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Divorce Mistakes You Can't Afford To Make - Part 2 · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: And this episode is actually part two of Divorce Mistakes You Can't Afford to Make.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: So either stick with me and listen to part two before part one or go back to the previous episode, which is divorce mistakes you can't afford to make part one, and then come back here and listen.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: So going on from the last episode, number 10 mistake that you can't afford to make in your divorce is only having an informal agreement.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Doing a DIY or just having a verbal agreement between you and your ex-partner might seem a kind, calm, collaborative way, a good way forward, and it might work for you, but there is always a risk.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And you need to determine whether that's a risk you're willing to take or whether it is potentially a costly going to turn into a costly mistake that you can't afford to make.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And another part of just having a verbal agreement is having an agreement, even if it's in writing, but not having it checked by a family law professional, not having it formalised, not having it submitted to the court as orders, or waiting too long to formalize your informal or verbal agreement, avoiding that hard part of splitting out your assets and formalizing your childcare arrangements.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, things might be going really, really well between you and your ex until he or she meets a new partner, he or she loses their job, he or she wants to move to another state.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: So then chances are that you know perhaps this new partner might not be happy about them paying you that extra cash each week for the kids, or that the mortgage is still in joint names, or whatever it is, or your ex might decide suddenly that you know 50-50 child caring arrangements that you verbally agreed on is just too hard, and they don't want to do that anymore, and so leave you stranded with prime care and not enough financial recompense or support to do that.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, things change, and that's the that's the risk that you take by only having a formal an informal, I'm sorry, agreement.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Things change, people change.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's not formalized, it's not enforceable.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: So get it in writing and signed at the very least.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Get it checked over by a family law professional, submitted to the court as consent orders to make sure it holds up, that it is fair and it is reasonable, and it is enforceable should you need it to be, and contingencies are built into it.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: So you think so, if something changes, a situation changes, the relationship between you and your ex that is currently amicable breaks down or shifts to something that's not so friendly, you've got backup.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number 11 is divorcing before settlement, before divorcing before you've agreed on your financial settlement arrangement.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: So in Australia, there's a time limit on property settlement once you're divorced, and that's 12 months from divorce or for de facto partnerships two years from the date of separation.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: So it really is in your best interests to settle your property arrangement before filing for divorce.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Doing it in the other order really puts you at risk and can be a costly mistake because once that divorce is finalized, you've only got 12 months, the clock is ticking.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there are of course circumstances where that is extended, but it is best if you can agree on your settlement, have that all finalized before you file for divorce.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning divorce is the end point of the process, not the first step.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number 12 you can't afford to make is in believing or being led to believe or being told that you're not entitled, that perhaps nothing is in your name, and believing if nothing's in my name, I won't get anything.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter in family law whose name the assets are in, especially in a long-term relationship.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is included, everything goes in the asset pool, including superannuation, and often assets that were brought into the relationship.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: Again, that depends on the longevity of the marriage or the relationship.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't matter whose name it's in, so don't fall for the I've worked for all of this while you've stayed at home, so you're not entitled to it, or don't expect that if you've been the one generating the income and your partner has been part-time or studying or prime carer for children that they're not entitled.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Don't fall for that.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Particularly don't fall for oh, this is my superannuation, I get to keep it all.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, no, it all goes into the asset pool, it is all part of the property settlement and the division, doesn't matter whose name it is in, doesn't matter who generated it, and in particular longer-term relationships, doesn't matter who brought it into the relationship.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, who brought what in is considered in some circumstances, but you are still entitled.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: You are entitled to a fair asset split of all the assets of the relationship.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Another divorce mistake you can't afford to make is assuming that property just means real estate, a house, a unit, whatever.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Nope, property means all the things you own.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And in what's known in the family law process or in family law as the discovery process, that is what involves identifying exactly what assets are included, what's up for grabs, so to speak, what's included in that joint asset pool.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's where everybody needs to openly declare what they own, what they owe.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: So it might include real estate in terms of property, but it will also include, if they're part of your financial landscape, investments, shares, including shares in a private company.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: So if one of you is a shareholder in a business, private company, uh, superannuation, cash in the bank, family trusts, even high-ticket jewelry or art, anything that has potential value is included.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: So when we talk about property, it's not just a house, it's also cars, anything of value is included in the property pool.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Number 14, divorce mistake you can't afford to make is only focusing on keeping the house.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Focusing on keeping the house at all costs.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: I always say you cannot eat a house.