Latest / The Uplifters / Stop Trying to Control What You Can Only Influence

Transcript

Stop Trying to Control What You Can Only Influence · The Uplifters

0:00
[music]
0:05
SPEAKER_01: Hey, Uplifters, you know how much I love experimenting and trying new things.
0:09
SPEAKER_01: It's how I build courage capital every day by testing and learning
0:13
SPEAKER_01: and discovering what really works for me.
0:16
SPEAKER_01: That's why I'm so excited to introduce you to Join the Tryb.
0:21
SPEAKER_01: The founder is a total uplifter who lovingly curates products from emerging founders
0:27
SPEAKER_01: with seriously inspiring stories.
0:30
SPEAKER_01: I've tried so many of the Join the Tryb products at this point,
0:33
SPEAKER_01: and I've discovered so many favorites.
0:36
SPEAKER_01: But what I love most of all is that more than half of the products on the Join
0:40
SPEAKER_01: the Tryb website support a woman who's building something meaningful.
0:46
SPEAKER_01: It's really like getting to be a part of someone's uplifting journey
0:50
SPEAKER_01: while discovering And they do these terrific surprise boxes,
0:56
SPEAKER_01: which make perfect effortless gifts for literally anyone on your list.
1:00
SPEAKER_01: Because I mean, who doesn't love a little surprise in the mail?
1:05
SPEAKER_01: Check out Join the Tryb and use code Uplifter20 for 20% off the website for your first order.
1:13
SPEAKER_01: It's jointheTryb.com, T-R-Y-B.com.
1:20
SPEAKER_01: Welcome back.
1:20
SPEAKER_01: I'm Aransas Savas and I've spent the last 20 years at the intersection
1:24
SPEAKER_01: of behavior change research and coaching,
1:27
SPEAKER_01: helping midlife women do big, brave things.
1:30
SPEAKER_01: Every week on this show,
1:31
SPEAKER_01: I get to talk to inspiring women who are in the second half of their lives to learn
1:35
SPEAKER_01: from them how we can all keep doing big, brave things in midlife.
1:40
SPEAKER_01: So friends,
1:41
SPEAKER_01: I want you to take a second to just think back to a story
1:44
SPEAKER_01: that you've never told anyone.
1:47
SPEAKER_02: Not because it's scandalous necessarily,
1:49
SPEAKER_01: but just because you decided a long time ago maybe that it wasn't anyone's business
1:56
SPEAKER_01: or maybe it didn't fit the version of you that shows up at work,
1:59
SPEAKER_01: at your office, or maybe you thought it would shift how other people saw you.
2:06
SPEAKER_01: Well, today's guest spent years carrying her stories in her pocket,
2:11
SPEAKER_01: all while she climbed the ranks at a Fortune 50 company.
2:16
SPEAKER_01: And then in midlife, she decided to put it all in a book.
2:21
SPEAKER_01: The researcher, Renee Brown, has spent over two decades studying shame.
2:24
SPEAKER_01: And one of the core findings is that shame derives its power specifically from silence.
2:30
SPEAKER_01: The less we say these things out loud,
2:32
SPEAKER_01: the more weight they carry,
2:33
SPEAKER_01: the less we can gain the learnings from them,
2:36
SPEAKER_01: the less other people can see us and understand us.
2:39
SPEAKER_01: And today you're going to meet Tori DaCosta.
2:42
SPEAKER_01: She is a business leader, a coach, a bestselling author, a speaker.
2:46
SPEAKER_01: As I said, she's currently an executive at a Fortune 50 company.
2:50
SPEAKER_01: She is also the founder of her own company,
2:53
SPEAKER_01: Journeystone LLC,
2:55
SPEAKER_01: and she's written her debut book called No Name Bastard,
2:58
SPEAKER_01: How Our Lives Teach Us What We Can Control, Manage, and Influence.
3:04
SPEAKER_01: She wrote this book while training for a marathon,
3:08
SPEAKER_01: while getting up before dawn to run,
3:10
SPEAKER_01: writing in the evenings, and keeping her corporate job on the rails.
3:14
SPEAKER_01: So today we're going to talk about what it takes to tell
3:17
SPEAKER_01: the stories we've been protecting,
3:19
SPEAKER_01: Our midlife tendency to resurface dreams and talents that maybe got shoved to
3:23
SPEAKER_01: the back of the closet decades ago.
3:25
SPEAKER_01: What it takes to manage a day job and creative ambitions simultaneously,
3:31
SPEAKER_01: because I think the world often tells us we have to choose, disagree.
3:35
SPEAKER_01: And how our toughest experiences can be our greatest teachers.
3:38
SPEAKER_01: So Tori, thank you so much for writing this book.
3:42
SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for being a role model for us in terms
3:46
SPEAKER_01: of how we can find this extra level of truth with ourselves and others.
3:53
SPEAKER_01: And for joining us here today to talk about it.
3:55
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
3:56
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me.
3:57
SPEAKER_00: I am looking forward to this conversation and you can always pivot,
4:03
SPEAKER_00: change, have an amazing next chapter or second half of life, however you look at it.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: It is yours to write the story.
4:11
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
4:12
SPEAKER_01: And yet...
4:13
SPEAKER_01: I think, and there's an enormous amount of research to support this.
4:18
SPEAKER_01: We do get a fixed mindset about our own abilities and we get this belief that it's too late.
4:24
SPEAKER_01: An old dog can't learn new tricks.
4:27
SPEAKER_01: And I've made my best.
4:29
SPEAKER_01: And all of these fallacies really that just limit our own potential and our sense
4:37
SPEAKER_01: of our abilities.
4:39
SPEAKER_01: And so we need stories like yours.
4:41
SPEAKER_01: We need the stories of all of these uplifters to help us say,
4:44
SPEAKER_01: right, if Tori can do this, maybe I can too.
4:48
SPEAKER_01: So I know for you...
4:50
SPEAKER_01: A lot of the stories that you've shared in this book stayed quiet for a lot of your life.
4:54
SPEAKER_01: They did.
4:55
SPEAKER_01: And you've now written a book about some of the toughest and most defining moments
5:00
SPEAKER_01: in your life and have mined them for insight and understanding and shared that
5:04
SPEAKER_01: with others.
5:05
SPEAKER_01: But one of the early hurdles that I think you had to face was this question of,
5:11
SPEAKER_01: if I tell these stories, will I compromise everything I've worked so hard to build?
5:17
SPEAKER_01: Will others see me differently?
5:20
SPEAKER_01: Will I feel less safe in the world?
5:24
SPEAKER_01: And so tell us what those early conversations look like in your own mind,
5:29
SPEAKER_01: but also with the other people in your lives who are like, what are you doing, Tori?
5:33
SPEAKER_00: Because you know that question was asked.
5:35
SPEAKER_00: You know it was.
