Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E1 - Starting Fresh: Rediscovering the Heart of Parenting (Understanding Kids Aren't Rational)

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S2E1 - Starting Fresh: Rediscovering the Heart of Parenting (Understanding Kids Aren't Rational) · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where
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  I give you insight awareness and
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  enlightenment about your parenting and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode, I am
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  rebooting.
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  So, first of all, I'm so sorry that it has been a while since I have put out an episode.
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  I took a little bit of a break.
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  I launched a couple of training programs for clinicians
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  and brought on a new therapist at the center.
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  There's been all kinds of awesome stuff happening in
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  my life professionally and I'm doing CEUs now.
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  I'm coaching. I started a collective online.
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  So there's just been a lot and
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  I've really been focusing on
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  training
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  therapists and clinicians to be the best child
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  centered play therapists that they can be.
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  And so I apologize for the break, but I'm glad to be back.
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  I'm thankful that you all are patient and gracious with me,
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  but we are going to take a little bit of a turn
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  in a new direction for this podcast.
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  So I want to make you all aware of what that looks like so that
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  you know what to expect for those of you who have been with me forever,
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  I promise you,
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  you will still get the valuable content that
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  you've always trusted and expected from me.
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  For those of you who might be new, just found out about the podcast.
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  And you've noticed that I haven't put anything out in a couple of months.
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  I think you will be really pleased with the new direction as well.
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  And let me give you a little bit of background of why we're going to make this change.
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  As I mentioned,
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  I've been working a lot with clinicians that has become a huge part of my training.
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  And I found out through speaking with all of these therapists all over the world
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  that they have been working with children in their practices.
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  And they've been referring the parents of their clients
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  to the parent podcast.
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  And I have,
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  I've always done this Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  just for parents in general,
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  not specifically with kids in play therapy,
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  just a parenting approach through the lens of child-centered play.
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  So I was really surprised to hear that
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  so many of them were using the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  as a means through which they were sharing skills and tips
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  and tools and techniques to actually support the therapeutic process.
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  So
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  that was interesting for me to discover and my Play Therapy Podcast,
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  which is specifically for therapists.
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  I have been going
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  in a curriculum driven fashion
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  from start all the way through everything they need to know
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  almost in a seminal approach to the child-centered play Therapy model.
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  And I realized that if therapists are sending parents
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  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast, I
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  think it would be really helpful to be
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  more intentional about curriculum rather than just topical discussions
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  or something related to kids and parenting and the child-centered approach.
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  So I promise whether you're new or you've been around with me for a long time,
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  I think this is gonna be a really helpful turn for us.
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  So
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  here's what I have in mind
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  and I would love to kind of unpack this for you.
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  I'd like to make the podcast more curriculum driven.
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  And that essentially means you're going to get a master class
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  in child-centered play therapy, parenting.
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  So you will get strategy,
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  you will get a framework, you will get a system,
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  it will actually give you tangible and practical
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  scripts and frameworks
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  and templates for how you can use the
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  child-centered play therapy approach in your parenting.
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  But intentionally in a very master class from the ground up we build
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  and everything is a foundation for the next thing that we discuss.
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  So I'm really excited about it and there's a proposal I have for you all
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  my clinicians that are listening to the Play Therapy Podcast.
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  I started with them just a once a week podcast,
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  which is what I've been doing with the play therapy, parenting since its infancy.
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  I had so many therapists emailing me with questions. I actually added a second day.
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  So now I do two podcasts a week for my therapists
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  because one is a curriculum podcast and one is me answering a question.
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  So I wanna throw it out there.
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  If you all would like me to answer parenting questions that you have.
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  Throw me a scenario. Throw me what happened?
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  Throw me a problem that you have a struggle at home.
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  You've tried to implement some child-centered play therapy skills and
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  it went awry and you're not sure what happened.
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  I would love to if there's a demand and an interest and a need
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  to add a second question podcast each week for you all too.
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  So if you would like to have a question answered on a second podcast each week,
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  you can email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com,
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  Singular kid brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  And I would love to
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  have that as an additional episode each week.
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  It'll depend on how question oriented you all are, I guess.
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  But
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  to launch this new approach,
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  I wanna leave you with something practical and
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  helpful in this reboot and explanation episode.
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  I don't want it to just be me sharing the new vision with you.
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  I want to help you understand
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  the greatest foundational tenet
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  of interacting with your kids
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  to preserve the relationship.
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  So we'll dive into that
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  the path to calm, confident and in control parenting starts now.
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  All right. So
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  one of the things that
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  child-centered play therapy is predicated on
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  is that kids are not rational.
