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04 - The Flying Inn - GK Chesterton · Daily Classic Sci Fi Books

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: The inn fine's wings. Mister Humphrey Pampa stood in front
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: of his end once more. The clean and loaded gun
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: still lay on the table, and the white sign of
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: the ship is still swung in the slight sea breeze
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: over his head, but his leatherish features were knotted over
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: a new problem. He held two letters in his hand,
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: letters of a very different sort, but letters that pointed
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: to the same difficult problem. The first ran, dear hump,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: I'm so bothered that I simply must call you by
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: the old name again. You understand, I've got to keep
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: in with my people. Lord Ivywood is a sort of
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: cousin of mine, And for that and for some other reasons,
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: my poor old mother would just die if I offended him.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: You know her heart is weak. You know everything there
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: is to know in this county. Well, I only write
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: to warn you that something is going to be done
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: against your dear old inn. I don't know what these
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: countries coming to. Only a month or two ago I
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: saw a shabby old pantaloon on the beach with a
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: green gamp talking the craziest stuff you ever heard in
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: your life. Three weeks ago I heard he was lecturing
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: at ethical societies, whatever they are, for a handsome salary. Well,
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: when I was lost at ivy Wood, I must go
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: because Mamma likes it. There was the living lunatic again
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: in evening dress and talking about people who really know,
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: I mean, who know better. Lord Ivywood is entirely under
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: his influence, and thanks him the greatest prophet the world
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: has ever seen. And Lord Ivywood is not a fool.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: One can't help admire him. Mamma I think wants me
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: to do more than admire him. I'm telling you everything, humph,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: because I think perhaps this is the last honest letter
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: I shall ever write in the world. And I warned
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: you seriously that Lord Ivywood is sincere, which is perfectly terrible.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: He will be the biggest English statesman, and he does
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: really mean to ruin the old ships. If you ever
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: see me here again taking part in such work, I
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: hope you may forgive me somebody we mentioned whom I
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: shall never see again. I leave to your friendship. It
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: is the second best thing I can give, and I
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: am not sure it may be better than the first
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: would have been. Goodbye, JB. This letter seemed to distress
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: mister Pump rather than puzzle him. It ran as follows, Sir,
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: the Committee of the Imperial Commission of li Cure Control
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: is directed to draw your attention to the fact that
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: you have disregarded the Committee's communications under Section five A
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: of the Act for the Regulation of Places of Public Entertainment,
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: and that you are now under Section forty seven C
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: of the Act amending the Act for the Regulation of
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: Places of Public Entertainment. Aforesaid. The charges on which prosecution
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: will be founded are as follows. Violation of sub section
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: twenty three of the Act, which enacts that no pictorial
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: signs shall be exhibited before premises of less than the
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: ratable value of two thousand pounds per annum. Violation of
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: subsection one thirteen of the Act, which enacts that no
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: liqure containing alcohol shall be sold in any inn, hotel,
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: tavern or public house, except when demanded under a medical
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: survice from one of the doctor's licensed by the State
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: Medical Council, or in the specially accepted cases of Clerridge's
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: Hotel and the Criterion Bar where urgency has already been improved.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: As you have failed to acknowledge previous communications on this subject,
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: this is to warn you that legal steps will be
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: taken immediately. Were yours truly ivy word? President J. Lewison's secretary,
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: Mister Humphrey Pump sat down at the table outside his
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: inn and whistled in a way which, combined with his
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: little whiskers, made him, for the moment seem literally like
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: an ostler. Then the very real wit and learning he
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: had to turn slowly into his face, and with his
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: warm brown eyes he considered the cold gray sea. There
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: was not much to be got out of the sea.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: Humphrey Pump might drown himself in the sea, which would
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: be better for Humphrey Pump than being finally separated from
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: the old Ship England might be sunk under the sea,