5:37
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: It came together.
5:40
SPEAKER_00: It felt like it was slowly, but then all at once.
5:42
SPEAKER_00: So just to kind of tell the backstory,
5:45
SPEAKER_00: I was right at the moment of finishing an executive MBA program.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: I was like two months from graduation.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: So excited.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: Couldn't wait.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: And I should have been over the moon.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: And I was excited.
5:59
SPEAKER_00: But I also felt like something was missing.
6:03
SPEAKER_00: Now, I love the program,
6:04
SPEAKER_00: the business strategy, the leadership, the spreadsheets, tons of spreadsheets.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: And I realized there has to be more.
6:14
SPEAKER_00: And I wasn't quite sure what that would be just yet, but I got quiet.
6:20
SPEAKER_00: I was reflective.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: And then the idea came for the book.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: Now, just to tell you how far...
6:29
SPEAKER_00: Down, these stories have been stuffed and tucked away, Aransas.
6:33
SPEAKER_00: That when the idea came to write the book,
6:37
SPEAKER_00: I literally said to myself, well, what I write about, I don't have a story.
6:41
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
6:41
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
6:42
SPEAKER_00: That's how far they were tucked away.
6:45
SPEAKER_01: I want to say to the audience out there,
6:46
SPEAKER_01: like if you're driving right now,
6:48
SPEAKER_01: you can still take one hand off the wheel and hands up if you've had that thought.
6:51
SPEAKER_01: Because I think most of us have.
6:53
SPEAKER_01: My story isn't that interesting or that weird.
6:55
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
6:56
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
6:57
SPEAKER_00: And you just feel like it's your life, right?
6:59
SPEAKER_00: What can anyone learn from it?
7:00
SPEAKER_00: How can it be beneficial to others?
7:03
SPEAKER_00: And then the other question is, am I comfortable sharing that?
7:07
SPEAKER_00: So I had some quiet time and I asked myself that question.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: I was like, what would I write about?
7:13
SPEAKER_00: I don't even have a story.
7:15
SPEAKER_00: And the first story that came to my mind was chapter three.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: So the book actually started with chapter three.
7:24
SPEAKER_00: Now, of course, the word bastard is in the title and it's a bit jarring for some people.
7:30
SPEAKER_00: And that was probably the biggest hurdle for some people to overcome.
7:35
SPEAKER_00: So I'll just share this.
7:38
SPEAKER_00: This is Tori's take on living out a dream.
7:41
SPEAKER_00: Don't share it with everyone because it can get quenched pretty quickly.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: So I was very mindful of who I spoke with about.
7:51
SPEAKER_00: I'm writing the book.
7:53
SPEAKER_00: And even mindful of when I shared that the book was coming to fruition
7:57
SPEAKER_00: because I knew that some people would struggle just with the word bastard.
8:03
SPEAKER_00: And in fact, some of the folks, when they heard the title, they were shocked.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: They was like, Tori, I've never heard you say a bad word.
8:09
SPEAKER_00: I was like, well, I mean, depends on how you feel about the word.
8:14
SPEAKER_00: I don't even think it's a bad word.
8:16
SPEAKER_00: And that's so subjective anyway.
8:19
SPEAKER_00: But with that being said,
8:21
SPEAKER_00: I thought through all the things you said,
8:23
SPEAKER_00: you know,
8:23
SPEAKER_00: how will people feel about this and what impact would that have
8:27
SPEAKER_00: on my career potentially?
8:29
SPEAKER_00: But one of the most freeing things in life is not worrying about the judgment of others.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: And I knew that this book would create an opportunity to be a blessing
8:41
SPEAKER_00: and help other people get free from From their personal struggles,
8:47
SPEAKER_00: their challenges,
8:48
SPEAKER_00: the narratives that they write for themselves,
8:50
SPEAKER_00: the things that they stuff down so far,
8:53
SPEAKER_00: they forget that they're there because they feel shameful.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: And if my stories would free someone else in that capacity, it was well worth the risk.
9:04
SPEAKER_00: So I took it.
9:06
SPEAKER_00: And one of my lessons as a leader is that sometimes leaders have to go first.
9:11
SPEAKER_00: With this book, I did that.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: The best thing that has come out of it is it has given other people courage to take
9:20
SPEAKER_00: the leap or talk about things that were hard for them to share
9:24
SPEAKER_00: in their having healing as a result of it.
9:28
SPEAKER_01: How beautiful.
9:28
SPEAKER_01: And you talk in the book about having those colleagues who nobody really knows
9:34
SPEAKER_01: because they make a real effort to keep their personal self
9:41
SPEAKER_01: and their work self separate.
9:43
SPEAKER_02: And in doing so,
9:45
SPEAKER_02: probably get less
9:46
SPEAKER_01: empathy and less understanding than those
9:50
SPEAKER_01: who let their whole selves be seen and known.
9:53
SPEAKER_01: So what has this been like for you at work now
9:56
SPEAKER_01: that your colleagues presumably have read this,
9:59
SPEAKER_01: your family presumably has read this,
10:02
SPEAKER_01: the neighbors from the old neighborhood have read this?
10:06
SPEAKER_00: Yes, it has been interesting.
10:07
SPEAKER_00: So everyone in my close circle has been very supportive.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: And I thought the people that would have the hardest time with it would be my parents.
10:17
SPEAKER_00: And there was a little bit of a challenge early on.
10:20
SPEAKER_00: But of course, they learned about it early.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: I didn't want them to be blindsided or surprised by some of the things that come out
10:26
SPEAKER_00: in the story because you can't tell your story without talking about the people
10:30
SPEAKER_00: who are closest to you and a part of them.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: So the family has been supportive,
10:34
SPEAKER_00: the coworkers,
10:35
SPEAKER_00: the colleagues, the people who I'm close to, they've been super supportive.
10:39
SPEAKER_00: What's been surprising is that I've had people come up to me and say, Lori, I didn't know this.
10:45
SPEAKER_00: I thought we would have talked about that.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like,
10:47
SPEAKER_00: Why would I,
10:48
SPEAKER_00: it's not something you would generally bring up in a work setting,
10:51
SPEAKER_00: you know,
10:52
SPEAKER_00: some of the stories,
10:53
SPEAKER_00: but they've been opening up and share more things about themselves,
10:57
SPEAKER_00: which has been very interesting because again,
11:01
SPEAKER_00: once someone is willing to take the leap,
11:05
SPEAKER_00: to talk about the thing that's maybe hard to talk about,
11:07
SPEAKER_00: it empowers others to do this thing.
11:10
Yeah.
11:11
SPEAKER_01: And that's the world I want to live in.
11:12
SPEAKER_01: I don't know about you.
