get to the top of the mountain and take a picture every time.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_05: It's like so gorgeous.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_04: And I didn't care what the view was.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_04: Every time I hit the peak, my first instinct take a pee.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_04: I think it's a every guy in this room has peed from a high place.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_04: You can't deny that.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_04: Because it makes you feel so big, doesn't it?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_04: It's like my pee falls 3,000 feet before it hits the ground.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_04: Eagles fly beneath my pee.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_04: And men don't write their name.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_04: We start in one place and stay there because it's way more impressive.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_04: It's like I'm laser man.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_04: Burning through the earth.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_04: Give me some coarse light, I'll cut this tree down.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_04: And men, we're very focused peeing in the woods.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_04: I don't worry about peeing on that rock right there that's my rock.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_04: I own it.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_04: I moved it.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_04: I'm excavating.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_04: I'm chicken out a beetle.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_04: Running a little master broad.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_04: Women totally different.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_04: You ever seen women tinkle in the woods?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_04: You always have this faraway look.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_04: What are you all thinking about it?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_04: Not the real McDorsey types, though.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_04: Those Ariani mountain babes, they got their own technique.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_04: It's like on some toilet paper, Sandy.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_04: No one just walked through these little bushes right over here.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_04: Maybe straddle this mossy log.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_04: I've got to be all taken care of.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_04: I don't want to get into how I know any of this, by the way.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_04: That's kind of That is another story.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_04: If I could have changed one thing, though, before we got married, I and I recommend this to other couples.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_04: Before you get married, have the woman sleep with another woman.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, well, for me it's far more practical.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_04: I just figure that way she'll understand how difficult it can sometimes be to physically satisfy another woman.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_04: She'll cut you some slack when you're not doing the job right.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_04: Because women have it easy.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_04: Sleeping with men is the easiest job on the planet, that.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_04: Really, who can't figure out how a guy works?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_04: We're wired like Fisher Price children's toys.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_04: You know, one lever, the man goes, I most high school girls get it right the very first try.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_04: Well, I wonder how this works.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_04: Well, okay, I guess that's how women are all wired like Boeing 747s.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_04: Walk on board, there's a million buttons.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_04: Only one of them turns the plane on.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes you find the button, everything works, come back the next day.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_04: Same airplane.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_04: The button is moved or something.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_04: I've learned when you're married, sometimes you gotta press it a week before you want to fly.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_04: What the hell?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_04: But this is why older women are great, because older women have a user's manual, alright?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_04: They do.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_04: And if you're doing it wrong, they read it to you.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_04: Right there on the spot.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_04: My wife's in her late 40s.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_04: She's like a general in the army half the time.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_04: Alright, listen up, soldier.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_04: Today we're gonna start here in the mountains.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_04: Do some recon.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_04: Take your time.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_04: It's very important.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_04: Now, when you're ready, I want you to slip down between those mountains, head south across the flat plain, stretching out ahead.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_04: Hopefully it's flat if it's not cross anyway, goddammit.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_04: That's the battle in the bones.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_04: We'll get to that later.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_04: Now, do some recon in Hunterland, circle around, secure the west side.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_04: Now, at this point, go back to headquarters.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_04: Let them know you care.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_04: You cut off communication with headquarters, you're in trouble, I'll tell you that right now.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_04: You'll be in this battle all alone.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_04: Actually, you know, guys, we're not perfect either.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, our wiring, sometimes when a guy's having sex, what he thinks he's doing and what's actually happening are two pretty different things.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_04: And it's not our fault.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_04: Because we have a billion nerves in our body, all but about eight of them right there.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_04: Any guy will tell you, it amplifies the experience.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_04: Your brain thinks you're going.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_04: My mind's like a Star Wars adventure.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_04: Who's your father, Luke?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_04: I'm your father.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_05: Icky, icky.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_04: Just not mother.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_04: When I was a kid, I was in a band.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_04: Alright, no, I was in band.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: I got I got homeboys that don't date women with kids, which I don't understand.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because it changed my life.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: I never thought I could have such a deep love for this child support check.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Every other Thursday, me and Stepman wait outside by the mailbox.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: I got this new number I do with my hand for the mail lady.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: I go.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: She hands me the check.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's how Stepman and I bond, we buy stuff with the child support check, you know?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a lot of money, but we get to spend time together, you know?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: My close homeboys, they don't even know, they just know the stuff.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, dude, where you get them pants?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be like, my baby daddy.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: You need to get you one play, boy.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: This could be you.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I get it, if you're here tonight and you pay child support.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: This shit ain't funny to you right now.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm up here bragging.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: But it comes with a backstory, alright?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: My daddy left in the sixth grade.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: My little brother and I, we never received child support, and now I get it every other Thursday.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: The Lord works in mysterious ways.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: Won't he do it?
