Latest / DA CREW Podcast / 6/20/25 BASIC BLAQUE AFTER DARK |PANEL DICUSSION WITH BLAQUE DIAMOND

Transcript

6/20/25 BASIC BLAQUE AFTER DARK |PANEL DICUSSION WITH BLAQUE DIAMOND · DA CREW Podcast

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Kkkkk legs and gentlemen, may I have your attention please?
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: The show starts in ten nine eight seven, six five four.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: You read Shoot Gold.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: Hey everybody, this is Black Diamond, and you're tuned into
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: Basic Black after Dark. You know that's the show that
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: meets you where you are and gives you exactly what
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: you ask for. Tonight, we're going deeper than ever before.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: You've been following the Habitual Liar, the book that I wrote,
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: and there's no mistake in the way that it's spelled,
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: then you already know this story is more than just deception.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: It's about survival. It's about trauma, identity and the dangerous
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: truths we hide even from ourselves. But now it's time
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: to do the work. Alongside this groundbreaking psychological thriller, we're
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: diving into the Habitual Lile workbooks series, cracks in the surface,
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: strengths and the core not easily broken. Now that's a
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: space created for those ready to confront their truth, process
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: their pain, and reclaim their power. Before we begin tonight's
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: panel with our wonderful panelists, let's check in on the
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: last segment. So we're going to talk to our panelists
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: about the workbook that we introduced last week, well the
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: last month, and we were talking about quotes, and that
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: exercise was on page twenty one. It was a reflective
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: space to identify the words that breathe life into our
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: healing journey, whether it's a quote that isis or in
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: powers or ground you in your truth. So here's our
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: question to our panel, and we can all bring them
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: up right now. Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, welcome, parent, welcome, beg, Welcome, Shana, Welcome, Bobby,
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: and welcome, welcome, welcome to Cole. Hey, we got Rachel
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: that's going to be joining us too, and we also
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: have doctor will be coming in.
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: Hen you guys, hear me.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: We got you coming in loud and clear. You got you,
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: We got you. You're here, we got you. You're with
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: us now, Rachel. So we got you, me and you,
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: loud and clearing. What I'm going to do is I'm
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: backing everybody up to what you were written or supposed
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: to have written, because I caught a couple of you
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: that didn't do the homework. So I'm going to catch
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: you right now with the quote that you were supposed
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: to do on page one, so drop it in the
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  Speaker 2: chat tag us online, or just take a moment to
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: say it out loud because your voice maddens. You're healing matters.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: Let's do the work together, and let's do it tonight.
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: So there was quotes.
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: That was on that page that I was expecting everybody
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: to at least try to do for while listenings and viewers.
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: Drop it in the comments, sharing in the line.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: A chat or posted using the hashtag. Hashtag not easily
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: broken to uplift one another with words that healing in power.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: So let's turn the page literally and emotionally to a
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: section of access to go deeper. Let about that? What
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: resonated with you the most of those two quotes. Any
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: one of my panelics can answer that.
• 4:46
  Speaker 4: So so I'm telling me that somebody do their homework again.
• 4:57
  Speaker 5: Actually, fish quote which did one.
• 5:01
  Speaker 4: Page twenty were on page twenty one.
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  Speaker 3: There's two quotes on those papes.
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  Speaker 5: Okay, they would do the most.
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  Speaker 3: Either one.
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  Speaker 5: I think the second is the second.
• 5:24
  Speaker 6: I did the second one.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: Most people did the second one. Tell me about it
• 5:35
  Speaker 3: about the second one? What about that second?
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  Speaker 7: Well, from my perspective, Nicole you mentioned or big from
• 5:47
  Speaker 7: you want to go head.
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  Speaker 6: I put, your mental health is just as important as
• 5:53
  Speaker 6: your physical health. It's okay not to be, it's okay
• 6:00
  Speaker 6: not to be happy. You are not your mental health
• 6:08
  Speaker 6: is your mental health issue. Your struggles do not define you.
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  Speaker 6: Taking care of your mental health is an act of
• 6:16
  Speaker 6: self care. You are a vessel of happiness and peace
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  Speaker 6: of mind.
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  Speaker 3: So that's the one that resonated with you the most. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: what way do.
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  Speaker 2: You your healing process?
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  Speaker 3: Well do to me?
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  Speaker 6: Having a strict upbringing and having a lot of things
• 6:44
  Speaker 6: happen to me in my life, I feel like mental
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  Speaker 6: health is the key for me to heal, seeking a
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  Speaker 6: counselor you know, doing self care, taking time out to
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  Speaker 6: do things for yourself and have a balance between work
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  Speaker 6: and work and play.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, and what about you as well?
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  Speaker 5: What's that herding to me?
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  Speaker 3: You said that the second one resignated with you as well?
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  Speaker 3: What about that second one resignated with them?
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  Speaker 7: Well, my my response was pretty close to hers. Your
• 7:40
  Speaker 7: emotional health is just as important as your physical health.
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  Speaker 7: It's okay to be, it's okay, it's okay not to
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  Speaker 7: be happy.
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  Speaker 5: You are not your mental self mm hmm.
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  Speaker 7: Your struggles do not your struggle do not define you talking.
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  Speaker 5: Taking care of your mental health is an act of love.
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  Speaker 5: You are you are, You are deserving of happiness and
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  Speaker 5: peace of mind.
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  Speaker 3: So what about that quote? It's helpful.
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  Speaker 7: Right in and for me personally, which is personally to
• 8:32
  Speaker 7: all of us, but for me and the idea of
• 8:38
  Speaker 7: being able to take care of you, because if you
• 8:40
  Speaker 7: are not mentally healthy, then everything else about.
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  Speaker 5: Your health goes down.
• 8:45
  Speaker 7: In from there, you have to be mentally healthy, mentally
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  Speaker 7: strong just to endure the challenges of this world. So
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  Speaker 7: it all starts in the mind. If you want to
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  Speaker 7: be strong, is it, you have to first make up
• 9:01
  Speaker 7: your mind to do so. If you want to be
• 9:04
  Speaker 7: strong and healthy emotionally, you have to first make up
• 9:07
  Speaker 7: your mind to do so. So if your mind is
• 9:09
  Speaker 7: not at im and I think and I'm them on
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  Speaker 7: level for performance and every everything everything else about yourself.
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you're right.
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  Speaker 2: But then there's some people that's just not ready and
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: don't accept that there's a mental health concern. I'll say that,
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: m another thing I have been dealing with. They didn't
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  Speaker 2: recognize it, and sometimes some people never do.
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  Speaker 3: Go ahead.
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  Speaker 6: Yeah, another thing I wanted to say is you know,
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  Speaker 6: being that I came from a big family. I always
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  Speaker 6: had looked up to others and always did for others,
• 9:53
  Speaker 6: and expected over and beyond for others, And then when
• 9:57
  Speaker 6: it was time for me to get what I needed,
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  Speaker 6: you know, from others, I was always not, you know,
• 10:03
  Speaker 6: getting what I put out. And it's very important that
• 10:06
  Speaker 6: you take care of yourself and look out for yourself,
• 10:10
  Speaker 6: even though it is good to take care of others
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  Speaker 6: as well, and that I feel like there can be
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  Speaker 6: a damper on your mental health if you always taking
• 10:18
  Speaker 6: care of other people and not yourself.
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: Well, I look at that as if it's the plane,
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: the airplane ride. You have to be able to put
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: that mask on yourself before you can help the person
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  Speaker 2: that's next to you. So self care is to me
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: the best care. But we're gonna go right into and
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: dive into what's coming up for today. We often learn
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: how to love ourselves through how we are loved as children.