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: So having an emotional attachment to the family home that is not also based in practicality, objectivity, financial reality, particularly when children are involved, can be a very expensive option for you.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: It can be the biggest mistake that you can make fighting to keep the family home.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Fighting to keep that family home and leaving all other assets, including cash, including superannuation, to your app to your ex-partner is not always the best decision.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: It could well be a costly and expensive exercise or mistake.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: As I said, you can't eat a house, meaning if you have a house and no other assets, perhaps no superannuation, no cash reserves, it can negatively impact your future financial situation.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's also the time and energy as well as expense of upkeep on a larger family home, a family home that you need to consider.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: So really fighting to keep the family home needs to be made on an emotional level.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, emotion comes into it, but it really needs to be a solid financial decision.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: So strip out the emotions attached to the family home and make a smart, objective, financially driven, future-focused decision, taking into consideration all the aspects.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: It can literally save you thousands on thousands on thousands of dollars.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Keeping the home only because of emotion can be a really costly mistake.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number 15, you can't afford to make, is operating from a win-lose mindset.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And this shows up in a couple of ways.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: So viewing your ex as the opposition or the enemy, or seeing you're seeing you're soon-to-be ex as the opposition allows you to adopt that, or is part of adopting that win-lose mindset.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're going to win, they're going to lose, and it allows you to go in for the kill, to go for the jugular, not being focused on the holistic uh impact, I suppose, and not focusing on the any damage that you're doing in the process.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're rewarded by winning, but it also makes you blind, it makes you blind to the impact that's having, the wreckage it causes to your ex, yes, but also to your kids.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's always a knock-on effect, a flow down effect if you are fighting and you have kids involved.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes even extended family and friends get dragged into the mix.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a cost, there's a cost to adopting a win-lose mindset.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Now, on the flip side, if it's your partner, your ex-partner, I should say, who is focused on winning at all costs, you can't afford to make the mistake of playing nice and expecting they will meet you.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's more about power and control and revenge and destruction.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's your situation, you do need to be prepared and willing in that situation to fight.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: So get the right support, build your support network around you so that you can step in and meet not fire with fire, I don't mean that, but you are you're gonna have to be prepared to step up and not just expect that everything will be nice.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Get the right support.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: The court is set up to be adversarial, and if your win-lose ex has money, the proceedings can drag on, so you absolutely need support to fight, but you can still choose a lawyer, a legal team, and other supports, a coach, who can help you diffuse your part of the situation rather than actively inflame it further.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: And just before we deep dive into the second part of this podcast episode, I want to remind you that there's always the opportunity to have a conversation with me, to book a free intro call if this episode is bringing up things for you and you feel like you're ready to take the next step towards working one-on-one with me.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes to book your free intro call and to discuss coaching options, and I would love to be able to support you.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Mistake number 16: you can't afford to make in divorce, is something that our clients and my wider community find a little bit interesting when I say this.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can't afford to be all business in the divorce.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And while I do advocate, and I said earlier about I advocate for you to make objective decisions based on numbers and facts in a business-like fashion that are in the best service to the future, to you and the future you want to create for yourself and build for your kids.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: It can also be a mistake to be 100% completely all business in divorce.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: But there are human beings involved here, you, your feelings, your humanity, your ex-partner, and that is somebody that you once loved, that you pad you have lived with, you have slept in the same bed with, you've shared parts of your life with, you've been really vulnerable with, you've maybe even created kids with.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is primarily an emotional human issue that happens to have financial, legal, social, practical implications.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: So we need to make sure that we're holding and ad holding space for supporting the humans in the in the divorce and addressing the emotions as well as the legal and financial stuff.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: So some of us are real masters at comp can't say it, compartmentalizing and using our using our intellect, using business-like intellect intellectualization as a coping skill, right?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Let's shut out all the emotion, let's just focus on the business bits, let's focus on this.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: And in some ways, it's a really good quality to have, and one that I do encourage some of my clients to develop more if it's not something that comes naturally to them.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: But when you can't because when you compartmentalize, when you operate from a business perspective, you're really you're better at setting boundaries, you're better at stripping out the emotion, as in making decisions about whether to keep the house or not, and you don't tend to take on the problems or feelings of others so personally.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: But there's the mistake that being all business all the time in your divorce can bring up, that you don't think about the problems or the feelings of others, and you don't take those into consideration when you're negotiating.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you focus solely on the financial and business aspects of the settlement of your divorce, you miss key drivers, you miss understanding the values, you miss understanding your um your ex-partners, triggers, values, drivers.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: What is underpinning the decisions that they are making?