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: which would be better for England than never again having
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: such places as the old Ship. But these were not
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: serious remedies, not rationally attainable, and Pump could only feel
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: that the sea had simply warped him, as it had
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: warped his apple trees. The sea was a dreary business altogether.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: There was only one figure walking on the sands. It
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: was only when the figure drew nearer and nearer and
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: grew to more than human size, that he sprang to
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: his feet with a cry. Also, the leveled light of
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: morning lit the man's hair, and it was red. The
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: late King of Ithakah came casually and slowly up the
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: slope of the beach that led to the old ship.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: He had landed in a boat from a battleship that
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: could still be seen near the horizon, and he still
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: wore the astounding uniform of apple, green and silver, which
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: he had himself invented as that of a navy that
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: had never existed much, and which now did not exist
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: at all. He had a straight naval sword at his side,
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: for terms of his capitulation had never required him to
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: surrender it. And inside the uniform, and beside the sword,
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: there was what there always had been, a big and
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: rather bewildered man with rough red hair, whose misfortune was
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: that he had good brains, but that his bodily strength
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: and bodily passions were a little too strong for his brains.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: He had flung his crashing way on the chair outside
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: the inn before the innkeeper could find words to express
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: astounded pleasure in seeing him. His first words were, have
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: you got any rum? Then, as a feeling that the
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: attitude needed explanation, he added, I suppose I shall never
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: be a sailor again after to night, so I must
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: have rum. Humphrey Pump had a talent for friendship, and
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: understood his old friend. He went into the inn without word,
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: and came back idly pushing or rolling with an alternate foot,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: as if he were playing football with two balls at once,
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: two objects that rolled very easily. One was a big
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: keg or barrel of rum, and the other a great
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: solid drum of cheese. Among his thousand other technical tricks,
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: he had a way of tapping a cask without a
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: tap or anything that could impair its revolutionary or revolving qualities.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: He was feeling in his pocket for the instrument with
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: which he solved some questions when his Irish prince suddenly said,
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: bolt upright as one startled out of sleep, and spoke
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: with his strongest and most unusual brogue. Oh thank you
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: hump a thousand times. And I don't really think I
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: wanted something to drink at all, now that I know
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: that I can have it, I don't seem to want
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: it at all. But what I do want? And he
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: suddenly dashed his big fist on the little table so
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: that one of his legs lifted and nearly snapped. What
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: I do want is some sort of account of what's
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: happening in this singland of yours that shan't be obviously
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: just rubbish, ah, said Pump, fingering the two letters thoughtfully.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: And what do you mean by rubbish? I call it rubbish,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: cried Patrick Delroy. When you put the Koran into the
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: Bible and not the Aporpham and I call it rubbish.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: When I met Parsons allowed to propose to put a
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: crescent on Saint Paul's cathedral. I know the turks are
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: our alleys now, but they often were before. And I
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: never heard that Palmerston or Colin Campbell had any truck
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: with such trash. Lord ivyword is very enthusiastic, I know,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: said Pump with a restrained amusement. He was saying only
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: the other day at the flower show here that the
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: time had come for a full unity between Christianity and Islam,
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: something called Chris lamb perhaps, said the Irish man with
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: a moody eye. He was gazing across the crane purple
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: woodbines that distretched below them at the back of the inn,
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: and into which the steep white road swept downwards and disappeared.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: The steep road looked like the beginning of an adventure,
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: and he was an adventurer. But you exaggerate, you know,
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: went on pump polishing his gun about the crescent on
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: Saint Paul's. It wasn't exactly that. What doctor Mole suggested.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: I think was some sort of double emblem, you know,
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: combining cross and crescent and guard the crescent, muttered Delroy.
