Latest / The Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans Podcast / My Kid Repaired with Me!
Transcript
- Heidi: Hello. Welcome to another episode of the Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans Podcast. I'm Heidi Lindemann. I'm your host. I'm a internal family systems therapist, an IFS therapist. I am a single mom by choice to two little girls. I am a lover of feelings, emotions, and I feel a lot of them, as do my children. Here on this podcast I tell stories, real stories of my life. of things happening in our house and hope that those stories help you know that you're not alone and that to also maybe potentially give you some nuggets or some wisdom or some ideas on how to be the parent that you want to be too. So today we have a lovely story. That is quite the ride. Okay. So last night we got home and my girls were doing really lovely together. They were playing, they went outside, they were making some kind of potion or something. I don't know. They had chalk and water in the water table, they put water in it, they put all the chalk in it to make the chalk all soggy and the water all looking disgusting and gross. But they were having so much fun. They were loving it. And they were Getting along really well. I was inside making dinner. I got dinner all made, put it on the table so we could all sit down together. And as we were eating dinner and sitting down, I asked them what's something that was exciting that happened today. And then my five-year-old. She said, Mom, I have an idea. Let's get the duck. The duck is our talking duck. When we're holding the duck, that person gets to talk. I said, that's a great idea. So she grabs the duck and she pulls it over and she's holding it and then she hands it to me. I was like, okay, I'm talking first. And I asked that question. Wondering what was something that was exciting that happened today. And I shared something that was exciting for me. Actually shared about something that had happened the night before at my speaking school, where I learned about tactics. And how that can really help how I talk and how I interact with people. And I tried it with my kids and it was lovely and was fun. I've handed the duck to her. And she holds it and she thinks. Little one starts talking. She starts talking about Elsa and her friends and then her sister looks at her and says, said, little one sweetheart, it's your sister's turn right now. I know you're excited to talk too. When you have the duck, then you can talk. Let's give your sister some time to think and then she can share. It works a little bit, but she does get a little quieter than the older one. And very shyly, kind of bashfully says, I really love my family and my friends, and I'm grateful for my teacher. I really like her. I missed her at school today. I hope she comes back tomorrow. And then she quickly hands the duck to her sister. It's so sweet. My mama heart swells with love hearing how she loves. She loves so many people and she wants to share that. Little one's holding the duck and they ask her what's something that ex was exciting that happened today. She said something about her teacher. And I said, your teacher was at school. Yeah. Was that exciting? It's like, yeah. I was like, What else did you do? I played a lot. Yeah, you played a lot. What else did you do? What who did you play with? And then she names her friends. She played with her friends. And they ran around and they rode bikes. She was so excited to talk and she loves to talk and just kept going on and telling me about all kinds of things that happened and then adding some things that I'm sure didn't actually happen, but in her mind are happening. Like, and then Elsa and Anna came. Frozen characters. And then there was a dragon. So cool. You had a lot of fun today. And then she hands the duck to me. And we go around and we do that. I ask a couple questions. I ask them if they have any questions that they want to ask. And we had this lovely, connected dinner that we haven't had in a while. And it reminds me of how How important it is to actually give everybody intentional time to be to speak and to be heard and to be listened to. And w then some other things happened and I had just told them earlier, It's bath night. We haven't taken a bath in a while and I don't know when the last time I gave you a bath, so we're gonna take a bath. You're gonna take a bath tonight. They usually love baths except for the cleaning of their hair part. And I tell them, we have to clean up first, then we're gonna take a bath. So the faster we can clean up, the longer you have in your bath. So you could play in the bath. And if we don't have enough time, if it gets too short, then we're gonna have to only be able to clean ourselves. So if you want time to play in the bath, let's clean up the living room floor real fast. Let's see if we could do it real fast. I was the only one who cleaned up the living room floor. Sorry. They sat there and did nothing. I felt a little frustrated. It's really hard for me at times to feel like the whole weight of cleaning up is on my shoulders. As it often does feel that way. I felt a little lightheaded, a little frustrated. And I wanted it different. And then I looked outside and I was like, they were playing outside. There's a lot of stuff outside And I told them they need to go outside and clean up and they did. It's like, that's surprising. outside and they're cleaning up all by themselves and they're just doing it. I stood by the door and I and continued to encourage them. You're doing a great job. Keep cleaning up. Yeah, you gotta keep I see how you're scooping the chalk with a shovel into the bucket. Keep going. Get all that chalk scooped into the bucket. They were doing 'cause they didn't want to touch the chalk that was wet because they said it