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The quiet exhaustion of the highly sensitive man (INFJ / INFP) · Lightbearer's Library

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's a kind of exhaustion that doesn't come from doing too much in our lives.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: It comes from us trying to fit ourselves into places, spaces, groups, work that is not built for how we experience life on the inside.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: And we maybe start to get used to, used to it, used to kind of pushing parts of ourselves down or not listening to parts of ourselves.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like we think, oh, well, I can just adapt myself and my sensitivities or whatever it might be to the situation.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: It'll be okay, you know.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um but then over time, it's like it starts to wear on us and drain our energy, and we start to think we're not coping very well with, you know, probably probably a job because you know, it's like spending so much time in that job or a relationship, spending so much time in a relationship.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's when we start finding that exhaustion getting deeper and deeper, it's the cost of staying in that environment, in that relationship, in that job that requires us to abandon ourselves in small ways over and over and over again.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that all adds up and it's all all exhausting and draining.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so we maybe start to feel like something's wrong with us, you know, as individuals.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like we look around and see that everyone else is doing just fine.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone else just seems to go about their days, and you know, they just they do it just fine.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: And we start to wonder what's wrong with us.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I think at some point we can feel like I'm just tired of trying.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And we can start to spiral downwards, you know, because we we're we're exhausted both mentally from trying to figure figure out how to fit in, and and emotionally and physically our bodies start to maybe show signs of this this stress and this mismatch.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And it can lead to not very good places.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I know with myself and my husband, who's a highly sensitive INFJ, um, he struggles with this a lot, um, of wanting to, you know, contribute to to the society, to the world with his gifts, with his offerings, and just feeling like the things that he has to offer aren't aren't welcome or aren't seen.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And and so perhaps some of that is what you have in in your work or in relationships.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're just not being seen for who you are, and you're you so you're trying to adapt yourself, you know, to fit in.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And and I know he's done that most of his life, is just adapting to be what other people want, to you know, offer the world things that people want to buy, but they're not what he wants to give.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And and that's that's a difficult place to be in because you know, sometimes, you know, it requires making money to, you know, we've got to fit ourselves in somewhere.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: But but that means that there's an exhaustion that sets in.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I know my husband's at that place of just feeling exhausted.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: So it's you're not alone and trying to do normal life, quote unquote, like like most people can leave us feeling invisible because no one else understands what we're going through.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: No one else sees it.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, what are you even talking about?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Just like go to your job, like do your whatever.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it it's it's isolating because we we can't even talk about what it is that we're going through inside with anyone because they just will look at us like maybe we have three heads or something.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um but it's that exhaustion of of like this self constantly self-adjusting ourselves, constantly thinking about what we're saying and how it will be seen, like heard by someone else, or what what we what we do in our lives that we have to do to maybe fit in or not be seen as weird or, you know, um, and I know I know a lot of us are like, whatever, like I I don't need to fit in, and but sometimes when it comes to work or jobs, it feels like we do because it's it um you know, it can feel a bit scary.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how are we going to pay for the bills?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like if, you know, so I think we're also not broken for for not fitting in.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's not we're not broken.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's like the world, you know, the world is the world's the the broken thing, you know.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I see it.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's when I look around, I don't see anything healthy or life-affirming or kind or or all the things, all the things that I have, like this vision of how the world should be.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, I'm an idealist at heart, and same with my husband, it's like I just want the world to be a kind place, a a gentle place for our individual human souls, for each one of us to be seen as as precious and beautiful.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And but, you know, that's not the way the world is.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: So, but that doesn't mean that we're broken for wanting, you know, for seeing the world that way or for not fitting into the world the way it is.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it can leave us a bit maybe panicky, a bit stressed, a bit uncertain um about what to do about this sort of this feeling of maybe existential alienation, like we're alienated on a on a being level, that our beingness is not welcome in the world as it is.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that sort of simply existing in in the world as it is is is hard.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so it's like you're not alone in feeling this.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I feel this, my husband feels this on a daily basis.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: I know he's been struggling with with this the last few days, just with with the work that he's trying to offer the world and the writing, and it's just not it's not it's not it's just not working.