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  Speaker 1: And you can't call doctor Mola Parson either, went on,
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: mister Humphrey Pump, polishing industriously. Why they say he's a
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: sort of atheist or what they call an agnostic, like
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: Squire Brunton who used to bite elm trees by Marley.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: The grand folks have these fashions, cap'n, but they have
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: never lasted long that I know of. I think it's
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: serious this time, said his friend, shaking his big red head.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: This is the last inn on this coast, and will
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: be soon the last inn in England. Do you remember
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: Saraesun's head and plumsy along the shore there? I know,
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: assented the innkeeper. My aunt was there when he hanged
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: his mother. But it's a charming place. I passed there
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: just now, and it has been destroyed, said Delroy. Destroyed
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: by fire, asked Pump, pausing in his gun's trubbing. No,
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: said Delroy, destroyed by lemonade. They've taken away it's license,
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: or whatever they call it. I made a song about it,
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: which i'll sing to you now, And with an astounding
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: air of suddenly revived his spirits, he roared in a
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: voice like thunder. The following verses to a simple but
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: dispirited tune of his own invention. The saracen's head looks
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: down the lane where we shall never drink wine again
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: for the wicked old women who feel well bred. Head
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: turned to a t sho of the saracen's head. The
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: saracen's head at a ferry bee came King Richard, riding
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: in arms like flame, and where he established his folk
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: to be fed. He set up with his spair and
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: the saracen's head. But the saracen's head outlived the king's.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: It thoughted it thought of most horrible things, of felt
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: enough soap, and of standard bread, and a saracen drinks
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: at the saracen's head. Hallo, cried Pump with another low whistle.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Why here comes his lordship, And I supposed that young
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: man in the goggles is a committee or something. Let
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: him come, said Dilroy, and continued in a yet more
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: earthquake bellow. So the Saracen's head fulfills its name. The
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: drink no wine. It's ridiculous game, and I shall wonder
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: until I'm dead how it ever came into the Saracen's head.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: As the last echo of this lyrical roar rolled away
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: among the apple trees and down the steep white rode
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: into the woods, Captain Dilroy leaned back in his chair
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: and noted good humoredly to Lord Ivywood, who was standing
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: on the lawn with his usual cold air but with
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: slightly compressed lips. Behind him was a dark young man
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: with double eye glasses and a number of printed papers
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: in his hand, presumably j Levison's secretary. In the road
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: outside stood a small group of three, which struck Pump
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: as strangely incongruous, like a group in a three act farce.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: The first was a police inspector in uniform, the second
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: was a workman in leather apron more or less like
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: a carpenter, and The third was an old man in
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: a scarlet Turkish fez, but otherwise dressed in very fashionable
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: English clothes in which he did not seem very comfortable.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: He was explaining something about the end to the policeman
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: and the carpenter, who appeared to be restraining their amusement.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Find song that, my Lord said Delroy with cheerful egotism,
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: I'll sing you another, and he cleared his throat. Mister Pump,
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: said Lord Ivywood, in his bell like and beautiful voice.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: I thought I would come in person, if only to
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: make it clear that every indulgence has been shown to you.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: The mere date of the saying brings it within the
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: statuette of nineteen o nine. It was erected when my
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: great grandfather was Lord of the manner here, though I
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: believe it then bore a different name. And ah, my
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: Lord broken Pump with a sigh. I'd rather deal with
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: your great grandfather. I would, though he married a hundred
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: negresses instead of one, than see a gentleman of your
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: family taking away a poor man's livelihood. The act is
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: specially designed in the intrusts of the relief of poverty.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: Preceded Lord Ivywood in an unruffled manner, and its final
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: advantages will accrue to all citizens. Like he turned for
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: instant to the dark secretary, saying you have the second report,
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: and received a folded paper in answer. It is here
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: fully explained, said Lord Ivywood, putting on his elderly eyeglasses,
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: that the purpose of the act is largely to protect
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: the savings of the more humble ends necessitous classes. I
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: find in paragraph three we strongly advise that the deligerous
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: element of alcohol be made illegal, save in such places
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: as the Government may especially exempt for parliamentary or other
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: public reasons, and that the provocative and demoralizing display on
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: ensigns be strictly forbidden, except in cases thus especially exempted.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: The absence of such temptations will, in our opinion, do