11:13
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
11:14
SPEAKER_01: And so I think what we can take from that is, A,
11:17
SPEAKER_01: if you're somebody who feels like you're going around editing yourself,
11:21
SPEAKER_01: but you want to live in a world where people aren't editing themselves,
11:24
SPEAKER_01: then don't be the person who edits herself.
11:27
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
11:28
SPEAKER_01: And so one of the things,
11:30
SPEAKER_01: going back to that word,
11:31
SPEAKER_01: bastard,
11:32
SPEAKER_01: so you described that your take on the word is simply like somebody who's born out
11:37
SPEAKER_01: of wedlock and take a really practical, pragmatic view of it.
11:43
SPEAKER_01: I know there's a lot of,
11:46
SPEAKER_01: there's a pretty common practice in the world of people saying,
11:49
SPEAKER_01: you know what, this word feels slung at me.
11:52
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to reclaim it by owning my space within that and my understanding of it
11:59
SPEAKER_01: and just saying it out loud to reduce the shame.
12:02
SPEAKER_01: So what is your relationship like to that bastard identity now or has it shifted
12:10
SPEAKER_01: in any other ways you claim that or think about it?
12:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: I mean, when I tell you it creates absolutely zero emotional response, like none whatsoever.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: And I'm really hoping that the people who read this book, who,
12:25
SPEAKER_00: you know,
12:26
SPEAKER_00: their parents were not married and by definition,
12:28
SPEAKER_00: they're a bastard, that they won't feel any shame.
12:31
SPEAKER_00: So I did a little bit of research.
12:34
SPEAKER_00: If you're born in the United States of America, you have about a 40% chance.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: Of, you know, being born to parents who are not married.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: So four out of 10 children in the U.S.
12:44
SPEAKER_00: So roughly half.
12:45
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
12:46
SPEAKER_00: If you're a Hispanic child, it's right at about half.
12:49
SPEAKER_00: If you're, you know, what would be classified as white, 20 to 25 percent.
12:54
SPEAKER_00: Asian is very low.
12:55
SPEAKER_00: I want to say it's less than 20 percent.
12:57
SPEAKER_00: And if you're a black child, it's almost 70 percent.
13:00
SPEAKER_00: So the stats, you know, racially speaking, there's a significant spread.
13:05
SPEAKER_00: But just if you're American, four out of 10.
13:07
SPEAKER_00: So there are a ton of people who have that status and do absolutely well in the world.
13:13
SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not being a proponent of it.
13:17
SPEAKER_00: However,
13:17
SPEAKER_00: I'm recognizing the reality of the situation and saying that there are tons
13:22
SPEAKER_00: of people who are doing well in life.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: They're successful.
13:26
SPEAKER_00: They have a great story.
13:27
SPEAKER_00: They're bringing value to businesses.
13:29
SPEAKER_00: They're bringing value to their communities.
13:31
SPEAKER_00: And those folks should not walk around with shame.
13:34
SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
13:35
SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
13:35
SPEAKER_01: Well, and it's honestly not something I ever associated any shame with.
13:40
SPEAKER_01: I did think the word seemed like it cast more shame than the definition of the word, though.
13:47
SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
13:48
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
13:49
SPEAKER_01: It's very Game of Thrones.
13:50
SPEAKER_01: I actually don't...
13:50
SPEAKER_01: Does anybody even say that word?
13:53
SPEAKER_01: Like, gloquially?
13:54
SPEAKER_01: I mean, like, I don't know.
13:57
SPEAKER_00: Or is it just a Game of Thrones word?
13:59
SPEAKER_00: It's rare now, but you know, if you make someone mad, you might get it.
14:02
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
14:03
SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't mean that.
14:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
14:07
SPEAKER_01: It was such an interesting word,
14:09
SPEAKER_01: but I felt like the choice was a really clear statement from you to say,
14:15
SPEAKER_01: I have had some feelings about this and I'm done having feelings about this
14:22
SPEAKER_01: and I'm going to just own the whole story of it.
14:25
SPEAKER_00: How's your relationship with your dad now?
14:27
SPEAKER_00: It's good.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: He and I talk.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: So my son just got married three weeks ago in Maryland.
14:33
SPEAKER_00: So he was at the wedding.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: We have a good relationship.
14:37
SPEAKER_00: It's still not super close because again, we just didn't have that relationship.
14:41
SPEAKER_00: I didn't grow up in the house with him.
14:43
SPEAKER_00: I talk about that in chapter three.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: So the very familial warmth is there when we're together and But it's not a longing,
14:54
SPEAKER_00: if that makes sense.
14:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
14:57
SPEAKER_01: Your mom is such a hero in this book, too.
14:59
SPEAKER_00: My mom, I feel like she taught me how to love.
15:04
SPEAKER_00: She is an amazing woman and unconditional love for my sister and I, our children.
15:10
SPEAKER_00: Her love is just, there's no end to it.
15:13
SPEAKER_00: She's boundless in her love.
15:15
SPEAKER_00: Great example of it.
15:16
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
15:18
SPEAKER_01: She worked so hard and was so grounded.
15:21
SPEAKER_01: I was like, let's next have her write a parenting manual, please.
15:28
SPEAKER_01: I'm here for Tori's mom's parenting book.
15:32
SPEAKER_01: You can ghostwrite for her.
15:34
SPEAKER_00: One of the best gifts she gave me was belief in myself.
15:38
SPEAKER_00: And I talk about that in the book where she just felt like I could...
15:42
SPEAKER_00: She's like, Tori, you can do anything.
15:44
SPEAKER_00: And I believed her.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: So I did.
15:48
SPEAKER_01: I love that.
15:48
SPEAKER_01: And you have.
15:50
SPEAKER_01: But all of this really comes back to the theme of the book,
15:52
SPEAKER_01: which is this idea of what can I control, manage, and influence?
15:55
SPEAKER_00: From a mindset perspective,
15:57
SPEAKER_00: if we think about what we can control, it is our behaviors and our words.
16:04
SPEAKER_00: If we think about what we can manage, it is,
16:07
SPEAKER_00: and I'm going to come back to this one a little bit more deeply in just a moment,
16:10
SPEAKER_00: but it's our emotions and also our thoughts.
16:15
SPEAKER_00: And then when we think about what we can influence, That's people and environments.
16:21
SPEAKER_00: And I want to double down before I go back to the manage piece.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: I want to double down on the control specifically around people.
16:30
SPEAKER_00: I do think many folks feel like they can control people.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: Even if you think about children, you don't really control them.
16:37
SPEAKER_00: We influence them.
16:39
SPEAKER_00: Everyone has their own brain.
16:40
SPEAKER_00: They have their own mind and they have to decide whether or not to go along.
16:46
SPEAKER_00: So we don't control people.
16:48
SPEAKER_00: If you are ever in a situation where there is another person involved,
16:52
SPEAKER_00: do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, you do not have control.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: You have influence.