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  And I know I've mentioned this in earlier episodes,
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  I know we've discussed this before.
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  I know that some of you have heard of this concept and some of you even say yes,
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  that's something I would agree with.
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  But here's why it has to go beyond the knowledge of it.
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  We as adults
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  are cognitive, intellectual, rational,
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  we think through
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  situations
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  actually in lieu of feeling
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  through situations often.
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  So from our concrete black and white logical brain based approach to the world,
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  we have a very difficult time recognizing that a child has none of that capacity.
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  They are emotional. They are here and now
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  they are in the moment
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  they are governed by their feelings.
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  Their brain is overridden by their emotions.
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  The brain has no say in decision making,
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  the brain has no concept
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  of consequence in an emotional moment.
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  They do not think they feel
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  so often what will happen as adults in a child's world,
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  we will diminish
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  the severity of the feelings that they feel.
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  Our child starts crying because
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  their friend took a toy from them
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  and we try to convince them that they shouldn't be crying about that.
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  Hey, that's not something to cry about. You don't need to be sad about that.
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  We share, we share our toys. That's what a good friend does. We should
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  and we move into brain based logical, rational reasoning,
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  conversation with our kids,
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  but they're not rational.
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  They are 100% emotional in that moment
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  and their emotions are real and they're big
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  and they're significant
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  and they're overwhelming.
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  So when we act as if a kid should not feel the way
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  they do because we see it as something silly or frivolous or unnecessary,
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  it fractures the relationship that we have with them.
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  Here's another thing that we do,
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  the child impulsively does something based on how they felt in the moment
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  and we ask them questions.
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  Why did you do that? What made you think that was ok?
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  Why would you throw a shoe across the room?
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  You know, you're not allowed to hit your brother.
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  What in the world were you thinking?
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  We start to ask all these questions
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  and here's what we're missing.
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  Kids aren't rational
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  when they give you the answer. I don't know
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  which frustrates the daylights out of us. Right?
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  They don't know.
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  That is a truthful, honest answer on their part.
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  They don't know why they did it because they didn't think through it at all.
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  It was emotionally reactive in the moment.
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  I got angry. I reacted.
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  That's it. There was no brain interaction
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  in the entire process
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  that also fractures a relationship because kids live in their hearts.
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  And when we start asking them questions,
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  it forces them into their heads and they're not comfortable there.
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  So when they ignore you, when they blow you off, when they give you one word answers,
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  when they shrug and go, I don't know.
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  That's their way of saying
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  I'm uncomfortable. What you're doing to me right now.
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  And
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  if we truly grasped the concept
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  of kids are not rational,
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  it changes the entire approach to all of our interactions with them
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  because
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  it helps us to connect with their emotions and reflect those back to them.
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  It helps us to acknowledge what they're dealing with
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  and get to the why behind their behavior
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  instead of getting frustrated that they're throwing themselves on the floor.
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  If we have that second pause where we say
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  they're not rational, this just feels too big for them right now.
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  That changes our entire approach because instead of saying you stop it right now,
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  you get up, you will not act like this in public, but
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  none of that is helpful.
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  A child can't receive it anyway.
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  When a child is drowning, it's not the time to teach them to swim.
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  We don't ever want to try to lecture or teach or impart wisdom
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  when a child is emotionally upheaved,
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  they can't receive it.
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  So not only does it frustrate them, but it frustrates us.
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  So not only is that
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  completely moot at that point, the child can't even hear what you're saying,
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  but it, it would be completely different
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  and our approach would change a lot.
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  If we would kneel down, get on their level and say
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  you're really mad right now,
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  you're so angry,
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  but the store is not for screaming and laying on the floor in
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  now. All of a sudden we've met the child where they are,
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  we have validated what they're feeling because,
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  as I've mentioned in many episodes before,
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  a child's feelings are always valid.
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  Even if the behavior is unacceptable,
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  they're not wrong for being mad.
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  They didn't do anything wrong or that they shouldn't have because they're upset.
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  They really wanted that box of,
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  I'm trying to think of a junkie kid cereal. I don't even know. Oh, lucky charms.
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  They really wanted that box of lucky charms. And you said no,
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  that's overwhelming to a child.
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  You don't care about them. You don't love them.
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  If you were a good mom or dad, you would let them have that box of cereal.
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  And I'm gonna show you how upset I am
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  at the injustice of it all by throwing myself on the floor.
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  That is age appropriate reaction.
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  We so often forget that kids are supposed to get angry and not know what to do with it.
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  How many adults do you know
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  that get angry and don't know what to do with it and handle things really poorly.
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  I know all of you are nodding your heads right now.