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: When it goes well, we feel it, we absorb it,
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  Speaker 2: and we carry that self worth into adulthood. But for me,
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: many of us, that love was conditional, confusing, or even absent.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: Effects of that still lingers on the question WIX one
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  Speaker 2: tonight is what didn't you receive in childhood that you
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  Speaker 2: now know would help.
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  Speaker 3: You heal today?
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  Speaker 2: Can anyone identify something that you needed in childhood emotionally
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  Speaker 2: or physically that you never received. And it's not to
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  Speaker 2: say whether you have a good parent or a bad parent.
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  Speaker 2: We're not bashing our parents. It's just that as kids,
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: we want certain things. I was just going over with
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: my son, you know, he was reminiscent about his high
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: school and I had to remind him that it was
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: very difficult for me with and he got very upset
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  Speaker 2: with me because I didn't get it for him. But
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: now he's looking back at it and said, mine, now
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  Speaker 2: I know why I.
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  Speaker 3: Didn't need it.
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  Speaker 2: We were in a different place then then we are now.
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  Speaker 2: And I said, yeah, I was in survival mode and
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  Speaker 2: you were a child, so it was in something I
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  Speaker 2: was willing to share with you, but I was looked at.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: I'm quite sure about you as the mean mommy. I
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  Speaker 2: wasn't getting you the things that your friends had. But
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: he sees differently now. I said, now, your dad, so
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  Speaker 2: now you have to go through that same journey maybe
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  Speaker 2: that I did, but hopefully that you'll be able to
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  Speaker 2: explain it to him. And Nicole, you had your hand
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  Speaker 2: up with that one.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I did.
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  Speaker 6: I didn't get a lot of material things, and I
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  Speaker 6: felt like I should have because I was an honor
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  Speaker 6: student and it was a lot of other kids that
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  Speaker 6: weren't honor students that was getting a lot of material
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  Speaker 6: things such as cars and you know up today hairdos
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  Speaker 6: and all of that. And also my dad was with
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  Speaker 6: a strict so it was only certain people that I
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  Speaker 6: was allowed to go out with because if he didn't
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  Speaker 6: talk to their parents about their parental style, I wasn't
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  Speaker 6: going and he made that very clear. And now I
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  Speaker 6: do the same thing with my child. But at first
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  Speaker 6: I didn't want I didn't like the fact that he
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  Speaker 6: would call the persons that you know, I was going
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  Speaker 6: out with parents to see when when they when we
• 13:05
  Speaker 6: were going, well we were going when we was coming
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  Speaker 6: back in their parental style. But now I understand that
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  Speaker 6: in these times that it's a good thing to do.
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  Speaker 2: More so than it was physically, Nicole, was it more
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  Speaker 2: emotional or was it physical?
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  Speaker 6: It was more emotional because I feel like, you know,
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  Speaker 6: I do well, I don't cause any problems in school,
• 13:41
  Speaker 6: and and it was a differ because I really wanted
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  Speaker 6: to be able to socialize more. I didn't feel like
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  Speaker 6: my parents trusted me enough to do the right thing,
• 13:54
  Speaker 6: you know, so they held these parameters on when I
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  Speaker 6: can go in, when I can come now, and I
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  Speaker 6: feel like, you know, there was no trust between me
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  Speaker 6: and my parents.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I'm so glad that you was able to build
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: that trust between you and your children. Now, if anyone
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  Speaker 2: can go back and speak to their younger self, what
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: would you say or give them? Just think about it,
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: your younger self. You can pick any age, any error.
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  Speaker 2: If you can go back and speak to your younger self.
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  Speaker 2: And I see some of you smiling because I see
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: that y'all got some stuff that y'all want to tell them.
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  Speaker 2: What would you say to them or what would you
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: give them? I can't hear you, miss, Bobby, Bobby, I
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: can't hear you.
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  Speaker 1: You're on you.
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  Speaker 3: Oh got you?
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: Now?
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  Speaker 8: I would I would tell myself that you do have
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  Speaker 8: a voice, and you're not crazy. You do have a voice.
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  Speaker 8: That's that's what I would tell my younger self. Because
• 15:02
  Speaker 8: of the power.
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  Speaker 3: In having I guess permission.
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  Speaker 8: I went through the not to really digress on that
• 15:12
  Speaker 8: first question, but I realized that the trauma or the
• 15:18
  Speaker 8: drama or the whatever it was that I had to
• 15:22
  Speaker 8: be healed from today did not start with just me
• 15:26
  Speaker 8: encapsulating me. As you said, Black Diamond, my mother already
• 15:30
  Speaker 8: had trauma. You know it just you know, maybe as
• 15:34
  Speaker 8: a child, I see it from my perspective, you know,
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  Speaker 8: of what's happening to me or not happening to me.
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  Speaker 3: But I would tell my younger.
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  Speaker 8: Self, you have a voice, you still can, you can
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  Speaker 8: say something. And as you were talking about with your son,
• 15:50
  Speaker 8: and after he got older than he could say, oh okay.
• 15:53
  Speaker 8: So I knew what was going on in my perspective,
• 15:57
  Speaker 8: but I didn't know that this was a general ahead
• 16:00
  Speaker 8: of me. So the healing that that I got today
• 16:06
  Speaker 8: came about by finding out this secret that I have
• 16:11
  Speaker 8: a voice, because always such a you know, growing up
• 16:14
  Speaker 8: you had to have as a child, you didn't speak
• 16:17
  Speaker 8: unless you know, you just didn't have a voice. But
• 16:20
  Speaker 8: I would tell myself say something anyway. It would have
• 16:24
  Speaker 8: kept a lot of painful things. I believe, even if
• 16:28
  Speaker 8: as a child from happening, just say it anyway, it's okay.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: I think it's important for us as parents to give
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: our children permission to be able to use their voice,
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: because so many of the children are hiding behind speak
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: when you're spoken to, you know, and it could be
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: it could be in some cases abuse, and because you
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: weren't spoken to about it your whole day, it in
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: you're not telling anybody. And then you grow up with
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: what some people consider a secret, and then they may
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: say to you, why are you saying something about it now?
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: Because many of us grew up with you don't speak
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: unless you're spoken to, you understand, and they feel as
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: though they didn't have a voice, and at this point
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: in their life as an adult, many think nobody wants
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: to hear them. Many believe that people don't believe them.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: So I definitely get it. So giving them permission and
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: permitting them to have a voice is.
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: Very, very important, very important. VGU was going.
• 17:39
  Speaker 5: To say, Oh no, I was justrry out. It's difficult,
• 17:45
  Speaker 5: you know.
• 17:45
  Speaker 7: I mean when you talk about memory, I can't help
• 17:49
  Speaker 7: you there because I don't have one.
• 17:53
  Speaker 5: I can't speak on that.
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  Speaker 3: We're going to help you along with that.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: We're not talking about how far anybody got to go back,
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: because there's some places that I don't want to go.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: There's some places in decades that I don't even want
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: to think about. That'll probably still shock me if I
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: had to tell my younger self. My younger self, I say,
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: are you kidding me?
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: So I'm with you on that, DG. So don't worry
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: about that. We got you on that, because I'm telling you.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: I have a huge picture of myself in my front room,
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: and my kids thought that I didn't hang it on
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: the wall because I didn't have anybody to put it
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: up there for me. But that's not the reason why
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: it's on the floor. The reason why it's on the
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: floor and it's about the size of one of my grandchildren,
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: is because I look at that picture every day and
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: I see in the eyes of that little girl the
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: things that she went through, and every day I go
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: past her, I apologize to her for the life that
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: she had. And some may think that I'm crazy for
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: thinking it, but for some reason, I see as life
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: is going on for me, and I apologize and I'm
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: trying to make things different and never a better light.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: I see a different light in the eyes of that child,
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: and I'm just so proud that I'm.
