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Navigating Narcissism and Gold Diggers: Protecting Yourself in Love · The Diva Details

• 0:00
  Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
• 0:05
  Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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  From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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  Music.
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  No filters, no limits.
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  Just fearless conversations to help you thrive. Let's dive in with Diva Mia and Diva Cat.
• 0:31
  Welcome again, Kat. Back to another Diva Details. This is Diva Mia.
• 0:37
  This is Diva Kat. Welcome. Good to talk to you again today.
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  Today, we're going to be discussing gold digging men. I think there's a lot of them out there.
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  I don't know how this is going to prevent anybody or maybe offend anybody,
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  but I just want to put it out there. because I know multiple people and I know
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  multiple friends that actually experience this right now.
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  You know, it's funny because for the longest time, you didn't hear anything
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  about men that were looking for women based off their money,
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  but you were always hearing about gold digging women. Right.
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  You know, it was never gold digging men. As more and more women have become
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  professional and the breadwinners, the tables have turned on you, ladies.
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  It's kind of funny because people thought, But, oh, it's never going to happen
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  that way. And the reality is it has happened that way.
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  I think it has been happening, but it just don't.
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  It just, when it comes to women, it's kind of like very conservative to talk
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  about it. We're kind of shocked, right? Yeah, we're kind of shocked.
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  You know, just like us women dating a younger man.
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  Will be like big deal. But then when the man dating, it'll be 70 years old,
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  dating the 21 year old, oh, he's great.
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  So this is a table has turned and people don't realize that it's coming as quite
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  as a shock to some women. Yes.
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  And we don't protect ourselves. We don't protect ourselves, ladies.
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  We don't protect ourselves.
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  Oh, I'm saying you know how much you work and protect yourself.
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  So let's get started with just kind of what a gold digger is.
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  A gold digger is someone that pursues a partner specifically because they have money.
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  I've been seeing more and more of it, especially at concerted efforts.
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  And it's one thing for a woman that's got money to go find herself a little
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  play thing or a little boy that
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  good looking that she wants to play with and take care of for a while.
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  But it's quite another for a man to look at a woman as prey and go after her
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  because she has money. Just like it's kind of bad for a woman to go after a
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  man because he has money.
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  Yeah. But I think these men, I
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  just think these men are just aiming for unattractive, professional women.
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  I don't think they have to be unattractive. They just have to have a little
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  bit of an insecurity that they can put their thumb on and push on. Low self-esteem.
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  It could be low self-esteem or
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  maybe they're insecure because they haven't had a man for a while. Yeah.
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  Because they work so much. Yeah. They work so much. tried to create a very successful woman.
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  They could be a beautiful woman that just is a hard worker and maybe they're
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  an introvert and they don't like to do stuff. That is so true.
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  And then they meet that one guy that's decent looking and gives them a lot of
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  attention. And there you go.
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  There you go. Whatever you do, do not cite that paper.
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  Whatever you do, prenup, ladies, prenup.
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  Well, we'll talk about what you do in order to, after the fact,
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  but when things happen, what do you how do you revolve and and how long does
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  it take to actually know because i think a lot of women they get in these relationships,
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  And they don't even realize their friends may be telling them.
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  Everyone may be saying, hey, this is a gold digger. Yeah.
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  And when you're in love, you don't realize.
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  When you're in love, plus you don't experience that kind of treatment.
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  Yes. They tend to love bomb. I think the gold diggers often are narcissists. They're super smooth.
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  Yeah. Well, the narcissists tend
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  to love bomb you in the beginning just to get you so they can use you.
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  I think a gold digger, by definition, may be a narcissist or a sociopath or
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  some type of borderline personality disorder or just a really nasty manipulator.
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  You just don't know because we're not going to, you know, describe anybody clinically here.
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  But I think since there's more and more narcissists out there.
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  It's behooves a woman to say, hey, I need to make sure I'm protected.
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  But even when your friends tell you, do women listen? No, they don't listen.
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  If your friend tell you, they feel like you can't see me.
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  You know, if your friend tell you, oh, this guy, you be careful
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  this guy you know it come very strong it's it come
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  very strong and he seems so unreal they were
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  saying you can't see me happy you're just being jealous and
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  no son you got cut off from that friend of yours they
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  don't talk to you for years and next thing you know we had a conversation like
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  try to get to divorce and try to protect her access yeah yeah and she probably
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  shut you out because he was manipulating her i think so too he that just not
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  shut me i probably She probably shot all the family that wanting her because
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  he was behind all of this.
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  And was this her first marriage?
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  Her first marriage, but I think he's on the third. So that's a red flag right
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  there. That's what I'm saying.
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  The thing is, is when we go on, a lot of times when we don't know,
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  and I hope this podcast helps women a little bit.
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  If you don't know what a narcissist is, ladies, I want you to go research it
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  before you get married. Yes.
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  I actually kind of want you to go research it before you start dating and research it often.
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  There are a lot of narcissistic men out there that are just there to use you.
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  They're either going to use you for your money or they're going to use you for something else.
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  Something else. And as soon as they're done using you, they will throw you away. Yeah.
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  There's some women that it doesn't necessarily be the money.
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  All they need is your social security.
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  Yeah. And that happened to a very good friend of mine. Oh, there's women that
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  get scammed online all the time, too.
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  Yes, she does. That's very happened to a good friend of mine.
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  Very successful woman and very, very, very protect herself from beginning.
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  But there you go, this guy, very charming, coming with a nice golf club,
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  meet at a country club, you know, in a specific golf club, country club in the middle of the island.
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  And next thing you know, she had so many things up in her flag.
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  But the good thing is she does not legally marry to him. But how would you get out?
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  But he got her social security numbers.
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  What do you mean she's not legally married to him?
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  This is just dating. They were just dating. They've been dating for two years. They live together.
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  They never legally married. This is two different persons. This is another experience.
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  Well, first of all, ladies, you really shouldn't be giving people your dating
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  your social security number to. Yeah, that's another thing.
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  If you're married, you're going to have to because it's on paperwork that you
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  have together. But if you're dating, don't ever give your social security number to anyone.
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  Don't even, don't lay it on the table how much debt you have,
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  your social security, your credit card number.
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  You don't do that. Yeah. You don't do that. The men, these type of men,
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  they kind of know what women need.
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  I think they're very, very good. Oh, they're very good. Oh, yeah,
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  and they've done this before. It's not like they're the first woman.
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  Yeah, so many scams out there. Yeah.
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  But if you're rich, I mean, not rich. If you're a comfortable lady,
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  you just want to go out for a fling, have a boy to be in home, do that.
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  Just don't let them see your social security number. Don't let them see your asset.
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  Don't, you know, if you need to do it, meet someone.
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  Don't let them see your, don't drive your fancy car, you carry
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  pants so they see how you are and these
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  men is just out there to get you yeah they're
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  out there to get you they're out there to take your your things and and
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  so many of them yeah there's a lot of
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  gold diggers we have to adjust in life just because we're women you don't know
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  and a lot of women are meeting narcissists online they do and they're meeting
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  them on dating apps on dating apps that's another thing how would you scan how
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  would you know yeah on the dating apps that's no filter for them.
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  Or maybe you have to use your own judgment though, your gut feeling.
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  I think if you are in love, you're vulnerable women, the gut feeling won't tell
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  you nothing if the guy just comes and starts paying for you.
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  Well, there's a stat out there that 20%, up to 20% of people online,
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  men and women, have narcissistic personality traits. They tend to be narcissists.
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  Oh, wow. Out of the 20%, 80% of the men are expected to be narcissists.
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  So that means out of those 20%, you're going to have a, what,
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  about 16% or something like that.
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  Yeah. So you're going to have more narcissists online dating than you will just
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  bumping into people in general.
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  Although there's narcissists that you're going to run into in general, too.
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  So, I mean, I think you might be able to ping them by...
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  Different types of narcissism, right? There's different types of narcissism.
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  So there's the grandiose narcissist that I think everyone is used to.
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  And that's the narcissist that, you know, goes out and makes,
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  you know, loud gestures, always wants to be the center of attention.
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  Well, they all want to be the center of attention.
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  They make bold statements. They're always the crazy person at the party,
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  always needing the attention, always making jokes at other people's expenses, those types of people.
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  They're the outgoing narcissist.