16:58
SPEAKER_00: Now, I want to talk about the manage piece for just a moment because when you think
17:02
SPEAKER_00: about managing the emotions and thoughts,
17:06
SPEAKER_00: even the most mature,
17:09
SPEAKER_00: wisest person is Still has an emotional trigger to some degree.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: It may not be as evident, but we still have to manage those emotions.
17:19
SPEAKER_00: Something has the ability to create an emotional response.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: Now, some folks are better or more adept at managing it.
17:29
SPEAKER_00: So you may not recognize that it's happening, but it's happening.
17:33
SPEAKER_00: And then on the thought side, if people ruminate, Then they understand what I'm saying, right?
17:39
SPEAKER_00: Like if you have that thought that you just, you want it to stop, it just won't stop.
17:44
SPEAKER_00: So we have to learn the areas where we are managing,
17:48
SPEAKER_00: the areas where we are controlling, and the areas where we are influencing.
17:52
SPEAKER_00: And they work together in any given situation.
17:56
SPEAKER_00: But if we can just put it into that framework of understanding, it reduces frustration for us.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
18:04
SPEAKER_00: So in the work world,
18:06
SPEAKER_00: let's just say,
18:07
SPEAKER_00: for instance, you were given a project and you don't have much control over that.
18:12
SPEAKER_00: Your boss or your superior, whomever says, hey, I need you to work on this project.
18:16
SPEAKER_00: You may have some feelings about being assigned that project.
18:19
SPEAKER_00: So now you're managing your emotions.
18:22
SPEAKER_00: And of course, you get to choose your perspective in that moment, your thoughts, right?
18:26
SPEAKER_00: And there's some research around growth mindset and fixed mindset,
18:30
SPEAKER_00: but you get to decide in that moment what your perspective is and what you think
18:35
SPEAKER_00: about you being assigned to that project.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: And truly,
18:38
SPEAKER_00: whether or not you're going to have other people help you,
18:41
SPEAKER_00: whether or not there will be a team involved and what level of influence you have on
18:44
SPEAKER_00: the folks that will be supporting you in that project, even the superiors, right?
18:49
SPEAKER_00: Influence and the superiors, we call that leading up.
18:51
SPEAKER_00: So there's layers to all of what is happening.
18:54
SPEAKER_00: And even the control piece,
18:56
SPEAKER_00: if you're running point on the project,
18:58
SPEAKER_00: everything that you choose to say,
19:00
SPEAKER_00: everything that you choose to do is going to impact the outcome of that project.
19:06
SPEAKER_00: So there's layers to it.
19:08
SPEAKER_00: But when you think about the personal side, I mean, this even applies in relationships.
19:13
SPEAKER_00: For those of us who are married, you can't control your spouse.
19:17
SPEAKER_00: You might want to, but you can't control your spouse, right?
19:21
SPEAKER_00: And the managed piece is,
19:24
SPEAKER_00: I want to give this disclaimer,
19:25
SPEAKER_00: the closer the person is to you,
19:29
SPEAKER_00: the more challenging it is on that emotional front, right?
19:32
SPEAKER_00: Because there's so much vested in So recognizing that helps
19:37
SPEAKER_00: with managing maybe challenging situations or hard conversations with the spouse,
19:42
SPEAKER_00: because if you live with anyone for any given period of time, it is going to happen.
19:47
SPEAKER_00: My husband and I have been married for 26 years,
19:49
SPEAKER_00: and thankfully we like each other most of the time.
19:53
SPEAKER_00: But that's life.
19:54
SPEAKER_00: You have to learn how to manage your emotions and your thoughts,
19:59
SPEAKER_00: even in challenging moments in your relationship.
20:01
SPEAKER_00: And you're influencing the other person.
20:03
SPEAKER_00: You're influencing the environment in your household,
20:06
SPEAKER_00: whether it's a loving,
20:08
SPEAKER_00: comfortable,
20:08
SPEAKER_00: safe space, or whether it's a tumultuous and argumentative and cantankerous space.
20:14
SPEAKER_00: Those are choices that we get to make.
20:17
SPEAKER_01: I love it.
20:17
SPEAKER_01: Apply it for us to the current situation you're in that here you are,
20:23
SPEAKER_01: somebody who has a full-time demanding job and you're actively promoting a book.
20:32
SPEAKER_01: And it's like promoting a book arguably takes more hours than writing a book.
20:37
SPEAKER_01: I'm learning that.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: That is true.
20:40
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
20:41
SPEAKER_01: So how do you apply your control, manage, influence framework to something like that?
20:47
SPEAKER_01: Because I imagine there's some challenge in how you think about your time,
20:52
SPEAKER_01: your priorities, your decisions of what you say yes and no to.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: So this sounds so cliche, but the control, the controllables, right?
21:02
SPEAKER_00: And there's only so many pieces.
21:04
SPEAKER_00: So to your point,
21:05
SPEAKER_00: being on multiple podcasts,
21:06
SPEAKER_00: I really don't have any control over whether or not the host has to say yes to
21:10
SPEAKER_00: where you can come, right?
21:12
SPEAKER_00: So to a degree,
21:13
SPEAKER_00: that's just influence,
21:15
SPEAKER_00: sharing the information,
21:16
SPEAKER_00: telling the story, and if they're interested in being a part of that.
21:19
SPEAKER_00: But I do want to share something really, really practical on the managed side, sleep.
21:26
SPEAKER_00: And taking care of your body.
21:29
SPEAKER_00: Because when you are well mentally and physically,
21:34
SPEAKER_00: managing those emotions and those thoughts become a lot easier.
21:39
SPEAKER_00: When people are tired or frustrated, it shows.
21:44
SPEAKER_00: So I'm very mindful of the things that I do to take care of myself.
21:48
SPEAKER_00: Like I shut everything down at 8 p.m.
21:51
SPEAKER_00: So, of course, I'm working during the day, but after work, I'm working on other things.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: And the other thing I learned,
21:58
SPEAKER_00: Aransas,
21:58
SPEAKER_00: as much as I would like to go later into the evening,
22:01
SPEAKER_00: when I was writing the book, I would go later into the evening.
22:04
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's me getting older or what, but the screen time does not work with my brain.
22:10
SPEAKER_00: Close to bedtime.
22:12
SPEAKER_00: So I figured out eight o'clock is my hour.
22:15
SPEAKER_00: Shut it down at eight o'clock.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: Now I can go read a book.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: I can go do something off screen.
22:19
SPEAKER_00: And believe it or not, the TV does not impact me.
22:23
SPEAKER_00: But computer screens and phone screens after 8 p.m. disrupt the sleep.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: So that's been a learning for me and recognizing the things that I need to manage
22:34
SPEAKER_00: within my body and my emotional health so that when I come to moments like this
22:40
SPEAKER_00: with you, I can show up as my best self.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: If I'm out speaking,
22:44
SPEAKER_00: I can show up as my best self because you don't want
22:46
SPEAKER_00: to shortchange anyone who's experiencing you in that moment.