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: Able to do that.
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: And that gets me through because I said someday you
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: won't be that child anymore. So that's the child that's
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: still inside of me, that I'm still nurturing, that I'm
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: still parenting.
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: So that's gonna stay there.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: So I'm hoping I don't come on one day and
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: my son say, oh my I wanted to hang a
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: picture up, Leave it right where it's at, because I'm
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: meeting her where she's at. If you're hanging it up,
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: she's above me. I don't want her there. She needs
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: to be right there because she's still that child right now.
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: So when she comes up, she'll come up at the
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: level where I need for her to be. So that's
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: just that's just me talking and ranting and whatnot. Doctor
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: c Doctor Callan Stephans just joined us and we were
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: talking to our panel about healing the real for you,
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: and we had some that answer the question that if
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: they can go back, I can speak to the younger self,
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: what would they say or give to themselves? And then
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: we also asked them that can they identify something that
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: they needed in childhood emotionally or physically that they never received. So,
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: doctor Stevens, I would like to ask you. I would
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: love for you to join in here as a clinical therapist,
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: how do you see these unmet childhood needs showing up
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: in the adult clients that you work with?
• 20:30
  Speaker 6: Okay, Now I want to make sure you all can
• 20:32
  Speaker 6: hear me. I have a little bit of text. Can
• 20:37
  Speaker 6: you guys hear me?
• 20:38
  Speaker 3: Yes, Okay, yes we can. I think I'm going to
• 20:40
  Speaker 3: try to join in on another way.
• 20:42
  Speaker 6: Okay, And so I did hear the question, But would
• 20:47
  Speaker 6: you went to repeat your I mean I heard part
• 20:50
  Speaker 6: of the conversation, So could you repeat the question for
• 20:53
  Speaker 6: me dying?
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: Yes?
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: Yes, what I'm saying as a clinical therapist, how do
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: you see these met childhood needs showing up in the
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: adult clients that we work with?
• 21:06
  Speaker 6: Oh? Okay, that's an interesting question. I recently had this conversation.
• 21:15
  Speaker 6: So without making my answer to lengthy okay. So, in therapy,
• 21:24
  Speaker 6: we use one of the models that we follow by
• 21:28
  Speaker 6: is called Maslow's hierarchative needs leading. People who don't do
• 21:32
  Speaker 6: therapy probably are familiar with Maslow's hierarchative needs. It's usually
• 21:36
  Speaker 6: represented by a pyramid, and on the bottom of the
• 21:40
  Speaker 6: pyramid and as it goes up, then they have listed
• 21:46
  Speaker 6: certain needs that a human being has to develop properly.
• 21:51
  Speaker 6: Or holistically safety. And then at the bottom of the
• 21:57
  Speaker 6: list the pyramid is the safety and as you go
• 22:01
  Speaker 6: up to the top of the pyramid, it's called self actualization.
• 22:06
  Speaker 6: And so Maslow believe that when people miss out on
• 22:12
  Speaker 6: any of these breeds in their life, especially growing up
• 22:15
  Speaker 6: as a child or a teenager, if they skipped in
• 22:18
  Speaker 6: getting these kinds of needs met, then it showed up
• 22:22
  Speaker 6: in their adulthood. So to your question, absolutely, For example,
• 22:29
  Speaker 6: if you have if you have an adult like I do,
• 22:32
  Speaker 6: have some adult clients who live in a lot of fear,
• 22:37
  Speaker 6: that fear may show up in the way that they
• 22:41
  Speaker 6: handle let's say money, right, And then when you start
• 22:46
  Speaker 6: to talk to them about their childhood, you may find
• 22:50
  Speaker 6: out that they came from a neglectful family, or they
• 22:55
  Speaker 6: came from an eglectful parent, they came from a family
• 23:00
  Speaker 6: that encountered severe poverty, that they grew up not getting.
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: Their needs met.
• 23:08
  Speaker 6: So then what happens is that because in that area
• 23:13
  Speaker 6: they were never properly developed, when they become an adult,
• 23:17
  Speaker 6: then those unmet needs show up in them as an adult.
• 23:22
  Speaker 6: It may come out in fear, it may come out
• 23:26
  Speaker 6: in them resembling the same kind of unmet need that
• 23:34
  Speaker 6: they experienced in their life, Like they grew up not
• 23:38
  Speaker 6: being a nurtured person, then when they grow up and
• 23:43
  Speaker 6: begin to parent, they may be that kind of parent
• 23:47
  Speaker 6: that is not that is not nurturing. So certainly when when,
• 23:51
  Speaker 6: when when individuals grow up not getting their needs met,
• 23:56
  Speaker 6: then when those needs are not met, and how you
• 24:02
  Speaker 6: meet those needs in your adult life and by first
• 24:05
  Speaker 6: identifying that you have some needs that have been unmet,
• 24:11
  Speaker 6: that's the first thing. But if you don't recognize that
• 24:15
  Speaker 6: get help for it, then they can show up in
• 24:19
  Speaker 6: your adulthood.
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: Yes, wow, thank you, thank you so much for that.
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: And for those tuning in, this might be the first
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: time that you thought about your childhood this way. Take
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: a moment and ask yourself, what didn't I get as
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: a child that I still need now and how can
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: I begin to give that to myself today? Old wounds
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: have a way of showing up uninvited, through a memory,
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: a relationship, a trigger, or even in moments of stillness
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: when those past hurts me surface. What helped you hold
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: space for them and what truly supports your healing in
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: those moments? Somebody on the panel child for that one.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: When those past herds resurface, what helped you hold space
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: for them?
• 25:08
  Speaker 9: So out chair, So just to answer the question, so
• 25:11
  Speaker 9: you know where I'm coming from.
• 25:12
  Speaker 10: So what didn't I get in my childhood that would
• 25:17
  Speaker 10: help me heal today?
• 25:18
  Speaker 9: Would be validation so for my biological father.
• 25:23
  Speaker 10: So I struggled with feeling worthy and my identity at
• 25:30
  Speaker 10: times because of that, I even had any emotional security.
• 25:34
  Speaker 10: And I realized that when I got married and I
• 25:39
  Speaker 10: realized how much it actually was affecting my relationship. There
• 25:46
  Speaker 10: were times where I felt like I was okay, and
• 25:50
  Speaker 10: like doctor Stephen said, you know, the first step is
• 25:53
  Speaker 10: just identifying that you have this issue, and I would
• 25:59
  Speaker 10: just cover it up as I'm okay, you know, I understand.
• 26:04
  Speaker 10: But I had questions as a little girl, you know,
• 26:08
  Speaker 10: and I would ask my mom like why doesn't he
• 26:11
  Speaker 10: want me? Or why doesn't he want to be here?
• 26:15
  Speaker 10: And I don't know that it was anything that, you know,
• 26:19
  Speaker 10: maybe he was struggling with his own things. But this
• 26:24
  Speaker 10: little girl, And back to your what you said about
• 26:28
  Speaker 10: that little girl like diamond is sometimes that little girl
• 26:32
  Speaker 10: and me still want my dad.
• 26:36
  Speaker 9: I did.
• 26:36
  Speaker 10: I do have my stepfather who has been in my
• 26:39
  Speaker 10: life since I was three, so he has been my dad,
• 26:43
  Speaker 10: but for me, it was I wanted my dad. So
• 26:48
  Speaker 10: what I do to help me heal those.