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  And that's what i think most people think about they think about that grandiose narcissist
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  that's like oh here i am look at me i'm so amazing they
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  always make it the grand entrance yes that's the
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  grandiose narcissist the next one is the covert narcissist and
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  i can have i've had personal experience with that
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  one so the the covert narcissist long
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  time personal experience the covert narcissist doesn't
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  come across that way they came across as love
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  bombing you're the center of their universe they want
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  to be it sounds like this person might have been that there's and
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  they're the worst because you don't even see them coming they they
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  have a huge underlying feeling of insecurity and they love to take your insecurity
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  and they screw with it so whenever you have fights they're going to be pushing
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  your insecurity buttons exactly what they come across they say they're shy or
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  they're introverted at first and that they need recognition But over time,
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  what you'll find is they'll start to take credit on all the stuff you do.
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  And I was at the point where I just sat back and like I'd plan a party and they'd
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  act like they were the center of the party and they planned it.
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  I'd pay for things. They act like they bought it. Yeah, exactly. These guys don't.
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  That's a covert narcissist. I'm sorry I'm talking too much about it.
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  But they are kind of dangerous because nobody sees them come.
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  And they always love bombing you in the beginning. That's a special even family gathering.
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  Yeah. That's a huge sign. Yeah, the family gathering, you're the one who planned
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  the whole thing, and they, boom, he come in, and he will be, like, this entire time.
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  Oh, yeah, at the family gatherings or at parties, they have to,
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  all they do is talk about themselves.
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  Talk about themselves, yeah. Yeah, and you'll hear an I, I, I,
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  I a lot, even though there might have been a we.
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  And then if they do talk about you, they're going to talk about you and they'll
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  kind of put you down a little bit.
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  Not a lot, but they'll say things like, oh, she just didn't want to do that.
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  But I took care of it. Yes. Yeah. Exactly.
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  Yeah. So that's in my own ears. Yeah.
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  And they do a lot of gaslighting. So you're getting gas lit a lot.
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  And I mean, they have the back end stuff. So narcissists all kind of behave the same on the back end.
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  Whereas on the front end, they have different personalities to the public facing.
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  Yeah. Because narcissists tend to care more what the public thinks about them
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  than how they treat their family at home. So they're also going to be liars.
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  So narcissists, all kinds of narcissists are liars. And they'll lie about everything.
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  So if you start catching a man in small eyes, ladies, you need to go through
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  some more narcissist training and see if this guy's a narcissist.
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  You do not want to marry a narcissist. And the reason I say that,
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  and I'm sorry, ladies, but there's a lot of good-looking men that are going
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  to come out there and sweep you off your feet, and they're narcissists,
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  and they're doing it to get your money.
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  They are good-looking men, though. They're super sweet.
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  From my personal experience, this guy, very, very handsome. Yeah, handsome.
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  Well, sometimes they're better looking than the woman. Sometimes they're not. They're not.
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  It just depends. Yeah. And sometimes they just weasel their way in,
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  and they break down your boundaries, and,
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  A lot of them are very persistent. Yeah, they're persistent.
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  They're very charming. If your friends are saying, I don't have a good feeling
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  about him, I don't like this guy, I don't have a good feeling,
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  take a breath and step away. Go on a girl's trip.
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  Get away from the guy. If he's constantly coming after you, there might be a
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  problem. If he doesn't give you any space, there's a problem.
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  Yeah, I tried that and I got shut up for a whole year.
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  It just popped up just now. I know friends that have broken up and split. I was the same way.
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  When you're younger and you're naive and it's your first marriage,
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  you don't know. You don't know. And you feel like this man is the center of
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  the universe and you put him on a pedestal and then they start.
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  Yeah. And here's the thing. I've also found out narcissists are so good,
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  they'll hide some of this stuff until they get married.
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  So a lot of people, they rush into weddings after six. Oh, he's the man of my dreams.
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  I've been together with him for three months or six months. And they rush to get married.
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  They've only been together six months to get married. And then how legally that you could.
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  You can get married whenever. You can get married after being together for a week.
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  How long you have to stay married to have full access to a...
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  Let's say you have money before you get married, right? Yeah.
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  And then after you get married, the fund that you build together,
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  can he touch your own? Well, every state is going to be different.
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  Okay. Every state's going to be different on divorce laws. Every state's going
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  to be different on community property, which is the property that a man and a woman own.
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  So we can't really go over that because this is a national podcast.
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  But in every country, because other people in countries may listen to this.
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  And other countries have different requirements on assets.
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  So it just depends. How about the big mama boy?
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  This is my own, this is from my own experience. Okay, so here's the thing. Big mama boys.
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  Narcissists, I was reading an article on narcissists yesterday.
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  And male narcissists tend, not all, but they tend to come from families who
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  Where the father was abusive and the mother treated the child with kit gloves
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  and tried to overcompensate for the abuse that the mother had,
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  that the father gave. The father gave.
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  And made the child the center of their universe. A lot of times narcissists
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  are only children, but not always.
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  They make the child the center of the universe. And the child's given a very easy life on one side.
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  Yes. and a and love on one side and
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  abuse on the other and at such a young age because narcissists are
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  not born they're created it's an environmental thing
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  and it tends to happen when they're they're affected in the age between five
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  and 12 years old so narcissists are created during their prime development years
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  of their brain developing and they're they're they're basically emulating that
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  They have to manipulate in order to get love.
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  They have to be coy and deceptive in order to not get in trouble.
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  And that's why they cheat.
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  And they're very good at cheating and lying. Yeah.
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  They're lazy. And they're lazy. They want other people to do their work for them.
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  And they use people. Yes. They use people. And here's the thing.
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  If you're married to a man that cheats a lot, he's probably a narcissist.
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  Yeah. Because they're very, they lack empathy and they don't care about anyone but themselves, truly.
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  And they may say, I care about you and I care about the kids and I never want
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  you to leave me. But it's a lie. It's a lie.
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  Because they're just lining up their next person.
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  I'm going to do better. I'm going to be more responsible.
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  I will take care of you.
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  And there's red flags, right? There are red flags.
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  And the thing is, ladies, everybody's going to tell you there's red flags,
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  but nobody sees them until afterwards. Nobody sees it afterwards.
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  So we're going to give you some advice on how to see some now,
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  but you're going to have to be vigilant because if you're not vigilant,
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  they will walk and stomp all over your heart.
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  They do say love to fly. Nobody listens. That happened to my own experience
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  with my very, very first relationship.
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  Now that we talk about narcissism and our mama boys and laziness,
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  you know. They can tell you nothing.
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  Yeah, nobody can tell you. Oh, the next narcissist type we have is communal narcissist.
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  Okay. So that's a person that acts altruistic.
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  They run charities and they make all the charities all about them. All about them.
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  And they want everybody in the community to validate them. A lot of them are politicians.
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  Oh, yes. Okay. And they act how selfish they are and they tell people,
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  oh, it's not about me. It's about the kids.
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  But then they want to make sure they get paid what they're getting out of it.
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  Yeah. It's not truly self.
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  It's all self-serving. It's not self-sacrifice at all. And then they'll treat
• 17:22
  their spouse and their children with crap, like crap.
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  Like crap. And everybody in communal, I'd say the communal and the covert narcissists
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  are the hardest for women to get away from.
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  Is it? Because what happens is everybody around them, except for maybe a few
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  close friends, everybody around
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  them will be like, wow, your husband's amazing. He's such a good man.
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  Oh, you're so lucky. You're so lucky. But then they don't realize how terrible they're treated.
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  At home yeah how they get yelled at or
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  pushed around or whatever at home and then
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  and it may be that the woman's the primary breadwinner but
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  the man still puts his little thumb on her and controls her the next type is
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  malignant narcissist okay so the malignant narcissist this is kind of more of
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  a an antisocial they're gonna they're gonna take you and they're gonna they're
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  gonna keep you away from your friends of your friend they keep yeah yeah a lot
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  of narcissists will but this one to an extreme.
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  They're going to be aggressive with their manipulations. They're going to get
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  up in your face. They're going to say, who's that person? There's going to be zero empathy there.
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  Some narcissists are more blatant with their empathy and some are like,
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  there's no empathy with a malignant narcissist. They're very hostile.
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  They could be very abusive.
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  They could be beating their wives if you don't comply with exactly what they say.
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  They destroy all your personal relationships and they're going to blow it up
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  in a way that it's going to make you fearful.