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  Some someone's face just popped into your head in that moment and you're like,
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  oh yeah, that joker is a mess when he's mad or she's mad.
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  Why? Because we have to develop
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  self control. We develop
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  rational thinking, we develop an emotional vocabulary,
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  we develop regulation.
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  A child does not have any of those capacities.
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  We should never expect them
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  to not get mad and lose their minds. Sometimes
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  the way to preserve the relationship,
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  the way to make sure nothing gets fractured.
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  The way to meet them in their inability to be rational and reasonable
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  and intellectual and cognitive
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  is that we get on their level.
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  We're a thermostat. We're not a thermometer.
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  And if you have no idea what I'm referencing,
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  that's a rule of thumb from the parent training program,
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  Landreth and Bratton.
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  And that's one of the rules of thumb we've covered in earlier episodes.
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  If you're new to the podcast, please feel free to go back and listen to that one.
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  That's a really helpful one,
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  but
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  we're a thermostat. We're not a thermometer in the moment.
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  We reflect their feeling, we help them feel heard and understood
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  and then we set a limit on the behavior.
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  Do you see how all of a sudden now we've gone to what the child is
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  capable of handling rather than expecting the child
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  to come to what we want them to handle
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  when developmentally it's not possible.
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  And now I can hear what's, what's swimming around in your brains. OK. Brenna.
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  Hold on now.
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  So you're telling me that my child's never going
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  to be able to be rational and reasonable.
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  No, you just have to wait till they're 13.
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  So, abstract reasoning kicks in around the 13 year mark.
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  So, unless you have a 14 or older child,
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  your child is not capable
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  of using their brain
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  in moments of emotional upheaval.
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  If we understand that,
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  then all of the child-centered
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  play therapy skills
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  that we talk about in our podcast
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  become so much more significant and relevant and important
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  to parenting our kids.
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  Because the child-centered approach is age appropriate,
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  it's developmentally appropriate
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  and it's geared for kids capacity
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  based on
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  where they are,
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  which is in their emotions.
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  So we reflectively respond
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  and if that's unfamiliar to you, there's episodes on that,
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  but it's tracking behavior, reflecting content, reflecting feelings,
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  I promise in our new curriculum,
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  I'm going to re-cover it because it's always helpful to have a reminder.
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  We have our four pillars.
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  If that's unfamiliar to you, I promise we'll cover it.
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  But that's reflecting feeling limit setting, choice, giving encouragement,
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  all of the rules of thumb from Landreth and Bratton's CPRT program.
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  Why do all of those have such significance to the way that we parent
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  because it meets kids where they are instead of expecting them
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  to come into the adult world when they're not adults.
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  The beauty of this knowledge that kids are not rational
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  is we have the capacity to be in both worlds.
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  We as adults who are cognitive intellectual beings, we can live in our default,
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  which is the thinking.
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  But we can also go to the feeling
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  which is where our kids are.
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  We are the only ones in a parent, child relationship
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  that can go back and forth
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  our 13 and under kids cannot come to the rational cognitive thinking world.
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  They don't even have a concept of what that looks like.
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  Their brains aren't ready for that yet.
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  They will never come to you. You have to go to them.
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  If we grasp this,
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  it revolutionizes
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  the way we parent and it revolutionizes the way that we interact with our kids
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  every single moment from here forward
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  when you are interacting with your kids,
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  if what's running through your head in the background is
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  my child isn't rational.
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  It will give you such a different approach
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  to everything you say and do with your kids and guess what will happen?
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  They will feel more accepted, they will feel more heard,
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  they will feel more validated.
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  They will be less frustrated with you, you will be less frustrated with them.
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  There will be less power struggles, there will be less fights,
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  there will be less tantrums.
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  Everything you've ever wanted in an ideal scenario of a parent,
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  child relationship,
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  you will be on your way to getting there
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  if you remember and always have in the front of your mind
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  that kids are not rational.
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  So we're starting there,
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  everything else comes and is built off of that notion.
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  The child-centered way is designed to deal with
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  kids that are only ever in their emotions.
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  So everything that we talk about moving forward is
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  going to have that as a foundational awareness.
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  So I hope that you find that helpful. I, I hope it's a reminder
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  to really hone in on that this week when you are
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  interacting with your kids to have that in your mind.
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  My child is not rational.
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  I can't expect them to be, let me go to them, not expect them to come to me.
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  So I hope that's super helpful to you again.
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  If you want to reach out to me,
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  I would love to hear from you brenna@thekidcounselor.com
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  and we will talk again soon. Have a great week. Bye.
• 18:04
  Thank you for listening
• 18:05
  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
• 18:09
  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
• 18:12
  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.