• 26:52
  Speaker 9: Wounds when they do resurface.
• 26:54
  Speaker 10: It's just reminded myself of the truth, and that is
• 26:57
  Speaker 10: that I am worthy and that I am enough, and
• 27:00
  Speaker 10: that my value is not defined by who didn't show up.
• 27:05
  Speaker 10: So the challenges that I face during that process, it's
• 27:10
  Speaker 10: just letting all of that expectation because again, my thirty
• 27:14
  Speaker 10: six self, I still want my dad sometimes and.
• 27:18
  Speaker 9: We do talk. You know, it's not like I wanted
• 27:21
  Speaker 9: to be.
• 27:22
  Speaker 10: I do still have that desire and I have shared
• 27:25
  Speaker 10: this with him as well, that I do have the
• 27:27
  Speaker 10: desire to still build a relationship. I know the little
• 27:31
  Speaker 10: girl is no longer. I'm not little anymore physical, but
• 27:37
  Speaker 10: emotionally again, I still just just want my dad. So
• 27:42
  Speaker 10: to help me heal one is identifying that and then
• 27:45
  Speaker 10: just letting all of the expectation that I might not
• 27:49
  Speaker 10: get that full relationship that I've always wanted while still
• 27:53
  Speaker 10: choosing to heal. Its taking that strength, but like I said,
• 28:00
  Speaker 10: still just accepting that I might not. I have a
• 28:02
  Speaker 10: small relationship and although I think it just goes back
• 28:06
  Speaker 10: to like you said, like Diamond, like our parents just
• 28:08
  Speaker 10: kind of tall us what they knew.
• 28:12
  Speaker 9: That kind of showed up how they knew.
• 28:14
  Speaker 10: So I don't fault him, but still it's just that
• 28:18
  Speaker 10: because my stepdad taught me everything I needed. But then
• 28:22
  Speaker 10: at the same time, I recognized his tumble that stopped
• 28:27
  Speaker 10: him from a lot of things as well. So just
• 28:29
  Speaker 10: growing up and learning that and I've been through therapy
• 28:32
  Speaker 10: and stuff like that as well, so it's helped me
• 28:34
  Speaker 10: understand a lot more now. But validation will be the
• 28:38
  Speaker 10: biggest thing that sometimes it'll peak his head up, just.
• 28:41
  Speaker 9: Have you thinking.
• 28:42
  Speaker 10: But I think it's just to shift in your mindset
• 28:44
  Speaker 10: and reminding yourself of the truth.
• 28:46
  Speaker 9: And then it's important for me.
• 28:47
  Speaker 10: Because you know, you all know I have my daughter
• 28:50
  Speaker 10: who you know was born with a rare condition, so
• 28:53
  Speaker 10: it's important for me to heal so I can, you know,
• 28:57
  Speaker 10: love her and genuinely show her true healing so I
• 29:01
  Speaker 10: can make sure that she walks in her worth and
• 29:03
  Speaker 10: knows that she's enough and knows that she's value.
• 29:06
  Speaker 3: So well said, thank you so much for sharing with
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: anybody else.
• 29:11
  Speaker 11: Like to share, I will Black Diamond, thank you just
• 29:17
  Speaker 11: kind of piggybacking off what Farren said a little bit.
• 29:20
  Speaker 11: I think if I had to relate it to like
• 29:21
  Speaker 11: as far as like a father figure, I would say validation.
• 29:25
  Speaker 11: But for me, I think what I would give the
• 29:29
  Speaker 11: little girl would be reassurance. So I was raised by
• 29:32
  Speaker 11: my mother and my grandmother, who were both single women,
• 29:35
  Speaker 11: and I feel like, you know, just even most of
• 29:38
  Speaker 11: us on this phone being just you know, black women.
• 29:41
  Speaker 11: You know, it's like it's that strong black woman mentality,
• 29:43
  Speaker 11: and so there wasn't really I feel like I grew
• 29:46
  Speaker 11: up a lot of times like with this perfectionist spirit.
• 29:48
  Speaker 11: And I don't think that my mom or my grandmother
• 29:51
  Speaker 11: meant to, you know, make everything a perfections, but it's
• 29:53
  Speaker 11: like it was almost feeling like it was no room
• 29:55
  Speaker 11: for error. And so now as an adult, you know,
• 29:58
  Speaker 11: I'm struggling trying to get out of this. You have
• 30:00
  Speaker 11: to be perfect, then, you know, everything has to be right,
• 30:03
  Speaker 11: to the point where I kind of do the opposite
• 30:05
  Speaker 11: on purpose, just to kind of show myself that grace,
• 30:09
  Speaker 11: because it wasn't a lot of reassurance. It was like
• 30:11
  Speaker 11: it was mom, grandma, single mom.
• 30:15
  Speaker 12: Survival. You know, everybody's in survival mode.
• 30:17
  Speaker 11: You know, everybody's trying to make it and then it
• 30:20
  Speaker 11: almost kind of felt like it was every man for himself.
• 30:22
  Speaker 12: You know.
• 30:23
  Speaker 11: So when you have strong black women, a lot of
• 30:25
  Speaker 11: times it's like it ain't nobody else, this is what
• 30:27
  Speaker 11: you gotta do. You know, we don't have time for tears,
• 30:31
  Speaker 11: you know, get up, fix it, and keep it moving.
• 30:33
  Speaker 11: And so I feel like that just made me feel
• 30:36
  Speaker 11: like I always had to be perfect or do everything right.
• 30:39
  Speaker 11: And I feel like maybe if they had stopped and
• 30:42
  Speaker 11: just said, Okay, it's okay that you messed up SHANEA
• 30:44
  Speaker 11: or it's okay, you know, as opposed to just fix it,
• 30:46
  Speaker 11: fix it, fix it, you know, maybe I would know
• 30:48
  Speaker 11: how to show myself a little bit more grace in adulthood.
• 30:51
  Speaker 12: And then as far as like what do I do now?
• 30:54
  Speaker 12: And you know, I mean, if y'all know me, I'm
• 30:56
  Speaker 12: like borderline church girl, you know.
• 30:57
  Speaker 11: So, like I put on praise and worship music, and
• 30:59
  Speaker 11: I think that has been really pivotal for me, like
• 31:02
  Speaker 11: over the last couple of years, even in the sense
• 31:04
  Speaker 11: of just learning how to just be present. I just
• 31:06
  Speaker 11: put on worship music and I'm right now, I'm in
• 31:09
  Speaker 11: a position where I'm trying to like literally like learn how.
• 31:11
  Speaker 12: To just sit in the room with myself and just
• 31:13
  Speaker 12: lift my hands.
• 31:14
  Speaker 11: But now it's but more so I just put it
• 31:16
  Speaker 11: on and just like kind of learned to steal my
• 31:18
  Speaker 11: mind because I can't figure it out. You know, I
• 31:21
  Speaker 11: can't have it all figured out. I keep messing up,
• 31:23
  Speaker 11: and I'm really hard on myself. And I think even
• 31:26
  Speaker 11: going to what doctor Carolyn said about the Maslow's hierarchy,
• 31:31
  Speaker 11: so while we were sitting here, like I looked it
• 31:33
  Speaker 11: up and just learning, and what she said about what
• 31:37
  Speaker 11: you don't get from that chart might be something that
• 31:39
  Speaker 11: shows up in your adulthood. So looking at the chart,
• 31:42
  Speaker 11: at the bottom is psycho physiological needs. Then it goes
• 31:45
  Speaker 11: to safety and security, love and belonging, self esteem, and
• 31:49
  Speaker 11: then self actualization. I feel like I stopped that love
• 31:51
  Speaker 11: and belonging, Like I never felt like I didn't have
• 31:55
  Speaker 11: a family, like you know, we were closed.