22:51
SPEAKER_00: That may be the only time or the first time that they experience you.
22:55
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
22:56
SPEAKER_00: Recognizing that there's other things that we need to pay attention to as well.
23:02
SPEAKER_00: But I had to be a little bit more strategic than maybe someone who writes for
23:08
SPEAKER_00: a living because with me having the nine to five,
23:12
SPEAKER_00: I couldn't just fly all over the country and do book tours and things of
23:16
SPEAKER_00: that nature.
23:17
SPEAKER_00: So...
23:18
SPEAKER_00: Taking a totally different approach with talking to folks on podcasts and happening
23:24
SPEAKER_00: to other communities and finding ways to bless folks
23:27
SPEAKER_00: through digital means versus actually sitting in a bookstore and talking to people.
23:33
SPEAKER_00: So recognizing I can be strategic in the influence that I have and
23:38
SPEAKER_00: then controlling what I can control,
23:39
SPEAKER_00: but also just managing my own thoughts and my own emotional health as we're going
23:45
SPEAKER_00: through this process.
23:47
SPEAKER_01: I love that.
23:47
SPEAKER_01: And I think a big lesson here is to work with what works for us.
23:54
SPEAKER_01: And instead of trying to shove ourselves into our imaginary box
23:58
SPEAKER_01: of what good looks like,
23:59
SPEAKER_01: being realistic with ourselves about, well, what's a good fit for my life?
24:03
SPEAKER_01: What's a good fit for my whole set of priorities?
24:07
SPEAKER_01: Not compromising.
24:08
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
24:09
SPEAKER_01: These priorities, not saying, oh, I'm just gonna...
24:12
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'll be honest.
24:13
SPEAKER_01: I think there's something a lot of authors do,
24:15
SPEAKER_01: which is they do the big brave work of creating the artwork or the book
24:19
SPEAKER_01: or whatever it is.
24:21
SPEAKER_01: And then they're like, oh, it feels really vulnerable to share it.
24:25
SPEAKER_01: So I'm actually not gonna take that next step.
24:27
SPEAKER_01: I can say,
24:28
SPEAKER_01: I can give lip service to the fact that I've done the thing,
24:32
SPEAKER_01: but I'm not gonna go and tell everybody I've ever met over and over
24:35
SPEAKER_01: that I've done it because then I might have to face the reality
24:38
SPEAKER_01: that someone won't like it.
24:39
SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's very possible.
24:43
SPEAKER_00: And that's part of putting yourself out there, right?
24:45
SPEAKER_00: So again,
24:46
SPEAKER_00: when we go back to that framework,
24:48
SPEAKER_00: we have zero control over what other people think or how they feel about the work.
24:53
SPEAKER_00: But if we know that the work has an opportunity to help someone else,
25:01
SPEAKER_00: and that was really the objective, right?
25:02
SPEAKER_00: If the work has an opportunity to help someone else,
25:06
SPEAKER_00: then you just have to be willing to take A few people
25:10
SPEAKER_00: or however many people ends up being saying that they don't connect with it
25:13
SPEAKER_00: or they don't agree with however it works out.
25:16
SPEAKER_00: But there will be folks who are so grateful that you shared your story,
25:21
SPEAKER_00: that you put the work out there, that you did the research.
25:23
SPEAKER_00: Whatever you did, someone will benefit from it.
25:26
SPEAKER_00: Their life will be changed and you get the benefit of being a part of that.
25:32
SPEAKER_01: That's pretty cool.
25:34
SPEAKER_01: You do.
25:35
SPEAKER_01: And you only get that though if you put yourself out there.
25:39
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
25:40
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
25:41
SPEAKER_01: And that I think is the scary part for so many of us.
25:44
SPEAKER_01: And it's why these dreams shrink, like not just into the closet, but under the floorboard.
25:51
SPEAKER_01: And you were somebody who you really hadn't written in a very long time.
25:56
SPEAKER_01: You had been told you had a gift for writing.
26:00
SPEAKER_01: Your mother had developed tremendous confidence in you to believe,
26:04
SPEAKER_01: Tori, whatever you do, you can do it well and you're capable.
26:07
SPEAKER_01: And If you put your mind to it, you'll be successful.
26:10
SPEAKER_01: And yet you were stepping way out of the lane where you had credibility and
26:17
SPEAKER_01: where everybody assumed, yeah,
26:19
SPEAKER_01: Tori's great with spreadsheets into something that was a kind of
26:24
SPEAKER_01: a long ago visited skill.
26:28
SPEAKER_01: So what helped you build confidence again and belief in your writing abilities?
26:34
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if they ever went away.
26:36
SPEAKER_00: I just think they were dormant.
26:39
SPEAKER_00: It's almost as if, let's say I could play the piano.
26:41
SPEAKER_01: I guess I don't mean the writing abilities themselves, but your belief in the writing abilities.
26:46
SPEAKER_00: It was almost as if I did not have a choice or aransas.
26:50
SPEAKER_00: It's like just when the idea presented itself, I just knew I had to do it.
26:56
SPEAKER_00: So I started doing the work, right?
26:59
SPEAKER_00: And that's the beautiful thing about,
27:00
SPEAKER_00: I think sometimes if we overthink it,
27:03
SPEAKER_00: we can actually talk ourselves out of,
27:06
SPEAKER_00: This wonderful idea that has the opportunity to have the impact even
27:11
SPEAKER_00: beyond what we would imagine because that has truly been the case for me.
27:16
SPEAKER_00: And if we overthink it or,
27:19
SPEAKER_00: you know, again,
27:19
SPEAKER_00: this is why I caution talking to too many people about it because one thing
27:25
SPEAKER_00: that I've learned throughout my time,
27:27
SPEAKER_00: you know,
27:27
SPEAKER_00: as an entrepreneur,
27:28
SPEAKER_00: as a leader, as a human, just pick one, is that everyone has a filter.
27:35
SPEAKER_00: And when people tell us that something looks scary or something sounds too big or
27:44
SPEAKER_00: that sounds hard,
27:46
SPEAKER_00: what they're saying is, what they're revealing is how they feel about it.
27:50
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't necessarily align with how we feel, right?
27:53
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:57
SPEAKER_00: When you're in a space where maybe your plant is a little seedling
28:02
SPEAKER_00: and still budding,
28:03
SPEAKER_00: you don't want someone to overlay negativity and actually slow or stifle the growth.
28:10
SPEAKER_00: And I knew that there was potential for people to not be supportive
28:13
SPEAKER_00: and not be positive,
28:14
SPEAKER_00: which is why I was mindful of who I shared it with and when I shared it.
28:19
SPEAKER_00: Because it was happening regardless.