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: much to improve the precarious financial conditions of the working class.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: That disposes, I think of any such suggestion as mister Pump's,
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: that our inevitable acts of social reform are in any
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: sense oppressive to mister Pump's prejudice, it may appear for
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: the moment to bear hardly upon him. But and here
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: Lord Iverywood's voice took one of its moving or rhetorical turns.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: What better proof could we desire of the insidiousness of
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: the sleepy poison we denounce? What better evidence could we
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: offer of the civic corruption that we seek to cure
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: than the very fact that good and worthy men of
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: established repute in the county can, by having in such
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: places as these, become so stagnant and sodden and unsocial,
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: whether through the fumes of wine or through meditations as
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: modeling about the past, that they consider the case solely
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: as your own case and love at the long agony
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: of the poor. Captain Delroy had been studying ivy Wood
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: with the very bright blue eye, and he spoke now
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: much more quietly than he generally did. Excuse me one moment,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: my lord, he said, But there was one point in
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: your important explanation which I am not sure I've got right.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: Do I understand you to say that those sign boards
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: are to be generally abolished, Yet where, if anywhere, they
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: are retained, the right to sell or mental liqure will
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: be retained. Also. In other words, though an Englishman may
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: at last find only one ensign left in England, yet
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: if the place has an ensign, it will also have
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: your gracious permission to be really an inn. Lord Iverywood
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: had an admirable command of temper, which had helped him
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: much in his career as a statesman. He did not
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: waste time in wrangling about the captain's locusts stand in
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: the matter. He replied, quite simply, Yes, your statement of
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: the facts is correct. Whenever I find an ensign permitted
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: by the police, I may go in and ask for
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: a glass of beer, also permitted by the police, if
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: you find any such Yes, answered ivy Wood, quite temperately.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: But we hope soon to have removed them altogether. Captain
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: Patrick Delroy rose enormously from his seat with a sort
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: of stretch, and yawned. Well hump, he said to his friend,
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: the best thing, it seems to me, is to take
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: the important things with us. With two sided, staggering kicks,
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: he sent the keg of rum and the rolled cheese
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: flying over the fence in such a direction that they
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: bolted on the descending road and rolled more and more
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: rapidly toward the dark woods into which the part disappeared.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: Then ripped the pole of the ensign, shook it twice,
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: and plucked it out of the turf like a tuft
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: of grass. It had all happened before anyone could move.
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: But as he strode out into the road, the policeman
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: ran forward, Delroy smacked him flat across the face and
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: chest with a wooden sign board so as to send
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: him flying into the ditch on the other side of
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: the road. Then turning on to the man in the fece,
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: he poked him with the end of the pole so
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: sharply in his new white waistcoat and watch chain as
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: to cause him to sit down suddenly in the road,
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: looking very serious and thoughtful. The dark secretary made a
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: movement of rescue, but Humphrey Pump, with a cry, caught
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: up his gun from the table and pointed it at him,
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: which saw alarm Jay Levison's secretary, as to cause him
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: to almost double up with his emotions. The next moment, Pump,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: with his gun under his arm, was scampering down the
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: hill after the captain, who was a scampering after the
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: barrel and the cheese. Before the policeman had struggled out
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: of the ditch, they had all disappeared into the darkness
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: of the forest. Lord I we Would, who had remained
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: firm through the scene without a sign of fear or
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: impatience or rival ad amusement held up his hand and
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: stop the policeman in his pursuit. We should only make
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: ourselves and the law look ridiculous, he said, by pursuing
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: those ludicrous rowdies. No, they can't escape or do any
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: real harm in the state of modern communications. What is
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: far more important, gentlemen, is to destroy their stores and
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: their base. Under the Act of nineteen eleven, we have
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: a right to confiscate and destroy any property in an
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: inn where the law has been violated. And he stood
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: for hours on the lawn, watching the smashing of bottles
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: and the breaking up of casks, and feeding on fanatical pleasure,
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: the pleasure his strange, cold, courageous nature could not get
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: from food, or wine or women. End of the in
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: fine swings,