• 31:56
  Speaker 12: But it was just hard.
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 31:57
  Speaker 11: It wasn't that reassurance that helped build self asia or
• 32:00
  Speaker 11: self confidence. It wasn't that you know, I struggle you know,
• 32:05
  Speaker 11: being confident like who I am. Like I was just
• 32:07
  Speaker 11: telling a friend, like I know I'm great like I
• 32:08
  Speaker 11: know I'm smart, Like I know I do these things,
• 32:10
  Speaker 11: but some days it's just like I don't really I
• 32:13
  Speaker 11: don't know if I really believe it, you know.
• 32:15
  Speaker 12: And so I'm just.
• 32:17
  Speaker 11: Learning how to you know, almost forty, you know, trying
• 32:21
  Speaker 11: to really just embrace.
• 32:23
  Speaker 12: Like who I am. Know that it's okay.
• 32:24
  Speaker 11: You know, I'm not mad at my mom or my grandmother,
• 32:27
  Speaker 11: you know, like they were just single moms doing what
• 32:28
  Speaker 11: we know how to do. And you know, I'm here,
• 32:32
  Speaker 11: like it's a healing process every day. And I realize
• 32:35
  Speaker 11: too that every time I try to accomplish a new
• 32:39
  Speaker 11: feed or you know, just go a little bit higher,
• 32:41
  Speaker 11: the trauma and the PTSD, just like from the things
• 32:43
  Speaker 11: that I dealt with, you know, like people who hurt
• 32:45
  Speaker 11: me or you know, things that I took personally that
• 32:47
  Speaker 11: probably weren't personally, Like they show up every time I
• 32:49
  Speaker 11: try to move to a new height, you know. So
• 32:51
  Speaker 11: I have to really be intentional about my praise and
• 32:53
  Speaker 11: worship caause right now, like that's the only thing that
• 32:55
  Speaker 11: steals my mind. And I'm intentional about not going to
• 32:58
  Speaker 11: vices like sex or drugs or drink. I'm intentional about that.
• 33:02
  Speaker 11: So I don't go that route.
• 33:04
  Speaker 12: Let me just put on this Jesus music right quick
• 33:06
  Speaker 12: so I can bring it together and just realize, like
• 33:09
  Speaker 12: I am okay, like Farn said, I am enough, like
• 33:12
  Speaker 12: I am healed, and I don't have to be perfect
• 33:15
  Speaker 12: and everything is okay. Y.
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: Yes, I'm so proud of you both and for all
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: of you for sharing and just knowing your own strengths,
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: because that's important to know your own strengths. Doctor Stevens,
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: I'd love for you to speak into this from your
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: perspective as a clinical therapist. What are some healthy ways
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: people can support themselves when emotional wounds resurface, especially when
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: those wounds catch them off. God, yes, yes, it's okay.
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: From your perspective as a clinical therapist, what are some
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: healthy raised people can support themselves when emotional wounds resurface,
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: especially when those wounds catch them off.
• 34:25
  Speaker 3: God, we always felt alone.
• 35:17
  Speaker 6: Maybe we were a latch what they call a latch
• 35:21
  Speaker 6: key kid. You always just kind of taken care of
• 35:26
  Speaker 6: ourselves because we weren't parented properly, or we didn't get
• 35:30
  Speaker 6: a certain amount of mothering or nurturing. And then what
• 35:34
  Speaker 6: happens is we grow up and become adults, and then
• 35:41
  Speaker 6: we don't allow ourselves to be supported, even though there
• 35:44
  Speaker 6: are people there that want to support, but we won't
• 35:48
  Speaker 6: allow ourselves to be supported, uh I E.
• 35:52
  Speaker 3: An example is that you.
• 35:54
  Speaker 6: Could be a person in a marriage but you're but
• 35:58
  Speaker 6: you are emotionally on the bare and your partner is
• 36:01
  Speaker 6: trying to figure out you know, I'm doing all I
• 36:05
  Speaker 6: can to love her, let's say, or love him, And
• 36:09
  Speaker 6: why are they you know, so stoic because that person
• 36:15
  Speaker 6: has a hard time responding to authentic love or genuine
• 36:22
  Speaker 6: love or support because they don't allow themselves to be supported.
• 36:27
  Speaker 6: And so I would certainly say that the very first
• 36:31
  Speaker 6: thing that we can do is allow ourselves to be supported,
• 36:37
  Speaker 6: whether that's a therapist. The reason why people like people
• 36:41
  Speaker 6: like me because I am an objective I'm an objective person.
• 36:45
  Speaker 6: I'm someone who may not know your family background. I'm
• 36:50
  Speaker 6: going to be objective, and so people feel safer with
• 36:53
  Speaker 6: an objective person. So if you start to find yourself
• 36:58
  Speaker 6: when reliving some of your early childhood traumatic experiences, and
• 37:06
  Speaker 6: let me tell you, there are lots of people who
• 37:09
  Speaker 6: don't realize that they are reliving traumatic experiences. What they
• 37:14
  Speaker 6: realize is that they are exemplifying or exhibiting behaviors that
• 37:21
  Speaker 6: they themselves don't like, or there are other people that
• 37:25
  Speaker 6: they work with, people that they go to church with,
• 37:29
  Speaker 6: people a person's in their marriage, or they have a
• 37:33
  Speaker 6: hard time developing relationships.
• 37:35
  Speaker 3: They start to point out things to you, and.
• 37:39
  Speaker 6: You may be an individual to say, hey, I just
• 37:42
  Speaker 6: I know there's something wrong because I'm starting to see patterns.
• 37:45
  Speaker 6: I'm seeing patterns in relationships. Patterns could be I don't
• 37:49
  Speaker 6: keep relationships. They start to see that they don't maintain friendships,
• 37:56
  Speaker 6: and so even though they may not intentionally trying to
• 38:00
  Speaker 6: do that, but because of those unresolved issues in their
• 38:05
  Speaker 6: life as a child on adolescent, this is how they
• 38:09
  Speaker 6: This is how they respond to where they've been and
• 38:14
  Speaker 6: what they have been through and what and then believes.
• 38:16
  Speaker 3: That they have not gotten met. So allow yourself.
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: As an adult, they're going to have a lot of
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: unpacking to do to so heeling back the layers. It
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: is a lot of work, but it's worth worth it.
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: It's worth that self work. So our listeners of youwers
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: when those old wounds creep back in. What's your go
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: to healing too? Is it journaling, breathing, therapy, prayer, such
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: as SHANEA said, music and movement share with us. We
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: want to know what's working for you. Healing isn't linear
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: someday because we feel empower. Other days it feels like
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: we let's talk about the challenges. What are you currently
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: facing in your healing process and what barriers or inner
• 39:12
  Speaker 2: battles are showing up to you right now? Anybody in
• 39:18
  Speaker 2: the town can answer that question.
• 39:22
  Speaker 12: I'm sorry, Bobby, where you're about to go?
• 39:25
  Speaker 8: No, Shana, I want to tell you something. I've been
• 39:28
  Speaker 8: sitting here being so dignified, but you're about to miss
• 39:31
  Speaker 8: me up? What at telling you? Doctor Stevens says some
• 39:36
  Speaker 8: stuff about that miss me up?
• 39:39
  Speaker 3: Now. I want you all to know I know how
• 39:41
  Speaker 3: to be dignified.