28:22
SPEAKER_00: I just didn't want people who weren't supportive or maybe couldn't see the vision,
28:28
SPEAKER_00: you know, trying to dim the light as it was happening.
28:31
SPEAKER_00: How did you decide who to tell and who not to tell?
28:34
SPEAKER_00: Well, the spouse had to know immediately, right?
28:37
SPEAKER_00: Because I live with it.
28:40
SPEAKER_01: Needed him on board.
28:42
SPEAKER_00: He was on board early.
28:43
SPEAKER_00: The parents had to know because again, well, let me back up.
28:47
SPEAKER_00: Children,
28:48
SPEAKER_00: my kids,
28:49
SPEAKER_00: you know,
28:49
SPEAKER_00: one was out of the house at the time,
28:51
SPEAKER_00: but had one who came home pretty frequently still for college.
28:55
SPEAKER_00: And then the parents had to know because they're a part of the story, right?
29:01
SPEAKER_00: I do want to tell something that's very interesting.
29:04
SPEAKER_00: And of course, you know, my sister, best friend, like very close folks were in on it.
29:10
SPEAKER_00: But there's a woman in my life that she and I worked together for like five years.
29:18
SPEAKER_00: And we just had such a good working relationship that we agreed,
29:24
SPEAKER_00: or actually I asked her and then she agreed,
29:27
SPEAKER_00: that if there was ever an opportunity to do something outside,
29:31
SPEAKER_00: I said, I don't care if we're retired, we're going to find a way to work together.
29:35
SPEAKER_00: And she said, Tori, whatever, I'm 100% on board.
29:40
SPEAKER_00: So before the project was finished,
29:42
SPEAKER_00: before the book was finished,
29:43
SPEAKER_00: I had this idea and I just, we went to lunch and I said, it's in the works.
29:48
SPEAKER_00: And I don't know how,
29:50
SPEAKER_00: and I don't know to what degree,
29:52
SPEAKER_00: but if you can be a part of this, I would love for you to be a part of it.
29:56
SPEAKER_00: She didn't even know the title of the book.
29:58
SPEAKER_00: She said, whatever it is, I'm on board.
30:02
SPEAKER_00: And Aransas,
30:03
SPEAKER_00: she has been one of my biggest supporters and In fact,
30:08
SPEAKER_00: we can give her credit for us talking today.
30:11
SPEAKER_00: She connected us.
30:12
SPEAKER_01: So she has been...
30:13
SPEAKER_01: I will laugh because I was like, she said my director of operations.
30:17
SPEAKER_01: I was like, I have never in my life heard from an author that she has a director of operations.
30:22
SPEAKER_01: There's got to be a story here.
30:24
SPEAKER_01: Yes, she is my director of operations.
30:26
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
30:27
SPEAKER_01: I think I just hired a director of operations in my mind.
30:30
SPEAKER_01: As you told this story, I was like, oh my gosh, done, done and done.
30:34
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
30:35
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
30:36
SPEAKER_00: She is phenomenal.
30:37
SPEAKER_00: She's phenomenal.
30:37
SPEAKER_00: But she's the type of person that you want in your corner.
30:40
SPEAKER_00: And I won't say her name just for the sake of privacy,
30:44
SPEAKER_00: but I'm giving her her flowers right now because this woman has been beautiful
30:48
SPEAKER_00: in my life.
30:49
SPEAKER_00: She's been beautiful throughout this process, just super supportive.
30:53
SPEAKER_00: And I'm very grateful that our paths have crossed.
30:57
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
30:58
SPEAKER_01: And to be able to say...
31:01
SPEAKER_01: I enlisted a team that gave me the support I needed while
31:08
SPEAKER_01: protecting my dream from
31:09
SPEAKER_01: the naysayers.
31:10
SPEAKER_01: Now there's a big difference right between the people who challenge us.
31:13
SPEAKER_01: In my book, I talk about them as allies, amplifiers, and auditors.
31:17
SPEAKER_01: And I think the amplifiers actually make us bigger and better because they're like,
31:20
SPEAKER_01: have you thought of this?
31:21
SPEAKER_01: What if you tried that?
31:23
SPEAKER_01: Those are challengers for sure, but they are helpful challengers.
31:27
SPEAKER_01: The auditors are the ones who are like, but you haven't done this, but you can't do this.
31:30
SPEAKER_01: And what if you do this?
31:31
SPEAKER_01: What's the worst case scenario?
31:33
SPEAKER_01: Those people are not so helpful most of the time.
31:36
SPEAKER_00: Right.
31:38
SPEAKER_00: Based on what you just described, my husband is an amplifier.
31:42
SPEAKER_00: He thinks about it from multiple angles.
31:45
SPEAKER_00: Every question he asks, Tori, have you thought about this?
31:48
SPEAKER_00: I was like, done, done, and done.
31:50
SPEAKER_00: We ready to move forward?
31:51
SPEAKER_00: Let's do it.
31:53
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
31:54
SPEAKER_01: Because he's like,
31:55
SPEAKER_01: a woman I interviewed yesterday said,
31:57
SPEAKER_01: I want to be around the people who are like, I get you and I got you.
32:01
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
32:01
SPEAKER_02: Isn't that so good?
32:03
SPEAKER_01: I like that.
32:04
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
32:04
SPEAKER_01: Karen Salmon's in all the way.
32:07
SPEAKER_01: She's brilliant.
32:08
SPEAKER_01: I love it.
32:09
SPEAKER_01: So I want to talk about what's next for you.
32:13
SPEAKER_01: So I asked you, what's your next big, brave goal?
32:17
SPEAKER_01: And you said, I want to speak to an audience of thousands.
32:21
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
32:21
SPEAKER_01: That's a big goal.
32:23
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
32:24
SPEAKER_01: And there's a lot that's outside of your control there in terms of
32:28
SPEAKER_01: whether people book you, just like whether the podcasters say yes.
32:32
SPEAKER_01: So tell me how you're thinking about that goal,
32:36
SPEAKER_01: what you're actively doing to make it reality,
32:39
SPEAKER_01: where you're getting tripped up and scared and what you're learning along the way.
32:44
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
32:44
SPEAKER_00: So I'm learning a lot.
32:46
SPEAKER_00: For anyone who's considering a career in speaking or just want to get in front of
32:50
SPEAKER_00: an audience, There's a lot of no's that come along with that.
32:54
SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of no's that goes along with most things in life.
32:57
SPEAKER_00: So I'm used to that.
33:00
SPEAKER_00: That does not deter me.
33:02
SPEAKER_00: From a very practical standpoint, I mean, it's very much prospecting.
33:06
SPEAKER_00: The same way we're finding the folks who want to say yes.
33:09
SPEAKER_00: So you put in the work knowing that you will get a lot of no's and being okay with that.
33:16
SPEAKER_00: But you do have to do the work because one...