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  A malignant narcissist lately has been women get help.
• 18:49
  Women get help. And it's so in your face that women are like, I got to get out of this.
• 18:53
  But some women stay, but most women will try and get help and get out because it's dangerous.
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  So you say, how about the controlling husband? Like you have a friend that he
• 19:03
  would never come out with us gathering, even though we all bring our spouses,
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  but he wouldn't even let her come hang out with us.
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  Yeah, so that's more of a malignant narcissist. That's malignant. Yeah.
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  Very controlling. Yep, very controlling.
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  The timing, even the time that how long she spent in the grocery store.
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  Yeah, that's controlling.
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  Yeah, that is sad. But the woman takes it though.
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  Nobody can tell otherwise. That's called love is blind.
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  Took me eight years to come out of it. My mother, everybody tell,
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  and I don't want to talk about that subject.
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  It took me a long time. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it took me a long time.
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  Even bought the house together.
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  I was lucky that my mom said, put in your name only.
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  But you know what? They still have access to after we split up.
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  And this is just my own personal experience. I didn't care. I just bought him out.
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  You know, he want 20. I say, here, I give you 50 and get out of my life. Get the hell out. Yeah.
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  You know, after that. But it took me eight years. It takes time.
• 20:05
  Eight years. You know, it's funny.
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  They're quick to come into your life, but slow to leave. Slow to leave.
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  Oh, my God. You are so quick.
• 20:13
  Yes. The first three months of dating, oh, my God. It was everything.
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  It's a fairy tale, right?
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  It was a fairy tale. Yeah. You know, horse carriage, flowers. Yeah.
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  All of that. A year into. I see myself in a year into it. I see myself.
• 20:30
  But it's hard to get them to live. You see yourself how?
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  Like with the year in, I felt it already. Like these guys are not real.
• 20:37
  I think sometimes we see how much we can suffer as women.
• 20:43
  Yeah. Because narcissists are attracted a lot to empaths, just so you know.
• 20:46
  It's so true, too. And another thing is age. Women worry about age too much.
• 20:51
  This had happened to me in my 30s. Okay, ladies, just stop settling out there.
• 20:55
  It's not that you have to have, you know, the biggest punk.
• 20:58
  You know, you don't have to marry Brad Pitt or whoever's popular these days.
• 21:02
  You just need to make sure that they care for your heart and not just make you feel...
• 21:10
  A certain way. You've got to check on it. I believe in the second chance, though.
• 21:14
  They're always second chance. If you're a good person, things will come around,
• 21:17
  but you've got to be strong, I think. Well, here's the thing.
• 21:20
  The women that get a preyed on tend to be very sympathetic or empathetic for
• 21:25
  the person. Yes, there is. So they care.
• 21:28
  Yeah. They don't want to offend. They don't want to hurt.
• 21:30
  And that's why women seem to be with narcissists more than men,
• 21:34
  because we don't want to offend them.
• 21:36
  We care too much. We tend to get locked into relationships.
• 21:40
  And I will say for me, one of my lessons was I need to become tougher.
• 21:46
  Yeah. Because I let people, and still to this day, I let people walk on me that
• 21:51
  I should get out of my life.
• 21:52
  You need to get people out of your life that don't belong there because they're
• 21:56
  going to walk on you and you don't want that.
• 21:58
  And here's the thing, there's, it's not just men. It can be friends. It can be family.
• 22:04
  Yeah. You can have parents that are narcissists and treating you terribly.
• 22:07
  And growing up as a child of a narcissist is terrible.
• 22:11
  So I want you all today to just kind of reflect on your current life and think
• 22:19
  about each person and see how you feel in your stomach, like in the pit of your stomach.
• 22:24
  Do they make you feel happy to be around?
• 22:28
  Do they make you feel guilty?
• 22:30
  Do they shame you? Do they gaslight you? Yes. Or
• 22:34
  do they make you feel like you're undeserving and
• 22:37
  then you're deserving and then you're undeserving and you're deserving back
• 22:40
  and it's going to be the back and forth with the narcissist they all make people
• 22:43
  feel the same way like you're not good enough for me you're too good
• 22:46
  for me you're not good enough you know yeah next thing
• 22:48
  you know is yeah yeah it's a back and
• 22:51
  forth it's a mind manipulation that's why they they do
• 22:54
  that because they they don't want to leave takes them long
• 22:58
  well it actually creates a ptsd kind of like a stockholm
• 23:01
  syndrome where people get manipulated and they stuck in the
• 23:03
  relationship and they they will actually defend the abuser
• 23:06
  because it's mental abuse and your brain does actually change when you're in
• 23:11
  a narcissistic relationship for a long period of time it you have to rewire
• 23:15
  your brain when you come out especially women i think yeah now we talk about
• 23:20
  to dating game women in middle age right in 50 dating game.
• 23:24
  Thing is it's a lot of flags out there we got to be careful
• 23:27
  for ourselves we do because they're after your money
• 23:30
  etc so there's two new kinds of narcissism i was going
• 23:33
  to tell you about so these are newer because
• 23:36
  of online really so we have the
• 23:38
  somatic narcissist so this
• 23:41
  is a person that's constantly obsessed with their
• 23:44
  physical appearance so the gym rat that only
• 23:47
  cares about checking himself out in the mirror i mean
• 23:50
  it's okay to check yourself out once in a while but you know
• 23:52
  i'm talking about they're obsessed with and they're also obsessed with sexual
• 23:56
  power and dominance and they'll
• 23:59
  be the the person that's constantly pushing you to have sex with
• 24:02
  them they'll be the person that's sending you dick pics all the time they'll
• 24:04
  be the person that's stepping over the boundary just to see and when you say
• 24:08
  no they keep coming anyway body image fashion style all that stuff fitness is
• 24:13
  going to be huge now i'm all for a good looking fit man oh yeah but when it
• 24:17
  gets to the point that they're using it to manipulate you there's a problem,
• 24:21
  Yeah. And then the cerebral narcissist.
• 24:24
  So that's going to be like, that's funny. And I am an intelligent people too.
• 24:28
  I really have to have somebody I can have a conversation with.
• 24:31
  But they are somebody that focuses on intelligence or education or degrees and
• 24:39
  someone's creative abilities.
• 24:41
  And they'll act like they're the smartest person all the time.
• 24:45
  They might have artistic talent or intelligent talent and they just shove it in your face.
• 24:50
  And they try to make you feel stupid and they try to make you feel little all the time. All the time.
• 24:56
  And then they'll realize they've gone too far and they'll reel you back in by
• 25:01
  telling you how smart you are.
• 25:02
  So they're going to be a back and forth manipulator, too.
• 25:06
  These two ones have become more
• 25:07
  popular lately because of the internet and people online. Online dating.
• 25:11
  Online dating, etc. But I think the cerebral was around before,
• 25:15
  but the somatic, you got people that have to video every single part of their existence.
• 25:20
  They go to the gym, they have to video that. They have to video that.
• 25:22
  They go to every meal they video, every encounter.
• 25:26
  They don't enjoy life because it's all about their perception online.
• 25:30
  Some women does that, too, though. There are.
• 25:33
  There are women narcissists and men narcissists. There are more men than women,
• 25:37
  but there are definitely women and men.
• 25:39
  So how do we spot a narcissist?
• 25:42
  Well, if you're the first person they're dated, you're probably not going to go to it.
• 25:46
  So if you're that young and this is the first time, a narcissist doesn't like to apologize.
• 25:51
  They don't? No, they don't say, I'm sorry. So for instance, I've been divorced
• 25:55
  for two years. I got cheated on.
• 25:58
  He had a whole other relationship going on it's been two
• 26:01
  years he still hasn't said he's a sorry but destroyed his
• 26:04
  whole family and it's been two years
• 26:07
  and i he still hasn't said he's sorry no no
• 26:10
  maybe he does he's playing the victim he's playing
• 26:13
  the victim he's saying oh i'm just so depressed since
• 26:16
  i lost my wife of you know blah blah blah but does
• 26:20
  he do anything to to make you feel like oh he'll
• 26:22
  he'll show up once in a while and get in my space and act
• 26:26
  all sweet and nice but he still hasn't apologize and
• 26:29
  it grosses me out because i'm like
• 26:32
  how could you do something to someone else like that and not apologize
• 26:35
  lack of empathy they are and they
• 26:39
  are completely clueless as to how they harm other people so here's the thing
• 26:44
  maybe they do it so often become who they are and they don't realize they they're
• 26:49
  in a different reality yeah they're in their own little world if you if you
• 26:53
  ever hear somebody say that person's in their own little world.