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: So it's kind of like yeah, I think there's a there's a heavy cost to being who we are.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah, so I don't have I don't have all the answers.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have I don't have very many answers.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I I think that we can't we can't solve this in a day.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: It takes navigating our our internal, you know, our internal emotions.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I think part of the solution is to just simply sit with ourselves, maybe putting a hand on your heart.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you're feeling this exhaustion and feeling broken or of not fitting in, and just honoring that, honoring that feeling, honoring your your yourself and acknowledging the pain and the suffering and the alienation that you feel and the exhaustion.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think so often we run away from those difficult feelings.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't know about for you, but I I like I feel like it will get worse or it will get darker, or it's like if I go down that, if I acknowledge that, if I feel that, then it's like who knows, it could get darker.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: There could be more feelings, worse feelings under there, right?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's like I don't know.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: But in my experience, that's not what happens.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: It it's like we when we do this, when we sit with ourselves and we acknowledge that, whether it's through writing, journaling, through just having a conversation in our mind about it, we can start to, like in my last video, I said, we can start to be on our own team.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: We can start to feel like, okay, like at least someone, at least someone acknowledges what I'm feeling.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: At least someone is is is seeing me, right?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: When we see ourselves, we and when we acknowledge the stuff that's inside, then we we start to step onto our own own team.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, yes, someone sees me, I see me, I acknowledge the pain and the suffering that I'm feeling.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that I think is the start of the spiraling upwards, is is just, you know, there's kind of a relief in that and and and a shifting and a movement because from that place of reality, of truth, you know, by acknowledging all those things, we're telling ourselves the truth.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't fit, you know, this is exhausting me.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: I am constantly like shifting and changing myself to be in these positions.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's like we can start to decide things for our lives moving forward with having acknowledged that truth.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, yeah, it sucks.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: This world was is not built for us as gentle, highly sensitive souls, empaths, whatever, all the words that we we use, artists.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, just feeling deep feeling, deep thinking people, it's not built for us, you know.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: So of course we're gonna feel alienated.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, and it sucks sometimes, it really does, you know, but we we can burn ourselves out from trying.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's part of the acknowledgement of saying, I think I need to, I think I need to make some changes.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And um, and then by acknowledging that, that truth and acknowledging that, we can start to put the energy that we've been putting into trying to fit in, trying to keep the job that we we've been, you know, in for many years or whatever it might be, the relationship, we can start to take that that all that energy that that's that's draining us.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: We only have so much energy to to to within our life force, within our bodies, right?
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we shift that away from the world and trying to fit in towards, you know, out-of-the-box thinking, using our intuition, using our our our deep thinking and deep feeling towards what is it that we're needing and wanting out of life, and and and putting that energy towards building um small changes for ourselves that will make a huge difference, you know, whether it's just I need more time outside and you know, in in the nature or whatever it is.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I know that you know there are things that are are nourishing and replenishing, and it's like sometimes we just need to give ourselves permission to do those things.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I think one of those things that I've seen for other men is that it's like you don't have to, you don't have to do this alone.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: There are other other men out there who feel this same same sense of of trying to live the in the world in this way.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like if this resonates with you, then it's like I host a small group of gentlemen, and we we just talk about whatever's fully present in this moment, whether it's a transition in in work or in relationships or whatever it is of of just even trying to express it in some way is helpful out loud, right?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we just need to speak words out loud to be able to acknowledge the truth and and sit with it.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe sometimes it's not as scary when we share it with others.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it's not as dark, the it feels really lightening.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And um so if this feels like something that might be useful to you, the next, the next conversation, the next gentleman's group is on next Tuesday, this coming Tuesday, June 23rd.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Is it 23rd?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: I wrote it down.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: 23rd, yeah, at 6 to 7:30 mountain time.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I would love to have you there, but if not, then I'm really glad that you're here anyway.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: And um yeah, I just wish you so many blessings.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: We can we can do this, we can spiral upwards together, and I uh I'm just so grateful that you're here in the library.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: So um many blessings signing up for today, XOXO Kate.