33:19
SPEAKER_00: When you're bringing folks to an event to speak on a stage,
33:23
SPEAKER_00: they need to see, well, one, do you have something of value to offer?
33:28
SPEAKER_00: And two, can you actually do this?
33:31
SPEAKER_00: Something that I've done throughout my career, did it even before I came on this podcast.
33:37
SPEAKER_00: I just have a quiet moment.
33:38
SPEAKER_00: I'm a person of faith and I say, okay, how can I serve
33:43
SPEAKER_01: these people today?
33:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm always trying to connect and think about with the folks who are in my realm
33:48
SPEAKER_00: of influence,
33:49
SPEAKER_00: either continually in my life or just for whatever the duration of time is,
33:55
SPEAKER_00: how do I give them what they need?
33:57
SPEAKER_00: And that's the mindset that I go into everything with.
34:01
SPEAKER_00: I joined a speaker league that helps speakers with building your talk and getting
34:06
SPEAKER_00: in front of audiences.
34:07
SPEAKER_00: So again, just doing the work.
34:11
SPEAKER_00: As I started, you're writing the story.
34:14
SPEAKER_00: I'll share this really quickly.
34:15
SPEAKER_00: I was in an event two nights ago now.
34:18
SPEAKER_00: And the gentleman who came on stage to speak, they read his bio.
34:23
SPEAKER_00: Aransas, I think it is the longest bio I have ever heard in my life.
34:27
SPEAKER_00: I was like, are they reading his bio or is this a book?
34:30
SPEAKER_00: It was very, very long.
34:32
SPEAKER_00: But my takeaway from that is I was like,
34:35
SPEAKER_00: we're listening to this man's bio because he's very proud of it.
34:39
SPEAKER_00: Right.
34:39
SPEAKER_00: Like you would not ask someone to share a bio that long unless you were just very proud of it.
34:44
SPEAKER_00: And I thought to myself, are we writing a story that will make us proud of the bio?
34:53
SPEAKER_00: And if we don't like the bio,
34:55
SPEAKER_01: write a different story.
34:58
SPEAKER_01: And by that, you don't mean the book.
35:00
SPEAKER_01: You mean the life.
35:02
SPEAKER_01: Your life.
35:03
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
35:03
SPEAKER_01: Your life.
35:04
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
35:06
SPEAKER_01: And going back to this idea of setting that service-based intention,
35:09
SPEAKER_01: I think such great advice there.
35:11
SPEAKER_01: I try to do it through a sort of a frame of what's my intention for this interaction.
35:16
SPEAKER_01: It's literally the first thing I do every day because I balance five different jobs
35:20
SPEAKER_01: and And that means I'm kind of putting on five different hats
35:24
SPEAKER_01: and doing all these different things.
35:25
SPEAKER_01: And so being prepared to wear all of those hats so I'm not hustling in three minutes
35:31
SPEAKER_01: to figure out which one I'm wearing is the biggest thing.
35:34
SPEAKER_01: And it's the same thing, right?
35:35
SPEAKER_01: Purpose-driven people.
35:37
SPEAKER_01: And so many of us are in midlife.
35:39
SPEAKER_01: And so asking ourselves like, what is my intention here?
35:42
SPEAKER_01: How can I be helpful?
35:43
SPEAKER_01: How can I help solve a problem for someone instead of creating more problems for them?
35:48
SPEAKER_01: Right.
35:49
SPEAKER_01: Just tells us who we are.
35:50
SPEAKER_01: And I think we all kind of like that clarity.
35:52
SPEAKER_01: It's calming and it helps us feel like we don't have to try
35:55
SPEAKER_01: to wear 10 different hats at once,
35:56
SPEAKER_01: which is impossible because they keep falling off.
35:59
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
36:00
SPEAKER_01: So I want to go back to this prospecting point you've made very briefly
36:05
SPEAKER_01: because I suspect you are taking a rather methodical and intentional approach to
36:11
SPEAKER_01: that as well.
36:12
SPEAKER_01: So do you set goals for yourself and your team in terms of outreach?
36:19
SPEAKER_01: How are you structuring that to make sure that activation happens and you're actually...
36:25
SPEAKER_01: Doing the work to make the dream happen instead of just like imagining it in a cloud.
36:31
SPEAKER_00: So you're asking me about execution and making it very concrete, right?
36:35
SPEAKER_00: That is the world that I live in.
36:38
SPEAKER_00: I had a feeling.
36:39
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
36:40
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
36:41
SPEAKER_00: So one thing that has been really helpful,
36:43
SPEAKER_00: and this has been in every stage of my career,
36:47
SPEAKER_00: if I'm responsible for other people executing work,
36:50
SPEAKER_00: and that is one, finding people who...
36:53
SPEAKER_00: Are capable and willing.
36:56
SPEAKER_00: That is so important because you cannot,
37:01
SPEAKER_00: again, we're going back to control, manage, and influence, right?
37:04
SPEAKER_00: You do not want to have to prod and poke and push a person to do their job.
37:12
SPEAKER_00: So when you have someone who's on your team or is a part of your team,
37:16
SPEAKER_00: regardless of the capacity,
37:18
SPEAKER_00: you want to make sure that they're actually Up for the task.
37:22
SPEAKER_00: So that's number one, having the right people in the right chair.
37:26
SPEAKER_00: Now, I just talked about my blessing, Director of Operations.
37:29
SPEAKER_00: So she is phenomenal in so many ways.
37:32
SPEAKER_00: But one of the ways that we stay on track, and I have another person on the team that helps.
37:36
SPEAKER_00: She's a publicist.
37:38
SPEAKER_00: And I'm right now in talks with a virtual assistant just because the load continues to increase.
37:46
SPEAKER_00: And I have to be mindful of my day-to-day responsibilities and my capacity as well.
37:51
SPEAKER_00: So with that being said,
37:53
SPEAKER_00: we meet every week and talk about what we're working on for the next week.
37:58
SPEAKER_00: And with the VA who's not a part of the team yet,
38:01
SPEAKER_00: we're being considered, it will look very similar.
38:04
SPEAKER_00: Now, I think this will be really helpful for listeners.
38:08
SPEAKER_00: I am a proponent of quarterly resets.
38:13
SPEAKER_00: Love the quarterly reset.
38:15
SPEAKER_00: I know people set New Year's resolutions and then...
38:18
SPEAKER_00: Maybe by February, they have forgotten all about them.
38:22
SPEAKER_00: So with me,
38:24
SPEAKER_00: I don't do New Year's resolutions,
38:26
SPEAKER_00: but I sit down every 13th week and I set a plan for the next 12 weeks.
38:35
SPEAKER_00: And those are personal and professional.
38:38
SPEAKER_00: It could be around,
38:39
SPEAKER_00: I don't think you and I have talked about this,
38:41
SPEAKER_00: but The training for the marathon, right?