• 26:56
  Look closer because they're probably a narcissist. The number one thing to spot,
• 27:00
  so if you know their dating history, okay, narcissists can't be alone. No.
• 27:07
  They have to always have someone. So if you know someone, so let's say because
• 27:12
  narcissists will always call you a narcissist.
• 27:14
  So my ex called me a narcissist to everyone. He went around on a publicity tour
• 27:19
  telling everybody I was a narcissist.
• 27:20
  But here's the number one way to actually spot a narcissist because I was like,
• 27:23
  I'm a huge empath and very sensitive and it really hurt
• 27:26
  my feelings and I did research on narcissism and
• 27:29
  I said so how do you spot them well if you
• 27:32
  know their dating history if there's two people in a relationship the
• 27:35
  person that goes inward after they
• 27:37
  get broken up with and they don't date and they don't need another
• 27:41
  man or a woman to be in their life and they just and they're
• 27:44
  okay and they need to heal and they actually work on themselves that person's not
• 27:47
  the narcissist but the narcissist will as
• 27:51
  soon as that relationship is over they will be
• 27:54
  in another it might be the same day and they might have already been in
• 27:57
  a relationship okay so a lot of times they'll have somebody
• 27:59
  lined up because they don't leave one relationship without a plan to
• 28:02
  go to someone else like mine was already
• 28:05
  in a relationship they could not be alone yeah they
• 28:08
  couldn't be alone so here's the reality so
• 28:11
  you have to be careful if you know if you find out that oh yeah he what he goes
• 28:16
  from person to person to person can't be alone it's it's a sign that they may
• 28:22
  very well be a narcissist a person that is emotionally mature after you break
• 28:28
  up with on a relationship will self-reflect.
• 28:31
  They will go inward and say, what could I have done different?
• 28:34
  How can I protect myself the next time?
• 28:37
  What do I need to work on me to make myself happy?
• 28:40
  And that's a sign of emotional and maturity in general.
• 28:44
  You'll grow as a person. And then your next relationship will be much better.
• 28:49
  And I'm a strong believer in therapy because it has helped me see where I had
• 28:55
  holes in my personality that allowed a narcissist in.
• 28:58
  Because when you go through a really rough narcissist relationship you never
• 29:02
  want to go through it again go through again never never never never never reach
• 29:07
  out see therapy find a good therapist though the therapists are good friends
• 29:12
  both both but here's the thing.
• 29:16
  And i say this tongue-in-cheek and i say this as
• 29:18
  sweet as i can if you rely on your friends to be therapists they're
• 29:22
  not going to be friends very long because they were
• 29:24
  probably there telling you about the gold digger that was going to steal
• 29:27
  all your money in the very beginning and he was just using you yeah
• 29:30
  and you ignored them i told you so
• 29:33
  and you ignored them and now you're coming to
• 29:36
  cry on their shoulder and be the victim and they're going
• 29:39
  to be like well you didn't listen to us and you know they have
• 29:42
  some leg to stand on there that's so true well my
• 29:44
  friends didn't tell me most of my friends you know i think a lot
• 29:47
  of people also don't want to interfere in other people's marriages you
• 29:51
  have that as well so you have to understand
• 29:55
  that your friends aren't your therapists
• 29:58
  and if you're using them for that you're going to lose the friends so i would
• 30:02
  say find a really there's people that are specialized in in recovering from
• 30:06
  narcissistic trauma and trauma bonds because you get into a trauma bond especially
• 30:11
  when you're with a narcissist for a while they will get so deep inside your
• 30:15
  head and manipulate you so bad that it is hard to recover.
• 30:18
  So seek out therapy, like a professional one. Yes. And here's the thing.
• 30:22
  You may, once you break up, be depressed or be sad. It happens. That's normal.
• 30:28
  It happens. Yeah, it happens. You may make some choices with certain people
• 30:32
  that you want to do just to kind of feel.
• 30:35
  Sometimes you want to do the rebound. And the rebound, I will tell you,
• 30:39
  ladies are almost always narcissists too.
• 30:41
  The rebound? Yeah. You will go and you'll find somebody that's just like what
• 30:45
  you just had. And if you don't go through therapy, you're going to get into
• 30:49
  the exact same relationship you were in. Because you're not going to be able to spot them.
• 30:54
  And it's go through therapy until you feel like the old narcissist, you could care less.
• 31:01
  If you see them, they don't turn your stomach. It was an experience. It was a lesson learned.
• 31:08
  I don't hate them. Therapy costs money, though. It does.
• 31:12
  Well, do the work. There's lots of books out there, too. Yeah, it's so true.
• 31:17
  But you can self-therapy. You don't have to always go to therapy.
• 31:20
  But I do think it's better. And the EMDR helps as well.
• 31:25
  But you need to get to the point where you're not always talking about them.
• 31:29
  I mean, there was a time where I was talking about my ex every single day to somebody.
• 31:33
  Now I don't even think about him unless he pops up on a text.
• 31:36
  Now it's all about you. You just had to get better.
• 31:39
  Well, and here's the thing. When you get out of it, you're going to realize,
• 31:42
  oh my God, I'm so much better off. I was so stressed out in that relationship.
• 31:46
  I was exhausted all the time. I worked myself to the bone to make sure they
• 31:51
  were taking care of. I was taking care of a man. I was taking care of a man
• 31:56
  to the point of my purpose to make more money was to take care of him.
• 32:01
  And that's not a good place to be.
• 32:03
  See, that's why narcissists, they're lazy. That's number one.
• 32:08
  They're lazy. They are. They do well. Some are. Some are actually professional.
• 32:13
  There are some that make a lot of money. Yeah. And they're just using the woman
• 32:17
  for other things than money. It's not always money.
• 32:20
  Yeah, not always money. That's true. But from my experience, it does very little.
• 32:25
  Yeah, they do the least amount to get by. To get by. Mm-hmm.
• 32:30
  But it doesn't mean your life ended there. No. No. And you've got to take it
• 32:36
  as a lesson. You've got to take it as a lesson.
• 32:38
  And from my own experience, there's always somebody for you.
• 32:43
  You just have to keep your mind open, fix your problems, see your therapy,
• 32:47
  and you can see, you can tell who they are. Oh, here's the thing. I don't care.
• 32:52
  You just don't care after that, right? No, I don't care if there is someone
• 32:54
  for me. You're just me enough for you. No, I'm me.
• 32:58
  I've got me. You say there's always someone. If you go through life expecting
• 33:03
  to find that one person for you,
• 33:05
  The one person is you. Is you. And you got to realize that you are your person.
• 33:12
  And when you get to that point, you're in a healthy space.
• 33:15
  But until you get to that point and you're longing for someone else and you
• 33:19
  have to have someone else fill your hole, okay, there's a hole in your bucket.
• 33:23
  There's a hole in your bucket.
• 33:24
  Yeah, there's a guy named, he's on Facebook a lot, Badass Counseling, I think is his handle.
• 33:30
  He's got a book, it's called, There's a Hole in My Bucket or a Hole in My Cup, one of the two.
• 33:34
  And i haven't read it yet but from
• 33:37
  what i've seen the little excerpts it's all about that if you're
• 33:40
  not taking care of you and you're looking for
• 33:43
  someone else to complete you like that old movie was that was that the football
• 33:49
  movie you complete me jerry mcguire jerry mcguire thank you you complete you
• 33:55
  complete me well here's the thing we shouldn't be completing anyone We should be growing together.
• 34:01
  We should be improving each other, making each other better.
• 34:04
  But when you're fixing someone or when you're trying to have somebody in your
• 34:10
  life because they make you happy and you're not happy on your own,
• 34:13
  you're going to find misery in that.
• 34:15
  And until you're in a safe place with yourself, I mean, there's nothing wrong
• 34:20
  with dating here and there to try to figure out what you do and don't like.
• 34:23
  But I would not get into a relationship.
• 34:25
  Until you feel you. Until you feel complete and whole. And emotionally mature.
• 34:30
  Yeah, it's true. Because otherwise you're going to throw up all the last problems
• 34:34
  in the last relationship all over the game. All over the game.