• 39:42
  Speaker 8: I do, I promise, But to understand that that maslow,
• 39:47
  Speaker 8: that that little tip of that pyramid for you know,
• 39:52
  Speaker 8: self actualization and learning who am I and how this
• 39:57
  Speaker 8: thing supposed to go? You know, and I live in
• 40:01
  Speaker 8: a live in a place where I am hell And
• 40:05
  Speaker 8: and sometimes just to say that out louder, it's like,
• 40:08
  Speaker 8: Paul Love, ain't nobody heal.
• 40:10
  Speaker 3: Everybody's still sick. You still sick?
• 40:12
  Speaker 8: And I said, oh, I'm not. I understand who I am,
• 40:15
  Speaker 8: and I also understand that there's such a thing as
• 40:19
  Speaker 8: doctor Stevens. Ooh she just oooh she did it for me. Yeah,
• 40:23
  Speaker 8: there's gonna be some unneat unmet knees because this is
• 40:27
  Speaker 8: a world system where there is generation after generation after
• 40:32
  Speaker 8: generations of this type of thing. It doesn't start with Grandma.
• 40:36
  Speaker 8: If you gonna bite great great whosoever, all of that trauma,
• 40:41
  Speaker 8: there's no way to break the cycle with self. Once
• 40:46
  Speaker 8: that identity comes, oh yeah, then the cycle's broken. And
• 40:51
  Speaker 8: Black Diamond girl, you is just all of that you
• 40:54
  Speaker 8: hear me cracks in the surface. But there's some strength
• 40:57
  Speaker 8: down there. Yeah, because there's a there's's this thin line
• 41:01
  Speaker 8: between us having the self care and being able, as
• 41:05
  Speaker 8: doctor Carolyn say, to be supported.
• 41:08
  Speaker 3: Yes, there gotta be a.
• 41:09
  Speaker 8: Time when we gotta realize, if I made myself, then
• 41:13
  Speaker 8: I can fix myself.
• 41:14
  Speaker 3: But if I.
• 41:15
  Speaker 8: Didn't make myself, ye a monkey, I'm from down South.
• 41:20
  Speaker 8: How in the monkey am I gonna fix me? I
• 41:23
  Speaker 8: can't go back with none of that stuff.
• 41:25
  Speaker 3: That I was born into.
• 41:28
  Speaker 8: But at that little top of that pyramid with self actualization,
• 41:34
  Speaker 8: it's not like starting from the bottom going up, but
• 41:38
  Speaker 8: rather from the top going down, because once that self
• 41:42
  Speaker 8: actualization takes place, would understanding let me get to who
• 41:46
  Speaker 8: made me? Now that's a tough one because to go
• 41:50
  Speaker 8: and actually have faith that there is somebody that made
• 41:54
  Speaker 8: me and it isn't just Mama or Daddy that somebody
• 41:59
  Speaker 8: made them. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna bring this
• 42:01
  Speaker 8: down because I'm gonna tell y'all something.
• 42:05
  Speaker 3: This is Shama's fault.
• 42:08
  Speaker 8: But I realized that when I realized that my mother
• 42:12
  Speaker 8: became an overcomer. She used to tell me, you see
• 42:15
  Speaker 8: what I went through because I was a little girl.
• 42:17
  Speaker 8: She said, did you see You saw all what happened
• 42:19
  Speaker 8: to me? And she said, but keep looking at me,
• 42:22
  Speaker 8: because I've overcome that. So you're not gonna forever be
• 42:26
  Speaker 8: seeking to be healed. At some point you are healed.
• 42:31
  Speaker 8: And it comes from the top of that little pyramid
• 42:35
  Speaker 8: that I'm not reasoning with anybody else except I understand
• 42:41
  Speaker 8: that there's stuff that happened to me. Ain't nobody gonna
• 42:43
  Speaker 8: fix except the person that made me, because I can't
• 42:49
  Speaker 8: fix me. And listen, y'all, I love y'all so much.
• 42:53
  Speaker 8: I'm so honored to be with y'all.
• 42:56
  Speaker 3: But I am healed, I got chriss. I gotta keep
• 43:00
  Speaker 3: the cricks.
• 43:01
  Speaker 8: If I don't keep the cracks, then I can't reach
• 43:03
  Speaker 8: the people that are still in them, because when they
• 43:05
  Speaker 8: see me, they'll be.
• 43:05
  Speaker 3: Like, you don't know, but I know.
• 43:08
  Speaker 8: I know what it's like to be with a person
• 43:10
  Speaker 8: who's hours from commend suicide.
• 43:14
  Speaker 3: And they needed to say something.
• 43:16
  Speaker 8: Not for me to rescue them, but they needed to
• 43:18
  Speaker 8: just say, this is what happened to me, this is
• 43:21
  Speaker 8: what went on, doctor carolln.
• 43:23
  Speaker 3: They just needed somebody to just don't say nothing. Listen
• 43:28
  Speaker 3: to me. That's all they want. They don't need nothing else.
• 43:31
  Speaker 8: Can I say it to you without any of your judgment,
• 43:35
  Speaker 8: without any of your help, Let me say it, And
• 43:38
  Speaker 8: I'm saying that tonight too, that black diamond. This platform
• 43:42
  Speaker 8: opens up space for people to say what you got
• 43:46
  Speaker 8: to say. It ain't gotta come out right. If you'll
• 43:49
  Speaker 8: say it, you're actually praying. When you go see your therapist,
• 43:54
  Speaker 8: you're actually entering into an annoying it space where your
• 43:59
  Speaker 8: voice is now able to push out all that toxin,
• 44:04
  Speaker 8: all that poison, all of that whatever.
• 44:06
  Speaker 3: And when you're done, they sit right there.
• 44:09
  Speaker 8: Then they go, Okay, you didn't do nothing wrong by
• 44:14
  Speaker 8: saying what you had to say. It did happen to you. No,
• 44:19
  Speaker 8: it was not your fault. We ain't gonna talk about
• 44:21
  Speaker 8: it was your mama fault. We just want you to know.
• 44:23
  Speaker 3: I hear you.
• 44:25
  Speaker 8: It happened to you. And sometimes that's just enough space
• 44:29
  Speaker 8: to keep a person from picking up the gun and
• 44:32
  Speaker 8: shooting them. It's enough for them to keep from picking
• 44:36
  Speaker 8: up the gun and shooting the people that they thought.
• 44:38
  Speaker 3: Let them down.
• 44:40
  Speaker 8: Now that's healing. Listen, cricks in the surface. I don't
• 44:46
  Speaker 8: know if you can see the work, rude, cricks in
• 44:48
  Speaker 8: the surface. Strength is in the core. It's in the
• 44:52
  Speaker 8: letting that help help you. And I do recommend, like
• 44:56
  Speaker 8: Shama said that God'll mess me up.
• 44:58
  Speaker 3: If it weren't out.
• 44:59
  Speaker 8: For that name Jesus, I'll have still been waiting on
• 45:01
  Speaker 8: for somebody to come rescue me.
• 45:04
  Speaker 3: But I'm healed. I'm not getting healed. I'm healed.
• 45:08
  Speaker 8: Do I have the issues that I have to address
• 45:10
  Speaker 8: on a on a day to day grind because I'm
• 45:13
  Speaker 8: still living life and life.
• 45:14
  Speaker 3: It's life and life is life.
• 45:18
  Speaker 8: But I'm that same chick when life is life, and
• 45:22
  Speaker 8: I'm doing my thing too.
• 45:24
  Speaker 3: When I remember.
• 45:25
  Speaker 8: That that was a rape, I rise up and say
• 45:27
  Speaker 8: issure was And God done already forgave them, He done
• 45:32
  Speaker 8: forgave me.