38:43
SPEAKER_00: Like things of that nature that requires a ton of discipline,
38:47
SPEAKER_00: eating well, hydration, stretching.
38:50
SPEAKER_00: The body maintenance is actually more than the marathon running.
38:53
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if anyone talks about that, but that is so true.
38:55
SPEAKER_00: And then from the business side,
38:57
SPEAKER_00: what are some of the objectives I need to achieve in the business?
39:00
SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times,
39:01
SPEAKER_00: like the marathon is, I won't say it's easy, but Aransas, that all falls on me.
39:06
SPEAKER_00: I can get out of the bed.
39:07
SPEAKER_00: Like the discipline is there to get it done.
39:09
SPEAKER_00: But when you're influencing other people,
39:12
SPEAKER_00: your approach may have to be a little different, right?
39:15
SPEAKER_00: I can just make myself do it.
39:16
SPEAKER_00: Tori, you don't feel like it today, but you know you need to run.
39:19
SPEAKER_00: Go do it.
39:20
SPEAKER_00: I can't tell someone else.
39:21
SPEAKER_00: You just need to go do it.
39:22
SPEAKER_00: Well, I guess I could.
39:23
SPEAKER_00: It just wouldn't go over well.
39:24
SPEAKER_00: Not very long, short term.
39:26
SPEAKER_00: Right, exactly.
39:27
SPEAKER_00: So again,
39:28
SPEAKER_00: just making sure there's clear objectives,
39:30
SPEAKER_00: there's clear expectations and clear communication.
39:35
SPEAKER_00: That's probably the space where I see things break down the most is
39:40
SPEAKER_00: that you feel like it was communicated,
39:42
SPEAKER_00: but it left your mouth one way and into their ears another.
39:46
SPEAKER_00: So if you can say it,
39:48
SPEAKER_00: put it in writing,
39:49
SPEAKER_00: and then make sure you get confirmation back, that's really helpful.
39:53
SPEAKER_00: But again, I think that the clarity before you get to the point of execution helps a lot.
39:58
SPEAKER_01: I love that.
39:59
SPEAKER_01: And what it's doing is it's helping you Judge yourself by what actually matters
40:05
SPEAKER_01: and what's realistic as opposed to,
40:07
SPEAKER_01: again, dreams and clouds that feel vague and separate from us.
40:13
SPEAKER_01: It's actually a matter of our actions and our daily choices that make those things reality.
40:17
SPEAKER_01: Well, it's so much fun talking to you, Tori.
40:20
SPEAKER_01: I can't wait to hear about you speaking in front of thousands of people.
40:23
SPEAKER_01: And I have no doubt that you will do it because you believe you can.
40:28
SPEAKER_01: And you're going to put in the reps to make it reality.
40:31
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
40:32
SPEAKER_00: And I appreciate that vote of confidence.
40:34
SPEAKER_00: And I will tell you, this journey has been fun because of the learning.
40:40
SPEAKER_00: I'm constantly being pushed out of my comfort zone,
40:42
SPEAKER_00: which I'm a big proponent of challenges being fuel and helping us to grow
40:47
SPEAKER_00: and be better.
40:48
SPEAKER_00: So I've had several moments where I'm just go for it, see how it works out.
40:53
SPEAKER_00: And that's fun.
40:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
40:55
SPEAKER_00: What's the worst that could happen?
40:56
SPEAKER_00: You learn.
40:57
SPEAKER_00: That's the worst.
40:58
SPEAKER_00: And what's the best?
41:00
SPEAKER_00: You have an amazing experience and you impact a lot of people for good.
41:06
SPEAKER_01: It's pretty energizing.
41:08
SPEAKER_01: So Tori, how can we as Uplifters uplift you?
41:13
SPEAKER_01: Because of course, that's our favorite things to do.
41:16
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
41:16
SPEAKER_00: Well, for those of you who are listening, I do ask, connect with me on social media.
41:21
SPEAKER_00: I love connecting with folks.
41:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm on Instagram, Facebook, primarily also LinkedIn, very active on LinkedIn.
41:28
SPEAKER_00: Just go to at Tori DaCosta Leadership.
41:31
SPEAKER_00: Please check out my website, journeystone.com is the business.
41:35
SPEAKER_00: And if you don't remember that, toridacosta.com will get you to the same place.
41:40
SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't read the book, You can read it or you can listen to it.
41:44
SPEAKER_00: It's available in audiobook as well.
41:47
SPEAKER_00: And my ask is to just keep the conversation going.
41:53
SPEAKER_01: And as you know, every guest who comes on the show nominates another guest.
41:56
SPEAKER_01: Who would you like to nominate?
41:58
SPEAKER_00: Yes, I am nominating Lenny Gates.
42:02
SPEAKER_01: So if she's listening, Lenny, you're on deck.
42:06
SPEAKER_01: I can't wait.
42:08
SPEAKER_01: I am so grateful for this time with you and so excited to see where you go, Tori.
42:12
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for everything.
42:13
SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Aransas.
42:14
SPEAKER_00: This has been great.
42:17
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to The Uplifters Podcast.
42:21
SPEAKER_01: If you're getting a boost from these episodes,
42:23
SPEAKER_01: please share them with The Uplifters in your life and then join us in conversation
42:30
SPEAKER_01: over at theuplifterspodcast.com.
42:33
SPEAKER_01: Head over to Spotify,
42:34
SPEAKER_01: Apple Podcasts,
42:36
SPEAKER_01: or wherever you get your podcasts and like, follow, and rate our show.
42:41
SPEAKER_01: It'll really help us connect with more uplifters and it'll ensure you never miss one
42:47
SPEAKER_01: of these beautiful stories.
42:51
SPEAKER_02: Big love.
42:53
SPEAKER_02: Painted water, sunshine.
42:55
SPEAKER_02: With rosemary and tongue, dwell in the perplexing, though you find it vexing.
43:02
SPEAKER_02: Toss a star and hover, be your own best lover.
43:07
SPEAKER_02: Relish in a new prime, plant a tree in springtime.
43:11
SPEAKER_02: Dance with idle hindsight, bring the sun to twilight.
43:17
SPEAKER_02: Lift you up.
43:18
SPEAKER_02: Lift you up.
43:20
SPEAKER_02: Lift you up.
43:21
SPEAKER_02: Lift you up.
43:45
SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
43:48
SPEAKER_02: I cried.
43:50
SPEAKER_02: It's that little thing you did with your voice.
44:01
SPEAKER_02: Right?
44:01
SPEAKER_02: In the pre-chorus, right?
44:04
SPEAKER_02: Uh-huh.
44:05
SPEAKER_02: I was like...
44:08
SPEAKER_01: Mommy, stop crying.
44:10
SPEAKER_01: Mommy, stop crying.
44:10
SPEAKER_01: You're disturbing the peace.