• 34:37
  Yeah. I mean, it's going to be like relationship soup, you know,
• 34:41
  rinse and repeat all the same. Every night, same soup, you know? Yeah.
• 34:45
  And you don't want to go from one relationship to another. To another.
• 34:48
  And you don't want to go from one bad man to another bad man to another bad
• 34:52
  man. Because eventually you'll stop dating.
• 34:54
  And you'll be like, men are miserable. I hate men. And the reality is there
• 34:58
  are some really good men out there.
• 34:59
  There are some masculine men out there that are there to take care of a woman.
• 35:03
  And that's a man's job. And I may get a lot of heat for this or canceled, but...
• 35:10
  A man's job is to support his woman, and a woman's job is to support his man.
• 35:14
  But there are male roles and feminine roles, no matter who's the breadwinner,
• 35:19
  that need to be respected.
• 35:21
  And a man should be there that makes you feel safe. And here's the thing.
• 35:24
  Narcissists tend to not make you feel safe. They don't do that, though.
• 35:27
  And part of my exhaustion I realized after I got out of my marriage was I didn't
• 35:31
  feel safe. I didn't sleep well.
• 35:33
  I did not sleep well at all. And then I met a man, an old friend that I hadn't
• 35:40
  seen in years, and I slept so well next to him. See?
• 35:46
  Because he let me be feminine. He let you be you. He let me be a woman.
• 35:51
  He didn't threaten me in any way. I wasn't afraid of him.
• 35:55
  I wasn't afraid I was going to
• 35:57
  wake up in the morning with a man that was pissed off at me for no reason.
• 36:00
  And so I felt comfortable enough, and I slept like a baby. He's your teddy bear.
• 36:06
  They could be a teddy bear, yes. Now, whether I get together with that man in
• 36:10
  the future, I have no idea.
• 36:11
  But I did realize from that is that there are so many roles that a man needs to play.
• 36:18
  And a lot of us professional women take on the protector role as well. Yes.
• 36:24
  Professional women, it's quite awkward. You have to know what you work and you have to be careful.
• 36:29
  But men's roles are not always going to be a great winner.
• 36:33
  It doesn't matter who are the great winner. You know, I think I love being a
• 36:37
  professional woman because I like, I'm intelligent and I like,
• 36:40
  I'm kind of intelligent anyway.
• 36:41
  You're intelligent. I like helping people and I like working.
• 36:45
  I do enjoy, I get some satisfaction out of my work.
• 36:48
  I don't have to be the person that everybody knows, but I do want to get stuff
• 36:52
  accomplished and I want to make money and take care of my children.
• 36:55
  So that is a very masculine thing. However, when I come.
• 37:00
  Men feel discriminated by that. They may, and men can be threatened by that,
• 37:04
  but a strong man won't be. Won't be.
• 37:07
  And when you're with a strong man, when you come home, you can take that hat
• 37:12
  off and leave it at the door, and they will take care of everything else.
• 37:15
  And yes, you can cook, you can clean, and so can they, but there's a connection
• 37:20
  level that you'll feel when you're with a strong man that allows you to feel safe.
• 37:26
  Sick and if they're not if you
• 37:29
  don't feel safe that's kind of and and i'm talking about safe
• 37:32
  to your core to the fact that you can sleep like an angel that you're you know
• 37:37
  you you sleep well you dream well you're happy when you wake up and the sex
• 37:41
  life is always have to be good oh well don't even go with a man if the sex life
• 37:45
  isn't good sex life make i think sex life is make.
• 37:51
  Play a big role. Well, sex life is it's sexual health. Yeah.
• 37:56
  Just like mental health and physical health. Yeah.
• 37:58
  I mean, all that stuff is part of your health. And people, I think people get
• 38:02
  a little too tied up in it that, oh, it's taboo.
• 38:05
  But if you don't have a good sexual life, you're not going to have a good life.
• 38:09
  I mean, people that aren't having sex, they're more depressed.
• 38:12
  So people that aren't having sex, they have internal organ problems with their sexual organs.
• 38:17
  Sexual health is as important as mental health and physical health.
• 38:21
  Don't just be with a man because he's really good in bed. Yeah,
• 38:24
  that's another thing too.
• 38:25
  If he's really good in bed and he's like blank up there, you know,
• 38:31
  the brain beat the hole, that's not always good either.
• 38:34
  Well, the thing is, is the dumb ones, that dumb doesn't tend to be a narcissist.
• 38:38
  I will say the really stupid men, the ones that are dumber than dumb,
• 38:41
  tend to not be narcissists unless they're a malignant narcissist and violent
• 38:44
  but violence because they're not good at manipulating if they're with a professional
• 38:49
  a woman a professional woman's not going to pick a dumb man no they they we
• 38:54
  tend to pick smart men and the problem is a lot of the smart men tend to be
• 38:58
  narcissists thing not all but a good chunk of them so you just have to you have to guard your heart.
• 39:05
  And and you want we were kind of circling back
• 39:08
  where you know he had talked about women getting married quickly
• 39:11
  i don't know why some women feel
• 39:14
  like they need to be married so quick and it's like
• 39:17
  a need it's not a you know it's and the reality
• 39:20
  is it's not a need ladies if you took your
• 39:23
  time because most people within two years
• 39:26
  there was a stat on this within two years they show you who they are so
• 39:29
  they you know when you're on the honeymoon stage the honeymoon
• 39:32
  stage last two years by the way so when you're
• 39:35
  in the honeymoon stage and someone's sweeping you off
• 39:38
  their feet they're buying you flowers i mean that's a red flag like
• 39:41
  my book they're constantly buying your flowers are constantly taking you
• 39:44
  places they're constantly doing stuff when when you're in the honeymoon state
• 39:47
  it's going to change yeah and if it changes drastically did in my my life where
• 39:53
  they don't buy you flowers anymore they forget your birthday or they you're
• 39:58
  just an object to them something to be possessed you'll see that quickly you're with a narcissist i mean
• 40:05
  somebody with a strong narcissist personality traits, and you've got to be careful.
• 40:09
  But you should be able to see it within two years.
• 40:11
  Keep a little boundary around your heart. Still feel. You got to feel.
• 40:16
  But just take care of yourself because no one else will.
• 40:19
  And if you allow people into your life that will stomp all over it,
• 40:23
  then you're going to pay the price later. Yeah.
• 40:26
  Learn from narcissists. There's so many types, so many kinds today.
• 40:30
  It makes me appreciate my husband so much.
• 40:33
  I think consistency is the key.
• 40:36
  No matter how long have you been together the day the first day you buy he buy
• 40:41
  you flower up till this day he still buy you flower it might not be a lot that
• 40:46
  is true that is true consistent yeah like he'd been precisely consistent yeah
• 40:51
  my ex would buy me flowers like every week.
• 40:56
  In college and then he kept buying me flowers every
• 41:00
  month and everybody else they you know the girls were like oh it's so
• 41:02
  fun and but some women were like you better watch out you better to watch out
• 41:06
  but i didn't really know what a narcissist was back then or what and you know
• 41:11
  then i went through the times where he was unemployed and i was taking care
• 41:14
  of him and then he switched jobs over kept changing careers because he wanted to beat me out.
• 41:22
  In money and i was always making more money than him
• 41:25
  and the problem is is a true partner is not a competitor ladies
• 41:28
  they need to work together a true partner wants
• 41:31
  you to succeed not to beat you and physically
• 41:35
  or in your professional life a true
• 41:38
  partner is there to support you support you and
• 41:41
  he's happy when you when you succeed he
• 41:45
  had to be happy for you and not a fake happy and looking
• 41:48
  back i realized you know my ex
• 41:51
  would be happy but then he would turn everything about him and
• 41:54
  it was kind of fake and i every time i i got
• 41:57
  to the point where when i was making it having accomplishments i
• 42:00
  didn't even want to show him because it would always turn
• 42:03
  into an argument so when i actually when if
• 42:06
  something ever happened good for me he would turn it
• 42:09
  around into well i had terrible day today my life sucks
• 42:12
  and blah blah blah and it would just it would all turn around to
• 42:15
  be about him and i it was
• 42:17
  over the top i constantly had to like bury
• 42:20
  my emotions to make him happy and
• 42:24
  it's it's tough and then the
• 42:27
  physical abuse or the the emotional abuse where
• 42:30
  they tell you you know they're constantly mad at you and you
• 42:32
  don't know why but yet they're nice to everyone else they're mad at you at home
• 42:37
  but their face in the public is so nice yeah so if somebody has two personalities
• 42:43
  that's another that's a red flag so like if if if they're if If they're one
• 42:48
  way at home and another way in the public.