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: My wife, she thinks I got something going on with the male lady.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, that's strictly business.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: Every time the male lady shows up, I look, you know, a friend again.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, ain't nobody trying to do it to the male lady.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: I would never cheat with someone who knows my address.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yo, I respect the people that confess.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yo, that's real.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: That confess when they cheat, and that's real.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: You ever see these people?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's something heavy on my heart.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel it's time for me to remove this weight.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like for real?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, that's impressive.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy, because if I ever cheated, I'm taking that shit to afterlife.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be in line at the Burley gates in order to enter the gates, you must tell us who was the bitch.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what you're talking about, bro.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: That must be some other black dude that looks like a microphone.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: Baby daddy, he hates me.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: I think he heard the material.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, man.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, baby daddy called our house asking what we doing with the money.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: I answered the phone, what do you mean, what we doing with the money?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's what he called today, what we doing with the money.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you don't call my house.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Talking about what we doing with the money.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Click, click, click, click.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: I love baby daddy though.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: I always call him to encourage him.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I know it gets tough out there, but don't quit work.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_02: I have, however, been divorced.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_02: So I know what it feels like to uh make some questionable decisions and then wake up ten years later thinking, God, I could sure go for some meth right now.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_02: I got married when I was 20 years old.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_02: And I got engaged when I was 19.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_02: Getting engaged when I'm 19 years old.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_02: I grew up in a very conservative town, I grew up around adults, and they used to tell me things like, um, don't do marijuana.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_02: And I would say, really?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_02: And they would say, No.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_02: But it'll lead you to doing other things, which will kill you, which is just another way of saying that it'll kill you, but it'll take a long time to do it, which is just another way of describing all of life.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_02: Adults would say things like, uh, don't have sex before you're married, and I would be like, Really?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_02: Come on.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_02: And they would be like, No, you can't do it.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_02: And I would say, what about masturbation?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_02: And they would be like, Still no, God doesn't like it.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_02: And I would be like, Alright, I'm gonna do it, but no dead.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_02: And so then when I was 19, I had a girlfriend, and I was like, well, she's lovely.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_02: I can just marry her, and uh, and I'll make her happy, and it'll make my parents happy.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_02: But most of all, it would make God happy.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_02: Because I would finally stuff masculin all over the place.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: And so we did it, and it was lovely for a very long time.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_02: It was wonderful, until it wasn't, at which point I didn't tell anybody, and I just sort of like bottled it up and let it faster inside of me until eventually I blew the whole thing out.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_02: And now this thing you guys are gonna be very honest.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_02: I just I felt like I should mention the affair up top, you know, before we get too far into everything.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_02: Kinda wish I'd have done that the first time.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_02: Anyway, uh when it was found out, it was horrible.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_02: My whole life was just, it was demolished, I was wrecked with guilt, so I told everybody.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_02: I told my parents, um, and then I told my friends, uh I I told my pastor, well former pastor, because uh in the divorce she got God.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_02: I think divorce and like separating from somebody, splitting out, breaking up, whatever you want to call it.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_02: I think it can use you a lot.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_02: Really?
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_02: Like before I separated from my head, I thought you were just like, When everything was falling apart, I do have it.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_02: I could either fall back to like my more conservative evangelical teachings, a lot of good there, a lot of fun there, or I could fall forward into this sort of Californian avocado toast hippie tippy bullshit.