• 45:33
  Speaker 3: And I'm not there.
• 45:34
  Speaker 8: I'm not living by the shore of my trauma trying
• 45:38
  Speaker 8: to hash it out every day that jump over.
• 45:41
  Speaker 3: Thank God for therapist.
• 45:43
  Speaker 8: I thank God for therapy because if you don't have faith,
• 45:49
  Speaker 8: you can talk to them, because it ain't going nowhere.
• 45:52
  Speaker 3: They ain't gonna get through talking to you. And get
• 45:54
  Speaker 3: on the phone.
• 45:54
  Speaker 8: Let me call your mama, let me call whoever you
• 45:57
  Speaker 8: talked about.
• 45:57
  Speaker 3: This stage right there, it stays right there.
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: There's privacy and confidentiality with that, and we know that
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: that's what they practice.
• 46:07
  Speaker 3: They don't just preach it.
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: They practice it in privacy and confidentiality, and if anybody
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: doesn't know what it is, look it up. There's a difference.
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: But then there's also a combination that psychiatrists and therapists.
• 46:20
  Speaker 2: And I'm not going to see there and talk about
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: what doctor calln already does, but there is a difference
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: and privacy and confidentiality, and with her, I know that
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: she holds both, and she holds them dearly and this
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: is what we do because we had a conversation prior
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: to us coming on the air, and we were also
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: talking with the producer about many things that were happening
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: in so many different communities, and we're hitting on the
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: surface of many of those things that we're having. So
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: we know healing is layered in deeply personal. From your
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: clinical perspective, what are some of the most common challenge
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: people facing the road to emotional recovery?
• 47:04
  Speaker 6: Doctor Stevens, Some of the most common challenges that people
• 47:12
  Speaker 6: encounter on the road to emotional recovery. Well, the biggest
• 47:20
  Speaker 6: is that as you work with a therapist, let's say,
• 47:24
  Speaker 6: or you are talking to a friend you know you
• 47:28
  Speaker 6: could choose, or a faith based minister, whoever you choose
• 47:33
  Speaker 6: to serve as a confidant.
• 47:36
  Speaker 3: I would still add.
• 47:38
  Speaker 6: That you need to still couple that with working with
• 47:42
  Speaker 6: a professional because as you are working through your trauma
• 47:48
  Speaker 6: or as you're on the road to emotional recovery, the
• 47:51
  Speaker 6: biggest challenge is becoming triggered, which is why some people
• 47:55
  Speaker 6: choose not to talk about things, which is why.
• 47:58
  Speaker 3: Some people choose to.
• 48:01
  Speaker 6: Avoid certain things, because part of emotional recovery means that
• 48:08
  Speaker 6: you are going to be triggered. But when you're triggered,
• 48:11
  Speaker 6: you know, and this is what a professional person will do.
• 48:14
  Speaker 6: They're going to help you navigate on the road to
• 48:18
  Speaker 6: recovery when you become triggered, because in trauma inform therapy, okay,
• 48:26
  Speaker 6: then we help that person to identify what it is
• 48:31
  Speaker 6: that you're feeling, why you're feeling it, and then help
• 48:34
  Speaker 6: them to navigate, navigate through that, not negated, not push
• 48:40
  Speaker 6: it to the side, but to actually go on and
• 48:44
  Speaker 6: deal with you know, deal with your trauma or whatever
• 48:46
  Speaker 6: it is that you're going through. And I do have
• 48:49
  Speaker 6: to say this honestly, this is the reason why people medicate.
• 48:53
  Speaker 6: If I may go a step further, and I am
• 48:56
  Speaker 6: I am in the Christian community. People who are in
• 48:59
  Speaker 6: the Christian community or faith based community, we are very
• 49:03
  Speaker 6: susceptible to that because sometimes we talk about medicating, we
• 49:08
  Speaker 6: talk about drugs, we talk about sex, it could be
• 49:11
  Speaker 6: food or what have you.
• 49:13
  Speaker 3: Sometimes going to church, we could.
• 49:16
  Speaker 6: Use church in the wrong way in that we are
• 49:19
  Speaker 6: self medicating because we're avoiding dealing with our issues. Okay,
• 49:26
  Speaker 6: not necessarily using the church or the faith based community
• 49:31
  Speaker 6: or your faith as a means of healing, but as
• 49:34
  Speaker 6: a way of avoiding those.
• 49:37
  Speaker 3: Things that will help me heal.
• 49:39
  Speaker 6: So we do have to be careful because that those
• 49:42
  Speaker 6: are the other challenges black that people encounter on the
• 49:46
  Speaker 6: road to emotional recovery.
• 49:49
  Speaker 3: Is that you medicate. Okay.
• 49:51
  Speaker 13: You might say, well, I don't do drugs, I don't
• 49:54
  Speaker 13: smoke cigarettes, I don't drink alcohol, okay, but then there
• 49:57
  Speaker 13: are some people who eat you know, they're some people
• 50:00
  Speaker 13: who gots up anytime.
• 50:03
  Speaker 6: You use other things to replace your pain, or not
• 50:08
  Speaker 6: so much replace the pain, but replace.
• 50:10
  Speaker 3: It, but to avoid dealing with the pain.
• 50:14
  Speaker 6: And this is why when I work with clients who
• 50:17
  Speaker 6: are substance abuse user.
• 50:19
  Speaker 3: They say that.
• 50:22
  Speaker 6: Coming off of drugs is a very hard thing because
• 50:26
  Speaker 6: of the emotional parts of it, because once they get clean,
• 50:30
  Speaker 6: they start to remember why they started taking drugs in
• 50:34
  Speaker 6: the first place. And the truth is, people just don't
• 50:36
  Speaker 6: like to remember. They don't want to remember what gave
• 50:39
  Speaker 6: them pain. They don't want to remember. But you have
• 50:42
  Speaker 6: to remember in order to heal. So I'll say it
• 50:45
  Speaker 6: like this, and closing to that question, you got to
• 50:47
  Speaker 6: deal in order to heal. That's one way I say
• 50:50
  Speaker 6: that you got to deal in order to heal. Okay,
• 50:54
  Speaker 6: the other thing I often say is that you can't
• 50:58
  Speaker 6: heal something you're not willing to confront. Again, you cannot
• 51:02
  Speaker 6: heal something that you're not willing to confront, so you
• 51:06
  Speaker 6: have to confront.
• 51:06
  Speaker 2: So do you think do you think that they can
• 51:09
  Speaker 2: move through their emotional recovery with compassion and resilience?
• 51:14
  Speaker 3: I do, I do, I do. I do believe that.
• 51:18
  Speaker 6: Again, First, learn to have compassion for yourself. I think
• 51:23
  Speaker 6: it was a Bobby that said it, it was not
• 51:28
  Speaker 6: your fault, and you may have to remind yourself of
• 51:31
  Speaker 6: that constantly, every day, five times a day. Whatever happened,
• 51:35
  Speaker 6: whatever happened, it was not your fault. I myself had
• 51:42
  Speaker 6: experienced a rape in my life. I was a young
• 51:46
  Speaker 6: teenage girl. I had experienced a rape. But I realized
• 51:50
  Speaker 6: that that wasn't That was not my fault. You know,
• 51:53
  Speaker 6: even though people might say you in the wrong place
• 51:56
  Speaker 6: at the wrong time, but it doesn't matter. That was
• 51:59
  Speaker 6: not my fault. So the first thing you have to
• 52:01
  Speaker 6: do is you have to have compassion for yourself. Practice
• 52:04
  Speaker 6: self compassion knowing that it was not your fault. Engage
• 52:08
  Speaker 6: in the community of people, whether that's a combination of
• 52:11
  Speaker 6: friends or family, or your faith based community. Engage in
• 52:15
  Speaker 6: network with a community of people that celebrate you and
• 52:18
  Speaker 6: not tolerate you. But oftentimes, when we have encountered rejection
• 52:23
  Speaker 6: in our life, we tend to gravitate to people who
• 52:28
  Speaker 6: are constantly rejecting us in their own way, and then
• 52:31
  Speaker 6: we get into people pleasing because we're always trying to
• 52:34
  Speaker 6: please somebody, because we're always trying to be accepted. So
• 52:40
  Speaker 6: allow yourself to give yourself compassion. Allow yourself to be
• 52:44
  Speaker 6: a part of a network of people who love you,
• 52:48
  Speaker 6: who celebrate you, who remind you that you are wonderful,
• 52:52
  Speaker 6: You are authentic.