• 42:50
  Like, I'm pretty much the same across the board. Yeah.
• 42:53
  At home, in public, I'll discipline my children in public or at home.
• 42:58
  Exactly the same way. Exactly the same way. The reality is, is I'm consistent.
• 43:02
  The narcissist won't be. They'll be so nice to everyone out in public.
• 43:06
  And then they'll come home and they'll berate and yell at you for nothing. Nothing.
• 43:11
  Yeah, and it's just to make sure that they have control. Once you get to the
• 43:15
  house, they're just to make sure you're alive.
• 43:17
  And then when you start to slip away, they'll pull you back.
• 43:19
  They'll pull you back. But as soon as they're done, they discard you so quickly.
• 43:25
  You know, they leave slow, but they're planning their exit, and they discard you pretty quick.
• 43:30
  And it's like a light bulb goes off. And I was shocked.
• 43:34
  You know, when you're in a marriage for that long, to be with someone that has no emotion afterwards.
• 43:40
  Is unapologetic and you cry and they just
• 43:43
  stare at you with a blank stare you're like who
• 43:46
  the hell did i marry i was shocked i mean
• 43:49
  and i should have known better should have should have ladies we all have hindsight
• 43:53
  yeah but i didn't know better and i you know honestly i was never trained i
• 43:59
  never even heard about it and i made a lot more money than him than in the marriage
• 44:03
  and i had the kids and I took care of the household and I took care of all the finances.
• 44:08
  I was exhausted. He is a gold digger. Yes.
• 44:11
  But you have to be careful. Those gold diggers, a lot of them are narcissists.
• 44:16
  So I think we're correlating both. It's, you know, I think we could have a whole
• 44:19
  podcast on narcissism alone. Alone.
• 44:22
  But I think they need, some men, they need very little. They don't have ambition.
• 44:27
  Yeah. I think partly because they're so used for you to take care.
• 44:31
  Well, I think a lot of men don't have as much ambition unless they have a very masculine drive.
• 44:38
  And because men a lot of times will settle for less than what a woman would settle for.
• 44:45
  But at the end, if a man has a strong masculine ambition, they are going to
• 44:52
  make sure that their woman is taken care of well.
• 44:55
  Yeah. But they support each other though. They do.
• 44:59
  A woman is there to support a man and a man is there to make a
• 45:02
  feel what woman's safe and protected and they should still
• 45:04
  be a provider that's true if if a
• 45:07
  lot of times strong women and i will say this i'm
• 45:10
  probably gonna offend a lot of people again we marry beta
• 45:13
  men we marry men that are not very masculine because
• 45:16
  you're the alpha because we're an alpha a lot
• 45:19
  of alpha men may you know butt heads with you but a really strong man will come
• 45:25
  in and you won't and that you will truly get swept off your feet just because
• 45:30
  of the connection not because of the stuff stuff or the flowers or love but
• 45:34
  a strong man is going to connect with your soul mm-hmm not connect with,
• 45:40
  through manipulation. And it sounds easier than, well, it is kind of easy once you see it.
• 45:47
  Because once you actually see what a narcissist is, and here's the problem,
• 45:52
  I think you got to experience it too. You're going to probably have.
• 45:55
  But the faster you get out of that narcissistic relationship, the better.
• 45:58
  You said they leave very slow. They come in very quick, but they leave very
• 46:02
  slow. Well, then we got to be quicker to leave.
• 46:05
  That's the reality. You're the alpha. Yeah. Well, and we need to be more alpha
• 46:09
  in our relationships because I'm not going to say alpha.
• 46:12
  We need to be more direct and intentional because if we stay in bad relationships, it's on us.
• 46:19
  Yeah. That's abusive. It's on us. It's on us because we allow it to happen. Yeah.
• 46:24
  You're allowed to happen. And now I'm not, I know there are women in physically
• 46:28
  abusive relationships.
• 46:30
  They will stay because they're afraid for their lives or their children's lives.
• 46:34
  And I understand that. But that's a whole different thing.
• 46:36
  We're talking about... Some women that don't want to be alone.
• 46:41
  They're scarce to be out there. Then they need to work on themselves.
• 46:44
  Because you come into this life by yourself and you leave it by yourself no matter what.
• 46:48
  Get back to you have to fill your own hole. Yeah.
• 46:51
  Here's the thing. Here's another sign. My ex and I had combined assets because
• 46:55
  we'd been together for so long. Combined bank accounts, etc.
• 46:58
  I left him a couple times before I got divorced. Before I thought I was cheating.
• 47:02
  It was too much for me and I tried to get away.
• 47:05
  Every time he would change the password on
• 47:08
  all the bank accounts because that's all he cared about where the
• 47:11
  bank accounts as soon as i walk out the door first thing
• 47:14
  he did i he locked me out of all my bank accounts first thing
• 47:17
  first thing yeah didn't cancel credit cards
• 47:20
  but because some spouses will do that so if you're going
• 47:22
  to leave an artist says you got to be careful if they have access to your if
• 47:26
  your accounts first of all and we're going
• 47:29
  to go through this next what to do to protect yourself but and then
• 47:32
  when i found out he was having an affair what did he do he changed the password on
• 47:34
  all the bank accounts again so that's a sign of a gold
• 47:37
  digger right there yes that's all he called cares about
• 47:40
  all the finances all he cared about was the money and honestly going through
• 47:44
  the divorce you could tell all he cared about was the money he didn't care really
• 47:46
  about me or the kids there were this there as a side on the side just to make
• 47:51
  him look good he wants us around he wanted us around whenever it made him look
• 47:54
  good he didn't want us around the rest of the time you look at you as a trophy i'm a trophy.
• 47:59
  And so that's why a lot of professional women, where they find themselves.
• 48:02
  Yeah. That's a whole nother thing. Let's keep going on the gold digger aspect though.
• 48:06
  So the gold digger, one way to protect yourself on every marriage,
• 48:10
  even if it's your first and you
• 48:12
  don't have any assets, I would highly recommend that you set up a prenup.
• 48:18
  Okay. Prenup is a must. A prenup. And what the prenup should say is that,
• 48:23
  and you should set up trusts.
• 48:25
  Okay. You can have a trust in your name and he can have a trust in his name.
• 48:28
  In his name. And if you have children, the trust can be the benefactors of the
• 48:32
  trust could be the children.
• 48:33
  And then you could state that anything that you put into your trust is yours
• 48:37
  and anything that he puts into his trust is his, as long as you agree.
• 48:41
  And the kids will be beneficiaries to it. Yeah. And then the kids will be beneficiaries
• 48:44
  to both trusts. I mean, I'm not an attorney, but that's a route I plan on going on my next one.
• 48:49
  And that way, anything you want to buy together, you can just put into a joint
• 48:52
  account and you can give some joint money.
• 48:55
  But anything you want to go to your children, if you have children or anything
• 48:58
  you want separate, you can have separate.
• 49:01
  Now, a lot of states, not all states, but a lot of states and countries,
• 49:05
  once you're married, your house is going to be split 50-50.
• 49:09
  So you have to realize that the family home is split 50-50.
• 49:14
  But if you have a business prior to entering into the marriage,
• 49:17
  it depends on the state and also depends on the judge.
• 49:20
  So a judge may say, no, you owe this
• 49:23
  guy so much a month to buy him out of the business yeah and
• 49:27
  and there are judges that when you
• 49:30
  get divorced they will require they just pushed for the
• 49:33
  sale of all assets and they push for you
• 49:36
  to to sell off the business and split in the month and split it down the middle
• 49:40
  and then what you have to do is you have to negotiate that out with your attorneys
• 49:43
  you know ahead of time so we we could cover divorce in a whole nother podcast
• 49:49
  how fast you can get divorced how fast and how you need to get divorced That's
• 49:53
  how you need to get divorced.
• 49:54
  That will be the whole new thing. Yeah, but the reality is that you're going
• 49:59
  to need to protect yourself no matter what. No matter what.
• 50:02
  And after leaving a narcissist relationship and finding myself with an autoimmune
• 50:08
  disease now, because I was so stressed out during the marriage.