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: What are underpinning your decisions?
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: So you might also miss considering alternative third options, creative solutions that work better for you, for your ex, for your kids, for the humans in the mix than that cold, hard business version, split of assets, this is how we're doing it.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: All of that can be at the expense of the well-being of you, your kids, and yes, even your ex.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: So being calm, being logical, being rational, knowing your numbers, being future focused, all really important, as is considering the humanity of you all, the emotions and feelings and outcome.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: It needs balance and bringing in a little bit of emotion or acknowledging the emotions, allowing yourself to look at why is my ex behaving like that?
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: What is driving that behavior?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: What's behind that behavior oftentimes can help you make a better decision, can bring you to a different space in terms of negotiation, if you're under cognizant of and understanding what's behind their behaviour.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: It might be fear, it might be whatever it is, whatever is driving them.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: So being all business all the time can actually be a mistake.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: It can cost you because it can drag things out if the emotions aren't acknowledged and and they're not allowed and space is not held for them.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: It can also mean that if you're the one not acknowledging your own emotions, then you get stuck in you get stuck and you can't move forward.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledging and allowing your emotions steps you closer towards healing and that life you most want to create for yourself.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now the final divorce mistake you can't afford to make is a little bit like jumping to the end, but it's moving on, it's moving on too soon.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: So divorce is often, almost always, divorce is hard, let's just face it.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce is hard and it's crap, and it is often lonely and isolating, it's often a really lonely part or chapter, I should say, of your life.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's a rocky experience, it's isolating, it's lonely, and it's hard.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it brings up all the stuff, all your pain, all your wounds, right back to childhood experiences, core attachment wounds, that'll all come up and surface.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And probably like no other process that you'll go through in your adult life, divorce will bring all this stuff up.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: And as humans, we try our hardest to move away from or move out of feeling pain or grief or sadness or loss or loneliness.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: So it can be really tempting when you're in the middle of it to seek out someone new, to find a new partner, to distract you from feeling all that hard stuff and to take away the pain.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: However, when you're in the mess, when you're in the messy middle of it, you're at, you know, possibly one of your lowest, the lowest points in your life.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're in pain, you're grieving, and you've not yet done the work, you've not yet processed the breakup, even if you chose it, you've not healed your heart, you're not actually in the greater space to offer yourself the best part of yourself to someone new.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're not really in a great space to choose a new partner who really, really lights you up.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're just choosing a band-aid, choosing a band-aid that you can slap on the pain and allow you to escape where you are and all the hard feelings that you're feeling.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: So a new partner at this point may well take the edge off your feelings of loneliness and rejection and hurt and all the things, but it's crucial if you want to develop healthy attachment in a new relationship and move through that you move through this messy, hard, shitty stuff.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Do your work before you reach out to connect with someone new.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Introducing another person into the space while you're still negotiating property settlement, childcare arrangements, all the things with your ex can really complicate it, can really complicate your negotiations.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: You bring in a new energy, you bring in a new voice potentially, you bring in a new presence, you bring in something else that or someone else that you need to consider when you're still connected and hooked into all of the other stuff.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Your ex, the money, the childcare arrangements.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: So sure, go out, have a bit of fun, have a few night one one night stands, whatever it is.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Find other ways to ease and soothe that loneliness, but allow yourself the time and space to sit in the hard and to move through the hard and the pain before you do some healing and then reach out to a new person, then get back into dating.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: So give yourself that time to move through the mess, heal your heart, work out who you are solo, and then choose something, something new from that space of knowing who you are, being solid in what you want, having done your work and healed your heartbreak rather than just grab a knee-jerk reaction to fill that void or of fill that void or a void, feeling the pain and feeling the hard stuff that you're sitting in.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: That brings us to the end of this second part of DeForce, Mistakes You Can't Afford to Make.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you found something of use in it.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Please share it with somebody if you know they might need to hear it.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um if you love the podcast, I'd also love it.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you would rate and review, it means that we get this podcast into the ears of a whole lot more people who might need to hear it.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thanks for being here.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in love and love.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reclaim.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: Reclaim and liberation.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so then we'll be able to do that.