felt sticky and gross. They eventually touched the chalk that was gross and sticky with their hands and put it in the bucket and then started colouring me with it. And then I encouraged them again, go ahead, put in the bucket. Let's keep going. So we can get in the bath and you can have time to play. And they get they get it all cleaned up eventually with a little more encouragement from me, okay? And then we get in the bathtub, they play in the bathtub, I set a timer for how long they can play. Timer goes off, we go back and forth, clean w one portion of one kid, then the other por and then one portion of the other kid, and back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, because they both want the other kid to get cleaned first. So we just did them a little bit at a time. Then we got to cleaning their hair. This is the hardest part of the bath always. Take deep breaths. Tell them to look up so I can dump water on their hair. Little one screams at me and says, No, no, no, no, no. I said, I know you don't want to. We need to clean your hair. Look on up. Then I pour water on the back of her head even when she's not looking up. She then does eventually look up so I can dump water on her head to get her hair clean. Same thing with the older one. Need to pour water on her hair to help get her to look up. She hates hates hates hates getting water in her face. Her screams when she gets water in her face are intense and big and loud and grating inside my body. And I always have a towel right there so I can wipe her face off as quickly as we can. And she has to get clean. And she also has to wash her face. Get them clean. My older one, still unhappy, doesn't want to get out of the bathtub. I pick her up, put her out of the bathtub. My younger one's already out of the bathtub, all wrapped up in her towel, and I tell her it's time for us to go upstairs to get ready for bed. She's screaming and doesn't want to. She wants me to be p to be carried. I carry them both up like babies. They wanted little one wanted to be baby Elsa. She has an Elsa towel. So I carry baby Elsa up the stairs. Other one wants to be baby Spider Man because she has a baby s she has a Spider Man towel. I carry baby Spider Man up the stairs. She's screaming at me that she's cold and not to put her in her bed. Her bed is right next to the air conditioner, so that makes sense that she doesn't want to go in bed. But I wasn't gonna put her in her bed. I put her in my bed. She still didn't like it. She continued to scream, to kick, to cry. To scream at me that she was cold. I told her I can I got her some some pajamas. It's like, here's some pajamas, we can put on. And she screams no at me and continues to kick and refuses pajamas. It's like, mm-hmm. Thinking in my head, she's in a bed. There's covers right there. She can cover herself up. She could put pajamas on. She's dysregulated. She's not gonna do any of it. I'm just gonna get her sister ready. So I focus on her sister. I get her sister in No, she didn't want to wear pajamas. I just dried her off. Brushed her teeth. She'd easily opened her mouth and just let me brush her teeth. You know. Normal light. Tell them to do things and they're like, nah, I'm gonna do something else. Whatever, whatever. It's all good. I was fairly okay during most of this. A little frustrated, particularly with my older one, who continued to scream at me that she was cold and didn't want to put on pajamas. Like, okay, you don't want to put on pajamas. I'm a little annoyed about this. Whatever. I give myself space by getting the little one ready. Helps me actually feel calmer. And then I go to my older one with her toothbrush because it's time for us to brush your teeth. And put up in pajamas if you want to wear them. And she screams at me, but I'm hungry. You're hungry You're hungry. You're hungry. When dinner time was there you threw your fish sticks off of your plate. You threw the banana off of the plate and refused to eat any food. You ate your yogurt and I think some cheese. And now you're hungry. Man, that's tough. It's tough to not eat your dinner. And she kept screaming and screaming and screaming at me that she was hungry. I was getting very frustrated and very flushed because all I wanted now was for that girl to be asleep in her bed because of how dysregulated she was. She was kicking me when she was on the bed. She was kicking her sister as I was trying to get her ready. She was trying to scratch me. I was holding her feet down as I was brushing her sister's teeth to not let her sister get hit. Kicked. I told her very firmly, I said, You need to stop kicking us. Stop hurting your sister. She stopped hurting your sister and she started hurting me instead. She's like, You told me to stop hurting my sister. I'm like, Well stop hurting me too. I don't like that either. And she didn't she couldn't control herself then. She punched me in my arm. Continued to kick, continued to scratch. I did after I was done brushing your sister's teeth, pick up her sister and walk away from her, which she really hates when I do that. I'm not gonna get kicked anymore. Stop kicking me. Stop hurting me. I don't like it. And she screams at me, but I'm hungry. I'm like, well then go downstairs and get some food. There's still food on the table. Eat your dinner. I say very, very, very, very frustratedly. Not okay at this point. And yet we still go downstairs and I have boundaries when we go downstairs. I'm like, you may not eat sugar, you may not have candy. No, that is not what we are doing. And then I looked at the table like, oops. I actually cleaned up the table and I ate the extra fish sticks that were on the table because dinner time was over. So she didn't actually have any food on the table. She had already eaten all of her yogurt. Her little sister did have some