• 50:12
  That brought it on. Yeah, that was the trigger. One of the triggers. I had a few others.
• 50:16
  But you have to realize it's going to destroy your health. It's not just your pocketbook. Mm-hmm.
• 50:23
  And a lot of women, I think, stay with men, even though they know they're a
• 50:26
  gold digger or a narcissist or whatever.
• 50:28
  Mm-hmm. They stay with them. They stay with them. Because they're afraid to go off on their own.
• 50:34
  But the reality is, and they think they won't be safe or-
• 50:37
  protected or there's something they're getting from the man too
• 50:40
  is the reason they stay most of them are afraid afraid they're afraid
• 50:43
  of change yeah they're afraid of losing the comfort i
• 50:46
  actually call it miserably comfortable i was
• 50:49
  miserably comfortable because i was
• 50:52
  comfortable in my misery and i knew it you knew
• 50:55
  it because what's outside the misery and
• 50:58
  that comfort you don't know is it going to be comfortable
• 51:01
  no and here's the truth it's not comfortable when
• 51:04
  you change ever ever it wasn't like
• 51:07
  people don't like change it wasn't comfortable when you were 18
• 51:10
  years old and you left your parents house and you went off
• 51:12
  on your own yes but it was fun fun so
• 51:16
  it's not going to be comfortable when you leave but it can be fun if you make
• 51:21
  it fun and that's what i that's the approach i've taken is it's been i was miserably
• 51:26
  comfortable and i said you know what i'm never going to be miserable again and
• 51:30
  i've made a point to be comfortable heck this podcast is part of me making sure I'm happy again.
• 51:36
  Yes. And when I am comfortable, it's fine, but I don't like to stay in comfort long.
• 51:41
  I like to constantly push change because I like to be happy and it's fun to change.
• 51:48
  And once you get into that mindset of change and growth...
• 51:52
  You never want to go back to that miserable, comfortable. You also like to be
• 51:54
  challenged. Oh, yeah. That you never want to go back to that misery again.
• 51:58
  That keeps you going. It does. So it is going to be scary in the beginning.
• 52:02
  And divorce is tough, especially if you have children.
• 52:06
  Yes. It's extremely tough. And they will use anything that you want.
• 52:12
  They will force the issue. So don't show your hand.
• 52:16
  If you want something like if you want the custody of the children and you make
• 52:20
  it your primary focus, they're going to go for the custody of children.
• 52:24
  If you say, I would like to have custody of children and I would like these
• 52:27
  assets and you stay calm about it, you're more likely to get ahead than if you
• 52:31
  show your emotion because they love to play on your emotion. Do not show emotion.
• 52:36
  Exactly. That's the first thing they go after. Exactly. That's what nurses do.
• 52:40
  They know your weak spine. They know your insecurities.
• 52:44
  They go. Well, and everybody has a few insecurities. I don't care who they are.
• 52:48
  There's something that they wish they can improve or there's
• 52:50
  some way they wish they could evolve and everybody wants to
• 52:54
  grow and change in a way that we you know
• 52:56
  we know more we can do more and but change is you know what the journey is just
• 53:03
  as fun as the destination i'm here to tell you the journey is just as fun as
• 53:06
  this nation because that's where you grow and when you grow and you develop
• 53:10
  you're going to know that you don't want a gold dig in your life you're going
• 53:13
  to know that you don't want a narcissist in your not in your life.
• 53:16
  You're going to realize how valuable you are.
• 53:20
  And then you don't really need anyone else. And I have so many people. Are you dating anyone?
• 53:26
  Heck, even my ex's mother says, oh, you got to move on. You got to find a man.
• 53:30
  I'm like, you don't need a man. No, she told me, she's like,
• 53:33
  if you're alone for too long, you're just not even going to want a man.
• 53:35
  I was thinking to myself, oh, that sounds so nice.
• 53:38
  Go on the trip with your girlfriend. We have a cruise light up. Exactly.
• 53:43
  I mean, the reality is men are good for a few things that I can't get by myself.
• 53:47
  Yes, I will say that. You will say that.
• 53:50
  But. They're not all of it. I don't want a man invading my space.
• 53:55
  And it would take one special person to really change my mind.
• 54:01
  Now, I will say I've cared deeply about a couple of men since I got divorced
• 54:06
  a couple of years ago, which was good.
• 54:10
  Because I was so broken when I
• 54:13
  came out of my marriage. I didn't realize I could care about a man again.
• 54:16
  And one I think I even loved.
• 54:19
  But the reality is, it's okay. It's okay. Because you can still feel.
• 54:24
  And when you let go of that old relationship and you allow yourself to be vulnerable
• 54:30
  again and feel, I just encourage you to have new boundaries that don't let you fall when you feel.
• 54:36
  And when I say fall, fall in love. Because you can love someone without falling.
• 54:42
  And I think we allow ourselves to fall and then we just disappear after we fall.
• 54:47
  And we allow other people to have control over us and we can't do that no no
• 54:52
  so you have to realize that you will grow through the process you will have
• 54:58
  a prenup in place you will take your time before you get married i mean yes
• 55:03
  do not show your emotion okay so here's the.
• 55:07
  My father got married 14 days after he met
• 55:10
  his current wife are you is it real so
• 55:14
  true but my dad's not a narcissist in fact my dad's my hero he's
• 55:17
  a really genuinely sweet sweet man and
• 55:19
  he found a genuinely sweet sweet woman and she's
• 55:24
  amazing and and they're an amazing couple
• 55:27
  together it was you know so you can't always say oh you have to wait two years
• 55:30
  before you're going to get married because there are going to be times always
• 55:34
  exception yeah there'll be times when you meet someone and it's there's just
• 55:39
  such a huge connection personally i'm not in a place where I would ever move
• 55:43
  in with a man that quickly or get married.
• 55:46
  But, you know, he was divorced for, gosh, 35 years before he did that.
• 55:52
  So he had quite some time to heal.
• 55:55
  Yeah. So for me, I don't have a desire to jump into a huge relationship with
• 56:01
  a man ever right now. It's a part of it right now. Your children is your priority.
• 56:06
  My children, my health, my finances.
• 56:10
  Yeah. That's my priority. and I'm working on it every day and it makes me happy. Now I'll date.
• 56:16
  Oh, it doesn't mean you're not going to date. Yeah. And if I find that special one, then great.
• 56:20
  But the difference is, is I see so many red flags with so many men. See?
• 56:26
  Yeah. It's going to, yeah, that's another thing. Whereas before,
• 56:28
  I wouldn't have looked at them as red flags.
• 56:30
  And the old me would have swept them under and said, oh, they can learn or,
• 56:36
  oh, they can grow or maybe they'll change over. No.
• 56:39
  You're going to see them as a project because. I don't want any more projects. Yeah. See?
• 56:43
  You've done me project. Our job, ladies, is not to raise badly raised boys.
• 56:51
  These men are badly raised boys. Their parents didn't raise them properly.
• 56:55
  They're not respectful.
• 56:57
  They're manipulative. They're trying to take your money instead of going out
• 57:00
  there and being a provider.
• 57:02
  Yeah. They need to step up. They need to step up. They need to open the car door for you, ladies.
• 57:06
  Yeah. That's the sign. Yeah. You know, they need to be respectful,
• 57:10
  and they need to treat you like the prize that you are. And you are not their mama.
• 57:16
  You're not their mama. You're not there to raise them, to fix them. Now, here's the thing.
• 57:21
  When I say that, you are there to be a companion.
• 57:25
  And there will be things that you are better at, and there'll be things that they're better at.
• 57:29
  And we need to respect each other and trust each other and allow each other to grow together.
• 57:34
  And yes, every single... You have to support each other. You do. Here's the reality.
• 57:40
  Every single person you come in contact with is going to change you.
• 57:43
  Your friends are going to change you. Your parents changed you.
• 57:47
  You change by yourself, probably more than with anyone else.
• 57:50
  And then your spouse will change you and your partner if you don't get married.
• 57:54
  Took me a long time. I didn't get married till 43.
• 57:57
  It took me a long time. Well, that's good, because then you were emotionally
• 58:01
  mature when you got married. Yeah, everything mature.
• 58:04
  Up till today, I still say that I'm waiting for someone to clean up after me,
• 58:11
  and that someone makes me feel like... Like a queen. Like a queen.