• 52:53
  Speaker 3: You don't have to perform for us to love you.
• 52:57
  Speaker 6: You know, I often say to people that I love
• 52:59
  Speaker 6: and I all of you here on this panel.
• 53:03
  Speaker 3: The only thing you have to do for me to
• 53:06
  Speaker 3: love you is to wake up in the morning.
• 53:08
  Speaker 6: Period point mind. I'm good with that you wake up
• 53:11
  Speaker 6: in the morning and you keep on being you. That
• 53:13
  Speaker 6: that's my criteria for loving you. When I work, when
• 53:17
  Speaker 6: I work with people, and I do coaching and consulting.
• 53:20
  Speaker 6: I've said this to Shana, so she's probably most familiar
• 53:24
  Speaker 6: with it. You know, how you pay me, how you
• 53:27
  Speaker 6: pay me back. You go out there and be great,
• 53:30
  Speaker 6: Go be great, and that's my lad, that's my reward.
• 53:33
  Speaker 6: And I feel that way about any woman that I
• 53:35
  Speaker 6: work with. If I'm empowering you or we're working on
• 53:38
  Speaker 6: a product together, the greatest way you pay me is
• 53:40
  Speaker 6: by doing you and being you. And the reason why
• 53:43
  Speaker 6: I repeat that is because I know, especially culturally as women,
• 53:48
  Speaker 6: that sometimes we have emotional deficiencies in that area. And
• 53:51
  Speaker 6: so I want to be a part of that community
• 53:54
  Speaker 6: of people that reminds you that you are authentically.
• 53:58
  Speaker 3: You are okay, you are wonderful for just the way
• 54:00
  Speaker 3: you are.
• 54:01
  Speaker 6: So allow yourself to be a part of those kinds
• 54:03
  Speaker 6: of communities and not just constantly jumping hoops trying to
• 54:07
  Speaker 6: prove yourself and trying to be loved by people who
• 54:10
  Speaker 6: do not authentic they love me. Those are things that
• 54:13
  Speaker 6: we need to do on the emotional gold to become great.
• 54:18
  Speaker 2: So g We're not forgetting that you're here, and that
• 54:20
  Speaker 2: man is a part of this as well. Sometimes men
• 54:24
  Speaker 2: will feel as though they they're left out of that circle,
• 54:27
  Speaker 2: but they're not.
• 54:29
  Speaker 3: They're not.
• 54:30
  Speaker 2: They're included in it in so many ways that it's
• 54:34
  Speaker 2: just so unbelievable that the stand that they take, and
• 54:37
  Speaker 2: we love for them to take that lead, because whether
• 54:40
  Speaker 2: they want to believe it or not, or whether some
• 54:42
  Speaker 2: women want to hear it or not, women are still
• 54:45
  Speaker 2: looking for the man to take the lead. They don't
• 54:47
  Speaker 2: always want to take that position.
• 54:50
  Speaker 5: The inside joke. I always say, I'm very much in
• 54:54
  Speaker 5: touch with my feminine inside.
• 54:56
  Speaker 3: So oh, I appreciate that with you VG.
• 55:03
  Speaker 2: I wish I had a microphone to be able to
• 55:04
  Speaker 2: send it to everybody for them to hear that that
• 55:06
  Speaker 2: it is okay because women are in touch with their
• 55:11
  Speaker 2: masculine side every day, and you hear more about the
• 55:14
  Speaker 2: women being more so attached to their masculine side because
• 55:18
  Speaker 2: they'll say, oh, that angry so and so.
• 55:20
  Speaker 3: Woman or whatever they want to call it.
• 55:21
  Speaker 2: But you don't hear too many brave men such as
• 55:24
  Speaker 2: yourself saying that you are in touch with your feminine side,
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: and I thank you so much for that. So, if
• 55:32
  Speaker 2: you're following along in the workbook or can grab a
• 55:36
  Speaker 2: piece of paper, take a moment to write down one
• 55:38
  Speaker 2: challenge that's come up in your healing, name it, because
• 55:43
  Speaker 2: naming it is the first step to shifting it. The
• 55:46
  Speaker 2: night's discussion was real, raw, and it was necessary. Healing
• 55:52
  Speaker 2: is not easy by no means, but it is possible
• 55:56
  Speaker 2: when we're willing to sit without truth, speak it out loud,
• 56:01
  Speaker 2: and do the work together. To everyone listening, remember you
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: are not alone in this journey. Keep turning the pages
• 56:08
  Speaker 2: of your work book, keep showing up for yourself. Healing
• 56:12
  Speaker 2: is the real you. It takes time, but you are
• 56:16
  Speaker 2: worth every second of it. Every second of it. You
• 56:19
  Speaker 2: are worth it. So we meet again for the next
• 56:23
  Speaker 2: panel on Friday, July nineteenth. We'll be diving into walking
• 56:28
  Speaker 2: in your purpose with self discipline, and that's on page
• 56:31
  Speaker 2: twenty four and twenty five, and we're also going to
• 56:34
  Speaker 2: go to page twenty six for emotional challenges, So I
• 56:38
  Speaker 2: want to hear a little bit about that when we
• 56:40
  Speaker 2: come back. But before we go, mark your calendars for
• 56:43
  Speaker 2: the next episode Friday. It's going to be on the
• 56:46
  Speaker 2: fourth of July, so I want everybody to carve out
• 56:49
  Speaker 2: some time to be here at eight o'clock.
• 56:53
  Speaker 3: It's very important.
• 56:54
  Speaker 2: It's a very special night with poet and author Leche Ruckman.
• 56:59
  Speaker 2: It's the voice behind She is the voice behind Rooted Child,
• 57:03
  Speaker 2: Volume one, but this episode that She's gonna be on
• 57:07
  Speaker 2: Ghost Far beyond poetry. Machee will be opening up her
• 57:11
  Speaker 2: heart and sharing her daughter Cast's powerful journey through heart
• 57:16
  Speaker 2: failure and the fight for a life saving transplant. So please,
• 57:20
  Speaker 2: I know we're gonna be all in celebrating and barbecuing
• 57:23
  Speaker 2: and having whatever we're gonna have, but join us that
• 57:27
  Speaker 2: night be here with our sister. She's gonna be sharing
• 57:31
  Speaker 2: the information about her daughter's powerful journey through heart failure
• 57:34
  Speaker 2: and the fight that this little girl has for a
• 57:36
  Speaker 2: life saving transport. This is not just a story, it's
• 57:41
  Speaker 2: a call to awareness, advocacy, and action. You don't want
• 57:46
  Speaker 2: to miss it Friday, the fourth of July at eight
• 57:49
  Speaker 2: pm right here on Basic Black after Dark. So until
• 57:53
  Speaker 2: next time, thanks for keeping it Basic