fish sticks on the table still. and then I told her, You can have how about this banana? Have a banana. I didn't say how about, I said, here's a banana, you can eat that. She said, No, I don't like that. You can have an apple. No, I don't want that. You can have a piece of cheese. No, I don't want that. You cannot have anything that is sugar. No. You cannot have stuff that's in the freezer. We're not making more food right now. No. What are you doing? And she it's like, I want that chew stick right there. And I give her one of the teething chew sticks that we still have in the freezer. And che chews on it. I'm like, That's not food, but mm okay. And I'm standing in the kitchen, frustrated, but also part of me kinda giving up of like I don't know what to do with this kid right now. Don't know what she wants to eat. I'm very clear I'm not gonna let her eat sugary, snacky food. We're not gonna continue this cycle of we don't eat dinner and then we get snack snacky, junky type food. No. And she opens the fridge. I watch. She opens a the cheese and meat drawer. Thinking she's gonna get a piece of cheese. No. She pulls out the turkey meat. Huh. This might go better than I thought it was gonna go. And she pulls it out and puts it on the counter. Opens it up. I help her get one slice out and I roll it up. I hand it to her. And she eats it. She ate the turkey. She chose protein. Ugh, that's gonna be helpful. She's probably gonna be able to regulate a little more, I think. And then I watch as she completely calms and changes her energy and her tone. Then she tells her sister, we are not taking our food upstairs. You can eat it right here. We're not having any sweets right now. And she looks at me and says, Okay, I'm done, let's go. Whoa surprised me in my head. That was a major shift. Okay. Let's go. We walk back upstairs. We brush our teeth again. Older one very easily just does it, brushes her teeth. And I'm sitting on the floor. And she comes over to me and she looks at me and she says, Mom, I'm really sorry that I was hitting you and hurting you and scratching you And she hugs me. And I feel so much gratitude and relief and real connection happening with her again. And she just repaired with me. I'm near tears as I kiss her head and I say, Thank you so much. That means a lot to me that you apologized. You know you were having a hard time. And we hug and we snuggle. And it's so sweet. And then we read books. Mm. Get her to bed. And then an hour later when my little one finally fell falls asleep, and I go downstairs and I think to myself, My kid knows what a real true repair is. She named the things that she did that she's actually sorry for doing. Now she didn't quite name what she's gonna do in the future. We're working on that one. Sh I'm helping her. But she knows how to really repair, how to own what she did, and she knows what she did wasn't right. And she can apologize for that. And I didn't ask her to apologize. I didn't say you have to say you're sorry. I actually have very rarely done that. Occasionally, but very rarely do I say, you just hurt them, now go tell them you're sorry. So that was genuine and I could feel the difference or that genuineness from her. That sense of like, No, I'm truly sorry, Mom. I really didn't wanna hurt you and I'm sorry that I did. That like real deep a a sense of What feeling is that? Feeling sorry, feeling apologetic, feeling Maybe guilty, I don't know. Guilty would be s she did something that she wasn't happy that she did, which is what happened. And then she owned it. She owned what she did. It was a good, good moment. And I was proud of myself for being in that moment with her and having done whatever I've been doing with them to get to a place where she's genuinely apologizing. It was amazing to feel that sense of connection with her. And I know I've done so much repair with her. There's been many things I've apologized for. The ways that I yell, the way that's that I raise my voice, some of the words that I use at times. And I am have been working on all of that since the moment it started. And I'm much better. Still not perfect. Never probably will be. But I'm making a change and I'm being active in what I'm doing. And I think she sees it and notices. And now she's learning how to do that too. And that's pretty amazing. So yay for repair. Yay for a kid knowing how to repair. For being taught that it's okay to name your feelings and your behaviors and own them. Mixed up. What do we do instead? For all those mamas out there who are repairing with your kids over and over and over again. And you know that it actually matters, it makes a difference. One day they're gonna repair with you. It's probably gonna feel really good. So keep it up. Keep noticing what you're doing, naming to them when things don't go the way that you wanted them to go when it felt really icky. Playing it out and then telling them what you're doing instead and how you're trying to change it, and actually change it. Work towards that different type of parenting. Not perfect parenting. But different, growing, always changing. You're doing a good job, Mama. That's our story for today. And I look forward to you listening again. I don't know. I look forward to something. I look forward to me talking again. may you be blessed. And if this resonated with you, I'd love it if you could share it with another mom, another parent, someone else who might be needing to hear this. And if it really resonated with you, I'd love a five-star. rating and writing a review. I know those five star ratings and reviews. That's what really makes podcasts grow. And get to more mamas and get to more people who need to hear real stories from a real life person perspective of round emotions and what it's like to be in that space with kids as a mom. All right. Until next time.