• 58:16
  Yeah, yeah. It doesn't have to... It doesn't... You don't have to get married
• 58:20
  in your 20s. No, and you don't have to rush in.
• 58:22
  Some women think like, when you hit 30s, the clock is ticking.
• 58:26
  It's not. It's not. It's not. I had my first at 37, my second at 44.
• 58:33
  And there's ways to have children if you don't want to have a man too.
• 58:36
  So don't do it, just have kids.
• 58:39
  No, no matter how old you are, your clock is not ticking.
• 58:43
  That's right. And you should always select the right person.
• 58:47
  You got to have your health though. As long as you take care of yourself, have your health.
• 58:51
  It is so hard for professional women because we need to be more humble at home.
• 58:57
  At home too because it's one thing for us
• 59:00
  to be boss woman at work but if we come home and we're
• 59:04
  boss woman at home with our men we're only
• 59:06
  going to be able to keep beta men yeah because alpha
• 59:10
  men are not going to want us to boss them around at home you may only be with
• 59:13
  a beta boy and i say beta meaning a man that's ex-observient but then will eventually
• 59:18
  want to dominate you in a more of a narcissistic way and steal all your money
• 59:22
  but that the reality is is that if you're with that type of man, it's not good.
• 59:29
  But if you want an alpha man that's going to be a strong leader in your home,
• 59:33
  And someone you can trust and rely on as a strong partner, which quite frankly,
• 59:38
  the power couples that I've seen when there is an alpha man and an alpha woman
• 59:42
  together, it's amazing. It's amazing though.
• 59:45
  They are amazing. Women always get screwed though when we take on beta boys.
• 59:49
  So because they tend to be gold diggers, they tend to be narcissists and they
• 59:52
  tend to be manipulators because the men need to also feel complete and they're
• 59:56
  not going to feel complete if you're too much of a dominant factor over them.
• 59:59
  But they don't step up. No. Because they're very, very insecure individuals.
• 1:00:04
  Narcissists come across as cocky and arrogant, but one of the number one traits
• 1:00:07
  of a narcissist is major insecurity.
• 1:00:10
  And they take it out on you. They take it out on you. They hide it,
• 1:00:13
  but they take it out on you.
• 1:00:14
  I hate it out there, but when they home, they home. You can see it. Yeah.
• 1:00:18
  Yeah. And they'll blame you. And I've heard this so many times.
• 1:00:22
  He'd get mad at me and yell at me in the morning.
• 1:00:24
  In the morning. As soon as I woke up, he'd be yelling at me.
• 1:00:27
  I'm like, what did I do? He's like, well, you slept around. I go,
• 1:00:29
  no, he didn't. He's like, well, I dreamed you did.
• 1:00:32
  And then he'd be mad at me for the whole day. It's not just me.
• 1:00:35
  I met other people that were married to narcissists. They do the same thing.
• 1:00:38
  It's like a manipulation tactic.
• 1:00:39
  I don't know why. I don't know where it came from.
• 1:00:42
  Maybe they put that in their head and they're just thinking.
• 1:00:45
  Yeah. And I never dreamed that about him, ever.
• 1:00:49
  It was in his dreams. No, they project. The things that they're thinking and
• 1:00:54
  the things that they're doing, they project onto you. So if they're accusing
• 1:00:58
  you of having an affair, they're probably having an affair.
• 1:01:01
  I see. See, they project because they have an insecurity and they don't want
• 1:01:06
  to think of themselves as bad.
• 1:01:08
  But the stuff they do that's bad and wrong, they're going to project onto you.
• 1:01:12
  So then that you're equal to them.
• 1:01:14
  Because otherwise, if you're too superior to them, eventually it will get destroyed anyway.
• 1:01:18
  They want to pull you back down, basically, to their level.
• 1:01:23
  Wow. How many percentage are we talking about these narcissists out there?
• 1:01:27
  I think it said there was 13% to 15% in the general population,
• 1:01:31
  but it was like 20% on the dating apps.
• 1:01:34
  Wow, that much? Mm-hmm. You have to be careful. I think there's more than that,
• 1:01:38
  personally. I think so, too.
• 1:01:39
  Yeah. The dating app, it just, I don't know, I never have to go through dating app, which is,
• 1:01:45
  I was fortunate in my days, you know? But now when you're single,
• 1:01:49
  people don't go out and meet.
• 1:01:51
  You just start from the dating app, which is good and bad. You do.
• 1:01:54
  You could scan them and filter them first. Yes.
• 1:01:59
  Now, if you want a stay-at-home man, a man that stays at home and takes care
• 1:02:03
  of the kids, that's not necessarily a narcissist. That's not necessarily a gold digger.
• 1:02:07
  That's a partnership. That's a partnership. Just like there are stay-at-home
• 1:02:10
  women that take care of the kids and stay at home. You agree together. Yeah.
• 1:02:15
  If you agree to that and there's no, you know, oh, that and this is where the finances are.
• 1:02:22
  And like if a man is staying home and taking care of the kids,
• 1:02:26
  I don't look at that as a gold digger at all.
• 1:02:29
  But if you get divorced, you better give him some money, too.
• 1:02:32
  Yeah. You're the you're the the primary breadwinner and you need to take care of him.
• 1:02:37
  Just like a man that was the primary breadwinner that had you stay home and
• 1:02:41
  take care of the kids should be supporting you at a divorce.
• 1:02:45
  So just remember, it goes both ways.
• 1:02:49
  It's, you know, it's fair play. So you have to remember that in the long run.
• 1:02:55
  What we're talking about, a gold digger, someone that is only with you to get
• 1:02:59
  your money. To get your money.
• 1:03:00
  May not even give you kids. And then you get a divorce and they're trying to go after your money.
• 1:03:06
  Or same with a woman going after a man and they only married him for his money. Yeah.
• 1:03:10
  It's only short term, too, I think. By a year or six months in,
• 1:03:15
  they start coming out already.
• 1:03:17
  You see it. What they tend to happen is they flush you with money and then they
• 1:03:21
  start running out of money. Yeah. And then they want you to buy stuff and blah, blah, blah.
• 1:03:26
  And, you know, there's a thing in the Bible. I think it's in the Bible where
• 1:03:30
  it says you should find someone that is equally yoked with you.
• 1:03:33
  Because I will say the people that are the happiest have a partner that is equally
• 1:03:40
  yoked, meaning they're on the same fitness level.
• 1:03:42
  They're on the same emotional. They could be on the same mental level.
• 1:03:47
  To me, mental intelligence is an attraction. To other people, it's not so much.
• 1:03:53
  Some people do like dumb girls. Some people do like dumb men. Dumb men.
• 1:03:57
  It's your attraction. But for me, I want someone close to my intellectual level.
• 1:04:02
  You also want to find somebody, if you're a professional woman,
• 1:04:06
  you probably should find someone, unless you're having them be a stay-at-home
• 1:04:09
  dad, that's on your financial level too. But some old men prefer that, though.
• 1:04:14
  To have a stay-at-home dad? Yeah. But that's not a gold digger.
• 1:04:18
  That's just a man that's a support person.
• 1:04:21
  You know, I mean, you have it. But that support person should still be masculine.
• 1:04:25
  Oh, yeah. He should be, you know, making you feel safe, making you feel protective, you know.
• 1:04:30
  And it may just be that you have the better-paying job, and that's an agreement. That's fine.
• 1:04:35
  It's what we're talking about is when they're just with you to get your money. You do get your money.
• 1:04:39
  Get your money. hurt your help but like financially
• 1:04:43
  emotionally you know to
• 1:04:46
  manipulate you manipulate you so that's
• 1:04:50
  what we talk about today yeah so it has been a
• 1:04:52
  wonderful conversation please do let
• 1:04:55
  us know if you've been through a narcissist relationship in the comments and
• 1:04:59
  let us know if we can help and point you in
• 1:05:01
  the right direction there's lots of services out there for therapy there's
• 1:05:05
  lots of services out there if you need a lawyer and we're
• 1:05:08
  here to help whenever we can because we've been through what
• 1:05:12
  you're going through yeah we just need to share our story so yep just listen
• 1:05:16
  to each other that's it signing off this is diva mia this is diva cat talk to
• 1:05:22
  you soon have a wonderful week thanks for tuning in like subscribe and drop
• 1:05:29
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• 1:05:31
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• 1:05:59
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• 1:06:01
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• 1:06:03
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• 1:06:06
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